06x12 - Hacky Sack and a Beautiful Experience

[bunniefuu]

Who knew a bar could fail?

A bar!

Yeah, it's too bad we're all sober.

This table alone could turn
that place into a gold mine.

Adam's bar hasn't failed;

it's just a success waiting to happen.

Yeah, so's your hairstyle.

- Hey, go easy on my roommate.
- Nah, it's okay.

She's mean to me when I'm right.

I don't think Christy would
want you eating her fries.

She doesn't care.

Oh, take a peek outside.

I understand.

I'm eating them as fast as I can.

Anyway, Adam sits alone in the
bar all day, losing money,

then he comes home
like a big grump truck

and dumps it all on me.

Why don't you go over
there and keep him company?

Oh, great idea, Marjorie.

You want me angry, frustrated,
and sitting in a bar?

Beats angry, frustrated,
and sitting next to me.

That's what being in a relationship is:

showing up for the hard parts.

Boo.

I know what you need.
I know what we all need.

A hug from Dhara.

Is that your horse?

- No, that's Zahara.
- Oh.

You got that from
Angelina Jolie's daughter.

I had that name first.

Dhara's this incredible
spiritual lady from India

who flies around the
world hugging people.

And when she does, it takes
all your problems away.

They call her the Hug Lady.

We had a hug lady in prison.

She did not take all your problems away.

Other than half my lunch, what'd I miss?

Nope, no recaps for smokers.

- Oh, come on.
- Look, you keep doing this.

You go out to smoke,
and then we got to repeat

everything we just talked about.

Some of the things
people are saying in here

aren't worth hearing the first time.

Give me a hint. Please?

Moving on.

She's having an event in
San Francisco tomorrow,

and I'm gonna go see her.

Who's she gonna see?

Figure it out from context, Smokey.

Well, Jill, how interesting
that you're gonna go see

the Hug Lady from India who
solves all your problems.

So weak.

Something that can solve all
my problems without a meeting?

I'm in.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you people a sheep.

- I'll go.
- Me, too.

Baa...

If I commit to this
trip to San Francisco,

can we ride a cable car?

Good Lord.

Come on, Mom, you
need a spiritual reboot

more than anyone.

And not just at this table.

Anyone.

As much as I'd love to drive two hours

to get a hug from a con artist
who's covered in germs, I'll pass.

Okay, everybody's in but Bonnie.

Uh, I'm still waiting for
confirmation on that cable car.

We can ride the damn cable car.

See that? I hung in there
and got my needs met.

I've really learned
a lot from your cats.

Hurry up, Christy,
I want to get my hug on.

Oh, God, she's gonna get in this car

smelling like a ashtray.

One of you come up front
so I don't have to suffer.

So two of us should have to
suffer instead of one of you?

Yeah.

I do not want to walk into a
highly spiritual environment

wearing a stinky sari.

Why are you wearing a sari?

It's called cultural
appropriation, Marjorie.

We're all supposed to do it.

I bet it buys me an extra
ten seconds of hug time, too.

- Ugh.
- What?

You reek.

Oh, come on. Is it really that bad?

Yes.

I kind of like it,

but I feel compelled
to support the group.

Why are you wearing a sari?

- She was thinking...
- No recaps for smokers.

Oy, someone needs an extra-long hug.

Well, that's why I wore a sar... Oh!

How about a karaoke night?

People love a karaoke night.

Can't think of anything worse.

- Disco night.
- I was wrong.

- Trivia night.
- What is a horrible idea?

None of your suggestions fit
what I'm trying to do here.

I have a vision.

I have a vision, too.

It's of an empty bar.

Hey, I got Mike.

Hi, I'm Mike.

Hi, Mike.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Wouldn't your bar
experience be brightened

with a little karaoke?

Come on, Adam,

be James Taylor to my Carly Simon.

- ♪ Mock ♪
- ♪ No ♪

♪ Ing ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Bird ♪

No.

♪ Mockingbird now ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

- ♪ Have you heard ♪
- ♪ Uh, have you heard ♪

♪ He's gonna buy me... ♪

- ♪ He's gonna buy you ♪
- ♪ A mockingbird ♪

- ♪ A mockingbird ♪
- Look, honey, the whole bar's into it.

- ♪ If that mockingbird don't sing ♪
- ♪ Bird don't sing. ♪

I will cut you off.

I don't want gimmicks,
I just want a bar.

But we're in Napa,

land of a million wineries.

If you want people to
come drink here instead,

you need to offer them
something different.

I do. We don't serve wine.

Well, if it's a sports
bar, you should at least...

Again, it's not a sports bar.

It's a bar for people who like sports.

Well, y-you're just saying
the same thing with more words.

What does that even mean?

It means you can watch the game or not!

It's very relaxing.

Well, not right now, but usually.

I'm just trying to help you.

I don't want your help.

Fine, I'm out of here.

