04x07 - The Treaty

[bunniefuu]

Oh hey, Ben.

Have you seen my complete collection of all

193 national flags?

Ooh! Here they are.

Wow!

So, I've been asked to run this year's Model UN

at Pawnee Central High School.

Attendance has been low.

And if I don't make it awesome, they may cancel it.

I wonder if I'm gonna make it awesome.

...Or I can be South Korea, you can be Bangladesh.

You can form like a Trans-Asiatic alliance.

Yeah, I like it. And I see the merits of it.

I just worry if we're both in Asia,

- it might limit our scope. - Mm.

I kinda want to roll up my sleeves

and make geopolitical problem-solving my bitch.

Amen, brother.

Let's go back to plan "A." I'll be Denmark, you be Peru.

Yes!

Oh, I didn't really do

Model United Nations in high school, so...

Oh, wait. I super-did.

I need a few more volunteers.

Andy, will you be Iceland?

The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?

- Don't think so. - Okay, how about Japan?

The bad guys from Karate Kid 2?

Even worse. How 'bout Germany?

They've never been the bad guys.

Why don't you be Finland?

- Okay. - Okay?

And I'll be the Moon.

No, you're gonna be South Africa or...

- Pakistan. - I'm the Moon, or I quit.

- April. - Moon or quit, man.

Fine. You be South Africa,

and you can also secretly run the moon.

The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.

Ron! You wanna join us?

Look! I'll let you be America.

I'd rather sand down my toenails.

Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails.

They're too strong for clippers.

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope? Oh, what am I talking about?

- Of course you are. - Bonjour, Madame Ambassadeur.

Thank you so much for coming

and trying to help save our club.

We're so excited to see

a true Pawnee Model U.N. legend in action.

- Thank you. - I really wouldn't describe myself

as a Model U.N. legend.

I'd go with icon. Or hero.

Look, if you ask me, Enron is down but not out.

Who doesn't like a comeback story?

All right, you wanna hear my plan, get at me later.

I gotta meet up with an old friend.

All right, peace, man.

Let's go do this lunch thing.

I just have one more quick interview.

I'm still trying to find your replacement.

That is, unless you want your old job back.

I told you before, Ronseph, I moved on to bigger things.

E720 going under was a blessing.

I'm tearing it up all over town like a boss.

Sounds great, Tommy.

I've offered Tom his job back several times,

and each time he's told me he's just too busy

being an entrepreneur.

Then two days ago,

I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's.

The young man has a lot of pride.

This isn't gonna be easy.

Ann Perkins.

- Hey, Chris, how's it going? - Not good.

- Can I talk to you? - Okay.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

but I am romantically involved

with Jerry Gergich's surprisingly hot daughter

- Millicent Gergich. - Yeah.

You were grinding with her pretty hard

at April's Halloween party.

That's correct. Anyway, we've been on four dates,

but now Millicent Gergich

hasn't returned my last two phone calls.

I think the relationship may be in trouble,

and I don't know why.

Wow. A four-date-long relationship

might not be 100% perfect?

I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.

The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann.

I am going to launch a full-scale investigation.

And I sincerely thank you for that suggestion.

Glad I could help in these trying times.

Sarcasm again!

You're a delight.

You've all been preparing for months

for this year's geopolitical scenario...

global food crisis.

Security Council, we need you to lead us,

or billions of people will starve to death.

But most importantly, have fun.

Due to my campaign,

the romantic aspect of our relationship is over.

And I'm totally fine with that.

But Ben and I have so much in common.

I mean, we're amazing friends.

And friendship is better

because friends help you move.

They drive you to the airport.

Boyfriends just... love you and marry you.

Jerry! I am launching a full-scale investigation

into my romantic relationship with your daughter

Millicent Gergich,

and I thought I could pick your brain.

Aw, jeez, I really shouldn't be involved in someth...

Quick recap... things were going wonderfully.

We clicked on an emotional level.

And then suddenly, I just stopped hearing from her.

Now, you must know her pretty well... what gives?

Here's what I saw go down.

Donna! Yeah! Get in on this.

You're too accessible.

Every time she calls, you answer.

You gotta dangle the carrot,

literally and metaphorically.

- Thank you, Donna! - Thanks, Donna.

So...Courtney.

This says you retired in 1968.

No, no, no.

I was fired because I made a pass at an ethnic woman.

And what have you been doing for the last 43 years?

Oh, you know, hitchhiking around.

I went to Mexico. I met a lot of ethnic girls.

They grow on trees down there.

I was in jail for a spell...

That about brings it up to date.

