02x06 - The Matriarch

[bunniefuu]

PARTY PLANNER: I don't
know what to tell you.

I'm not seeing a Mullen.

Maybe 'cause that's not my name.

It's Mickey Molng.

Mulling?

Molng.

I don't... Could you spell that?

I feel like you're trying to
get cute. Are you being cute?

- Try Maldanado. M-a-l...
- We're not on the...

They're not supposed
to be on the list, okay.

It's Sabrina, Chip and Ben Pemberton.

We're Rita's great-grandchildren.

This is her th birthday.

I'm sorry, I can't let you
in if you're not on the list.

No, okay. Well, here's the thing
about lists: I have one also,

and you, my friend, are
just climbing right up

- to the tippy-top of it...
- Grandpa!

Can you just... just stay
right-right there, please.

Yeah.

Come on.

PARTY PLANNER: I'm sorry,
ma'am. He just ran in.

- Get.
- Tippy.

- TIPPY: Oh, great.
- MICKEY: Nice to see you up on your hind legs.

Grandma, tell this door
jockey there's a mistake.

We're not on the guest list.

Probably because you weren't invited.

You're an infected limb of this family

and I've decided to sever you.

Please see them out, lest they
further agitate the colonel.

RITA: Helen?

- Is that you?
- CHIP: Here we go.

Oh, oh, it is.

(GASPS) What a marvelous surprise.

I haven't seen you in a crow's age.

(GASPS) And you brought your sweet boy.

Little Dippy.

- Get off me!
- TIPPY: Rita!

This is not Helen.

This is the whore's sister

of that other whore, who married

your grandson.

Hush up, Tippy.

My dearest friend, Helen,

treks all the way from coral gables

- with her feeble-minded boy...
- MICKEY: Mm.

And you haven't the decency

to show them in?

- For shame!
- For shame indeed, Tippy.

Helen, you and Dippy
make yourselves at home.

Well, thank you very
much, Rita. We will.

Happy birthday.

Yeah.

- Thank you.
- (ALBA CHUCKLES)

Okay, now, this is what
I'm talking about, right?

This is the life I signed up for

when I agreed to babysit you turds.

This is the life we were
living before you showed up.

ALBA: Wow, this is nice.

Can I drink water out
of the goldfish pond?

No. No.

Why not? The fishes do it.

Let's act like we belong here.

Aah! Hot! Oh, go...

- Just excessively hot.
- Yeah. Hey.

- Yeah, you got to use the stick.
- Yeah.

You want to use a stick
and stick it in the fruit.

- And then the fruit goes in. Oh.
- Yeah, get some fruit in there.

You know, it's not
natural to live to be .

When I turn ... (IMITATES g*n COCKING)

Boom-boom, two sh*ts in the head.

Why wait till ?

May I take that, ma'am?

JIMMY: Hey.

Don't just throw your bone at the guy.

Why not? It's his job.

May I take yours as well, sir?

No, I'm cool. Thanks.

Jimmy, just give him the bone.

Really, it's no trouble.

It's no trouble for me either, man.

I'll just throw it in my pocket,
wait till I find a dumpster.

What's wrong with you?

I don't think I'm better
than anyone, Sabrina.

No one said you were.

God, you're missing the point.

Haven't you ever experienced real power?

Yeah, sure. Couple times, maybe.

Aw. That's a no.

Jimmy, you're missing out.

To have another human being

obey your every single command...

God, I miss having help.

MICKEY: Check out all this cool crap.

Got a fancy candle, headphones,

a spa gift certificate.

Keep a lookout. Let me
know if anyone's coming.

- Why?
- 'cause I'm gonna steal one.

They're gift bags. You
don't need to steal them.

RITA: There you are, Helen.

I've been looking all over for you.

Gam-gam, it's me, Chip, your
great-grandson, remember?

Oh, my goodness.

Dippy's speech has improved so much

since that dreadful mule nearly
put a hoof through his head.

You were so right not to lobotomize him.

Well, I don't know. Eh.

Sometimes I think I should have

just zapped him and moved on, you know.

Hilarious.

- Ooh.
- Ow!

