04x05 - Meet n Greet

[bunniefuu]

Mmm. Eyeballs, rats,
bats, vampire teeth.

Boom. Vampire teeth.
Good.

Spiderwebs.
Done.

Fake blood capsules.

They didn't have any.
Really?

That's gross. I love it.

We are throwing a Halloween
party at our house.

It's gonna be
the greatest thing ever.

Someone will die.
Of fun.

And of m*rder.

There's going to be beer, pumpkins...
Bloody goblins.

Fake ones. It's gonna be awesome.
We have decorations.

Dead people that
we just m*rder*d.

Not m*rder*d, but pictures of
dead people from TV or movies.

Mutilated bodies.
But fake ones.

Candy, dancing, tequila.
All kinds of food and snacks.

Blood orphans.
No blood orphans.

I don't know what that is.

I want you on message, and
the message is Leslie Knope.

If you're not
talking about you,

you're talking
about the wrong thing.

I hate talking about myself.

Get over it. I talk about myself constantly.
Everyone loves me for it.

I really am amazing.

When you work in government,
people often suspect

that you're anti-business.

So I'm throwing a little meet
and greet with business owners,

and I've asked
Tom's company to help.

Here's my opening line.
Hi. I'm Leslie Knope,

and I'm in the business
of being City Councilor.

Oh, my God.
I'm not going to use that.

This is your primary target.

President of the Chamber of
Commerce, Martin Kernston.

Oh, yes. From Kernston Rubber Nipples.
The Nipple King.

Photos, bios, likes, dislikes,
prescription medications.

I've heard of Martin Kernston.
I know a little bit about him.

Oh, really? Well, which of his
advisors does he trust more,

Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs?

Well, it depends. Flirtman
is more of a confidant.

I made up both those names.

Okay, I'm on it.

Get at me.

Jean-Ralphio, stop crying.

What? Hold on.
Slow down. Hold on.

Allergic to chestnuts and...

Good haircuts.

It's too tight. Looser. I
feel like we need to inflate it more.

No, I told you. I'm a sumo
wrestler after he lost the weight.

I take it
we're having a party.

Dude, I knew there was something
I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

No, no, no. It's fine.

Why should you guys tell me you
were gonna have an enormous party?

I didn't tell you I was gonna
be quietly working in my room.

- That's a good point.
- Yeah, yeah.

I guess we're even.

If you need me,
I'll definitely be awake,

because I won't be able to
sleep because of the party.

You know? So...

All right.

My family is very
non-confrontational.

My parents' method
of problem solving is

to kind of keep
everything bottled up

and just subtly hint
at what's bothering them.

And after 36 years,
they are still divorced.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tom, this is not
what I pictured at all.

This looks like a party
for Entertainment 720.

Is Entertainment 720
running for office?

It's a small business.

You're trying to
show people you have

a good relationship
with small businesses.

Now the party?
That's all about you, boo.

Okay. Then shouldn't my face
be on these rugs?

I'm sorry, no.

It's always been a dream of mine to
be a rug, and it's finally happened.

Tom, now is not
the time for you

to explore your
weird dreams, okay?

I want all of this gone.
All of it.

Except that cake. Keep that cake here.
Just scrape off the words.

Donna? Blue shirt,
badge, night stick.

You are a policewoman.

Yep. You're a regular...

Sherlock Holmes. I solved
that mystery before you did.

Okay, this was fun.

Andy, you are U.F.C. legend, Chuck Liddell.
That's right.

Girl from The Ring.

To me, Sherlock
Holmes is literally

the greatest character
in the Western canon.

Smart, intuitive, handsome.

Replace his pasty
British frailty

with superhuman physical
fitness, and you get...

Sherlock Traeger.

Mr. Potato Head.
That's right.

Hey, where's my lovely daughter tonight?
She's at home.

I knew that
you would be here,

and I was worried
that you might be

concerned seeing us
together at night.

You're a very
thoughtful guy,

but really,
I have no problem

with the two of you
dating, really.

I mean, look at you. You're
just, you know, beautiful.

You're beautiful. On the inside
where your spirit lives.

Listen. Tell her, "Come to the
party," and I don't mind at all.

Oh, good. I'll text her.

Okay. You can text
without looking at your phone?

I think it's rude
not to maintain eye contact

with the people that I'm talking to.

That's from me.

Wow! That's amazing!

High five.
Wow.

