02x16 - The Accident

[bunniefuu]

S E The Accident
Original air date March th

MICKEY:
What's going on, bud?

You love spaghetti à la Molng.

Troy's having a sleepover tonight,

and I wasn't invited.

Troy sounds like a d*ck.

You want to have your own
sleepover and not invite him?

I'll give you full access
to my movie collection.

And I mean full.

ALBA:
Oh. Better yet,

let's invite Troy,
give him the wrong address.

- You know, send him to a real
nasty part of town. -MICKEY: Oh.

- Okay.
- BEN: There's no one to invite.

Troy invited every boy in class
except me.

- What?
- ALBA: Okay.

No big deal.
We have our own fun.

I'm sorry, that's a very big deal.

Number one, it's extremely rude;

number two, uh, this is where
friendships are forged.

Yeah. You get cut now,
you're never coming back.

Okay, I think you are overreacting, no?

I think maybe you're underreacting.

When I was a kid, my friends
and I 'd Marissa Fetter

because she got boobs before we did.

- Guess where she is now.
- Hooking? -Dead?

She's a dentist.

Don't dentists make a lot of money?

That is not the point.
She has to spend her entire day

rooting around inside
other people's mouths. Gross.

What am I gonna do?

This is what we're gonna do.

You go get your jammies on.

- You're going to a sleepover tonight.
- Come on.

(JIMMY CHUCKLES)

Troy.

And did you check the jacket
you wore last night?

Maybe it's in there.

It's not. I checked everywhere.

Well, they're not gonna
let you in without an ID.

I don't know what you want me
to do. It's not here.

Well, maybe Kelsey can
pass hers back.

Yeah, okay. They're gonna
believe that I look like that?

I don't know.

Maybe you guys
should just go without me.

No, we can't go without you.

Seriously, it's fine.
I can just chill at home.

No, I mean we literally
cannot get in without you.

Yeah. Fuji put your name
on the list.

Okay, well, I-I don't know
what to tell you; it's not here.

Well, just keep looking, okay?

We're not missing tonight.

Okay, I get it!

You hearing what I'm hearing?

Sabrina lost her fake.

Ah, I know.
It's like, call off the search,

just get naked already.

Dude, that's your sister.

All right, whatever. I won't
look at that part of the screen.

You're missing the point.

I can make her an ID
just like the ones I made us.

No way. I'm not doing her
any favors.

No, dude, we can use it as leverage

to force them to hang with us.

Oh, snap.

Wait, that... that could just
take our siblingship

to the next level.

We could be as tight
as the frickin' Gyllenhaals.

Damn, son, you scandalous, huh?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Troy's mom?

- Hi, can I help you?
- Well, I certainly hope so.

Um, I'm not sure how involved
you were with creating

the guest list for tonight,

but, uh, my nephew Ben Pemberton
got excluded.

Oh, no, I am so sorry about that.

I bet you are, seeing as how
he was the only boy

in the class not invited.

Well, right, I...
and I feel horrible...

- Do you? -...but you know,
Troy made the guest list,

and I just invited everybody
on it. So you know...

- and I wasn't expecting you...
- Me to call you out on it.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, no! That's not even what...

No, you know what? You don't
have to explain yourself to me.

I would love for you to explain
yourself to him though.

- Uh... oh.
- I just don't feel like

breaking a little boy's heart today.

All right, buddy.
Have the best time.

(QUIET) Don't screw this up.
(LOUD) It's gonna be such a blast.

Remember, if everybody's
doing something,

- you do it, too.
- But what if I don't like it?

We'll figure out whether or not
you like it tomorrow.

Okay. You know what?
Just be yourself, all right?

They're gonna love you.

And if they don't, pop this bad boy in.

Simon Birch?

It's a decoy. You'll see.

Now, go get 'em, tiger.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Go away!

- Hey, Sabrina.
- (SABRINA GROANS)

Oh, sorry.
Didn't know you had company.

Yeah, you did.

Amanda, Kelsey.
Nice to see you again.

Have we met?

No. No, but I... but, you know,
I've seen you around.

Chip, you're making everybody
uncomfortable.

