05x16 - Eight Cats and the Hat Show

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Jill, alcoholic.
- OTHERS: Hi, Jill.

Things are good.

I got my -day chip yesterday.

Some of y'all weren't there,

so I thought I'd give
you a chance to applaud.

Oh, come on! Carla got more applause

for not sleeping with
her brother-in-law.

Better.

Anyway, my only complaint is,
now that I'm a newcomer again,

I'm not supposed to date for a year.

I mean, the Lamborghini's
gassed up and fully detailed,

but Marjorie won't let me
take it out of the garage.

Give it time.

Vroom-vroom,
Marjorie! Vroom-vroom!

That's all I got.

- Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.
- OTHERS: Hi, Bonnie.

Some of you may recall my recent share

about my fiance’s
-year-old dog

crossing over the rainbow bridge.

I wasn't here. What happened?
Dog went gay?

- He d*ed.
- Aw.

Yes "aw," total "aw," justified "aw."

Thankfully, Samson d*ed
peacefully in his sleep

with a big ol' pork chop in his belly.

God knows that's how I want to go.

The problem is, that
was three weeks ago,

and Adam is still devastated.

I am relatively new to this...
What's it called, empathy?

But shouldn't he be through
the five stages of grief by now?

He's not shaving or showering;
he's wearing the same sweatshirt

because it smells like his dog,

which means my fiancé
smells like a dog.

I mean, I want to continue
supporting him, but... (sighs)

So I will say to you
what I can't say to him.

All dogs go to heaven. Move on!

Thanks.

- Hi, Christy, alcoholic.
- OTHERS: Hi, Christy.

So, I've been having some
trouble with my boyfriend.

Oh, no. They're my Kate and William.

His birthday weekend didn't go well,

so I've been overthinking everything.

He texted me "How ya doin'?"

and I panicked and sent
him an emoji of a cow.

I have no idea what it meant.

Tonight, he wants to Skype,

and I don't know whether it's
a sexy Skype or a breakup Skype.

I mean, what do I wear?

I don't want to be sitting there
in my nipple-less bra when...

he dumps me.

Oh, honey.

(sobbing): Oh, God!

This is empathy, right?

Hey, honey.

Excuse me.

Are you my fiance’s son?

Because I'm having
some forbidden feelings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I showered and shaved.

Clean hair, clean
teeth, clean underwear.

(sighs)

Wait, what's that I smell?

(sniffs) Mmm. It's nothing!

I think I'm ready to wash the
dog bowls and put them away.

Progress. Awesome, I love it.
Why don't you let me do it.

You go watch some TV and just relax.

Thanks, babe.

Hey, I was thinking maybe later
we could go out for dinner.

We could go to that place

where they flip the
shrimp in your mouth.

Yeah, I like that place.

Remember when I caught
one in my cleavage?

Ah, everybody enjoyed that.

(clanking)

This one's got to soak.

MAN (over TV): He's more than a dog.

He's your best friend.
(dog barks)

What are you watching?
What are you watching?

Ah, it's just a stupid commercial.

("Best Friend" by Harry
Nilsson playing over TV)

(sighs) They're best friends.
They grew up together.

(voice breaks): But now he's
too old to jump in the truck.

(sighs)

Hey.

CHRISTY: Hey.

Well, I'm not spending
the night at Adam's.

Weepy Sue is back with a vengeance.

I swear I've had all the sadness
I can take for a lifetime.

(crying softly)

(crying softly)

(wails): Oh!

(sighs)

Oh, no. What happened?

It wasn't sexy Skype.
It was breakup Skype.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry.

At least you dressed appropriately.

I was ready for both.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Thanks. It's new.

(sighs) What did Patrick say?

He asked me to go live
with him. (sniffles)

He said he would take care of me,

that I wouldn't have to work so much.

That way, we could
spend more time together.

But I said no, so he broke up with me.

Okay.

Why the hell would you say no?

I can't move three hours away.

- I have a life here.
- Ish.

Look, it may not be a great
life, but it is a life.

I'm not ready to just give all that up.

Well, I support you no
matter what, sweetie.

Thanks, Mom.

How 'bout I make you some tea,

and you go watch some TV
and-and get your mind off it.

I'd like that.

(sighs) What are you doing to me?

WOMAN (over TV): We now
return to Love Actually.

Nope.

- So how's Adam doing?
- Not great.

Last night, I made him hot
dogs and he burst into tears.

I mean, that is a
whisper-thin connection.

Bonnie, everybody takes
a different amount of time

to process grief.

I know the guy's
hurting, and I love him,

but sweet mother of pearl, this is hard.

I give him tissues, I
hold him, I make him soup.

And what is the deal
with sad people and soup?

He can't get enough soup.

It's too depressing when animals die.

It's why I couldn't become a vet.

