02x05 - The Invention

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- Yaah!
- I just built that.

It didn't take.

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(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hey!

Ah, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

They want to talk to
you about my behavior.

Bye, Miss Crandall.

I'm Mr. Reissman. I'm
the school counselor.

We really wanted to talk to you...

About Ben's behavior. I know,
the kid just filled me in.

Ben has always been one
of my favorite students.

He's so sweet.

But lately he's become a bit dark.

He spends most of his
recesses in the classroom,

just sitting there, staring at me.

Yeah, well, maybe he values learning

more than eating boogers on the slide.

He's doing it right now.

So the kid does a little
light peering, so what?

Today, Ben bit me.

Okay, also some light biting.

Wha... wha... what's the big deal?

Mr. Reissman would like to
recommend to Ben's doctor

that he be placed on
milligrams of ADHD medication.

Is that so?

Oh! Okay, no. No, thank you.

Focusing Ben on his schoolwork
would have a tremendous impact

on his overall demeanor.

Mm-hmm. And why do your job

when you can have a pill
do it for you... am I right?

Let me explain something to you.

Ben's mind is as pure as his heart.

And as long as I am around,

there will not be a drop
of medication in his body.

Ever. End of story.

Ben's already on the medication.

We're just suggesting he up his dosage.

We'd just hate to see Ben
slip through the cracks.

He hasn't even started his
project for this weekend's

Lockwood Little Inventors Fair.

Other students have been working

on their inventions for months now.

Well, speaking of slipping
through the cracks,

kind of looks like that shirt
slipped through the cracks

of your laundry basket.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Well, I guess years of
writing on white boards

takes its toll on the wardrobe.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah. Good story.

I'm gonna take care of Ben.

And I'm gonna do it with
some good old-fashioned

hands-on parenting.

Sorry, Big Pharma.

Sorry I'm late. I thought
I was being followed.

Ended up just being a bunch
of hella cute baby birds.

Okay, official Acorn
Boys meeting number

coming to order.

Secretary Joshua Feldstein presiding.

President Chip, old business, please.

Okay, well, the possum
behind the north wall

is almost completely decomposed.

Our plan to smoke
oregano out of its skull

will commence tomorrow.

On to today's biz. What we got?

Okay, decent haul.

Not our best, not our worst.

Off the top of my head, we
could soak some tampons in gin

and sit on 'em.

I'm not doing that again.

It's the same exact thing every weekend.

He's right. This is kid stuff.

Maybe it's time we put this whole

Acorn Boys nonsense to bed.

Am I dreaming right now?

Because if I am, wake me up.

This is a freakin' nightmare!

We're Acorn Boys for life.

We took an oath, remember?

We all held hands and-and peed

on that tree stump together.

- We were ten.
- An oath's an oath!

Come on, Chip, you got to admit
it's getting kind of stale.

I mean, you've literally
brought in tampons

five weeks in a row.

These are pads! They
go on it, not in it.

Shows what you know!

I'm sorry. I apologize.

The pads aren't that
different from tampons.

I can see that now.

Doesn't mean we can't bounce
back from this, right, boys?

- How?
- Well, tomorrow I'll bring in

something so undeniably sick

that you'll be embarrassed
you ever brought up

breaking up the ACBs.

Meeting adjourned.

How could you guys
not tell me about this?

Well, Poodle was a big
believer in popping pills.

I've been giving them
to him since he was four.

Ben has been hopped up on dr*gs
since he was four years old?!

Relax, it's just medication.
Lots of people take it.

And you should be careful
pulling him off so quickly.

When they took me off
lithium, I went full-on crazy.

I would argue you were on
lithium because you were crazy.

Ben will be fine, all right. He's young.

His mind's a little spring,
he'll bounce right back.

That's what I'm talking about.

If that kid can handle
what we've been through

- in the last few months, he can handle anything.
- Yeah.

Or maybe those pills are
his last tether to sanity.

