06x10 - Second Chunce

[bunniefuu]

Andy got back from London two days
ago and he still has jet lag.

It's really annoying. We're on
totally different schedules.

Last night he mowed the lawn
at 2:00 in the morning.

Andy!
Andy!

- Get me a beer?
- All right.

As soon as I wake up,
he goes down. Hard.

This has to stop!

Babe, wake up.

That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

Babe!

You hungry, Champion?

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

Hey. Oh, man,
I fell asleep again.

Andy, you have got to stay up
and get on a regular schedule.

Were you about to spray me
with the hose inside the house?

Yeah.

I kinda want you to do it now.

- Okay.
- Aah! Aah!

Aaahhh!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, just a reminder, guys, today is
Leslie's last day as a city councilor,

so everyone be extra supportive.

Already done.

When she walked past me this
morning, I gave her a kind nod.

Heartwarming. Also I want to get her a
present to cheer her up on her last day.

Any ideas?

A "sorry you lost
your dream job" gift?

Mm, that's a tough one.
Stay away from wine.

Wine is crying juice.

Well, I mean, you know her
better than anybody.

What does she really want?
More than anything in the world?

A nice candle.
I'm screwed.

No! Andy!

- An-Andy!
- Oh! Come on!

- Andy!
- Be right out.

Well, this is the Pawnee
City Council chambers.

Your new home away from me.

Well, technically, my home
away from home is in Zurich.

Frank Gehry designed it.
But this is nice too.

Today is my last day
as a--excuse me.

Let me try this again. Today
is my last day at C--

Today is my la--

Today is my last d--

You know what?
You get the idea.

My old friend Ingrid de
Forest won the recall vote,

and she's taking my place
on Monday morning.

But, you know, luckily for me,
I've processed all my feelings.

And I've gone through
the five stages of grief:

Denial, anger,
Internet commenting,

cat adoption, African dance, cat
returning to the adoption place,

watching all the episodes of Murphy
Brown, and not giving a flying fart.

How many stages is that?

I don't know. The point
is I'm fine now.

This must be hard for you.

It's like what sir Ian
McKellen said to me

the day I sold my boat
to Karl Lagerfeld:

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Oh, my God.
What is your life?

If it makes any difference, your work
here was a real inspiration to me,

and I am going to do my best
to continue your legacy.

Well, I appreciate
the sentiment.

Leslie.

I'm sorry. Was I singing Goodbye
Yellow Brick Road out loud?

No. But would you like to?

I studied opera at the Sorbonne.
I'd be happy to harmonize.

- Goodbye...
- Goodbye...

Naw.

And finally,

here is a check for the entirety
of the purchase of Rent-A-Swag.

And here is a personal note
from my client Dr. Saperstein.

"Dear Tom: I win. You suck.
Turn note over.

You still suck.
Turn note over."

Okay, Saperstein couldn't
even face me himself?

He had to send in his lackey?

My client isn't at this meeting
because he doesn't have to be.

Successful people,
Mr. Haverford,

use their money to use
others to work for them.

Hmm, it's an interesting
idea, lawyer-dude.

What if I gave you 5 bucks to put a
bag of poop in Saperstein's car?

No.

Ballpark me. How
much would it cost?

$10,000.

Counter-offer:

Why don't you just
do it for the story?

Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.

Is it done?

Well, how many times
did he turn the paper over?

Oh, that is disappointing.

So...

look at this baby.

That is the most symmetrical
fetus I've ever seen.

This could be a superhero.

- Dr. Saperstein.
- Yes.

I know that we should hate you

because you destroyed
our friend's business.

- But we love you so much!
- We love you!

I'm loveable!

So do you wanna know the sex?

Oh, my God.
Should we?

N-no, right?
Or maybe yes?

Is there an option
other than yes or no?

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna write it down.

Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope,
seal it, and when you're ready,

voila!

- That'll be fun!
- That's like the Oscars.

