06x15 - The Wall

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Ron. Enough's enough. Let's
talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

- Dear God, woman.
- Three main activities--

baby bingo, baby
food tasting,

and my personal favorite--
baby onesie decorating station.

I'm gonna make mine
look like an astronaut.

What are you doing up there in
space, baby? Ah! So cute! Okay.

I have some gift ideas. I was looking
at a very adorable stroller.

We already have
a stroller.

Oh, sh**t. Really?

I'm gonna have to think
of something else.

Oh, my God, whose baby is that?

That would be mine.

Guys, get in here!
Ron has a baby!

- Oh, Ron, cool baby.
- Thank you, Andrew.

Everyone, I'd like to
introduce you to my son,

John middle name
redacted Swanson.

John was born some time ago, weighing
multiple pounds and several ounces.

Much like his father,
he is a fan of silence.

Please keep your
voices down.

How am I supposed to keep my voice
down when you had your baby,

and you didn't tell me
that you had your baby?

- Why would you need to know something
like that? - Why would I-- oh, my God.

I have not even
sent Diane a gift.

She's just walking around,

wondering why I haven't
sent her a gift yet.

- Should we do something?
- Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us,
Ron, please just let us know.

Actually there
is something.

Could one of you please
stop by the pet store

and pick up some
fish food for me?

When did you get a fish?

Okay, youth committee. Update
on the unity concert. Madison.

So far, 12 bands
have said yes.

And we asked them all to submit a
song for the new town anthem contest.

I think we should book Orin as
a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer.

Um, he dislocates his shoulder
to the music of Billy Joel.

The Pawnee Journal called it,
"Why would anyone do this?"

Stop suggesting Orin.

Craig, any update
on the art tents?

14 local artists have signed
up to show their work.

It was going to be 15,
but then this one guy

described himself as
"Jackson Pollock-esque"

and I told him that's finger
painting for adults and I hate it!

The Pawnee-Eagleton merger
has made for a rough year,

both for me and
for the town.

But if I can pull off
this unity concert

and prove that this
merger was a success,

Pawnee might once again
tolerate-slash-ignore me.

I know that sounds bad,
but for a politician

it's pretty much the
best-case scenario.

Well, you guys might as
well be a pile of leaves

because you're about
to get blown away.

I have booked a meeting with
none other than Grant Larson.

- No one knows who that is?
- Um, I do.

"Grant Larson," otherwise
known as Elton John.

- Congratulations, Leslie.
- No, Grant Larson is the director

of the Midwest branch of
the National Park Service.

He's basically the Liam
Bonneville of the Midwest.

Liam Bonneville?

The department of the
interior's resident bad boy?

He's basically the Tim Dweck--
Okay, never mind.

I have asked Grant to declare
Eagleton Hills a national park

as the grand finale
of our unity concert.

Great idea, Leslie.

And with that update,

the Pawnee new founder's day unity
concert is now officially...

ahead of schedule!

And that banner unfurling
marks the 100th time

that one of my
projects has been...

ahead of schedule.

This is your chance
to put your names

on the Pawnee unity concert,
the biggest event of 2014...

besides the unveiling of
Tricia's new highlights.

You think I wouldn't notice?
You look fly as hell, girl!

This unity concert needs
corporate sponsorship,

so Ben and I are meeting
with local bigwigs.

I'm gonna do what I do
best-- lock down deals.

And dork-asaurus over here is
gonna handle the boring stuff.

You said you genuinely
valued my business acumen.

Also, I'm your boss.

Oh, my God, he's so cute.

You're the cutest little
boo-bear I've ever seen.

You are the world's most
adorable baby and I love you!

You are so freaking precious!

Look what Gayle
made for the baby.

It says "Property of
Pawnee government."

Isn't that adorable?

Come on, John.

Jeez.

Here we are...

the park that borders
Pawnee and Eagleton.

This is the perfect place for the press
conference to announce our unity concert.

People are gonna clap,
they're gonna cheer.

Today might be the day
that I finally crowd surf.

