01x08 - Family Picnic

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SPRING BOINGS)

(SLURPING)

(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)

(expl*si*n)

Come on, mate.

-Put your back into it.
-(LOUIS GROANING)

LOUIS: Wondering why I'm mowing
captain kangaroo's front lawn?

Well, believe it or not,
it's kind of a simple story.

What you need to know is that
every year, my Dad's law firm,

Demming, Demming and Demming...

No, they're not related...

They have their annual
company picnic.

And you know my family.
We start preparing weeks in advance.

For me, next to getting my teeth
drilled...

Well peeled, Renny.

LOUIS: ...it's the most
miserable day of the year.

Why? Because the highlight
is a little event

they like to call
"the family decathlon."

Good loft
on those hops, son.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Let's huddle up a second!

LOUIS: Thanks to drive,
determination, and teamwork

we've won the family decathlon
two years in a row.

Does my dad take it seriously?
Now, that's like asking,

"Did Shaq have a growth spurt?"

Wash in cold.
Tumble dry.

LOUIS: Now, some of the events
are sort of normal.

Best Apple Pie, Sack Race...

Now, some of the events like,
the Lady of the House Tree Climb...

-(EILEEN GROANS)
-Mom?

LOUIS: Yeah, those are a little
weird.

(EXHALES) Time?

Uh, . seconds.

(GROANS) Huh!

-Um, Mom...
-(EILEEN HUFFING)

-Mom, um, like I was saying,
-Ow!

Um, you know, it's the social event
of the season,

and I really want to go.

-Honey, it's just a movie.
-No, Mom.

It's not just a movie.
It's the new Jackie Chan film.

In the first scene,
he wipes out an entire evil army...

with one noodle.

Honey, I know you are not crazy
about going to this picnic.

But...look. Look at your father.

All right, Hoss!
This is our year!

And what are we going to do?

ALL: Threepeat! Threepeat!
Threepeat!

-You see?
-STEVE: Come on!

Aw, sweetie, all year round
he does everything for us.

This is the only time he ever asks us
to do anything for him.

-But, Mom, I want...
-Besides, Louis,

you don't think
we could win without you,

-do you?
-(SNICKERS) Yes.

We could not...Crazy Legs.

-Don't start with the cra...
-Crazy Legs.

-Mom!
-Crazy Legs.

-I'll go to the picnic.
-(LAUGHING)

But I'm not doing that. Serious.
No means no.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

(FEMALE SINGER SINGING)
Boogie...

They call me Crazy Legs
for my unusual technique.

It's already bad enough
you can't go to Jackie Chan,

but you actually have
to take this seriously.

But Dad bought me
a $ racing spoon, man.

Aren't picnics
supposed to be fun?

-(RECORD SCREECHING, MUSIC STOPS)
-Fun?

Are you kidding?

I have nightmares
of showing up at the race naked.

And that's fine,
it's just I don't have my spoon.

-TAWNY: Then why do it?
-Yeah, Louis, why?

Well, it's...
It's hard to explain.

I'm... I'm a Stevens,
and we have a motto:

"You dream it, you scheme it,
and you cream it."

What...does that mean?

I don't know.

Just give me my stupid egg,
I'm going home.

Hope that wasn't a $ egg.
(CHUCKLES)

Okay. Look,
forget the egg, Louis.

Your last name may be Stevens,

but you're not like the rest
of your family. You're just...

not.

Yeah, I know.

It's a picnic.
With some silly races.

If you don't want to do it,
you shouldn't have to.

You know, you're right.

I'm gonna tell my dad tonight.

STEVE: If we swing wide
around the pylon four,

I think we can cut the corner,

pick up maybe two and a half,
three seconds on the back stretch.

Good idea, Dad.
We are going to pulverize them!

That's my little angel.

Remember, it's not just the
three-legged race...

BOTH: It's four!

-Let's get a protein bar.
-Okay.

-Right, left...
-Uh, uh!

-Wait.
-Teamwork.

Right, left, right, left,
right, left!

