04x11 - The Comeback Kid

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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04x11 - The Comeback Kid

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, goodie.
You're all here.

Now, I know I'm not
supposed to talk

about my campaign
in the office,

but last night
I made a decision

about who should be
my campaign manager.

This is a huge job.

This is going to require
a lot of late-night

one-on-one
jam sessions with me,

and we're going to
bounce ideas
off of each other.

You're going to have
to take calls from me
anytime, day or night.

The person I have
chosen is...

Drum roll, please.

(LESLIE MIMICKING DRUM ROLL)

Ann Perkins!
TOM: Yep.

Oi! Give it up for Ann.

Good choice.

Leslie, I don't know
the first thing

about running
a political campaign.

Ann, you beautiful
tropical fish.

You're smart as a whip
and you're cool
under pressure.

You've resuscitated
a human heart
in your bare hands.

No, I haven't.
You haven't?

ANN: No.
You will.

You're that good
of a nurse.

What about Ben?

I mean, he ran
for mayor at 18 and won.

Ben is poison
to my campaign.

Our relationship
is the reason why
my advisors pulled out.

Ann.

Don't listen
to your head
or your heart.

Just look at my eyes
and say yes.

Okay, yes.
Yes. I believe
in you, Ann.

Thank you.

And your first job
as my campaign manager

is to start
dressing like one.

I don't want to have
this conversation again.

Again? You just hired me
eight seconds ago.

Wow, you're doing
a really bad job.

William. Elizabeth.

Leslie. Hi.
Hi.

What are you...
Are you coming to see me?

Did you hear that I'm
re-launching my campaign?

Actually, no. Sorry.
We weren't here to see you.

We have been
meeting with

other potential candidates
for City Council.

Oh, really?

So my campaign ends
and, just like that,

you find someone else
and run theirs?

Yes, that's our job.

I know. Good luck.

But I just had a big meeting
with my new advisory board,

and they're brilliant
and amazing.

They're real K*llers.

ANDY: Leslie?

I tried to make ramen
in the coffee pot
and I broke everything.

Thank you, Andy.
I'll be right in.

Well, good luck, Leslie.

Honestly.

Well, we don't need luck.

We are a rocket ship.

We are re-launching,
and we're going to
blast past your...

Oh, they're gone.

It's true. I no longer
have highly-trained

professional
campaign managers.

So what?

Are most murders committed
by highly-trained,
professional assassins?

No. They're committed
by friends and co-workers.

That analogy was
way better in my head.

(DOOR SQUEAKING)

(BELL JINGLING)

Hi.
ANDY: Champion?

APRIL: Champion?
ANDY: Champion?

Oh, my gosh.
There you are, puppy.
That's a good boy.

That is a three-legged dog.

His name is Champion,
because he's
the Dog World Champion.

Okay, I have to ask this.

I'm sorry, but how many legs
did that dog have
when you found him?

Three. That's what
makes him the best.

He can do more
with three legs than
most dogs can do with four.

Except for digging.
He's really bad
at digging.

ANDY: And we
remembered
what you said

about making decisions
on the house.

You want to be involved.

We get that.
So you just
say the word

and Champion goes
back to the pound

where he can be put down
and k*lled forever.

I'm not going to send
a three-legged dog
to his death.

Yes.

But I'm also not going to
take care of him for you.

Well, it would be nice
if you helped a little.

Because, unlike you,
Andy and I have jobs.

Cruel, but fair.

ANN: So Leslie and I have
come up with the theme

for the campaign
re-launch rally.

"The Comeback Kid."

ANN: Everyone loves
a good comeback story...

Rocky.
Robert Downey Jr.

The Terminator.
He said, "I'll be back,"
and he was.

Also making a comeback,
the casual Hawaiian shirt.

Well, well, well.
Look who's ahead
of the curve.

I was joking.
You should soak that
in bleach and burn it.

Okay. So the rally
is going to be held

tomorrow at
the Pawnee Sports Building.

April, you finalized
the rental, right?

