05x05 - Poodle Fuzz and a Twinge of Jealousy

[bunniefuu]

Okay, maybe I'm

old-fashioned.

Says the man who

wears Aqua Velva.

I thought you like that.

I do. Go on with

your rant, honey.

I just don't think

that dogs belong in stores.

I can't take my ice cream

into a pet store,

so why do all these people

bring their dogs

into an ice cream store?

They're service dogs.

Really? How was that

ratty little poodle

being of service to that woman

with the big, fake lips?

She must need him

or she wouldn't have

bought him a stroller.

Oh, d-don't get me started

on the strollers

or the matching hats.

You know, you're getting

dangerously close

to old coot territory.

(imitating old coot):

Which is just over yonder

by those kids who won't

pick a damn gender!

(phone chimes)

(both laugh)

It's Christy.

Is that coconut or poodle fuzz?

She wants me

to pick up her waitress uniform

at the dry cleaner.

I love how she thinks

I have nothing better to do.

Do you?

My side.

You're on my side.

(chuckles)

"Will try,

but Adam in a

dark place again."

Hey, hey, don't drag me

into this.

Oh, I do it

all the time.

If she asks, you have just

a kiss of manic depression.

"Will try, but Adam

really ne..." (screams)

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Oh! Oh!

This is bad. This is really bad.

Okay, here, take my hands.

I'll pull you up.

(grunts)

Oh, stop. I can't stand.

Honey, you got to get up.

You're in a bus stop.

Eventually,

there's gonna be a bus.

(grunts) Okay.

Let me try to drag myself out.

All right.

Hurry, hurry.

Did you just eat your ice cream?

Uh, I don't know. Did I?

How about when you're done

with your treat,

you call 911!

*

So, what's the spa like?

Oh, we take hikes

through the desert,

we meditate,

we eat super healthy.

It's been the worst week

of my life.

Well, you look good.

Damn well better look good

after I-- W-What's that?

What are you eating?

Just a muffin.

Don't say "just a muffin" to me.

I'm on ten calories a day.

Hold it up.

Not the wrapper side.

Show me her face.

Ooh, she's pretty.

Jill, it's a muffin

I bought at a car wash.

Oh, they're all the same

in the dark.

What kind is it?

Bran.

Lie to me.

Double chocolate chip.

Yeah, it is.

Take another bite.

This is getting kind of weird.

Take a bite!

Oh, yeah.

(door opens)

Oh, got to go.

I'm gonna reheat

some pizza later.

I'll call you then.

What time?!

Hey, where's my mom?

She asked me

to make sure you were here

so she could make an entrance.

What?

Come on in!

Is she gonna do that thing

where she asks

"What's different about me?"

and I'm gonna have to guess?

Maybe, but it'll be easy.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

You made me fall.

How?

You kept texting me

about your stupid dry cleaning

while I was walking

and eating ice cream.

I almost got hit by a bus.

It was nine blocks away,

but she could see it.

Are they broken?

Yes.

No. She tore

a couple of ligaments.

She'll be in the chair

for a few weeks.

You hear that, Christy?

Torn ligaments

because of your dry cleaning.

Yeah. You have size 15 feet,

but sure, I'm the one at fault.

The X-ray lady had trouble

getting 'em in the same sh*t.

Hey! My side.

Well, is there anything

I can do to help?

For starters, you have to be

the building manager

until I can walk again.

I meant more like

get you a pillow.

I'll take that, too.

All right.

Well, you know,

just write a list

of things I need to do

around the building,

and I'll be like you

and not do them.

That's all I'm asking.

BONNIE:

Oh, I'm slipping off the toilet!

CHRISTY:

Just push yourself off the bowl!

BONNIE: Grab my butt. Ow!

CHRISTY: Hold the towel rack!

You're hurting my leg!

(Christy groans)

CHRISTY:

Stop pulling my hair!

BONNIE: Pull up my pants!

(glass breaks)

CHRISTY: Great! Now we're gonna

have seven years bad luck.

BONNIE:

How will we tell?

I always knew someday she'd

need help using the toilet,

but I was really hoping

I'd be dead by then.

We better

get this worked out

before I have my coffee

tomorrow morning.

For what it's worth,

I really enjoyed listening.

You guys should do a podcast.

I'm glad you were entertained

by me almost peeing

on my daughter's hand.

"Almost"?!

It was a direct hit!

(ringtone playing)

Oh, great.

Course my phone's

in the kitchen.

Christy, do you mind?

Hold on, I'm boiling my hand.

She used to pay good money

for clean urine.

Hello?

Uh, uh-huh.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Beverly's smelling

something dead in her apartment.

Not the first time.

Hope and animals

go there to die.

What do you want to do?

