06x06 - Filibuster

[bunniefuu]

Are you getting ready for you nightly
Skype date with Andy in London?

- You look lovely. - I'm going to
m*rder you a thousand times.

Okay.

What the hell?

♪ Someone's back from London,
no, it's not the queen ♪

♪ Someone's back from
London, it's not Mr. Bean ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ It's not the royal baby,
I think his name is Jeff ♪

Stop singing!
Kiss me!

Oh, my God! What are
you doing here?

Just missed you so bad, honey,
I bought myself a ticket home.

You're never gonna need
that computer again...

'cause I'm home for,
like, 19 hours.

This is so sweet.
Just like the old days.

- Take a hike, Jerry.
- It's Larry now.

Okay, take a hike, Larry.

Next order of business, Councilman
Jamm proposes Bill 949-C.

That's right, stretch,

and looking mighty fly
in that suit, brother.

Okay, this excellent bill only allows
someone to vote in a Pawnee election,

for example, the upcoming
recall election,

if their I.D. lists an
official Pawnee address.

Really, councilman?
Again?

The recall election
is coming up,

and Jamm keeps trying to figure
out ways to screw me over.

Last week, he tried to have me
listed on the ballot

as "Leslie Buttface
h*tler the Fourth."

All you're trying to do is disenfranchise
the people from former Eagleton,

people who will most likely vote for me
because I saved a lot of their jobs.

I move that we table the discussion
until after the election.

- Second.
- Thank you!

- Ah!
- I'm so sorry.

I just get excited
when you like me.

I put my career on the
line by saving Eagleton,

and he's trying to rob
me of their votes?

Those are my votes.

I've earned them! I want them!
Give me those votes!

I don't have them on me.

I can't believe Jamm
tried to pull that crap.

I can.
He's a horrible monster.

But let's focus on the
more important issue.

You want to squeeze in
one more practice session?

Oh, do I?

Tonight, I am throwing Ben
his dream birthday party,

a roller skating bash
with an early '90s theme.

Ben lives for the early '90s.

The music, the fashion.
It's his favorite era.

As for the roller skating--

I have a thing for women
in skates. Okay?

Everyone has a thing,
and that's mine.

As far as things go,
it's pretty innocuous.

Could be one of those dudes that
kisses mannequins or whatever,

but I like a woman in skates.

A lot.

Hey, Ann, Ann called. She
wants her ugly outfit back.

Why are you dressed
as a pilgrim?

Leslie said it was a "Come As
You Were in the '90s" party.

I assumed it was the 1690s.

Babe, if it was the 1690s,
we'd all be mummies.

What do you think mummies are?

Skeletons?

- Oh, boy.
- Hey.

I just came straight from
work, so I couldn't dress up.

No problem. You look wiggidy-wiggidy-
wiggidy-wiggidy-wonderful.

Wait a minute. Pants on backwards.
Kris Kross, right? Nice!

What happens when
you have to pee?

I actually just went.

I had to pull my pants
all the way to the ground

like a toddler.

Nadia, the super hot doctor,

has been hanging out with
me for the last week.

She's definitely
out of my league.

Actually, we're not even
playing the same sport.

It's kind of like she's in NBA and I work
at a muffler store next to the stadium.

I can't believe we met just before you
have to go on your stupid vacation.

I'm doing doctors without borders, man.
I'm going to Rwanda.

Exactly. That's a
stupid vacation.

Okay, well, why don't you
win me that huge-ass bear

as a going-away present?

No problem. I'm a
skee ball master.

No way! Why don't you go pro?

I don't know. I didn't
want to be a cliche.

Yet another professional
Indian skee ball player?

Right.

Now that's what
I call sh**ting.

Is this a hunting game?

- Yeah, it's fun. You want to play?
- Indeed, I do.

If you'd like, I could
offer you some pointers.

Hunting, Donna,

is about silence,
balance, and patience.

Get ready.

You know you're supposed
to hit the deer, rig?

Ugh!

- Get it together, Swanson.
- Well, the game is absurd.

This g*n is lightweight, there's no sight,
and we are far too close to these deer.

Would they not smell us?

I want my money back. How
do I get my quarters?

Oh, my God! You are
such a sore loser.

I am not a sore loser. It's
just that I prefer to win,

and when I don't,
I get furious.

Employee!

Whoa! Watch this.

Oh, that was brilliant.

Sorry. You probably don't
know what that means.

You know how you Americans say
"cool" when something's cool?

Over in London, we say,
"That's brilliant."

Speaking of London, you haven't
told me anything about work.

- You still love it?
- Yeah, it's awesome.

I'm kicking ass.

I'm like Chuck Norris,
only instead of crushing

bad guys' skulls, I'm
crushing documents.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Now be the Chuck Norris
of making out with me.

