05x20 - Jerry's Retirement

[bunniefuu]

Hey. I couldn't find the
article about you teaching

sex ed to seniors, but I did
find this folder labeled

"Senior sex ed thank-you
notes." Don't open that.

There's pictures in there.

Ho! There are pictures.

There are lots of pictures.

Why would you not throw these
away or incinerate them?

Because every memory
deserves to be chronicled.

Even the saggy ones.

I am putting together
a scrapbook commemorating

my first year on
the city council.

This year whizzed by so fast. There
was so much more I wanted to do.

But time is the relentless and cruel
enemy of the devoted civil servant.

It's actually one of the
sub-titles of my scrapbook.

Probably would've
gotten more stuff done

if I hadn't spent so much time
brainstorming scrapbook titles.

Ben and Leslie's day off.
Let's go relax.

I cannot wait
for our day off.

But what if
we took a day on

and stayed here and worked
on some projects? Hmm.

That sounds pretty sexy, right?
No.

Leslie, you've worked non-stop.
Holidays and weekends.

You'rejust
gonna take a day off.

It'll be good for you.

All right. You're cute.

And you're right.
Come on.

Let's relax.
All right.

Hey, April. I'll be gone for
the next 19-and-a-half hours,

so can you water my
plants in my office?

We are all out of water,
actually.

I'll have to use
boiling hot milk.

Are you really gonna do that?
Yes.

Well, everybody.

Wow! It has been an honor and a
pleasure to work with you all.

The time I have spent at Parks and
Rec have been the happiest days

of my life here
in the government.

And I know everyone says it,
but I sincerely hope

that we stay in touch.

What the...is
happening right now?

Today's my last day, Leslie.
I'm retiring.

What? Why didn't
you tell us?

Well, I didn't want
to make a big fuss.

Although, gosh, I'm pretty sure
I mentioned it a few times.

Oh, God, they're gonna
fire people, aren't they?

Yeah, I am two years
from my pension.

Can you believe it? Only six
months left until I retire.

What did Jerry say?

Jerry was here?

Well, this is
my last weep.

Oops! I mean,
"weep." Week.

(LAUGHS)

Geez.

(LAUGHING)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just wait.
Everybody wait. Okay.

As much as we
want this to happen,

we can't let
Jerry just disappear.

We have to
commemorate this somehow.

You're right. Jerry, thank
you for your service.

Good-bye.

Thanks, Ron.
That speech means a lot.

Okay, well, I am going to go and
say good-bye to some other folks.

Okay, see you
tomorrow, Jerry.

So we ran all your tests,
and everything looks great.

(SIGHS) You might be the healthiest
human being we've ever seen.

You have the resting heart rate
of a 100-year-old tortoise.

Yes, I get that a lot.

So my childhood illness... There's
no chancel would pass that on?

It wasn't genetic, so you
shouldn't worry at all.

You have every reason
to expect a healthy child.

In fact, if you'd like, you can
provide your sample today.

Today?
Like, today, today?

This today?
Well, yes.

I mean, the timing is right according
to Ann's ovulation schedule.

Unless there's a reason you'd
like to wait till next month.

(sums)

No.

None.

One other question.
Completely off topic.

Would I be providing
this sample... Today?

Here I am thinking
about how fast

my first year in
city council has gone,

and Jerry has had 40 years whiz past
him with nothing to show for it.

This is everything
in his file,

a handicapped parking sticker
from when he got gout,

a Parks and Rec golf cart
driving exam which he failed,

a scathing
performance review.

I mean, why would
anyone be so mean?

Oh, wait. I wrote this.

I stand by it.

Well, Jerry was
never really the type

to rise above
mediocrity or to it.

That's what I thought,
but when he started,

he had a lot of
dreams and goals.

I mean, look at his
original entry paperwork.

He wanted to meet the mayor,
have a building named after him.

I just can't let Jerry leave here with
nothing and go home to an empty life.