Good girl.
How are you and Mom

-coming on your synchronized swimming?
-Great.

We are doing a salute to disco.

(SINGING)
Staying afloat, staying afloat.

-Fantastic.
-Mm-hmm.

The whole family's pumped
and ready.

-Well, Dad...
-What's the matter?

Dad, I'm worried
about Louis.

STEVE: Why?

Sometimes I don't think he's as
into this as all of us are.

STEVE: Let me tell you something
about Louis Stevens.

You know, he learned to walk
at six months.

I'll never forget it.

Your mom and I were in bed
reading the paper.

We thought Louis
was in his crib, but no.

Here comes old Lou
waltzing in

like he owned the place,
still in his diaper.

Climbed right into bed with us.

Now, granted, he didn't speak
until he was four and a half.

But the point is,

-I knew that day...
-(WOOD CREAKING)

...that underneath that poopy diaper
b*at the heart of a lion.

Oh!

Whoa!

Right, left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left.

-Son, are you okay?
-(PANTING) I'm fine.

I came to tell you...

I came...to tell you
that I can't.

Can't what?

Can't, uh... Can't, uh...

wait. Can't wait
to win the race tomorrow.

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: (ON P.A.) In lane five,
last year's third-place finisher,

-Louis "Crazy Legs" Stevens!
-(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: And in lane six,
last year's champion,

Dudley "El Diablo" Demming.

-(CROWD CHEERING)

-How do you feel, son?
-How do I...? I kind of feel like...

Like I'm the only one in this race
that knows their timetables.

Hey, these are some tough
customers.

Knock 'em dead.

Good luck, mister.

Quite a grip.

(WESTERN THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(WIND HOWLING)

(RATTLING)

ANNOUNCER: Contestants,
saddle your eggs.

On your mark.

Get set.

STEVE: Go, Lou! Go Lou!

Pick up the pace, son!
Come on, come on!

(CROWD CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS)

ANNOUNCER: Next up,
the ladies' tree climb,

Eileen Stevens.

(WOMEN MURMURING)

ANNOUNCER:
Gentlemen, start your engines.

(CHAINSAW ENGINE WHIRRING)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is,
Louis "Crazy Legs" Stevens.

Yeah!

Thank you.

(MUFFLED)

Ow!

-Are you okay?
-I think I just ripped a delt.

That was pretty rude.
I'm eating.

It's my shoulder, egg-boy.

You guys, I'm worried
about Dad.

He'll be okay, honey.

Steve, how about some potato salad?
It's really good.

How can I eat when I know
we're in second place?

-REN: Who are the Dandridges?
-STEVE: Porter and his wife Chippy.

Just transferred here
from Perth, Australia.

One event left, Stevens.

The father/son kayak race.

That is, uh, if you mates
are up to it.

Hello, Porter.
Speaking of mates...

You've met my wife
Eileen.

-Hi.
-G'day.

Fresh air,
friendly competition.

It's not about winning or losing,
just a great way

for people in the office
to get to know each other.

Whatever you say, Stevens.

QUINCY: Let's chew 'em up
like a hungry dingo, Dad.

-Dad.
-(MOUTHING) Oh, my God.

Of course my son Quincy
might have other ideas.

Hi. Ren Stevens.
Do you like pie?

ANNOUNCER: All entrants
in the father/son kayak race

please proceed to the dock.

Quincy loves to row.
Don't you, boy?

Rowing's my life.

(LAUGHING)

Looks like you just rowed here
from Australia.

See ya out on the water.

Or, uh...in it.

(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)

(MOCKING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
G'day.

(CHUCKLES)
What a nice family.

(WITH ACCENT) Why don't we
have them over and throw a shrimp

-on the barbie.
-Not.

How you doing, son?

(WITH ACCENT) Ah,
ready to go, mate.

(GROANS) Maybe not.

Look,

you're not risking further injury.
It's just not worth it.

I cannot believe our family
is going to lose.

Oh, no.

That's not going to happen.

It all comes down to the father/son
kayak race.

