06x20 - One in 8,000

[bunniefuu]

So what do we got so far?
We need big-ticket items.

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers
to send us a signed guitar.

That's great, April.
How'd you do that?

It's a long story, but
the short version is,

I'm currently catfishing
Anthony Kiedis.

We're throwing a charity auction to
raise money for the unity concert,

and we're gonna
need it too,

if I'm gonna perform Islands In the
Stream with a Sacagawea hologram.

Plus, we need lights, generators,
microphones, water, that boring stuff too.

Why don't we put a pin in this?
'Cause we have to do that thing.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay.

- All right, yep.
- Just, like--

Everybody, keep working.
We'll be back.

Andy, hey, you haven't told
anyone about the baby, right?

No, but my brain is about
to explode from stress.

I am not good at
keeping secrets.

That's exactly what I told Kyle when he
told me his wife was cheating on him.

- Andy, come on!
- Ah! See? Oh!

- Not cool, man.
- Not him, not that Kyle.

Okay, we are going to have
a doctor's appointment,

and then after that, we
can probably tell people.

So just hang in
there, please.

I can do this. People do this.
People keep secrets.

My neighbor Eric-- he's
kept a secret for 20 years.

He's in Witness Protection.

Okay.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

I need to ask you for a...

favor.

What? Ron Swanson
asking for help?

Keep your voice
down, woman!

Part of the unity concert is a youth
revue about the history of Pawnee.

They require volunteers,
so I want you

to come with me to
my daughters'...

public elementary school
to help make costumes.

The elementary school.

I'll do you this solid,
but you're gonna have

to keep an eye out
for my ex-boyfriend Joe.

He teaches music at that
school, and he is a nightmare.

- He's my Tammy.
- Your Tammy?

Donna, my two ex-wives are
the worst people in the world.

Tammy two once seduced a coroner
and had me declared legally dead

just so she could get a
discount on a plane ticket.

When I'm with Joe, he turns me into
a person I don't like or recognize.

I go insane.

All I'm asking is for you
to keep him away from me.

I understand this problem well and
agree to this exchange of services.

We need to raise a minimum
of $30,000 from the auction,

or else the concert's
gonna be in trouble.

What else can
we auction off?

What about those fish? Think
they're valuable? Cover me.

Maybe you should start
taking it easy.

You're stressing
out for two now.

Hmm, that's actually a
pretty decent t-shirt idea.

Babe, I cannot slow down. The
concert is in three weeks.

Look, I feel fine, and
if you're worried,

we can just ask Dr.
Saperstein what he thinks.

Someone say "Saperstein"?
Come on, you two.

Let's saddle you up and put
some jelly on the belly.

- He's a little weird.
- Mm-hmm.

- Look at me!
- Jeez.

Okay, here's what's happening--I
want to auction off

a personalized Johnny
Karate song tomorrow,

so I need you to
come to the auction.

Auction? Okay, yeah. Let
me write that down.

Andy, you already have three
Johnny Karate shows tomorrow.

No, not according
to my file here.

Oh, I forgot, other hand.
Crap.

Okay, we need a
better system.

Look, I'll just write down an itinerary
for you, so you can just focus on songs.

Okay, well, you have to
catalog all this stuff.

I mean, this is
hours' worth of work.

- What is that? "Don't tell secret"?
- Oh, no, that's not one.

Andy, if you have a secret,
you have to tell me.

That's the whole point of marriage.
You get twice the secrets.

Dude, it is nothing.
I don't have anything.

I'm not acting weird. You're
acting weird. Excuse me.

I have to get
back to work now.

What are you doing?

I'm getting a picture of you volunteering
at a public elementary school

in case I ever need
to blackmail you.

That's Joe, 12:00.

Donna, how are you?

- It's really nice to see you.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you so much
for helping out.

These kids are so lucky to
have your fashion expertise.

Hello, Joe. My name
is Ron Swanson.

I am Donna's
work-proximity associate.

Oh, my gosh, Donna has
told me so much about you.

