05x18 - Animal Control

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Animal Control.
Let me show you around.

Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or opossum.

Oh, this is a napkin
where I wrote down

a cool name for a dog.
"Bark Obama."

Right?

Is that--
what's happening here?

Oh. Yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.

We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,

like in the beginning
of The Flintstones.

Tougher than it looked, though.

We have a massive pest problem
in this town,

and it's because
the Animal Control Department

has been disaster...
at catching animals.

They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.

This place is a miserable suck hole
run by two pot-head losers.

It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.

Thanks!

It does seem to be
very poorly run,

but we've only been here
for two minutes.

There may be a method
to their madness.

There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

Four. There's four ways
to skin a cat.

- Ow! Ah! What is this?
- Regular blade--

- Coyote trap, dude.
- Ah! This hurts!

Yeah, we got, like,
a huge vermin problem.

I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,

but you know,
nobody get on the phone.

You're the people
you would be calling.

That is so trippy.

Ow! You're fired!
You're fired!

The whole department is fired.

Ow, this hurts!
This was one of my running feet!

- Yo, let's go to Jamaica.
- No, we should go to Jamaica.

Oh, is that what you said?

Yeah, dog.

Ron, you've been sweating
in here all day.

Are you drinking any fluids?

Yes, plenty.

No, you need to drink water.

Usually, I take it neat,

but I will make an exception
in the name of health.

Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls

in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.

The children were sniffling,

which I believed to be due
to the sad nature of the film.

I was wrong.

You need to take off
those layers,

rehydrate,
and go to the doctor.

Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.

Please turn the thermostat
up to 90 and leave me alone.

Ron, this isn't safe.

I am a grown man.

I have had a cold before,
I need no help,

so if you don't mind--

That seems about right.

Okay, pop quiz.
Name the scent.

Uh, "Spasm."
No, "Butter Face"!

- Very good!
- Yes!

I'm trying to get
more big companies

to donate
to the Sweetums Foundation,

and Tom got us a meeting
with Dennis Feinstein,

Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and cologne.

Oh!

Or possibly, insecticide.

Whew!

Dennis Feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth--

rappers, tech geniuses,
X Games medallists,

and of course,
"scent artists."

The man owns a Rolexus.

It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.

What's the point of that?

To have it, which he does.

Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.

Tom will flatter and schmooze
as only Tom can.

Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,

so you just watch and listen.

I had to pull a lot of strings
to get this meeting,

so please, no one embarrass me.

Ben, put on something decent,
like a tux.

Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.

I already took what I call
a "Dwyer shower."

I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.

New car.

Animal control
has long been a repository

for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.

Jerry Gergich
got his start there.

- Well.
- All right, well.

Yeah, so our new director
needs to be competent,

effective, and not completely
stoned all the time.

I'm way ahead of you there, girly.
I got the perfect guy.

Friend of mine,
bit of an alcoholic,

a little grabby, either
a w*r hero or w*r criminal,

depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.

- How do you know him?
- I do his teeth.

A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.

Gosh, Jeremy,
he sounds perfect.

- Are his gums great too?
- Oh, yeah.

They are excellent, beet red.

I was being sarcastic.

I think we should open this to
the floor for more discussion.

Uh, maybe you would like

to explain this to her, please?

Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just

kind of take turns
on departmental appointments.

Yeah, this one is mine,
then Dexhart, then you.

This whole place runs on dibs.

Are you kidding me?
You guys are all fine with this?

Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?

This is how departments
get mismanaged.

No. We are going to be
thorough.

I'm going to find a candidate,
and I encourage you all to do the same,

and then, we will interview
all of them.

Boring!

"Boring"
is my middle name, so...

my thoroughly vetted candidate

is going to blow your candidate
out of the water.

Oh, I guess I'm leaving.
Good to see you. Great meeting!

I'd like to object again

to being brought here
against my will.

Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.

Ron! You redacted
all the information.

- I answered some of them.
- For "date of birth,"

you wrote "springtime."

- Which is true.
- Everything you write down

is confidential.

We need you
to give real answers.

Fine.

How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?

- One.
- That's it, one drink?

One shelf.

- Do you exercise?
- Yes.

Lovemaking and woodworking.

Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?

I have an uncle who does yoga.