Everything. The title...

the fruits of victory.

All I can say is,

I'm glad I have two sons.

Are you ready, Lou?

Uh-uh.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, the final event

for our two
top-scoring families,

the father/son kayak race.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

(CLAPPING, CHEERING)

Come on, Dad.

So, uh,
you getting nervous?

I guess not.

(CHEERING)

LOUIS:
To understand what happens next

you got to understand my dad.

Now, for him, this is more
than just some silly kayak race.

Come on, Dad!
I think you're ahead of him!

LOUIS: This race is a chance
to prove what he believes in.

That you can accomplish anything
if you just put your mind to it.

Go, Lou!
You can do it, Lou!

-Go, Lou!
-Atta boy, Quincy!

Paddle, paddle, paddle!

LOUIS: And right now,
I'd do anything I could

to help him win this family
decathlon.

And I mean anything,
including cheat.

Which I did.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

That's right, I drilled a hole
in Quincy's kayak...

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

LOUIS: And by the time
we'd gotten to the middle of the lake

he'd taken in enough water
to slow him down.

(CHEERING)

-Yes! Yes!
-Why's he slowing?

Go! Go!

LOUIS: I know, I know.
Cheating isn't the Stevens way.

But winning?
Well, winning is.

I won! Ha-ha!

Victory to Stevens!
That's my Lou!

(LAUGHS)

Pick him up! Pick him up!

(CROWS CHEERS
AND APPLAUDS)

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Louis! Louis!

Louis! Louis! Louis!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

I would like to make a fondue toast
to my little brother Louis.

-Nice!
-Okay.

-STEVE: Hear! Hear!
-Louis,

I know sometimes
that I underestimate you.

But, then, when I think of all
the stupid things you mess up...

I actually estimate you just right.
Like, yesterday,

-when you used Mom's shaver...
-I thought you'd me a compliment.

What you did today was fantastic,
and I am proud of you.

-EILEEN: Mm-hmm.
-Thank you.

ALL: Hear! Hear!

But, but all I did was reach for a little
something extra, like dad said.

Did I tell you?
This kid has the heart of a lion.

-Roar.
-(LAUGHING)

And what better way to show you
how proud we are

than with two boiling pots
of cheese fondue?

Swiss or...
(ECHOING) cheater?

-What'd you just say?
-Swiss or cheddar?

(LAUGHING) Oh! ‘Cause...

'cause I thought you said,
"Swiss or chea...

"Chea... Cheddar...

"Cheddar," 'cause you said...
You said that.

(LAUGHING) Roar. Oh.

Virginia clobbers, Virginia tech...

Big Lou.

Big bro, we got it
done today, man.

Hey, you got it done today.
Good job.

-It came from here. (SNICKERS)
-Sweet, dude.

This is cool, checking the scores
with my big bro.

And in the big duel
in the desert,

Arizona b*at Arizona state,
- .

They didn't have to cheat...

(ECHOING) Cheat...

Like you, Louis.

(ECHOING) Cheater!

What did he just say?

Arizona b*at Arizona state,
- .

'Zona took it, man.
Go, Wildcats!

(BARKING)

-I got to go.
-TV REPORTER: Indiana b*at Purdue...

Hey Louis, where are you going?
We still have an hour of scores left.

I'm going to go
have a lie-down.

Of the big cats, the panther
is in the same phylum, class,

order and family as the tiger,

but it's the genus
that garners our attention today.

-"Genus," of course...
-(SNAPS)

-(GROANS)
-Hey are you okay?

(STAMMERING)
Yeah, fine...

The only faster feline
in that particular genus

of course, would be...

the cheetah.

-Cheetah?
-Cheater! Cheater!

(ECHOING)
Cheater! Cheater!

Cheater! Cheater!

Cheater!
Cheater! Cheater!

No! (SCREAMS)

What do you people want
from me?

I didn't do anything!

I didn't do anything!

Of the smaller felines...

Louis, both of my parents
are psychologists.

I know all
about panic att*cks.

It wasn't a panic att*ck.