It's nice to put a
face to the name.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I gotta get back
to my classroom.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Ron.

And if either of you guys
need anything at all today,

please do not hesitate
to ask, okay?

- I'm onto you, friend.
- What?

Tread lightly.

Okay.

Now, Ben wants
me to slow down,

but I have this huge project coming up,
and slowing down isn't really my jam.

Your body is going
through some changes,

but you're a healthy
gal, right, Leslie?

There is no reason for
you not to be yourself.

I win.

- It wasn't a competition.
- All right.

Let's see what's going
down in baby town.

There's your healthy baby.

Oh, wow.

Oh, and there's
another one.

- The baby has two bodies?
- Twins.

Ben, we're having twins.

No, you're not, 'cause look
who's hiding over here.

Triplets?

- Triplets? - And here's
a fourth. I'm so sorry, no.

It's a little fleck of cream
cheese on the screen.

Just triplets. Wow, you guys
really dodged a b*llet.

Can you imagine raising
four children at one time?

Ha, a nightmare.

Triplets.

Triplets.

I can't believe it. We knocked it
out of the park on the first try.

If we do this right, we can be
parents to 1/3 of the supreme court!

- This is insane.
- This is amazing.

I always knew we were one in a
million, and now we got the proof!

Well, actually,
one in 8,000.

Triplets occur a lot more
frequently than you imagine,

- especially at your age.
- Oh.

Your body is prone to
releasing multiple eggs.

It's what we doctors like to call--
and I don't mean to be insensitive--

a going-out-of-business
sale.

So, doctor, um,
what do we--

like, what do we do?
Like, what do we do?

Um, how do we--
how--how--how--

how--
what do we do?

The first thing you do is,
you forget everything

that I said before
because you, young lady,

need a lot of rest and
especially avoiding stress.

Leslie, I need you to be
Buddha on quaaludes,

and, Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey
in a hammock on the beach.

All right, all right.
All right.

This is insane.
Three kids?

I just multiplied all our future expenses
by three, and you know what happened?

The numbers got
a lot higher.

I think I heard the
computer laugh at me.

And Saperstein
wants us to relax?

Are you ready to go,
my gentle dove?

Oh, I will be there in two
flaps of a butterfly's wing,

and I love you.

We are so f*cking screwed.

Uh-oh.

What did you do now, Joe?

Thank you so much.

We thought we were gonna have to tell
Dylan that his doggie was gone forever.

Oh, my gosh.

Barbara, don't
even mention it.

Look, I hate it when
my students are upset,

so I just went out,
driving around.

I checked a few neighborhood parks.
It took barely six hours.

Oh, how can we
ever repay you?

No need. Would you
like a muffin?

I made them last night.

It's the best muffin
I've ever had.

You're welcome, guys.
You're welcome. Oh.

So whose birthday
is it anyway?

Oh, who knows?

I got so many kids
from different women,

I just get all of their birthdays
out of the way one day a year.

Ladies.

Okay, so when this ends, we have a
half hour to get to the next party.

That gives us 15
minutes of travel time

and 15 minutes for you to take
a wet-nap shower in the car.

- Good, I need one.
- Also, tell me your secret.

Babe, don't make me tell.
I don't wanna break my promise.

Tell me now.

Oh, jeez, this is heavy.
Pardon me.

It's about Larry. He is very sick.
He has some kind of disease.

Oh, so that's why you've
been so nice to him

and let him carry
all your stuff.

Yes, that's the reason.
Good call, babe.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

Poor guy.

Hello, everyone. Thank you all for
coming to this wonderful and calm event.

Our first item up for bid is two all-access
V.I.P. passes to the unity concert.

Let's start the bidding at $40.
Do I hear 40?

Thank you. 40. We can b*at this. 50.
Anyone for 50? $50. Thank you, sir.

Terrific. Any higher? No?

Well, that's fine. We're all
just calm and happy people

enjoying ourselves
together on earth.

Sold for $50.
How magnificent.

Leslie, that's less
than face value.

You need passion,
zeal, showmanship.