- You ever think of that?
- No pill is going to parent Ben.

- That is our job.
- Yeah, that's right.

We are the pills.

Can't wait to see that old bowl of soup

Crandall's face when he wins
that stupid Inventors Fair,

and he does it drug-free.

Oh, yeah, and then shove it in her face

- and show her, yeah, yeah...
- Stupid four-eyed nerd.

- She wear glasses?
- She doesn't wear glasses,

but I bet she's got
some in her night table.

Dollars to doughnuts, sleeps alone.

Ah, stupid night nerd.

Okay. Wow. Doesn't take much

to get you two on a crusade, does it?

- Barely anything.
- Almost nothing.

Okay, hands-on parenting,
first attempt, take one.

All right, Benghazi,
hit me with an idea.

A vest. I think Miss Crandall
would really like a vest.

Hmm, well, not that exciting, but, uh...

how great does it really need to be?

Uh, Mickey, I just looked
up some past winners.

MICKEY: "Toothbrush with
toothpaste dispenser inside."

"Self-watering plant pot"?

That vest is gonna get smoked.

Yeah, I think we're gonna have to dig

a little deeper, bud...
what else you got?

Toilet pants!

Toilet pants?

His brain's all jacked up from
quitting those meds cold turkey.

He's used to being
artificially stimulated.

No. He just needs to dust
off the cobwebs a little bit.

Come on, buddy. Come on.
Let's go get your mind right.

I'm warning you, you're
playing with fire.

I'm warning you, stop
warning me about stuff.

Oh, God!

Sniffing my undies, bro?

No, I'm just looking
for something, okay?

Yeah, what kind of something?

Something. I don't know. Uh, condoms?

Try the Smithsonian.

What are you doing?

Listen, I need something cool

I can bring back to the Acorn Boys.

Who the hell are the Acorn Boys?

It's my secret group.

If you tell anybody, I'll b*at your ass.

All right, calm down.

Let me guess:

beginning days of the group,

it was a non-stop thrill ride.

And now you're getting
a little bit older,

and the thrill is gone.

So you're looking for something,

anything, just to put you back on top.

That's exactly right. How'd you know?

'Cause I had a group of
my own back in the day.

Called ourselves Boys in the Hole.

Weird. Why?

'Cause we hung out in a hole.

Give me bucks,
I'll fix your problem.

bucks? For what?

It'll be worth it. Trust me.

You're gonna want to hold
onto these days for dear life,

because once they are
over, it is downhill.

I can see that.

MICKEY: Go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go! Stop! Okay.

- ALBA: Okay. Salmon time.
- MICKEY: Yep.

Down the hatch. All of it.

But I don't like the fishy taste.

Well, do you like the
coppery taste of failure?

'Cause that's all
you're gonna be tasting

unless you eat that whole plate, okay?

Come on, even the weird
gray part at the bottom.

- And the bones.
- Not the bone...

Why would he eat the
bones? Don't eat the bones.

I don't want to eat any
of it. I'm not hungry.

- Uh...
- It's not about your belly.

- Uh-uh.
- We are feeding your brain.

- There we go, chew it up.
- Good boy. Good boy.

All right! What do you think? Any ideas?

Toilet pants.

You already said that, guy.

You already said that. Remember?

A hat you can pee in.

Isn't that just a toilet hat?

You got anything
non-toilet-related?

A tree that sings.

A basketball I can dunk.

- ALBA: Mm-hmm.
- Uh, sparkling milk.

Uh, a butt you don't have to wipe.

Okay. I have a... you
know what we should do?

We should just... We
should take a break.

- Yep.
- Let's take a break.

- Right.
- We... we've all been working so hard.

- Yeah.
- But I still have more ideas.

MICKEY: You do?

Well, that's great news
for me. Go write 'em down...

- Yeah.
- ... and I can't wait to read 'em.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay.

- Okay. Uh, new plan.
- Mm.

We're gonna come up
with his idea for him.

Can't get more hands-on than that.