APRIL: (IN A MANLY VOICE)
Shut up, Ann. I told you
never to talk to me.

(GASPS) That was Champion.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Bad dog.
Yes, everything's
fine with the rental.

Ron, you're
constructing the stage?

Yes, ma'am.

Leslie wanted to
hire a contractor
to build a stage.

I don't want to paint
with a broad brush here,

but every single contractor
in the world

is a miserable,
incompetent thief.

"Then seal the edges
by crimping them
with a fork."

Crap.
(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Ben!
What's up, Chris?

Come on in, man.
I already did.

So how have you been?
How you doing?
How are you?

Great, actually. I'm just
learning how to make...

(IN MOCK ITALIAN ACCENT)
Calzones.

Or as you Americans
like to say, calzones.

You want one?

No. I find calzone
fatty and unnecessary.

So you've hit
a bit of a rough patch.
And I care about you.

So I just want to
make sure that
you're doing okay.

Chris, honestly,
I'm great.

I'm just exploring
whatever fun activity
pops into my brain.

Look. Check this out.

I'm teaching myself
how to do
claymation videos.

Isn't this just so cool?

(LAUGHING) It is so cool.

Ben is massively depressed.

And he needs my help.

You look like a real
campaign manager.

Oh, thanks.

That's because I
googled campaign manager

and noticed that
they wear a lot
of dark colors.

See? There's more
things to look at
on the Internet

besides naked guys, Ann.

What?

I need a team update,
Campaign Manager.

Okay. p*stol Pete Disellio
will be here in five minutes.

I still can't believe
that you got him.

Ann got local hero
p*stol Pete Disellio
to endorse me at the rally.

In 1992, p*stol Pete's
last-second dunk
against Eagleton High

clinched a comeback victory

for the Pawnee Central
Drunken Savages.

Team mascot later changed.

Akash, buddy, of course
I came to you first.

You're the best
carpet man in Pawnee.

But here's my question.

Do your carpets
match your drapes?

(LAUGHING)

How do you make any event
classy on a budget?

A red carpet.

My entire apartment
is red carpet.

On top of that,
leading into my bedroom?

A second red carpet.

Oh, what's this
in my shoe?

Red carpet insole.

Everywhere I go,
I'm walking
on red carpet.

Is there even
enough room
for everyone?

Here. Sit on my lap.

No, that's humiliating.
Can't I at least
sit on Andy's lap?

No, that's
Champion's spot.
He called it.

Tom, we're already late.
Now, be a man and sit
on that girl's lap.

Yes, sir.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Hi. Pete Disellio.

We can call you
p*stol, right?

I prefer Pete.
Oh. Okay, got it.

I'm Leslie Knope.
Hi.

We overlapped a year
at Pawnee Central.

You probably remember
my voice from
the morning announcements.

This is my campaign manager,
Ann Perkins.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Oh, thanks.

I'm excited to be here.

Yeah, we're excited
to have you.

Ann is k*lling it.
My campaign team
is unstoppable.

This rally is
going to be awesome.

Oh, my God.
I'm feeling it.

I'm going to break-dance.

(WHOOPING)

Hey.

Leslie?
Coming.

Thank God.

(ANDY LAUGHING)

Yeah. Champion is
a way better kisser
than you are, babe.

Uh-uh.
Yes, he is.

He's even
a better kisser than me.
Here. Try some.

Oh.
Okay. Stop it.

He's drooling on me.

Oh! (HONKING HORN)

This is unsafe.

Oh, we should do it
for the kids.
Kids love it, Ron.

Wait, just for the kids.
(HONKING)

Hi, kids!

Hey!
(SIREN BLARES)

Oh, look.
The police
even love it.

They're sirening back to us.

Wonderful.
(GASPING) That's awesome.

I'm just going to tell him
that we heard him.
Heard you, bud. (HONKING)

And then you come out
and you dunk the ball
and you say,

"Voting for Leslie Knope
is a slam dunk."

You can still dunk, right?

Oh, I can.

But I won't.

Sorry?

Look. Everywhere I go,
everybody always wants me to

talk about that dunk
and that game.

