06x16 - New Slogan

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I don't want
to over-hype this,

but presenting...
Dun-da-da-dah!

the new city of
Pawnee website!

- Totally revamped!
- You can pay parking tickets,

you can apply for a business
license and the best part

is we're going to put up an online poll
so people can pick the new town slogan!

Hey, look a panda!

Yeah, that's just some mascot
thing

that the designer put
up on the front page.

But more importantly, you can now apply
for a utility tax refund... online!

Wait, the panda's
name is Peebo.

Peebo.

Look, you can even play
ping-pong.

- What?
- I want to play!

No, me first! Me first!
That's it. I'm calling it.

Guys, Ben worked really
hard on this, okay?

Let's look at the
online polls.

It's gonna be a cool way to choose
our new town's slogan. Oh!

The panda holds a paddle
with his tail. I want to play!

Congratulations, Ben.

This is truly a fine panda game
you made. Well done.

What else does he do?

I think if you click on the
bamboo, it puts on a top hat.

All: What?

I love you, Ben!

[Triumphant music]

What's wrong with you?

You look like Meryl Streep
at the end of Ironweed.

You wish.

Well, I've been driving
all over Indiana

looking for bands to
play the unity concert.

I got nothing to show for,
except for four car accidents.

All these strangers'
insurance information.

Ooh, I get it, you have car insurance.
Why don't you brag about it?

Hey, you are from
Eagleton, right?

Are there any places out
there I should check out?

I used to go see live
shows at Patterson's.

But I'm boycotting until
the owner apologizes

for what she said to
me at the dog park.

Cool. Anything else?

I hear Cozy's Bar is pretty
packed on Thursdays.

But I've never been because
it's mostly middle-aged women

and I'm allergic
to turkey neck.

Really? That's
the best part.

We should split a
turkey sometime.

Oh, Mr. Larson. Thank you so
much for meeting me here.

Happy to. I was
in the area.

The chance for me to return your binder
full of questions about the job.

I think I answered
all of them.

Thank you. I cannot
wait to check this out.

Now, the reason why I asked
you to meet me here--

More questions about the job.

Oh, yeah. Martha? I'm gonna need
two hours worth of waffles.

Grant Larson has offered
me a chance to oversee

a branch office of the
national park service.

This is like the parks
equivalent of Bruce Springsteen

pulling Courtney
Cox onstage.

I mean, one minute you're just
a regular girl in the crowd,

and the next minute you're dancing 10
feet away from freakin' Max Weinberg!

Okay, my fortieth and
eighteenth from last question

is about the Heartland Exotic
Plant Management Project.

Now, were would I be actually
doing the physical planting?

Because it is always
been a dream of mine

to plant spotted jewelweed along
the red river bank in Arkansas,

but I'm sure you
hear that a lot.

Well, you wouldn't actually
be planting things.

I mean, you're
overseeing 200 people.

The everyday minutia you
would delegate to staff.

Leslie, your job is more
creative, big picture stuff.

No more boring people
working for you.

Good! I hate paperwork.

I hardly ever do it in my bed
on a Saturday night

while listening to
old spice girls CDs.

Regal Meagle.
My favorite realtor.

- You got some hot properties
to show me? - You know it.

Remember my list of
must-haves: Open kitchen,

fireplace, exposed brick, and you know
I wouldn't kick a skylight out of bed.

I'm opening Pawnee's first authentic
Sinatra style Italian restaurant--

"Tom's Bistro."

I'm kind of like a skinny,
handsome, Indian Mario Batali--

who doesn't know
how to cook.

Before we go, I got you guys a
little something for helping me out.

Oh!

Love it!

A Larry voodoo doll?

Tom, that's so sweet.
Thanks.

Ow! Oh, my gosh!

I didn't even do anything. The
voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.

So it seems like it went
really well, right?

Yeah. Yeah, totally. Grant
is great, the job is great.

- The waffles were great.
- Great.

So we're just about ready to go live
with the slogan poll. You want to see?

Now that Eagleton and
Pawnee have merged,

it is time to pick
a new town slogan.