- Allergies?
- Cowardice and weak-willed men.

And hazelnuts.

Sexual history.

Epic and private.

Okay. I'm gonna go
get your doctor.

He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.

I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.

I don't like charity.
I don't get it.

Feels to me like
I'm giving money away,

and getting nothing in return.

Well, that's not true.

You can really help
your personal brand

if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.

If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.

Ay yi yi.

That's how much I'm worth,
20...million... dollars.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, he's disgusting,
but I want to take his money

and give it to needy people,

so I'm just gonna
keep on smiling. Yay!

People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.

- Huh.
- Like Bill Gates.

Have you ever
heard of Bill Gates?

He lives in Seattle,
guy with glasses.

Bill Gates?

I know who Bill Gates is.

Bill Gates is, like,
a super nerd.

Is this some sort of nerd thing?
Are you calling me a nerd?

Uh, he meant Mark Cuban.

Cuban?
Now, that's the kind of guy

I can hang out with--
Mark Cuban.

- Yeah.
- I'm interested now.

Keep talking.

Stay still.

"Don't think about
how much this itches."

That's very good advice.

I have to say, this is the greatest
search committee ever assembled

to find a new Animal Control
Department head.

Chris Traeger can do more
with one foot

than most people can do
with three.

I'm not going to lie to you.
I needed that.

I know.

- April Ludgate is beautiful...
- Stop.

- You are talented...
- No.

But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.

That's true.
It's because I'm half wolf.

Okay, Donna, you took
a look at all the resumes,

so send in the best candidate.

Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.

I have my cousin Jason's truck
for two more weeks.

I have one testicle--
whac-a-mole accident--

and I'm down to clown.

Harris, we know who you are.
I literally just fired you.

Oh, is this that job?
That's crazy! Never mind.

Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?

'Cause he's one
of only two applicants

with actual experience
at animal control.

Uh-ohh.
Does that mean--

What up?
Yo, my name is Brett.

I like burgers, and also,
I'm very high right now.

- Dude, this is hilarious!
- Oh, yo!

- We live together!
- Yo, we live in the same place!

- This is my boy!
- Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"!

You guys know why there are
all those cops out there?

Where are the cops at?

- I gotta go.
- Yo.

A lot of charities waste their money
on overhead,

but we at the Sweetums Foundation,

- spend our money wisely.
- Okay.

- You know what? Shut up.
- All right.

You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes

and I'm feeling pretty generous,
so why don't we

take this conversation
to the Pawnee Smokehouse?

Dumb-Dumb Eddie,
get the checkbook.

We're going out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Guys, we're going out.
Let's scent up!

I call dibs on "Ooze."

- I got "Money sh*t."
- Yeah.

I got "Blood Spurt."

Ooh, no, don't use that one.

Eh, go ahead.

So why do you want this job?

Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.

Well, you have
all the qualifications.

You went
to a four-year college.

Actually, when I went there,
it was just a two-year college.

Wow, so you're not even technically
qualified to work at your current job.

Aw, geez.

- You're fired. Get out.
- No, no, you're not fired,

but we're definitely going to
have to lower your salary.

Oh, well, fair's fair.

I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.

This may not be
the job for you.

I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard
Nygard, told me to confront my fears.

You see Dr. Richard Nygard?
I'm a Nygardian too!

Would you sign my cast?

Yes, but just please
don't give me this job.

The spaying
and neutering tools,

do you think those fit humans?

- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- And is there a lock

on the spaying room door?

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Thank you so much
for coming in.

- Thanks for having me.
- Okay.

Hello, Orin. Thank you so much
for applying, now leave.

Hey, give him a chance.

What makes you qualified
for animal control?

I studied zoology in college,

and I can control animals
with my mind.

- Get out.
- I made you say that.

I liked him.

Well, that was a truly depressing
slate of candidates.

I think you've got
several options.

They're all terrible,
but you have them.

Before you begin,
a few ground rules.

I need you to explain
everything you do

before you do it, so I can determine
whether I will allow you--

Oh!

Ugh!

Balsa wood?
You could at least use mahogany.

There's something
occluding your ear.

It's sawdust.
Just blow.

- Oh.
- You've got strep throat.

I'm writing you
a prescription for penicillin.

We'll have the rest of your test results
in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol--

Not interested.

