04x15 - Dave Returns

[bunniefuu]

Oh, God!
Hey, Boo Boo Bear.

What did you just call me?
Boo Boo Bear.

It's one of
several nicknames
I made up for you.

And you can choose
which one you like best

'cause I want this
to be a give and take.

Okay. We went out once,
and nothing happened.

There is no "this."

We have Cookie Tush...

Wow.
Just right out the gate.

Winnie the Boo,
Lady Presh Presh,

Annberry Sauce,
Annie Get Your Boo,

Tommy's Girl,
Annie Banannie... Hey!

All right. Let's do this.

What are you doing?

Is this not
one of those?

I might have
misread the vibe.

Oh, my God! Dude.
You have to be
cooler about this.

Look, I told Leslie
because she's
my best friend.

But if anybody
finds out about this
and they start jabbering,

it's going to make
it really hard to know
if this is actually anything.

So, just keep it
on the DL.
Okay?

I feel like you're
embarrassed by me.

That is accurate.

Can I at least
change my Facebook status
to "in a relationship"?

Definitely not.

"It's complicated"?

Whatever.

Am I in a relationship?

It's complicated.

Chief Trumple,
nice to see you.

Hi.
Hey, Knope. Wyatt.

Been a long time, eh, Cap'n?
Or Captain.
"Oh, Captain, my Captain."

From Dead Poets Society.

You getting weird already?
Nope. I'm good.

Pawnee's
police chief
is retiring

and I'm trying to
get his endorsement
before he goes.

I'm really nervous
because I need
this for my campaign.

And Ben is really nervous
because he is afraid of cops.

I'm not afraid of cops.
I have no reason to be.
I never break any laws, ever.

Because I'm
deathly afraid of cops.

Look, Knope.
I've always liked you.

But the Newports
run this town.

And frankly, they've
donated a lot of money
to the Department.

Well, mo' money, mo' problems.
That's what I always say.

How about mo money,
more protective Kevlar vests
that save lives?

(STAMMERING)
Sometimes,
I say that, too.

I understand you
need to think about it.

But if you were going
to make a decision...

The guys are throwing me
a little retirement thing
tonight at O'Flynnigans.

There's going to be beer.

So why don't you swing by
and I'll give you an answer?

Weirdo can come, too.

All right.

Let's go.
Oh, hey. Uh...

May I say that
the boys in blue...

Don't. Stop.

...are heroes.

Obviously,
some more than others.

Oh, boy.
Here it comes.

9l11.
And we're walking.

Okay.

Listen up, people.
This is very serious.

Jerry, if you're eating,
you're not listening.

Thanks, babe.

I don't know how
many of you have heard,

but there is
a flesh-eating virus
going around.

Yeah.
It's called music.

And there's only one
way to get a vaccine.

And that is
to play it.

To play the...
You get an injection.

Just say
your piece, son.

I have finished writing
Leslie's campaign anthem.

It's called Catch Your Dream
and it's amazing.

It's kind of like
We Are the World,

except I actually think
it could have
a real impact on society.

Here's the thing.
We need back-up singers.

And I thought,
who better to be
back-up singers

than Leslie's
campaign team?

Everyone's got something
they're in charge of
for Leslie's campaign.

My job is the song.

She originally put me
in charge of hot dogs
at this fundraising barbecue,

and I dropped them all.
All of them.
Like, 1,000.

So I really want
to do a good job.

So, we're going to
record this bitch tonight.

6:00.
DoubleTime Studio.

DoubleTime, you said?
Little brick building
over on Liondale Road?

Yeah. You know the one?

No.

You could not keep
it together in there.

I know. I'm sorry.
But I'm fine now.

As long as we
can get out of here

as quickly as
possible and
never come back.

Hey, Leslie.
(EXCLAIMS)

Dave.
Hey.

Oh, my God!
Hey.

Wow.

You look great.

San Diego sun.
Got me all tanned up.

So, what are you...
Oh. Sorry.