And a slogan can make a big difference
with tourism in a town's identity.

There is New York,
the city that never sleeps.

And then there is
Glenwater, Florida,

home of America's most
violent Walmart parking lot.

Okay, so people can vote now.

Yeah, see, that's the super
cool thing about this website

is it does all the work for us so we
can just sit back and take it easy.

No. No, we're not
gonna do that.

We're gonna sit forward
and take it hard.

- Um, what? - There's a lot of
nitty-gritty left to do, Ben.

We need to roll up our sleeves,
we need to go door to door,

we need to hand out fliers, and canvass.
You know what we should do?

We should have a press junket,
to publicize the poll.

Okay, I hope you had lunch plans,
'cause now you get to cancel them.

Well, I-I did.

So this was one of Eagleton's
top sushi restaurants.

But you can't out-run the
whale meat police forever.

This is great. I love it!

Look at it, I can
picture it now.

That's where the
politicians will sit,

this is where the connected
guys will bring their goomahs.

- This place is perfect. How much?
- 9,000 a month.

What? That's way more
that I can afford.

Whatever. It's
not that great.

Plus, it's really far away from
work and that'd be annoying.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, when it first launches
I'll go back and forth,

but hopefully it takes off and
it'll become a full-time job.

Come on, I'll show some
places in your price range.

This press junket is a
brilliant idea, isn't it?

Mr. Strange Cameraman
Who I Never Met.

Leslie, I told you, I'm
not gonna participate

in your weird Julia Roberts,
cameraman husband fantasy.

Quiet, cameraman,
Perd's here.

Leslie, your poll is designed
to choose a new slogan.

And a slogan is a series of
words that have a meaning.

[Laughs]

So true, Perd.

All of the choices for the
town slogan are wonderful,

but if I had to
choose my favorite

it would probably be
"Storied past, bright future."

Well, the story of my interest
level is: It's medium.

Joan, this poll is a chance to give our
newly-merged city a new identity--

to really rebrand this town.

Yes, great question. I have been
thinking of rebranding myself.

What do you think about
Juan Callamezzo?

- Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
- No, it means "flower."

I think it means "John."

Crazy Ira and the Douche
from 93.7 FM, the Groove.

Leslie, do you believe
that this new slogan

will integrate Pawnee and
Eagleton into one cohesive city?

Wow, that's a very thoughtful
question, Crazy Ira.

- Yes, yes, I do.
- Follow-up question, Leslie,

show us your boobs!

[Electronic farting noise]

Will this fit on a
bumper sticker?

[Electronic fart]

Gosh, this place is packed. You
folks must really like this guy.

Honey, he is sex
on a stick.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your jazzy hands
together for my man, Mr. Duke Silver!

[Cheer and applause]

A smooth and silky
evening to you all.

On nights like this, when
the cold winds blow,

and the air is awash in the
swirling eddies of our dreams,

come with me and
find safe haven...

in a warm bathtub
full of my jazz.

All: Uh!

[Jazz music]

Well, the good news is
your poll was a big hit.

- Thousands of people voted.
- That's great. What's leading?

- "Storied past, bright future"?
- No.

The current leader is "Pawnee,
welcome to Douche nation."

- What?
- Crazy Ira and the Douche

got their bonehead radio fans to
flood the poll with write-in votes.

Why did we include
a write-in option?

Because every election
has a write-in option.

That's how
democracy works.

I'm not a dictator.
If I we're a dictator,

I would throw the Douche
in prison without a trial.

I would be a very
strong dictator,

and you would be my bodyguard,
and you would lead my army.

Okay, I know we should
figure out how to fix this.

But I'm starting to
get kind of turned on

imagining you as a dictator,
is that bad?

No, it's okay.

You know, we could just figure out a
different strategy for picking a slogan.

You don't have to
go on their show.

No, I want to do this.
I enjoy the challenge.

So, how do I look?

I need these guys to think
that I'm, like, super chill.

- Is this gonna work?
- Oh, what up, Lez?

Backwards hat--shows a real
lack of respect for authority.

