01x02 - Stevens Genes

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

I have bad news for you, boys.

Spike Jurgens is off the track team.

His G.P.A. dropped below a "C."

He's the only guy who needed a tutor
for wood shop and still failed.

(LAUGHS)

TUGNUT: Mike will be back on the team
when he brings his grades up.

-That means never.
-TUGNUT: The good news is

one of you lucky seventh graders
has a chance to fill in

for the big meet against Rockport.

What's he trying to tell us, Lou?

Oh, that they need somebody to carry
their smelly track shoes.

(SNICKERS)

Did I say something funny, Stevens?

Um... No, sir, never.

You may not take this seriously, boy,

but we all owe a debt of
gratitude to your brother,

the great Donnie Stevens.

The boy, no, the man, who still holds
the state record for the -yard dash.

And the record in our house
for the longest time spent

-in front of the mirror.
-(TWITTY LAUGHING)

Now that he's gone to high school,
there's a huge void in our sports program.

Donnie Stevens is over.

It's my turn now.

We need to find a man among you boys.

A man who is willing to be
all that he can be.

Who can step up to the plate

and carry on the winning tradition
Donnie Stevens started here at Lawrence.

TUGNUT: If that man is out there...

Coach Tugnut wants you.

-(BOTH SNICKERING)
-And right face!

Bow your heads.

TUGNUT: All of you!

Okay, everybody, out on the track.

TUGNUT: Go!

REN: The talented Mr. Ridgeley,
history teacher.

Oh! I'm good.

-Hi, Ren, can I help you?
-Oh, hi, Mr. Walsh.

I was just handing in
my most recent article.

This one makes my piece
on the dangers of chalk dust

look like child's play.

Great, 'cause I want you
to cover something else for me.

-Who, what, where, when, why?
-WALSH: Good!

'Cause you can ask those questions
on Friday at the big track meet.

Sports? Me?

Ren, this assignment is an honor.

Sports writing is a dignified
aspect of journalism.

-Nobody else wanted to do it?
-Exactly.

Well, no problem.
I'll just, uh, add my own spin on it.

-Okay.
-I will not let you down, Mr. Walsh.

-I know you won't.
-(REN CHUCKLES)

Ren Stevens spews sports. I like it.

Hey, Twitty, if you got a haircut
you might be able to see the finish line.

I just got it cut.

TUGNUT: And go!

-(TIMER BEEPS)
- seconds.

Did you stop and get a burger?
Get the lead out.

What do you want from me?
I'm retaining water.

-Go!
-(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

Twenty-six seven.
Okay, if speed kills, you'll live forever.

-TUGNUT: Go!
-(BEEPS)

(BEEPS)

Empty that diaper,
I think you'll run faster.

-Louis.
-Yeah, good to see you.

Oh! Donnie Stevens' kid brother.

Why don't I just use an hourglass?

Better yet, a calendar.

I hope you make your brother proud.

Go!

(BEEPS)

Whoa! Yo, coach!

-Yo, check it out.
-Who's that, Louis?

LARRY: Louis Stevens,
Donnie Stevens' kid brother.

That's better than Donnie Stevens' time.

I know.

He's got more of his brother
in him than I thought.

I can't believe I'm fast.

Well, the stopwatch doesn't lie, Louis.

You mean all those times
I was chased home from school

I could have gotten away?

Yeah, you're just a late bloomer.

Well, I do eat a lot of Wheaties.

Mm, I always knew you had it in you.

Then why did you say
I was as slow as molasses?

Molasses... The famous racehorse.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Anyway, what's important is,
the Stevens gene lives on.

(CHUCKLES) Looking good! Yeah!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

REN: Oh, Coach Tugnut, wait.

-Hey, Ren.
-Hi.

-I suppose you've heard the news.
-What news?

About your brother, Louis.

(LAUGHS) Burping
The Star-Spangled Banner is not news.

(LAUGHS) No, nothing like that!
Clever little imp.

-He made the track team.
-Louis?

Yeah. With the times he clocked today
he could be the fastest kid we have.

Even faster than your older brother,
uh... What's his name? (CHUCKLES)

Have we got a surprise
for Rockport! (CHUCKLES)

Yeah!

Louis?

So, the next thing I know
they're putting me on the track team.

Only time I've seen you run fast
is to the dinner table.

That's great, honey, but do you
want to be on the track team?

Well, yeah. If I can make
a name for myself, why not?

Funny guys can run.
Bill Cosby was on his track team.

Hey, well, welcome to the family, Louis.

-Thanks.
-(LAUGHS)

Guess who's covering
Friday's meet for the school paper

and Louis' big news.

So, instead of the boring sports angle,

I've decided to turn this
into a human-interest piece.

Louis, how does it feel
to be part of the legacy?

Who cares about that? I mean...

LOUIS: I don't care if
anyone remembers me.

Fame, fortune, you can have that.

(CROWDS CHEERING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

LOUIS: Autograph parties
and big-time endorsements,

they mean nothing to me.

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

LOUIS: I'm just in it
for the love of the game.