Hey, let's get some food.
I'm starving.

Wait, no, I have to pee.

Wait, no, I have to barf.

Actually, all three.
Being pregnant is great.

And, finally, Larry's
share of the profit.

Whoa! Good to be Larry.

No, it's not, you
boring grandpa.

Meanwhile, Tommy's ridin' high.

$32,000.

I'm basically a millionaire.

What are you gonna do
with the money, Tom?

Glad you asked. A horrible man
recently gave me some great advice.

For years, I've been coming
up with my own ideas.

Like some sort of
non-rich idiot.

Now I'm gonna let
people come to me

and invest my scrilla
in the best idea I hear.

That sounds like an efficient
use of the free market.

I would wish you
the best of luck,

but I believe luck is a
concept invented by the weak

to explain their failures.

Come hear the ideas
with me, Ron.

I could use your wise,
grandfatherly advice.

Do you think everyone here
is a grandfather?

Basically, if you're older
than me, you're a grandpa.

And if you are a
grandpa, you're dead.

- That sounds right.
- Uh, oops.

This check is made
out to "Lenny,"

which I think is a
typo for "Larry,"

which isn't even
actually my name.

Well, tell it to
the bank, Lenny.

Am I--am I Lenny now?

I'd like to order
a singing telegram.

Well, my wife lost her job, so
maybe something sad and slow.

Do you know anything from The
Requiem for a Dream soundtrack?

This is a bad idea. I'm
hanging up now. Bye.

Well, Ingrid is settled
into my office,

and this box contains
the last of my stuff.

Although I might have left
some salt packets in my desk.

Maybe I should go back
for those?

Honey, it's okay, there'll
be other salt packets.

But not the kind that
snaps in half, maybe.

Okay, I know
I'm a broken record,

but getting away
from the City Council

is absolutely the best
thing for you. Trust me.

This is Perd Hapley talking to you
now about what's going on today.

We're live at City Hall where
City Councilman Dexhart

is addressing his
latest sex scandal.

Recently, certain allegations
have come to light

about my inappropriate conduct.

I'm here to set the
record straight.

I totally did all of it.

Another sex scandal?
This guy's unbelievable.

How does he find the time?

I also engaged in
inappropriate texting,

sexting,
and tex-mexting,

which is where you send
photos of your junk

from the restroom
of a chili's to go.

- Hmm.
- Ew.

Does this make me a bad boy?

You tell me.

No. Really. Tell me.

It gets me off when
women tell me that.

He's reading this,
he wrote this down.

I sent these texts
to roughly 100 women

under the following pseudonyms:

Enrique Shockwave,

Willie Dynamite,

Lee Harvey Teabag...

Well, at least you won't have
to deal with that guy anymore.

- Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.
- You're right.

Not after someone beats him
in the next election.

Someone who is smart
and hard-working

and who knows the job because
she's done it already

and is also blond and named
Leslie and loves you.

- Is it you?
- Yes! It is!

I'm gonna run again.

I'm gonna b*at Dexhart!

And Anthony Weiner.

Another City Council campaign?

Leslie, think about
what you're saying.

I did. I challenge you to
find one flaw in my plan.

Well, for one, we don't even
live in Dexhart's district.

Not yet!

But we can go and rent
a second apartment,

and we can spend 51%
of our time there.

And then I'll file the campaign
form from that address.

I don't want to spend 51%
of our time in his district.

It's basically a dumping ground
for old shipping containers.

- It's like a raccoon shantytown.
- Oh, it's not that bad.

And also, Dexhart fights dirty.

He's never lost an election because he
runs brutal, scorched-earth campaigns.

So what? I got plenty
of dirt on that scumbag.

I say, "Bring it on."

So I'm gonna start my negative
PR blitz against Dexhart and--

Look, I just think we need
to take a deep breath...

Think about
if this is really worth it.

Anything is worth me getting
back on City Council.

Okay.

Let's see which one of these lucky
visionaries is gonna make me rich.

