04x14 - Operation Ann

[bunniefuu]

Okay.
Time for gifts.

We have gift certificates
for facials for everybody.

Then, you are going to get a needlepoint
pillow with your face on it

and the lead headline from a
newspaper on the day you were born.

"Josef Stalin Dies"?

That's right, Mom.
And you replaced him.

Not in terms of genocide. Just in
terms of, you know, being on Earth.

February 14th, Valentine's
Day, is about romance.

But February 13th,
Galentine's Day

is about celebrating
lady friends.

It's wonderful, and it should
be a national holiday.

It should be
a national holiday.

"Dear Congress.
It's Leslie again."

Let's talk about
personal relationships.

Who wants to start? Donna?

I have several men
in rotation.

One's waiting for me
out in the car.

Don't worry.
I rolled down the window.

April, you're the old married broad here.
How's Andy?

Well, last week,
he was supposed to buy gas,

but instead, he bought
novelty cookie cutters.

Now, everything we eat
is shaped like a dinosaur.

He's amazing.

Great. And, Mom,
how is it going with Steven?

Well, I met him
on the Internet

because of my
lovely daughter.

And we are

compatible.

Okay, no, no, no.
Ann, can you start talking?

Well, I'm in a bit
of a lull right now.

But I'm so glad
that you all

have people in your lives
that you care about,

so congrats.

It's really hard to say "congrats"
without sounding sarcastic.

Seriously, I really hope you guys
are all very happy. Damn it.

We are.

Ann, I just wanted to say I'm
sorry if I put you on the spot

when I asked you
about your love life.

How are you doing?

You know, I'm mostly
fine being single.

It's just this time of year,
with the hearts and roses,

it just gets me
a little down.

But Galentine's Day made me feel better.
So thanks.

Oh, Ann. You beautiful spinster.
I will find you love.

What? Did you say something?
I love you.

Thank you all for being here.
Let's get started.

Wow.
Great attitude, Ron.

Sorry. I was talking
to these ribs.

Okay. So the
Valentine's Day dance

is planned, prepped
and under budget.

But we have
one final task.

Ann Perkins is currently attending
the Valentine's Day dance alone.

So I need each one of you to bring an
eligible bachelor for her tomorrow.

Ann's not totally hideous.
Why does she need our help?

Because that's
what friends do, April.

They help friends
find happiness.

Now, the last guy
she liked was Chris.

But she can't date him again
because he's her boss.

So when we're thinking
of prospective sweethearts,

we need to think of
people who are

attractive and
smart and kind.

And if you're wondering what
kind of guy is right for Ann,

all you need to do is ask.

Also, you need to find someone
educated and friendly and fun.

Just tell us
the damn word.

Effervescent.
He needs to be effervescent.

Quick question
about Ann.

Does anyone know if she
has any Indian in her?

No one respond.
No one say anything.

Why? I'm just curious if Ann
has a little Indian in her.

Silence.

I don't think
she does.

- Would she like some?
- Jerry!

Happy Valentine's Day and...

Yachter Otter?
Yep.

Two months ago, I have a dream
about a playboy otter lost at sea,

and you make him real?

I love it.
I thought we had agreed

that we weren't going to
get each other presents

because we were too busy with the campaign.
I got you something too.

Oh. A b*mb?

It is a cryptex, like in that
movie The Da Vinci Code,

which was the first movie that you
and I ever watched on Starz HD.

Wow. That's specific.

Inside, it will tell you where
to meet me at 9:00 p.m. tonight.

And the combination
is a five-letter code

that captures the essence
of our third date.

Yeah.
So I will see you tonight.

Okay. Unless you can't
cr*ck the code.

I think I can
cr*ck the code.

I have no idea
what the code is.

Hey, man, you okay?
Still thinking about your ex?

Millicent Gergich
has literally

torn my heart
from my body,

and replaced it with
a thick slab of sadness.

I may never smile again.

Cool. So I found a DJ for the dance
and his name is D.J. Bluntz.

Tom, this is a publicly
funded couples dance.

I don't think it's appropriate for
people to be "getting wet with sound."

Who's going to do it, then?

I will. I certainly have no
other plans for Valentine's Day

because I am
completely alone.

All right.
I'll see you later, Chris.

Oh, cool cryptex.
Can I have it?

Hey. No. No, you can't.
Where did you get it?

How do you know
what a cryptex is?

I know what things are.

Well, Leslie hid the location of our
Valentine's meeting place in here.

No. I've tried every
five-letter word

that has anything to do
with our third date.