It feels like
I'm living in the past.

But the past is great.

The jitterbug,
stagecoaches,

Herman Munster.

Look. Leslie,
I read up on you.

You've done great stuff
for our parks system,

and I will happily
endorse you.

As Peter Disellio,
Regional Distributor
for Derwin Ham Loafs.

But if this is about
who I was or what I did
when I was 17,

I'm out of here.

Let's not talk
about dunking anymore.

Let's talk about
what you want to do.
Okay.

I think you
want to dunk.

I'm not going
to dunk the ball.

What about a lay-up?

Officer, I've been
operating heavy machinery
since I was eight years old.

Now, I respect you
and your service to this
town and your country.

But what laws are
we breaking exactly?

Well, you've got
four people
in the front seat.

Nobody is wearing
a seat belt.

You were speeding
and blasting your horn
through the hospital zone.

The rear of
the vehicle is open

and debris has
been falling out.

And you don't have
a commercial license
to drive a truck.

Okay.

Well, we have
a philosophical difference
on what constitutes a law.

I need to see your hands.

And could you step out
of the vehicle, please?

Hi.

I just wanted you to know
we're about to be arrested.

Oh, my God, April.
That's horrible.
Where are you?

"My mother's butt." Really?
That's really helpful.

Let me talk to her.

April, this is City
Council candidate,
Leslie Knope.

Do not make any trouble.
Sit tight. I am on my way.

Whoa, you just
hung up on her?

She had already hung up on me.
Okay. I'm going to
go down there

and get them out,
because men
in uniform love me.

You have to get
p*stol Pete
to make that sh*t.

Okay. But if I don't,
it's no big deal, right?

You'll just make
your speech?

He's our surprise headliner.

The whole town loves him.
I'm polling at 1%.

He must dunk, Ann.

Do whatever it takes.

Yeah, anything short
of sexual favors.

What?
I do not...

I repeat, I do not
want you to tempt him
with sexual favors.

I wasn't going to.
Good. I wouldn't, either.

That's where
I draw the line.

Although,
I am a little offended
that you wouldn't do that.

Go.
Right.

So, Ben, why calzone?

Glad you asked, Chris.

You know,
there's fast food
hamburgers.

There's fast food Mexican.
There's fast food Chinese.

Blah, blah, blah.
Have you ever wondered

why there isn't
a fast food option
for Italian food?

What about pizza?

Pizza?
Never heard of it.

That's what people
will be saying
in 20 years.

Because pizza is
old news, Chris.

Pizza is your
grandfather's calzone.

I never thought
of it that way.

What I'm talking
about is a portable,

delicious meal that
is its own container.

It's a whole new
spin on Italian
fast-casual dining.

Amazing.

And you of all people
will like this.

I'm going to use
low-fat ingredients.

Game changer.

And I will call
my new Italian
fast-casual eatery,

"The Low-Cal
Calzone Zone."

That idea is literally
the greatest idea I have
ever heard in my life.

That idea is terrible.

Len, you're k*lling me.

They broke about
50 laws, Knope.

And that girl, she tried to
get that gimp dog to bite me.
(BARKS)

Look, I could sit here
and fill out
all the paperwork,

but you and I both know
that you'd rather
go home to Deborah,

have a nice home-cooked meal,
and do what comes naturally.

That's not appropriate.

You know that
I'm going to pay
all the fines.

I'm in the middle
of a campaign rally.

And this is my team.

I need them. Please.

Fine. But unless one of you
has a commercial license,

you can't take that truck.

It would just mean
so much to us.

I mean, you're
a living legend.
(CHUCKLES)

They still air that game
every Friday night
on cable access.

Yeah, well,
being a living legend

is sort of
a double-edged sword.

Everybody in this town
still calls me p*stol.

Tell me more
about that, Peter.

I mean, yes, that dunk,
it made me famous.

But sometimes...

Sometimes, life dunks you.

Hey, man, you want
to go for a jog?
(CAMERA CLICKING)

Just sort of kick
out the cobwebs,
get some endorphins going?

