01x03 - Take My Sister... Please

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

ANNOUNCER: It's been a magical
evening here tonight,

but now it's time for the award
you've all been waiting for.

The award for best
new young talent.

This year's award
goes to Louis Stevens.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

LOUIS: Oh, wow!
Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks.
I want to thank all the guys.

Michael Richards.
Uh, uh, Chris Rock. Adam.

You guys have no idea

how hard I've worked
to get this trophy.

Not just this trophy...

but any trophy.

Louis, what are you doing?

-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-Hey, Ma.

Oh, I'm just picturing how my trophy
is going to look

when I win first place
at the talent show.

-(CHUCKLING) Oh!
-LOUIS: Yeah.

Don't rehearsals start today?

No. No, no, no, Mom.
It's Tuesday at : .

Honey, today is Tuesday
And it's already, uh... : .

Have a good time!

...all work together,
we can make this

the best talent show
Lawrence Junior High School

has ever put on.

This auditorium's perfect.
Yo, Ivan, make sure the guide wires

are able to support the weight
of the elephant.

-Check.
-And be sure

the guy with the giant pooper-scooper
shows up this time.

Pooper-scooper.

Ixnay on the elephant-sgay.

Can it, Beale. We know you
don't have an elephant in your act.

You'll be singing a different tune
when me and my elephant

stomp off with the first-place trophy.
Thanks.

The talent show
isn't about winning, Larry.

It's about coming together
for a common cause.

Spoken like a true loser.

-(SCOFFS) Whatever.
-(CRASHING)

(CLATTERING)

Ah, Louis Stevens.
Are you lost?

No. Came to check out
my first-place trophy.

Oh! Well, listen, take a seat.

We're about to go over
the rehearsal schedule.

All right. Okay.
Excuse me.

Pardon me, excuse me, pardon me.

Was that your toe?
Sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I'm sorry, Louis,

but your name's not on my list
of contestants.

No? It's not on the list?

All right. Excuse me.

One more time.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Oh! Was that your toe again?
-Yes.

I'm sorry about that.
Excuse me, Larry.

Excuse me, Larry.

Um... did you sign up?

I didn't see the sign-up sheet.

There was one posted in Study Hall.

A place you obviously haven't been.

(SNICKERING)

I've been to Study Hall.

It's just...
This has been a busy week.

It's been posted for a month.

Sorry, Louis, but today
was the cutoff at : .

All right, I messed up. Okay?
I'm sorry, guys, I messed up, but...

I mean, I'm here now,
and I know Miss Baker

isn't going to allow herself

to be a sl*ve to a list.

Louis, you can't be in the show.

It's totally full.

Well, what if you cut...

What if you cut like, two minutes
from everyone's act?

Then everybody would have eight minutes,
and you'd have a half an hour.

(LAUGHTER)

That's cool.

Oh. Oh. Miss Baker.
Miss Baker.

I know how much Louis, my brother
wants to be in the show

so... I will sacrifice two minutes.

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)
That's very nice, Ren.

(INAUDIBLE)

But the roster,
i-it's totally full.

Um... listen, I tell you what.

If somebody drops out,
you can have their spot.

-All right.
-We have any takers?

Any takers?

We got... We got a taker.
Right here.

-No.
-No.

Okay.

I need to get on with this
rehearsal schedule.

I got to get in that show, buddy.

I just love talent shows.

Everyone is so... talented.

What if I do something
from Romeo and Juliet?

Everyone identifies with the star-crossed
ill-fated lovers.

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Just came to tell you
that your singing... is magical.

(VOCALIZING)

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

LOUIS: I'll bet a lot of people'd like it.

(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)

It's beautiful.

Why, thank you, Louis.

But Beale,

he gives us fun, pageantry
and excitement.

Next to that, opera is boring.

In fact, they would've named it
"boring,"

but it was already taken by ballet.

I thought you said
you liked my singing, Louis.

I do. I like your singing.
But everyone's not as cultured

-as I am, Ren.
-I'm sure people are sick

of Beale's phony illusions by now.

But why leave it to chance?
It'd only be a short time for me

-to rework my routine.
-(SIGHS)

And there could be a two-man act.
We could win this thing.

Louis, you heard Miss Baker.

You're just going to have
to wait till next year.

Let's cut right to the chase, Ren.

You and Donnie win things all the time.
I want this.

Well, you win stuff.

Being awarded "worst case of poison ivy"
at Camp Wocheeka does not count.

(SCOFFS)
I’m... I'm sorry. (SNICKERS)

LOUIS: Sit with the idea
a few days! Own it! Take it for a spin!

Tawny!

I've been looking all over for you!

You know...
I wrote the funniest routine

for you and me to do
at the talent show.

-I don't do funny.
-Well, that's the beauty part.

You don't have to be funny.

Let me put it to you
another way, Louis.

-I don't work with you.
-Oh.

I'm reciting an uplifting
and inspirational poem.

