06x17 - Galentine's Day

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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06x17 - Galentine's Day

Post by bunniefuu »

Aw, babe, you've gone crazy.

The only thing I am crazy
about is a magnificent,

pregnant manta ray
named Ann Perkins.

I am ranking topics of conversation
for our next phone call.

The worst part about
your best friend

living in another stupid state
is the topics really pile up.

What do you think
should be higher priority?

Infinity scarves or whether or not
it's worth it for me to get Showtime?

Is this really necessary?

When she moved, we
promised each other

that we would talk every day,
and we've really fallen behind.

I know your female friends are
very important to you, but

I'm always a good
sounding board.

I mean, I can talk about

Sandra Bullock skirt length.

No, no, babe, you can't--you
would just embarrass yourself.

Plus, every time I
start talking to you,

five seconds later, I
want to jump your bones.

- Oh, let's do that instead.
- See, that's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah, okay, let's do this. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On to the unity concert.

Ben is meeting with the tent
people to finalize those deals.

April and Donna will be helping me
with the vendor location charts,

and I will be meeting with the
surveyors about the concert grounds.

I would like to volunteer to
do the park survey myself.

Wow, Ron.

I always knew there would be a day
when I would get through to you

and you would love
government work.

Today is that historic day.

Yes. That is what
has happened.

Spending the day outside
alone sounds like a dream.

I love being a father, but
there are a few things I miss.

Silence, the
absence of noise,

one single moment
undisturbed by the sounds

of a children's TV program
called Doc McStuffins.

There is no quiet anymore.

There is only
Doc McStuffins.

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, Andy, why don't you go
with Ron and help him?

- I really don't need--
- Shotgun!

I call shotgun. Where are we
going? Doesn't matter. Shotgun.

Shotgun on all rides
for the rest of the day.

For the rest of my life.
In any car! Ha ha!

I just faced you suckers!

So I'll see you in the
parking lot, Ron. Later!

Is the tent guy left-handed
or right-handed?

I just need to know which way to part
my hair to get us a better price.

It's a business theory
I'm working on.

I really don't think it matters.
Pretty straightforward deal.

A straightforward deal?
Why didn't you tell me?

I don't have my straightforward
deal fedora on me.

We gotta stop by my storage
unit on the way up.

Hey, Larry. Hey, you wanna come with
us to tent world? Little road trip?

Tent world? Yeah, let
me grab my lunch.

No. Why'd you invite Larry?

He's been doing all the paperwork
for this deal. He deserves to come.

Remember you said that when
Larry's farting up the car.

Larry isn't that bad.
He's nice.

And frankly, I don't care
who knows that I said that,

as long as no one knows
that I said that.

Okay, ladies, I will be in my
office for one to seven hours

for my weekly chat with Ann.
I brought some fresh snacks.

And I made a backup plan
for the vendor chart

in case, you know,
yours isn't good.

Actually, Ann called while
you were in the bathroom.

She said something came up,
she'll call you later.

I don't know, I told her
to leave you a voice mail.

Ugh! God, why'd you
let me say all that?

I'm coming, Ann's voice mail!
I'm coming!

Listen to me very carefully.
I have not been taken.

I know that's always your first
fear when I'm not available,

but this is not a Liam
Neeson Taken scenario.

That's exactly what
they'd make you say.

Also, no one's
making me say this.

I am a free woman, untaken,
simply going about my business.

I just have to run. Something came up.
I love you, and I'll call you later.

Donna.

What's good, baby? What's
going down in Donna town?

What's the haps
in Meagle-wood?

I'm listening to
Jaleel Or No Deal.

It's a podcast where the kid
who played Urkel reviews old

Deal Or No Deal episodes.
It's pointless, and I love it.

Okay, don't let me interrupt.

April, what's the
411, little mama?

What's the hot goss? Who you
crushing on these days?

Ew, my husband, weirdo.

Can I get back to work now?
Thanks. Bye.

Work? You can
work whenever.

Except for now, because
now is lady time.

You sound like a
tampon commercial.

I'm setting up an impromptu
Galentine's day.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wait, I thought you weren't
gonna do Galentine's day

this year because that
she-beast moved away.