Have you tried...

That's a four-letter word.

Add an "S"? I really
don't think it's that.

I wish I could help you, bro.
I don't know if I can.

You're like the second
smartest guy I know.

You should go to the first
smartest guy I know.

Okay.
So the clue is inside,

but it takes the five-letter
code to open it. Andy...

Did you try...

Yes. Why is that
everyone's first suggestion?

Just smart people. I think I
might be able to help you.

Told you.

Let me see it.
Yeah, you're going to see it.

I'll show you.
I can unroll it.

"The murals with
this heart you see.

"Look to the first, and there
your next clue will be."

The first letter of the name of
each mural with a heart on it

will spell out the clue.

Or something.
Let's check out the murals.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Pawnee.

For me,
it is not happy.

But don't let my sadness
diminish your night.

Anyway,
life is fleeting.

Leslie,
I found a date for Ann.

Jerry, well done.
I put an ad on Craigslist.

"Man seeking man
for a night of casual fun."

Enrico,
he responded right away.

I'll meet you inside. Okay.
Okay.

Thanks, dude.

You hired a male escort.

A what? Please get your
gigolo out of here.

Oh, my God.

Okay. So we've got all the ones from
this side with the heart sticker.

All right. The ones from the other
hallway are "Cornfield Slaughter,"

"Lament of the Buffalo,"

"Needless Slaughter,"

"Slaughter Gone Wrong,"

"Eating the Reverend,"

"It's Raining Blood"
and "Death Everywhere."

Great.
I got it from here.

Thanks, guys. I hope I didn't screw
up your Valentine's Day too much.

No. Oh, God, no.
April hates Valentine's Day.

And brunch and
outside and smiling.

She's weird.

I figured it out.

The letters unscrambled say, "No food finer.
Clue three at J.J.'s Diner."

How many clues
are there, exactly?

Hey, you're here.
And I brought a bachelor.

Are you kidding me?
No.

You brought Orin? Ann is not
some weird morose mummy.

Offense intended, Orin.

Let this be
a wake-up call

about the way you present
yourself to the world.

I think Ann and him
would be cute together.

I asked you
to do one thing.

Do you know how hard
I've been working

to try to pull this together
before Ann gets here?

Hey.
Hey, you're here.

We weren't talking about you.
How are you?

Well, it's Valentine's Day and I'm
single and I'm at a couples dance.

I can't imagine a more
depressing place to be.

What about a wedding where you
used to go out with the groom

and you're the only one there
without a date,

so the bride makes you dance
to Single Ladies by yourself?

Oh, my God!
Did that happen to you?

Maybe. Let's get a drink.

And then, you and I are
going to have some F-U-N.

Well, at least
the music seems about right.

There were supposed to
be, like, 20 guys here for Ann,

and there's only four.

Who else do we have?
Ben, taken. Jerry, taken.

Oh!

My dentist is 80,
and he's gay and he's taken.

What's this? "P Hut."

Pizza Hut. Hold on.

Hi. How cute are you?

Ann, this is my
lawyer friend, Alex.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you
in the last hour.

Yeah. Well, Alex gives
my campaign legal advice,

and Ann is the greatest
human being ever invented.

So I'm going to... What? Someone needs me.
I'm going to go.

And you two
just hit it off now.

You crazy kids.

Okay.

Okay.
"There is no food finer."

For Leslie, that means
whipped cream or...

No, it's whipped cream.

Everyone, look in the
whipped cream cans.

Oh, got some.

Nothing yet.

Okay. "Something wicked this way comes,
whence you peruse a book with your thumbs.

"Go to the one who succumbs. I'll
be attached with a little gum."

Come on, Leslie.
Give me a break.

I hate riddles and other such nonsense.
I want that on the record.

But something wicked with a book
is my ex-wife from the library.

Which means
I'm the one that succumbs.

"I'll be attached
with a little gum."

Good God.
That woman is good.

"Follow me to the sheltered snow.
Only 22 clues left to go."

22?

Well, this is the woman
I've chosen to love.

Well, I guess there's nothing to
do but spend the entire night

methodically
solving this puzzle.

There's no way
we'll finish in time.

Okay. I'll just make a list of
places she and I have been together

and hope we luck out
and find the last clue.

We'll split up,
cover more ground. Move.

Hey, Chris-Cross.
Can we change up the music?

It kind of sounds like the end of a
movie about a monk who k*lled himself.

It is.

Listen, man. There's some
attractive women here.