I should probably empty
my pockets just in case.

Hey, one question.

Um, where do you think
you're gonna stand,

in front of the graffiti that
says "Pawnee, you suck,"

or "Go home,
Eagleton snobs"?

I painted over that graffiti a week ago.
These people are the worst!

I cannot announce
a unity concert

in front of a picture of a bald
eagle giving the middle finger.

Yeah, you probably wanna stand to
the side so people can see it.

You know, why do we
even have this wall?

We're supposed to be uniting the two
towns, and this literally divides them.

- We should just knock it down.
- On it, boss.

Ahh!

Ow.

The kool-aid guy
makes it look so easy.

In the time I've worked here,
I've taken great pains

to see as little of this
building as possible.

Turns out the third
floor is silent, empty,

and completely free
of government work.

I can't think of anything more
beautiful to share with my son.

If I had a toolbox I could take
care of that faulty radiator.

Ooh! This place
is a paradise!

Nicely done, Tom. We have
15 sponsorship offers.

Make that 16.
Mitch Savner.

- Savner Bleaches and Chemicals!
- That's it.

You guys make my favorite
teeth-whitening strips--

pearlies for girlies.
It's unisex.

The cartoon princess
on the label says so.

I'll sponsor your concert.

But I'm also looking to
invest in other ventures.

I have a feeling a bright guy like
you has some ideas of his own.

I may have a few eggs ready to
hatch in the personal idea nest.

Why don't you come to my office tomorrow
and pitch me your hottest idea?

Perfect! I'll
see you then.

- Oh, that's pretty cool.
- It's all happening, Ben.

Soon I'll have a new career,
new crib, new friends.

If all goes well, this may be one of the
last times I ever have to speak to you.

Come with me, I
need your help.

Thank you so much,
everyone, for coming.

And a special thank you to the
city council for their support.

I was told there'd be
a free barbecue buffet?

Just take some beef
jerky and... hush!

This spring we will be holding
a massive unity concert

to commemorate the merger
between Pawnee and Eagleton.

This three-day music
and arts festival

will end on a day we will
call "New Founder's Day,"

an official beginning
to our new town.

A few years ago, Eagleton put
up this wall along the border.

Now it is time to
tear down this wall.

In the name of unity, I have given some
former Eagletonians the first strike.

Take it away, guys.

This is such a
great day for--

Bees! Bees! Oh!

Nobody panic!

Ohhh, noooo!

Ah! It stung me
in the eyeball!

Oh, man, this is
amazing, man.

The stupid Eagletonians are totally
getting the pwned by these bees.

I'm gonna send this
straight to tosh.

Ow, f*ck! f*ck!

Don't worry, babe,
I'll protect you.

I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead
and sting me, bees. It does nothing.

Leslie, it appears that most of the people
that were stung were from Eagleton.

- How did you pull that off?
- I didn't pull anything off.

The Eagletonians were
simply closest to the wall.

Plus, one Pawneean was stung...
in his mouth

because he was laughing
at the Eagletonians.

How did you get your
bees into the wall,

and how long did it take to plan this
hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?

They were not
my bees, Trodd.

And for the last time
this was not a prank.

I did not know that
bees were in that wall.

I mean, in fact you should treat this
like a public service announcement.

Everybody... should check
their walls for bees.

Nice try, prank queen.
Probably bees in there.

Okay, that's all
the time I have.

- What else can you do with your bees?
- Leslie, what's your next prank?

Ooh.

Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone
from the National Park Service.

I cannot meet with him right now.
We are in crisis mode, okay?

Larry, just tell him
I need to reschedule

because I am trying to fix
my bee hole disaster.

- Okeydokey.
- Wait! No, wait!

No!
Larry, don't tell him that.

Don't mention my bee hole.

Just as we suspected, John.

We repaired the
valve stem seal,

and now all that remains is to
tighten down this packing nut.

And... that should do it.

Can we help you?

No. We have everything
under control.

My crew's redoing
this whole floor.

We're the only people
allowed up here right now.