Greg Phillips!

- Hi, guys, thanks for meeting with me.
- Enough chitchat. What's your pitch, kid?

Come on, time is money,
money is power,

power is pizza,
pizza is knowledge.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

So my idea is for an abacus,
but on your phone.

I call it a "phone-bacus."

Son, you just described
a calculator.

Hey, but you're talking
about it, right?

Three words:

Automated word counter.

Get out.

Two. Words.

- No.
- One. Word.

As you may know,

I do like to tinker with
things in my garage.

I'm gonna hit the
can while he's up.

So I think I have discovered a way
to generate clean, renewable energy.

I think it's gonna ch--

- Oh! Gross!
- God, Larry.

- You sneezed all over us!
- I'm not gonna buy that thing.

It's covered in a gallon
of your boogers.

I totally understand.

Uh, jeez.

I will be thrilled
if we have a girl.

Oh, tiny dresses?

Braids? Glitter on everything?
Forget it.

And also, girls' names
are so cute.

Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly.

Olive, rosemary, chicken.
Fifty burritos.

Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Miss, hi!

I'm pregnant, and I'm
a little bit crazy.

So if you don't bring our appetizers
out in the next 30 seconds,

I'm gonna plunge your
face into the deep fryer!

And also two waters, please.
But no hurry.

Thank you.

Leslie, I don't know if there's
a story in these emails.

They're iffy, but Dexhart has
been elected eight times.

I don't think the voters care.

His poll numbers are actually up
since the scandal broke.

Well, that's just because people found
out he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.

- He is?
- Good morning, Leslie.

"Sweet jugs."

What? He's kinda cute.

Oh, God, Shauna, no.

I-I just feel like I
could fix him, you know?

This sucks!

We heard a hundred pitches,
and they're all terrible.

Change of plans.

You guys are my idea factory.

- April, go.
- Okay, got one.

Macaroni and poison.

It's like mac and cheese,
but with a special ingredient.

- Ron? - Every socket set I've ever
bought only goes up to 1/2 inch.

I'd love a couple larger sizes.

Take it all the way up to 5/8.

Andy?

Bears bouncing
on trampoline roads.

There's a chance that I
might have dreamed that.

Okay, time to head
back to the office.

I've missed an
entire day of work,

so at least some
good came from this.

What are you doing?

Well, they couldn't
make a banner in time

for my press conference,
so I am cobbling together

a banner from all the
other discarded banners.

"Second chunce four Lesle!

"Perv Dexxxhrt equals...

- birthday mouse"?
- Rat!

Well, that's the closest
thing I could get to a rat.

Leslie, listen to yourself.

Loopholes, scorched-earth policies.
This isn't you.

I cannot believe you aren't
supporting me on this!

Dexhart has a sex scandal
the same day I'm leaving office?

That is not a coincidence.

- This was meant to be.
- You know what?

Why don't we gather
everyone in here,

you explain to them
what you're thinking,

and, uh, we get some feedback.

Now you're talking.

I would be thrilled
if we had a boy.

I have perfected the art
of shaving the human face.

And I would love to be
able to pass that on.

Toy trucks? Superhero costumes?

Tiny little acorn penis?
Forget it.

A weird image.

But one that does not
diminish my enthusiasm.

Well, Ann Perkins, are you ready
to find out the sex of our baby?

I'm ready.

We are having a...

"distributions."

- That's what it looks like: Distributions.
- Let me see that.

It says "congratulations,"
I think.

Then it says,

"I... leg smurf."

Are we having a smurf?

We are having a...
"11-jewel toilet."

I can't tell what's words
and what's punctuation!

- The suspense is k*lling me!
- I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.

I'm calling Domino's.

Do you think Domino's
delivers to this restaurant?

- I hope so.
- Oh, no.

He's out for the
rest of the day!

I have literally never
been more stressed out.

Oh, good! You guys are here!
Okay, everybody gather around.