(SNICKERS) Yeah, that's sure
to have them in the aisles.

Look. I don't do funny
because I don't want to be funny.

Do you see this face?

Yeah.

This is me being funny.

There's always next year, Louis.

Next year?

Next year might be too late.
Okay?

Men don't live long
in my family, Tawny!

Tawny!

STEVE: What's green
and goes miles an hour?

-DONNIE: Oh, gee.
-A frog in a blender.

-(LAUGHTER)
-All right. Hold it! Look, look.

Today at practice,
I ran six touchdowns.

The coach says that might be a new
quarterback record.

Well, congratulations, honey.

Hey, that's excellent.
Son, you're on your way

-to a sure football scholarship.
-I know.

-STEVE: Mm-hmm!
-Know what I was just thinking?

I was thinking about all those times
when we were little

-and all that stuff we used to do.
-No.

Yeah.

We were inseparable.

Oh, that's right. That's right.
Uh, we shared a playpen,

and you vomited on me.

Hmm. Happy, happy times.

Hey. What's going on, you two?

He wanted to sign up
for the talent competition,

and all the spots are taken.

So now you're trying
to horn in on mine.

-No, I'm not.
-Well, Ren... he's your brother.

You know how important
this is to him.

Oh. Why don't you
do something together?

Mom, please.

Ha!

Do you remember...

Remember that cute little song
they used to sing when they were little?

Oh, they had a whole routine worked out.
They were so adorable.

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

(SINGING) Tea for two
And two for tea

(SINGING ALONG)
Me for you

And you for me

Oh, can't you see
How happy we will be?

(IMITATING INSTRUMENTS)

-Mom, Dad.
-You guys

are such a great team,
You're like Nichols and May.

Who's that?

-Stiller and Meara.
-Who?

Beavis and Butthead?

-Oh. All right.
-REN: Ew.

Well, honey, we're not
going to make you do it.

I mean, it's your choice.

I am just a fan.

A fan.

Who happens
to control your allowance.

(LOUIS HUMMING "TEA FOR TWO")

-(GIRL EXHALES)
-LOUIS: Good job.

-Louis, I'm not so sure about this act.
-Ren, listen to me, okay?

This act is gold.

I almost sold this very act
to Jay Leno.

Okay, but I'm just going on the record
saying I'm doing this

-for Mom and Dad.
-I know. Me, too.

-All right, you nervous? Good.
-No.

Hi.

Louis.

I know history is your favorite class.

So what are you studying now,
the Revolutionary w*r?

Uh-huh, and old Miss Pringle
makes it very interesting.

-Why's that?
-'Cause she was there.

(LAUGHTER)

So you're saying your history
teacher is old.

-How old is she?
-Let's put it this way:

Her social security number... is one.

Miss Pringle's from a small town
in Kansas, isn't she?

Very small.
In fact, it's so small

that when people
are walking across the street

the sign flashes "mosey"
and "don't mosey."

(LAUGHTER)

-They're good.
-Yeah.

That's not good.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

No.

Hey, I caught your brother's act today.
It was good.

-Hmm! What are you up to, Beale?
-Chill, girl,

-I was just paying a compliment.
-(SCOFFS)

I thought you did the right thing
dropping out of the show to help Louis.

I did not drop out.

Louis and I are a two-man act,
a duo.

You're just scared 'cause we're funny,
and we might b*at you.

Louis is funny, but you...

You're just the straight man,
the flunky.

Look.

I know that Louis has done some
pretty rotten things in the past,

but he would not use me.
We're a... We're a team.

Oh, yeah?
And one of your jokes is...?

Well, I say...

-Well, I say...
-Uh-huh.

Later, flunky.

BEALE'S VOICE:
You're just a straight man.

The flunky. The flunky. The flunky.

I'm so glad Louis and Ren
are finally doing something together.

-Me, too.
-Yeah, you know what?

It's so nice to see little ones
getting along so well.

Aw. And isn't it nice that you

can still appreciate it,
old man.

-(CHUCKLES)
-You know, I used to do

a little performing myself
back in college.

Really?

I don't remember you performing.

Yes. My first year of law school.
I had a little juggling act.

Oh, goodness.

STEVENS: Here.

Funny, I don't remember you
being a juggler, Dad.

Let me show you.

Uh...

EILEEN: Honey? Uh...

(CHUCKLES)

Another one.

Another one.

Another!

One more!

(BRASS BASS BLOWING)

(SNICKERS)

Well, looks like omelets
for breakfast.

Mosey...

Don't mosey.
(LAUGHS)

cr*ck myself up.

Oh, hey, Ren.
Just making some tweaks

to the, uh, act.

But it's gold. It's brilliant.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

We're gonna k*ll at the talent show.

Don't you mean
you're going to k*ll?

No, I said, "we're gonna k*ll."
It's our act.

Well, if it's our act,
then how come

all I do is ask questions
while you get all the jokes?

-Louis, I am not your flunky.
-I know.