Well, proceed with your work.
You won't notice us at all.

We're gonna be kinda loud.

My son is several
weeks old.

He's quite familiar with
the sound of power tools.

Okay, how about this one--
Lasik for fingernails?

Cut your fingernails once,
never have to cut 'em again.

All we need is a complicated laser
I have no idea how to build.

- Seems impossible.
- All right.

Uh-oh! "Saltweens!"
Saltines for tweens.

Seems... unnecessary?

The only business idea I have that's even
remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.

No way. Restaurants
were ranked number one

in Accounting Magazine's
"Riskiest Businesses" issue.

That was their last issue
before they folded, actually.

Magazines are also very risky.

I can't believe an angel investor
floated down from the heavens,

and I don't even have
anything to pitch him.

Come on, you must've had one good
business idea. You're 52 years old!

No, I'm not. But I
do have an idea.

It's air-tight.

But I have to warn you,
it's not super sexy.

- What is it?
- Okay, listen up.

You would be the middleman
between dry cleaners

and the companies
that sell chemicals...

to dry cleaners.

- Wow!
- Right?

You're right, man.
That is not sexy.

Leslie Knope's little stunt put
three people in the hospital.

This bee incident is
just the latest as*ault

coming from the Pawnee
side of this merger.

Mike Patterson is Eagleton's
most tenacious reporter.

When he sinks his teeth into something,
he's like a dog with a bone!

Oh, my God! You can't lean
in to whisper and then yell.

- That's not fair.
- This merger is so fragile,

everyone is on edge, and no one is
talking about the unity concert.

Why would anybody think
that was a prank?

So sad. People will
believe anything.

- It was a prank though, right?
- No more press, okay?

You just have to lay low
for a while.

I promise it'll all blow over.

April, your competence
and your levelheadedness

is very moving to me, and
I will follow your advice

right after I go to the hospital and
apologize to every victim in person.

- Fine, but no cameras.
- Fine, I won't bring any.

Aghh! I can't handle
all this fighting.

It's like Thanksgiving
2004 all over again!

Don't even ask!

Somebody follow me,
I'm distraught!

Who's a big guy?

Man, forget about working.

I just wanna stare
at this baby all day.

What is the nature of
your work on this floor?

Total redo--new floors,
fixtures, plumbing.

How long will it take?

Six to eight weeks.

Deal.

I will do all this work for
you in the time allotted.

Just have your tools and
materials brought up here.

Are you crazy? This is enough
work for a whole crew.

I'm sure the government believed
you when you told them that,

and I tip my cap to you for
profiting off their ignoe.

But I'm offering you two
months paid vacation

and the ability to take credit for
my work, which will be flawless.

Okay. Guys, let's go!

I got all help I'll
need right here.

Okay, this is the
really exciting part.

We buy tetrachloroethylene
at $1.60 a gallon,

but we sell it back
at 2.38 a gallon.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

What if it's a cleaner who
wants to buy glycol ethers?

Ben, stop!

This is so boring!

This is like listening to a
TED talk by the color beige.

Look, I know this idea
doesn't excite you.

But I promise it'll make you
a lot of money.

Well, I sold tons
of awesome stuff.

Guess it makes sense
my next challenge

is to sell something
mind-numbingly dull.

Dull?

Does this look
dull to you?

Ahhhh.

I'm so incredibly sorry.

That's very kind
of you, Ms. Knope.

I hope you look a lot
less gross very soon.

Hey!

Thanks for coming, Knope.
I knew we were besties.

What do you got in there
for me, some dirty mags?

No! These gift baskets
are for innocent victims...

not for jerks who got stung because they
were laughing at other people's pain.

Whatever. Got a lotta filth
in my kindle anyway.

We can just hang.

- Wanna come up?
- What?

- We gotta get this.
- Roll camera.

Tell me when.
Is my hair okay?

We good?

Welcome to Eagleton Now,
with Mike Patterson.

We're live ambushing
Leslie Knope

who's in the middle
of a crass publicity stunt,

shoving cameras cameras into the faces
of these poor, injured victims.