Ben, this is my...
This is Dave Sanderson.

Oh, hey.
Nice to meet you.

Yes, Leslie Knope
is a female person
with whom I was involved.

We had, romantic...
Romantical involvement

until I relocated
to San Diego.

Which is...
That's in California,

which is southwest of here
by a number of miles.

So, we terminated
our involvement
at that time.

Are you here
for a while?

No, just tonight,
for the Chief's
retirement thing.

Oh. Yeah. We're...
We're going to that,
too, actually.

But we're going to
go a little later.

Because first,
we're going to have dinner

at a really nice,
new French restaurant.

Cool. I'm going to
go to the gas station
and get a frozen burrito

and eat it right
there at that table.

Well, see you later.

You should come
to dinner with us.

Okay.

I shouldn't have
invited him.
I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.
No, that's okay.

I mean, I just feel
like it's kind of odd

for me and him to
hang out with you.

And honestly,
if you want to just go out
with him alone,

I'd be totally
okay with it.

No. Look,
he's here for one night.

He's a really great guy,
and he's going to love you.

Which, bonus,
will make all the other
cops love you.

Dave is a great person.
And he's a great
judge of character.

Tonight,
he's going to
endorse Ben,

and Trumple is
going to endorse me.

Double endorsement.

Ooh, that sounds like
an Ashley Judd movie.

Studio's down here.
Let's go.

Hustle, people.
Come on. Jerry.

That's vandalism.

I have a problem.

This happens
to be the studio

where a local saxophone legend
named Duke Silver
records his albums.

I've heard of him.

I heard he makes
mature women swoon
when he plays.

From what I've
heard about Duke,
he's kind of a private guy.

He doesn't want
his nosy co-workers
discussing his music with him.

Or knowing
that he exists.

So if you happen to see
any memorabilia
laying around,

kindly and
discreetly discard it.

You got it, Duke.
Don't call me that.

I dig your
groovy tunes, man.

Did you hear me?
I said,
I dig your groovy tunes, man.

Yo, Chuck.
We're going to
go ahead and play

and sing
at the same time.

I want this to
have the electricity
of a live concert.

So, we have to play it
perfectly every time?

No, Burly.
Play it unperfectly.

You mean, imperfectly?

I mean perfectly.

God, that was hot nonsense.

Yeah.

Hey, can I have
a sip of that water?

Oh, sure.
Thanks.

That's sweet.
The two of you
sharing a nice bottle of...

You told them.

What?

I asked you
for one thing.

Fine. I told them
we went on a date.
When?

As soon as I possibly could.
I texted them while
we were on the date.

I'm sorry. But you are
too hot to hide, Ann.
This is on you.

Hey.

When you two spoon,
who spoons who?

Ben's doing
an amazing job

as campaign manager.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
He's really smart.

You know, a campaign manager
is only as good as
the campaign person

that he is managing.

So I'm trying to say
you're a real smart lady.

Oh, you can say that again.
If anything,
I'm holding her back.

Aw, Ben.

I said my thing first.

Actually, that's why
we were at the
police station today.

We're trying
to get Chief Trumple's
endorsement.

Oh, yeah?
Hugh's a buddy of mine.

I could probably
get him to endorse you.

Oh, man,
that would be amazing.

LESLIE: Yeah.
Thank you.

Hey. Excuse me.
I need to use the bathroom.

Oh, you mean
the whiz palace.

Yes, Leslie calls
it that sometimes.

I know.
It's kind of cute, right?

Yeah, that's real cute.

(CHUCKLES)

So, how is San Diego...
I'm still
in love with you.

What did you just say?
Nothing.

I did...
Nothing. Nothing was said.
Nothing was just now...

Did you just say
you were still
in love with me?

No, I don't think
I said that.

Dave, why would you
tell me that here
and now?

Because it's accurate.

And because
he's not here
right now,

so I thought
this would be
a good time.

Can I just please talk to you
about this for five minutes?

No. You cannot
bring this up at all
when my boyfriend is here.