Oh, no, thanks, Chris.

I'm kind of tearing
this claymation video
a new one right now.

You know, Ben, I really think
you need to take
a step back here.

I think getting
some perspective
would be good.

What are you
talking about?

I have known you
a long time.

And right now
you need help.

With my claymaish?

With your life.

You are wildly,
insanely depressed.

Depressed?
I'm the furthest thing
from depressed.

I mean, look at what
I've accomplished.


Do you see him?

Do you think
a depressed person
could make this?

No.

That's all
we can fit in here.

No problem.
This is going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine.

Because the team
is still together,

and there's nothing
the team can't do.

Wait, I think Champion
has to go to the bathroom.

He shall do it
in the car.

Answer your phone, Ann.

But that's what life
is like in a strict
Roman Catholic household.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
Of course, my father,
he was more stick than carrot,

when it came to
matters of discipline.

I'm sorry.
But the Ben Wyatt
that I know?

I just don't think
he'd be happy sitting here,
faffing around.

I'm not faffing around.
I've sunk myself
into my hobbies.

Here. I'll show you
my claymation project.

Okay? Now, I've been
working pretty hard on this,

and I think
it's really good.

So just hang
onto your hat, okay?

Okay.

Here it goes.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, how great.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Did you pause it?

No. Hang on.

(MUSIC STARTS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SIGHING)

Oh, my God.

That's the whole thing.

That's three weeks of work.

You're going to be okay.

No. No, no, no.
I'm not.

You see, in my head,
I thought that was
really, really cool.

In fact, I...

I e-mailed Leslie
two days ago and I
compared it to Avatar, Chris.

And how can it
not be longer?

Okay, look.

What you're feeling
right now is
regret and shame.

But we are going
to get through this.

Okay. No word from Ann.

April, I need a status report.
How's it looking out there?

Perfect.
But just one thing.

It's not
a basketball court anymore.
It's an ice skating rink.

Wait. What? Why?
What happened?

The stupid guy I called
to book this place
didn't tell me

they took off
the basketball floor
for a hockey game.

Or maybe he did tell me,

but he was
so stupid and boring
that I wasn't listening.

And, either way,
it was his fault,

because he was stupid
and I hated him.
(LESLIE SIGHING)

Ron, how's the stage coming?

Well, since we had to
jettison the bulk
of the wood,

this is the biggest
I could make it.

Oh, my God.

Good Lord.
What happened to
the rest of my face?

We had to Jetsons
most of the poster, too.
But I kind of like it.

Because windows are
the eyes to the house.

Wow.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Okay. I've got p*stol Pete.

Good. Where is he?

Right now, he's curled up
in the back seat of my car,

talking about his father,
who was a piece of work.

I actually think he
did the best he could
for a single father,

but I may be too close
to the situation.

Anyway, the important news
is that he's here.

Good. Is he going
to dunk for me?

I'm not sure.
I couldn't hear
through all the crying.

He's crying?
No, I was crying.

It's been a stressful day,
and he's had
a really rough life.

Oh, my God.
We should cancel it,
right?

Maybe we should cancel?
Yeah.

Jerry, you were in charge
of getting the crowd.

Please tell me that
you pulled a Jerry
and no one's here.

Okay, well, first of all,
I don't like it when
you guys use that term.

And, for the record,
I came through.

There are almost
a hundred people out there.

Oh, damn it, Jerry.
You just had to do
your job, didn't you?

Yeah, can't you do
anything wrong, Jerry?

I've been looking at
our utter and complete

lack of experience
as a positive thing.

But I'm starting to think
it might actually
be a problem.

LESLIE: Okay, guys.
Everybody, listen up.

I just wanted
to say thank you.

You've all
volunteered your time.

And no matter what,
I am eternally
grateful for it.

Now, I am going to
go out there

and I am going to
announce the re-launch,

and I'm going to
muddle through this thing
as best I can.

You should all leave,
and when this thing is over,

I'll meet you at
the nearest bar.

