05x10 - Two Parties

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Hotate, hi.

Thank you for coming.

Would you like some water?

Water?
Like fire water?

That's r*cist,
and I do not appreciate it.

No, no, no, no, no.
I-I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant, you know--

I'm just messing with you.

Oh, my God!

He's funny.
This guy's funny.

- He does that sometimes.
- But seriously.

I'll have a whiskey.

Ken Hotate is the leader
of the Wamapoke people,

and we are trying
to get them involved

in our Pawnee Commons project.

Ken and I get along great.

But historically,
Pawnee's relationship

with the Wamapoke
has been more...

m*rder-y.

What about--and I'm just
spit-balling here--

a large neon advertisement
for the Wamapoke casino?

We have a new slogan
that I'm quite proud of:

"Our slots
are downright filthy."

I think it's a slam-dunk idea.
I think we're done here.

I don't--
I don't think we are.

I don't know if we could
put that in a public park.

In that case,
the playground will be great.

Why don't we retire
to my longhouse

and smoke the ceremonial
peace pipe to celebrate?

- Is he joking?
- I don't know.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Best Man
and Bachelor boy.

Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor,

are you ready
for the bachelorette party?

Uh, more than ready.

We've got dancing,
Jell-o sh*ts,

private karaoke,

and anything
that can be penis-shaped

will be penis-shaped.

- Ohhh!
- What?

As Leslie's maid of honor,

I really need her
bachelorette party to go well.

Which is why I'm stress-eating
gummy penises.

What are you losers doing
for your bachelor party?

I told Ben he could do
whatever he wants.

Sky is the limit.

We have Haverford,
Swanson, Dwyer--

Jerry forced his way
in there somehow--

things are bound to get crazy.

The game is Settlers of Catan.

The object is be the first
to build a civilization

on this fictional island.

I can't believe
this is what you want to do

for your bachelor party.

Look, guys, we don't have to play
this game if you don't want to.

I mean, I'm nationally ranked,

so it isn't even really fair.

Ben, this is your night.

We do what you want to do.

Come on, let's play.

I'm not a big bachelor party
kind of guy,

so when the guys asked me
what my perfect night would be,

I told them the truth--
beer and board games.

They thought I was kidding.

I was not kidding.

Is this gonna be one of
those cool bachelorette parties

where things get out of control
and we m*rder someone,

and then we all have to take
a blood oath

to never reveal our secret?

No.

Then I might have
to leave early.

What the hell?

Well, well, well.

Don't you ladies look nice...
For once?

Just kidding. I've actually always
been attracted to this one.

Jamm, what the hell
are you doing?

We're laying the groundwork
for Pawnee's newest restaurant.

"Future home of Paunch Burger.

Start drooling, fatties"?

Look, the deal was
that both of us

had three months to get
our proposals together,

and then we put it
up for a vote.

- We still have two weeks left.
- Yeah, that's true.

However, here's the problem.

Turns out, I don't care.

You can't stop this train.

Make all the ruckus you want.

By the time
this all gets cleared up,

the people will be frothing
at the mouth for that beef.

Aw, sweet!
A new Paunch Burger.

Their burgers will k*ll you!
They're full of wasps!

Yeah, but they taste real good.

Yes, they do, sir.

Once again, open invitation.

I'm still technically married,
but my wife knows the deal.

Ugh.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's this?

Seven contiguous segments,
giving me longest road

and a sweet-ass ten points
for the win.

Oh, booyah!

Okay.
All right.

Guys, come on over here.
Gather round.

I want to propose a toast.

To our new Lord of Catan,

Ben Wyatt, a great friend

and a wonderful man.

May you and Leslie find
eternal happiness together.

- Hey.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Thanks, you guys.
Thanks for indulging me.

Hey, you want to stick around?

I got a bunch
of Homeland episodes

burning a hole in my DVR.

No!

I'm sorry. On principle,
I cannot stand idly by

and watch a bachelor party
peter out like this.

Now, I know you said no strippers
'cause they make you sad.

Correct.

Then let's go get a drink
at Essence.

It's the hot new bar
in Eagleton.

