06x11 - Foot Powder and Five Feet of Vodka

[bunniefuu]

It's called a Christmas tree, Tammy.

Or in Germany, a Tannenbaum.

I know what it's called, Big Sauce.

I just haven't seen one in a long time.

Don't they have
Christmas trees in prison?

No, they kind of frown on joy.

We're glad you're with
us this year, honey.

Hey, since everyone's here,

how about we draw
names for Secret Santa?

Huh. I didn't think
ol' "socks and a candle"

would be kick-starting it this year.

You said you liked them.

And that was my gift to you.

Hey, I got news for you.

This year, I am winning Secret Santa.

Not a competition.

Marjorie's right.

It's an expression of
our love for each other...

that Christy always loses.

Can we at least up the limit?

I mean, $ ?

What am I supposed to
buy y'all, a bag of dirt?

Ooh, bucks, that's
a little steep for me.

No, that's just a ceiling, Tammy.

- You can even make something.
- Like venison stew?

- Sure.
- Ooh! Stew it is.

Oh! Secret, secret!

Lord, I'm getting Bambi
in a bowl for Christmas.

All right, everyone.

Please pick with one hand, eyes closed.

If you choose your own name,

- you must...
- We know the rules, Wendy.

Do we? 'Cause last year you picked

your own name and gave yourself cash.

I know what I like.

Hint... I'd like it again.

Ugh.

You do know whoever you
picked is in the room?

Well, "ugh" isn't always a bad thing.

Ugh, that's a lovely sweater.

Damn it, I wanted
Bonnie. Who's got Bonnie?

Merry Christmas.

Any chance we could, uh,
the venison stew?

Oh, sure. Where do you stand on elk?

CHRISTY: Hey. Hey, hey.
No requests.

The point is to use your imagination

and think about the dear
friend you're buying a gift for.

Ugh.

Son of a bitch.

There's the Plunkett Christmas spirit.

I'm in Secret Santa hell.

- Who'd you get?
- I'm not telling.

Look at me.

Wendy.

How do you do that?

That brief alien abduction
left me with some powers.

It's embarrassing.

We've been friends with Wendy for years

and I only know three things about her.

She's a nurse, she's five foot three...

Two things.

Not to rub it in, but I got blessed

by the Secret Santa gods.

You got Marjorie?

- Can we trade?
- No way.

In fact...

"Cat pillow.

"Add to cart...

Confirm." Ah, she'll be here Tuesday.

No, you tell the driver
it was supposed to be

three cases of tequila, not six.

That's more than enough.

Morning.

Amazing. I hear the word "tequila"

and I immediately want chips and salsa

and to take my clothes off.

I hear "tequila" and I want heroin.

Isn't it funny how our brains work?

Oh, just a heads-up, I
got to get a deposit check

to the wedding band

Yeah, well, you know where the book is.

You sign my name better
than I do, anyway.

Yeah, but I feel dirty
when I don't ask first.

Not really.

All right, I'm out.

Okay, honey. Go get people drunk.

And you continue to be
strangely cool with that.

Hey. Real quick, Christy
and I were talking.

Do you want to go out for Christmas Eve

or do you want to do
it here family style?

Oh, yeah. About that...

Tell me you're not
working Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry, it's a big night for bars.

People are depressed 'cause
they don't have families.

Others are depressed 'cause they do.

Plus, the Raiders are on
and that'll depress everyone.

But you're welcome to
join in on the festivities.

Great, so my choices are

spend Christmas Eve
with my kid or in a bar.

Nothing ever changes.

You got your parole officer
a Christmas present?

Oh, yeah. Juan's been great.

I got him a bottle of aftershave.

Eight bucks and it
comes with foot powder.

Okay, let's get started.

That's not Juan.

Which one of you is Tammy?

- Me.
- And who are you?

I'm her ride; Juan's
cool with me hanging out.

Juan's been reassigned.

And I'm not cool.

Wait, Juan's out?

And this is how I'm hearing about it?

That's a kick in the lady pants.

I'm Eve Ferguson, I'm
in charge of your case.

- You can wait in the hallway.
- Oh. Okay.

Guess you're on your own.

- I'll be close.
- O-Okay.