Sounds to me like you're ready

to get back in the game, Courtney.

We'll be in touch.

Another very strong candidate.

Are you insane?

He was a million-year-old r*cist!

He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.

I'm sorry, Ron, but I created a legacy here,

and I need to make sure it's protected.

Let's bring in some more people.

In my four years here,

I revolutionized the position of administrator

and made this place cool.

I was the first person

to abbreviate Parks and Recreation Department.

First it was Parks and Recreation.

Then Parks and Rec.

Then P&R.

Then lengthened it just a little bit to...

Tommy's place.

Okay, wait a minute. I think I have it.

What if we dropped interest rates.

- Would that help you? - Maybe.

But what if Brazil and Argentina

use their oil deposits as collateral?

Oh, that's really good.

Under-exaggerate much, France?

Ha ha!

Nice!

Hey, Leslie, you ready?

- Oh! - Ow. - Sorry. - That's okay.

- Hi, William. - Hi. You ready?

Yes. Absolutely. Um...They want me to do a photo op

for the campaign

so I can bolster my education credentials.

- Can we just press pause here? - How long is it gonna take?

I'm not really sure.

Can you just tread water until I'm ready?

Oh, sure, yeah.

I'll just tread water until you're ready.

Thanks, buddy.

Leslie and I aren't dating anymore,

but, uh, we're friends.

So it's fun. It's just fun.

It's fun... it's... fun...

It is fun.

Thanks a lot.

Yes!

Honey! I just traded Finland's m*llitary to Kenya

for 50 lions.

That's pretty good, right?

- Yeah... - Okay.

But also militaries are pretty good

at protecting countries.

But so are lions.

And you don't have to pay them.

These kids are idiots.

I've just traded all of Finland's boring stuff

for every other country's lions?

I definitely have more lions

than any other country in the whole world right now.

I have no idea what's going on.

But if that ends up meaning something in this game,

I'd say I'm set.

Hey, so Russia and China

are about to propose their own plan,

so the kids kinda want to get ours out there.

Oh, okay... this should probably only take five more minutes.

Let's say 10 or 15 to be safe.

Well, how about me make it a cool 40?

I'm sorry. It's just important.

Well, this is important too. It's kinda why we came here.

I'm sorry, could you... Just step over here?

- You're in the sh*t. - Oh, of course.

Her life is so awesome.

You're lucky you're friends with her.

Shut up, Bulgaria!

I know, well, that's the great thing about treaties,

- It doesn't even matter. - Hey! I'm back.

Or, as they say in Denmark... "I'm back."

Most people speak English.

So are you guys ready to polish off this treaty?

Oh, uh... actually, I merged our treaty

with Russia and China's treaty.

I got cut out of my own treaty?

Yeah. I got sick of treading water,

so I swam over to Asia, made a deal.

The nation of Denmark would like to formerly request

a summit with the nation of Peru

over there by the refreshment table.

Because the nation of Denmark needs a juice box.

I am shocked an appalled by the actions

of the honorable delegate from Peru.

Leslie, just...

look...

I thought I could handle being friends with you.

But I can't, okay?

Now, we agreed the other night

that we can't spend time together.

I think that was the right call.

But that was in a romantic way.

We can still spend time together as friends.

It doesn't work that way.

You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship

into discrete parts

and select the ones you want like a buffet.

- Why not? - Because it's selfish.

Stop being obtuse.

Look, I understand where he's coming from.

But I have been nothing but straightforward with him,

and if anyone in the entire world

should understand the difficult position I'm in, it's...

It's just I've made an effort

and I've shared my flags with him,

and suddenly, he doesn't want to be friends?

You know what?

That leaves me with only one option.

Just excuse me for a...

Attention. This is an urgent world matter.

Due to a recent betrayal, my homeland,

the great state of Denmark,

has officially decided to declare w*r on Peru.

Scandinavian brothers, on my signal.

Unleash hell!

See, I just don't believe in this whole

don't let people know how you feel nonsense.

I love telling people how I feel.

Mostly because I love most people.

And I love telling them that I love them.

You didn't tell that girl you love her, did you?

- No. I'm not crazy. - What is this urgent meeting

with Donna and Jerry?

Ann Perkins. I took your advice.

- My sarcastic advice. - Precisely.

And we're getting to the bottom

of what's going on with me and Jerry's daughter,

and I thought you would be a tremendous addition

to this think t*nk.

This is incredibly inappropriate.

- Oh, thank you! - Okay, I'm game.

No. I'm not kidding.

My name's Gary, and I'm from Gary, Indiana.

Amazing.

People like hearing that.