Well, I'll help with anything.
Just promise we'll do it quickly.

I'm making us a mac
and cheese pizza for...

Mac and cheese pizza?
Yeah.

You're making that?
Yeah.

(GASPS)

Torturing Jerry was my
favorite thing in the world.

After making out
with you.

Remember when we did both
at the same time?

It made him
so uncomfortable.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is a sad day. Who are
we gonna make fun of now?

RON: No need to worry.

Every place I've ever worked
in has had a "Jerry."

When one Jerry leaves,

the office naturally selects
a new Jerry to fill that role.

It's Social Darwinism.
The strong prey on the weak.

Soon, one of you
will be ridiculed mercilessly.

Ha! Nature.

Okay.
My transfer was approved.

So starting now, lam an employee
of the County Health Board.

You are no longer
my boss,

and we can have a baby without
it being a conflict of interest.

Clear sailing.

Goodbye, Ann Perkins,
my excellent employee.

Hello, Ann Perkins,
my fallopian princess.

So here's the drill.

Make a deposit in here.

If you fill it up all the way,
you get on the board.

Then we take the sample,
spin it in the centrifuge,

and prepare it
for fertilization.

Sounds romantic.

I guess it's go time.
Go time!

Wait, what am I doing?
I don't go with you.

Oh, no, no. I go in alone with this
p*rn disc and do it myself.

And you stay out here

and try not to think about
what I'm doing in there.

And I try not to think
about you waiting out here

trying not to
think about me.

Should I think about you?

This is so weird.

Chris, we don't
have to do this today.

This was totally just sprung on us.
Let's just take a moment.

There's so many
pamphlets to look at.

Yes, we do have very important
pamphlet reading to do.

Excellent idea,
Ann Perkins.

Do I keep this?

I don't know. It feels wrong to
leave it here. Give it to me.

I panicked. Run!

Here are the last
of the Animal Control reports.

What are you doing,
weirdo?

Just trying not
to spill anything.

I believe Leslie said
to organize these by year.

Way ahead of you.
I made two pile files.

(DONNA LAUGHS)

Pilo fibles. Filo pilos.

Filo pilos?
That's not right.

Are you broken?
(APRIL LAUGHS)

No, everything's fine.
(RON LAUGHS)

Well, I guess that settles
who the new Jerry is.

No, it doesn't!
I barely even said it wrong.

Said it wrong.
Stop it!

(ALL LAUGH)

This is how it begins.

The next "Jerry."

One screwed-up sentence,
and 30 years later,

I'm wearing
aquamarine sweater vests

and listening to Bonnie Raitt and
The Da Vinci Code on my iPod.

(ALL LAUGH)

It's already started.

Believe it or not,
Jerry, you were young once.

Young and full of dreams.

(LAUGHS) I forgot I wrote
all this.

And as unrealistic and
absurd as those goals were,

we are not letting you retire
until we help you achieve them.

So let's see
what's first.

"Eat in city council private
dining room." That we can achieve.

Right now?
Sure. Let's go.

Authorized personnel only.

Oh, they're with me.

City Councilor Leslie Knope,
clearance level four.

Guests are only
allowed on Wednesdays.

And we don't have
clearance levels.

I know, but shouldn't we?
I mean, it sounds so cool.

Anyway, we just need to get
in there real quick

and maybe take a picture.

He's retiring as a City Hall
employee after 41 years,

and it was his dream
to eat here.

His dream? Really?

Still no.

It's okay, Leslie.
Come on.

But thank you.
Thank you for trying.

No, no, no, no, no. I promised
you an executive meal

and you're gonna
get one.

Ben. Okay.

I'm gonna go in there
and take a picture with Jerry.

I put my arm around nothing.

And then you photoshop
him in later, okay?

Congratulations
on your retirement.

Aw, thank you.

One, three,
seven, two, five, nine.

Sudoku is easy.

Is there even
rules to this game?