I believe her
name was Satan?

Her name is Ann,
and she is gone,

and I have accepted it, and we
are gonna have Galentine's day.

Ladies, up front.

I need an Ann who
lives in Pawnee,

and there is no one
obvious candidate,

so I will test them out on the ultimate
b*ttlefield of female friendship--

Galentine's day brunch.

It will be a women's-only marathon bonding
session with tons of whipped cream.

Side note, do not
Google that phrase.

Hey, Ron.

Can I ask you kind of
an important question?

You know, like, when
you go to the ATM

and you get money,
is there an actual guy

standing behind the wall who
slides dollar bills in there?

- No.
- Yeah.

It's robots.

Oh, actually, you know what?
I do have a serious question.

In the movie Predator,

can you rub any kind
of mud on yourself

to prevent predator from seeing you
with his thermal heat signature sight,

or is it more-- Ow!
That sucks.

Are you hurt?

No. All good. All good.

Oops. Except for my mouth.

Oh, whoa.
Five-second rule.

No, ahh.

Come on, we better
get you to a dentist.

Oh, my God, Larry. Your tuna
fish sandwich stunk up my suit.

- Gayle made it for me.
- Irrelevant.

You know what? Stay out here and
double-check these deal memos.

If you get through 'em, triple-check 'em.
Just don't come inside.

Sounds good. I will finish my
sandwich and enjoy the view.

Hey, Harvey. Ben Wyatt.
We spoke on the phone.

Yeah. Yeah, we
sure did. Okay.

- Who's this little genie right here?
- Tom Haverford, Pawnee business liaison.

Okay.

Got your contracts
for you right here.

Wow. It's a lot thicker than
the original one-page version.

I take tents pretty seriously,
Ben, I'm a tent guy.

I got over 1,300 tents
in this warehouse alone.

900 of those are over 2,000 square
feet, 80 of 'em are striped,

and exactly 4 of 'em were once
rented by Miss Rene Russo.

- Whoa!
- Yeah. No doy.

I think I know
what I'm doing.

So I added a few
syllables and whatnot.

Clauses, et cetera.
Addendums, what have you.

Why don't we go ahead
and sign that for me?

Yeah, I think we're gonna
need to take a look at this.

Hmm. So I guess this is not
a straightforward deal.

Shauna, I'm so glad you could
make it. You're so tan.

Oh, thanks. I just got back
from a solo trip to Rome.

I was gonna go with my
boyfriend, but he couldn't come

because he decided
to stay with his wife.

Oof.

I love Rome. It's
such a great place.

Rome's played out. Have
y'all been to Kuala Lumpur?

- When did you go to Asia?
- I go all the time.

Where do you think I got that crystal
Buddha head above my jacuzzi?

You have a jacuzzi?
Good to know.

Prospects for new
Pawnee best friend.

Donna Meagle. Confident,
worldly, we go way back.

April Ludgate. Vivid
imagination, young, and vibrant.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep. Pretty, fragile,
makes terrible life decisions.

A real fixer-upper, but look, it's not
like Ann was doing so hot when I met her.

Ethel Beavers. Bit of a dark horse.
Crotchety, but probably wise.

And then we got
Evelyn, aka fake Ann.

I don't know her last name.
Honestly we just needed bodies.

Thank you, everyone, for getting
together on such short notice,

and happy Galentine's day.

Now, this is not technically
the right date,

but any time a group of women
get together for brunch,

we embody the spirit
of the holiday.

Today we will celebrate friendship,
spend a few hours together,

and answer a couple of
questions I've compiled.

Just for fun.
Nothing serious.

But please answer them
with complete honesty

'cause I'll be able to
tell if you're lying.

- To girlfriends!
- Yay.

- Girlfriends.
- Whoo-hoo!

Okay, it's time for a
little Galentine's day Q&A.

Donna, you pick first.

"What is your
favorite TV show?"

Well, for live tweeting,
it's Scandal.

For binge watching,
it's Scandal.

But for fashion,
it's actually Scandal.

- My answer is Scandal.
- Hmm. April?