I'll karate punch your
face with my tongue.

- Prove it.
- Hi-yah.

Get this. I just asked the
DJ what rem albums he has.

He's got Monster, but not
a*t*matic For the People.

- Wow!
- I know.

It's like, what is this?
A mid-'90s party?

No. It's an early '90s party.

Okay, Larry.
Tell us how this looks.

Ben wants to do a synchronized
couple skate to Losing My Religion.

Hit it!

Leslie!
Leslie! Leslie!

I'm sorry,
but we have a problem.

His name is Jeremy Jamm.

- Well, as noted in Article nine, Paragraph
two... - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Jamm, I thought this
bill was tabled?

Yes, and I called a special
session and un-tabled it.

What's up with the roller skates?

I was about to attend a roller skating
birthday party for my husband,

- but this is more important.
- Yeah, I don't care. I'm a blades guy.

Point of order!

The councilwoman wishes
to speak on this issue.

Will the councilwoman yield her
time so we can vote on this sucker?

No, I will not yield.

Nor will I yield for the
rest of the evening.

A filibuster?

Are you dookin' on
my chest right now?

No! Gross!

And yes, it's a filibuster.
Okay?

I am not willing to
let you deprive me--

She's filibustering
on roller skates?

She's gonna be strapped
into those things for hours.

I know this
is a dire situation,

but I swear to God, this is like
a crazy sex fantasy for me.

How goes it?

Pretty good, except I
suck at skee ball.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause if you don't
win me that bear, you're dead to me.

Understood.

Hey, man, how many tickets
for that bear, again?

- 40,000.
- 40,000? Oh, brother.

All right, you're gonna be
my lookout for a second.

All right.

- Hey, is he allowed to do that?
- No! Get off the ramp, dude!

Hey! You're supposed
to be my lookout.

I thought it'd be funnier
to watch you get busted.

Hey, you're a doctor. You
know snitches get stitches.

I remember
the first time I voted.

I was in my bedroom,
and I was five.

I voted for Mildred,
my stuffed pig,

but my cat, pancakes, won.

She had more funding.

Politics, right?
What are you gonna do?

How long have I been talking? Three hours?
No, eight minutes. Okay.

Maybe you should
yield the floor.

Milton doesn't have a lot
of time-- left on earth.

- Hey, just kidding, bud.
- Will someone open my crackers?

The session ends at 11:00 P.M.
She has to talk the whole time.

She can't lean on anything for
support, and no one else can help her.

Three strikes and she is done.

This is literally the most exciting
thing that I've ever seen.

I mean, think about it. Where
else on earth would you rather

spend your birthday with Leslie?

Well, maybe the birthday party
she's throwing for me right now.

Everyone in Pawnee should
have the right to vote.

Whoa! As I dissect this important
and profound statement,

I'm just gonna take
these off for a second.

Bam, strike one.
No sitting.

Is the gong really necessary?

Yes, it is. I love Chinese crap.

Lucy Liu, Nintendo, Gangnam Style,
sushi, et cetera, et cetera.

Also, more importantly,
it's in the rules. No sitting.

Okay, fine. Well, the strike is
worth it if I can take these off.

Oh, man!

Oh, my God! I had this exact
bear when I was a kid!

- Excuse me.
- Uh-huh.

- How much does this bear cost?
- 40,000 tickets.

Okay, well, let's
just assume that I'm an adult

who doesn't have two weeks
to play arcade games.

What about 50 bucks?

Yeah.
Just don't tell my boss.

- What are you doing, Morris?
- Nothing, Mr. Bonderman.

- Tuck in your shirt. God!
- Sorry.

Oh! You feeling it?

Wow. You suck at this.

Donna, please back up two paces so I
can physically destroy this machine.

Can you chill a little, man?
It's not real hunting.

It's just a game.

That you happen to suck at.

You know what?
That's a good point.

What?
That you suck at this?

That it's not re hunting.

Come with me.

I don't want you to
go back to London.

Just remember, every time
you look up at the moon,

I, too, will be
looking at a moon.

Not the same moon, obviously.
That's impossible.

See you on stupid Skype.

I'm proud of Andy.

This is the first time he's
really gone out on a limb.

I knew if he found something
that he actually liked doing,

he'd be happy, so I'm--

What the hell?
Wha--

Hey! Perkins! What are
you doing with my bear?

I've been playing skee ball for, like,
two hours trying to win that for Nadia.

I just bought it for 50 bucks.

When I was a kid, I taught myself
how to make out on this bear,

pretended it was cockroach
from The Cosby Show.

Hey, what's going on here?
Why does blossom have my bear?

I bought it for myself,
but apparently,

he was trying to win it
for you, so I'm sorry.

