05x06 - Ben's Parents

[bunniefuu]

It's so beautiful

- and sparkly.
- I know.

And it's a nonconflict diamond.

When Andy proposed to me,
he gave me a ring pop,

but then he ate it first.
How did Ben do it?

Let me start
from the beginning.

- Uh-oh.
- In 1832,

Ben's great-great-great-great-
grandfather, Teodore Wyatt,

a bastard, met a beautiful
seamstress from Antwerp.

Ben and I are getting married,
and I've been telling

everybody about it.

I'm so happy, I want
to shout it from the rooftops.

And she has.

We've gotten
several noise complaints.

- We're getting married!
- All right.

Mm, the joy
that I am feeling

right now is profound
and unmatched in the modern era.

And I can't tell you
what it means to me

that I'm the very first person
that you chose to tell.

Oh--

Let me walk around
with you

as you tell everyone else

so that I can share true joy
being spread, please?

Hey, everyone!

We have something
very exciting to tell you

that you have
never heard before.

- Ben and I are engaged...
- What?

And you're hearing about it

for the very first time
right now.

[All cheering]

Come on, everybody!
How about a little excitement?

Leslie and Ben
are engaged!

Nothing will ever come
between them!

[All cheering]
Leslie and Ben are--

[Laughs]
What's going on?

Leslie and Ben are engaged!

[Gasps]
Again?

- You guys!
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah!

[Grunts]
Aah!

[Triumphant music]

- Okay, T-minus six hours
until the engagement party.

Has you-know-who
responded yet?

Surprisingly, no,
Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet.

Well, he kind of waits
until the last minute.

That's his style.
Put him down as a "maybe."

- Are you excited?
- Yeah, totally.

I-I just have
two small requests.

One, put Twizzlers
on the candy table,

and two,
cancel the party

because you invited
my parents,

and they can't be
in the same room together.

Okay?
Great, thank you.

No to canceling the party,
and no to Twizzlers.

We are a Red Vines family.

You're gonna have
to get used to that.

I know you're scared,
but I love you,

and this party
is gonna go great.

Well, if there's anyone

who can bring my parents
together,

it's no one.

No one can ever
bring them together.

My family situation
is complicated.

My parents got divorced
30 years ago

and they hate each other.

Okay, I guess it's not
that complicated.

Okay! You guys pretend
you're Ron Swanson,

and you're trying to decide

whether you want
to invest in this company.

Be super critical.

You're short.

And here...we...go!

[Dance music]

Tom Haverford
and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein...

Creators
of Entertainment 720...

Proudly present...

Both: Rent A Swag!
- Wah!

Parents, are you tired
of watching

your middle-school-aged
children grow out

of the nice clothes
you buy for them?

Then rent them!
From Rent A Swag.

I own it.

You rent it.
You wear it.

You clean it.
You return it.

I get rich.
Wink!

Rent A Swag!

♪ Where your swag
is my business! ♪

Okay, stop.
You guys, stop!

Stop!

♪ And your business
is my swag ♪

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please..

There's actually
a lot more,

but tell us
your thoughts so far.

It's the greatest thing I've
ever seen in my entire life.

- Yes!
- No! It's terrible.

It's terrible,
you guys.

I love you, baby.
You're so smart.

You're presenting this
to Ron Swanson.

Don't talk about any
of your old, failed businesses,

get rid
of that stupid light show,

and definitely don't use
any weird, made-up words

that Ron doesn't understand.

But the presentation's
tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

We don't have time
to start from scratch.

Well, if you do any of that,
he's not gonna invest, so...

Your funeral.

Hey!
I'm glad you're here.

Let's go over the plan.

Okay, you and I go stargazing
in Harvey James park,

while my parents
slowly strangle each other

in the living room.

- No.
Your mom arrives at 7:00.

We hand her a glass
of chilled white wine,

and, oh, look,
my mom is walking over,

and they're both
educators and mothers.

What a fabulous coincidence.

Then later, Stephen Wyatt
shows up--that's your dad.

Yes.
He's terrifying.

We make some small talk,

and 30 minutes later,

I show everybody
the big surprise.

The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt.

Ben and I are weaving
our lives together,

so I have woven this quilt.

It represents every member
of our new united family.