Okay, well, get rid of him.
That's a good call.

No, bad call.
That's not the call.
I'll tell him.

Okay. If we leave now
while he's in
the whiz palace...

No. Listen to me.

Hey. Whizzingham Manor.

That's another funny name
for the bathroom

that I thought of.

(SINGING) Catch your dream

And shackle it
to your heart

Catch your dream...

No. No. No.

Was that a joke?
Were you joking just now?

Because if so,
that was
hilarious-ly awful-ly funny

how bad that was.

Why don't you
take 15 minutes

and really think
about whether or not
you want to be part of this.

He's a gorgeous
genius, people.

Just don't
question his methods.

Tom, am I to
understand correctly

that you are now
romantically involved
with Ann Perkins?

Oh, are you about
to give me the whole,

"She's a great girl
and you need to
treat her right" speech?

Since you guys
used to date?

No. But she is,
and you should.

I just had no idea.
And so, now, I have to...

...adjust.

Okay. Great talk.

Uh, how's work
out there, Dave?

Pretty good.
I've caught
a lot of bad guys.

About six bad guys.

So, you're
leaving tomorrow?

I'm scheduled
to leave tomorrow

on the 12:15 flight
through Salt Lake City.

Oh. It was so good
to see you.

But I may be
coming back.

How's that now?

Well, I'm mainly here to
interview for Trumple's job,
Police Chief.

Dude, that's amazing.

You should totally be Chief.
You could endorse Leslie.

I would definitely
endorse Leslie.

You don't have to.
There's a lot of
good candidates.

I think I'm going to
take a little go outside.

You look like
I could use
some company.

What?
What?

Would you like to
step outside with me
and catch up?

We have caught up.

We talked about San Diego
and about the six bad guys.

I think we're good.

I could take
a little jaunt with you.

No, I don't want that.

Well, I'm already...
I already said
I'm going to go.

So I guess I'm
a man of my word.
I'm going to go.

Take your time.

DAVE: Okay. Thank you.

Okay. Honestly,
how do you think I'm doing?

Because I feel like
we're getting along...

He said he's
still in love with me.
...pretty well.

What's that?

When you were in the bathroom,
he said he was
still in love with me.

Oh, my God.
Leslie, he's a cop.

He's in love with you
and he has a g*n.

Can you just not freak out?
I'm not freaking out.

Okay.
I'm not freaking...

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
I know. That's... I know.

It was raining out,
so I didn't
want to get wet.

I got some hot tea
with honey.

Good for the voice.
I recommend you all try it.

Mine's really
just a cup of honey
because tea is gross.

And here's the thing.
We're going to
start from scratch.

We're going to get rid
of this whole sucky vibe.

I'm thinking we could...

(WHOOPS)
To the man!

I was thinking,
like, a crazy
rock star vibe.

See where
her head's at?

Follow her lead.

That was amazing.

Next thing, I want to
hear how all of us
sing on our own,

so we can figure out
where we're going wrong.

This is not an audition,
so relax.

But if you don't sing good,
you're out of here.

I think you sound
like an angel

and everyone else
sounds like demons.

I think you
shouldn't whisper.

Yeah, Ann's mad at me now
but I have a few tricks
up my sleeve.

I don't want to brag,
but I have a ton of experience

with women being mad at me.

Chris, you're first.
Sing. Anything you want.

Let me hear it.
Okay.

(SINGING) Take me out
to the ball game

Take me out to the game

I just want to be
at the game

I would like to
eat at the game

I'd like popcorn and candy
and the home team at the game

Boom.

Here's the check,
as you requested.

Here's my credit card.
Quick, now.

The check?
Yeah.

You like dessert.
Why didn't you
get a dessert?

Oh, dessert is
overrated and gross.

Dave, thank you so much
for a lovely evening.

Actually, Ben, would you mind
if I talked to Leslie alone?

Actually, Dave,
I'd like to talk to you.

Well, I don't want to
talk to you.
I want to talk to Leslie.