There's a natural successor
to Jerry's sad, smelly crown.

And it's not me.
It's Andy.

Big guy? Check.
Goofy? Check.

All I have to do is wait
for a textbook Dwyer screw-up,

which usually
happens every 20 minutes.

Hey, if it isn't Filo Pilo.

Real creative, Donna.
You expect that to catch on?

Babe, the pen.

Look at Andy. There's ink all over him.
Andy's the new Jerry.

Game over.
Awesome.

Hey, I'm like a giant squid.

Hey, honey,
I'm ink Dracula.

No, stop.

Squid Dracula is going to get you.
(APRIL SCREAMS)

(ANDY ROARS)

Barking up
the wrong tree, Filo.

What do you mean?

Andy will never be the new Jerry.
Nothing embarrasses him.

He's like a giant
puppy with no shame.

What you need is some
fresh meat in the office.

Or you guys could just stop
making fun of me.

Yeah. No.

Okay, on to the next Jerry
goal, meet Mayor Knudson.

Oh, yeah. He was the
mayor at the time.

I've always
wanted to meet him.

Well, today you're
getting that chance.

So was he like
a really great mayor?

No, not really.

He resigned because of
corruption and racketeering,

and then he d*ed from
an overdose of pills.

But actually his
real cause of death

was being thrown out of a
helicopter while handcuffed.

Some people say
he's still alive

because they
never found the body,

but they never found the body
because he exploded on impact.

Sounds like a good dude.
JERRY: Yeah.

I just wish I had
a chance to meet him,

you know, years ago before all
the scandals and his death.

But this is nice too.

Is it?

Yes, it is.
Mmm-hmm.

Okay, go over there.

Let's meet Mayor Knudson.
I'll take your picture.

Butterflies.

(LESLIE AND JERRY LAUGH)

Hello, Mr. Mayor.

First of all,
I'm so sorry

that those Serbian mobsters shoved
you out of that helicopter.

You deserve better.

Okay, you tried,
but I took a day off

to spend with you, not with you
and Jerry and a dead mayor.

Can we please
just call it a day?

No, we can't because
in a few short years,

we're gonna be
visiting Jerry here,

and he will have
achieved nothing.

Is that what you want?

No.
Okay, then.

It's really been
nice to meet you.

Okay, Jerry, let's go.
(CLEARS THROAT) Whoo.

Ron-fire of the Vanities.

Filo Pilo.

(SIGHS)
Are you kidding me?

Listen, now that
Jerry's gone,

we need to hire someone
to pick up the slack.

A new person in the office?

Not a person. An intern.

Why on earth
would I get an intern?

Interns cost nothing
to the taxpayer.

And more importantly, they're
usually stupid and terrible.

So they get no work done. It's like
a Jerry you don't have to pay.

Damn, son. That is
one compelling argument.

Keep it up, Filo.

We may destroy this government
one day after all.

These pamphlets
are fascinating.

It says here that some men
gain "sympathy weight"

when their partners
get pregnant.

If that happens to me, I'll be miserable.
But happy.

But sad.

I would have never imagined the
baby-making process to be this clinical.

I mean, imagine if
actual sex were like this.

Let me remove my clothes

so we may begin to engage in physical
activity to multiply our genes.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

And it's also
weird because we dated

and we remember what
it's like to engage

in some of those
physical activities.

Exactly.

And we were also pretty good
at those physical activities.

(LAUGHS) Yes, we were.

Yes, we were.

You know,
is this all the pamphlets?

'Cause I think that maybe I
have some left in my bedroom.

Oh, well, then, we should
definitely go look for those.

Let's find those.
We need to find those.

Hurry.

Okay, everyone
gather around.

Leslie, I really
appreciate this,

but I did promise Gayle I
would leave by 5:00. (LAUGHS)

She has a tasty surprise waiting
for me, if you know what I mean.

Gross, Jerry.

She made a meatloaf.

LESLIE: Well, this is better
than meatloaf.