These are your cameras.
This is not a publicity stunt.

I just came here by myself to apologize
to all the Eagletonians who got stung.

Really? Because all we see
is you talking to your friend,

known Eagleton
hater Jeremy Jamm.

Excuse me, Mike. That's,
uh, best friend.

Pawneeans and Eagletonians
need to find a way

to come together and
bury the hatchet.

It doesn't matter who bailed out
who, or who seceded from you.

Awesome idea, l*zzie.

As a matter of fact I say we
should secede from Eagleton!

Whose dumbass idea was it
for them to merge anyway?

Mine. It was my idea.

You heard it here first.

Self-proclaimed dumbass Leslie
Knope and councilman Jeremy Jamm

are spearheading
a Pawnee secession movement.

And I, for one,
am sick of it.

All right, you know what,
Eagleton, enough!

Get these cameras
outta here!

Don't touch my camera,
you Pawnee animal!

Name-calling, huh?

Classy move, douche bag.

Oh! All right.

Is that how you
wanna play?

- Yeah! Come on!
- No fighting in a hospital.

There shouldn't be
fighting in a hospital!

Wish I had my ninja stars!

Oh, my God!
What's happening?

Oh!

Mother... puncher!

Hey, girl.
What up?

What are you wearing?

It's to distract people
from my black eye.

See? It's working.

Cool. Um... well, there
is some good news.

That Mike Patterson guy's show
just aired, everyone is angry,

and Jamm is introducing a secession
bill at the next city council meeting.

- How is any of that good news?
- It's not.

I just wanted you to have a brief moment
of happiness before you got sadder.

Those jerks that hate the
merger are a minority.

They're just shouting louder
than everyone else.

I'm sorry this town keeps being
stupid and letting you down.

- It sucks.
- It's okay, April. It's fine.

You know, it's a challenge.
It's just like a big, fun...

stinking turd nugget.
It sucks.

You're right, everything sucks. Everything
I try with this merger backfires.

I wonder what other excellent surprise
lies in store for Leslie Knope.

Leslie, Grant Larson from the National
Park Service is here for your meeting.

Excellent.

Now I shall meet with a very important
person whilst sporting a gruesome shiner.

Hey, you're also wearing
a tie-dye t-shirt.

Oh, yes! I am!

Wonderful!

Mitch!
Thanks for meeting me.

My pleasure.

It's not often that I see someone
with your sparkle and passion.

That's what makes
businesses work-- passion!

So, Mr. Haverford,
let's get to it.

What idea are you
passionate about?

I've got two
words for you--

"Tom's Bistro,"

an old-fashioned, old-world
Italian restaurant.

Classy, authentic ambience
in a small-town setting.

Why does that say "dry cleaning chemical
transactional holding company?"

Ben! You brought
the wrong easel. God!

Can't take this guy anywhere.
Let me paint you a picture.

Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry.

I had to reschedule. It's
been kind of a hectic week.

- What happened to your face?
- It doesn't matter.

I would like to apply to turn some of
our new land into a national park.

I read your request, Ms. Knope, and I'm
sorry, but we can't make that happen.

Great. Well, this week just keeps
getting better and better.

Thank you for coming by and plunging a
dagger into my already-bleeding corpse.

I came here because I
wanted to meet you.

I've actually wanted to meet you
since before you called me.

- Really? You know who I am?
- Yes.

You're the person
who wrote this.

You read my proposal to
clean up the Pawnee river?

I wrote this two years ago.

Got shuffled around in
interior for a year and half.

Liam Bonneville actually used it
to humiliate staffers, but...

- he's kind of a bad boy.
- Liam B--

- You don't have to tell me!
- This report is legendary.

It's easily the most
thoroughly research

and passionate grant
request I've ever seen.

Wow, you have no idea how meaningful
it is to hear you say that.

But you're a little late. The
river cleanup's well underway.

This is bigger than
the river cleanup.

We're opening a new
office in Chicago.

I spent the last few weeks reading
about you and your career

and I think that you're the
perfect person to run it.