Ooh, I love watching Russian
traffic accidents on YouTube

while I play children's
music at the wrong RPM.

I like beauty pageants. Everyone
is so happy and perfect.

I like Diagnosis m*rder.
And skin flicks.

Can anybody top me off?

The correct answer for favorite
TV show is Friday Night Lights.

- The correct answer?
- Next question.

Okay, this contract is insane.

It costs extra to have
people inside the tents?

- And what's a flap tax?
- Well, you need flaps, bro.

A tent without flaps
is basically a parachute.

An unfolding charge?

A noise damage waiver?
How can noise damage tents?

Shh. Keep your voice down,
please, there's tents here.

Now, look, you can argue
with me all you want,

but for every line item that
you two idiots disagree with,

there's gonna be a $50 discussion
surcharge. What are we up to, doll?

- $400.
- A discussion surcharge? That's nuts.

- $450.
- That's it. Deal's off.

We'll take our
business elsewhere.

Suit yourself, gentlemen.
Sorry we couldn't make a deal.

Wait, wait. Let me
try one more thing.

What's the price now?

$80 more. I liked it
better the other way.

Does have an
effect, though.

The receptionist says she'll fit you
in as soon as there's an opening.

If you're all right, I'm
gonna head back to the park.

Wait, wait, wait,
real quick, real quick.

Do you know what my social
security number is?

Or if I'm allergic
to anything?

I don't like corn.
Should I put that down?

Or will that be confusing?
Because I do like candy corn.

Oh, Ron. What a mess.

Here, let me help you.

All I wanted was two hours where I
got to forget that I was a parent.

Ron, look. I found all
three differences.

Those are two completely
different pictures.

- "Ladies' choice."
- Ooh! Wild card option.

Okay, anybody reveal anything about
their life, anything at all.

I've gotten two annulments.

One for pleasure, and one to cap off a long
con I was running against Keith Sweat.

Wow. Ethel, have you-- Okay,
Ethel's asleep. Shauna?

I'm writing a memoir
based on my blog.

It's called Tweeping
Up Appearances,

and it's about my journey to find
happiness by smiling through the pain.

Okay, I can
work with that.

Knope, what you got
going on in that notebook?

Just jotting down memories
in my trusty old journal.

"Friendship rankings."
What's that?

It's not what
it sounds like.

It's simply a way for me to figure
out which one of you is the best.

- That's messed up. - Yeah, that is
really lame, and I'm leaving.

- You're better than that, Knope.
- Donna, why are you angry?

- You were in first place.
- Bye, everyone. This was a really...

- brunch.
- Leave the bag.

If you do this again next
year, don't call me.

Well, by default, it's Shauna.

That's how you want to find
your new best friend, right?

By default?

My pores are clogged up from
being in that dusty warehouse.

I'm gonna check if this gas
station has some biore strips.

Aw, thanks, Larry,
that's nice of you.

Gayle always has me
do the windshield.

She likes to stand
behind me and watch.

According to her,
it's the best view.

- How is Gayle?
- Oh, wonderful.

- And the girls?
- They're good.

- Why do you want to know?
- I'm genuinely interested.

I'm sorry. I'm just not used to people
from the office asking me things.

It's kind of scary. But
in a good way, though.

Aw, man, did I
miss a Larry fart?

Oh, no, uh, we were just--

Yeah, Tom. Yeah, I-I really
ripped one. Didn't I, Ben?

Yeah. Yeah, it was loud.

Smells like a hippopotamus
took a dump on a skunk.

It's in your best interest.

Well, the numbers don't lie.
I'm a goofus, not a gallant.

Been here forever.

Can we go?

Don't you want
to get your tooth fixed?

I don't know, I think my tooth
looks fine just like this.

Well, my grandmother was
missing that tooth,

and she was the most beautiful
woman on her oil rig.

You are an adult.
I am not your dad.

- If you want to go, we can go.
- Yay. Thanks, Ron.

That's why you know even
though you're not my dad,

you're like an old
brother to me.

Like a cool uncle, but old.
Like a grandpa.

But cool like a son.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

No problem. That'll
be $8, please.