It's probably one of my stronger anecdotes.

A fact is not an anecdote, Gary.

Here's an anecdote...

Today I met the most boring man in the world.

His name was Gary.

Hmm.

Now...

Keith.

Under sex, you wrote...

"Yes. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha."

- Well-played. - Thank you.

Ah, but all jokes aside.

I'm a boy.

Keith, I had this job for four years.

And I can tell you, you get out of it what you put into it.

What are you hoping to get out of it?

In like a month or so.

- What? - Oh...What!

What am I hoping to get out of this job?

Yeah.

Yeah. Like one... one month of money...

Would be... would be just right.

Let me give you a situation.

You're hosting a town hall meeting for local businesses.

Uh... That's so much stuff.

You just, uh... kept on going.

That was like one thing.

I didn't even get to the situation yet.

Oh! All right.

Well, thanks, guys.

I think we've all seen enough.

Still not totally sure what I'm applying for.

But...if you ask me, I think it went pretty well.

What we need to focus on is how to destroy Peru,

specifically one person who lives there.

Madame Ambassador, are you changing the scenario?

We didn't prepare for this.

Global politics can change, and scenarios can arise

and suddenly you're just like, "wait, I thought this one thing,

"but look over there. That's a different thing,

and it's changing everything," and I'm like, "what?"

Hold up." Who has tanks for me?

I-I'm sorry, but...

We're gonna keep trying to solve the food crisis.

Food schmood. This is w*r.

God, it's time for you to nut up, Switzerland.

Well, well, well, look who is brave enough

to show his face in Europe.

Say the word, Leslie.

I'll sick my army of lions on him.

Okay, look, I think, um...

Things are starting to get a little out of control here.

I agree. You betrayed me,

and you went behind my back, and now you need to pay.

I need to... I need to pay.

Do I stutter?

Oh. Okay. Fair enough.

Oh, you know what? You might wanna borrow this.

Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Ben.

It's not dirty underwear. It's a white flag,

and you may as well start waving it right now...

the only thing I will be waving

is your decapitated head on a stick

in front of your weeping mother!

Good lord.

They were duds, Ron.

Really, anything would be better

than the people we interviewed today.

I guess you're right, Tom.

I'm not gonna find another you.

You were perfect.

Competent enough to keep the bosses off my back,

but selfish enough to slow down all the work.

Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees.

If they did, I'd sell 'em.

Tommy trees.

Would you consider coming back?

Sorry, Ron. No can do.

I'm like a shark. I don't swim backwards.

See ya later, man.

We've been making great strides

with genetically modified crops

and would gladly pledge to continue the growth of...

excuse me, Madame Ambassador.

- Excuse me. - I'm not finished.

Oh, really?

Then why do I have the microphone?

I move that the Security Council formally condemn Denmark

and stop them from making

any more unwarranted acts of aggression.

As long as you quit derailing the conference.

People are dying of hunger in Africa.

Oh, cry me a river.

All in favor of the resolution.

- What?! - Oh, that's interesting.

The resolution passes with flying colors.

Denmark is formally condemned.

Bam!

That's no problemo, Peru,

because Denmark no longer recognizes the authority

of this international g*ng of thugs.

And history will be unkind to those

who stand opposed to justice.

Together, we stand... and I ask all of you...

who is ready to join the Coalition of the Willing?

The Moon shall join your coalition.

Yeah! We got the freaking moon.

What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?

Okay. We need to stop dealing in hypotheticals.

Ann, we dated. What happened to us?

Really? Do you... wanna get real?

Sure. Sounds like fun.

Sometimes your relentless cheeriness is confusing.

Like that time we went to Eagleton

and we got that hotel room with the jacuzzi...

Ooh, this just got real good!

And the jacuzzi broke.

But I did... eat food off of your body.

- Oh, come on. - All right, Chris and Ann!

I just wanna go back to work.

So the Coalition of the Willing

is Denmark, Botswana, and the Moon.

The big three.

Now, here's what we're gonna do.

Ben is probably shoring up his support in South America.

While he does that, we are gonna make sure...

Attention!

The Security Council has decided to expel

Peru and Denmark from the United Nations.

Madame Ambassadeur... Pourquoi?

'Cause you guys suck. Look around.

We thought you were gonna teach us how to solve problems.

You've ruined my favorite club. Thanks a lot.

Did we win?

I think we won!

What were we trying to do? I learned so much today.

I just wanted to say

that I thought it was really cool

how everything fell apart in there.

And also, maybe you should talk to Ben.

No. He's being a jerk.

Please? When Ben gets upset,

he becomes a really bad roommate.

