04x08 - Smallest Park

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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04x08 - Smallest Park

Post by bunniefuu »

Tom!

I would like you to redesign
our Parks department logo.

Sounds cool so far.

Rethink our visual brand,
take these words,

and make
something amazing.

So you're saying you want me
to choose a new font?

Yes, essentially I'd like
you to choose a new font.

Jerry, I am making you
my number-two guy

on the new font project.

Come on, that's too close.
Let's make him a number-three.

Fair enough.
Jerry, you're number three.

There's only two of us.

He has been
in this department a long time.

I think maybe you could
learn somethg from him.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Our research shows
that our park

will draw
5,000 visitors a year,

and I want this to be
the most amazing, awe-inspiring,

fun-filled park
ever conceived.

Now how big
is the park, exactly?

It is .000003

square miles.

Recently, the last remaining
telephone booths

in Pawnee were torn down,

and on that
patch of concrete,

I am creating Pawnee's
newest tourist attraction$$$

The smallest park
in Indiana.

The title
is currently held

by Martin Luther King, Jr. Park
in Terryville,

but guess what?

Terryville sucks old car tires,
and so does Martin Luther--

No, he does not
suck old car tires.

He was one of
the greatest men in history.

I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get competitive.

Has there been any resistance
from the community?

No, not at all.

It's so small
we don't even need to do

an environmental impact report.

It's inexpensive,
it benefits the town,

it's a total slam dunk.

You two, when you work
on a project together,

are simply amazing.

Great job, team.

Man, all these classes
look amazing.

I can't choose.

They do this thing
called a "shopping period,"

where you can just sample
as many classes as you want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sports and Society.

Physical Science.

A crash course?

Yeah, but it's not
what you think.

Oh.

I did not graduate college,
because I did not "attend" it,

but I'm trying
to improve myself,

so I'm gonna start
by taking just one class.

If you're gonna
take a college course,

Andrew, you should
explore a new subject.

- Broaden your horizons.
- Yup.

Horizons are dumb.
Never broaden your horizons.

Yup.

Just take something you're
great at and get an easy "A".

No offense, Ron, but April's
way sounds way easier.

Guitar for beginners.

I value a good education,

so I don't want
to see Andy

waste his time in college.

Of all my coworkers,
he is one of a small number

whom I do not
actively root against.

Ugh, there I go
getting all sappy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I have about nine things
I need to talk to you about.

The first is
the ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Do you know who's
bringing scissors?

Because I cannot tell you
how many ceremonies get derailed

when people don't
bring scissors.

- Number two--
- Right. Um, listen.

I'm actually
glad you're here.

Oh, yeah?

After
this project finishes,

I'm gonna focus
on other departments

and cut down my time
with Parks and Rec.

What?

Well, look, I mean,
we tried hanging out together,

we tried working together,
and it just...

Bums me out.

No, no, no. We're just
working out the kinks.

You don't need
to decrease your time with me.

In fact, you need
to increase your time with me.

You need to spend
more time with me.

That make sense?
I think it does.

No, Leslie,
no, listen to me.

After The Smallest Park
wraps up,

I am going to ask Chris

to take over
all Parks and Rec business.

Okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

Well,
if you'll excuse me,

I need to ascertain
the whereabouts

of some oversized
ceremonial scissors.

I--

Those are
my pens and pencils.

No, see, I think that
Comic Sans always screams "fun."

Right?

But, man,
those "r"s in Helvetica,

they're just, you know, like,
really popping for me.

I've never been more bored
in my entire life.

Who cares about letters?

The only good font
is the Sopranos one,

where the "r" is a p*stol.

Let's think bigger,
people, come on.

What about
a top-to-bottom makeover

for the entire department?

I'm talking new uniforms,
new signage, new color scheme.

A whole, new, sexy vibe.

I don't know.

This really isn't what Chris
asked us to do.

You know, maybe we should just
stick to the assignment.

Cool, Jerry.

I'd take your advice
if I wanted to be

a dead-eyed government drone
with no ambition.

Yes, technically my new job
is my old job,

but I'm not some boring,
Jerry Gergich-type guy.

I'm more of a Steve Harvey.

I dream big, I shake things up,
and I always wear dope suits.

Okay, can anyone tell me
what this is called?

- Uh, that's a fret.
- Yeah.

And that little thing
you got right there--

that's called a capo.
Changes the key.

Uh, maybe you should be
in the advanced class?

Yeah, maybe I should.

Dude, dumb it down.

But I couldn't possibly,
because I'm just a beginner.

I barely haven't even
ever seen a "gortar."

Okay.

We will be working on basic
chords for the first four weeks.

Oh, my God.
Four weeks.