Hey. Ron. Good to see you.

Weren't you
a pirate last year?

Yes. This is my
Halloween costume.

Andrew, are you aware that your
bathroom faucet is leaking?

Are you kidding me? I just
stuffed a sock in it yesterday.

What else
do they want me to do?

There's an exposed wire
above the bathtub as well.

Oh, yeah. Shock wire.

I call it that, 'cause if you take
a shower, and you touch the wire,

YOU die!

Yes, that is accurate.

Do you have a tool box?
Yeah.

No home is complete
without a proper toolbox.

Here's April and Andy's.

A hammer, half of a pretzel,

baseball card, some cartridge
that says Sonic and Hedgehog,

a scissor half,
and a flashlight.

Filled with jelly beans.

Although I have not worked
with you professionally,

as a private citizen,

I have personally patronized

each and every one
of your establishments.

I've never seen you buy a
salad at Sue's Salads.

That's because
I don't hate myself, Tania.

I'm sorry. I know I should
be chasing your vote,

but I stand
behind my decision

to avoid salad
and other disgusting things.

And I think I have a lot of support
in the community for that.

Despite the fact that this seems
like a party for Tom's face,

uh, I think
it's going pretty well.

When in doubt,
in Pawnee, slam salad.

I'm just especially thankful that
you could come, Mr. President.

Martin.
Martin.

You were responsible for
the Harvest Festival, right?

No. Yes. Well, it was a team effort.
I barely did anything.

I held them back, actually.
They succeeded despite me.

I'm sorry. I worked very hard
on that event. I'm just...

Bureaucrats aren't used to bragging
about themselves.

Tom, come over here and
talk about how great I am.

Martin! Tom Haverford
I threw this shindig.

Yes. Tom, tell Martin how hard I
worked on the Harvest Festival.

It was incredible.

A lot of people say
the Harvest Festival

is what launched
Entertainment 720.

No one says that.
I just said it.

My company,
Entertainment 720,

has an amazing business
opportunity for Kernston's.

Mind if I steal you away a few
seconds, give you the 'tails?

The 'tails?
The details.

Most people would probably say
the deets I say the 'tails.

Just one example
of innovation.

Look, I don't like to throw around
the word butt-head too often.

If you call
everybody a butt-head,

then it kind of
loses its impact.

But I can say
without hesitation

that Tom is
being a real d*ck.

Hey. You stole the Nipple King.
Thanks a lot, traitor.

I'm sorry. I just needed to
ask him about this one thing.

But we're all good now. What if I
just introduce you for your speech?

I have a better idea. Why don't
you go over to one of your rugs

and sit on your own face? I
don't need your help anymore.

Hi, there. ls there a
project you're working on?

I know more than you.
All right.

When April
and Andy married,

I didn't get them
a wedding present.

In my experience, wedding
presents are nothing more

than kindling on
the divorce bonfire.

But I think I found a way I can
really help them make a home.

You, bean bag,
come with me.

I'm an eggplant.

I don't care. Come with me. Why?

I need small hands.

I'm scared.

Look who decided to join the party.
Bro, that's awesome!

Where's your costume?

Honey, he's wearing a costume.
He's going as lame.

That's a pretty
good costume, actually.

But I think the Batman costume is way better.
You should go wear that.

Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna put on a costume,

because I'm not really attending
this party that's at my house.

Hey, listen, if you're mad about
something you should just...

No. I'm not.
I'm not mad.

Really? Listen,
I feel like you are mad.

So maybe you should
just talk to us about it.

My name's Ben. I'm mad.

All right. That was great.
Thank you. So soft.

Soft lips
Thanks for that.

Your fingers are salty.
I'm going to finish my work.

Orin, no! No! Stay out!

Pawnee has suffered
through a tough economy

and what has kept our town alive
is you, the small businessman.

And I'm not referring
to your stature, Gary.

You are a giant
in this community.

So many businesses
represented here today.

Food and Stuff, J.J.'s Diner,

Glennmore Discount Cemetery,
Tramp Stamp Tattoos,

Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough
Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium.

Who else? Sue's Salads.

Ooh!

Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes,
Geoff's Savings and Loan...

And Entertainment 720.

Thank you so much for that
amazing intro, Leslie.

Hi, folks.
My name is Tom Haverford,

and I am here to
tell you a little bit

about Pawnee's
premiere entertainment

and mufti-media
conglomerate...