Why don't you rebound?

Nobody here
compares to Millicent.

Except maybe Jerry.

Technically, they share
50% of the same DNA.

Stop staring
at Jerry like that.

I don't know.
It's working now.

Hey. How's it going?
It's Valentine's Day.

And I'm working the late shift
at the snow globe museum,

so I'm right
where I want to be.

Okay. My girlfriend left a clue here,
I think, like, for a scavenger hunt?

Right, you're Ben.
Yes.

She said you'd
be here by noon.

You're not doing so good. All right.
Well, thanks, Kevin.

I'm supposed to tell you that it's
under one of the snow globes.

But which one?
Oh, I don't know.

Nope. Nope.

You really suck at this.

Okay. Why don't you just tell me where
it is, and I can get out of here?

That would take
all the fun out of it.

Winner.

I found it.
Yep.

Oh, wait. No, that might be
from another scavenger hunt.

Ann. Looks like
you've already met Jeff.

Well, you didn't tell me that
your friend was so beautiful.

Oh! Thanks, Jeff.

Not as beautiful as my sister,
but you know the law.

No. No, Jeff.
What?

How am I supposed to
find the love of Ann's life

when it sounds
like a funeral in here?

There's no changing it as
long as Chris is depressed.

All right. I'm going to go talk to Chris.
You go help Ann.

She's not responding
to my top candidates.

So we're going to have to
go with some wildcards.

Got it. And, April.
Thanks for nothing.

Why should I do
anything to help her?

Because despite the fact that all
you do is give her a hard time,

she would do this for you.

Just go hide under the table
with your friend Orin.

Yeah, I see you, weirdo.

So Leslie dragged you into this
sneaky little fix-up scheme, huh?

We're stuck at a Parks and Rec community couples event.
What else you got to do?

What the hell. You're right.
Bring them on, Tom.

I'm Harris. I heard you were
desperate for a man piece.

We in business?

He's 33 years old,
still lives with his parents,

and he's been to at
least 200 Phish concerts.

Try 308.

I'm going to have
to pass right now.

Your mistake, mama.

So, Bill, this stunning woman
saves lives for a living.

What do you bring
to the table?

Where to begin?
I'm an amateur juggler.

Nope, you shouldn't
have begun there. Get out.

No one's trying to get with jugglers.
Thanks for playing.

Hello. My name
is Ron Swanson.

I believe Leslie Knope may have left
some kind of scavenger hunt clue here.

She did. One second.

Gentlemen.

Enjoy your evening.

Well, they always say break
glass in case of an emergency.

Wait a second.

Well, there we go.

Hey, Chris. What do you think
about changing the music?

Sure.

Hey, you know what? You should
look on the bright side.

I'm sure that Millicent couldn't
keep up with you on your runs.

So, now, you can
go full speed again.

On the contrary,
she was faster than I was.

I set many personal bests just
trying to keep up with her.

Which is what
I'm worried about.

What if she was
my personal best?

No. Your best
is still ahead of you.

I am 44 years old.

You don't look
a day over 30.

Most people say 25.

Who says that?
A lot of people.

You don't think that
Millicent was my soul mate?

There are a lot of
soul mates in the world.

I mean, look at Ann. You dated her,
and she's a perfect human specimen.

And you tossed her out
like day-old chowder.

But it's going to be okay.

Buck up.
Thanks. I'll try.

Hey.

Hey. How is your evening unfolding in
terms of your conversations with men?

I have met a lot of
different guys tonight.

How lucky that that happened
to you on Valentine's Day.

What's lucky is that
I have a best friend

who'd spend her Valentine's
Day trying to find me a date.

Thank you.
I'm going to go home.

No. Stay.

I just... I'm going to go
home and watch TV.

Okay. Can you just do me a favor and
give me your car keys for a second?

There's something I need to
look at on your car keys.

You're going to throw them on the
roof again so I can't leave.

You know me too well.
You're the best.

It sucks being
alone on Valentine's Day.

So I'm going to take
Ann out for a drink.

You know, try to cheer her up.
And I can be late meeting Ben.

He's not going to be on time
because those clues are hard.

They're really, really hard.

And I'm really worried that he's not
going to be able to figure it out.

Ann, you tricky bastard.

Leslie?
What are you doing?

Look at Ann.
She's putting on makeup.

She's using the emergency mini
curling iron that I gave her.

She has a date.
You don't know that.

Why wouldn't she
tell me who it is?

Because she doesn't
want me to know.

Because it's someone
she shouldn't be dating. Wait.

