06x19 - Flu Season 2

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'd have to check but I'm pretty
sure we can handle that. I do have...

one question.

- Hold up.
- Oh my God!

Andy!

- Sorry. - Andy! Are
you getting sick?

It's flu season again!
I cannot get sick.

Stock up on kleenex. Don't touch your face.
Don't touch anything.

People are dropping
like flies.

We already had to
quarantine Larry.

Leslie, I don't feel good.
Can't I just work from home?

The tent is your home now, Larry.
We already forwarded your mail.

Oh, well, here's something that's
gonna make you feel really good.

Guess who I just secured as the
headliner for the unity concert.

Chipp McCapp.

- No!
- Yes!

Nice! Wait, no. I don't
want to touch your hand.

Chipp McCapp is
the most amazing

17-year-old country singer
in the entire world.

- He's, like, Indiana's sweetheart.
- We are huge "Chipp Monks."

That's what his fans call themselves.
I don't know why. "Chipmunks."

- Because of the animal? No, that's too
simple. - Yeah, okay, his latest song,

"Beautiful like my mom
(Support the troops)",

has, like, 2 million
hits on YouTube.

♪ Well, she don't care
about no fancy trends ♪

♪ She's just a mom
from old south bend ♪

Get home safe, boys.

And thank you for
protecting our freedom.

- Let's play it again.
- Play it again.

Today at a local vineyard,
a bunch of sommeliers--

aka, wine experts--

are going to be competing
for their certification.

I'm gonna hire the best one at my
new restaurant... Tom's Bistro.

People that convince other people to
buy expensive stuff they don't need--

those are the real heroes.

Donna, April, wine country
train is leaving the station.

- You ready?
- I want to come.

I love wine and everything about
it-- the soil, the vines.

I studied Botany for three
years at Purdue University.

Go, boilermakers!

There will be alcohol there,
so I will go as well.

Well, maybe I'll tag along. I
don't have any more work to do.

- Maybe it'll be relaxing.
- I didn't invite any of you.

I started with two cool people; I
ended up with a bunch of grandpas.

Listen, grandpas,

when we get to the vineyard, there's
gonna be a lot of fancy people there.

Please, I beg you--
don't embarrass me.

- How would we embarrass you?
- You're already doing it.

I begged you.

I guess now that we got Chipp
McCapp as our headliner,

I can get rid of my
awesome wish list.

Yeah, those are long sh*ts.
"Bob Dylan's friends"?

Well, I just thought maybe they
could get Bob Dylan to come.

Land Ho. God, I love them.
Everybody does.

But there's no way they're
getting back together.

Their lead singer split
ten years ago.

He titled their last album
We'll Never Reunite.

- Leslie... - No! Back
in your tent, sicky!

I'm sorry, but Chipp McCapp's
manager called. He has to drop out.

No!

Okay, we need all
hands on deck.

But there are no hands to be on deck,
because everybody's at the winery.

Okay, Andy, you and I
need to handle this.

We need to be operating
at maximum capa--

Oh, no.

- Damn it, Larry!
- Sorry.

Xander, my man-der.

Tom Haverford, owner, operator, and
global ambassador for Tom's Bistro,

opening this
spring in Pawnee.

- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Damn. Look at that tie dimple.

Respect.

My main target
for Tom's Bistro:

Xander Truffant.

He's the best young
somm in the game.

I don't say this lightly--

he's basically the Bruno Mars of
Indiana amateur wine tasting.

If you'll excuse me, I must prepare
for the tasting competition.

I pour saline water
through my nose

to clear the mucous
from my smell-centers.

That is the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

Aw, man. It costs $200
to get certified.

I wanted to make fun of stupid
people while I get drunk,

my two true passions.

You want to futz with these fools?
I will bankroll you.

- Really?
- Oh, hell yeah, pimp.

- Sounds like fun.
- Thank you.

April Ludgate,
professional drinker.

Where did you study,
Ms. Ludgate?