I don't have the gavel,
so I'm powerless.

I respect the hierarchy
of the auction!

I think Leslie's
doing a great job.

Thank you, Craig. Hey,
are you doing all right?

- Yeah.
- You want to do some tai chi?

- No, I'm doing really fine.
- Okay.

Leslie is already
the queen of stress,

so I have to be like
her stress shamwow.

I wrap myself around her,
I soak up all of her stress,

and then after the kids are born, someone
can squeeze me out into a bucket.

- Ron!
- Ron!

Ron, play with us!

- Okay.
- Ron, play with us.

Girls, Ron's got
sharp tools now.

- Oh, Ron!
- Ladies.

♪ Eyes are watching,
ears are listening ♪

♪ Lips are closed,
hands are still ♪

♪ Feet are very quiet ♪

♪ You should
really try it, ♪

♪ Listen well, listen well ♪

That was well played.

Children their age respond
positively to melody and rhyme.

They are great girls.

You must feel very lucky
to be their stepdad.

I do, indeed.

If you'll excuse me, Joe,

I have to finish hogging out
the cheeks on these lap joints.

Oh, maybe you could use
this jig I made.

It's just a hardwood clamping block
connected to a small piece of hackberry.

You could use it to locate your
cuts for the inside shoulder...

Without having to
reset the fence.

Exactly.

Muffin?

Thirsty there, big guy?

Well, jeez, yes.
Thank you so much.

Do you remember the time when you
put sleeping pills in my soda?

I fell right over in the
middle of a town hall meeting.

Mm, no. I don't
remember that.

You made a video of it and
showed it at my birthday party.

Yes, it went
over really big.

Well, I'm sorry.

Is there anything I can
do to make it up to you?

That's very sweet. Yeah,
um, I have got an itch

that I have not been
able to get to all day,

and even against the wall,
nothing will do it.

- Would you mind doing that?
- No, not at all.

Just--if you could, like--
okay, go up.

Go up the back.

Hey, Ben. Can I just
please tell just April?

I am hanging on by a
thread over here.

No, just--look, everyone's
healthy and fine,

but it's complicated.
There's a lot going on.

So just don't say anything to anyone
about anything forever, okay?

Andy? You can say "Okay."

Okay. Bye.

I didn't mean
to say "Bye."

Our next item up for bid is the naming
rights for our children's tent,

so let's start the bidding
at $1,000, please.

I'll bid 100 bucks.

1,000?
Anyone want to--

Oh, thank you, madam.

A very wealthy and
elegant-looking woman

with a diamond-encrusted eye
patch just raised her hand.

Don't look at her. She doesn't
like attention, but she's there.

She's real. So
do I hear 2,000?

Ooh, yeah, here we go.

The sheik has thrown
his hat into the ring.

- Well...
- There's no sheik.

It looks like we've got
a real bidding w*r between...

There's no bidding w*r.
No one's talking...

- An elegant--
- 'Cause there's no sheik,

and there's no old lady with a diamond--
what is it, a diamond eye patch?

- 3,000, says the gentleman...
- There's no 3,000.

With the crazy hat and a
monkey on his shoulder.

- It's 100 bucks. It's my bid.
- That is outrageous.

That's the only bid
out there right now.

Naming rights for the kids' tent go to
Jamm Orthodontics for 100 smackers.

Now that is the
steal of the day.

I think it's going great.
You want a head massage?

Okay.

So, um, Andy told me
what's going on.

Really? Oh.

I was trying to
keep it hush-hush.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Well, if you ever need to talk
to anyone, I'm here for you.

Or, like, you know, I'm
here, standing near you.

Well, earlier today, I was
licking icing off of my finger,

and then, boom, I swallow
my wedding ring.

And I wish I could say it
was the first time, but--

Wait, wait, wait. So
you're not, like, dying?

No, no, no, I mean,
can it be painful?

Sure, but the good news is, I've
gotten very good at passing it.

It's just a matter of getting
out the old colander.

Come on, Pearl, jump in.