- Oh, yeah. It's good.
- Let's go.

- All right. I'm leaving.
- Hey.

He'll be here.

I... I don't get who this guy is.

How old is he?

Old. He's banging my aunt.

Trust me, this guy's plugged in.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JIMMY: Gentlemen, brace yourselves.

The future of the Acorn Boys is now.

(SHOUTING)

- (JIMMY LAUGHS)
- ALL: No!

What are you doing? I gave you $ ,

and you get Silly String?

You're right.

What a giant waste of money.

Good thing I brought this!

- Whoa!
- Oh!

- Whoa!
- Chill out!

Right? She's a beaut.

- That's freaking awesome!
- That's awesome!

It is awesome.

But it is not a toy.

This is a serious tactical w*apon

designed specifically

for precision target sh**ting.

Think you could put two arrows
in there at the same time?

We can sure as hell try.

♪ Cypress Hill ♪

♪ Well, I'm an alley cat ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Some say a dirty rat ♪

♪ On my side is my gat ♪

♪ See, I'm all of that,
spittin' out buck sh*ts ♪

- ♪ Boy, I'm gonna wet'cha ♪
- Oh!

♪ Run and hide, but I'm
still comin' to get'cha ♪

♪ Thinkin' like a peace smoke ♪

♪ Comin' on a homicide,
you talkin' ish ♪

♪ Tryin' to take me for a
ride, I'm not a bad guy ♪

- ♪ See, I'm the funky feel ♪
- Yeah!

♪ Finger on the trigger when
my hand's up on the steel ♪

♪ Lettin' out a b*llet ♪

♪ This is goin' boo-yah ♪

♪ You're stuck in my hood,
so what ya gonna do now? ♪

♪ Bein' the hunted one is no fun ♪

- (BOYS SHOUTING)
- ♪ Sawed-off shotgun, hand on the pump ♪

- Yeah!
- ♪ Left hand on a ♪

- ♪ Puffin' on a blunt... ♪
- Ah, thank you, Acorn Boys,

for allowing me to be
part of your sacred group.

Even if it was for just one
destruction-soaked afternoon.

(EXHALES)

- See you boys in the next life.
- Hey, where you going?

Uh, I paid for that. It's
official Acorn Boys property.

You think I'm gonna leave
a bunch of kids alone

with a crossbow?

What kind of moron do you think I am?

- (GRUNTS)
- FELDSTEIN: What the hell, Chip?

Now that we've had a crossbow,

we can't just go back to not having one.

All right, don't worry.

I'll think of something, okay?

MICKEY: This is insane.

How is a seven-year-old

supposed to come up with
something that no person

- has ever come up with?
- I don't know.

They're all jacked up on
brain pills, that's how.

We can't compete with that.

Yeah, we're like the one baseball player

not cranked on steroids,
while all the other gorillas

are out there just slamming

- home run after home run.
- Yeah.

You know what I think we got to do?

- Hmm.
- I think we got to level the playing field.

- What?
- Hear me out. Listen. I know

I was heavily against Ben
polluting his developing mind,

but think about it this way: our minds?

Already polluted.

That makes sense.

We just need a little nudge, you know?

So we can give him a little nudge.

You know what?

I don't see any other way.

Oh, boy. Ah. Not to be
a hypocrite or anything,

but these meds, they are the real McCoy.

- Right? I am feelin' noice!
- (EXCLAIMS)

My brain feels like the Internet.

Yeah, okay. So, it's,
uh, it's idea time.

- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna flow from the dome.

- All right, uh...
- Okay. Spit!

It should be sleek, am I right?

And modern. Biodegradable.

- Yes, but light. But also heavy.
- Oh, oh, oh, I know, I know!

- What? Oh, what? What, what?
- Um, uh, write this down. Um...

- Oh, sh**t! I can taste it.
- Oh, what does it taste like?

- Uh, it's just knocking at the door.
- Open it and grab it!

(GRUNTS) It's gone, lost.