Things Magazine said
it's the next big thing.

But, Tom, this is Ben's night.

Oh, believe me,
if the group's happy, I'm happy.

- I'd go.
- If you guys spot me.

- It sounds expensive.
- Just so you know,

it's not your typical bar.

They specialize
in molecular mixology.

It's kind of like
an experimental new way

to consume alcohol.

Son, there's no wrong way
to consume alcohol.

Here's your Bud light.

- I ordered a beer.
- That is a beer.

And here's your Nimbus Martini.

May I go ahead and chisel
your aromasphere?

Please!

This is the wrong way
to consume alcohol.

Whoa,
that's a pretty stiff cloud.

- Who ordered the Scotch?
- Right here.

Hold out your hands, please.

What's happening?

Oh, this is
a sort of play on Scotch.

It's a whiskey-infused lotion.

Can I ask
if this entire establishment

is a practical joke
of some kind?

If you don't like the Scotch,
they have a vodka

that's served in the form
of a flash of light.

Hey.

Having fun?

Well, four years of work
down the drain,

and I have a penis on my head.

Jamm is stealing this lot
right out from under us.

My dream is dead, Ann.
Mine too.

This is
why I prefer nightmares.

You are sad drinking right now,

and I need you
to be happy drinking.

Like when we watch
Grease together.

I know, Ann, but everything's
gonna disappear.

April's mini-dog park,
the Li'l Sebastian fountain,

even the Wamapoke playground.

Yet another piece
of Wamapoke land

plowed over by the white man.

Just try to forget about it.

I mean, there's nothing
you can do to stop them tonight.

For almost 200 years,
Pawnee repeatedly built

factories, restaurants,
and other stuff

on land held sacred
by the Wamapoke people.

So we passed a law

saying that
if any sacred Wamapoke artifact

is found on a development site,

all construction
must immediately stop.

It would be terrible
if that were to happen

on this future
Paunch Burger site.

Oh, this is bad.

I should not have done this.

Oh, I wonder who that is.

Well, if it isn't Babe Lincoln!

- Imagine that.
- Hello, ladies.

I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Who's the lucky Mary Todd?

Right here.
Right here.

Ah, ah, ah, me first.

Me first.
Oh, okay.

All right, tear it up, 16!

Emancipate them abs.

Come on, Ann, not now.

Come on, Leslie,
just loosen up.

I know for a fact

this is a sex dream you've had.

Looks like it's time

for the Gettysburg undressed!

Okay.

And we're gonna have
to stop now.

I'm sorry,
I'm just not in the mood

for historical nudity.

Please, Mr. President,
put your pants back on.

Ann, can I speak
with you privately?

Is your name Glenn?

- Yeah.
- I sat behind you in middle school band.

Do you still play the clarinet?

Yeah.

How have you been, man?

Man, if I ever have
a bachelor party,

I am definitely
coming back here.

You never had one before
you were married to Wendy?

No, it was
a green card wedding.

I did watch
the three-way sex scene

from Wild Things a few times

the night before,
but it didn't really count.

I never had
a bachelor party either.

Me and April, we got married
with no warning.

I didn't even have time

to take a shower
before my wedding.

Or after.

For, like, a week and a half.

Tammy One forbade me

from any kind of celebration,

and Tammy Two thwarted me
by calling in

a b*mb thr*at
to the steakhouse.

I didn't have one either!

Yeah, really,
it's a funny story.

So two weeks
before I married Gayle,

I had
an emergency appendectomy.

Boop! That's me hitting
the snooze button.

Don't talk again
for another ten minutes.

New idea!

Tonight, everyone
gets the bachelor party

they never had.

One activity per bachelor.

Welcome
to Tom's bachelor party,

held in a white airplane hangar
from the ice planet Hoth,

replete with dangling,
beautiful aerialists.

To Tom Haverford.

To Tom Haverford!

Hey, hey--
and to my bride, Rihanna.

We truly did find love
in a hopeless place.

Waiter, a round
of light-flash sh*ts

for me and my friends!

- Ohhh!
- Whoo!

Okay, so what happened?

