05x07 - Too Many Hippies and Huevos Rancheros

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

- Mmm, somebody smells nice.
- Ah.

I pretended to buy makeup

so I could swipe
perfume samples at Macy's.

Looks like the
forecast is cloudy

with a chance of doing it.

Can you guys go somewhere else

to talk about Christy
banging my brother?

No one's banging anyone.

We decided to get
to know each other first.

I'm sorry, but having sex

is how you get
to know each other.

If I could carry the TV
into the kitchen, I would.

All I'm saying is

there's a real danger
in waiting, Christy.

You could develop serious
feelings for Patrick

and then find out he's
got a crooked unit.

Well, that wouldn't
matter to me.

Ugh. All right.
It's already too late.

Help us out here, Adam.

You guys grew up together.

Bathing, skinny-dipping...

is there anything exotic or
unorthodox in the swimsuit area?

If death took me right now,
I would not hate it.

So, where are we going?

Well, Christy, as
you may have gleaned,

I am something of a planner.

So I made two
dinner reservations

at equally fine restaurants,
and you get to pick.

Wow.
You made reservations,

you're not married,
you're not wearing cargo shorts.

I'm getting a little dizzy.

Well, before you
pass out, here are your choices.

Steak house known
for their prime rib,

seafood place known
for their lobster.

Steak house.

Lobster freaks me out.

It's a giant sea bug
and I'm not having it.

Right?

Sometimes they make
you pick out your own.

I don't want to decide
which one dies.

Who made me lobster God?

Ugh. Speaking of giant
sea bugs, it's my mom.

Watch. This is my most
favorite thing in the world.

Ignore.

Really? Most favorite?

Mine's water slides.

Oh, for God's sake, Mom.

Sorry, I better take this.

I'm on a date, which you know.
Why are you calling?

Oh, okay.

I'll be right there.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna need a rain check.

My friend Marjorie's husband
had a stroke.

♪♪

♪♪

He just collapsed
right there in the hall.

Well, you got him to
the hospital right away.

That's always the
most important thing.

Yes. That's the important thing.

That and life insurance.

Mom.

He can't get coverage now.

A word.

We'll be right back.

What is wrong with you?

What? That's
a legitimate question.

Have you priced
a casket lately?

Have you?

Yeah, when you had that cough
that wouldn't go away.

Okay, from now on,

if you have the urge
to say something, don't.

So I'm just supposed
to sit there?

No. Try to be helpful.

- Offer her a cup of tea or something.
- Ugh.

I'll try, but I know
a thing or two

about freezing a dead guy's head,
so if there's a lull,

I might bring it up.

Wendy, how is he?

He's out of surgery
and stable.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, that's great news.

Stable is good.

Can I see him?

In a few hours when
we move him to ICU.

Oh, so I guess what
Victor's saying is,

"I-C-U in a few hours."

Would you like some tea?

♪♪

Mmm, pass me the popcorn.

You ate it all.

Why would you hand
me an empty bowl?

'Cause I wanted you
to know that I ate it all.

Well,
to that I say,

why are you
hitting yourself,

- why are you hitting yourself, huh?
- Ow.

Quit it!

What a...

So, what are we
supposed to do?

Stay up all night?
What's the plan?

- Plan?
- Yeah.

Dude, you're in Plunkettville.

There are no plans.

What does that mean?

This is how it works
when you date

an aggressively
sober woman.

They have a lot of friends
with a lot of problems

and they show up
for everything together.

When there's a crisis,

they shine the AA signal
on a cloud.

And then they're gone for hours.

So they're like superheroes
with a weakness for gin?

Pretty much.

AA is kind of Bonnie
and Christy's whole life,

but I found a way
to work around it.

I got Bonnie to do her
meetings on Monday night,

Thursday night
and Sunday night.

Wow.

Wow.

You-you found a way to
watch prime-time football

and make it look
like a favor.

I told my buddies
at the sports bar.

They're thinking of
building me a shrine.

You deserve one.

Yeah, and I always have
a designated driver,

but I'm not supposed to be
too happy about it

or it's a red flag.

Ah, Bonnie.

She says that Victor's stable,

but that they're gonna
spend the night

in the hospital with Marjorie.

Oh, well, maybe I should
go over there

and bring Christy
a change of clothes.

Oh, no, no, no. No way.

Well, why not?

Because if you bring
Christy something,

I got to bring Bonnie
something or I look like a tool.

You are a tool.

- Ooh, sneak att*ck. Oh!
- Oh!

Oh-ho!

Hey, how's Victor doing?

I thought you were
on a silent retreat.

I am.

But I'm worried about Marjorie

and I'm dying to talk.

My thoughts have been
all bottled up in my head

and it's making me...

Jill?

Shh.

Sorry. Shaman Gary came
into the Zen garden.

He is such a narc.

Victor is stable.
That's all we know.

Oh, thank God.

Is that a vending machine
behind you?