I like that.

What's up, little mayor? Are
you gonna freak out again?

So, Leslie,
what's the deal?

Are you just here to
yell at us again?

Yeah, we are in store for
another Leslie Knope nag sesh?

Crazy Ira, do the dishes!

[Laughs]

Classic! No way!
I'm not here to nag, guys.

I'm just psyched to be in the
studio, you know? I'm just...

chillin' in the
studes with my dudes.

If you're really not
really here to nag us,

then maybe you'll help us
with our next segment...

[Echoing]
"Rating celebrities' boobs!"

Perfect.

On a scale, from 1 to
ga-ga-ga-going!

How would you rate
Emma Watson's boobs?

First of all, I would rate
her acting as an "A."

You have three seconds to
answer or we're gonna withdraw

- a donation from charity.
- From charity? Oh.

[Imitating clock]

A minus.

More like double D minus.

[Farting sound]
[Moaning]

Me so horny!

I knew it. I knew it.

- Can I help you?
- Maybe.

I was out at the jazz
club last night--

scouting bands for
the unity concert.

And I saw something
very interesting.

- I am Duke Silver.
- I have a twin brother.

Both: What?

- I have a twin brother.
- You are Duke Silver?

Yes, I am Duke Silver.

[Laughing]

The only other people who
know are Tom and April.

So, please, keep
it to yourself.

Are you kidding me?
You are really good!

You are, like, the saxophone player
for the California-raisins-good.

No joke. You know what?

I'm booking you...
for the unity concert.

Absolutely not. My musical
career is private.

If my secret got out, this office would
be waist-deep in women's undergarments.

No, I'm in charge of booking
the bands for the concert,

and I say, you're in. You're
gonna play right after

Bobby knight ranger. It's
a night ranger cover band

where they only wear read
sweaters. It's gonna be epic!

Final round, Leslie,
boobs or ass?

Hard to believe this is a fan
game for your radio listeners.

Ah... I'm gonna say butt.

Ding, ding, ding!

- Yes!
- You are correct.

This is my mom's dumper!

[Farting sound]

Oh, mommy!

- I don't know how you got yours
hand on that. - I took it.

Good. Well, it is been so fun
bro-ing out with my dogs.

I never knew that objectifying
women could be so much fun.

We're running out of time here so
just a quick reminder to write-in

"Welcome to Douche nation!"

as the official town slogan
for pawneecity. gov.

Or you know what would
also be kind of dope

for the people of
Douche nation to do?

It's vote for another slogan.

Like, you know, "Storied
past, bright future"?

But... I don't care. I
don't give a fart, bros.

You know, just do your
thing, chicken wing.

[Electronic clucking]

Hey, Crazy Ira, have
you seen my stick?

- Where's your stick?
- I don't know.

Lesbo Baggins, you know
where my stick is?

- You--
- Oh! Found my stick.

Oh, where did you find it?

Both: Up Leslie Knope's butt!
[Fog horn blows]

- Yo, where my stick up?
- It's up her butt, papi.

[Farting noise]

Jewish Greg, whatever we're
paying you, it's not enough.

[Boing, belching]

Damn it, I almost
pulled that off.

No, you really didn't.

Just delete the poll.
Let the slogan thing go.

Or, maybe we sneak
back in there--

you distract those guys
for, like, 30, 90 minutes,

I get on live radio, I
give an impassioned speech

about what slogan
I want to endorse

and I play a few songs, which
I always wanted to do,

and then we just see
what happens.

No. I should just let this go.
Okay.

Dude, what are you doing?

That looks like a perfectly
good saxophone case.

Wait a minute. What's
inside that case?

I am ending my secret
musical career.

- I have to k*ll Duke Silver.
- No, come on, man.

- You're really good. You can't quit.
- Sorry, Andrew.

I would rather never play again
than have everyone know my secret.

Good-bye, Duke Silver.

May you rest... in jazz.

So, Tom told you are sort
of like a computer expert.

Uh... yeah.
You can say that.