First good idea you've had.

I'm glad it's back to just us.

I haven't been this excited

since Neiman's opened
an outlet in Petaluma.

You go to outlets?

No.

But it got a lot of
riffraff out of my Neiman's.

Tammy, you've got the view.

How far away from the door are we?

I'm gonna say about 40 klicks.

I'm gonna Al say I don't
know what a "klick" is.

I read on Dhara's website

that we'll get more out of our hug

if we have a clear intention going in.

That's a good idea.

Why don't we all write them down?

What's an intention? Like a wish?

No. Dhara's not a birthday candle.

An intention is more
like a focused desire

for a positive outcome.

Sounds like a wish.

- Are you trying to copy mine?
- No, I'm just stretching.

That's a waste of an intention.

I mean, I can just buy another Audi.

Done.

Is yours to quit smoking?

No. It's for everyone
I know to start smoking.

What's yours, Marjorie?

I want to release the
pain of losing Victor

without letting go of my love for him.

Aw.

That's way more enlightened
than better Wi-Fi.

- Skip me.
- Tammy?

- Oh, it's dumb.
- Oh, tell us.

Okay, I want to love myself

as much as I love you guys.

Aw.

God, why is everybody's
better than mine?

Well, no one asked, but my intention is

to be seen and heard by...

Shh, shh! Here comes
the guy with the tickets.

How many in your group?

Five.

So, it's official?
We're all getting hugs?

You get a ticket, and
if you stay in this line

you'll be number... 873.

How long is that gonna take?

Waiting time from this point
is approximately four hours.

Four hours?

I'll handle this.

Excuse me... Mason.

Thank you for the free ticket.

Um, is there some sort of

spiritual fast-pass?

Didn't work for the women on The View,

it's not gonna work for you.

Bonnie, what's going on?

I just had a huge fight with Adam.

- What happened?
- I went down to the bar and gave him

all these great ideas about
how to make it a success,

and he was all: ♪ No, no, no, no.

I mean... "It's not my vision."

So, thanks for your brilliant advice.

Hey, I told you to go
there and be with him.

I never said try to fix it.

Oh.

Let him figure it out for himself

and just support him.

I said, "Oh."

He's a wizard.

Gandalf. He's really old.

Gandalf.

- He has a long, white beard.
- Gandalf.

If it were Gandalf, we'd all say "yay,"

and this hell would stop.

He's in the Harry Potter books.

- Harry Potter.
- Oh, my God.

Rhymes with "Fumbledore."

Bumbledore. Crumbledore.

Dumbledore!

Never heard of him,
but this game is fun.

You're wrong about that,
too. I'm gonna go smoke.

All right, my turn.

- Amazing woman who started the...
- Harriet Tubman.

- Yay!
- Yes!

Uh, super sexy actor.

- John Malkovich.
- Yes! Incredible.

- Uh, discovered...
- Galileo!

Maybe we should be hugging you.

Okay, final groups going
in. Have your tickets out.

Ah, we're going in.

Have a beautiful experience.

Who has our ticket?

- Have a beautiful experience.
- Christy.

Have a beautiful experience. Ticket.

Uh, sorry, we have a
bit of a situation here.

The person in our
group who has the ticket

is... just stepped away for a moment.

Well, then, you are not gonna
have a beautiful experience.

lHey. Where is everyone?

Inside, getting hugged.

You guys didn't have to wait for me.

Yes, we did. You have the ticket.

Oh, no. Oh. Ugh.

Ah, here it is. We can go now.

It's too late. They closed the doors.

Well, maybe if I explain...

We tried. And that was before
the ushers took off their vests

and started playing hacky sack.

Sorry, guys.

Mm-mm. Batting those big blue
eyes is not gonna save you.

I don't know, it's kinda working
on me. Do it again.

Dhara comes once a
year, and you ruined it.

- Jill...
- No.

Ever since she started smoking,
all we do is wait for her.

We can't finish a conversation,

we can't leave on time,

we can't have a once in
a lifetime opportunity

to achieve inner frickin' peace!

I am so, so sorry.

You care more about your damn
cigarettes than you do us.

But that's okay.

You go on smoking

and we'll go on waiting and
waiting and waiting for you.

Let's just cut our losses and go home.

- Cable car.
- Fine, cable car!

I know this is bad timing, but...

can you wait while I go pee?

- Oh, my God, I'm gonna...
- No.

Oh, no, no! Get off... get off of me!

You come back here!

Thanks. Come again.

Please.

You know, there was a time

I thought I might do something
with my singing voice.

Then I got my girlfriend pregnant.

So, instead I spent the next 30
years climbing telephone poles.

Yeah, that's rough.

♪ I am a lineman for the county ♪

♪ And I drive the main road

♪ Searching in the sun for the... ♪

Beautiful voice, what a waste.

Hey, you think Bonnie's right?