Hey, Donnie, I just want to thank you
for inviting me to work out with you, man.

(PANTS) No problem, Louis.

Look, if you want to lead Lawrence
to a victory over Rockport,

you got to be in shape.

Okay, here you go, your turn.

(DONNIE GROANING)

I don't see why we need to clutter
up the bar with all this iron.

Look, Louis,

now that you're one of the family,

I'm going to share a secret with you.

-Okay. All right.
-Get out of the blocks fast.

Never look left or right,
always keep your eye on the finish line,

and remember, the most important
thing is your finishing kick.

Oh, yeah, and, uh, uh... mousse.

-Mousse?
-Mousse.

It makes you, uh, more aerodynamic.

Oh, and... you look good
crossing the finish line.

-Huh.
-Which reminds me,

Louis, if you want to move like the wind,

you should really shave your legs.

Shave my legs?

Yeah, yeah, Donnie, I'm running track.
I'm not modeling pantyhose.

-You want to be a winner, don't you?
-Yeah.

Milliseconds can make a difference.

-Go on.
-All right, okay, I got it.

-Let's go. You ready?
-Yeah, I'm ready.

All right.

-You got it?
-I got it.

-You got it?
-I got it.

-You got it.
-I got it.

-(THUDDING)
-I don't got it! I don't got it.

GIRL: So, I hear
you're on the track team.

Well, yeah, they begged me to bail them
out on the big meet on Friday.

Right, so you're going to carry
their smelly track shoes.

No!

Uh, hey, Stevens?

-Me?
-Yeah. Sit down.

Are you going to sit down, or what?

Um...

No, I, I'm going to go sit over there.

You roll with the big dogs now! (BARKS)

I'm gonna go roll with the big dogs.

Hey, guys.

-Yo, Stevens.
-Hey.

Later today at practice, it's you and me.

The two top runners
always work out together.

That's cool.

-Pull!
-(LAUGHING)

See, that's what I like to see,
a guy who uses his head.

Shouldn't you be hanging out
with your nerdy friends, Stevens?

I am hanging out with my nerdy friends.

(LAUGHS)

You know, it's a good thing
you're a fast runner, Stevens.

Hey! This is Donnie Stevens' kid brother,

Louis "the blur" Stevens.

-The blur.
-The blur.

I mean, he's our only hope
for b*ating Rockport.

Oh. Sorry, man.

-(LAUGHS)
-Got milk?

I need a statement from the track team
about the big meet with Rockport.

Uh, sorry, I get paid for my interviews.

Maybe the story is not about you
this time, Mr. Larry Beale.

Maybe the story
is about my brother, Louis.

(LAUGHS)

Oh. Oh, yeah,
the fastest person on the team.

-Fastest.
-Yeah. I guess I'm old news, champ.

So, Louis, what do you want
to say to your public about the big meet?

Well, um...
I guess what I want to say...

Is, um...

-I know it's going to be tough.
-(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)

I know that they're undefeated,
but that's all over now.

-Me and my roll dogs...
-LARRY: Yeah! (BARKING)

Roll dogs, right... are going to, um...

crush the Rockport team!

And they're going down.

-Down.
-Write that down. Write it down.

Louis, with an "L."

Hey, Larry. How you doing, man?

Yo, Stevens,
where have you been? You're late.

Oh, sorry.

-What did you do to your hair?
-(LAUGHS) Nothing.

-Well, there's gunk in it.
-No, there's not, dude.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that... That...
That was a food fight.

We had lunch together. How did I miss it?

Um, it was fast food.

Don't you ever just turn it off? Come on!

Turn what off?

I'm not even going to ask.

Ask what?

You hear the one
about the chicken and the goose?

-This chicken--
-On your mark, get set...

Go!

(LAUGHS)

(LOUIS PANTS)

Don't sweat it.
I think you got off the blocks late.

No, dude. I mean,
you b*at me fair and square.

You're really fast.

-Hey, Larry?
-What?

If you don't mind, um...

Well...

I... I think it's your finishing kick.

I mean, that's where you're losing it.

Go again? Come on, Beale!

Larry...

If you're looking for the track star, he's
over there working on his finishing kick.

(REN CHUCKLES)

You know, Larry, I was watching
you and my brother at practice today.

-You were holding back.
-Now, why would I do that?

Hmm, now, see, that's
what I want to know.

You're tripping, lady.

Don't mess with my brother.

LOUIS: Go!

(TIMER BEEPS)

Oh... my... goodness!

-Hey, Louis.
-Hey.

If you want another statement, you're
going to have to wait a second, all right?

Louis... (SIGHS)

Now, I know you're not going
to like what I'm about to say,

but... I just timed you.

-I'm faster than Donnie, aren't I?
-Twenty-five flat.

That's a little off, huh?

(LAUGHS) Louis, flat...
Babies crawl faster than that.

Yeah, well, I just ran
a bunch of sprints, Ren.

Maybe I'm tired.

Who timed you in your first time-trial?

Beale. So?

So, he... He makes you go over there
and practice all by yourself.

Yeah, well, the best two runners
always practice together.