These jerks are trying
to hijack my online poll,

and so far the leading
town slogan is,

"Home of the stick
up Leslie Knope's butt."

[Snickering] Yeah, yeah.
I voted for that one.

Great. I'm wondering, is there
a way I can communicate

- with everybody who voted?
- Yeah, I can do that.

Should take about two minutes. Just PayPal
me some bitcoins when you get a chance.

What?

So, this is way
under your budget.

Used to be a donut shop. Well,
a tire shop that sold donuts.

Pretty rough. I mean, I guess I could
fix the roof and tear up the counters.

- Do something about the smell.
- This place is creepy.

I mean, I love it, because it
reminds me of the cafeteria

in a haunted nursing home, but...
that's just me.

This is the last listing I have
that isn't an active crime scene.

Hey, man, what happened? I thought
Jurassic Fork was super popular.

We stretched ourselves too thin by
expanding to a second location.

You opened another
dinosaur-themed restaurant?

No, another Steven
Spielberg-themed restaurant.

The German place downtown--
Schindler's Lunch.

I think you may have misunderstood
what people liked about Jurassic Fork.

I actually think the
space is pretty cool.

Obviously, we'd had to
move this T-Rex, but--

No can do. That's a
load-bearing T-Rex.

This is really the last place
you have available?

Dang. Maybe Tom's Bistro
wasn't meant to be.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah, real quick.

Remember when you said you would
close up shop on the slogan thing?

- Yes.
- You did do that, right?

You didn't somehow get the email
addresses for every person

who voted for the "Stick
up the butt" slogan

and then write each of them
a personalized heartfelt email

telling them to do the right thing
and vote for a real slogan?

Are you crazy? What a crazy talk you
just did with your funny words.

Well, someone wrote
those emails.

And we got about 300 complaints
and as a cherry on top

some hackers got really mad
about the invasion of privacy

and att*cked the website.

Look what they did to Peebo.

He's wearing a hat
made of penises.

[Sighs] Oh, boy.

Well, I.T. is fixing the website, but
it will be down for about three days.

Well, no worries, I will handle all
of the overflow work personally.

Parking tickets,
code violations--

- send them all to me.
- What's going on?

[Sighs] I don't know.
I spoke to Grant

about the national parks
job, and he mentioned

that's mostly big picture
planning and delegating,

and not very much nitty-gritty,
hands-on stuff that I love to do.

I would miss that, very much.

I mean, have I really pulled my
last bloated raccoon carcass

from a public fountain?

But that's the whole point of moving up
the ladder, you get to think bigger,

swim in a bigger pond.

You're having a public forum
on the slogan, right?

Use it as a test.

Hand the reins to someone
else, let them handle things

while you manage
from a distance.

Yeah. That's a good idea.

I guess I should practice...

delegating. Ugh! Okay.

The public forum
will be run by...

Oh, no, I would not have
started the sentence

if I knew Larry was
the only one here.

Babe, if you can step back and let Larry
take control, you can survive anything.

All right. Larry, can
you get in here?

I would love to.
Gosh darn it.

I-I somehow ran my belt
through a slat in this chair

so I'm kind of--I'm kind
of stuck to it now.

Great.

You really shouldn't have dug
that out of the dumpster.

I had to. Also I had a banana
on the way over here.

Sorry.

I get why you don't want any
more to know about Duke Silver,

and you don't
have to worry.

You secret is safe with me.

To even it out, I'm gonna
tell you all of my secrets.

Oh, no, that's
not necessary.

I once forgot to brush
my teeth for five weeks.

I didn't actually sell my last car.
I just forgot where I parked it.

I don't know who Al Gore is. And at
this point I'm too afraid to ask.

When they say 2% milk, I don't
know what the other 98% is.

When I was a baby, my head was so big
scientists did experiments on me.

I once threw beer at a swan, and
then it att*cked my niece Rebecca.

That'll do, Andrew.

You don't have to play
the unity concert.

But don't quit music.
Please.

- Tommy.
- Hey.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I just got excited about
the restaurant

but I should probably call my investor
and tell him we have a problem.