Food is for invited guests.

You could stand to skip a meal.

Looking more like a chunk than a chip.

Come now, Rita. It's time for bed.

It's : .

She's years old. She needs her rest.

I don't want to.

Helen, you and Dippy
should stay the weekend.

We'll play squash.

You can't even brush your
own teeth. Now, chop-chop.

The colonel and I have an early flight.

Oh, yeah? Where you going?

Nantucket, if you must know.

Doctors worry if I
take on any more stress,

I'll have an aneurysm.

Well, no one would want that.

- Thanks for coming.
- MICKEY: Mm.

Now you can crawl back to
the ruins from which you came

- and never, ever return.
- All right.

- We get it, we won't come back.
- We have a house, calm down.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Rita!
- Oh, Helen!

I thought you had to
get back to Florida.

Oh, no. Didn't you hear?

Nah, Florida's under water.

Oh, my, that's terrible.

Yeah, it is what it is.

You remember the little Dipper.

RITA: Of course.

Come in. Come in.

And you brought friends.

♪♪

M. mmm. Mmm.

Thanks.

Don't you feel bad at all?

Nah, I never eat like this.

Could go for another
short stack at least.

No, I'm talking about taking advantage

of an old, senile woman.

She's our great-grandma
for frick's sake.

Well, would you rather have her
hanging out in this giant house

all by herself, collecting
dust like a mummy?

No. This way she gets to spend

a lovely weekend with
her best friend, Helen,

and her mushy-brained, little fat boy.

- Oh, so Dippy's fat now?
- Chip, come on.

Think you and I both know that

Dippy's not an attractive kid.

RITA: There you are.

Oh, well, there's the birthday girl!

Helen, I have to tell you, it
is wonderful having you here.

Hmm. it has been a long time, hasn't it?

Helen, when was the last
time you two saw each other?

Oh, man, dip. It's been, um...

Been awhile. It's, um,
tough to say. Probably...

August , .

Wow. Good memory.

That's right. That-that was
ex... she's exactly right.

Oh, that day...

- It was sensational.
- MICKEY: Mm.

The Japanese had just surrendered

and we took to the streets to celebrate.

And celebrate we did.

Oh, Rita. Man, that was a good day.

We thought those little bastards
would never give up, huh?

- And you took a bottle of champagne and threw it...
- Mm.

Through the window of
that dim sum palace.

Huh.

Of course, we found out later

that dim sum was Chinese,

- not Japanese.
- Right.

But we didn't know the
difference back then

and we didn't care.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell is this?

Oh, it's your favorite, Dippy.

Soft-boiled eggs, waffles and sausage.

- All blended up...
- (SNIFFS) Ugh.

Just the way you like it.

Gross. I'm not eating this.

I want what she has, the good stuff.

And chew through
another one of my spoons?

I think not, Dippy.

- MICKEY: Yeah.
- Hey, look. I-I...

Mm-mm. mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Mama's not gonna say it again.

You drink your breakfast like
a good boy. You got it, Dippy?

Understand?

Hey, Rita. After I
finish these cakes up,

what do you say you take me on
a grand tour of this house, huh?

I'd love to.

- This place has everything!
- (ALBA CHUCKLES)

What should we do
first? Go to the beach?

Play tennis? Ooh, go chase a rabbit?

No, the only thing I'm doing
is heading back to the house

to kick my feet up.

I work too hard, Benny.

Always have.

But not today. (CHUCKLES)

You want to watch a movie...

Wha... Benito?

(STAMMERS, GASPS)

No.

Don't you go in that maze.

Benny!

You... No! Benny! Wait! Benito!

Benny!

Benny, wait! Oh, ho, ho!

Okay, you're trapped.

Let's go. Game's over.

Come on. I... oh.

Uh...

(CHUCKLES): Okay.

I'm a little turned around.

Do you know how we got in here?

Yeah, we go this way. Come on.

- Is it this way? Uh...
- ♪ Anxious sound ♪

Okay, come on. This way.

Oh, okay. Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

We go this way.

- Um, no?
- ♪♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Good afternoon, ma'am.
Is everything okay?

No, it's not okay.