Get the hell out of my room!

- We can make you fake IDs.
- What?

Yeah. My boy makes sick
fake IDs. You guys need one?

(SIGHS) You have got to stop
spying on me, dude.

What? No. We-we weren't spying.

We were just...
He made a batch,

and we were
trying to be neighborly,

but if you don't need them...

Let me see it.

"Chaz Pembrose, Park Avenue,

born / / "?

Chip, this makes you years old.

Eh, but nobody's really doing
the math on that.

That's the only thing they're doing.

Wait, this one's even worse.
"Jaden Smith"?

- What are you guys thinking?
- Okay, you know what?

Just... forget it.

Girls, have a nice night.

Uh...
(SIGHS)

Do they scan?

Of course they scan.

My boy's like frickin' Snowden.

Okay, how much?

Ladies, please.

We don't want your money, we...

we just want your company.

- Gross.
- What? - Ew.

No, no, no, no.
Not like that. No.

We just want to go
to the club with you guys.

Chip, we can't be seen

in public with you.
You have to know that.

Okay, we'll just send you guys
pictures from the dance floor.

- Oh, come on. - Just do it.
- Yeah, okay, fine.

Deal.

You won't regret this.

Yeah, I already do.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

BEN:
Mickey.

I had an accident.

Were you driving?

- What?
- Hmm?

Who is this?

It's Ben.

Ben?

Why are you calling me so late?

I peed my bed.

Oh, come on, man.

I-I stuck my neck out for you.

This is your move?

I was nervous.

(GROANS)
Well...

way to respond to pressure, buddy.

- Is this bad?
- It's not good.

Oh, who is that?

Ben peed the bed.

Oh, that's it.

He might as well take a dump
on the front lawn.

- He's a goner.
- Mickey.

- What do I do?
- Just sit tight, okay?

I'm on my way.
Don't wake anybody up.

Definitely don't pee anymore.

Please hurry.

Yes. I'm coming.

Okay, let's go. I will drive.

- Where did you come from?
- I was listening in.

What?! Again? Alba,
come on, you can't do that!

You can't listen in. Stop.

Why, uh, were you having sex
or something?

BOTH : No!

- Okay, what's the problem, then?
- I don't have time for this.

Let's just go, all right?
As soon as we get home,

- we're talking about boundaries.
- Shotgun.

- Shh! Shh.
- (WHISPERS): Geez.

ALBA:
(WHISPERING) Okay.

So what is our mission objective?

There is no mission.

We're not forming a ninja g*ng.

We're delivering dry sheets
and pajamas to a child.

Okay, then, that would be
our mission objective.

- What's my role in this?
- I-I don't know.

Can you stop asking questions?

We'll just figure it out as we go.

Psst. Aunt Mickey, up here.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, I got dry PJs for you.

Go ahead and toss me down your wet ones.

- (YELPS, SPITS)
- Oh...

Oh, no.

Where's the heads-up?

Sorry.

It's cool. Okay.
Here come the dry ones.

- Oh, no! No, no, no!
- Oh! -Ooh!

Get it off me!
They're wet! (SPITS)

Sorry again.

I think those are the sheets.

Oh, you think so? You think so?

Don't throw anything else, okay?

You ready?

(GRUNTS)

You should've let me throw it.

Yeah.

(GRUNTS)
There we go.

Okay...

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERING):
Okay.

Put on the fresh PJs.

Flip the mattress, change
the sheets, go back to sleep.

I can't flip the mattress by myself.

You're lucky you're cute,
because you're useless.

Move.

Here we go.

God, man, you really
weighed this thing down.

(GASPS)

Wha...?

You peed through the whole thing?

How is that even possible?

I didn't mean to.

Well, this changes things.
Stay there.

Guys, psst!

The mattress is toast.
He peed straight through it.

- No!
- He cleared the whole thing?

Yeah. We need to find
a new one now.

I'm on it.

Wait, where are you going to find
a new mattress at this hour?

Oh, I didn't say it'd be new.

Come on, climb up here.
Come on up.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Y'all ready to get crunk?

Boom. Let's ride, chicken heads.