Of all my metaphorical
art projects,

this is by far
the coziest.

- This is amazing.
- I know.

I worked really hard on it.

And, out of respect,

I did not include any images
of the only other man

in the world
who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden.

- Yes, you did, right there.
- Hmm?

Oh, well,
that's just a little one.

The point is, this quilt is
going to unite the Wyatt clan.

It's beautiful,
and it won't.

[Chattering]
[Tapping glass]

Everyone,
before everyone else gets here,

I'd like to make
a little toast.

My romantic life has been
a bit of a mixed bag lately.

And when that's the case,
it's hard not to be cynical

about love and relationships,
but it's couples like you

that give hope
to the rest of us.

Leslie, you deserve the best,
and you found it.

Ben, don't you dare hurt her.
[Laughter]

I won't.

Don't laugh.
She means it.

Okay, I-I won't.

Seriously, son,
don't hurt her.

Okay, I'm not planning
on hurting her.

- You better not be.
- I'm not!

Hey, Ben,
you best watch yourself.

Why would any of you think
I would hurt Leslie?

You're all my friends too.

Nah.

This was literally

the most beautiful
and moving thing

that I have ever heard.
[Cries]

There, there,
baby boy.

Take all the time you need.
[Cries]

Well, sure, in a wrestling
match, Kirk would win.

But overall, who would you
rather have at the helm

of your
Sovereign-class starship?

Jean-Luc Picard.
No contest.

Hey, your mom's here.
I need you.

Thank God.

- There's my boy!
- Hey, Mom.

Nice to see you.

This is Leslie Knope,
my fiancee.

Hi. It's--it's really nice
to finally meet you, Ms. Wyatt.

Oh! Please call me Julia.

Is your father here yet?

- No fighting tonight, Mom.
- Don't worry!

I'm going to be civil,
as long as he is.

Frankly, after what he did
at Geoffrey's graduation--

Oh, I have some white wine
for you, some Chardonnay.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Right this way.
[Laughter]

[Laughs nervously]

- Hey, you guys, come on in.
- Thank you.

[Cries]

Ann.

Hey.

You all right, man?

The toast that you gave
to Ben and Leslie

was so beautiful,

and I'm feeling very raw
from my therapy.

I am so happy...
And so sad.

It's like a perfect storm
of emotions.

And so I'm hiding out here,
so I don't ruin this party

for my two amazing
best friends

who I love so much.

Oh!

There's no more tissue.

- Everything ends! [Cries]
- No, no, no.

No, there's more tissue.

- There's--
- Everything goes away.

And I said,
rules or no rules,

I just have to kiss
that beautiful face.

[Chuckles]

Well, that's
a Knope woman for you.

When we see something adorable,
we att*ck it.

He is adorable,
isn't he?

You chose well, Benny.

Aw, thank you.

So far, so good.

I'll admit it.

Things are going
surprisingly well.

Yeah.

And pack it up.
It's over, we're screwed.

He brought his girlfriend?

He wasn't supposed
to bring his girlfriend, Ben.

Oh, Ben!

Your father brought
his little plaything.

- Hiya, Benny.
- Hey, Dad, hi.

- [Laughs]
- Hi.

[Smack]
Unh.

Hi, Ulani.

Thought you weren't coming.

Ulani is my girlfriend,
and she's important to me,

and I need her here.

Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie.
What a wonderful surprise.

We're so happy
that you're here.

What the hell, Steve?
They didn't know I was coming?

We didn't know
it was spring break. [Chuckles]

Okay, thanks, everybody,
for coming.

I'm so sorry
you all have to go home.

Hey, Red Vines anyone?

We're a Twizzlers family.

Okay, we are off to a rocky start,

but we are gonna fix this.

Yes, we will.
I called a cab.

It's outside.

I gave the driver 100 bucks
to sit and wait,

so whenever
we're ready to go--

like, maybe right now--

all we have to do
is walk outside.

No, I want to be here now,
with you and your parents.

Help me make this work.

Okay, fine.
Best thing to do is

distract them
with innocuous talk

- about the stuff they care about.
- Great, like what?

Well, they're white people
from Minnesota,

so hockey, fishing, skiing,
sailing, and after a few drinks,

put on a Prince album.