Well, I buried a bunch of
Wamapoke artifacts in the dirt

so that people would find them

and have to stop developing
at the site.

You know, when I say it out
loud, it doesn't sound so bad.

- No, that's bad.
- Yeah, that's pretty uncool.

- Shut up, Glenn.
- I'm sorry, guys.

Councilman Jamm
was being sneaky,

and then I tried
to sneaky him back,

and it turned to crummy,
and I have to undo it.

I need your help.

- You don't mean--
- I do.

No.
I'm not doing that.

You guys, the penis hats cut
your digging time in half.

I'm serious.
Don't be afraid.

Use the penises.

Bachelorette party.

Whoo.

Perkins does it again.

You know, I met Gayle
right here at Sherm's.

- Mm-mm.
- She was slender.

Blonde hair, big breasts,
long legs.

Ugh, not my type at all.

And what was it, exactly,
that led to you two

hitting it off?

Was she ill,

or did your father
witness her father

committing a crime?

- Or was she temporarily blind--
- You know what?

All that matters is that you got
married, and you're happy.

So as all-time best man,

I suggest we raise a cone
to Jerry Gergich.

Jerry Gergich.

All: Jerry!
- Thank you.

- Aw, jeez.

No worries, Gary.

Oh, thanks, Sherm.

How did you have that
ready so fast?

I always make a backup cone.

He drops it
about half the time.

Andy, you're next.

Any activity in the world.
What would you do?

Well, mine's impossible.

I want to see a Colts game.

I want to see the Colts
b*at the Patriots 49 to nothing,

then I yell at Tom Brady
and make him cry,

then I hook up
with Dave Matthews,

and we play golden tee
for ten hours.

♪ A-la-la baby

That's a very specific
dream, son.

Hey, Jim, Chris Traeger.
I need a favor.

I'm dead.
I am dead.

And this is what heaven
is like.

I knew it.

Oh, this is
where they play the games!

You're up, Andy.

Hey, guys!
Guys, come on over here.

Andy, I want you to meet

Indianapolis Colts owner
Jim Irsay.

Andy,
good to meet you, my friend.

Thank you.
I love your team, sir.

I love them
like they're my own children.

You're big enough
to play football yourself,

it looks like to me.

I can't tell if you're joking,
but I hope you're not.

This whole place is yours.

Jim Irsay and I became friends

while volunteering to mentor
Indianapolis teens.

I gave them tours
of the state house.

Jim gave them Colts tickets
and autographed jerseys.

They preferred Jim.

Reggie Wayne.
I can't look at you,

Reggie Wayne.
Oh.

I got married in your jersey.
That's no joke.

That's weird.
But I respect that.

I'm a big fan,
Mr. Luck.

Okay, guy, settle down.

- Okay.
- Uh, Mr. Andrew Luck,

it's every groom's dream
to catch a touchdown pass

thrown by you.

Could you do me the honor?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Keep the spiral tight.

- I'll try.
- Okay.

Touchdown, Dwyer!

- Andy!
- Yeah!

- Whoo!
- See ya!

♪ Hey, yeah

♪ I wanna shoop, baby

♪ shoop, shoop-ba-doop

♪ uh, here I go here I go ♪

♪ Here I go again

♪ girls
what's my weakness? ♪

- ♪ Men
- ♪ Okay then

♪ uh
Ooh, let's call Ann real quick.

Rub it in.

Hello?

- Ann Perkins!
- Ann Perkins!

We're having
the time of our lives,

and I'm calling you
to rub it in!

- Whoo!
- Boom!

- Really.
- We went to an insane bar,

played football with the Colts.

- With the Colts!
- The Colts!

Football!

Now we're going
to a steakhouse.

What are you doing?

Uh, well, we're surrounded
by hot guys.

- We're surrounded by hot guys.
- Boom!

Oh, Donna just ripped off
a stripper's underwear

with her teeth.

- Whoo!
- Ann, who are you lying to?

- Shh.
- No!

Can I take a break?
My hands are tired.

Uh-uh.
We paid for an hour.

You gonna dig for an hour.

Gentlemen, welcome
to the Steak House of St. Elmo.