Do they have Funyuns?

Last night I dreamt
about Funyuns.

Except they were
six feet tall and kissing me.

I'm telling you, nothing's
getting satisfied here.

Uh-oh, Gary's back.

I got to hide you in my bra.

Is it just me or does it look
like she hasn't lost a pound?

If anything, her face looks rounder.

Hey, I'm still here.

Hey, Marjorie, what'd they say?

They told me to
hope for the best

and prepare for the worst.

Might not be able
to walk or talk.

Oh, my God.

Well...

whatever happens,

you won't face it alone.

You have friends
you can count on.

Thanks, Christy.

I'll be happy to help, too.

I'm actually quite good
at taking care of sick people.

Since when?

I thought I could just say it
and you'd believe me.

Sometimes it works
'cause I'm tall.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Patrick.
- What are you doing here?

Oh, he wanted to bring
Christy some clothes

and I didn't want to
show up empty-handed,

so here's that sudoku
you've been working on

for the last year.

Really sorry to hear
about your husband.

Thank you.

This is Adam's brother,
Patrick.

Hi. I wish we were meeting
under better circumstances.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry I ruined
your evening.

Ah.

You know, why don't you two
go down to the cafeteria

and grab a bite to eat?

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Okay.

If you made reservations
at the cafeteria,

I'm gonna be so impressed.

I called. They don't take 'em.

Couldn't have grabbed a pencil?

It's never enough, is it?

I bet that fancy steak house
didn't serve egg salad

with an ice cream scoop.

Well, I think it'll pair
nicely with your Mr. Pibb.

Hospital sushi.

I see you have a taste for adventure.

And our five minutes
of peace are over.

Don't mind me.
I'm not here to spy.

I just had to get Marjorie
another tea.

Oh, God, what did you say?

I just asked hypothetically
if Victor d*ed,

did she think she would die
very quickly afterward?

Seriously?

Drop the eyebrow, missy.

It's a thing, like penguins.

Anyway, you kids have fun.

Thank you for being
so understanding

through all of this.

No problem.

Okay.

Something really sexy is
about to happen right now.

Oh, that, uh, salmon roll
tasted like a penny.

Hmm.

Would you like some
room-temperature egg salad?

No, thanks.

I'm really just here
for the company.

Aw.

So... can we go to a real
dinner tomorrow night?

Well, I'd love to,
but I actually have

to get back home tomorrow.

Oh.

Well, I... you know,
I-I knew that eventually

you would have to get back,
but I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too,

but it's not like
I live in Australia.

That's true.

Santa Cruz is only a
three-hour-and-12-minute drive.

I might have Googled us
door-to-door.

Yeah. Did I give
you my address?

Look, a lot of Googling
has gone on. I...

Well, I'm in no
position to judge.

I've Googled you, too.

By the way, nice mug sh*t.

Was my hair
in a ponytail or down?

Uh, ponytail.

Ah. Yeah, that's the good one.

So, uh...

do you think we should try
the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

But while I've
got you here...

You do kind of taste
like a penny.

There is literally
no way out of here.

♪♪

Ten minutes, and
we're out of h...

Hey!

Is this a good time?

Sure. Come on in.

We know you've got
your hands full,

so we brought you dinner.

And a card, from everyone
at the Monday night meeting.

Pardon my "happy birthday." I
didn't know what I was signing.

Thank you for this.

And for dinner...
I haven't been able

to leave the house
since Victor came home.

How's he doing?

Sleeping now.
This is when I catch up

on everything I can't do
when I'm with him.

So, how's it going
with you ladies?

I could really use
something else to think about.

Well, I know we're supposed
to keep it anonymous,

but Rod Stewart came
to our meeting.

It was not Rod Stewart.

It was a woman
with a bad haircut

and an English accent.

And you just described
Rod Stewart.

Christy, how's it going
with Patrick?

Oh, we've been texting
the past couple weeks,

but... it's hard.

Well, one way or another,
love is always hard.

Why are you pretending
to be a pharmacist

from the 1850s?

Because he's still
having trouble swallowing,

so I have to crush up his meds
and give them to him

through the tube in his stomach.

It's gonna get better.

I hope so.

You need to get out of
here for a while.

Yeah. A meeting
and a pedicure, stat.

Boy, that sounds so good.

I-I can't leave him.

You have to take care
of yourself, too.

Yeah, it's like that whole thing
on the airplane when you

got to put your mask on first
before you put it on the kid.

But you're supposed
to put it on me eventually.

You made it to Orlando.
Let it go.

Okay, here's the plan:

you take Marjorie out,
I'll hold down the fort.

Oh, boy. Maybe you're right,
I could use a change of scenery.

Are you sure
you can handle Victor?

Of course.

Okay.

He's-he's gonna wake up soon.

These are
the doctor's instructions.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. You got this, Christy.

♪♪

I can't believe you
left me there all afternoon.