What, you're charging us for coffee?
What kind of a business-- uh-oh.

Oh, hello, gentlemen.

Gotta be kidding me.
You own this place too?

That's right, dickweed.
You wanna talk deal?

Because my prices have gone up ever
so slightly since I saw you last.

No, we're not giving in
to your crazy demands.

There are plenty of other tent rental
places within driving distance.

Yeah, I'm calling
Tent Emporium right now.

Tent Emporium. How can
I help you, buttface?

- What?
- Come on.


Yes. I own every tent store
in Southern Indiana.

Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents,
the Tent Offensive,

and Ace Tentura
Tent Detective.

I also own a
chick-fil-a franchise,

but that's not doing
so hot right now. Whatever.

Let's get outta here.

You've reached the Tentagon.
How can I help you, buttface?

Okay, here's an idea. Why
don't we find something,

anything, no matter how small,
that we have in common?

- For example, I'm an only child.
- Me too.

Although, when I was in college I found
out that my dad had a second family.

Well, we were the second
family, technically.

Okay, well, we both
went to college.

- There's that.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Ann had her baby! Wow,
this has been fun.

The bill is already paid.

May I gently suggest that you
check out Chris Traeger's

wonderful therapist
Dr. Richard Nygard.

Although there is a tiny part
of me that always thought

it was just Chris
talking into a mirror.

Anyway, maybe you
should look him up.

I don't know, I
read a book once

that said a woman should
never make the first move.

That doesn't apply to therapy.
Okay. Good luck!

Oliver Perkins-Traeger,
meet your Aunt Leslie.

Hey! Oh, he's so beautiful.
And you're so beautiful.

I mean, you're always beautiful, but
right now you are the most beautiful,

glowing sun goddess ever.

Why didn't you tell me
you were in labor?

Well, 'cause I knew you'd drop
everything and rush here,

and contractions can sometimes
go for days. Thank you.

So I didn't want you to be
stuck waiting around.

Well, I'm glad I'm here now.
Where's Chris?

Oh, he was such a good coach
that the nurses asked him

to help out with a
delivery down the hall.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow!

Andrew, you need to
get your tooth fixed.

No way. I'm not going back there. I
already won all the magazine mazes.

Don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

Ow!

If you don't take care
of the problem now,

it's only gonna get worse. Come on.
I'll drive you back.

Fine. Let me just wolf down
this peanut brittle real quick.

Why would you do that?

Oh, right.
'Cause calories.

We're dead. The only tent store this
guy doesn't own is 300 miles away.

Oh, hang on. Here's a
place that might work.

It's called Sweaty
Roger's Pants Tent.

Oh, no, you can't
rent tents there.

Hey, guys.

Look, I was double-checking all
the paperwork that Tom gave me

in that super fun
parking lot,

and there was something about Harvey's
corporate structure that just seemed fishy.

So I dug around--

and it turns out he has got
a lot of code violations.

Whoa! Larry, this
is great stuff.

Never thought I
would say it, but

I'm a genius for making you stay
outside and do a menial task.

Couldn't agree more.
You did it, Tom.

Mm, I don't want
to drive back.

I miss you so much.

No one even comes
close to you as a friend.

I even tried to rank
the women at work,

- but that was a total bust.
- You ranked them?

Well, I thought maybe I could use
Galentine's day as an opportunity--

Leslie, Galentine's day?

What do you want
me to do, Ann?

I need to find a replacement,
and don't worry, it didn't work.

Nobody can match your
ethnic hybrid energy.

Everybody brings their own
unique strengths to the table.

Some that even
I don't have.

You shut your mouth. You
have all the strengths.

Look, you love harder than anyone
I know. It's tough to match.

And I know Donna and
April don't show it,

but they would do
anything for you.

And it's not like you and I
always see eye to eye. I mean,

Friday Night Lights?

I am more of a Riggins girl,
and you lean Saracen.

- Yeah, 'cause Riggins is a criminal.
- He took the fall for his brother.

Okay, he didn't watch
out for his brother.

You know, I'm not having this
conversation with you again.

That family is garbage.