Don't mention
the Green Bay Packers

or the state of Iowa.
And also,

I have enough
frequent flyer miles

to get us to Australia
tonight.

- Everything okay?
- Uh, slight speed bump.

Everything is terrible,
but I am going to fix it

with my secret w*apon.

- [Cries]
- Okay, well I will make sure

that everything else
runs smoothly.

Ann, you are such
a good friend.

You are a beautiful, talented,
brilliant, powerful musk ox.

Thank you, ox,
for keeping this ship afloat.

You got it.

Guys, I need your help,
okay?

Chris is in the back room,
and he's crying.

Go in there, calm him down,
make him feel better.

Leslie and Ben have enough
to deal with, okay?

Thank you.
Wait, why is Chris crying?

- Uh, he's emotional.
- Wait, why is Chris emotional?

Because he's
in therapy right now,

and it's dredging up
a lot of stuff for him.

Wait, wait,
like what kind of stuff?

Like, I don't know,
his friends are getting married,

and he's not
dating anyone.

Why isn't
he dating anyone?

Yeah, why don't you
date him?

Because I'm dating myself
right now, okay?

I'm--I'm trying to figure out
how to make me happy.

Ugh, why is it always
about you, Ann?

Self-centered much?

Just go, okay?
Thank you.

- Ron in 60 seconds.
- Tom.

I haven't seen you tonight.

I've been working
on my presentation.

I just came by
to congratulate Leslie,

and then I'm heading back.

I admire
the work ethic.

I'm always looking
for new investments.

Ever since I got my first job
at the age of nine,

I have put
all my money into gold,

which is currently
at an all-time high.

So I have
a certain amount of money.

I've said too much.

Looking forward
to tomorrow.

Yes...
About that.

I was wondering, is there
any chance we could reschedule?

I just want to make sure
everything is up

to my world-class "standees."

I like to keep
my appointments, son,

and I like others
to do the same.

Of course, yes.
No problem, 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

I think you're gonna be
very impressed

with our presentation.

"Our presentation"?
Who else is joining you?

Ricka ricka ricka ricka!

[Imitating DJ scratching]

[Whispering]
Swanson.

- Jean-Ralphio.
- That's me.

I didn't realize
you were a part of this.

Of course he is.
He's my business partner.

Both: [inhale sharply]
Shh! Clean!

Business partner,
now and forever.

Hold up!
Forever 21.

21-g*n salute.
Salute your shorts.

Kaboosh!

I just free-associated
all over the "mousse-tache."

That's just one
of many skills he brings

to this business partnership.

What are those, shrimp?
Ah!

Okay.
Rethink that move, son.

Let's just drive back.
I feel weird.

Steve, you like sailing,
right?

Not any more, since Julia
got the boat in the divorce

and then sold it
to a scrapyard

because she's terrible.

Well, at least
you don't have to deal

with all that boat upkeep now,
right, huh?

Yech, no thankee.

Let's talk about something
other than sailing.

Why don't you head
in the other room?

I have a surprise that--
there she goes.

There's a surprise for you,
so, um, head on in.

I don't like surprises.

Okay, look,
you gave it a try,

but this quilt thing
is not going to work.

Ben, on three separate occasions,

I have used a quilt
to mend fences.

In ninth grade,
a quilt ended an argument

between my two best friends,

and a quilt settled

the Donna-Jerry
parking lot feud of 2006.

What was the third time?

Right [Bleep] now.

Okay, I still don't think
it's gonna work,

but I am really attracted
to you right now.

I know.
Let's do this.

[Knock at door]

Police, open up!
We have a warrant!

Just kidding, it's us.

- Ha, we got you!
- Andy and April.

We have someone
who wants to see you!

Champion!

Come here.
Hey, big boy.

You are such
a brave, good dog,

with so much spirit.

You've overcome so much.

You are the most wonderful dog
in the whole world.

And I am so happy for you.

[Sobbing]

Okay, everyone, I have
a surprise for all of you.

Voila!

[Both gasping]
The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt!

It represents our two families
coming together,

and there is a personalized
square for each member

of our joint family, see?

- Sweetheart, this is lovely.
- Thanks, Mom.

Where's my square?