Don't make me pull the permits
on your rental units.

Hey, all the paperwork on those
buildings are under my dog's name,

so if you got a problem,
take it up with Princess.

Honey, why don't you take a whale-sounds
break, okay? I'll finish this up.

Guys, come on, now. This is signed
by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Just think about all
their great songs,

covering everything from the
culture of Southern California

to drug use in
Southern California.

- I'll bid 30 bucks.
- Okay.

This is easily worth $500.
Come on.

Please, anyone. We're just trying to
raise some money for this concert,

- so no one gets stressed out.
- Fine.

50 and another win
for Old Herman.

Why would you erase
the signatures?

- I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.
- Okay, give it back.

If you want it so
bad, bid on it.

I don't like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
It's not even the original lineup.

Give it back!

- Ben! - It's okay. I'm fine.
Stay relaxed.

Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere.
Call a doctor! No, call a coroner!

It just got insane!

- You have very weak hands.
- Why would you say that?

Just making an observation.

Poor Ben. You know the EMT said
that if flea had sent you his bass,

- you could've lost a thumb.
- I'm totally fine, babe.

Everything is a-okay
coolio beans.

- You want to meditate real quick?
- No, we do not have time.

We have a concert to save.
Excuse me, he's feeling better.

He can go, right, Ann?
Damn it.

I wonder if I'll ever stop
doing that. Come on.

I honestly don't care, but
I'm just gonna say it.

I like Joe.

He's a nice man who's good with kids,
and he seems to be smart and patient.

I know. That's why
he's my Tammy.

I'm a social butterfly. When we're
together, all we do is have sex,

- sit on the couch, eat homemade
pasta, have sex again. - Enough.

He's constantly
being respectful,

wanting to spend time with me,
trying to "connect" with me.

It's a nightmare.
I become boring.

Live your life
how you want,

but don't confuse
drama with happiness.

So I've been talking to Larry,
and he's definitely not dying.

Technically, we're all dying,
unless you choose the right grail.

It's the dusty one.

Andy, I was nice to Larry.

I scratched his back. I had
a conversation with him.

It was horrible. How
can you do that to me?

Fine. I'll tell
you the secret.

- Ben's dog is dying.
- Lie.

Ben is dying--he has the
same disease Larry has.

- Leslie is dying.
- No.

- They're both dying.
- No.

I'm dying.

- Chris and Ann are moving.
- They already moved.

They're moving again
to China... town in France.

- No!
- Okay, fine.

- Do you really want to know?
- Yes.

- Leslie is a spy.
- No.

Tom has something
wrong with his butt.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Did you hear that?
They need an encore.

Honey, they want--the kids
want an encore, I'm sorry.

What song should we do?
You wanna do Toots?

I hope you don't mind,
but I noticed that

your right rear tire
was a little flat,

so I patched it, and I
inflated it for you.

But you're still gonna want to
go to a garage 'cause I don't--

- I like to do things.
- Excuse me.

Museums, opera, nightclubs.

Sometimes I disappear for a day
or two 'cause I'm fly-fishing

or I'm at a Seattle
Sounders game.

I promise not
to cheat on you

if you promise not to try
to pin me down too fast.

I have no problem
with that.

You can take me
to dinner Friday.

I have only one request--

that you wear
that, uh, red thing.

I'll wear that red thing when you
deserve to see me in that red thing.

Gotta go make
some muffins.

Okay, there's still plenty of ways to
raise money for the concert, right?

Maybe we'll win
the lottery.

I mean, hey, you're looking at a woman who
just hit triple cherries in her uterus.

- We're screwed. - No, we're not, we
have three weeks until the concert.

- It'll be fine.
- No, not the concert.

The triple cherries.

I mean, of course it's the most amazing
and wonderful thing to ever happen,

but, okay, I am an accountant, and
I am looking a cold, hard facts.

Raising three kids is
going to cost $2 million.

Babe, our kids will be geniuses.
They'll get scholarships.

Half of my tuition
was paid for

by the Indiana scholarship for
pretty blondes who like to read.