My shirt is wrinkled.

I pressed it this morning.

Are you questioning me?

Of course not. My apologies.

I-I'll press it again later.

No! You'll press it now.

JIMMY: Yo! Richard!

Oh. Hey. What are you guys doing?

Nothing. I was just
giving Richard my laundry.

Oh, I was about to do some. So
why don't you just give it to me

and I'll throw it in with my load.

- No, thanks.
- Really? 'Cause we could

save water. I'll put
your load with my load

and just do one big load, as
opposed to Richard having to do

a bunch of tiny, little loads.

I said no. And stop saying "loads."

(WITH ANOTHER ACCENT) Loads.

(GRUMBLES)

Gosh.

What crawled up her ass?

I couldn't tell you, sir.

Enough with the "sir"
stuff. Call me Jimmy.

In fact, what are you doing
for the rest of the day?

- You want to party or something?
- I have to work, sir.

Okay, what about tomorrow?

I also have to work, sir.

Okay, when are you not working?

- Sunday.
- Sunday it is.

You and me getting ripped, okay?

Until then, give me your
laundry. I'll take care of it.

I've already done my own laundry, sir.

Well, what about that shirt?

I'm wearing it, sir.

Yeah, and you've been
sweating in it all day.

Pop it off. I'll do it.

I'd rather not.

Dude, I'm not leaving here
until I get that shirt.

Yes, sir.

All right. You know, just...

It's all right, man.

It's cool. It's a good fit.

Sunday,

- we're getting ripped.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Let's try this way!

I know it's right. It's got to be!

No, Benito. No more ways.

I am done with this maze
and its endless trickery.

I will not be a sl*ve to plants.

What are we gonna do?

- Move aside.
- (CRACKING, GRUNTING)

♪ Badass music ♪

(YELLS)

MICKEY: Pull!

- Boom! skeet, skeet!
- Ooh!

- Bravo.
- Yeah.

Now let me show you how it's done.

- Go for it.
- Pull!

Oh...

I said pull, damn you!

Damn, Rita!

You a cold-blooded assassin.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You want a bourbon?

No, no. I'm not allowed.

Doctor's orders.

You're . If I get to be ,

I'm not saying I'm gonna
sh**t heroin, but...

I'm definitely gonna snort it, you know,

or smoke it or something.

You know what, you're right.

Get me a gin Rickey
and a pack of smokes!

- Mm-hmm.
- You bring out the devil in me.

- (LAUGHS)
- Attagirl.

- Damn the rules, am I right? Pull!
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- Helen! Whoa!
- (GRUNTS) Whoa! Oh, Dippy!

Come on, man. You don't
sneak up on a drunk sh**t.

I almost blasted another
hole in your head.

- Come here.
- Hmm?

- What?
- This is us.

Okay? The real Helen and little Dippy.

Damn, I was a hot dish of ass.

And, my goodness, that
mule got you, didn't he?

Yeah, yuk it up. I'm leaving.

What? No, you're not.
You're not leaving.

Hey, take one for the team, okay?

We're all making sacrifices here.

I just drank a ham sandwich.

What sacrifices are you making?

You think I want to
spend the entire afternoon

gabbing with this bird? I don't.

I'm doing it for the family.

You want to send us back to that
godforsaken, b*rned-up hellhole

just 'cause you didn't
like your breakfast?

What do you say we hit the
boulevard and go shopping?

My treat.

I say bring the car around, Rita.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Eh, I could do some shopping.

No, Dippy, the afternoon
is for your mother and me.

I have something even better for you.

I am not wearing a helmet.

Then I'm afraid you
won't be enjoying this.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Does Dippy like?

Dippy likes. Dippy likes very much.

- ♪ Somebody help me ♪
- (SHOUTS)

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ somebody, please, somebody ♪

- ♪ please help me ♪
- (GRUNTING)

♪ I'm in love now that I've found ♪

♪ birds and the bees
are helping me round ♪

♪ birds are singing
their song of cheer ♪

♪ love will escape me ♪

♪ I fear, somebody help me ♪

- ♪ somebody help me ♪
- (SHOUTS)

♪ Somebody, please,
somebody please help me. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Saxophone solo ♪

♪ Music fading ♪

RITA: Psst.