I think I might've...
ripped a delt or something.

Or...could it be that you're guilty
about something

and it's overwhelming your ability
to do...anything?

"Guilty"? Right.
Even if I was,

which I'm not,

I would do the healthy thing

and keep it tightly bottled up
inside of me.

Louis, do you know the story
of The Telltale Heart?

No, but I bet
you're gonna tell me.

It's by Edgar Allan Poe.

It's about a guy
who commits a m*rder

and buries the body
underneath his floor.

Then, he starts hearing the sound
of a b*ating heart.

-La-di-da. (LAUGHS)
-He tries to ignore it.

(HEARTBEAT)

But the b*ating just gets louder.

And louder.

He thought he committed
the perfect crime.

But the constant b*ating of the heart
was driving him insane.

-The guilt was too much.
-(HEARTBEAT CONTINUES)

And, then, finally...

it got to the point
where he would've given anything

-to make it go away.
-All right!

God! I'm sorry!

I cheated at the picnic.

(SIGHS)

(BASKETBALL BOUNCING)

What are you doing?

Give me the ball!

-What?
-Give me the ball!

You cheated
in that stupid race?

Are you serious?
Dude, what'd you do like,

glue your egg to the spoon
or something?

No. Donnie ripped a delt thingy.
And I was eating a cupcake.

And everything was all
screwed up.

I had to go up against Quincy.
What could I do?

So...I drilled holes
in his kayak.

I got to go.

-What was he just...?
-I have no clue.

(STEVENS FAMILY CHATTERING)

(SILVERWARE CLINKING ON GLASS)

(TALKING STOPS)

I have an announcement to make.
I passed a new bill today.

-STEVE: Aw, honey!
-REN: Congratulations, mom.

Good job, Mom!
You're the man.

(EILEEN LAUGHS)

Guess what?
I won the big Simpkins case.

-EILEEN: Oh...
-Congratulations, Dad.

Even with my bad delt,
I ran a : .

STEVE: Aw, Donnie! Atta boy.

And I aced my algebra quiz.

STEVE: Ren, good for you.

-I cheated in the kayak race.
-Hey, Lou, good news.

That's great.

-Did you hear what I said?
-Of course we heard you.

You said you cheated...

You cheated
on the kayak race?

I sabotaged Quincy's boat.

Why?

Well, I did it for the team.
You know, our team, team Stevens.

Louis, I...

Where do I start?

Wait a second, Dad.

I have a confession, too.

The old man
in the badminton match

was giving me
a pretty good run.

And, then, he hit one
right on the line

and the ref called it out.

And I didn't say anything.

I deserved to rip my delt.

REN: Okay. In the...

homemade apple pie
contest, I...

I used a store-bought crust.

I can't believe you kids cheated.

Steve...

(STAMMERING)
It's not just the kids. I...

Well, I was in such a hurry

To climb that tree
that I punched a squirrel.

-Mother!
-Well, I mean,

I know it's not cheating.
But...it's really not very nice.

I'm sorry, Dad.

We all are.

It's not your fault, guys.

It's mine.

-Dad...
-Dad...

(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)

(DOGS BARKING OUTDOORS)

I don't mean to put so much
pressure on you.

I just wanted you to know
what it feels like to...

set out to do something,
and, then...

accomplish it.

Now I wonder what
I've actually taught you guys.

You taught us that it's better
to play fair and lose

than to win by cheating.

That's what you always taught me.

Come here.

-I love you, Lou.
-I love you, too, Dad.

LOUIS:
So, me and dad are cool.

-(FELT RIPPING)
-(GLASS CRASHING)

LOUIS: But I still felt bad
about cheating Quincy.

So I challenged him
to a rematch,

Fair and square.

Loser does the winner's chores
for a week.

Finally.
I was getting worried, mate.

LOUIS: Needless to say,
I got my butt kicked.

And, boy, do those Aussies

have a lot of yard work.

(LAUGHS)

QUINCY: You finish this up, mate,
we'll give you a spot of lemonade

before you start on the hedges.