It's now called the Virginia
Woolf prize--different time.

Leslie, I have been trying so
hard not to stress you out,

but we just spent our entire savings
account on a trip to Paris.

What were we thinking? We spent
too much money on macaroons.

- Okay, honey... - Okay, wait,
what's the number for the Louvre?

I mean, maybe I
can get a refund.

We barely looked
at the Mona Lisa.

Honey, can you just
breathe for a second?

Leslie, these numbers are
going to determine everything

for the rest of our lives!

- Breathe. - I mean, maybe we should
move because we could make more money,

or maybe we should stay here because it's
cheaper to live here than in Chicago.

Oh, my God!

I'm shamwowing
all of your stress,

and there's no one here
to wring me out.

- Benjamin Wyatt...
- I don't even know--

The man of my dreams,
the one that I love, shh.

Leslie, we are in trouble here.
We are in real trouble!

- I'm so sorry.
- What?

You just look so crazy
right now, but cute.

You're always stressed out.
How are you calm right now?

Because I realized
something.

Everything that we
have been through--

the harvest festival,
the election, the recall,

the merger, Ann leaving, Larry changing
his name for some stupid reason--

all of it has just been
preparation for this.

I am immune to stress
because I have you.

Come on. I have an idea.

Ron is King Sparkle
of Cupcake Forest.

Much obliged.

So I'm going to dinner
with Joe next week.

Glad to hear it.

It's always nice to see someone
actually change for the better.

Yes, Joe seems
like a good man,

but at this point, I'm
done talking about him.

I was talking about you.

Your family has made you a more
patient and empathetic person.

- You take that back.
- Come on, Swanson.

Did you think even two years ago
you'd be playing matchmaker for me

while wearing a glittery crown?

Now you're a dad. You care a little,
itty bit about your friends.

You're King Sparkle
of Cupcake Forest.

It suits you.

Andy, the camo is not working.
I can see you.

- Damn, really?
- Yes.

Babe, you don't have
to hide from me.

I don't care about the
secret anymore, okay?

I just thought, when we got
married, we would share everything,

but if you really can't tell me or
whatever, it's fine. I trust you.

It's just that it's a
really big secret,

and for once, I wanted
to keep my word.

But screw it.

You're more important
than anything.

- I'm gonna tell you 'cause it's
super juicy-- you ready? - Okay.

Everybody, if you could
gather around...

They're here--don't try to
get it out of me anymore.

The reason I have been acting so weird
is not because I've been waiting

for the results of the
soil samples to come back.

Well, jeez, I've been up all
night trying to make sure--

It doesn't matter, Larry.

It was a pointless ruse
designed to waste time.

The truth is...

I'm pregnant.

Yes, I did it! I
kept a secret.

Congratulations.

I'm sure you will both
raise a wonderful child

with whom I will profoundly
disagree on nearly everything.

Well, actually, and this is
crazy, but it's children, plural.

- We're having triplets, and...
- Shut the--

- Oh, my God!
- A little freaked out about it.

That's amazing. Babe, I am
so glad you didn't tell me.

I know.
I'm incredible.

Okay, now listen
to me, you two.

Gayle and I have kept
everything our girls ever used,

so we have, like, millions of
clothes and strollers and--

- just don't buy a thing, okay?
- A triple crib--

sounds like an interesting
woodworking challenge.

Would you like
oak or pine?

I'll make both,
and you can choose.

My boyf-- my friend Joe has the
hookup at all the good preschools.

Andy and I can
babysit anytime,

except for on
weekends and nights,

but we're free anytime
during work hours.

This is gonna be the
happiest time of your life!

Well, I sold everything on the auction
list, no thanks to you people.

What's so wonderful that you're all
celebrating while I do all the hard work?

We're having triplets.

Oh, great.

First my cousin Winona
gets into a car accident

the night my one-man show
opens, and now this?

Why are my accomplishments
always overshadowed?

Congratulations, I suppose.

- That's nice of him.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll take that.

Yeah.