Helen.

Helen.

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS, SHOUTS) What are you doing?

- Oh, Rita, what the hell?
- No, no, Helen, take me,

- just like you used to.
- What?

- Take me, take me, take me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

- No!
- What? Didn't we have a nice day?

Yeah, yeah. Good day. Good day.

- It's not about the day.
- Why won't you look at me?

I am looking. I'm looking.

Look at me, Helen.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Mm-hmm.

I said look at me!

(HIGH PITCHED) Yeah. I'm seeing it.

I see everything.

If you're worried my hips

can't take the workout, don't be.

- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- (MICKEY YELPS)

No, that's not it either.

No, I'm-I'm sure you could go all night.

Oh, god. What am I saying? Get off me.

I got to go. (GRUNTING)

Oh.

I'm sorry. Rita, it's not you.

It's really not. It's, um...

It's little Dippy, isn't it?

Yep! Yep, it's Dippy.

That kid, always... Getting in the way.

Forget him. You deserve so much more,

and I can give it to you.

Bet you could. I bet you could.

And-and if he weren't in the picture,

oh, man, I would be all over that.

And those. And, um...

And even that thing.

But... oh, curse you, Dippy!

You selfish, feeble-minded
boy. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I have to go check on him.

(SIGHS)

Oh! There you are! Listen.

Rita's a lesbian. She's madly in
love with me, so pack your bags.

- We will get out of here.
- What? No.

Did you hear what I just said?

Your great-grandmother tried to bone me.

I had to sleep in my car
just to get away from her.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- I thought you hated it here.

I did, but then I came around
on this whole Dippy situation.

I got to tell you, this is pretty sweet.

I am cleaner than I've ever been.

I-I'm not wasting any
time chewing my food,

and I'm pretty sure I
could dump in my pants,

and someone would have
to take care of it.

Oh, well, that sounds so
lovely. That's wonderful.

Guess what I did? I woke up with
a -year-old boob in my face.

- So what?
- The woman is a sexual predator.

I'm supposed to have
dinner with her tonight.

A dinner I can only assume

comes with a whole lot of expectations.

Hey. "We all got to make
sacrifices," remember?

- I don't sound like that.
- Okay.

So some grand old dame
wants to get in your pants.

I'm certain you've debased
yourself in worse ways.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

little Dippy's got to get his soak on.

♪ Electric music ♪

JIMMY: Hey, Richard.

It's Sunday.

Time to hear your little sins.

I got cold beer, crisp shirts,

down to...

(GASPS)

Well, well, well.

If it isn't little miss "no
fraternizing with the help,"

and Mr. "I've got too
much work to hang out."

Jimmy, get out of here. We're busy.

What happened to your work, Richard?

- Jimmy, we-we are...
- Oh, I see.

You're only on a first-name
basis with those you betray.

And you. Some family.

We're not family.

Jimmy.

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)

(SHOUTS)

Helen and I need time alone.

(CHIP PANTING)

(QUIETLY): Oh, my god.

(DOOR OPENS)

- We're leaving, now.
- Oh, thank god.

Crazy bitch just tried to
m*rder me with a toaster.

- She what?
- She said that "Helen and I need time alone."

- Oh, my god.
- I know. Pack your things. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll go. We will.

- What? Well...
- (SNAPS FINGERS)

I should probably go say
good-bye first, though.

She just tried to k*ll me.

I know, but she did that for me.

Nobody's ever tried to
k*ll anybody for me before.

She really does love me.

She doesn't even know who you are.

- She loves Helen.
- You know what?

That doesn't matter. The woman
has been very lovely to us,

and we're not gonna just ghost her.

She's . She is a ghost.

Look, I got dinner with
her in minutes anyway.

I'll go. I'll let her down
easy, and then we'll leave.

It's : .

I know it's : .

She goes to bed at : .

Don't you have a Turkey
dinner to go drink somewhere?

Get out of here, Dippy.

Fine, I'm...

I'm gonna go pack my things.

Hey, girl.