Well,
you're not technically--

- Not technically what?
- Not technically an adult.

This is a very thoughtless
omission, Leslie,

and as far as I'm concerned,
if there's no Ulani square,

this is not
a legitimate unity quilt.

- Oh, that old Chestnut.
- Okay.

I will make
an Ulani square.

Very, very easy.
Okay.

Look, this is your square now.

What does "Ulani" mean?

"Cheerful."

Sure.

All right.
Look at that.

Unity! It's that simple.
All we had to do was--

I don't want her name
on my quilt.

It's not your--
it's everyone's quilt.

It's a unity quilt.

I think it's mean that
you didn't do a square for me.

It's a disaster
is what it is.

You can say that again,
Steve.

See, Ben,
they're agreeing.

It's working.

Okay, I'm thinking

we junk everything
except the mannequins.

Ron's gotta see how dope
the outfits are.

That's the business.

Why are we going to Ron?
Ron should be coming to us!

We created
Entertainment 720.

Which was
a huge failure.

I don't know--

Look, a bank's
not gonna give us a loan,

and Ron loves
my entrepreneurial spirit.

Trust me, he's our best chance
at getting start-up money.

I hear that.
Let's go clubbing.

No, we gotta work.

Didn't you hear me say
we gotta junk

most of the presentation?

Tommy, I will always
be there for you,

no matter what,
but right now,

I cannot be there for you
because I have to go.

I hate to say this, but...

Sometimes you've gotta work
a little,

so you can ball a lot.

That was beautiful.

That changed me.
I'll give you ten minutes.

You have to try
to eat something, okay?

Mmm!
Wow, that's amazing.

See? There you go.

This one's not as good.

All right, Chris,
here's the plan.

I'm just gonna list off
happy things

until you're cheered up.

Pizza, the beach,
rock and roll music--

- and I'll list terrible things
to bring you back down.

Smallpox,
botched surgery,

snails crawling
out of your mouth.

This is weirdly working.
It's evening me out.

- Okay, keep going, keep going.
- Laughter.

Snails crawling
out of your mouth.

- The beach.
- Snails crawling out

- out of your mouth.
- Cute cats.

Snails crawling
out of your butt.

Dave Matthews Band.

Dave Matthews Band.

Look, Dad, Leslie worked
really hard on this,

so can you just cool it
for, like, 30 seconds?

Sure, I can.

But your mother can't.
See?

She's ruining your quilt,

just like she ruined
our marriage!

Mom!

Oh, I didn't know
we could cut that.

It had to be done, Ben.

It absolutely
did not have to be done.

Look, champagne!

Yeah, why don't we
just forget about the quilt

- and just raise a glass?
- Yes! Toasts are fun.

They usually signify
the end of a party.

Here you are, Ulani.

I'm good, thanks.

Oh, by all means,
go ahead and take it, Ulani.

Or, wait, are you even
old enough to drink?

Yes, Julia, I am,

but I can't
because I'm pregnant.

You're what?

- Oh, boy.
- [Whines]

I didn't mean
to steal your spotlight,

but the cat's
out of the bag.

Young Ben is going to have
a new baby sister, huh?

Still f*ring b*ll*ts, son.
[Laughs]

I cannot be
in the same room as him.

What about the wedding?

I'm talking
about the wedding.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wyatt family.

It's like the w*r of the Wyatts out there!

- I mean, it's so brutal!
- Oh, my God.

Were you and Dad
ever like that?

Well,
like any married couple,

honey, your father and I
fought occasionally,

and sometimes
he won the argument,

and sometimes I won.

But usually, we forgot
what we were arguing about

and just had sex.

- La la la la la.
- Anyway, the important thing

is that we always ended up
on the same team.

And in the same bed.

[Groans]

God, I miss that man.

How can you be so wise
and so inappropriate

at the same time?

I'm a parent.

[Sighs]

I can't figure out how to phrase
this mission statement.

Let me get a sh*t at it.

I'm actually pretty good
at this stuff.

[Whistles]
[Keyboard clicking]

See?

You just googled,
"Amanda Bynes side boob."

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?
Why is your safesearch on?

That is amateur hour, Tom.

Listen, we've been at this
for an entire evening.

I say, why don't
we cut our losses?