(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.

What are you wearing? You guys
look like complete douche bags.

Eh, agree to disagree, but we'll
talk about this in the limo.

Okay. You are out of your mind

if you think we're showing up in a limo.

Well, then you're out of your mind

- if you think you're showing up at all.
- Okay, just...

relax. We just need
to make some adjustments

to whatever the hell this is.

Eh. No, this outfit's fire.

Would you guys ever hook up
with... let me rephrase that.

Would you guys ever speak
to a guy dressed like this?

(CHUCKLES)

- God, no. - Not a chance.
-Yeah.

Listen.

You're silently screaming out for help.

I can see it, okay?

So just let me help you.
Okay? Come on.

- Y-You promise I'll look dope?
- I promise.

I'll be whoever you want me to be.

(WHISPERING)
Oh, yeah. That'll do.

Ay. O-Okay. It's a little higher
than I thought.

Yeah, yeah, but you're fine,
just don't look down.

Get over here.

(ALBA PANTING)

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, geez.

Can you pull a little bit harder?

Oh, you're one to talk with
your skinny little puppet arms.

(GRUNTS)

Yes, yes, Alba.

(SNORING)

(GRUNTING)

Check that one.

Check that one.

- No?
- No? Okay.

Okay, shh, shh. Nobody panic.
Nobody panic. All right, here.

Look. (GRUNTS)

It's okay. It's okay.
It's all right.

I got this.

(LINE RINGING)

JIMMY: What?

What the hell is taking you so long?

Hey, I'm doing the best I can, okay?

I took the hard job.
You don't hear me complaining.

So I'll be there when I'm there.

Oh... (YELPS)

That's not good.

So what are we gonna do now?

Well, we're not gonna panic, are we?

No, um...

- You know what we're gonna do?
- Hmm?

We're just gonna jump.

Are you nuts?

Do you want to spend the whole
night up here on this roof?

Oh, okay, fine.

Y-You jump off first without
dying, and then I will follow.

Okay.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

No.

(SIGHS)

Unless... we've got something
to break our fall.

You see, th-this
is the thing about me

that nobody gives me credit for.

I am a problem solver. Right?

(GRUNTS)

(DEEP BREATH)

Hmm.

ALBA: Okay. Go on.

- Yup.
- What are you waiting for?

I-I thought you said
it was no big deal?

No, it's a big deal, you know,
'cause I'm jumping off a roof.

Oh, okay.

- (SQUEALS, GROANS)
- ALBA: Ay!

You okay?

(GROANS)

Yeah.

It was actually pretty fun.
You're gonna love it.

No. No, thank you.
I sleep up here tonight.

Got your mattress, Mick.
So you know what that means.

That means, when we get home,

you going right downtown,

because I am the mayor.

- (MICKEY GASPS)
- (YELLS)

Ooh.

(GASPING)

Oh, my God.

- Mick, are you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm okay.

That could be a problem.

Well, now what are we gonna do?
That's a lot worse than a pee stain.

Nah, it's not so bad.

It could be any number of brown things,

- like chocolate or chili...
- Diarrhea.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I hadn't thought
of that one.

- This is definitely worse.
- ALBA: Uh, come on, way worse.

In the morning,

Ben is going to have a new nickname:

"Brown Ben,"
"Ben the Butt..."

We only have a couple
hours until the sun comes up.

Can we just not waste it
by brainstorming poop nicknames?

I don't know. This could work.

I mean, Ben has some real
plausible deniability here.

Diarrhea has a very specific scent.

This mattress will not
pass the smell test.

No, k-kids don't care
about logic.

To an eight-year-old,
brown equals diarrhea.

That's-that's a fact.

All right, take it easy, okay?
I'm just trying to help.

Well, you're not doing a very good job.

Do you have any idea what I went
through to get this mattress?

What have you two done?

- You hit me with a car.
- I am stuck on a roof.

"Oh, you just hit me with
your car. I'm on a roof." Okay.

Need I remind you, there is
a scared little boy up there

and he is staring down the barrel

of four years of dental school.