And yet you became an
emergency room nurse.

What's your point?

I think it's sexy when a man's
in touch with his emotions.

Victor cried when my
calico Janis Joplin d*ed.

We made love with the
lights on that night.

Oh, look! Christy's here.

Hey!

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry, Christy.

I really thought you and
Patrick were gonna make it.

Thanks, Wendy.

At least it was a healthy
end to a healthy relationship.

(voice breaks): Healthiest
relationship I've ever had.

Did he actually use the
words "I'll take care of you"?

- He did.
- What's wrong with you?!

I don't know!

You know what, Christy,
I have got just the thing

to take your mind off your troubles.

Jill, again, I don't
want to steam my vag*na.

Okay, you didn't give that a chance.

But what I'm thinking
is we go to San Francisco

and shop until that hole in
your heart is full with Gucci.

That is so kind, but...

Christy, you have
always been there for me.

Let me do this for you.

Well...

I have always wanted to know

what it feels like to just
throw money at a problem.

Trust me, it'll get you all
tingly like a steamed vag*na.

(singsongy): Ooh, we're going shopping!

No, just Christy.

She's the one who's upset.

I don't know if you've heard,
but my fiance’s dog just d*ed.

(sportscast playing quietly over TV)

Aw, there you are,
right where I left you.

Hey.

I've heard one way to
raise a man's spirits

is to bring a third party
into the relationship.

I'm not in the mood for... Is
it Louise from Trader Joe's?

Close.

(singsongy): It's a puppy!

And he's from the Third Street Shelter.

Bonnie, what are you doing?

I'm trying to hand you an adorable puppy

that will make you
happy. You're welcome.

I-I'm not, I'm not gonna take him.

But, honey, he's got puppy breath

and he wants you to be his new daddy.

Look, I appreciate what
you're trying to do,

but I-I'm not ready for another dog.

Why not? You've got those clean bowls.

You're halfway there.

I'm still grieving over Samson.

- It's only been a couple of weeks.
- days.

Bonnie, listen to me.

I know to you I only lost a
dog, but to me, I lost a friend

that got me through the
roughest time in my life.

Well, you're gonna
have more rough times.

I mean, you are marrying me.

And maybe this little fella can help.

I mean, I got stuck
behind a garbage truck

on my way over here, narrow street,

no way to get around
him, and I glance over,

and this guy is giving me
a very encouraging look.

Made a difference.

Just flipped a switch right in here.

Take the dog and-and just go.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Fine.

I asked you to do one thing.

This'll make you forget about Patrick.

This'll make you forget you
didn't get into law school.

This'll make you forget
you live with your mom.

Okay, if we're gonna
list all my problems,

we're gonna run out of dresses.

Uh, these are too expensive.

I got to tell you, Jill,
I really appreciate this,

but I'm just so much more
comfortable at an outlet mall.

Outlet mall?

Can't heal a sad
person with sad clothes.

Nothing's gonna heal me.

Why don't you try talking about it?

You know, I took an
online class in listening.

Forgetting myself... and go.

Jill, I really don't
want to talk about this.

Especially with you not blinking.

It's freaking me out.

Come on, give me one chance.

Forgetting myself... and go.

I really don't want to do this.

Trust me, it'll make you feel better.

Forgetting myself and go!

Fine.

I can't help thinking I
made a mistake with Patrick.

Oh, hell no!

- So you think I did the right thing?
- No, shh!

My ex-husband's new
wife just walked in.

I didn't get a good look.

Tell me if she lost the baby weight.

Wow, is she a professional dancer?

No, she's a professional
husband stealer.

Slash highly-regarded anesthesiologist.

CHRISTY: What are we doing?

- I can't let her see me.
- Why?

'Cause she'll think I'm stalking her.

Why would she think that?

'Cause I had a dark six
weeks where I totally was.

Mmm. Isn't he cute?

- Yeah.
- You can name him anything you want.

Have you named one after
Steve Miller yet? Look at him.

He's a joker, he's a smoker,
he's a midnight toker.

He is adorable,

but I'm pretty well
established as a cat person.

Exactly.

Eight cats and you're
the crazy cat lady.

Eight cats and one dog,
you just love animals.

Who rescued who, am I right?

Did you ask Wendy? She seems lonely.

Yeah, already tried her.

She lives with four other nurses.

It's like a sitcom over there.

(sighs) I wish Adam
would just take the dog.

Let me ask you something.

Did you get this dog
to make him feel better

- or make you feel better?
- Aren't those the same thing?

Bonnie, you're gonna have to
learn to weather these storms

if you want to be
together for the long haul.

But he's the rock.

- Well, why can't you be the rock?
- Because I'm the river.

The roaring river.

I cut through the rock
and make the Grand Canyon,

and people come from
miles around to behold me.