I have a big announcement.

I am officially
seeking reelection

to the Pawnee City Council.

I am gonna be running
for Dexhart's seat.

And the campaign starts now.

Oh, I love the sound of
silence before a big cheer.

That's what's happening, right?

Leslie, no offense.

I've heard a lot
of bad ideas today.

- This is the worst.
- April?

I would love it if you ran
an insane campaign

and basically turned
into the joker.

But that means you probably
shouldn't do it.

- Andy? - I don't know,
Leslie. It seems risky.

And I'd hate to see you go
through another tough fight.

But I could be wrong. I
haven't pooped in three days.

Okay, Ron, you have always
given me sage counsel.

And your words
carry great influence so...

- what do you think I should do?
- I do not think you should run again.

What the hell do you know,
Dum-Dum?

All of you! Look,
this is my only option.

I am running again
with or without you.

Leslie, you're running
for office again?

What a great idea!
How can I help?

Ugh...

Well, no one else brought
me good business ideas.

So I decided to take
care of it myself.

Talking tissue!

Any time you pull one out, you get
a little message to hype you up.

Blow that nose, playah!

- No.
- This stinks.

I'm just gonna have to go back to
my same job that I've had forever.

Yeah, I get why
you're bummed out.

I mean, look at me.

I'm younger than you, and I
already have my own department.

Plus I'm married, and I
make more money than you.

Whatever. You just merged your department
with parks then made up your own title.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

I'm empty, yo.
Fill me up.

Do that again.

What could you possibly need
at 6:00 in the morning?

We couldn't read your writing, and
we need to know the sex of our baby.

I'm watching cartoons
with my son.

Daddy!

An Elmer Fudd one is on!

Stop it. Hey, what's
up, beautiful?

Jean-Ralphio.
I live in the guesthouse.

What do you say you and I get
together in a special way?

I-I'm pregnant.

- The more the merrier.
- With my baby.

Well, you can come too,
beautiful.

Look at that. I guess sometimes
I call men "beautiful" too.

I guess I'm open-minded as hell.

And I think you're
pretty good-looking.

- Thank you.
- Can you just read that

and tell us what the
sex is, please?

Wow.

It looks like the chicken that wrote
this had a stroke on the paper.

Listen, I-I kind of remember.

But I don't want to say
anything that's wrong.

Give me 15 minutes.
I will get dressed.

We'll go down
to my office. Okay.

Well, have a good day
at work today, daddy.

Also, if you don't know already,
there's a malfunction with the TV,

where it keeps ordering
p*rn, like, a ton of p*rn.

Like, how can someone watch
that much p*rn in one sitting?

Only when you're
out of the house.

So if you see it on the bill,
that's why. Okay?

"And therefore, with your help,

we can make our future bright.

I believe I still have
a lot to offer this city."

I'd swap those two lines.

Always helps to end on
the call to action.

I'm sorry if it felt like
everyone piled on.

We were just being honest.

But if you really want to do this,
of course we'll support you.

Thank you. I'm sorry
I stormed out.

You know, I've been thinking
for weeks of what to get you

as a "last day in City Council"
present.

And I finally figured it out.

You remember Jen Barkley, political
consultant and power broker?

Hey! Jen! What brings
you back to Pawnee?

Ben bought one hour of my time. I
heard you need some consulting?

Well, uh, I guess.

- I mean, how are you? How's your family?
- Okay, I get paid $1,200 an hour.

Do you really wanna
spend any of that time

talking about my mother and her
19-year-old Korean husband?

Well, that does sound fascinating.
But you're right, let's talk.

Okay. I'll get the chair.

Ron!

That's how I enter rooms now.
It's more dramatic.

Why did you enter at all?

Because I have some huge news.

You're looking at Pawnee's
new business liaison.

I don't like French words.

I do like the word "business."
You may continue.

April created a new position for
herself, and I wanna do the same.

The town could use more private-sector
money after the merger.