Well, I want to talk to you.
And if not, then I'd
like to talk to Leslie.

Well, I'd like
to talk to Ben.

And then,
I'd like the three of us
to talk together.

Well, then, I'll talk to Ben,
and then you,
and then I'll talk to you.

And then you'll talk
to each other,

and then we'll
all three talk, then.

All right.

So who's talking now?

Catch your dream

Don't let it spread
its wings and fly away

Stop the song!
Stop the song right now.
Please, stop it!

Oh, for (BLEEP) sake.

Ann,
I caught feelings for you.

And I want you
to be my girl.

And I don't care
who knows.

I know you don't care,
dummy. I care.

Let's not get
hung up on
who wants what.

You know what?
I'm calling this.
We're done.

What about
our next date?

If you want another date,
keep walking away.

She's still walking.

I need you to know something,
man to man.

I still have
feelings for Leslie,
in a womanly fashion.

And I believe she feels
the same towards me,

in a manly way.

She doesn't
feel the same way.

Because
she has a boyfriend.

Me. And we love
each other.

That information is...
It's not pertinent,
frankly, at this juncture.

I just said to you one thing.
And you're contriring me.

I don't think
that's a word.

I think we'd all
appreciate it if you would
just let me have

three minutes
with her alone.

Consequently, I'd like
you to clear the area.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to
give my blessing
for you to go

and try and win
my girlfriend away
from me.

I think that
that's reasonable.

Okay.

Okay, and I want to
thank you.

I want to thank you
for having this
talk with me, man.

Oh, well,
thank you.
Thank you very much.

What are you doing?
I'm doing that.

Are you serious?

You brought it
on yourself.
What?

I got something
I've got to say to you.

Where's Ben?
He left.

He left?

Yeah, he said,
"I've got somewhere
important to go,

"and I don't
respect her as a woman."

He said that.

And then he acted
more effeminate than
he does in front of you.

Just, look. I've got
some something to say.

And it's emotional.
And it's important.
I need 30 seconds.

Okay. What?
Go ahead. What is it?
Okay.

Romance...
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I have to pee
really bad, ironically.

What were
you thinking?

I was thinking
that I would cuff him

and then I could have time
to speak to you.

And that you would
decide to be with me,

and then I would
come back here

and we would
un-cuff him together.

Can you just
un-cuff him, please?

I'm sorry.

Would you look at that?

Nature is
throwing me a bone.

Haverford Playbook
move number two.

Ladies love a guy
waiting for them
in the rain.

(VOCALIZING)

(SINGING) Like a memory of

I never thought I'd
say this to you, son,

but you may be
over-thinking this.

The song has to
be perfect, Ron.

Okay? Leslie
trusted me with it.

I can't come up
with some brilliant
political idea, can I?

This is the
only way I can help.

Maybe if I hit my head
against the ground.
That's worked before.

Leslie is going to love it.
I promise.

No offense, Ron,
but what do you
know about music?

(GRUNTS)

Hey. Take a walk.

Clear your head.
I bet it does you some good.

Ann?

Boo Boo?

I don't want to say
"I told you so."

But...
What?

I was the one
who didn't want to go.

I know. I was hoping
you wouldn't remember.

I'm sorry.

He was a very
important person to me

and it mattered to me
that he liked you,
which is silly.

Let's just go home.

No. We're going
to Trumple's thing.

No. Let's not go there.
I don't care
about the endorsement.

And I don't want to
put you through
this anymore.

You don't care
about the endorsement?

Leslie, let's not
let your terrible
decision-making

get in the way
of this election.

What happened to you?

I was waiting outside
in the rain for you.

Because I thought
you would come out
and be like,

"Oh, he's all wet.
That's so romantic."

But you didn't.

And now
I've got the sniffles.

What on earth
would make you think
I would like that?

Movies.

Oh, God, Tom.

Why do you have to be
so you all the time?

I'm sorry.

Will you help me get out
of these wet clothes?