The Wine... Academy.

The Wine Academy?

- In Bordeaux?
- Yes.

Carol, make sure
she's in group "A."

Oh, excuse me.
I want in too.

I know I don't look the part, but I know
everything about wine, and I will prove it.

My name is Craig Middlebrooks, and
this is my debit rewards card.

Well, why wouldn't you
run this by me first, dad?

Whatever.

Sorry. Just weird
family business.

Sounds private. No need
to discuss it with me.

My parents had this small little
vacation house on Lake Hubbard,

and now they've sold it without
telling the rest of us.

Did you not hear me say there was
no need to discuss it with me?

My dad sent me this check out of the
blue-- my share of the profits.

It's so disrespectful
to the family structure.

Maybe a drink will help.

Put some alcohol in your mouth to
block the words from coming out.

Some of our blueberry wine? We make
it right here at the vineyard.

I don't drink alcohol from that
portion of the color spectrum.

Hey! Whew!

Whoa. That's strong.

Holy hell. That's
a lot of alcohol.

We will take four bottles,
please and thank you.

All we need to do is
go to Indianapolis,

convince Chipp to
do the festival,

and then, you know, head home.

Are you sure you're feeling
up for this, boss?

I'm fine. I've had the flu
before, and I worked through it.

Okay, well, if you do collapse,
luckily I know first aid. Or karate.

- That's not first aid.
- It is if you do it right.

Heimlich!

Well, I guess while you
get your medicine,

I'll just stroll through the
candy aisles but won't get any.

- You can buy two candies.
- Two!

- Can I help you?
- I have the flu.

Super nauseated for a few days, a lot
of barfing. It's a total disaster.

Plus I have a ton of work to
do, so I need the good stuff,

the "Mariah needs to
sing tonight" stuff.

You don't look flushed,
no signs of fever.

- That doesn't seem like the flu.
- It's the flu.

I mean, I don't think
it could be anything...

This counts as one.

So mad at my parents.

I mean, they both wanted the
house for Columbus Day weekend,

and they fought so much that
they decided to just sell it

- to spite each other--
- More wine, less talking.

You know, you are
a wonderful guy,

and I admire many
things about you,

but you're a terrible person to
discuss personal problems with.

Thank you, friend.

That really means
a lot to me.

Pumpkin, undertones
of lavender.

Medium-plus body.
It's mostly pumpkin.

There's so much pumpkin, it's like
a Charlie Brown Halloween special.

I'm getting notes
of dried robin's blood,

old dirty cashews, and just a
hint of a robot's bathwater.

An old-world wine, Italian.
Ah.

It's a Verdicchio Doc classico,
2010.

It's new world, Northern
California, Napa Valley,

someplace beautiful
and warm and amazing

where everyone is in great shape and
the night sky is full of stars!

This comes from...
your mother's butt.

♪ Enlist in Vietnam ♪

♪ Ain't no woman in the world ♪

♪ As beautiful like my mom ♪

♪ America ♪

Man, you were in the
bathroom forever.

The receptionist said that Chipp
will be out in just a second.

Uh, I just need a minute. I'm
going to call Ben about nothing.

My parents make me
so mad sometimes.

Just like the time they couldn't
decide who gets the dog,

so they just dropped it
off at a local synagogue.

I was like,
"Wh--wh--say what?"

Hold on, Ron. Hold that
thought, just for a sec.

Hey, honey.

Hey. It's your me.

It's wife.

It's Leslie, uh, Knope.

I have very big
news for you.

Oh, my teeth are blue.

- Blueberries are alcohol...
- What?

Are you having a stroke?

And I was just saying to Ron
that my dog's Jewish.

Oh.
Phone water.

Ben?

Hello?

Hello?
Hi.

Leslie? It's dead.

Hello?

You know, Leslie sounded weird.

I don't want to wait for Tom.
I want to walk home.

I'll join you. I'm always
game for a brisk walk.

Also, if I leave you alone,
I'm pretty sure you'll die.