Should I make some
changes to this place?

Nah, I like it the way it is.

Don't worry, word's gonna spread.

Who's gonna tell 'em?
You're always here.

- Hey.
- Uh-oh.

No, it's okay. I just
came to say I was wrong.

This is your place, your vision,

and I shouldn't have tried to change it.

I appreciate that.

I'm just gonna sit here,
quietly, and support you.

Cool.

Okay, do something, do anything.

Play with your phone.

Okay, fine.

Compass.

You are north of me.

Ooh, I'll check in on Yelp.

"Bonnie P. is at AJ's Barrelworks."

You only have one review.

That's me.

Only four stars, Mike?

I worried if I gave it five,
the place would be packed.

Yeah, we wouldn't want that.

Well, you are about to
get a five-star review.

AJ's Barrelworks is
everything you're looking for

in a neighborhood bar.

I dare you to walk into this
lovingly restored barrel factory

and not want to sit
down and have a drink.

There's even a dog,

the cutest dog you've
ever seen in your life.

The game's on, but it's not on.

And when you're here,

the world feels a million miles away.

Huh.

I get it, honey.

Karaoke would totally ruin this place.

Thank you.

You're looking at me like
I'm not a part of this.

You are a terrible person.

You're awful,

you're a bad friend, you're selfish,

and one of your ears is
bigger than the other.

How did I not notice that?

That's another thing...
You never notice anything.

Would you please pass
me some toilet paper?

Oh, uh...

Oh, sure.

Thank you.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, nobody likes you.

Not even Wendy.

Not even Wendy.

Oh, my God, it's you.

I...

Can I have a hug?

Just let me wash my hands first.

Come on, come on!

- Three seconds on the clock.
- Come on.

The snap is good, the ball is down.

Wide right, he missed it!

Yeah!

As soon as I get another
customer, I'm kicking you out.

All right, I've been holding
onto this lucky pee for the win.

Now it's just pee.

I've really enjoyed watching you today.

Little creepy, Mike.

Not like that.

It just blew me away

how you came back and apologized.

And you, like, meant it.

Yeah, when I'm wrong, I like to own it.

When I'm wrong, I just dig in.

That used to be me.

I would move out of state
before I'd admit I was wrong.

Literally spent two years in Tucson

to avoid saying, "Maybe you were right."

Very sunny, bring a hat.

Point is, I started Gog
to AA a few years ago.

Now I'm apologizing left and right.

And you know what?

It's made my life better.

Wow. You're sober and
your fiancé opened a bar?

Yeah, don't get me started.

Well, I got to go.

The wife was pretty steamed when I left.

Wish she was like you and
would just say I was right.

- Were you?
- No.

You're not gonna drive home, are you?

I live across the street.

But you're right, I shouldn't drive.

Yeah, definitely not.

Where'd Mike go?

He went home. He left his keys.

Great, let's sell his
car and pay some bills.

It's so weird how we're
still standing in line

and there isn't even a line anymore.

I hope Christy's okay.

Of course she's okay.

She's smoking.

And I'm gonna tell her she
can go get home on the bus.

Jill, calm down.

When has saying that ever worked?

Be taller, Wendy!

Christy!

Hello, Jill.

You got hugged!

Yeah.

How the hell did that happen?!

I gave her toilet paper.

Okay, that thing's really on there.

Okay, so how was it?

Honestly, it was kinda life-changing.

You could've downplayed it a little.

I did.

For one solid minute,

Dhara gave me her full attention

and it made me feel so... valued.

Well, yippee for you.

It made me realize I
haven't been giving you guys

the attention you deserve.

I'm inconsiderate, I'm always late,

and even when I am with you,
my head's in a different place.

That's exactly what I've been saying.

Jill, you came here for a hug

and you're gonna get one.

For the next minute, it's just you and me.

But you're just a regular person.

- What's that gonna do?
- Come here.

Okay, this is weird.

Oh, well, it's not terrible.

It's actually kinda nice.

Something's happening.

I love you, Christy.

I think I love everybody.

Oh, God, now... now I
remember what my intention was.

I just really wanted a hug.

Have you ever noticed
anything strange about my ears?

The big one or the little one?

- Hey.
- Hey, this is a surprise.

Christy's been in such a
happy spiritual place lately,

I had to get away from her.

Well, don't worry, no happy people here.

Even Mike stopped coming.

I actually saw Mike today.

- Yeah, where?
- My AA meeting.

Seriously?

Yeah. Evidently something
I said rang true.

Nice work, Johnny Applesober.

This place is cool.

Hey, welcome.
Keep your mouth shut.

Hi, we read about you on Yelp.

Where's the dog?

- Oh, he's around here somewhere.
- Gus?

- Turn on the charm, boy.
- Oh, my God.

Oh! Hi, baby.

What are you drinking?

This is our third day in Napa.

Anything but wine.

Honey, they get it.