I'm already bored.

Of course you are.
You're not challenging yourself.

I suggest we sample
a few more classes.

Fine.

Very good.

Good-bye, everybody.
Guess what.

I was secretly an undercover
rock star this whole time.

For what it's worth,

I think you would make
an incredible brunette.

Ron Swanson.

I mean,
he's not even attending

the ribbon-cutting ceremony
of a park that we made together.

I'm sorry, Leslie.

I'm just freaking out.

The only thing
we have left is work.

And now he doesn't want
to work together anymore?

What does that all mean?

I think you know what it means.

Yeah.

I should just drag out
that tiny park project

for as long as possible

so Ben and I can
keep working together.

That's almost exactly
the opposite of what I meant.

No, what I'll do is I'll get
the neighborhood all riled up,

and then maybe they'll ask for
an environmental impact report--

and then Ben and I
will work together

for at least another year.

- Leslie, for God's sakes.
- Good idea, Ann.

No, Ann, please,
I beg of you.

Will you just shut
your beautiful pie hole?

Just sit there,
let me stare at you

while you silently support me
on this game plan.

- Leslie--
- Shh--

- Ann...
- Leslie...

Your quiet support
means the world to me.

As well as your tacit
endorsement of all my behaviors.

As a mature,
reasonable adult,

I understand that
this will be the last project

that Ben and I
are working on together.

So please join us
for the grand opening

of Pawnee's Smallest Park
on November 12th, 2070.

Thank you for coming
to this very important

and what I suspect
will be lengthy, meeting.

The proposed park
is very small,

but we believe we need
to investigate every detail.

So if anyone
has any questions for me

or assistant city manager
Ben Wyatt, go right ahead.

Hi, I have a question
about this project.

Whoa, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's the fire?

Let's get to know
each other first.

Tell me
about your childhood.

Is there going to be
basketball there?

Basketball courts attract
undesirables to my community.

Well, there's barely room
for an actual basketball,

much less a court.

Because there's
a definite type of person

I associate
with basketball,

and I'd rather not have
that type of person nearby.

Don't worry.
You don't need to worry.

Okay, I'll just
come right out and say it.

I'll tell you what type
of person I don't like.

You don't have to do that.

No, no, no, no.
I think we get it.

Yeah, we do, Rose,

and you bring up
a very good point.

Intolerance.
Can we be doing more?

I'd like to hear
from each and every one of you

about a time when prejudice
has touched your lives.

Hello, everyone.

My name
is Professor Barnes.

The class I'll be
teaching this semester

is introduction to lasers.

The word "laser"
stands for

light amplification

by stimulated emission
of radiation.

Where are the lasers?

This graphic here represents
the electromagnetic spectrum

arranged
from low frequency...

He's not even
using a laser pointer.

He's right.
This class stinks.

Stick with it.
You might learn something.

Uh, excuse me.

Professor?

Hi, there.
Andy Dwyer. Curious.

When will you be bringing out
the lasers for me to play with?

And will we start
with the small lasers,

or could we go
just straight to the big lasers,

in terms of
playing with them?

We won't be using
actual lasers in this course.

It's about the theory
that makes them possible.

One of the most significant
bummers of my lifetime.

First up,
a personal favorite,

the Sopranos option.

Now, I guarantee you,
anyone that sees this logo

is not gonna
"fugghedaboudit."

This is our current
community center.

Ugh.

This is our new
community center!

That's right,
it looks like an apple store.

Today, I'm a Beverly hills
plastic surgeon,

and the Parks department
is a wrinkly old housewife

in her early 30s.

I'm about to work
a miracle.

Thank you, ma'am.
What a story.

Anyone else?

Anyone...

Uh, this gentleman
wants to say something.

No, I don't.

Come on, Mel. You're always
up in arms about something.

No, I'm not.

I'm not always
up in arms about something.

There we go.
That's the spirit.

Talk to me
about what's bothering you.

Okay, that'll do it.
Thanks, everybody.

I once hosted a forum
about a new bike rack

that lasted seven hours.

Now when I need
these people to complain,

they're done
in 45 minutes?

Whoa, check it out.

You can get credit for playing
intramural frisbee golf.

Okay, you can take a class
on the Civil w*r.

Why would I take a class

on something that's
already happened?

Look, you guys have
already had your say.

Now I want to try
something that I want to try.

And I'm gonna make my choice
as I always do,

at random.

As she was
b*rned at the stake,

Joan of Arc did not cower.

She did not
beg for mercy.

she said, in a strong,
clear voice,

"I am not afraid.
I was born to do this."

I want to be
b*rned at the stake.

Many societal
institutions

were established
solely to oppress women.