I still got some tickets, though. I could
get you, uh, a ninja turtle balloon

or Cliffhanger on VHS.

Oh, that's so sweet, but you're
basically offering me garbage.

Let's just skate.

That bear was the only thing she was
gonna have to remember me by in Rwanda.

And if I know anything
about Rwanda, and I don't,

I bet it's full of rich guys
who'll buy her whatever she wants.

Hunting.
No quarters required.

Hang on.

Do you have a license
to hunt at night?

'Cause you need a license.

I thought you were serious.

Come on now. You know
I don't give a f*ck.

As Ronald Reagan would say,

"Well, mommy, I believe
voting rights are important."

Does anyone else
think it's hot in here?

These overalls
are really starchy.

Yeah, maybe that's 'cause
I turned up the heat to 90,

and, uh, oh, the knob
broke off in my hand.

Oops.

Well, speaking of heat,

we should discuss
America's white-hot passion

for voting rights and the men and
women who help protect them,

like the local city councilwoman who is
starving and thinking about her husband's

Reservoir Dog- themed birthday cake
and wanting to eat it really badly.

Oh, this is not a good sign.

Once she starts thinking
about birthday cake,

she's basically useless until
she eats birthday cake.

Democracy is not unlike a cake.

It's layered, delicious,
chocolate, and I want some.

Okay, she's fading. Ben, we
need to find a way to smuggle

some mineral oil drops
onto her tongue.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Excuse me.

What the hell
are you people doing here?

We represent the citizens
of former Eagleton.

We're here to support Leslie Knope
for preserving our voting rights.

Thank you!

You are all warriors
of democracy.

You know, it was the first mayor
of Pawnee, in 1817,

who said, "All we have
is the right to vote

and the right to k*ll Indians
without consequence."

And I believe that half of that
statement is still true today.

All right!

Second wind!

Andy, I know you're in there.

Andy, come on.

Oh, hey.

I was just--

just here in this dumpster
'cause I jumped in.

Get out!
We need to talk.

About what?

Fresh air, real weapons,
an honest k*ll.

There is no substitute
for the real thing.

You want to go back and play
that video game, don't you?

Yes! Damn it!

It is so inspiring to see Eagletonians
putting aside their prejudices.

With support like this, Leslie Knope may
stand a fighting chance on recall day.

- Permission to hug you.
- Granted.

I should mention, though, that
we're not voting to keep Leslie.

What?

We want someone from Eagleton to represent
our interests on the new city council.

Sir, I formally revoke our hug.

Well, you can't.
It happened.

We stand on the side
of Rosa Parks,

and Gandhi, and Team Aniston.

One small vote for Pawnee is one
giant leap of voting for mankind.

Hey!

Hey, you're not allowed to
receive help from the crowd.

That's strike two.

Hey, man, leave my gong alone.
The reverb is the best part.

If I save your right to vote, you're
gonna vote for someone from Eagleton?

Eagleton! Eagleton!

- Hey, Knope! Wrap it up!
- I'm not gonna yield.

I just--I need some time to think.

And because I must keep talking,
I'm gonna think out loud.

Okay, if Eagletonians
vote for someone else,

then it would be in my best
interest to stop, right?

So they can't vote.

Uh, da-doy.

- Yield.
- Or I keep going,

because the right to vote is
fundamental in any democracy,

and this is bigger
than me or anyone.

I don't care if I lose.

No one prevents people
in my town from voting.

Not on my watch.

The filibuster is on!

Yeah!

I can't go back to London.

I'm totally in over my
head on this project.

Every day, someone
comes up to me and says,

"I need your approval
on this, Mr. Dwyer."

"I need your
signature, Mr. Dwyer."

"That's not a
toilet, Mr. Dwyer."

But you said everything
was going awesome.

- You said you were like Chuck Norris.
- I am, but I'm like Chuck Norris now--

some old guy with a beard who used to be
good at karate but became a dumb has-been

and is scared and confused
about his big London job.

- Okay. - The parallels between
he and I are very eerie.

I'm gonna tell you a secret
about everyone else's job.

Okay.

No one knows what they're doing.

I don't know how to run an
animal control department.

Half the documents I get I put right into
the shredder because they're so boring.

But you seem like you do
know what you're doing.

Yeah, I seem like it.

Deep down, everyone is just faking
it until they figure it out.

And you will too, because you are
awesome and everyone else sucks.

- 30 minutes to go.
- Oh, God, it's so hot.

Almost as hot as the flames

that Eagleton would have gone
down in if I had not saved them.

Mm, mm, mm.

- That's... - How I know you would
love an ice-cold frozen marg.

All I want
is the promise of democracy.

Sure about that?

- I want that marg.
- I know you do.