So as business liaison, I would find
companies looking to move or expand,

and convince them
to do it in Pawnee.

Now this is a good idea.

You've come a long way, son.

And while I got you here...

talking tissue. Go for it.

Yo, dog! Life is
what you make of it.

Leave while I'm ahead?
You got it.

Clear them sinuses, playboy!

Someone's got the sniffies.

Tell your mama you love 'er.

Step up your vitamin
"C" game, bro!

So they recall me after
all I've done for them.

Ridiculous.

- But Dexhart now has another
sex scandal. - Of course he does.

And the plan is I'm
gonna run for his seat.

Because how do I lose
to a guy like that?

- That's a great idea, right?
- It's a terrible idea.

I knew it. Wait. What?

First of all, you could
lose to a guy like that.

Terrible people defeat great
people all of the time.

I should know. Those terrible
people have paid me so much money,

I have a condo
in every virgin island.

Now you might win.

You're smart, Ben is
smart, you might win.

But why would you want to?

Because it's my dream job.

Then dream bigger.

Look, you love this town. It's
being run by monsters and morons?

Get a better job!

Rise above their heads. Affect
change at a higher level.

Don't be the kid that
graduates high school,

hangs out in the
school parking lot.

Be the woman who moves away,

climbs the ladder, and then
confidently comes back

and has sex with her hot old
English teacher just for kicks.

- Is that what you did?
- Yeah. Mr. Baker.

Sex was pretty good,
thanks to me.

Look, Pawnee has
done you a favor.

You've outgrown them.

You've got talent, and
you've got name recognition.

Which means that you have a bright,
wide-open future with a thousand options.

State Senate.

Federal jobs.

Even congress.

All of these are doable for you.

And you can trust me...

because I don't care
enough about you to lie.

Uh-oh. Oh, time's up.

Okay, if you want
to keep talking,

you're gonna have to pay
me 1,200 more dollars.

- I just need--
- No, I swear to God,

if you say one more word, you
will legally owe me $1,200,

and I will sue you.
Let's not end it like that.

Okay, great to see you, Leslie.
Those five words are on me.

Should I move this back?
Don't answer it!

I don't know what
you're thinking, but

you have a press
conference in ten minutes.

Well, this is it...

The final moment..

What are you hoping for?

I will honestly be
happy either way.

Me too.

Boy or girl,

it doesn't matter.

Because it will literally be

the greatest child
who's ever lived.

You swear you have
no preference?

You?

Not at all.

Who's ready? Raise your hand.

- It's a boy!
- Yes!

I thought you didn't
have a preference.

I didn't. I just really
wanted it to be a boy.

Me too.

I don't know why.

You guys are just so neat.

Would you be interested
in adopting my children?

They're in their late 20s,
they're terrible.

No? No go?

I ask all my patients.

I've gathered you all here today
because I have an announcement,

a very big announcement,
about my future.

I will be heading to lunch today

with my husband.

At JJ's diner.

We will eat waffles.

And then we will go home
and make out on our couch.

That is my future.

For now.

It's been an honor
to serve this town.

And I will cherish the
memories forever.

Thank you.

- Ms. Knope!
- There you have it.

A shockingly unshocking
press conference

in which a recently unemployed
woman said nothing of importance.

I'm Perd Hapley, and I just realized
I'm not holding my microphone.

Jen Barkley telling
me I had a future was

the best present I could
have got. Thank you.

You're welcome.

But, I did get you one other present
to take your mind off all this.

Aww, you are the sweetest
man in the world. Where is it?

Well, it's not here.

We have to go get it.

In times of stress or in
moments of transition,

sometimes it can feel like the
whole world is closing in on you.

When that happens, you should close
your eyes, take a deep breath,

listen to the people that love you
when they're giving advice,

and remember what really matters.

And, if you have the ability
to go to Paris, by all means,

go to Paris!

- I found one!
- Oh, great!

- Mm, right here.
- Yeah?