When Jerry first
applied for this job,

one of this goals was to have
a building named after him.

Again, that is an absurd request
considering your work record.

But I thought maybe he could
have a room named after him.

So henceforth,
Parks and Rec conference room

will serve as a testament to
your years of public service.

Oh, my God.

Hear, hear.

(SIGHS) "Jerry Gergich Memorial
Conference Room. RIP"?

(LAUGHS) Oh, the guy at the plaque
store thought you had d*ed.

It was a rush job, so we
didn't have time to change it.

It doesn't matter. We can just
pretend it means "retire in peace."

Yeah.
Yeah, okay.

So bring out the cake!

JERRY: Oh! Wow!
Speech, speech, speech.

Well, thank you, guys.

I'm not much of a speechmaker,
but I do like good cake.

DONNA: Uh...
JERRY: Mmm...

You're on fire.

(GASPS) Whoa!

Oh, my God, Jerry!

Well, that went roughly
as well as I thought it would.

I promised Gayle I'd leave at 5:00.
I guess this is it.

(GIGGLES)

Bye.

See you tomorrow, Jeremy.

Well, pretty heroic,
huh, guys?

Hard to make fun of that.

Man, the cake.

Filo Pilo ruined
the cake.

Classic Pilo.

What? How is that
my fault?

Stupid Jerry. Should have
never saved his life.

(KNOCKING)

Well...

Hey, Jerry.
Do you have a second?

Leslie. Well,
this is a lovely surprise.

Come on in. Have
breakfast with the family.

That's okay. I just popped by to
apologize and to give you something.

Is that Leslie Knope?
Yes.

Hi, Gayle.

What a surprise.

I insist you join
us for breakfast.

This guy is the greatest
breakfast chef in the world.

Oh, you know, I'm not
really into breakfast foods.

Really? Your purse is
shaped like a waffle.

Is it?
Please join us.

The Gergiches don't take
no for an answer. Mmm-mmm.

(SIGHS) Okay.

(LAUGHS) Come on in.

Girls, we've got company.

So, you want to
get out of here?

Work just started,
Ms. Meagle.

Yeah, but our work is just beginning.
You know what I'm saying?

Oh, Donna, who's
the new boy toy?

I'm Taylor,
the new intern.

This is the new intern?
Are you kidding me?

Yeah, he went to high school
with my sister, Natalie.

He was a big deal
on the football team.

Oh, meathead jock
type, huh?

Actually, I quit
football senior year

so I could help my pastor
run a homeless shelter.

Oh. (SIGHS) This guy loves the homeless
so much, he should marry them, right?

Anybody would be
lucky to marry him.

Hey, Taylor, do you want
to marry me and April?

Wish I could, man,
but I'm not a "marriage" dude.

I've got a lot
of love to give,

and it just seems unfair
to put boundaries on it.

He gets it.

DONNA: (WHISPERS)
You so get it.

Oh, hey.

Hi. Should I keep
walking towards you?

Yeah, I could stop,
and you could walk.

Or you know what,
we could meet in the middle.

Great plan.

Hello.
Hi.

(sums)

Well...
Okay.

Ron, ask me if I'm sad.

No.

Ron, I'm the new Jerry.

Well, is whining going to
do anything about it?

You don't want to be a whipping boy.
Stand up for yourself.

You don't understand, Ron.
I already was Jerry.

I was a skinny Indian kid in
South Carolina, and it sucked.

It took me 12 years,
but I reinvented myself.

I'm a business owner.
I wear dope suits.

I have fur underwear.
It was all for nothing.

I'm back to
being a Jerry.

(sums)

All right.

I'm gonna go buy some sweatpants
and a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Might as well lean into it.

RON: Tom can take care of himself.
He's a grown man.

Well, half-grown.

He does have a business

where he rents out his clothes
to 12-year-olds.

ALL GERGICHES:
♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast

♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast

♪ Why don't you start your day

a“ The Gergich way with eggs,
bacon, and...