Leslie, would you like to run a
branch of the National Park Service?

Tom's Bistro will have
all the classic elements,

but with modern twists--

an oak bar, live music,

and Sunday brunch with
scrambled eggs so fluffy

they'll be like little pillows
for your bacon.

Bacon pillows.
I like the sound of that.

But I have to say, restaurants
are incredibly risky.

Most of them are
dead on arrival.

We're well-aware of that,

but believe me, Tom
has thought this out.

See, there's plenty
of real estate available

in the old Eagleton
part of town.

And with the recent closures,
there's massive demand

for affordable dining
that feels high-end.

Okay!

As long as you're
running, I'm in.

Amazing!

Hey, kid...

your boss here sure
knows his stuff.

Ron. What are
you doing here?

The most important government
work I've ever done--

sanding rat urine stains
out of this floor.

What are you doing here?

I come here to think
sometimes. By myself.

- But now that you're here...
- Damn it.

I am going to speak to you very
vaguely about a problem that I have,

and you cannot ask me any
questions or details about it.

That is my ideal conversation,
aside from no conversation.

But that feels unlikely.

Look, you know how
much I love Pawnee.

But the more I try to fix it
the more people fight me.

They call me names, they recall
me, they try to k*ll the merger.

They literally punch
me in the face.

And yet every time I
contemplate leaving,

just walking away
once and for all,

I just can't do it.

What is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I fixed that
old steam radiator.

Threaded a new valve into the side,
removed the handle from the base,

unscrewed the packing
nut from the stem.

This subpar toolbox
only had one wrench,

so I was lucky it was a three-quarters
or I'd have been screwed.

Yeah, man, you are lucky.
Come on, Ron.

What the hell?
I need your help.

By the time I was done, this 100-year-old
piece of American-made cast iron

was singing like a bird.

Now... to most people, this
story would seem boring.

That's ridiculous. It's a
story about a radiator.

But to me, it was
immensely satisfying

because I enjoy
fixing radiators.

You like fixing this town,
Leslie, you always have.

You know it's an uphill battle,
but you love the struggle.

I would also add that
you've already done

a hell of a lot to
make this town better,

and people like
this young man here

will benefit from
your hard work.

- He is a beautiful boy.
- He's quite a looker.

Thank you, Ron.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Clearing my throat.

I've been thinking
about your offer.

And I have to say I can't think of
one single reason not to take it.

That's great!

I'll start drawing up
the paperwork.

I'm sorry, I meant...

because I can think of a lot
of reasons not to take it.

Okay, wow, that's very
misleading phraseology.

I'm sorry.

It's an amazing offer
and I'm very interested,

but if I'm going
to leave Pawnee...

I need to know it's gonna
be okay without me.

And I won't know until I
finish what I've started.

When do you need
your answer?

Well, the gears
of federal government

grind pretty slowly,
so you have a little time.

But we can't wait forever.
I'll be in touch.

Great. Thank you.

That's not your hand.
Here it is.

Sorry, my depth perception
is totally screwed up.

Really happy that worked
out for you, Tom,

but you kinda sold
me out back there.

I know, and I'm sorry.

But Mitch asked me what
I was passionate about,

and honestly I'm never gonna be
passionate about dry cleaning chemicals.

To each his own, I guess.

I know opening a restaurant is
risky, but I can make this work.

I know I can!

Then count me in as the second
investor in Tom's Bistro.

Thanks, man.

I know this is a symbolic gesture,
but my investor floor is $1,000.

So as of now, you
own zero shares.

Cool! Thanks for
clearing that up.

Now go do work, or I will fire you.
I'm not kidding.

Yep!

Oh, look, John.
It's red pine.

They were gonna put
flecked linoleum

over this beautifully
preserved knotty red pine.

Most people in this world,
John, are assholes.

This is the best day I've ever
spent in a government building,

and luckily my son was
here to share it with me.

He now has that satisfied look that
only comes with the pride of labor.

Or he pooped.

Either way, well
done, John.