- Aw, damn it. Close. Okay.
- Yeah, I know. Aw, sh**t.

All right. (GROANS)

Well, but here's the thing, though...

the idea's only, like,
ten percent of the thing.

Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah,
yeah. What do you mean?

Businesses these days... they're
all about branding, right?

- Okay, um...
- Apple. You think that's just a... a computer?

- Is Nike just a sneaker?
- Uh-huh. Yes.

Well, you're kind of right.
But you're also wrong as hell.

These guys... they sell a lifestyle.

The idea is interchangeable.

What we have to figure
out is Ben's booth.

- His... his Apple Store, his Niketown.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Once we figure out the booth,
then the invention is just gonna

come to us organically,
and that blue ribbon

- will be mine.
- Or Ben's.

- What, the ribbon? Ben's.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it's Ben's. That's
what I said. What'd I say?

Uh, let me check my notes.
I did not write anything.

- You're not writing?!
- Wha... (STAMMERS)

- Oh, God, I'm gonna rip my hair out.
- Okay, let's go.

Well, why don't you try
saying that to my face, Mom?

What's that?

Uh...

just a majorly deadly w*apon.

Can I play with it?

No, you may not.

That's okay.

I should probably get
ready for tomorrow anyway.

What's tomorrow?

You'll see.

MICKEY: Yes!

- Look at us! This... this booth is amazing.
- Oh.

Uh, all we got to do now
is just slide some invention

into this box, and that
gold medal will be ours.

- Okay, how we doing on time?
- Yeah. Uh...

- fair starts in a couple hours.
- Pill me.

Oh! No más.

- What are you talking about?!
- Wha...

- You ate them?!
- I was hungry.

Alba, we needed those pills

so we could destroy the competition.

Okay. We come up with an idea.

No, you ate all of the ideas.

So, yeah, now it's on you.

Go. Yo... that's... that's yours.

- Come on, think, think, think.
- Uh... Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Um...

Ooh!

Maybe it's not the competition
we destroy. Hear me out.

What if something were to
happen to Benito's project,

like... it got vandalized?

(GASPS) That way he's
a victim, not a loser.

I see no flaws with that plan.

- Yeah!
- Let's do it.

(ALBA GRUNTING)

♪

(ALBA YELLING)

(YELLING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Okay.

- All right. Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Hmm?

Does it look kind of weird that
only Ben's booth was targeted?

Hmm...

We could do a couple more.

- Just to be safe.
- Yeah, okay.

♪

- Yes! That is more like it.
- Yeah! Yeah.

All right, now it looks
like somebody came in

- and targeted a specific area.
- Yeah.

- That being said...
- Uh-huh?

- Can I ask you one other quick question?
- What?

Now does it sort of look like
we bashed up these two booths

just to cover up for that one?

Ah, you think a couple more?

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

(ALBA SHOUTS)

- Right?
- Uh-huh.

(PANTING): I think you
got it. I think we got it.

(DOOR OPENS)

Did you bring it?

No.

All I could find is more Silly String.

Yo, are you just doing
the same thing Jimmy did?

Yeah, we can see the
crossbow behind your back.

Is it the crossbow

- or is it the crossbow?
- Ow.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GAGS)

Chip.

ANDREW: Oh, my gosh,
oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.

There's an arrow
sticking out of his chest!

Okay, okay, okay,
everybody just calm down!

Take me, Lord. I'm ready.

You're gonna be fine.
Okay? We can fix this.

I'm so sleepy.

Hey, no. No sleeping. Come on.

Come on, bud. Please don't die on us.

(GRUNTS)

Stupid Acorn Boys!

Chip!

We got to get that arrow
out of him before Jimmy sees.

Andrew, I'm sorry I said you
look like the tired emoji.

Here. Bite down on this.

Sorry, buddy.

(GROANS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

- EDUARDO: Oh, my God!
- CHIP: Put the pad on!