Hey. My day wasn't
exactly a picnic, either.

You're seriously trying
to compare

caring for a stroke victim
to a mani-pedi?

Have you seen Marjorie's feet?

I've never even seen her
in open-toed shoes.

Well, there's a reason.

Yikes.

This must be
so hard for her.

One minute you're in love,
you've got a partner,

and the next
you're caring for somebody

who's completely helpless.

It's so sad.

She has one toenail that looks
like the roof of a shed.

♪♪

I just want to take
a nice, hot Purell bath

and look at those otters
holding hands on YouTube.

Oh. My favorite part is
when they get separated,

then they reach back
for each other.

Right?
They're making a choice.

Hey.

Oh, my God, Patrick!

Hi.

Hi. Mwah!

Uh, what are you
doing here?

Well, I realized something
I didn't like about Santa Cruz.

Too many hippies?
Not enough hippies? What?

You weren't there.

Oh, what a cheeseball.

Maybe, but I like it.

You know, I wouldn't mind

a little cheese
every now and then.

Go away for two weeks...
Let's see what happens.

Hey, so, how about I finally take
you out to that fancy dinner, huh?

Give me time
to take a shower

and make myself pretty.

Oh, well, you're already pretty.

See? That right there,
be like that.

♪♪

♪♪ Music playing over TV...

Hey.

Hey. Didn't expect you
home tonight.

Yeah. If you'd have been
ten minutes earlier,

you would have seen...

Anyway, welcome home.

Would it k*ll you
to throw down a towel?

Why aren't you back
at Patrick's hotel room

throwing down your own towel?

After dinner,
things got kind of awkward.

Then he said he was tired
and dropped me off.

What happened?

It's not that big a deal.

We were talking,
he asked me about my day,

and I told him
about taking care of Victor.

What's wrong with that?

Then I mentioned

that I could see myself
taking care of Patrick

if he has a stroke
when he's old.

- Oh!
- Yikes! What...?

What is wrong with you?

I thought you liked him.

And I may have used
the word "diaper."

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

But this is all
30 years from now!

You said 30 years?

Wow, I don't usually
think of you as stupid.

We've been together two years,
and we're engaged,

and we don't talk
about the future.

Six hours in advance...
That's our max.

Yeah. Watch. What are
we doing tomorrow night?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Do you think I scared him?

Like a clown in a sewer.

Thanks, Mom.

Our little girl's
gonna die alone.

♪♪

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

I intercepted your
room service order.

Uh, I didn't order anything,
so you better come in quick.

Oh.

Uh...

So, you're probably
wondering why I'm here.

Oh, you mean you didn't just
come by to steal some, uh...

What is that?
Huevos rancheros?

I just wanted to apologize
for last night.

I was trying to tell
you about my day,

and suddenly I was
30 years in the future

and kind of dragging
you along with me.

Well, I-I have to admit,
it did freak me out a little bit.

I know. I'm so sorry.

Well, you got
to understand, I'm just...

getting out of
a long marriage,

and I haven't been alone
since I was 19.

I get it. I get it.

Yeah. You want to
play the field,

you want to see
what's out there,

you want to cross some things
off your sex bucket list.

Uh, I don't know
what a sex bucket is,

uh, but yeah, that was
basically the plan.

And then I met you, and...

I guess
what really scares me

is that you weren't the only one
thinking about the future.

I wasn't?

No. I mean, I mean, we...
haven't even slept together.

Uh, I saw this
cute little beach house,

and I thought to myself,

"Maybe Christy and I
should live there."

Wow.

Your fantasy has
a beach house.

Mine has you
in a diaper.

Yeah, mine's better.

Uh, but equally terrifying.

You're as crazy as I am,

and... that's
kind of reassuring.

You know what?
I'd better go.

I don't want to wreck
this relationship.

Yeah. Me neither.

Maybe we just should...
take it slow.

- Probably a good idea.
- Yeah.

Huh.

Um...

So, this beach house...

is it big enough
for my mom and Adam?

If there's a guest room,
I'll board it up.

Oh, God, that's hot.

Mmm.

- Um, all right.
- All right.

- Okay, I'm gonna go, yes.
- Yes. Okay.

All right. I'll see you.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪♪

Thanks for being here,
Bonnie, you're a big help.

You're welcome.
And I want you to know

I'm really working on saying

appropriate things
when I'm here.

Good for you.

In fact,
I've even written some down

that I think
are not only positive,

but hopefully of some comfort.

"Despite your
crushing exhaustion,

you don't look that bad."

Thank you.

"Now you have a built-in excuse
to avoid unappealing events,

like children's
birthday parties."

I'll keep that in mind.

Ah, here's a good one.
"I was at first frightened

when I looked at Victor,
but now I am less so."

You know what?
I'm just gonna focus

on the fact that you cared
enough to write a list.

I have four more.

- Just make me some tea.
- Okay.

♪♪