Oh. Me? Toast...

♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast

♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast

♪ Why don't you start your day

♪ The Gergich way with

♪ Eggs, bacon, and...

♪ Toast ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Very good.

We sing that
every morning.

But it's an extra treat because
you're here to sing it with us.

JERRY: Mmm-hmm.
Thanks, guys.

Jerry, I wanted your last
day at work to be special,

and I feel like
I let you down.

So I made you this scrapbook
with nearly four amazing pages

jam-packed with memories of
your time in the government.

Oh, my God... Well, look.

Oh, honey.

You look great in
every one of these.

You are still the most handsome
man in the world to me.

Ugh! Mom, come on.

Yeah, geez, Mom.
We're eating.

You know,
it doesn't make any sense.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Leslie, that is
really sweet of you,

but you don't have
to worry about me.

I'm great. Here. I want
to show you something.

Okay.

Whoa!

You also dropped that,
clumsy.

Where am I?

I know I didn't achieve all my work
goals, but, Leslie, I don't care

because for me, the best part about
working in the Parks Department

was that I got to be home every
night with my family at 5:00.

And to me,
that's what mattered most.

Little Sebastian...
Wow!

Jerry, thank you for
sharing this with me.

I...

You have a wonderful life.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh!

Group hug.

Oh, here they are. The hug
machine is here. (ALL LAUGH)

Vroom, vroom, vroom. The hug machine...
It's f*ring on all cylinders.

Okay, I think we should be
adults and talk about this.

I would love to.

I was nervous
after yesterday

because I was thinking
what does this mean for us?

Not as parents,
but as Chris and Ann?

I don't think on-again, off-again
is a great parental model.

Well, I completely agree.

But if there is
a hypothetical chance

that we could provide
a home with two parents

who are hypothetically
together, then that

could be even better.
Hypothetically.

Of course. We should discuss and
consider all the possibilities.

The most important thing
for me and I think for you

is that we have a child.

And I don't want to do
anything to jeopardize that.

Do you want to make out?
I really do.

Hey.

What are you doing here, Jerry?
I thought you were fired.

I wasn't fired.
I retired.

That's what they all say.

I asked Jerry
to come in.

That new intern wasn't working
out, so I got rid of him.

Once again, I object in the
strongest possible terms.

Once again, noted.

I have also asked Jerry to
come in a couple hours a week

until we find
a permanent replacement.

(GROANS) Just when
we were rid of him?

Yeah, I don't know, Ron.

Are you hearing me, son?

Jerry will come in
once a week,

and everyone will get
to watch him eat

and talk to him about anything
he might do or say or fart.

Welcome back, Jerry.
JERRY: Oh, thank you.

It feels good
just to be back...

(ANDY LAUGHS)

ANDY: Classic new guy.

I'm sorry that I spent
your day off with Jerry

instead of relaxing with you.
It's all right.

And after you fell asleep
making Jerry's scrapbook,

I went back to Season 1 of
Fringe to check for plot holes.

As I suspected, airtight.

I'm sorry. This is all my fault.
I love my job.

But in the blink of an eye,
I'm gonna be retiring,

you know, and flying
off on Marine One

with you and
a Secret Service detail.

Achievements are great,
but I want more than that.

I want what Jerry has.

I mean,
we're always gonna work,

but I think we need to
fill this scrapbook too.

Maybe we should
take a real day off

and talk about
starting our family.

Yeah.
That sounds perfect.

Hey, while you
were over at Jerry's,

did you happen to get any information
about his history with Gayle?

Like, was she
a Russian spy

and the KGB forced her
to marry Jerry as a cover?

You know, it's a mystery, Ben.
Let it go.

Yeah, I can't. It keeps
me awake at night.

Hey, maybe Gayle
has one of those

Oliver Sacks brain
disorder thingies?

Like, does she think
Jerry is a friendly hat?

I think you solved it.