Hey. Want a beer?
Oh, okay.

If you're driving,
I can't give you a beer.

Oh. Well, then,
no, thank you.

It's a celebration, man.
You have to have a drink.

I'll definitely
have one.

Don't make a mistake
you'll always regret.

Please just tell me
what you want me to do.

So, if you move here,
I hope we can be friends.

But I love Ben
and he comes first.

And if you're going
to act like an ass,
I can't talk to you, ever.

Okay, that's fair.

I'm sorry.

That was dumb,
all that stuff I did.
You just, you make me crazy.

And I guess I'm
just surprised that,
you know,

that's the guy you
fell in love with.
He's very...

Well, he's shrimpy.
And he's small.

Shrimpy or not,
he's smart and he's cute
and he's kind and he's funny.

He's got a great face
and nice hair, and he's...

Okay, that's...
I get it. I surrender.

I just want to
know that you're happy
and you're protected.

I'm very happy.
And he's not shrimpy.

A few weeks ago,
a guy called me
a bitch in a bowling alley,

and he punched
him in the face.

Well, good man.

I mean him,
for doing that.

Not the guy who
called you a bitch.

You tell me where he is.
I'll punch him, too.

All right, guys.
Here's the deal.

We've got to
completely start over.
I wrote a new song.

It's called The Promise
of Tomorrow's Wings.

It's brilliant,
about a billion times better
than Catch Your Dreams,

which I realize now
sucks ass.

Hey, Chuck. Go ahead
and just delete everything,
all right?

RON: Hold on, Chuck.

Just listen to the song
one more time
and then make a decision.

(SONG PLAYING)

Where is that
saxophone coming from?

I don't know.

I don't know
the first thing
about music.

(SINGING)
And shackle it to your heart

Is that a new mix?
It sounds way better.

See? You just needed
to clear your head.

Hey. You guys,
who is this?

This looks just like...

Ow, that was loud.

I am telling you
that Leslie,
in the long run,

is so much better for
this police department
than Bobby Newport is.

(POLICE ALL YELLING)

No, no! It's paper.
I was reaching for paper.

It's all right, boys.

Leslie has a plan to
raise cops' pensions
and increase benefits

without cutting back
on hours.

Newport's just
going to keep on

buying you guys
a couple of new cars

or some new uniforms,
as always.

That guy is all about
short-term solutions.

Pretty sweet sauce
in there, eh, Ace?

What's wrong with you?
I don't know.

LESLIE: Trumple gave me
the endorsement,
which is great.

But really,
the only endorsement
that matters is Ben's.

And I locked that
sucker up
a long time ago.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, I'm about

to endorse 10 beers
into my mouth

because this has been
an incredibly
stressful evening.

Nice work, guys.
Hey, a little tradition.

After Mouse Rat records,
someone buys me booze.

Who's it
going to be?

All right, look.
I know I messed up.

But there's something
I've got to say to you.

No playbook. No gimmicks.
Just me, Tom,
talking to you as a person.

Okay. I would like that.
Good.

Because this is what
I really want to say.

Baby,
I'm sorry for how I acted

But if you give
me another chance

I could be the boo
of your dreams, girl

So when you're sleeping
and you're dreaming of a boo

I want that boo to be me

I want me to be that boo

So will you date me?
I'm saying...

Okay.
Yes, fine,
fine, fine. Yes.

I will.
I will go out with you.

Enough. Please!

Really?
Yes.

Dude, you wore me down.
Just stop singing. Please.

The four sweetest words
in the English language.

"You wore me down."

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Oh, hey, Dave.
Go ahead.

Go ahead.
No, that's all right.

No, no, no.

You're waiting.
It's your turn.

No. No, I'm not.

You're not waiting.

No.

It feels like you're...

It feels to me
like you're being

overly respectful
of all these cops,

and you're letting
them go in all
in front of you.

No, no, no.
I'm just standing here.

Why would you be
standing just here?

I was just checking...
Get in that. Go in!

Thank you so much.