- I want that Margarita.
- Oh, it's gonna be so good.

So cold.
It's so cold.

- I want to drink it.
- Make that heat go away!

Come on, get!

Come on, girl.
Get!

Give me that Margarita!

No!

I want votes.

Excuse me, worker, bring me a
bucket of beers and four hot dogs.

Please, and thank you.

Why are you covered in blood?

Don't worry.
It's not human.

I hope you've made peace with
your God, small electronic deer.

k*ll it.

Ann, I need that bear.

I got to give Nadia something awesome so
she'll remember me when she's in Africa.

Tom, bear or no bear,
she clearly likes you.

Actually, how do you even get girls
like her-- or me-- to go out with you?

Scientists say the emotions of love and
hate are very close to each other.

That's what I tell women.

The point is, she's
leaving in two days.

You want her to remember you?

Go spend time with her and do
something memorable, dummy!

Thanks, Ann.

I know conversations like this are hard for
you 'cause you still have feelings for me,

but you'll land on
your feet, kid.

- Run or I punch you.
- No punchies!

Okay, bye for real this time.

Wait, wait, wait.

I made you five bologna sandwiches in case
you get hungry on the way to the airport.

- Did you--
- Yes, I used cookies instead of bread.

You think of everything.
I love you.

Love you too.

Are you kidding me?

- Andy!
- Ha! Ha! Found it!

I got--I left my wallet
in here earlier, I guess.

Whoo! All good now.

Ooh, look!
Noodles!

No, no, no, babe. Babe,
don't touch those.

I've read the entire charter. There's no
other way to get her a bathroom break...

unless we bring the
bathroom to her--

that's nothing.

I mean,
she's not gonna make it.

Look at her, she's dancing
around like she's a character

in one of those
Peanuts cartoons.

Okay, in these last few minutes,

I would like to talk about
the voting rights act of 1968

while clenching every
muscle in my body.

Sound good?

Hey, Knope, how you
feeling over there?

You go pee-pee?
Pee-pee times?

- Make wee-wee?
- Ten more seconds.

Four, three, two, one!

This session is adjourned.

All pending matters are tabled.

Yes!

You were amazing.

I love you, but move! I have
to go to the whiz palace.

Oh, wait!

Eagleton! Eagleton!

Oh!
My beautiful curls!

She didn't have time to hug
me, but she could do that?

Hey, Ann, can I talk to you
for a second? About Tom?

Sure.

- You guys look like you're having fun.
- Yeah, no, I really like him.

I just wanted to say that
I think you're really cool,

and the fact that Tom dated you makes
me think he's a really good guy.

That's so sweet.

Oh, okay.

- Wha--what are you-- What the hell?
- Now!

Sorry, Ann, this is on you.
You told us to make a memory.

- There's your money back.
- Let go!

Suck it!

This is $8!

- Man, that was so much fun.
- Yeah.

Together, we truly did steal a
toy from your pregnant friend.

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Mm-hmm.

I know we just met, like,
two weeks ago and whatever,

but is there any chance maybe,

- when you get back, we can maybe--
- Ugh. Clingy.

Oh, no. Sorry.
No, no, no, no.

I'm kidding.

Of course I'll call you
when I come back.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So long, suckers!

- Hey! Quick!
- What?

Ooh!

- Come on, come on, come on, come on!
- Now that's what I call sh**ting.

- Come on!
- That's a new record!

Hey!
Look at that!

You finally made
it in the top 10.

Now you can
enter your initials.

My initials are private.

Then just put in
any three letters.

Ass.

Oh, my God!
That was epic!

I was peeing so freakin' hard,
it was like a jacuzzi jet or--

- Hi, Leslie.
- Hey! Ingrid!

I wasn't talking about
the velocity of my pee

because you are a very
smart and classy lady.

Ben, you remember Ingrid de
Forest from the former Eagleton.

Yes, she was just telling me she's been
nominated to run against you in the recall.

Wow.
Buzz k*ll.

I know you must hate me
right now, Leslie,

and that's justified,

but I need to thank you for
what you just did in there.

Not the forceful urination.
The filibuster.

Right, yeah.

It was incredibly courageous,
and it was selfless.

And if I do win,

I'm gonna have very big
roller skates to fill.

Could I take you out for
a celebratory plate of--

I think you call them waffles?

Wow, that is the best offer
you could ever make,

but I had to miss my husband's
birthday party for this,

so I think I'll be spending
the evening with him.

- A rain check, maybe.
- Please.

I'm sorry your birthday
party got all screwed up.

Maybe I should put those
roller skates back on.

Well, you must be exhausted. We
don't have to go to the party.

Oh, we're not going
to the party.

We're going home.

Then why would you need to
put on roller... skates?

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

We're just-- we're
just--skates...