He takes really long sadness baths

and makes me late for stuff.

I hate it here.

Can't wait to graduate.

Yeah, but summer's gonna totally kick ass.

So you're saying

that I intimidated you?

- No. Not exactly. - Come on.

Talk more about that tantric workshop y'all went to.

I was so into you, okay,

and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself,

and then you got bored dating me

because you were dating yourself.

Huh...

I mean, I was jogging. I hate jogging.

- Jogging's amazing! - Jogging is the worst, Chris.

I mean, I know it keeps you healthy,

but God, at what cost?

Well, I'm sorry that I added five years to your life.

Now I'm being sarcastic.

Like you. I'm doing something that you like.

Being with you

definitely made me do a lot of soul-searching,

and I came out the other side

being a much more self-possessed person.

Well, I'm glad.

Good luck with Millicent. Just back off a little bit.

Let her be herself. Everything'll be fine.

Thank you.

If you rearrange the letters of Peru,

you could spell Europe.

That's... That's not true.

Well... You have to rearrange them.

- Oh... - Delegates!

I know that you're angry with each other.

Hopefully, this will be your opportunity

to have your very own Camp David.

In high school,

my buddy David Fundis would have

these campouts in his backyard.

We would just chill out, have a bonfire,

talk about whatever was on our mind.

We called it camp David.

How do you know about Camp David?

How do you know about camp David?

Ooookay.

You guys are being stupid, so why don't you work it out

- while Andy and I... - Throw these scientist bottles

- off the roof? - No.

That's right. See ya.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

It's bad enough that we can't be together,

but the thought of us not being friends is...

Is just too crappy for me to handle.

I was... perhaps

a little icier than I needed to be.

I just need you to be in my life.

You're too important to me.

I wish I could say it's possible.

I just... I don't know if it is right now.

Well, I propose a treaty

that states that we have a fun conversation

once a day at work for five minutes.

I'll take it to the Peruvian senate.

Or whatever.

- Please do that. - I'll try.

I'll see what they say.

What do we do with those kids?

We totally ruined their club.

I could tell you what I would like when I was their age.

Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland

to do naked aerobics for them?

Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.

Hey.

Oh, hey, Ron.

All right. I gotta come clean.

I saw you spraying cologne samples at Macy's.

What? Macy's? That wasn't me.

There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town?

I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.

Just take the job, Tommy. Come on back.

I quit to peruse my dream.

And my dream collapsed. It's embarrassing, Ron.

I can't go from a CEO back to being an administrator.

Is there anything I can do

to make you feel okay about coming back?

Everyone, please...

Help me.

I'm trying to get Tom back.

I'm...

begging.

This department just doesn't work without you.

What do you say?

Ron, this is embarrassing. Even for you.

I'm not coming back.

Peace out, my dudes.

Excuse me, everyone.

That was great.

So what I'm thinking is I'll come back in a few days,

you'll beg me again...

aah!

So if it's okay with you guys,

I would like to ask Ron for my job back.

Ron...

May I have my job back, please?

Thank you.

I will see you all Monday.

Looking forward to it.

Ah, France,

bienvenue.

My name is Cassidy,

- and I'm really annoyed with you. - Yes.

And you have every right to be,

but we're hoping what we're gonna show you right now

will make up for that.

- What? - Oh, my God!

Pawnee City Council chambers.

The nicest room in City Hall by a factor of like a million.

Go ahead. Sit down.

Leslie and I feel terrible

for w*r breaking out at your Model U.N.

Which, for the record, Denmark would have won,

but that's neither here nor there.

Thanks to a coordinated effort

between the parks department and the city manager's office,

three months from now, we are gonna hold

a State-wide Model U.N. In this room,

- and you're gonna run the show. - What?

And we will just be... not here.

- Or taking some small countries. - No, no, no, no.

No. Fine. Not here.

- Sound good? - Yes!

Those kids are passionate about something.

That's important.

That's all there is, really, is passion.

Passion is what makes for good treaties...

- Cheese! - Good relationships...

Good pizza.

Good friends.

Good everything.

Including wars.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

"He was gone but never forgotten."

"He makes all the ladies want..."

No, I'm not gonna say that.

"Swagger... beats...

and I get the... Who's the..."

All right, forget it.

Welcome back, Tom Haverford!

Tick-tock, it's Tommy time!

I'm sorry, I have to object again.

This just seems unfair. I understand that, Jerry.

But the problem is is that Tom came back

and Andy's my assistant, so I kinda need him close to me.

Okay, but I can't even hear anything

because of the noise from the copier.

Sorry. These are really important.