Home is that way.

Watch out for that fence.

Ah, Mr. Haverford, allow me to
introduce Terrence Montreaux.

He is a restaurateur
like yourself.

- You own a restaurant too?
- No, monsieur. I own 12.

I am here to find the best
sommeliers as soon as they are...

how you say, um,
"certified."

- That was my idea.
- That is everyone's idea.

That is why we have this,
how you say... "thing."

Okay, don't act like you
don't know the word "thing."

With a filet mignon,
I'd recommend a red--

something bold and dry,
like David Sedaris.

Perhaps you could recommend
a Riesling instead.

Not if you're eating
steak, you loon!

You know in the movies,
when the cops show up

and find lipstick on a wine
glass next to a dead body?

This is that wine.

♪ I'll bring the girls ♪

♪ You bring the beer ♪

♪ And the troops will
bring the freedom ♪

We're sorry to
interrupt, Chipp, hi.

We just wanted to say we are such big fans.
It's an honor to meet you.

Yeah, well, I'm very blessed.

It's always nice to meet my
amazing fans that keep me going.

You're the real superstars.

Thank you.

Would somebody get me
one of those lunch stacks?

And stack 'em for
me this time.

Cheese on top or
no one gets paid.

You got it, Chipp.

That's my dad. The
guy's such an idiot.

We wanted to talk to you about
the unity concert, in Pawnee.

- Can you do it?
- Yeah... uh, no.

Sorry. I got a previous
engagement. It's a bummer.

Oh.

- Here you go, Chipp. - Look at that.
The cheese is on top...

of turkey, you d*ck.
I want ham.

I'm sorry, son. They
were out of ham.

All right, well, maybe I should
just let mom be manager, then.

Pick 'em up, skip.

Ew. This guy's the worst.

I mean, it sucks that
they didn't have ham,

but you can't treat
your dad like that.

I know, he's a monster.
But we need him.

Your job's not that hard, okay?
Just anticipate my needs.

Anticipatin', Chipp.

Of the 25 entrants today,
only 1 has deemed himself

worthy of a sommelier
certificate.

Oh, my God.
Are you sure?

No way. Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Thank you so
much, everyone.

I think we can agree that
all wine tastes the same,

and if you spend more
than $5 on wine,

you are very stupid.

- Security. - I just want to thank
all the people that got me here:

Norbit, Pluto Nash,
all the klumps.

Congratulations to the next
Indiana master sommelier,

Xander Truffant.

Got to go talk to Xander
before Terrence gets to him.

- Cover me.
- Gotcha.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Mon Dieu!

- Qu'est-ce qui se passe?
- Oh, je suis desolée, monsieur.

Allons-y. Allons-y.

Xander. Look, Tom's Bistro
is going to be the dopest,

quite possibly trillest
restaurant in the area.

What do you say? You
want to work with me?

Thank you, but I've already accepted
an offer from Monsieur Montreaux.

I'll double whatever
he's paying you.

You'll pay me
$500,000 a year?

I will pay you 1/10 of
whatever he's paying you.

Sorry.

Oh, man. This wine bottle
is all out of the wine.

Well, hello, gentlemen.

What brings you out
on this fine evening?

m*therf*cker.

Whoa. Where'd
you come from?

Uh, that's a
complicated question.

All depends on whether your conception
of time is linear or circular.

- What?
- Hello, Ron.

- Ron.
- You know this hobo?

He was my counterpart from the
Eagleton Parks Department.

Dude, are you a ghost?

Am I?

What is happening
right now?

We know that you have
that important other engagement.

Yo, I gots to get that haircut.
Snoop!

It's not just Pawnee that needs you.
It's the entire region.

Permission to speak, son?

Pawnee is kind of the gateway
to that whole region.

They do buy a
lot of albums.

They sure ain't buying toothpaste.
Bunch of dirty Hicks.

What if we fly me
in and out same day

so I wouldn't have to spend
a night in your crap town?

