06x12 - Farmers Market

[bunniefuu]

I've got to say, this report is quite impressive, Ms. Knope.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. City Manager. And I have to say

that the way that you're rocking those slacks

is quite impressive, as well.

Well, thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)

Can we hurry this up, please?

What? There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the fantastic work

of one of your employees. Especially if she's adorable.

I am back in the Parks Department and Ben is city manager.

But we're married, so it's kosher. And awesome.

We live together... And work together.

And we are so in sync... In sync, that we finish each other's...

Sentences. (LAUGHS) We rehearsed that at home.

Naked in bed.

What?

Please stamp the form.

I just want to admire it one more time. Again, fantastic work.

In fact, such good work, I think I'm in love with you.

Oh, my God. That's great news.

Because I'm in love with you, too.

What? What?

Stamp the form.

Okay, let's not let Ron feel left out.

We love you, too, Ron.

Stamp the damn form! Group hug.

I'm down for a group hug. Little G.H.?

Bring it in. Come on.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

I think our love made him angry.

I think he broke my wrist. I'm not kidding. Really?

CHRIS: Good morning, Ann Perkins.

How are you feeling today?

Perfect. Except that I'm a whale,

and that my feet already k*ll.

(LAUGHS) Whales don't have feet.

I am a crazy shape.

This morning, when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward

like a poorly made bowling pin.

And did I mention that my feet k*ll me all the time?

Oh, let me rub them.

Oh, wait. No.

I read something

that there's a pressure point

in the foot that can induce labor.

Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't care.

I'm going to go choke down those horse pills I have to take every day.

Oh, no, no. I'll cut them in half for you.

And I will pour you a glass

of flaxseed milk to wash it down.

Everything is amazing. Today is perfect. And I love you.

Chris is so wonderful and thoughtful and positive.

He's driving me up the (BLEEP) wall.

Smoothie's ready!

LESLIE: Opening this farmers market

was one of my greatest achievements as city councilor.

It's good for the economy, it's good for families,

and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle.

Which Pawnee desperately needs.

Look at this tiny tree. Can you eat this?

Aw, this one's dead.

Hey, Connie Cabbage. What's good today?

Green cabbage is always a safe bet.

Red cabbage is good.

I mean, you can't go wrong.

That's the fun thing about cabbage.

One of the fun things.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Time to crank this market up a notch, y'all!

"Chardbodies."

"Get a chard on"?

Let's get "recharded" in here!

What the hell is going on?

Oh, yeah. That's the new chard stand.

I suppose that's one way to sell vegetables.

We got Swiss chard! We got white chard! We got chard poppers!

And for all you freaking vegans out there.

We got chard sh*ts! Yeah!

Mmm, chard is so bitter.

Ben, do something.

What do you want me to do?

Well, you're the city manager.

Kick them out. They're violating every single

one of the farmers market's rules of conduct.

By rules of conduct, do you mean

that wooden sign you made that says,

"Peas be kind to others"?

Yes. And, " In case of fire, romaine calm!"

Um, and, "You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are."

I don't like vegetables, but I am very good at vegetable puns.

Okay. I admit this is a little iffy...

LESLIE: A little iffy?

I can't do anything until I check the rules for city vendors.

CONNIE: Cabbage.

Come and get it.

Connie, no.

Put those away.

(SINGING) April's sitting on my lap

I shouldn't tell her that I've got to take a crap

Oh, no

Don't.

I should just go

Oh, my God! You play guitar?

No, that's a super small piano.

Okay, I'm going to need the sarcasm to take a long walk right now.

My terrible nephew, Sebastian,

is having his sixth birthday party this weekend,

and the clown they hired has shingles. (GASPS)

Do you think your band could play for an hour?

How much? Seventy five.

$75,000?

How about $300?

$300,000?

$150.

They'll do it.

Ah, thank you. That is such a relief.

I love my nephew very much, but he's a horrible little tyrant,

so don't ruin this day for him!

150 bucks? Split that four ways, boom, $600.

I'll say it again. The men's room

needs a separate dispenser for face wash.

I can't wash my face with hand soap.

Look at these pores. They're gaping.

Hey, guys.

Time out. Let's take a brief recess.

Can we help you, Ann?

I was looking for Leslie. But now I'm curious

why you guys are sitting around

doing nothing and getting drunk at work.

It's the Whine and Cheese Club, gorgeous.

It's a monthly gathering where we all

get together and vent about what annoys us at work.

Over fine wines and cheeses, of course.

Larry! Salami!

RON: The Human Resources Department requires

that I be available once a month to discuss

workplace disputes with my employees.

The rules do not specify whether or not I am

allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.

Kyle parked his car in my spot again.

Now, that is the fourth time this month.

(SINGING ON HEADPHONES) Hello, walls

Hello... How'd things go for you today?