Entertainment 720 Where
dreams come, they come true

How about we watch
this brief promotional film?

What?

Entertainment 720 has been a fixture
of this community since June.

Tom, listen to me. Turn that off
or give me the remote right now.

It's short. Can you
let it play, please?

You're lucky that
Martin Kernston is here,

'cause you're gonna
need another nipple.

Why?

There. I think I got it.
Yep, you got it.

Can you at least
tell me what you're doing?

I'm a homeowner. I would like
to actually learn something.

Yeah, I'm tightening the valve
stem into the valve shank.

I'm replacing the handle, and
then tightening the set screw,

which will hold it
in place. Now...

Oh, my God. We made it work.

It's a good feeling. Sense
of accomplishment and pride.

Damn it,
I just love it so much.

Are you okay?
Great.

I'm going to go
around this house

and fix everything I can
find that needs fixing.

You want to help?
I really do.

Good. That's next.

I can't reveal my identity because
of various corporate enemies.

But suffice it to say I run a fairly
popular social networking site

And let's face it,

booking E 720 was the smartest
decision I ever made.

I hope you liked this story.

I invented Facebook.

Wow. Okay. Um...

I know that video seemed like
the rantings of a lunatic

pretending to be
Mark Zuckerberg.

That's who that was?
No.

That is impressive.

We're not gonna waste
any more of your time.

Agreed.
Let's get right to it.

Please welcome the
E 720 Mailing List Divas!

I want all y'all to write down
the name and direct phone line

for whoever is in charge of
hiring independent contractors

for your business!

Now, come join me and
let's all take a dip in

the E 720 Mobile Hot Tub!

It's parked right outside.
Let's go!

Hey, Ben.
Hey.

I thought you weren't
coming to the party.

Well, I'm just
having a Butterfinger.

Oh, really?
Is that okay?

No. If you're not part of the
party, you can't have the candy.

Back up.
All right.

Back up.
Okay.

I have one sister.
We steal each other's stuff,

hack each other's
Twitter accounts,

set each other's
clothes on fire.

There are no rules.

We need to deal with
what's bothering you.

Oh, please,
come into my room.

See, you're angry at me, and
you're not talking about it.

And I'm going to b*at you up until
you do, because I'm mature.

What are you... Stop it.

I grew up with five brothers, and
we fought using the Dwyer method,

which was yelling,
wrestling, crying

followed by lots of hugs.

And then more wrestling,
but the fun kind.

And then crying when the fun kind
of wrestling got out of hand.

Can you let me go? Not until
you tell me what's wrong.

Mr. President,
I just want to apologize

for the actions of
that little weasel.

Leslie, I'm a frugal man. I don't
like extravagance or showmanship.

That's why
I cut my own hair.

And it's what's made me
a successful businessman.

So if Entertainment 720 is the
kind of business you trust,

I'm afraid you and I
don't share the same values.

There you are,
you little bastard.

Get out of there
right now.

Leslie, can you do me a favor
and just let me sit here?

Tom, get out of your stupid
limousine hot tub right now,

or we are
no longer friends.

I'm not getting out.

Fine. Then I'm getting in.

Listen to me.

You know what you are?
Get away from me!

You're such a little
selfish punk, okay?

Just because
you want something

doesn't mean that
everybody has to bow to...

Listen to me. You didn't even
let me have my one night.

Look at me. I don't
want to see your face.

Look at me. I don't
want to see your face.

I've been looking
at your face all night. God!

I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you?

My company
is bankrupt, okay?

Entertainment 720 is dead.

Oh, man.

Excuse us!

Nice form, son.

Make sure you keep a firm
pressure on the cranium.

On the cranium?

Listen up. I have to turn off
the power for one minute.

We're going to go dark, people.
Bear with us, okay?

We've got to switch
off the main fuse hose.

It's just a fuse. It's just
a fuse, people Just a fuse.

Well, maybe we should
get out of this hot tub.

I'm too sad to get out,
and I'm all pruney.

What happened?
I don't know.

I guess I just didn't
moisturize enough this morning,

and I've been laying around here...
With the company, Tom.

We're hemorrhaging cash
ever since we opened.

They say you've got to
spend money to make money.

Well, I don't know where we went wrong.
We spent all of our money.

Okay.
You know what you need?

Some good old-fashioned
comfort food.