The point is we didn't always like the
same stuff when we first became friends.

Just don't force it.
Give it some time.

I know, you're right, Ann.
Thank you.

It's just I'm missing you, and there's so
much stuff I want to talk to you about.

Well, you're here
now, so let's talk.

Oh.

I think Oliver has more
pressing business.

Okay, but we should talk soon, 'cause I
almost bought a toe ring the other day.

What? Ann, you're
somebody's mother.

- I know.
- Okay.

I'm gonna give you
two some time.

I'll call you from the car.

I'll be out here
if you need me.

Thanks for doing this, Ron.

When it's all said and done, there
were a few mazes I'd cheated on.

Also, the inside of my
mouth is black and hot.

So do I strip down to my
underwear, or all the way naked?

Hello, Diane.

I'm coming home soon to relieve
you, give you a little break.

It's no trouble at all.

I'm a parent. I'm
always on duty.

What flavor ice cream would
you and the children like?

I'm getting some for a
30-year-old who works for me,

so I can bring some
home for you too.

Hello, Harvey.

We found a glaring number of code
violations you've committed.

I could see to it that you never rent
another tent in this region again.

Gentlemen, I've won two online
satellite Jamaican poker tournaments.

I can tell that
you're bluffing.

Your Pawnee business
license has lapsed,

which negates most of the
deals you've made this year.

I'm guessing you're
pretty bad at poker.

I am. And I was bluffing about
winning those tournaments.

Gentlemen, clearly there's been
a misunderstanding here.

I'm hoping that we can reach
some kind of a compromise.

Yeah, first off, I need to know where
you got these zebra-print pillows.

Second of all, I got
a Tin Cup Blu-Ray

- itching for a Rene Russo signature.
- Tom.

The compromise is that you're gonna sign
the deal we originally agreed upon.

We're going to let you
continue renting tents,

and you're going to do it
at a fair price.

And Larry, he's the guy
that brought you down,

and he's gonna be
watching you like a hawk.

Oh, hey. I'm Larry. Great to
know you. I love tent world.

God! Can you just be
cool for one second?

Okay, black coffee
with extra grounds.

Gross. For April. And a mocha
ice blended for Donna.

Guys, I totally blew it.

I was all screwed up,
and I'm really sorry.

You're wonderful
friends, and I love you.

We love your crazy
ass too, Knope.

I think you're fine.
Like a solid B-minus.

Great. I'll take it.

We know you've been
missing Ann, so we...

got you this.

Press the paw.

Hi, Leslie. It's Ann.

I love you, and
everything's gonna be okay.

It's cute, right?

I'm very lucky
to have you both.

You know, when Ann
and I used to fight,

we would make up with
a five-minute hug.

Mm, you touch me
and I s*ab the bunny.

Yeah, it's about time for my mid-morning
mani, so I'm gonna head out.

Okay. Well, that's fine.

Well, you know, we'll forge
our own unique traditions

in the fiery cauldron
of female friendship.

I'm just an impartial bunny,
but I think Ann sucks.

Also-- I'm the
zodiac k*ller.

And we might even be able
to pull it off under budget.

Sorry. Sorry, you
guys, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to find my inhaler,
'cause I'm having a little...

Take your time. I mean, it's not like
we're trying to get work done here.

Yeah, and Larry, by the way,
you're looking in the wrong spot.

Your inhaler is hidden under the pile of
pistachio shells on my desk, obviously.

Okay, well, that's funny, 'cause I'm
terribly allergic to pistachios.

Classic.

Okay, you know what?
I need to say something.

I like Larry.

He is a good friend
and a fine man

with an inexplicably
gorgeous wife--

I mean, to the point where
it makes no sense at all.

Sorry. Getting off track.

He is a nice person,

and we should all stand
up and say, "I...

like..."

Ben! No! What
are you doing?

Uh, he's embarrassing himself
and throwing away his career.

- Sweetheart, stop.
- O, captain, my captain.

- What is happening?
- Larry is my friend.

Thank you, Ben.

I mean that. Oh!

Got so startled I tooted.

- Come on, man.
- Oh... - Gross!
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