I just want to choke him until he passes out.

Time! This looks like fun. I want to try.

Hmm, there's rules to this, sweet pea. It's Donna's turn next.

I'll cede my time to Ann. I have a feeling this is going to be good.

Okay. Well, I'm not going to talk for long, because I have to pee. Again.

'Cause I have to pee every six minutes,

because I have a beach ball in my stomach

that's punching on my bladder. (LAUGHING)

That sucks.

I know. I'm never not hungry.

Well, have some cheese. I can't have cheese, Larry!

And I can't have wine either. I can't have anything good.

You know what I can have, is liquefied flaxseed.

But I don't want that. You know what I want?

Pork rinds. I want jelly beans.

And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes.

I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots,

I want them to be cinnamon buns.

I want to be a giant head and a mouth,

and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets!

And where's my trash bag of potatoes?

(PANTS)

Time.

Yikes.

BEN: Okay, Harrison Ford movie night.

Before we do that, I was thinking more about that chard guy.

I mean, it would be very easy for you to revoke their license.

Okay, Leslie, this is city business.

I'm not an emperor. I can't just kick them out for no reason.

The reason is, it's vegetable p*rn. p*rn on the cob.

I'm sorry, I'm just very good at that.

Look, I am not a prude.

But, the point is people shouldn't be half-naked, you know, in public,

in the middle of the day, in front of children. There's your reason.

Kick them out!

Look, now that we're working together again,

maybe it would be good to keep our home life

and our work life separate.

Like, we only talk about work stuff when we're at City Hall.

Like a firewall system.

(SIGHS) Yeah. Yeah, okay, that's smart.

Home is home, and work is work.

We can always talk about this tomorrow at the office.

Good. I'm glad you agree.

(GROANS) All right, Crystal Skull it is.

BEN: No, it's ridiculous to think that you could survive a nuclear blast

by jumping into a refrigerator.

But still, it's like... Yeah, yeah.

Titanium... Okay. So, I found the legal precedent

to shut down those vegetable smut peddlers.

What is happening?

Firewall, man. We pulled into the parking lot,

and this is technically City Hall property.

So, now, we're at work. Let's do this.

The farmers market is a community meeting place.

And that pansexual stripper show

basically negates the whole purpose.

So, if you're looking for a reason to kick them out, here's 158.

The new Farmers Market Rule Book.

Okay. When did you make this?

I stayed up all night. I also made these, Leslie's Toffee Surprise.

The surprise is there's toffee in the inside.

You can eat those once you revoke the chard vendor's license.

Good day, colleague.

Okay.

Ann Perkins, how are you feeling?

You don't want to know.

It's all I want to know.

All right, man. You asked for it.

I have sh**ting pains that go all the way up from my butt to my neck.

My stomach has so many stretch marks on it

that it looks like an old-fashioned globe.

My boobs are getting really sore.

Also, I just read Brooke Shields' book on postpartum depression.

Now, I have pre-postpartum depression anxiety.

Well, never fear. I will get you Tylenol

for your pain and shea butter for your belly.

And your voluptuous figure only means

your body is working exactly as nature intended it.

Here. It's all good. Is that better?

Yeah, thanks.

I've been reading up on nipples. The reason that you're feeling

nipple sensitivity is because your milk ducts

in your nipples are opening up.

Which is why I bought you this nipple kit.

It's from Kernston's, the nipple people.

It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also,

a special nipple pimple ointment

in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.

Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word "nipple!"

Okay. Anyway, hopefully, that will help you with any sensitivity

that may arise around your...

Boob hats.

ANN: Larry, get in there. Come on.

I don't even know what we're doing.

What is the meaning of this, nurse?

Emergency Whine and Cheese Club.

Put your headphones on, Ron.

I have a lot of complaints. Sit down! I need to vent.

And do not, under any circumstances, respond to anything I say.

All right. Let's talk about vomit, kids. I do it all day long.

(SINGING) It's super fun It feels super good

I want to do it all the time Sex is cool

Okay. Sex is Cool. Got that. I say we finish on Drunk Off Our Asses.

And I think we should do Sex in Space.

It's 20 minutes long. But it's really good.

Babe? I don't think you should play

any of those songs for a group of 6-year-olds.

Whoa, wait. 6-year-olds? Did you book us a gig at a kid's party?

You said we were playing in a festival.

You said Dave Grohl might be there.

Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere.

That guy's awesome and he's unpredictable.

No. No, I'm not playing for a bunch of screaming kids.

Mouse Rat is a rock band. We're not The Wiggles.

Come on!

I'm sick of all the drama with this band.

I quit. I'm going back to rabbinical school.

(CYMBAL CLATTERS) Umbilical school?

Rivers, come back. Rivers, don't do this. Hey!

Shaq might be there!