- Wow.
- I knew you wouldn't get it.

Listen, in any relationship,

emotional support has
to be a two-way street.

I'm not sure I buy that, but
someone's tail is wagging.

(high-pitched): "Oh, teach
me how to love, Marjorie."

Nothing?

(scoffs)

You don't want to live with
her. She's the crazy cat lady.

Look at her, shopping for scarves

like she's queen of the world.

Oh, here comes the hat show.

Hey, maybe she's shopping
'cause she's miserable, like me.

Oh, that'd be great. Go find out.

What? I don't even know her.

Look, you do this for me,
and I'll take you to that...

(groans): Old Navy.

Wait here.

That's a lovely hat.

You really think I can
pull off this color?

Mm, pretty sure you
could pull off anything.

Thank you.

Ugh.

Don't need another one of these.

Hi. Me again.

Ugh.

So, uh, you shopping
for a special occasion?

Anniversary dinner. Three years.

Oh.

Ah, I remember my third anniversary.

That's when you realize what
you're really married to.

Not for us.

My friends get sick of hearing
this, but we are so happy.

It's like we just started dating.

Oh, that's sweet.

But, uh, having a baby,
that's like R.I.P. sex life.

Oh, no, we are fine in that department.

Your husband sounds perfect.

Oh, no, he is not perfect.

Really? In what way?

He sends me too many flowers.

Of course he does.

- Anyway, it was nice meeting you.
- You, too.

Bye, Penelope.

Uh, I didn't tell you
my daughter's name.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

You're tired.

You're probably right.

(chuckles): Bye. Bye.

(sobbing)

(sniffling)

Do you think maybe I should drive?

Oh, for God's sakes,
Christy, I can drive and cry.

I do it all the time!

Can we at least keep a foot
between us and that truck?

It's got all those
symbols for explodey stuff.

(clears throat)

I'm sorry I ruined our shopping vacay.

Let's talk about you and Patrick.

No, I'm fine.

I mean it, Christy. Get my mind off me.

Jill, I'd rather...

Talk about Patrick!
Forgetting myself and go!

Okay. Uh...

I guess I'm worried I'm
just afraid to be happy.

I mean, is it so crazy
to pick up my life

and see where it goes in Santa Cruz?

They have law schools
there. They have meetings.

When I met James, I
picked up my whole life

and moved from Charleston to
California just to be with him.

Really?

You know what kind of
culture shock that is?

I had to lose my accent
just to fit in with y'all.

And it was worth it.

And I'm not even willing to
move three hours from here

to a lovely seaside community.

Where my mother doesn't live.

What is wrong with me?

I loved James so much, I
would've moved to the moon

if he asked me to.

And I wouldn't.

Maybe I don't love Patrick.

Sweetie, I think if you
have to ask the question,

then you don't.

But I really feel like I should.

Just because he's a thousand
times better than anybody else

you've ever dated
doesn't mean he's the one.

Huh.

I know that running into your
ex's wife ripped your guts out,

but, boy, did it help me.

You're welcome.

(sniffles)

Oh! And here come your outlet stores.

Mm, there's even a Der Wienerschnitzel.

Yay! Der Wienerschnitzel!

Now, this show has some nudity,

but nothing you didn't already see

when you barged in
on me taking a shower.

(knock on door)

Oh. You stay here, I'll get the door.

Hey, don't change the channel.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What brings you by?

Well, what always brings
me by after we fight:

I'm caving.

Well, let me put the puppy in his crate,

so you don't have to look at him.

Bonnie, it's okay.

I know I haven't been easy
to be around, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I shouldn't have tried to tell
you how you're supposed to feel

or when you should be done feeling it.

If you need to be the raging
river, I can be the rock.

Lucky for you, I only go full river

about once every ten years.

Last time was when Derek Jeter retired

and they had that
commercial where he was

walking through the streets of New York.

(voice breaks): The last hero.

I think he likes you.

(sighs): Oh.

What's his name?

Well, up until this point,
his name has been "No,"

sometimes "Damn it," and
occasionally "Not on the rug."

Do you like any of those names?

Hmm? I didn't think so.

How about... Gus?

Does this mean you're keeping him?

I think it means I'm
stuck with both of you.

How 'bout we call him Sebastian?

I already named him Gus.

Butterscotch? Gus.

Bon Jovi?

- Gus.
- We'll talk about it later.

Oh!

Who's the best boy?

You're the best boy.

Did you like your puppy chow?
Was it too dry?

Was it too wet?

Or was it just right?

(baby talking)

Oh, I could snuggle with you all
day, but it's time for walkies.

Now, it's wet outside,

so Mommy's gonna put on your raincoat.

I know you don't like it,
but it's what's good for you.

And that's my job, to take care of you.

Oh! (baby talking)

I just love you so much.

So you had it in you all along!