Excuse me. Pawnee is a good town with
good people from all walks of life.

Plus, it is an amazing place to
raise kids and start a family.

You think I care about that?

Look, I can do whatever
I want, all right?

If I want to sh**t a paintball
g*n at my dad, I'm gonna do it.

Good sh*t, son.

- I'm proud of you.
- You're crazy.

This is over, okay?
Pawnee does not need you.

And you should know that when you shook my
hand earlier, there was pee on my palms.

That makes us sound like Hicks.
We're not. Shut up.

Stupid. Okay.
Let's go, Andy.

You know what? That was
awesome. You were great.

I thought you were gonna
punch that kid's lights out.

It was not awesome.
I lost our headliner.

I can't stop throwing up, and
Ben has not called me back yet.

I'm sorry I'm so frazzled. There's just
a lot of things going on right now,

personal things that I
can't talk to you about.

You know, Leslie, sometimes
life throws us crazy curves,

and, yes, this
moment may be

the biggest curve

you've ever had
to deal with,

but just because your
family is getting bigger

does not mean
that you can't handle it.

You and Ben can
handle anything.

Wow.

Andy, thank you. That's exactly
what I needed to hear right now.

God, it's so weird that you know
that I'm pregnant before Ben does--

Pregnant? Holy crap.
Leslie!

- Yeah. Well, what did you think?
- I thought you were getting a dog.

Well, why did you
go like this?

That's the sign for petting a
dog that's sitting on your lap.

But pregnant? Wow.

Oh, that's amazing.

You know, Andy, I think we
need to focus on the fact

that we have lost our headliner.
We are out of options.

It's time for a Hail Mary.

How are we gonna convince
this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Same way I got a perfect
score on the S.A.T.s--

broken Scantron machine.

Okay, wait, Andy, that
is not a good strategy.

Okay, I will give him a brief
explanation about the unity concert,

and you stand by...

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

- Hello?
- Scott Tanner.

It's Scott Tanner.

Hi. My name is Andy.

And this barfing lady
over here is Leslie.

- We just need ten minutes
of your time. - To do what?

To convince you
to reunite Land Ho.

Listen, it means a lot to me
that you guys loved the band,

and I'm gonna tell you
the exact same thing

I've told everyone who's
ever asked us to reunite:

No.

Listen, I know that you and the band
aren't on the best of terms right now.

But bringing people together is exactly
what we want to talk to you about.

- Pull that. Hold it down on
the bottom. - I got it, yeah.

Mr. Ron Dunn,

I have something I'm
very angry about,

but other Ron, he's not helping
me with it. Can you help?

Well, I can tell by the
indigo on your chiclets

that you've been drinking
blueberry wine.

That's a good start.

The Wamapoke called
it mattapiqua.

They believed it had
mystical powers.

Yeah, it also
tastes like jelly.

So what's got your
goat there, friend?

My parents, they had this lake house,
and they sold it without telling me.

And so I was like,
"Why?" You know?

I was like, "God,
you guys!"

Oh, you're hanging on to that
anger for dear life, compadre.

Let's role-play.

Well, good night, everyone. I'm going
to go home and feel totally fine.

Who am I kidding? I'm going to go
home, put on a Macy Gray album,

- and cry in the mirror!
- Why are you bummed?

Are you all blind?

I want that job
at Tom's Bistro.

I've been trying to show you
for the last five hours.

Look, man, you know your stuff,
but you're like a crazy volcano.

You'd have to show me you
can bring it down a notch.

I'll bring it down 1,000
notches if I have to!

This looks like it's gonna
be a great concert.

The band just does
not play anymore.

Well, I understand.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

My stomach is trying
to m*rder me.

Still drunk from last night?
I've been there.

You know, this town
still loves you.

I'm in a band myself
actually-- Mouse Rat--

and we cover about five of your
songs, and they just go nuts.

Really? Which ones?

♪ Catapult me into
the sun and I'll ♪

♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪

Oh, yeah.