To this day,

some feminists have even
condemned marriage

as a glorified form
of sl*very.

Amen.

That class was awesome.

I wholeheartedly agree.

If that woman weren't so
violently opposed to marriage,

I think I would
propose to her.

Well, then,
it's decided.

Andy Dwyer will be taking
"women's lasers."

"Women's studies."

Sorry. God, I cannot
stop thinking about lasers.

"Women's studies."

Is there such thing
as "women's lasers"?

That'd be
my number one pick.

Excuse me,
what the heck is going on here?

Just preparing
for the grand opening

of this tiny
but very intrusIVE park.

We were told
this would have

very little impact
on the neighborhood.

This flyer has
hundreds of events.

There are fireworks
every night at midnight?

They start at midnight.

Who knows when
they're gonna end?

Look, I don't even know
the impact of this park,

because the city skipped
an environmental impact report.

So we don't know
about traffic problems

or sound or lights
or crime.

I mean,
it's all a mystery.

Don't you work
for the government?

I do, Joe.
Yeah, that's how I know

just how high
this conspiracy goes.

What can we do about it?

I'm glad you asked.
I have some ideas.

These are
our current park rangers.

What are they up to?
No one cares.

They're boring,
and I hate them.

But coming this spring
to the style network...

Ranger Reality Show.

I'm sorry, tom,
but Chris,

he just wanted us
to choose a new font.

I mean, really,
you've gone way off track.

Well, guess what, Jerry?
I'm a dreamer.

Okay? I dream big.
Deal with it.

Tom, weekends
are for dreaming.

You are a government worker.
This is a government job.

Plus isn't dreaming big

exactly what got you in trouble
with your old company?

- Hey, where you going, Joe?
- Bathroom break.

No, get back
over there.

I'll find you a bottle
or something.

Where did
all these people come from?

And why did they turn
so quickly on this project?

Well,
you know how it goes.

It only takes one nut job
to get people riled up.

I hate to say this,

but I think
we're gonna have to do

that environmental
impact report.

They are explicitly
demanding it.

Hey, everybody,
listen up.

Uh, in response
to your complaints,

we are cancelling
all of these disruptive events.

This park
is just gonna be

a quiet patch of grass,
harming nobody.

Everybody cool?

Great.

Dream team.

Actually, Chris, I know you
think that we're a dream team--

Dream team!

Yeah.

But we're not.

You see, Leslie here
is a team of one.

And that might be
a very good team,

but she kind of steamrolls
the rest of her team,

me,
to do whatever she wants.

Regardless of how the rest
of her team,

me,

feels.

So I don't think we should
work together anymore.

Wow.
That was very hard to hear.

So many negative words.

I just need
to process this.

Okay,
the dream team is dead.

But you guys
had a great run.

Oh, and the park is open.
Yay!

Good job with that.

Hello ma'am,
who is just as equal as man,


I would like one ticket
for, uh, women.

He would like to register
for Women's studies.

Okay.
Here's the registration form.

Ooh!

And we'll need a check
or money order for $940.

Why?

Why didn't you tell me
it was so expensive?

I didn't know.

My parents
pay for my classes.

I'll just have them
pay for yours too.

Oh, God, no!
That's embarrassing.

I know.

I'm gonna beg for money in
the street like a drug addict.

- No.
- Yeah.

Oh my God.

Everything in my life
is going wrong right now.

Whose fault is this?
I demand to know.

Actually--

Ben thinks
that I'm a steamroller?

That's unbelievable.

How dare he think
that I'm a steamroller?

Leslie,
I'm just telling you this--

I know, he's going through
a phase right now,

and eventually we're gonna
both be friends again.

No, what I was gonna say
is that you really are--

Working too hard.
I know, Ann,

you keep starting all these
sentences and not finishing--

You're a steamroller!

You are a massive,
enormous, runaway steamroller

with no brakes and a cement
brick on the gas pedal.

You made me watch all eight
Harry Potter movies.

I don't even
like Harry Potter.

That's insane.
You love Harry Potter.

You've seen
all eight movies!

When we go out to a bar,
you order my drinks for me.

Because you order white wine,
and it gives you a headache.

Well, it's my headache!

Leslie,
you do what you want,

you ignore
what other people want,

and you hear
only what you want to hear.

Okay. I know.
I know I do this.

I'm the worst.

No, you're
very passionate.

You just push
too hard sometimes.

Well, you should
call me a bulldozer

rather than
a steamroller.

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be okay.

Is it?
Honestly, is it?

I mean, I guess I just
need to leave Ben alone.

That's what
he says he wants.

Okay.

Well, this steamroller
is hangin' up her...

The rolly thing
on the front of the machine.