(ALL SHOUTING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- ANDREW: This will never work.
- EDUARDO: Hurry.

CHIP: Hey. What's up, man?

Did you, uh, bring the crossbow?

It's funny you should ask.

My crossbow has gone missing.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

No, that's mad weird.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Hey, you calling us liars?

Acorn Boys never lie. Got that?

Yeah, I respect that.

Boys in the Hole had a
strict no-lying policy, too.

- Holler if you see it, yeah?
- CHIP: Yeah.

Got it.

(GROANS)

Okay. Don't panic.

We're gonna handle this like adults.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, go, go!

Go!

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Remember when I said it was a bad idea

to take Ben off his meds?

Look at these.

I told you this was gonna happen.

His teacher is covered in blood

and filled with arrows.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- My crossbow.
- What crossbow?

The one I got Chip. Ben must have it.

- Well, where is he?!
- School.

What the hell, Crandall?

Do you have any idea

how hard we... B... Ben worked on this?

We have been the victims
of a heartless vandalism.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Whoever did this is a
stone-cold psychopath.

I am sick over it.

You know, 'cause Ben, he
invented a cherry of an idea.

You got to ask him.

Well, I would love to
talk to Ben. Where is he?

Oh, now there's that little bugger.

- Everybody, down!
- sh**t!

He's gonna sh**t
Crandall with a crossbow!

(PEOPLE GASP)

Get off me! No, I'm not.

And I made her a vest.

Uh... oh. Why?

Because I love her.

I invented it so she could
stay organized and clean.

(RAGGED BREATHING)

MICKEY: Oh, um...

- Well... that was it.
- Vest is the answer.

Look, we thought Ben was gonna k*ll you.

And instead he was making
you some kind of vest?

Because he loves you?

I call it the Teacher's Pet.

Well, thank you, Ben.

It was very thoughtful and sweet.

And he did it totally
clean, I might add.

ALBA: No, and...

we did not take any dr*gs, either, FYI.

Well, I admit this is a side of Ben

that I have not seen before.

He was motivated and focused

and he completed the
assignment all by himself.

I'm impressed.

So, you're saying I was right?

I don't know about that.

But you are saying I won?

Parenting's not a competition.

Ah, says the woman who lost.

- (ALBA LAUGHS)
- Come on, big guy.

Let's go take a nap. We earned it.

Ugh.

Wait a minute.

If Ben's invention was
ruined in the att*ck,

why did he make this vest?

Okay, so first you're a doctor

and then suddenly you're a detective?

(LAUGHS) Tone it down, lady.

Just be a teacher, okay?

CHIP: Okay, old business.

Yesterday was completely insane.

I can't believe my parents bought

that I skated into a tree branch.

Sit down!

Acorn Boys betrayed me?

And don't tell me
Feldstein skated into a tree

because I've been outside
listening for a while.

- We can explain.
- Don't bother.

You stole my crossbow, sh*t Feldstein,

and lied to my face.

The Acorn Boys are finished.

'Cause you Acorn Men now.

(CAN OPENING)

And I am so damn proud of you guys!

- Hell, yeah.
- (WHOOPS)

- ACM for life.
- Thanks, Jimmy.

- No.
- What?

I said no.

W... we've seen too much.

It's time to move on.

I officially declare this the th

and final meeting of the Acorn Boys.

President Chip, signing off.

BEN: Toilet pants.

Hope you enjoyed
kickin' it with The Mick.

Now here are a few more
shows to check out from Fox.

♪ Hey-ay-ay ♪

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WOMAN: This is our story.

♪ Can't stop me now ♪

♪ Can't stop me now ♪

♪ I'm just doing what I do ♪

♪ Won't stop doing what I do ♪

♪ Can't stop me now ♪

- ♪ Can't stop me now ♪
- ♪ Can't stop me now ♪

- ♪ Cannot b*at me ♪
- ♪ Can't stop me now ♪

♪ I'm just doin' what I do ♪

♪ Won't stop doin' what I do ♪