Ren, you say a lot of jokes.

You say that one
about the turtle...

-That's mine.
-REN: Mm-hmm.

But you do say that one
about the old one...

I didn't know
you wanted to be funny.

When Larry Beale told me
what you were up to

I didn't want to believe him,
but it's true, isn't it?

Please tell me,
tell me that I'm wrong.

You're making too much of this.

-Am I?
-Mm-hmm.

Look,

you went through a lot of trouble
to set this up.

And it so obvious that it means

a lot more to you
than it does to me, so...

tell you what.

Since you want it so badly,
you can have it.

'Cause I quit.

Fine.

Whoever said,
"children are our future"

must have been talking
about this next young lady.

The pride of Ms. Montague's homeroom,
Tawny Dean.

(APPLAUSE)

I'm going to recite an original poem
called "Too Bad."

You think your life is different.
It's not.

Your life is the same as her life,
as his life.

As all of their lives.

Too bad.

For you, I mean.

Because I'm an original.

And you're not.

And that's just...

too bad.

(SOLITARY CLAPPING)

Did you understand that?

Not a word.
But, boy, is she hot, huh? Ha!

(LAUGHING)

You really think you're gonna b*at me
with those lame jokes?

-Get real.
-Yeah, get real.

You don't think you're gonna b*at me
with that tired magic act, do you?

I'm making a stealth
bomber disappear.

Yeah? Larry's making a stealth
bomber disappear.

-Wow.
-Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up

for the magical stylings
of Larry Beale.

(APPLAUSE)

So, this year,
instead of my magic act,

we're going to do something
entirely different.

So folks, give a round of applause
for my boy,

my assistant, Ivan.

(APPLAUSE)

So, Larry, I hear that your favorite
subject in school is history.

Yeah. And my history teacher

old Miss Pringle, knows how to make it
very interesting.

Why is that?

Because she was there.

So, wait a second.

What you're saying is,
your history teacher's old.

-How old is she?
-Let's just put it this way:

Her social security number

-is one. One!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I like that.
Thank you.

So old Miss Pringle,

she comes from a small town
in Kansas, right?

Really small.

-When people cross the street...
-Yeah?

the sign flashes "mosey"
and "don't mosey."

Don't mo... (LAUGHS)

I guess I had it coming.

But I saw a chance for me
to finally be up on stage

performing like all my heroes...

and getting a trophy for it.

I mean, I know it was wrong,
but it was sort of like

I was possessed by the soul
of an unknown comic.

Hey.

-You know, Beale stole my jokes.
-I know.

LOUIS: Well...

What a heel.

I know you wanted to win, Louis,
but it's not the end of the world.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

Ren...

I'm really, really sorry.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I wouldn't want to be
the unlucky person

who has to follow me,
you know what I'm saying?

Louis, come on.

-You're next.
-I don't have any more jokes.

-He took all my jokes.
-You have lots of jokes. Go.

Yeah, but none are good enough.
If I go out there,

I'm just going
to embarrass myself, Ren.

-I'm not doing that.
-Well...

what if we did something together,
sort of shared the embarrassment?

You'd go out there with me
after what I did?

MS. BAKER: Louis!

Sure. And I have an idea...

that just might work.

Opera? Are you insane?

-You're insane.
-No!

You know how Mom talked about
how we performed when we were little?

-I don't like where this is going.
-You owe me.

I'm not doing it, Ren.
I'm not doing it.

-I'm not doing it.
-(APPLAUSE)

(SINGING OPERA)

(LOUIS MOUTHING WORDS)

(LAUGHTER)

(LIP SYNCING MALE OPERA SINGER)

-(INAUDIBLE)
-(APPLAUSE, CHEERING CONTINUES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MOUTHING) Thank you.

Woo! All the way
from Lawrence Junior High...

-it's the Stevens!
-Lou, you and Ren

-were terrific together.
-Thank you, Dad.

-Thank you. Nice shirt.
-Aw. My two babies

were on stage together
And you were so wonderful.

-Thank you.
-Donnie got everything on tape.

-See?
-Oh.

Let's celebrate.
How about some ice cream?

Count me in.

When I was an undergrad
I had this plate-spinning act.

-Bring this camera, I'll show you.
-(LAUGHS) I gotta see this. Hold on.

Plate spinning?
Not with my dishes,

-you don't.
-Yeah.

(REN SIGHS)

This is yours.

No, I couldn't. You've been
waiting all your life for this.

Yeah, but I couldn't
have gotten it without you.

I mean, it was our act,
so it's your trophy.

Thanks.

Guess we really taught Larry Beale
how to put on an act, huh?

(LAUGHING) Oh, we did.

You're not really going to keep that,
are you, Ren?

You're supposed to give it back
one more time.

-Why?
-That's the comic rule of three.

I don't know that rule.

That's 'cause you
don't understand comedy.

I'll teach you.

Meet at my room?
Bring the trophy, okay?

Please?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)