The music is better.
Have you seen Chris?

I don't know. Maybe he's in
the bathroom or something.

She's going to meet Chris.

Hey. So, I got nine,
three and four.

I have 11, 12, 13, 14, 15,
16, 17, 18 and 19.

Whoa.

I got... I got lucky.

And I love riddles.

Yo. I found some clues.
Also found this.

Weird stick.
Might be a clue?

No.

Okay. Did you find
the 25th clue?

No, I got number eight
and number 22.

What do you want, April?

Leave Ann alone. This is
none of your business.

After all the hoops that Ben
and I had to jump through

because of the boss-employee thing,
it is absolutely my business.

Chris needs
to explain himself.

And Ann lied to me
about this date.

I mean,
so many injustices.

Ann would never do anything
to piss you off, Leslie.

You guys are
such close friends.

It's lame. Just have a nice night
with Ben and forget about this.

Okay, fine.

I will let it go for now.

But I want you to know
that I think there is some...

Okay, she hung up on me.

We failed. If I'd just
had a little more time.

She's waiting for me somewhere in
Pawnee and I'm not going to be there.

Wait.
Leslie loves romance,

but she also
loves being right.

Is there something
you used to disagree on,

but you've since come around
to her way of thinking?

Ron, you're a genius.

- Li'l Sebastian.
- Yep.

At first, you did not understand what
made this tiny horse so special.

And now, you love him
more than I do.

Yep. I miss him every day.

I really tried to make that hard.
Yeah.

I'm very impressed with you Some
of them were kind of tough.

So, are you ready to go have our
first ever Valentine's dinner?

Yes. But I have
to tell you something.

Chris and Ann are
on a secret date.

Which is crazy
because he's her boss,

which is the exact
situation we were in,

except we were
put on trial for it.

And I know I'm not supposed to care.
And I should just let it go

and we should just have a
romantic dinner, but this is...

No, we have to go catch them
in the act right now.

Really?
Yeah.

Screw romantic dinners.

Let's go rub it in their face.
God, I love you so much.

I cannot wait to see the look on
Chris' remarkably youthful face

when we march in there
and confront them.

Leslie.

What?

April.

Hey.
April.

Tom and Ann are on a date.

I know.
What do you mean you know?

How do you know?

Because I set them up.

I was watching Ann
with Tom at the dance

and she seemed to be
having a good time.

So I went over
and talked to her.

What are you looking
for in a date, anyway?

I don't know.
What does anyone want?

Just a nice, funny guy who
likes me and treats me well.

Tom's funny.
And he'd treat you well.

Ha-ha.

I'm serious.
You want a good date?

Why not ask out the only guy
that's made you smile tonight?

He's ridiculous.
All that dumb swagger?

It's an act.

He's sweet. You should just
ask him out for a drink.

I'm 1,000% sure
he'd say yes.

I bet you guys would
have a good time.

Man. I need to, like,
wrap my head around this.

Why?
It makes sense to me.

This is a small loser town
with loser people,

and Tom's, like,
at least semi-cool.

You know what I'm hearing?

You tried to make Ann happy
for Valentine's Day.

You're a very nice person.
No.

Yes, you are. A very nice person.
Bye.

Okay. I do not understand this.
This really confuses me.

Well, you do
love them both.

Yeah, but I love passionate
speakers and Italian men.

Doesn't mean
I love Mussolini.

You love Italian men?

Not as much as Irish.

Scottish? White.
Whatever you are.

This is the weirdest
Valentine's Day ever.

So, Ann.
It's finally happening.

Dude, this is so close
to falling apart.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Can I be honest, though?

I'm a little freaked out.

Like, I don't really
understand what's going on.

This is what's going on.

We're going to have a drink,
and we're going to talk,

get to know each other.

And then, I am going
to drive home alone.

Cool. Consider
this alternate plan.

We grab drinks here, get to
know each other, whatever.

Then, we go back to my place and
snuggle up like little bunnies.

Yeah, this was a mistake.

No!

Leslie, thanks to your
annoying prying last year,

I'm sure you remember
my birthday's coming up.

I know, I know. No parties.
You hate parties.

Correct.

Oh.

You know that wild goose chase you
sent Ben on for Valentine's Day?

The scavenger hunt?

I also do not want that.
Yup. I understand.

I absolutely do not want

to solve a series of riddles and clues,
each more intricate than the last.

You understand what I'm saying?
Yeah. I got it, Ron.

Good.

I do want that.
Please do that for me.