- What is that?
- Oh, just some aftershave for Juan.

Which you are very welcome to have.

For your fella.

Or your lady.

Or yourself if you like
to smell like the sea.

- It comes with foot powder...
- Stop talking.

Okay, I see you have a place to live

and you're in a -step program.

I don't see a job here. You working?

- Uh, well, I...
- Handyman. The bathroom's this way?

Yeah, I've done some handyman jobs.

Uh, I don't see any pay stubs.

I No, it's more of a barter situation.

Trading the work for food or rent.

I did some plumbing for
Bonnie's fiancé at his bar.

He's in a wheelchair, if that helps.

It doesn't.

I'm gonna need some proof of employment

or I'm gonna be forced
to revoke your parole.

Wait, what? Are you serious?

Yes, and I'm gonna
need it by next Monday.

That's Christmas Eve.

Otherwise known as Monday.

BONNIE: Knock, knock.

I just lost a dollar
in the vending machine.

Who do I see about that?

I'll take the dollar or the Sprite.

- You need any help?
- You offering?

No, but I can put the word out.

- What are you doing?
- I cracked the Christmas code.

I tracked down Wendy's
second cousin in Staten Island

who put me in touch with
one of her aunts in Newark.

By the way, there is a solid chance

that one side of Wendy's
family is pretty mobbed up.

Maybe I shouldn't be
mean to her anymore.

Yeah, I'd hate to find
you frozen in a meat truck.

Been there. It's not fun.

- So what are you making?
- Wendy's grandmother used to make

these peppermint meringue
cookies every Christmas.

She's dead, I'm not, bam.

Who's your Secret Santa now, bitch?

Impressive. It's no cat
pillow, but impressive.

Any luck finding Tammy a job?

Not yet. She didn't finish high school,

she hasn't worked in years,
she's not good with people.

How the hell did I get a job?

Hey, where's our cookie sheet?

Oh, sorry, I put it under
my car to catch the oil.

Our good towels aren't
doing the trick anymore?

Adam's got some fancy cookie
sheets at his apartment.

- I'll get you his keys.
- Adam bakes cookies?

No. They've got old girlfriend
written all over them.

In fact, after you're
done, throw them away.

Oh, and grab a couple
of his good towels.

(exhales)

He's so clean.

How can he marry my mother?

(sighs)

- Uh, hello?
- Aah!

If you really wanted to hurt me,

there's knives right behind you.
(chuckles)

Yeah, yeah. That
would've made more sense.

Uh... who are you?

Daniel. I'm renting
this place for a month.

- You are?
- Yeah, Airbnb.

- Who are you?
- Christy. Adam's my mom's fiancé.

I came by to borrow his baking sheets.

I'm making Christmas cookies'

it's a Secret Santa thing. Stop me
when you have enough information.

Well, I can't say no to Secret Santa.

Thanks.

Maybe I could...

come back and bring you some cookies,

if you're into that kind of thing.

I'd love that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, but my boyfriend's gluten-free.

Uh-huh.

Well, then, since we have no
future, get your own cookies.

Merry Christmas.

♪ You know Dasher and Sampson

♪ And Connor and... Gibson.

Eh, maybe I don't know them.

- How'd it go?
- It was a hard no.

Apparently, I'm not Macy's material.

I'm sorry. Did you return my blouse?

- Oh, yeah. Store credit.
- What?

No cash refunds after six months.
That's Macy's policy.

See what they're missing?

You want to try Pottery Barn?

Why bother?

I'm an ex-con in my 's
with no job experience.

- Who's gonna hire me?
- Maybe we're aiming a little too high.

(grunts) My Spanx agree.

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

Truck stop hooker?

I was thinking flipping
burgers in a paper hat.

Ugh, so degrading.

Hello, vodka.

Do you go to meetings five
days a week to get over me?

- Hey.
- Oh.

(chuckles): Hey. What
brings you down here?

I needed cookie sheets and
my mom said you had some.

Oh, yeah, an old girlfriend
left some at my place

before she went crazy.

So you have a type.

Yeah, apparently. I'll
bring them over tonight.

Too late. Got them myself.

And met the guy renting your apartment.