Hey. Did you get a chance to sign off on that booklet I gave you?

Well, I read it.

But it seems like your farmers market rules

may be specifically targeting Chardbodies.

What? How?

"No visible cleavage. No strobe lights.

"No chard-related innuendo."

Those apply to all vendors.

Either way, it's too late. The train has left the station.

Okay. What train, from which station?

You're revoking my license? Oh, boy.

Yes, Nolan, under the auspices of the office of city manager,

et cetera, et cetera, it's not important,

you are in violation of many rules

and, therefore, you cannot sell your goods

anymore at the Pawnee Farmers Market.

Ben, back me up on this without hesitation.

Nolan, can I have a second to speak with my wife...

With Ms. Knope, for a second?

Look, chard is disgusting.

You try selling it without sexy dancers. It's impossible.

It's like, " Hey, you like lettuce? Try this. It's worse.

"It tastes like kale took a dump on spinach."

I like to think of it as celery with BO.

But if it's so gross, you should just sell something else.

I inherited this farm from my dad. It's all I have.

Plus, the other vendors want me there. I'm good for business.

We're not revoking your license for now. I am sorry you had to come in.

Judas!

I don't appreciate being ambushed, Leslie.

Let's just go home. No.

I know what you're trying to do.

If we go home, the firewall is up

and then you don't have to deal with me anymore.

Instead, fellow employee, I will meet you

in the basement conference room at 6:00 p.m.

and we will solve this chard issue once and for all.

Don't forget your approval pen.

What? There's no such thing.

Yes, there is. I made it for you last night.

Ugh! And Lamaze class? Wait till I tell you about that Ponzi scheme.

Oh, hey, Donna. What the hell?

You know I can't be around smoke. Or fatty tuna. Ron!

At first, this was funny, but it's gotten out of hand.

This was our chance to vent about work, and you've taken it over.

Yeah. It's Sushi and Cigar Club now.

Wow, okay, I see how it is.

I feel bad.

I don't. This is a Cuban.

This is yellowtail. I feel amazing.

Whoa! Monster in the window!

You know what my biggest complaint is?

I have a million things I need to complain about,

and I can't take them home

because Chris is the most considerate person in the world.

And he just wants to help me.

And then, I feel bad about that.

And then, I get annoyed that he wants

to help me and I feel even worse about that.

I thought you guys would be cool with me

complaining since all you do is

sit here and complain

without judgment or guilt.

But you know what? I guess I was wrong. And you know what?

I would yell some more, but I think I just peed my pants a little bit.

What's happening now? Is the nurse upset? I don't care.

Okay, 6:00. Let's do this. Larry?

Hey, Leslie. Ben couldn't make it,

so he asked me to read you this,

"Dear Honey." Aw, how sweet. Read.

"Sorry, but I think we just

"need to take a break from this work issue.

"Please don't grind your teeth too hard

"when you hear this. I will see you in the car.

"I love you." Oh, that is so sweet that you still write love letters.

Ahhh!

What the hell are you doing out here?

Sorry, babe. I am off City Hall property.

You have to stop. Firewall.

Wrong!

All roads and bridges fall under the purview

of the Pawnee Department of Transportation,

which is located on the fourth floor of City Hall.

Firewall down. Stay frosty, Wyatt.

We're just getting started.

Okay, well, that's interesting. You know why?

Why? Because...

Mother...

Ha-ha!

Bank! Private property. Firewall restored.

Ha-ha-ha! The concrete that you're standing on

was poured by a municipal construction crew.

(GRUNTS)

Private fountain. Private property. I'm safe.

Guess where the water comes from. The Pawnee Reservoir.

You can't escape City Hall, fool. Let's dance.

Hey, friends.

I'm just about to go on my night jog. Would you like to join me?

Mmm, hard pass.

We're here because you need to tend to your woman.

She's complaining about everything, ruining Whine and Cheese Club.

I literally have 1,000 questions.

Why is Ron wearing headphones?

What is Whine and Cheese Club? And what is Ann complaining about?

You, mostly. How you never let her vent

because you're always too busy trying to solve everything for her.

She's upset that I'm trying to help her?

You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher.

Trying to fix a woman's problems

instead of just listening to what they are.

Why are you yelling?

Tom put all my records into this rectangle.

Hey, man. If Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself.

What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes,

nod your head, and say those two magic words.

That. Sucks.

That sucks?

I've spent my entire life reading

instructional books about relationships,

in order to trick women into liking me.

When Ann tells you what's bothering her,

don't try to fix it.

Just say, "Damn, that sucks."

The songs just play one right after the other.

This is an excellent rectangle.

Okay. This is insane.

It is forty degrees and we are standing in freezing water.

No, this is our motivation.

We are not leaving this fountain

until we've figured this out once and for all.