- (INHALES)
- (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, Helen.

You look absolutely stunning.

Thank you, Rita. So do you.

Oh, a little more covered than I'd like.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, yeah,
yeah. L-let's cool it

on the hand stuff. (CHUCKLES)

- Ooh. oh!
- (GASPS) Oh!

You know what? Moratorium
on foot stuff, too. Okay?

So, listen, Rita.

We need to talk.

Before you say another word,

I want you to have something.

No. Come on. No more gifts, okay?

Please just-just let me say this.

I need to tell you... (GASPS) Oh, my!

That's, uh... Oh, crap. That's pretty.

Then, let me take care of you.

I'll treat you like gold, baby.

Uh, no, we can't do this
anymore. Listen, Rita,

I got to go back to Florida.

I'm sorry, but this is over.

How many times will I
let you break my heart?

Oh...

- (CRYING): I just...
- No, come on.

Don't cry, please?

Listen.

You're my best friend, Rita.

And I-I love you.

I always will.

I want you to have this,

to remember me.

Yeah, okay. That sounds good.

I'll miss you, Helen.

I'll miss you, too.

RICHARD: Please, Jimmy. Let me explain.

No, you know what? She
doesn't even like you, Richard.

All right? She's just
trying to get off on some

class dynamic power play.

Yeah, he knows that.

TIPPY: Richard!

Where are your clothes?

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Grandma.

What the hell is going on here?

Okay, you know what? W-we can explain.

It was Mickey's fault.

Where is she?

(BOTH MOANING)

What the hell? Unhand that woman!

Oh! Ooh... No. Uh...

Nah, that's not, it's not what it...

It's not what it looks like.

It looks like you are raping
my -year-old mother-in-law.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No. That was, uh...

I was comforting her.

It was a good-bye kiss. You know?

She-she gave me a necklace.

I-I was doing the right thing.

The woman has dementia.

Mickey, what's wrong with you?

- Uh...
- JIMMY: Oh, this is great.

You're having sex with this old bird.

You're banging the Butler.

Ew, gross. I'm not banging him.

- What are you doing?
- You know, just slapping him around

and burning him up a little bit.

RITA: Good for you, dear.

I'm a lesbian.

Rita, you're smoking?

I'm living my life.

That's it. I'm calling the police.

- What?
- This is elder abuse.

No, no. No, that's
not necessary. No, no.

After the hellish weekend
I just had with the colonel,

I come home to a damn Roman orgy?

Well, I see that you're upset,
but if you just ask Rita,

you'll understand; she just had
the best weekend of her life.

I mean, look how happy she is!

(SCREAMING, GASPING)

(expl*si*n IN DISTANCE)

I think we're going the wrong way.

Yeah. Thank you, Benito.

You've been a lot of help today.

(POLICE CHATTER)

Sabrina,

can I call you sometime?

Ooh, uh...

Yeah, I don't think so.

You know, the job was kind
of the whole thing for me,

so now that you don't
work here anymore, it's...

JIMMY: Yeah, and you
can't have mine, either.

'Cause you had your
chance, and you missed it.

So...

Well, it all happened
very fast, you know?

- I bet she didn't feel a thing.
- CHIP: Yeah.

Maybe she'll think twice about
trying to k*ll me next time.

Chip, she's our great-grandmother.

And she's dead.

Exactly. Chippy don't play.

Ugh.

Uh, what do you think this means for us?

Well, it's Tippy's house now.

I doubt she's gonna be as accommodating.

Let's go pack our stuff.

Uh, Mickey?

Seems you have a telegram.

Huh.

"If you can't stop the
infection from spreading,

best to let the body die.

I've had enough of this rotten family,

and the colonel's incessant badgering."

"I hope you'll all be
very happy together.

I'm off to live my life.

Tippy."

What does that mean?

I think it means we get the house.

And the colonel.

That old broad ghosted us.

ALBA: Mickey! Mickey...

Oh! Where have you two been?

I don't wanna talk about it. I
don't want to be here anymore.

Can just somebody take me home, please?

Yeah, well... The thing is...

I think we are home.

You guys wanna go to a maze?