Maybe he'll get lucky
and another boy will pee the bed

and-and then Ben won't be
the only loser.

H-Hold on a second.

What if it's not just one other boy?

What if they all wet their beds?

Come on, Mick.
% saturation, not a chance.

Well, you leave that to me.

First things first, help me
get this mattress inside.

All right.

What-what are you do...
what are you doing?

I'm gonna break the window
so we can get back in.

You can't just smash a window.

Don't you think that'll
raise a few questions?

Well, you find a dead squirrel
and throw it in there after.

Why would a squirrel
smash through the window?

I don't know, maybe 'cause
it's a flying squirrel.

And where are we gonna find
a dead flying squirrel?

You don't have to.

You just find a squirrel and a bird,

then you glue them together.

No one knows what
a flying squirrel looks like.

Well, I know it doesn't look
like a bird glued to a squirrel.

Hey, guys. Get in here.

Huh, that'll work, too.

Hate to admit it,
but Sabrina was right.

We look certified fresh.

We're about to get so much tang,
it's ridiculous.

All right, let's bounce, ladies.
Tang Twins are ready to go.

Oh, no.

Where'd they go?

The IDs.

Damn it.

- They ditched us?
- That bitch.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Your brother is such a loser.

- How are you guys even related?
- Okay,

relax, okay? We're only half...
different dads.

- Oh, that makes sense.
- Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

Speak of the devil.

Oh, hey, baby bro.

Hey, Sabrina. Where'd you go?

Well, it occurred to us
that showing up to the club

with you guys would be
the most humiliating experience

of our lives, so we just decided
to leave you behind.

And you know what?
I feel like I was way too hard

on the limo thing earlier.

It is super douchey,
but we're very comfortable.

That's so great. I'm so glad
you like it, Sabrina.

Oh, or should I say "Harriet Tubman"?

What?

Check the ID.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And, girl, it's okay... ♪

(SABRINA GASPS)
Oh...

You son of a bitch.

We'll be outside.

Welcome back, ladies.

Do you have the ID?

I do, but I'm gonna hang onto it
till we hit the club.

You understand.

You guys mind
if I smoke a cigar in here?

SABRINA:
Yes.

JIMMY:
Okay.

MICKEY:
Okay.

All right. What's the plan?

Easy.

We're gonna pee all over these kids.

Um, Mick, I want to be a team player,

but my stream isn't what it used to be.

I'm not talking about you, creep.

Okay, Ben, you ready
to do what you do best?

♪ ♪

♪ I've been b*at up
my whole life ♪

♪ I've been sh*t down,
kicked out twice ♪

♪ Ain't no stoppin' me tonight ♪

♪ I'm-a get all the things
I like ♪

♪ I've been b*at up
my whole life ♪

♪ I've been sh*t down,
kicked out twice ♪

♪ Ain't no stoppin' me tonight ♪

♪ I'm-a get all the things
I like ♪

♪ My... takin' over ♪

♪ Brockhampton, call your mama ♪

Hey, go back to bed, or I'll k*ll you.

♪ Break neck,
send you to the doctor ♪

♪ Best boy band
since One Direction ♪

♪ Makin'... itch
like a skin infection ♪

♪ Did me wrong
like a perfect stepson ♪

♪ Been a wrong,
you can change the song, hun ♪

♪ Who got me riled up? ♪

♪ Who the lame...
want to talk 'bout us? ♪

♪ Ooh, who got me riled up? ♪

♪ Who the lame...
want to talk 'bout us? ♪

♪ Ooh, come get it from me ♪

♪ Uh, come get it from me, uh ♪

♪ Come get it from me,
uh, uh, uh ♪

Shh. Shh.

♪ Break necks,
I'm the chiropractor. ♪

All right, buddy.
Have fun at your sleepover.

We'll be back to pick you up
in about minutes.

Thanks, guys.

You, uh, you-you girls look
really hot tonight.

CHIP:
Listen, sis.

Before we go pop bub in this club,

and I give you this sweet ID,

I'd like to offer you a truce.

(QUIETLY):
Oh, God.

I think we can both admit

that you've grossly underestimated me.