Fine. Why are you not supporting me on this?

I thought you agreed with me.

I do, as a person.

But as city manager, I'm not 100% sure you have a case.

You're not listening to my side.

I mean, sometimes when we disagree, you're so passionate

I feel like I'm arguing with the sun.

What? That is totally crazy! I am super chill all the time.

Look, let's just admit it. We're in a weird position.

We're married, our professional status has flipped, like, five times.

I mean, now, I'm your boss.

This is "uncharded" territory for us.

Oh! That's nice.

Thanks. I learned from the best.

The point is, forget firewalls.

Let's just be respectful and communicate,

and we'll find the right balance.

You're right. I'm sorry. I should have considered your side.

I love you, and you're also a very smart person.

Let's get out of this fountain.

I can't because my legs are numb.

Yeah, I can't move.

Are we going to die here? Yeah.

CRAIG: No, don't do that. I don't like this game.

I don't know what the rules are.

ANDY: Okay, babe, here's what I did.

Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song.

I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to...

(SINGING) You've got sex bears You got them from me, kids

It's sex bears Big old sex bears

Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.

The word "sex". Crap! What the hell am I supposed to sing?

It's time, Andrew. These kids are tearing my house apart,

and I need you to calm them with the power of song.

Oh, gosh, here's the thing. I can't do it. I've got laryngitis.

You will not bail on me, Andrew Dwyer. You will perform.

My nephew is something of an outcast at his school,

and I got Erica Swarvane to come, which is a huge get.

She rules the first grade.

And this party will determine his social status for the next 100 years!

So, you better get out there or I am going to lose it!

Have you not lost it?

You don't even know!

Babe, I'm freaking out.

Listen to me.

You make up songs all the time,

off the top of your head. You do!

You can do this. And afterwards, we can have cake.

I already had cake.

APRIL: Andy!

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

Okay, focus up, you little monsters!

Not you, Erica. You're an angel,

and we're thrilled you're here.

Now. Is everyone ready to hear the best music you've ever heard

in your miserable little lives?

CHILDREN: No!

Okay. Then, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

What even do you call yourself?

Oh, too late! Please welcome Johnny Karate and His Magical Guitar Stick!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Hey.

(SINGING) It feels super good It's super fun

I want to do it all the time

Pick your nose

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Because boogers are gross Clean out your snout

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

You can pick your nose with your smelly toes

CHILDREN: Ew!

ANDY: He's doing it!

You're picking your nose and you put it on your friend!

(LAUGHS) I started that. Great!

(SINGING) Everybody pees the bed

It's just something that we do

I, for instance, peed the bed

until I was thirty two

CHILDREN: Ew.

(SINGING) Don't play with matches They're really not safe

Your parents keep them in a drawer with twist ties and batteries

My name is Bert Macklin.

I investigate stinky feet for the FBI.

(SINGING) Stinky feet patrol Stinky feet patrol

(CHILDREN SCREAMING HAPPILY)

Stinky feet patrol Stinky feet patrol

(SCREAMING)

This is so fun.

I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.

Oh, hey! How was your day?

(SIGHS) It was okay.

Now my legs really hurt.

It's like I have a tension headache, but in my calves.

A new surprise every day.

That sucks.

I know.

And I'm so gassy. There's just been, like, a long, slow fart stream

coming out of me since we started talking.

This morning.

That really sucks.

Yeah, it does. Thanks.

I'm sorry that I was trying to fix all your problems.

Oh, God, don't apologize. I'm sorry I was such a freak.

You're the nicest, most thoughtful

baby-daddy a girl could ask for.

That was incredible.

You are overflowing with talent and I admire you.

Excuse me. Mr. Karate?

Mr. Karate? (LAUGHING) Mr. Karate?

My son wants you to sing at his birthday party next weekend.

Are you available?

He is. But, it's actually $250 for short notice.

You can call this number and ask for April Karate.

Thanks, I will.

Babe? My God.

That was amazing.

I kind of think you could make a career out of this.

But, I mean, I don't know...

What does that make me? A kids' performer?

I'm supposed to be a rock star.

You just had fun in there and made $150.

Who cares about what you are supposed to be?

Yeah. Plus, you have never been sexier to me

than when you were singing to those kids just now.

Really? That's weird.

Nolan, I'm very sorry that I overreacted and overstepped my bounds.

I understand.

When I got into the chard game,

I knew I'd ruffle some feathers.

Sure. I'm just glad that we could all come to an agreement.

All right, everybody. It is now 5:00 p.m.

Which means the farmers market is closed.

And Farmers Market After Dark is open for business!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, if this is the way people

want to buy their produce, so be it.

BEN: This town is full of lunatics.

BOTH: Ugh!

My God! That was a terrible idea!

God, it's like a tree barfed in my mouth!

Ugh.