Well, I got you something
to cheer you up.

Watch cologne.

Cologne for watches.
Thanks.

Things used to
make me so happy.

But I've grown a lot
in the last year.

Now I just want
one big thing,

my own restaurant,
named after me,

that makes me so much money
I can buy anything I want.

I should go.

I didn't want Tom to leave,

so I said all these bad things about the
restaurant, so he wouldn't like them.

Damn, we should
have coordinated.

I don't want to lose that
weird little elf either.

That's why I showed him
all those crappy places.

Oh, I thought you were
just bad at your job.

Sorry. What should we do?

Let me call some people.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to a public
forum to choose our new town slogan.

I'm gonna hand things over
to Larry Gengurch,

who is 100% in charge.

Well, let's just
get started, huh?

I want to talk about-- Oh,
it's the-- geez Louise--

This keeps happening.
I don't know why.

I think the slogan should be
"Pawnee, home of crackers,

the orangest goldfish
in Indiana."

- Okey-dokey.
- No.

Let me write it down.

- Who even needs a slogan?
- Well, now, that is an interesting point.

No, that's my slogan idea.
"Who even needs a slogan?"

And then a big picture of me
flipping everybody off.

Let's keep our eye on the
ball here, Douche nation,

"Home of the stick up
Leslie Knope's butt."

Butt stick!

All: Butt stick! Butt stick!

Let's vote on it right now!

All: Butt stick!
Butt stick!

Okay. Who's next?
Yes, ma'am.

This slogan is gonna go
on every sign in town.

I think it should be something
real that we can all be proud of.

I've lived in Pawnee
my whole life

and it could be a strange place, but
overall it's a warm, and wonderful town.

My idea for a slogan is, "When
you're here, then you're home."

Well, that's lovely.

I actually had it printed up so we
can see what it would look like.

Oh, you-- Hm--there's--
that's--that's spelled wrong.

That should be "then",
t-h-e-n.

Stay strong.
Let them work it out.

- And trust Larry.
- Trust Larry?

- Are you listening to yourself?
- I like that slogan a lot.

But you made a little
mistake there.

[Murmuring]

- You see?
- Back off.

"You're" is spelled wrong.

It should be "y-o-u-r."

- Oops, I didn't catch it. Thank you.
- No, no, no, she made a possessive.

- She's getting further away.
- It's okay. - Okay, let's vote.

All those in favor.

Approved!

[Applause]

Man, the places that came
on the market today

are way nicer than the
listings we saw yesterday.

I know, crazy, right?
Real estate.

This property is
under your budget,

and it's got everything on
this wish list you gave me.

- Except the two helipads.
- Does it have one helipad?

I don't know. I like it, but...
seems a little small.

No, I think it just seems small
because of all the heavy furniture.

But that part is really great.
The lighting is really cool.

I think this is the one.

You know, I think you're right.
I'll do it.

Thanks, April. And, hey, bonus,
it's pretty close to city hall.

You guys are gonna be regulars.
I'll keep a table open for you.

And special thanks
to Leslie Knope

for once again bringing about
positive change to this town.

Pawnee, I present to you,
your new slogan.

[Soft applauses]

You fixed the mistakes.

I held it together for the entire meeting.
Let me have this one.

I'm done micromanaging.
I promise.

Then I'm sure you are okay with the
fact that they installed the sign

the wrong way and it's welcoming
you to Pawnee as you're leaving.

What?

No! Oh, son of a--

- Hey, you passed the test.
- [Sighs]

Honestly, there's something
else I'm worried about.

The kind of work that I've
been doing all these years,

the nuts and bolts, the grunt work,
that's the stuff I know how to do.

What if I take this national
parks jobs and I just... fail?

- Hm.
- What if I'm not good at it?

Yeah. Leslie, I love
you, very much.

But this is the stupidest
thing you've ever said.

You'd be amazing. And everyone's gonna
be in awe of how amazing you are,

- so just shut your month.
- [Laughs]

Hey, are we leaving or entering? We've
been driving around in circles.

You're--