Oh. Huh.

Yeah. You didn't tell your mom, did you?

No. I recognize sneaky
behavior when I see it.

So what's going on, Sneak?

Okay, contrary to what you may see here,

this bar is not exactly trending.

Oh, my God.

You're open right now?

This is the lunch rush.

I'm sorry.

Eh. It's not a disaster.

- I didn't say it was.
- I'm talking to myself.

The nights are slow,

the days are... this.

I have no credit with my vendors,

so I have to pay everything up front,

including buying uniforms

for the health inspector's
son's Little League team.

(laughing): The Barrelworks Pirates.

They're one and six.

So you rent your place
and stay with us, all good.

But why didn't you tell my mom?

'Cause I love her and
I'm gonna marry her,

but I'm still kind of afraid of her.

Yeah, and just a little heads up,

that never goes away.

Any chance we can keep this between us?

Aw, a Christmas lie.

- Now we really are family.
- Yeah.

MARJORIE: You did good, Bonnie.

I'm proud of you.

I don't think Taco Willy's is a career,

but it'll keep Tammy out of jail.

I get that we're being supportive,

but we're not really eating here, right?

Why? I love this place.

♪ Home of the ten-inch taco.

God, there's so much wrong with that.

Welcome to Taco Willy's,
home of the... Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

Just showing a little support.

- Love the sombrero.
- Very jaunty.

Thanks. A group of high school kids

just bagged on me pretty good,

so I forgot to include their utensils.

So, you liking the job?

I'm loving it. No one
here knows I was in prison.

I'm just Tammy. From London.

Ooh, the manager's giving me the
hairy eyeball, order something.

I'll have the ten-inch taco.

All right, mild or en fuego?

Uh, what the heck, en fuego me.

You know what? Just give us
a-a number one, a number four,

an eight, and the aforementioned
ten inches of hot magic.

And diet sodas all around.

Coming right up. That's an uno,

a quatro, and an ocho.

I'm learning Spanish here, too.

All right, that'll be $ . .

Only $ ?

One of those things had shrimp in it.

You guys, thank you so much
for visiting me at my job.

And on behalf of Taco Willy's, gracias.

Wow, these cookies are a slam dunk.

Oh, yeah? Want to see a slammier dunk?

Check out this cookie jar. Look.

It's a bear that's a nurse.

It's so tacky. She'll love it.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hi, Mark. Did you get my check?

Well, that's weird.

Yeah, I-I'll take care
of that right away.

Yeah, thanks. Bye.

What's going on?

The check Adam gave me for
our wedding band bounced.

Checks bounce all the time.
Especially at Christmas.

Doesn't mean anything's wrong.

Huh.

All right, better get wrapping on this.

- Unusual shape, could be tricky.
- Hold it.

What do you know?

- Nothing.
- Look at me.

Adam's having money trouble at the bar.

How do you know?

He's renting out his
apartment for extra money.

- What? Why didn't he tell me?
- I don't know.

He's afraid of you.
You're a scary person.

Did he really say that?

Stop it, that's all
you're getting out of me.

Damn it. Your powers are
strong during the holidays.

- Hey, there she is.
- We need to talk.

Wow, Christy couldn't even last a day.

Don't blame her, she's
weak. How bad is it?

It's not that bad.

It's bad.

So why have you been lying to me?

I wasn't lying, I was
just protecting you.

I mean, you didn't need to know
I'm losing eight grand a month.

Eight grand a month?!
What the... (stammers)

No, no, don't be scary.

You know what?
I don't even care about the money.

I care about you. I care about us.

I mean, what kind of
marriage are we gonna have

if we don't share the good and the bad?

I know. I-It's just...

I'm a guy who rode a
snowboard off a cliff

and this feels like the
stupidest thing I ever did.

Okay, walk me through the
worst-case scenario here.

It's : a.m., you can't
sleep because you're seeing...

- what?
- Well, the bar goes under.

- And?
- I'm completely humiliated.

- And?
- I've lost everything.

Okay, but you haven't lost everything,

because I'm still here with you.

Even if I'm broke?

Babe, I do broke better than anyone.

I got through on $ .

So no more secrets, okay?