Can't you see what he's doing?
He is setting you up.

You're saying that Larry Beale
is losing to me on purpose?

-Yeah.
-No. I'm a Stevens.

Beale hates Stevens.

(SIGHS) That's it!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Okay, he faked your time
'cause if he b*at you in the big meet,

he will have beaten
the fastest Stevens of all.

No, that's ridiculous.

-No, that's exactly like Larry.
-What is the matter?

You think you and Donnie can have
all the attention all the time?

-No.
-Yes, you do.

And Larry Beale is your enemy, not mine.

So why don't you let me
be good at something for once?

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS) One...

(GROANS) Two...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Just a minute.

Thirty-four, thirty-five...

Thirty-six, thirty-seven...

Come in. .

Hey. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

Um, Louis, I want you to know

that I'm sorry about
what I said this afternoon.

-And...
-LOUIS: And what?

That I'm... proud... proud of you.

You're proud of me?

Right.

Wow, you almost had me there,
for a second.

So I suggest that you get back
in your spaceship

-and beam down my sister.
-Look, you were right.

I guess it was just a touch of jealousy,
but... now I'm over it.

Right. All right.

Louis, I want you to remember one thing.

-Well, what?
-Winning isn't everything.

In this family, it is.

No, it's not.

Mom is a state senator, and...

you know, Dad's a famous lawyer.

Donnie's a sports jock.

And you're good at everything.

You know, everybody
in this family has their thing.

And now that I have mine, I'm not going
to let you take it away from me.

You have your thing.

You're... funny.

-You think I'm funny?
-Yeah, sometimes.

Thanks.

Well, I got to get back.

-I got to get back to this.
-Okay.

-Yeah. Goodnight.
-Yeah, goodnight.

(SPLUTTERS) One...

Good to see you!
Oh, I'm sorry, honey!

Hey, Louis, you see
those guys over there?

DONNIE: They're going to do
everything they can to psyche you out.

Just ignore them, okay?

-Got it. Got it.
-Okay.

Whoa, Donnie Stevens!
Can I have your autograph?

Ah, sure, kid.

Hey, there's pain happening here.

There is pain happening here!

Wow, thanks, man!

You know, after today, Louis...

You'll be the one signing autographs.

You know, these hamstrings
are really tight.

When was the last time you stretched?

I don't have a schedule
with me right now,

but if I were to guess, uh, never!

(LOUIS GROANS)

Gather around, men.

Beale and Stevens,
you're in the "A" heat.

Now, their main
man is Trevor Dunn.

Louis, I know you can take him.

Remember, it's not
whether you win or lose,

as long as you come in first.

Get to it!

-Good luck.
-Luck won't save you.

Listen, this isn't practice anymore,
scrub, so I won't be holding back.

I'm going to clean your clock.

(LAUGHS) A psych-out.

Yeah, well, I wasn't holding back, either.

Yeah, right, I bet.

LOUIS: Explode off the blocks,
run your own race,

keep your eye on the finish line.

LARRY: Today begins
the Larry Beale dynasty.

TREVOR: Mousse in the morning,
conditioner at night.

Mousse in the morning,
conditioner at night.

Come on, Stevens.
Come on, Stevens. It's all you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Go! Go, Lou!
-Go, Louis!

Yeah, go, Lou!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Go, Lou! Go!
Run! Run! That's it!

Run! Go!

CROWD: Louis! Louis! Louis!

Go, Louis! You can win!

DONNIE: Run, Louis!

Run, Louis! Run!

(ECHOING) Run, Louis! Go!

Got you, little punk.

-Oh, God.
-You okay, man?

I don't know. My ankle.

Aw, man, what am I going to do?

Relax. See, help is on the way.

LOUIS: Aw.

Talk about the agony of "de-feet."

That's a good one.

Please, no standing ovations.

CROWD: Louis! Louis! Louis!

Speaking of stinky feet,

don't take that shoe off
or I'm going to pass out

and fall on your other leg.

Just tell them to wrap the cast
right around the shoe, okay?

-You're funny.
-Thanks, man.

(PAINED LAUGHTER)

That's it. That's the spin
I've been looking for.

Larry! La... No, it's Larry, Larry.

Louis! Louis! Louis!

Well, the best thing happened to me today.

A kid called me funny.

And as much as I like being
on the track team

and hanging out with my brother,

I like being funny more.

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything, sir.

(SNIFFS) That's good
for another three weeks.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Stevens! Hey, um...

(SIGHS) What do you want, Larry?

Um, what's up with the headline?
I trounced Rockport and you know it.

It's in there.

A little bitty article on page four.
It should be on the cover.

You know, the fastest person on our team

gives up certain victory
to help his fallen opponent.

I think that's a better story.

Your little brother couldn't b*at
a three-legged turtle and you know it.

Yeah, then, you should be thanking me
for not printing this scandalous article

about a student who falsified times
and lied to the coach.

(TUTS)

Now, that could get him kicked
off the track team for... life.

-You're good.
-I'm a Stevens.

Mr. Beale.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)