Where we gonna
get albacore tuna

with crispy onions
at this hour?

Come on.

I'd say you've got the handle
on that torque wrench.

Yeah, well, the flange
was a little warped,

so I just goosed it with a
triple-three bolt smack.

That was nonsense.

I know, but it's so fun
to talk like that.

You know what? Keep this.

You earned it.

Thanks, Ron.

I need to get more chips.
Great.

Let's go.

Come on. Walk.
No.

This is a pacifist protest. Had enough?
You need to let go of me.

Yeah! Get it! That's good.
Here we go. No. No.

Let go of me!
He's got his back!

Come on! Fight me!
No. No. No.

Oh!

Nice! Yeah! Oh, my God.
Andy, I am so sorry.

Psych! Blood capsules.

Oh!

What?
Yeah!

I wanted to shock you
into expressing your anger.

And that way...
My nose is broken.

Oh, my God. I've got
to go to the hospital.

Oh, my God.
Didn't it feel good?

Come here.
Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, I thought you guys
were doing great.

I remember trying
to hire you once,

and you said
you were all booked up.

That was a business tactic
For the first two weeks,

we told everyone we were booked
solid to make people want us more.

Oh, no. That's the stupidest
idea I've ever heard.

Well, hindsight is 20/20.

Kind of seems like
regular sight

should have
caught that one.

Also, your logo, it's the
worst logo I've ever seen.

It doesn't make any sense.
It's gibberish.

We made some mistakes.

Tonight was my last chance to land
a big client, and I failed again.

God, it's so embarrassing.

Hey, Tom. You're a smart guy
and charming occasionally.

You're going to have
a lot more good ideas.

Thanks.

I'm sorry I screwed up
your campaign thing.

I really wanted
to do a good job.

I made you this
amazing video biography.

Of my life?
It's back at the office.

Well, let's eat and go.

Didn't I ask for whipped
cream on this? Ma'am?

Oh. Does it hurt?

Yeah. You broke my nose, so...
I'm sorry.

But I don't even care. Just get
it all out there, man. Go.

All right. Maybe you
have to start thinking

about how your
actions affect me.

Like, tell me about stuff
happening in the house.

Stop referring to my
bedroom as a common space.

Stop using my comforter
for your pillow forts.

Just respect me.

Absolutely.
Really?

Yep. And in return,
I'll only ask for one thing,

which is for you to pay
for studio recording time

for my band
to do our new album.

It's going to be about
5,600 bucks. Deal?

That's not
going to happen.

Here's something for
the pain and some ice packs.

You his friend?
Him?

Hell, no.

We're brothers.

- Excuse me. Hey.
- Hi.

We should go.
I'm blocking an ambulance.

Ew. If your nose
is all weird after this,

I'm totally
going to divorce you.

Whatever. I'm going
to divorce you first

for wearing my
favorite hoodie.

Is everything cool?

Yeah. It is.
Let's go.

We just can't use Ben's comforters
anymore for our pillow forts.

What are we
going to have sex on?

The year was 1975.

It was a time of trouble.

- Watergate.
- Well, I'm not a crook.

Vietnam,
Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.

But then a ray of hope

Leslie Barbara Knope was
born on January 18th, 1975,

and she has been a loyal patron
of its businesses ever since.

Tom Haverford is a selfish,
unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting,

good-hearted, secretly kind and
wonderful, tiny little person.

He went to Kernston's office and basically
begged him to meet with me again.

I think he technically
might have bribed him.

But hey, you know,
whatever works.

It was Mary Pickford
who once said,

"This thing we call failure
is not the falling down,

"but the staying down."

Tom won't be down for long.

Her name is Leslie Knope,
and I'm going to vote for her.

And if Li'! Sebastian were still
alive, he'd surely vote for her.

And I reckon you should too.

Did you like it? It's pretty great, right?
I worked really hard on it.

Yeah. I loved it.

I'm going to watch it every
day for the rest of my life.

And when I die, I'm going to
project it on my tombstone.

I had an amazing
time at that party.

And in the case of the woman
who's stolen my heart,

the culprit was
Millicent Gergich.

You should look into
actual detective work.

I will. And, Jerry, I've decided
to take your daughter home.

And we may be
having intercourse.

Please, you've got to stop
saying things like that to me.

You got it, man.
Bye, Dad.

Everything okay?
I can't find my car keys.

Solve this mystery, genius.