That would be Hurley's.

Oh, it's karaoke tonight.
Yes.

No. No. No, guys. No.
We're not leaving. Okay?

We're the reason
Leslie is in this mess.
It's our mess.

We're going to stay here
and we're going to go
out there as a team.

Or...

We go as a team
to Hurley's.

No. Ann's right.
We're a team.

We're all
going out together.

LESLIE: Let's give
this crowd a show.

Go...

ALL: Go, team!

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

LESLIE: Tom?

I couldn't afford
enough premium carpet
to get us to the stage.

I mean, it was a short walk,
but it was pretty luxurious,
right?

(MUSIC STOPS)
Okay.

Everybody, smile and wave.
Smile and wave.
(MUSIC RESUMES)

APRIL: Stop leaning
on my arm, Andy.

Oh!

Babe!
(CROWD GASPS)

RON: I'm holding the dog.
APRIL: Are you okay?

He is peeing.
He is now peeing.

Now, I'm putting him down.

No, Ron!
He only has three legs!

LESLIE: No, no, no. Okay.
(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

TOM: I'm scared.

Ron? Ron? There's no stairs.
How do I get onto the stage?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh!

(ENERGETIC MUSIC RESUMES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(ANN GRUNTING)

Okay.

(GRUNTING)

(ENERGETIC MUSIC RESUMES)

Mmm!

Here you go.

Drink up.
Because it has every herb
in my herb belt.

Ugh!

It tastes like a belt.

(CHUCKLING)
I know. Isn't it awful?
But it works wonderfully.

So tell me.
(SIGHING)

Do you admit that
you're depressed?

How did you know?
I didn't even know.

The Letters to Cleo T-shirt,
the unshaven face,
the Doc Martens...

And your hair does not
have that normal
uptight, rigid,

inflexible Ben Wyatt
sense of fun.

You can't
hide these things
from your friends.

I think I'm feeling better.

Herbal smoothie,
you have done it again.

As a loyal Pawneean,
I've always been
proud of this town.

And I... Um...

Sorry, my cards
got out of order here
when they fell.

Together, we can defeat

obese children.

I'm sure that was
something positive,
originally.

I'm sorry.
Okay. This is...

This is just a disaster,
isn't it?
This is the one...

(CHUCKLING) This is
the worst political event
ever in history.

Well, I can
assure you people
in the bleachers

that if you
follow my campaign,
it will be interesting.

p*stol: It sure will be.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm p*stol Pete.

And around here
I'm a Pawnee legend.
(ALL CHEERING)

I just wanted to say
that I fully endorse
Leslie Knope.

She's got a great
team behind her.

And a vote for her

is a slam dunk.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thanks, p*stol Pete. Wow.

We're so happy
to have you.

Hey. There he goes.

Come on, Pete.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Okay. Stay still.
Stay down.

p*stol Pete, everybody.

Still got it.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYING)

LESLIE: Hey.

Hey. How was the rally?

Oh, we nailed it.
No, we didn't.

Ben, my campaign manager
and I have made a decision.

We have decided to fire
the campaign manager. Me.

LESLIE: And hire you.

But we've talked
about this.

I don't care if you're
poison to my campaign.

This team has
a lot of heart
and zero know-how.

You're the only one
that can save us.

Please be my
campaign manager.

You know, Leslie,
Ben's really been
going through something.

And he's on a journey,

so I don't think
he's going to be
taking the first job...

I'll do it. I'm in.

I've done
enough exploring.
I'm good.

Okay, great.

Ann, you're fired.
Oh, thank God.

Oh! Don't make out.
It's making Champion sad.

BOTH: Surprise.

We felt really bad
about the whole
"dredging up your past

"just to be
publicly humiliated" thing.

So cookies.

And balloons.

Thanks, guys.
That... That's nice.

Look, we feel so bad.

Is there anything else
we can do?

You can let me
take you to dinner.

Yes, Ann. Yes,
you should do that.

Oh, I can't, though.
Because I'm married.

You're not married.
She's not married.

This is uncomfortable.
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