If it was such a good idea,
we would be millionaires by now.

Hello.

Look, man,
I believe in this idea.

Do you?

You know
I love you, but...

I don't think you're as serious
about this business as I am.

Oh, yeah, no,
I'm definitely not.

[Soft music,
indistinct chatter]

[Clears throat]

[Sniffs]

Hey, I got your text.
What are you doing?

I grabbed all of the brownies
from the dessert table

and four bottles of wine.

Get in the car.
We're going to Australia.

- Leslie--
- I am so sorry for everything.

I love you,
and I want to be on your team.

I am on your team,
but I think that

our team should be
far away from here.

Normally, I would get
in the cab with you,

but I am so sick of them
ruining everything,

and I really liked
that unity quilt.

- It was a good quilt.
- It was an awesome quilt.

Look, my parents are insane,

but they need to be
at our wedding.

You know what?

It's time for this team

- to come up with a new plan.
- I agree.

Phase one of our new plan,
you get in the backseat

of this cab, and we hardcore
make out for 15 minutes.

I would love
to do that.

I'm just not sure if the driver
would be okay with it.

For another 100 bucks,
you can do whatever you want.

Let's do this.

[Sniffing]

Swan song!

What up, my man?

- Ow, are you kidding me?
- Jean-Ralphio.

I thought you and Tom were
working on your presentation.

No, I decided it was best
if I took my talents elsewhere.

- Do you know what I mean?
- You abandoned your friend?

God, no.
He fired me, straight up.

Talked about how I
wasn't serious enough

about the project,

how he needed to grow up.

Anyway, I have an amazing
investment idea for you.

Condoms with pictures
on them.

- Pass.
- Good. Smart.

I think you made
the right decision.

Take care.

Oh. Chris?

Seems like the storm has passed.
Indeed it has.

I can't believe that I spent
the entire party in a room

being happy-sad
on a night that means so much

to my two best friends.

I mean,
you're going through a lot.

You need to purge all this stuff
that's been building up.

This lesbian nurse
is right, Chris.

You can't keep it
all bottled up.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe all of my emotions

tumbling out like this means
that I can get a clean start.

Well, for that,
you're gonna have to visit

the bathroom first.

- Right?
- No.

- [Laughs] Ann Perkins!
- Nope.

You are, without a doubt,
the queen of toilet humor.

That's all
I ever wanted to be.

This was supposed to be
a happy occasion.

You were
supposed to come here,

celebrate your son's engagement,
maybe bury the a*?

And not
in each other's back.

But it did not
work out that way.

So here is the new plan.

I don't expect you
to like each other,

but you have to come
to the wedding, okay?

We'll seat you far away
from each other.

You don't even
have to socialize.

Yeah, in fact,
we insist that you don't.

But you do have
to show up

and tell us
that you had a great time.

That's the deal.

You can either take it,
or you can take it.

I can take it.
I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too, Benny.
- Sorry. Whatever.

Aw,
what a beautiful apology.

- Julia...
- Guys.

Both: Sorry.

Ben's parents are insane,

but he is not.
He's amazing.

And that's all that matters.

I guess he might
become insane as he ages.

I should keep an eye out
for that.

Also, for the record,
my unity quilt worked.

So technically, I am three
for three with unity quilts.

We only have
30 bucks left.

Let's go.
Oh, okay.

Get ready, driver.
[Engine turns over]

We're gonna make out so hard
in the back of your cab.

Are you okay, son?
Did you get any sleep?

Uh, not really.
I stayed up most of the night.

But that's not important.
[Exhales sharply]

Let me tell you
about Rent A Swag.

- Now--
- No need, Tom.

I'm in.

I like doing business
with serious people,

and when you removed yourself
from the company of that moron,

you showed me
you're a serious person.

- You have your start-up money.
- Wow.

I appreciate it.
[Door opens]

Tommy "T"!

You just missed the craziest
of crazies.

Clubs. Girls. Dancing.

Naked. Mom? Argument.

Police. Fleeing the scene.
Hiding in a Dumpster.

Coming here.

Crashing on your couch
for a week 'cause

♪ technically,
I'm homeless ♪

Hey, "mousse-tache."
I'ma hit the couch.

You know where I be.