Well, clearly

I can't do anything,

but you better get right on it.

Can't we just turn up the heat

and see if whatever it is

dries out?

Just get up there.

Oh, and grab the hammer

out of my toolbox.

Sometimes the dead thing

isn't completely dead.

What?

They scratch, they nip,

they try to lay eggs in you.

It's disgusting.

If the dead thing bites me,

I am biting you.

Ooh. I'll bite you back.

There's your podcast:

sober chicks

who bite each other.

Do you see anything?

CHRISTY:

Yep, it's a dead mouse.

Wait.

Yeah, it's dead.

(groans)

You're gonna need

a new pair of tongs.

Why? It's just

another kind of meat.

Now I'm kind of glad

I turned down

the lasagna you offered me.

Okay, I'm just gonna go

throw Mickey in the Dumpster.

After that, can you drive me

to the pharmacy?

What?

I can't drive at night.

Your mom takes me.

My mother?

Yeah.

My mother does you favors?

Christy, it's not a kidney.

It's just a ride

to the pharmacy.

Okay.

Well, I guess

I can take you.

Thank you.

(mouse squeaking)

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

All right, off we go.

(TV playing quietly)

(channel changes)

No.

(channel changes)

No.

(channel changes)

(scoffs) God, no.

(channel changes)

Wait.

No.

(channel changes)

(sighs)

Okay, we're back

to Matlock in Spanish.

You know the worst thing

about being in a wheelchair?

Enlighten me.

I'm just so bored.

I have all this energy

and nothing to do with it.

It's like my usual sparkle

is being wasted.

I wouldn't mind getting

a little of that sparkle on me.

What are you talking about?

Really?

The sparkle thing wasn't clear?

(chuckles)

Look at me. It's not happening.

Oh, it's happening.

Parts of it

have already started.

BONNIE:

Pull me up. Pull me up.

ADAM:

I'm pulling.

BONNIE: Swivel and slide.

Swivel and slide!

ADAM:

Stop flailing.

BONNIE:

Oh! Hey, we got it.

The right parts are touching.

(both grunt)

(both panting)

We should probably

get undressed now.

How about you just tickle

my back and we take a nap.

All right.

Just so you know,

the light is on.

Oh, thanks, Christy.

Mind if I ask a question?

Why does a blind man

need a light bulb?

That was the one.

It helps regulate

my circadian rhythms.

Also, I have friends who don't

like to sit in the dark.

Oh, yeah.

Never thought about that.

Can I ask one more favor?

Sure.

When your mom drops in

to fix something,

she usually hangs around

and reads to me.

Oh, come on. She does not.

Started out she'd read my mail,

then we worked our way

up to books.

She never even read to me.

That's a sad story.

My book is

on the table.

Okay.

I guess I got a

couple minutes.

From the bookmark, please.

"Chapter 12.

"She walked into my office

"on legs that could wrap

around a man twice.

"I felt a twinge

of jealousy

for the cigarette

between her lips."

Hey, Dr. Seuss,

it's not a children's book.

(breathy):

"I felt a twinge of jealousy

for the cigarette

between her lips."

Mmm.

"The kind of lips

that God made for one reason

and one reason only."

Oh, that's graphic.

Don't look at me.

Your mom picked the book.

Hand to God,

she reads to blind guys,

helps old people run errands,

and-- get ready for this one--

she got a tenant's Social

Security check in the mail,

and she returned it.

BOTH:

Whoa.

Is it possible

my mom's secretly a nice person?

No.

Not a chance.

I mean, I'd get it

if my mom was bragging

all over the place about

what a great person she is,

but here's the thing--

she's not.

She's doing all this nice stuff

on the down low.

Okay, well, let's try

to look at this in a new way.

We all know from sobriety

miracles can happen.

Junkie hooker becomes CEO, sure.

Bonnie Plunkett becomes

a nice person, no.

People do change

in recovery.

It's true.

I used to be very

quiet and low energy.

And you are an inspiration.

But my mom is

a different kind of animal.

My mom... is an animal.

Well, you have every right

to feel that way

given your history,

but maybe it's time

we all admit

she's becoming a better person.

Oh, please.

You know that story

about the frog helping

the scorpion cross the river?

Yeah. Your mother's

the scorpion,

and she can't

change her nature.

No. My mother's the river,

and everybody drowns in her.

Okay, I got her

in the tub.

With any luck, she'll doze off,

and that'll be that.

(laughs)

You guys are cute

when you wish each other dead.

Make you a sandwich?

Thanks.

So... you're marrying my mother.

Unless she drowns

in that tub.

Then you're

the right person to ask.

I'm guessing there are things

about her you like.

Of course.

What are they?

Are you looking

for something specific?