Good day.

Wish all patients
were like that.

It's really annoying
when they ask questions.

You know, they claim that
smoking is bad for you,

but is there any medical
evidence to back that up?

- Great point.
- So the Sweetums Foundation

has really accomplished
a lot recently.

Our health care
outreach program

has reduced pink eye
in the rural community

by 30%...

to 70%.

Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?

I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.

We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.

In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.

Makes it easier
to just walk up and "pow!"

Stupid foxes.
It's deeply erotic.

That sounds amazing.

- We should go hunting sometime.
- I'd love to.

I could bust out my Ralph Lauren
Fall 2010 collection.

Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!

Wear whatever you want,

as long as it's not too bright
or reflective.

You know, I want you
blending in to the surroundings.

How fast can you run?

I think that guy
wants to hunt me.

So, Dennis,
not to interrupt--

Then don't.
Boom! Ha ha!

Shut him right down!

I have heard so much talking
from you.

I don't want to hear your
fat mouth say anything else.

- Boo!
- Oh.

You're a d*ck.

Excuse me?

- Andy--
- How dare you talk to me like that?

Where are your manners?

You come to me
asking for money,

and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.

Wrap it up! We're done!

Hey!
Show these garbage people out!

Take the garbage out, Eddie.

Donna?

Gentlemen.

Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?

I run a children's
break dancing studio

called
"D.J. Jazzy Vern's."

Do you have any experience
with animals?

Uh, a bat
landed on my face once.

Hey, you know what,
he's not a rack of ribs,

so stop grilling him.

Nailed it.

Ribs are better smoked
than grilled,

so un-nailed it, with
the back part of the hammer.

How many more questions
are there gonna be?

Jamm said
if I got my teeth whitened,

- I'd just get the gig.
- Uh, ga ga ga--ho.

Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.

You did a heck of a job,
Vernie.

Thanks, Jimbo.

Not bad, right? I mean,
if he can catch raccoons

as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,

he's a home run.

That is an insane statement.

Well,
I don't see anyone better.

April, I got a present for you.

I don't like lotion.
I like my hands

to be cracked and calloused
like a railway worker.

I know. I filled the bottles
with fake blood,

vinegar, and mud.

- Really? Thanks.
- On an unrelated note,

do you remember
all those candidates

we were interviewing
for the Animal Control job

and how they were all
total losers

who didn't care about animals?

Except for Jerry,
who was great,

but who we had to pass on
for other reasons.

I was just happy
to be considered.

Anyhoo, I nominated you
for the position,

and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.

- Surprise.
- No, I don't want the job.

You can have
your mud and blood back.

April, please,
you will be so good at it.

You are so good with animals.

Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do

the stupid
confirmation hearing, okay?

Stupid councilmen
asking me stupid questions

about my stupid life--
it seems stupid.

No, it's easy--they'll just
ask you a few questions.

Let's practice.
What's your name?

Batman.
See? I failed.

I will be there
to help you, okay?

I will be your Pocahontas.

Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.

Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.

- Do it. You're gonna do it.
- Okay.

- Yes! Yay!
- But only if you divorce Ben.

Hey, don't even joke
about that.

What? I really think
he's wrong for you.

We now resume the confirmation
proceedings

for director of
the Animal Control Department.

Okay. Let's tear this chick
a new one, shall we?

Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many emails

showing
how you sexually harassed

Leslie Knope's assistant.

Andy?
That's my husband.

They were still
extremely graphic,

and appreciated by all of us.

I had never heard of several
of those terms, and I'm a freak.

Those are personal.
No one's allowed to read those.

You once posted
a video of yourself

drinking alcohol in City Hall

while you were still a minor.
How do you justify that?

Easily.
Alcohol is delicious and fun...

...Damentally a substance
that should not be abused.

I agree, April.
Very good point.

Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?

I mean, that is amazing
how you make

your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.

Would you like
to put her on your knee?

I mean, that'd be really fun.

Just three years ago,
you drove--

She's not ready.

Now, you've rushed her
into this,

and now, Jamm's
sharpening the knives.

Leslie, no one needs
to be Jammed today.

Okay, all we need
is some kind of distraction.

Grab that gavel
and break your other foot.

I like the idea
of double the signings,

but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.

Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.

I guess my first move
as director would be

to fill your office, house,
and car with snakes,

and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.

Okay!
Let's take a brief recess.

Well, well, well.
Look who's back.

Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.

We just came to apologize.

Mr. Dennis Feinstein,

let me just say,
from the bottom of my heart,

my bad.

I just started working here,

and I really want to
do a good job,

and I blew it.

Thank you for saying that.

Thought about it last night,
and I decided

that if you came in here
and apologized to me like a man,

that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,

so you're forgiven.

To that end, here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.

- Oh!
- Go out there

and help some kids
with their pink eye,

or whatever it is
you guys are doing.

Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.

It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.

This check is made out
to "Go **** yourself."

In your face!

Dennis Feinstein helps no man!

Get the hell out of my office!

- Hey, what's your problem, man?
- Why did you make me

- apologize to him?
- Guys, guys, just hold it--

hold on a sec, okay?

Mr. Feinstein,

with all due respect...

you are a major d*ck.

- What?
- Run!

- Eddie, get my crossbow.
- Crossbow? What the--

You will pay for this!

Hey, you look better.

I guess actual medicine
can be effective.

- Who'da thunk?
- Please leave me alone.

Not until we go over
your test results

and your blood work.

Your blood pressure looks fine.

I'm not sure how this is possible,
but your cholesterol is 120,

which is the lowest
I've ever seen.

What's "cholesterol"?

And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,

so just eat a banana
once in awhile.

No, thank you.
I live the way I live,

I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.

That's oddly beautiful...

but also stupid.

You're not alone in the world
anymore, Ron.

You're dating a woman who has
two kids, so every three days,

think about Ivy and Zoe
and Diane,

and eat a damn banana.

I am so sorry, April.

You are doing terribly up there,
and it's all my fault.

It's not you, it's me.

- Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm breaking up with the idea

of you being director
of Animal Control.

I say we just
withdraw your application

and let Vern become director.
He does have good teeth.

No!

All right, I have an idea.
Trust me.

Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion
of this committee

that you are terrible.

Can you give me even one reason

why you're the right man
for this job?

No.
But neither is your guy.

Neither of us
should get the job.

Oh, no?
Why is that?

Well, there shouldn't be a separate
Animal Control Department.

Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,

and frankly,
no one could change that.

So I think it should be absorbed
into the Parks Department.

That is a genius idea.

Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.

Iwo Jima!

Animal Control would be
way more effective

if it ran
through the Parks Department,

and if you want, I can
write up an official report

in language simple enough

for even you dummies
to understand, dummies.

Councilman,
you have to admit that

that idea makes a lot of sense.

Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting

that I already told Vern
he got the job,

and he already bought
a new speedboat.

Well, I hope he kept a receipt.

That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,

and I move that Animal Control
be absorbed into Parks and Rec.

I second that.

Yay!

Look at that, April.
You won over Jamm.

Uh, no, she didn't.

I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.

I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.

Retro-Jammed.

What do we do now?
Can I apologize again?

I'm getting really good
at apologizing.

Screw that. You should apologize
for apologizing to that guy.

God, we really could've used
the money, though.

Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.

You did--
I was really impressed

by all the stuff
the foundation's done

for all them poor homies,
so you know what?

Rent-A-Swag is gonna
donate five cents

from every dollar
we make this month.

It's not Feinstein money,
but it'll help.

That's very generous, Tom.

Feinstein's the worst.
I hope he gets into an accident

driving that Rolex Mobile.

For the last time,
it's a Rolexus,

and you can't drive it.

April, I have a gift
for you. Ta da.

At Leslie's suggestion,
I have made you deputy director

of Animal Control
within the Parks Department.

You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,

there is no
confirmation hearing.

How did you make this plaque
so quickly?

I had it made
your first week here.

I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.

- Can I hire an intern?
- Not yet.

- Can I hire a Mexican elf?
- No.

- Can I buy a child bride?
- No.

Then how is this even
a promotion?

Government shouldn't operate
based on personal favors.

It should operate
based on good ideas.

April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.

Leslie, I really have to
go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

You don't have to
come in with me.

I wasn't going to.

- Could you pick up the pace a little bit?
- Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.

- Night, Ron.
- Night, Ron.

Ladies, ladies.