And if tonight has shown us
anything after all these years,

it's that we're finally
on equal footing.

I just want to make sure that
when we roll up in this club,

we're not going
just as brother and sister,

but, you know, as...
as best friends.

Now, will you be my roll dog?

The Maggie to my Jake?

Sure, Chip.

Yeah, sure.

"Chip"? Uh, I'm sorry,
I don't think I know a Chip.

I-I do know a Chaz.

Okay, you know what, Chaz?

We're here, so how about
you just give me my ID?

No problem.

Uh... but first,
can I get a "what, what"?

(QUIETLY):
What, what.

What was that?

- What, what!
- That's my girl.

Let's go party our frickin'
balls off, huh?

♪ Oh, all of a sudden,
you're a bad ... ♪

♪ Just got a fat ass
like it's magic ♪

♪ And now you're trying
to shake it like ratchet ♪

♪ I'm guessing they must
call you "Go, Gadget" ♪

♪ Oh, all of a sudden,
you're a bad ... ♪

♪ Just got a fat ass
like it's magic ♪

♪ And now you're trying
to shake it like ratchet ♪

♪ I'm guessing they must
call you "Go, Gadget" ♪

♪ Whoo... ♪

Dude. Those are our girls.
What are you doing?

Sorry, man.

We're at capacity.

All right, well, we got IDs.

Yeah, they scan and everything.

An adult would never say that.

But those girls are underage, too.

Who cares?

Sorry.

Chaz Pembrose,

I'm afraid you and, uh, Jaden Smith...

You Jaden Smith?

- Yes.
- Oh! Jaden Smith in the building.

I see you, son.
Go ahead, man. Uh...

- I'm his money manager.
- No, you're not.

You know what? That's fine.
I don't need this.

I got my stretch limmy waiting
and everything, so...

No! No, no! Hey!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

I'm not proud
of what happened here tonight,

but we did what we needed to do.

Yeah. Yeah, I've always said,
you got to break the law

to do the right thing.

Yeah, we did that.
We got a couple.

Breaking and entering, larceny.

I don't know
what they tag you with

when you pee all over
a bunch of sleeping kids.

Uh, that's as*ault.

as*ault, right.

Oh, excuse me.

- Oh, it's you.
- Hey.

Troy's mom.
Top of the morning to you.

It's : a.m.
What-what are you doing here?

- Uh...
- Oh, we never left.

Nah, we been tooling around your roof,

and all over your property
pretty much the entire night.

Uh...

(LAUGHING): I'm kidding.
We're here to pick up Ben.

Can you go wake him up
for us, please?

Actually, they're already up,
they... It's weird.

They all wet their beds last night.

- Every single one of them?
- Yeah.

- That's really strange.
- Weird.

What'd you, feed them all soup?
(LAUGHS)

- Aunt Mickey, guess what,
guess what, guess what. - What?

We're all gonna pee
at Aiden's house next weekend.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, they-they were all

pretty upset at first, but then,

Ben insisted they were "pee brothers"?

A-And they seemed to have
really bonded over it, so...

That is terrific.

- Pee brothers. I like that.
- Yeah.

Good job, buddy.

All right, let's go.
What do you say to Troy's mom?

Thanks for letting us pee in your house.

- Oh. You're welcome.
- Good boy.

Hop on in.

- Watch those piggies.
- (CAR DOORS CLOSING)

Such a strange family.

JIMMY: Go back to bed,
or I'll k*ll you.

Hope you enjoyed
kickin' it with The Mick.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

Who's ready for a Fox Sunday Survey?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, I guess.

- Okay.
- Let's do it!

- Are you in love with Bob's Burgers?
- Yes.

- The Simpsons?
- Yes!

- Ghosted?
- Yes!

- Family Guy?
- Yes.

- The Last Man on Earth?
- Yes!

- Potatoes?
- Yes.

- Butter?
- Yes.

- Cream?
- Yes.

- Lamb?
- Yes.

- Chicken broth?
- Yes.

Don't miss the funniest night
on television.

- Lightsaber?
- Not on the menu.

- No way!
- No!

See it all first, Sundays on Fox.