For starters, do you think

she's a good person?

Let me tell you

why I'm making a sandwich.

Your mother and I were supposed

to go out to lunch today

at that new Italian place.

(sighs)

Hello there.

We need a table for two,

preferably by a window

because... you know.

What do wheelchairs have

to do with the window?

Shh. I got this.

I'm sorry. We don't have

any tables available.

Thanks anyway. I told you we

should've made a reservation.

Hang on.

Sir, you can't turn us away.

Do you realize

how challenging it is

for us to just

get out of the house?

Bonnie...

But today,

we said, "Darn it,

let's go out

for a nice lunch

like normal people."

Are you kidding me?

I'm so sorry. Let me see if

I can shift some things around.

Please don't bother.

We're out of here.

What? Why?

He's shifting.

Uh...

You're unbelievable.

I'm sorry. He's got a kiss

of manic depression.

Keep shifting.

We'll be right back.

Oh, my God, she's a monster.

Thank you.

I feel so much better.

What are you talking about?

Well, Marjorie was trying

to convince me that my mom's

becoming a better person.

This is really good.

Excellent lettuce-to-meat ratio.

Thank you, but I...

I'm not done with the story.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

What happened next?

She sucker-punch a baby?

Just listen.

Slow down!

Hey, stop that man!

He stole my purse!

Really?

What are you so mad about?

We're getting a table.

We'll probably get

a free dessert.

How could you embarrass

me like that?

What's embarrassing?

It was working.

You made me an

object of pity.

Well, to get what

Napa Valley Monthly calls

"the best bucatini

outside of Naples."

Bonnie, I don't want

people to see me

as different,

as "less than."

You're not "less than."

You're damn right I'm not.

But you wanted the maître d'

to feel sorry for us.

I just thought

I could get a better table.

Do you know

how hard I work

for people not to see

me as a guy in a chair?

I guess I-I don't

think about it

because you make it

look so easy.

Well, that's the way

that I want it to look.

I don't cut in line, I don't

bitch when there's not a ramp,

and I don't ask for

special treatment.

Ever.

No, you don't, and...

and I shouldn't have, either.

I guess I don't think enough

about what you go through

because I'm too busy

thinking about myself.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I'm so, so sorry.

She actually said,

"So, so sorry"?

It surprised me, too.

She just straight-up apologized?

No blaming other people,

no fake tears,

no "I grew up

in the foster system.

I slept in a dog bed

till I was 11."

She even went back inside

and apologized to the maître d'.

Wow.

She really is changing.

Well...

BONNIE:

Damn it, Christy!

My bath is

getting cold!

So turn the hot water on!

I can't!

I'm reading!

Just give her a second.

Never mind!

I figured it out!

I put the book down!

WOMAN (over TV):

Don't avoid the world

because of moderate

to severe plaque psoriasis.

Do you have any idea

what plaque psoriasis is?

Maybe it's when you get an award

for your psoriasis.

Well, this guy has it,

and then he took this pill,

and now he's having

the best day of his life.

He's swimming,

he's making pottery.

Hey, I kind of wish I had it.

Ready for your lunch?

I was ready 30 minutes ago.

How long does it take you

to open a can?

Actually, it's

not from a can.

I made it from scratch.

Really? What's that

floatin' in there?

Vegetables.

Ugh.

Well, I'll choke it down.

Bon appétit.

What's with the smile?

I'm just... happy

you're my mom.

Why?

You're so funny.

Careful. It's hot.

This unexpected pleasantness

is very unsettling.

Can't a daughter just

be nice to her mother?

Not this daughter,

not this mother.

Well, you better

get used to it,

because I love you

no matter what.

Yeah, well, uh,

I used the lost kid room

at Walmart for day care.

That's okay.

The security guard taught me

how to spell my name.

What's that all about?

Oh, Christy's acting

like she loves me,

and it's really pissing me off.

I love you, too.

I will kick you with this boot.

(whistling a tune)

(door opens)

CHRISTY: Mom?

(door closes)

Hey.

Hey.

Weren't you supposed

to go to the doctor today?

I did.

Turns out he wants me

to stay off my feet

another week just to be safe.

Oh, no.

I know. I'm so disappointed.

I really hate being a burden.

You're not a burden.

Oh, thanks, honey.

By the way,

there is a family of raccoons

living in the wall of 5G.

You're gonna need the gloves,

and as cute

as you think the babies are,

they will go

right for your eyes.

I'm on it.

Christy, wait.

Yeah?

There's something

I have to tell you.

My laundry is really piling up.

I'll take care of it.

You're the best.

By the way,

you might want to

close that cabinet,

you lying, worthless dirtbag.

Don't tell Adam!

Don't tell Adam!