Johnny Karate?

I thought you said
your name was Andy.

Well, it is. I'm also a
children's performer.

He played at Joey's
birthday, and he's awesome.

Sing Karate Chop Master.

I'll do it as long as
your dad sings along.

- Let's do it.
- It's easy. You'll pick it up.

♪ Karate chop master ♪

♪ I'm a karate chop master ♪

♪ And I will
karate chop you ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop, chop ♪

♪ Kick, kick, kick,
kick-chop ♪

- Scott, you sing.
- ♪ Chop, chop, kick, kick ♪

♪ Kick-kick, kick-kick,
k-chop ♪

No.

Just listen to me.

♪ Chop and a chop ♪

♪ And a kick and kick
and chop ♪

♪ And a titan throw
and chop and kick-chop ♪

- Now your turn.
- ♪ Chop, chop, kick, kick, chop ♪

Harmonies! Oh, my God!

♪ Chop, chop, kick, kick ♪

♪ Chop-chop, kick ♪

- ♪ And a chop and a kick ♪
- ♪ And a kick and a ♪

No.

No, it's not--you didn't--
I mean, just listen.

Good evening. May I assist
you with a wine tonight?

Yeah, I'm having fish,
so maybe a full-bodied...

red?

You know, sir, you
might want to consider

something white
to go with your fish.

No. Red.

And bring some ice cubes. I
like ice cubes in my red wine.

I'll have a glass of your
most expensive red wine

mixed with a glass of your cheapest
white wine, served in a dog bowl.

Silly straws all
around, please.

I'll be right back with
my recommendations.

Seems to be keeping
it together.

What kind of
monster orders red with fish?

I know they're messing with me, and it's
just a test, but have some decency.

For you, sir, a light, crisp
Pinot with just a hint of lemon

to bring out the
flavors in your fish.

I brought you a
bold Cabernet,

which should still taste okay
when watered down.

And for you, madam, would
you consider this rose?

It's halfway between
red and white.

- Thanks very much.
- Enjoy.

I think I may have found
my new sommelier.

That was so embarrassing!

We'll have to make sure the wine
cellar at Tom's Bistro is soundproof.

Hoy-hay!

Oh!

That was beautiful.

You're surrendering
to the earth mother.

Now stare into the fire and
picture your spirit animal.

I don't know what my
spirit animal is.

Because it doesn't exist, because that's
nonsense, because you're an adult.

Baby snow owl.

He's right.

Our spirit animals connect
us to the natural world.

You need to remain open
to their message.

Watch.

Welcome back, old friend.

Whoa.

If you really want to cleanse
yourself of that anger,

take that check and
send it into the flames

and up into the air
with your screams.

Do not burn that check.
It is money.

No. Ron's right, Ron.

There, there,
baby snow owl.

You're safe now.

This is him right here.

I will also get out here
and walk home.

You sure? This thing runs on
vegetable oil and bat guano.

Actually cleans the
air as it drives.

Quite sure. Thank you.

Hey,

thank you for helping
me with my anger.

You've already emerged
from your cocoon.

Now the question is:

Will you fly?

Yeah, I don't feel any better.
I'm still angry. Damn it.

I don't know why this lake house
thing is driving me so crazy.

I'm sorry we couldn't help you
work through your problems.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got a lady,

two little girls, and an
infant waiting for me.

It's always nice to see the kids
at the end of a long day.

Really puts things
in perspective.

Oh, my God, Ben. I have
so much to tell you.

We got Land Ho to play
the unity concert.

- Whoa. What happened to you?
- It doesn't matter.

I thought I was upset because
my parents are insane.

But Ron kind of just
showed me the real reason.

I have so many childhood memories at that
lake house that, in the back of my mind,

I always pictured taking my
kids-- or taking our kids there.

I want to start
our family.

I mean, I know things are crazy,
but there's no good time,

and I want to do it now.

Well, buddy, I got some
good news for you.