What do you--
what do you call that?

- The roller?
- Probably.

Okay.

Got you a little
pick-me-up, Tommy.

A triple-decker ham and cheese
from the cafeteria.

Always makes me feel better.

Two pathetic guys
eating pathetic sandwiches.

Sounds terrific.

I guess I'm Jerry now.

After work,
I'll just go home,

straight to my boring house,

kiss my wife,
and have a home-cooked meal

with my three
beautiful daughters.

What a miserable life.

I have been here,
well, 30-some years,

and the best way
to cope with this job

is to do everything
the exact same way

every day.

Heck, I still use
my original I.D. Card

from my first day
on the job.

Check this out.

Oh, my God.

I got to go.

Put my sammie in the fridge.

Mouse Rat CD, $30.

Candy bars, $50.
$50.

God, people here
are so cheap.

April, where have you been?

Over two phone calls
came in unimpeded.

We're raising money
for my college education, Ron.

I took a second job
back at my old job.

Do you want a shoe shine?

It's $100.

Laugh all you want, Kyle.

I already took the money
out of your wallet.

Oh.

Good news, son.

You have just won
a Ron Swanson scholarship.

I don't think so.
I don't remember applying for--

No, An--Andy.

Ron Swanson...

Scholarship.

Wait, are you serious?

Stop this.

No.

Stop,
or you lose the money.

Why not?

I like the kid,
and I have the money.

One thing
I promised myself

when I buried gold
in my backyard

was that I'd never be a hoarder
or a miser about it.

Hey.

Okay, is this
health department business

or Leslie business?

You need to go talk to her.

Why?
So she can force me

to spend time
with her again?

No. No way.
I'm done talking.

Listen,
I know she can be

strong-willed
and difficult, okay?

She once made me eat
an entire cheesecake

at a potluck
so she didn't look bad.

But I really think
she's ready to listen.

You ate
an entire cheesecake?

Why didn't you just
throw it away?

Because with everything
she's done for me,

I would eat
ten cheesecakes for her.

Also, P.S.,
it was delicious and amazing,

like everything she does.

Will you please just
talk to her? For my sake?

I don't have
unlimited texting,

and when she can't talk
to you, she texts me.

So we take the old logo
from the 1970s,

and we make limited-edition
hats, posters,

t-shirts, everything.

People love limited editions,

plus parents will get swept up
in the nostalgia

and want to go to the parks

to recreate the fun
they had growing up.

This... is amazing.

It is possibly the best idea
anyone has had

in this government
in 100 years.

Tom, terrific.

Thanks, but most of the credit
goes to my number-four, Jerry.

He shared some words of wisdom
with me today,

and while he was yammering on
about whatever,

I happened to see
his old I.D. Card.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I wasn't sure
you were gonna come.

Well, I got very curious

when you only left me
one voicemail message,

instead of your usual 20.

I'm trying to be
a little less intense

and a little more
considerate.

Here, have a seat.

But only if you want to.

Okay.
I want to.

I never listened
to what you wanted,

or how you wanted us to be
when things...

Ended between us.

I just decided
what I wanted,

and I got upset when
you didn't want the same thing.

I know that's not fair,

and I'm very sorry.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.

If you don't want to have
any more contact with me,

I finally understand.

I--I don't want that.

Really.

But I just think
it's for the best.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

There is another option.

We could just say "screw it"

and do this thing
for real.

What?

I miss you like crazy.

I think about you
all the time.

I want to be with you.

So let's just
say "screw it."

No, we would have
to tell Chris.

Yeah.

It could turn
into a scandal.

- Yeah.
- It could hurt your campaign.

I mean, how would
you imagine we do this?

I don't know.

But I--I know how I feel,

and I want to be with you.

But I'm done
steamrolling people.

This is how I feel.
How do you feel?

First day.

You ready?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, crap, I forgot my books.
And my computer.

Just pay attention
to the lecture and enjoy.

My first day of college,
my father dropped me off

at the steel mill.

He didn't think
I should go to college.

But I hitched a ride,
enrolled,

and learned a lot.

I hope Andy does too.

We need to start
teaching women football,

teaching women U.F.C.,

teaching them to drive trucks
without crashing.

"Hey, maybe I'm only sexy.

"Then--maybe that's
all you see,

"but at least you can give me
extra money.

"Tip money and stuff.

I'll flirt with you,
write my name on a napkin."

They're gonna do it
in a right, kind of legal way

that empowers prostitution.

We don't rest
until we get that.

That will be progress.

That is extremely incorrect.

I thought--
I thought maybe it was

when I was--
I, uh--

I'll get 'em next time.
Back to you, Professor.
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