You got to bring this stuff to me.

It's called... intimacy, and
I'm told it's very important.

Customers, customers, go, go, go.

Welcome to AJ's Barrelworks.

We have a very special
beer today, two for $ , .

Okay, we have time for one more share.

- Tammy, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Tammy.

Make that unemployed alcoholic.

What? What happened?

Everything was going pretty good,

and then this homeless guy walks
up to the drive-through window.

He's only got a dollar, but
big-hearted Tammy hooks him up

with a Loco Loco Meal and
a -ounce Mountain Dew.

I mean, it's Christmas Eve.

Leave it to me to get fired for
trying to do something nice.

So now I got to go to my parole officer

with no job and nothing to
keep her from sending me back.

Aw, hell...

maybe that's best.

I mean, if I can't keep
a job at a taco stand,

there's no way I'm staying out of jail.

Anyway, I just wanted
to say thanks to you guys

for being so welcoming to me here

and being such great friends.

I'm gonna miss you.

So you don't currently have a job?

No, ma'am, I do not.

Well, you're not leaving
me much choice here.

You've been out eight weeks,
no proof of employment.

I don't know how I'm gonna be able...

Is it too late? May we speak?

What is going on here?

We are character witnesses
for Tammy Diffendorf.

Counselor.

Actually, I'm not
really a lawyer yet...

Just talk.

In the short time we have
known Tammy Diffendorf,

she has proven herself to be a reliable

and law-abiding member
of our community.

She has joined a -step program

and everyone here is
willing to vouch for her...

EVE: Okay, stop.

Okay? This is not about character,

it's about employment, and
there's nothing I can do.

Well, that is ridiculous. I
want to talk to your manager.

This isn't Neiman's.

Oh.

I'm sorry, but if she
does not have a job,

she'll goes back to prison.

Okay? That's all there is to it.

She does have a job.

I need my porch painted. $ .

And I need my gutters cleaned out. $ .

And I've got a big house.
Come over two times a week

and we'll find something wrong with it.

Now, these have to be real jobs.

I need to see invoices
and copies of checks.

You'll get them. We'll get her licensed,

put together a website,
get her business cards.

Tammy's Handys.

We'll work on the name.

I can't believe you guys are
doing this. Thank you so much.

So this is good, right? I don't
have to go back to prison?

I'll see you next Monday.

- No, that's New Year's Eve.
- Take the win.

Oh, yeah, Monday, Monday.

Nice!

Okay, Gus, go mingle.

Nice crowd for a Christmas Eve.

Right? I guess. Oh,
what the hell do I know?

Hey, I thought of a way to
take a little stress off you.

I'd love to, but I'm kind of busy.

Not that, you dumb-ass.

I'm thinking maybe we
kick the wedding bells

down the road a notch.

You want to put the wedding off?

Not forever, it's gonna happen,

but all the money we're spending on that

could be put into this.

You sure?

Merry Christmas, I'm not marrying you.

I think my acid reflux just went away.

I love you. (chuckles)

Hey, Bonnie, you're missing all the fun.

- I'll be right back.
- All right.

- Wow, nice jacket.
- Jill gave it to me.

She said it was $ and I believe her.

I love it Bonnie It's purrrr-fect.

Please stop saying that.

- My turn.
- Get ready.

Oh! A nurse cookie jar.

Thank you.

Wait, look inside.

And cookies, yum.

Not just cookies.

Those are your grandmother's
famous peppermint meringues

she only made at Christmas.

My grandmother never made cookies.

She was a drunk who
sh*t off her own toe.

Well, your cousin Dominic
in Newark begs to differ.

I don't have a cousin Dominic'

What are you talking about?

I found your whole
mobbed-up family on Facebook.

Waste management? Wink, wink.

You got the wrong Wendy Harris,

but thank you.

It was really thoughtful.

Do yourself a favor and never

talk about that side of my family again.

Open mine, open mine.

Ooh, I wonder who it's from.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Remember? You would hide
it under your mattress

and we would read it to
each other every night.

Tammy, I loved this book.

- Good job, honey.
- Yeah, you really nailed Secret Santa.

Oh, Jill, they left
the price tag on this.

I know.