- Whoo!
- Yes!

Tonight we eat
something's flesh!

I want meat!

Jerry, are you sure
this is our table?

There's only four settings.

Excuse me, sir.
This is not your table.

Well, I thought you said
the Gergich party.

No, no, I said
the Gingrich party.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Damn it, Jerry.

But you know what?
Gingrich, Gergich.

I wonder if we're related.

I don't think so, Jerry.

Okay.

One rare porterhouse,

one rare sirloin,
and a rasher of bacon.

- Oh.
- It's the lord's work

you're doing, John.

I'd like four more glasses
of Lagavulin in liquid form.

That's not something
you really need to specify.

You'd be surprised.

So, bachelor boy,

how's it going with Diane?

Hmm.

I'm gonna be very candid
with you all.

I like her.

- Whoa!
- Wow!

Okay, okay, okay.

There are so many things
that I could say about Ron,

but I think
that the best man's speech

should represent the groom.

So I will just say...

To Ron.

- Oh, to Ron!
- To Ron!

To Ron.

Just perfect.
Perfect, Chris.

Here you are, sir.

And I thought you might
also like to know

that your meal has already
been taken care of

- by Mr. Hibbert.
- W-what?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Hey!
- Oh, whoa!

What's up, Jell-o sh*t?

- Hey, man.
- How's it going?

Roy Hibbert.
Entertainment 720 reunion.

Hey, Tom.

I am not paying for that guy.

He owes me a lot of money.

It's true.

- Coffee?
- Yes, please.

Take extra cream, 30 sugars.

I can't believe I tried
to exploit the Wamapoke

for my own personal gain.

Well, we got
most of the artifacts,

and even if we didn't,
they probably won't find them.

Yeah, and if they do,

you'll just go to jail.

But you can make wine
in your toilet

and fight people,

which is a super-cool way
to live.

Oh, my God.
Tweep.

I tweeped.
I called Tweep.

Look, I'm telling the truth
here, lady.

We haven't found
any American Indian artifacts.

Or regular Indian.

Japanese, Muslim, Jewish,

none of those weird countries.

- Weird countries?
- Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Wow, I'm so glad
that you're here.

What's going on? Nothing?

Found something!
There's other stuff too.

Arrowheads, more pottery.

I also found some weird-looking
gummy candy.

All right, shut it down.

This is a P.R. nightmare.

We can't do anything until the Indian
Affairs Commission weighs in.

This is f*cking bullshit.

Okay.

Lesie, Ken Hotate
is right over there,

you need to talk to him
before the meeting

and come clean.

He's gonna be so mad.

The zodiac k*ller
never confessed.

Why do I have to?

Leslie, I want the Pawnee
Commons as bad as you do.

Actually, that's not true.

You want everything
a thousand times more than I do.

But we do not want
to win this way.

Oh, April, I wish you weren't
right, but you are.

You have turned
into a very beautiful, wise,

and fertile
government employee.

Stop.

It's kind of weird
when she just starts

raining compliments
on you, huh?

Don't try to bond with me.

Can't win.

Hey, guys,
I had these T-shirts made.

They're not exactly
a summary of the party

- we ended up having.
- Whoa.

But they're a good memento.

Madness indeed.

I love this!

Usually you can only get
board game t-shirts in XXL.

I just remembered.

We left Jerry back at
the gas station in Martinsville.

I'll go get him.

Ah, that guy's the best.

I feel bad he didn't get
to have his moment last night.

Hey, you know what
we should do for him?

Yeah, get him a pet snake,
but I keep it.

What?

In 1921,
several Wamapoke families

were removed from their homes

so that Pawnee could install
a bumper car track.

In 1951, Pawnee made it
illegal for people to,

"Dance or smell
like a native American."

Why are you telling me
all this?

Well, I want to raise the bar
of awfulness

so that when I confess
something to you,

you have perspective.

Those artifacts found at lot 48

were placed there by me.

I wanted to delay construction
on the Paunch Burger

and buy some more time
for my park project.

That is not great.

It sucks.

I'm very, very sorry.

I have great respect
for the Wamapoke culture.

And this isn't even
about the Pawnee Commons.

I just hope that you
can forgive me, Ken.

Hey!

Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?

Congratulations. You have won
the award for Best Man.

Full disclosure--
I voted for Ryan Gosling,

but you came in a close second.

Now, you've never been married,

so you didn't get
your own bachelor party.

But let's look ahead.

The year is 2018.

America is thriving
under president Nick Cannon,

and tomorrow,
Chris Traeger's getting married.

Who's the lucky lady?

Maybe she's an upbeat gal
who's nuts about fitness.

Maybe she owns
a juice bar in Snerling.

Maybe it's April.
Maybe I die.

Skydiving expl*si*n.
Pbbbt.

And then you go marry April.

And it makes me sad,

but if she's gonna be
with somebody,

I'd like it to be you.

Strange, but sweet.

Only I didn't really die.
I was faking it.

And I come back.

I spy on you
from my red Corvette.

And I'm planning
to kick your ass,

but I see how happy
you make her,

and I have to walk away.

I have to.
And I do, slowly.

In a rainstorm.

Okay, this isn't really in the spirit
of what we're trying to do.

But as time goes by,
it eats away at me.

You're out living it up
with my wife.

And I'm alone.

In a cave.

Training.

Anyone else want to chime in?

I thought you were my friend.

I thought you were my friend!

Okay, what we're trying
to say is

that you are a great guy,

and someday,
you're gonna meet somebody

who's into all the same stuff
that you are.

You know, the old Chris
would've loved

this super-fit
health goddess

you guys are talking about.

But our great adventure
reminded me

that now I just want someone
that values

the important things
in life--

friendships, passion,
happiness.

And dimples are a plus.

Aw, that's sweet.

I forgive you, bro.
You take care of April.

After careful examination,

we have determined that
these Wamapoke artifacts

could not have originated
in lot 48.

Boom.
Knew it.

There's something else.

I would like to go
on record and say that--

Hold on, Ms. Knope.

Please.

I would like to go on record.

Speaking as a citizen
of Pawnee,

I do not like the way
you went back on your deal

with Councilwoman Knope.

It reminds me of what the settlers
of Pawnee did to my ancestors,

taking their land
without permission.

He really plays white people
like a fiddle.

Wow.

It's amazing to watch.

You and Leslie had a deal.

If that deal is not restored,

well, I believe
there are six Paunch Burgers

in the Wamapoke casino.

Perhaps it's time
that we revisited

those contracts.

Is that a thr*at?

Why, yes, I--
I thought that was obvious.

Take the sign down.

We'll wait
until everything's official.

In the spirit of fair play,

I suggest we put on these
authentic Wamapoke headdresses

and dance around the table.

Absolutely not.

That sounds highly offensive.

Does it, white man?

No.
It's not offensive.

- So let's do it.
- You first.

So clearly,
this is not offensive.

It is offensive.

- I am very sorry.
- Take it off.

Hey, Wyatt.

Oh, hey, Shauna.

So I was chasing this story,

but it seems like a dead end.

Then I heard about your crazy
rotating bachelor party.

Would you mind
if I wrote about it?

Sure.

But is that really news?

To me it is.

A group of good friends
having fun,

doing nice things
for each other.

I mean, that's what's important
in life,

and I want to write about it.

Hey, Chris.

Ben Wyatt.

And Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Hey, Shauna's doing a story
on our group bachelor party.

She said she wanted
to write stories

about good people doing
nice things for each other.

So I figured you two might have
a lot to talk about.

You may be right about that.

Do you have a second right now?

I have thousands of seconds.

Would you like to have lunch?

Are you a vegetarian?

A vegan?
A pescatarian?

Not that it matters.

- Um, I like burgers.
- Perfect.

Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh!

Three, ten, bullock!
Three, ten, bullock!

Give it to me.

How great a day was today?

Oh, God, I could die.

Greatest day of my life.

I met Andrew Luck today.

I met Reggie Wayne today.

And I met Jim Irsay.

I'm standing on the field.

Lucas Oil Stadium.

And I'm playing football
with my friends.

Cheering.