06x13 - Big Floor Pillows and a Ball of Fire

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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06x13 - Big Floor Pillows and a Ball of Fire

Post by bunniefuu »

- Previously on Mom...
- You slept with Adam?

We only did it, like...

20 times.

You never told me you
slept with this monkey.

You porked my wife?!

- I wouldn't use that word.
- I would.

- You grabbed her ass?
- With both hands.

You did "bad hand" on my woman?

I have a drinking problem.

Come here, brother.

Oh, thanks.

Man, you know, I-I was just kidding.

You've been reading
Cosmopolitan again, haven't you?

Don't know why every man doesn't.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

My friend Mitch is coming to town.

- What?
- I said I love you.

Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch?

I know the last time he was
here things got a little bumpy...

A little bumpy? He hit
on me and my daughter.

He peed in three places
that weren't the bathroom.

One of them was our good salad bowl.

But he's not the same guy anymore.

He sobered up, he divorced Leanne,

he's on a whole different path,

and he just wants some bro time.

If you ever want to
have sex with me again,

don't say "bro time."

Fine. You see him. Just
keep him away from me.

Actually...

He just wants to apologize
to you and Christy.

You son of a bitch.

- What?
- You waited to tell me this

till after I had a decent orgasm.

Decent? You practically levitated.

Fine, it was a cascading
series of body tremors.

Just like the article
promised! So, what do you say?

Oh, no, this is way too big a
favor for just one go-around.

- You're kidding, right?
- Nope.

Seriously, why am I still
looking at your face?

I can't believe you're letting
that animal back into our lives.

Well, at least it's only
one animal this time.

Leanne's out of the picture.

I'm still kind of
shocked they got divorced.

Really? I'm shocked
that marriage didn't end

in a m*rder-su1c1de.

Yeah, but they're kind
of made for each other.

Like water parks and diarrhea.

Hey, we're here.

Ugh, I can't do this.

I promised Adam five minutes,

and then we can head to the meeting.

I got to stop wearing
stuff with handles.

Bonnie, Christy.

You remember Mitch.

Hey.

Hey. Thank you for seeing me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

You might want to take
that as a win and leave.

No. No, I got to do this.

Christy, Bonnie...

I owe you both an amends

for the wreckage I
caused on my last visit.

I hope that you can
give me another chance.

But if you can't...

I totally understand.

I cry so easily these days.

What do you think?

I think making an amends
like that is really painful.

Keep going.

I didn't understand...

what an ass I was.

Ooh, I like that. Delve into that.

I actually thought my
behavior was charming.

That's alcoholic thinking for you.

Anyway, all I can do now

is try to repair the damage.

Damn it, that was really good.

Hold on.

Oh, crap. Real tears.

Forgiven.

So, are we all Kumbaya here?

'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar

while you two go to your meeting.

Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm
feeling a little fragile.

I could really use a meeting right now.

- Do you mind if I tag along?
- Well?

We're not really allowed to say no.

Stupid program.

Come on.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, you just got here.

What happened to bro time?

Hey, what'd I say about that?

So, I'm directing this
movie in Dubrovnik,

and everybody's looking
at me to steer the ship

'cause, you know, I'm the director.

And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud."

"I'm a drunk. I'm a liar."

You're safe here.

I feel that.

So, I start saying the prayer

in my head, and... I'll be darned

if God didn't grant me the
serenity to call "action"

and send the Harley off the cliff,

through the helicopter
door, out the other side,

where it hit a second helicopter,

exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy,

that's a wrap and a
Golden Globe nomination.

Golden Globe?

Well, if you believe the buzz. Anyway,

I'm just another drunk
trying to get through the day.

Well, a drunk who's
a Hollywood director.

Wow, lunch goes faster when
someone else does the talking.

I don't know how you handle
the pressure of making a movie.

I can barely deal with work and school.

If they ever stopped making
Red Bull, I'd be screwed.

I actually won three
Red Bull Stunt Awards.

But have you ever considered meditating?

I tried,

but apparently my ind craves anxiety.

Well, it changed my life.

It made me a much better director.

That's four.

Ladies, I just... I want to thank you

for letting me into the red tent.

I-I've just been so raw
since Leanne and I split up.

Yeah, now, what happened there?

Well, I got sober,
and she couldn't do it.

I love her, but I had to let her go.

Yeah, the road gets narrower,
but our life gets better.

Thank you for that.

We're all here for you.

Oh. No, no,

no, ladies, this one is on me.

Finally. I've been
waiting for four years

for somebody else to pick up...

Hold the phone, is that a black card?

- This? Oh, yeah.
- Is it true

you can buy a Ferrari with that?

It's almost rude if you don't.

- Whoa.
- Right?

You should sh**t a movie here.

I could be in it. You know, I sing.

I'm panning, and I'm loving.

I'm panning, and I'm loving.

Ooh.

Recast that guy.

- Come on, you like?
- It's fantastic.

Where was this place when
my blood type was bourbon?

I know. I would've been totally
sleeping with the bartender.

Oh, wait, I am.

So, how's business been?

Let's just say that there
are three people in here,

- and I'm excited.
- I don't get it.

This place should be crushing it.

It's got charm, character,

an owner you feel a
little bit sorry for.

I know. I keep telling
him, work the chair.

You guys done?

Never. Honestly, man, I love
it. I love it. It's great.

Thanks. As soon as we
start turning a profit,

I got big plans.

I want to hear them, but right now I got

about a gallon of iced tea in me.

Right that way. It's the
door that says "hombres."

- Cool.
- Still not sure I should've done that.

So, you two seem to be getting along.

Well, yeah, he's sober now,
he kept his hands to himself,

and he paid for lunch with a black card.

A black card.

He does love waving that thing around.

Well, maybe he could wave it at us

and make our problems disappear.

Seriously, if we want

to take this bar to the next level,

we need an investor.

I don't know. Friends and business?

That's as bad as having
"hombres" on the door.

Oh, come on. He lives in L.A.,
so we'd never hear from him.

He'd just send us money.

It's the exact opposite
of having a child.

Hey.

You ever think of putting
TVs above the urinals?

I have a buddy who produces
60-second TED Talks.

Perfect for the average whiz.

You go in with a full bladder,
you leave with a full mind.

Look at that, Mitch
has ideas for the bar.

If only we had money to implement them.

- Bonnie.
- Are you looking for investors?

I would never put you
in that position, buddy.

What if I want to be in that position?

Yeah, what if he wants to?

Are you sure about this, Mitch?

100%. It's part of the program.

The program says that you
should invest in a bar?

No, it says be of service,

help others, get out of self.

I'm your best friend, man.

Let me take this ride with you.

Damn it, Mitch. Thank you.

Well, I'm gonna let you
two have some bro time.

That's right. That's back in.

I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk.

People who dress up
in spandex to ride their bike.

Why can't I run them over?

This is incredible!

We're actually getting
to work together again.

- The boys are back!
- Yeah!

You cool if I have a beer to celebrate?

- I would be pissed if you didn't.
- I got to hand it to you,

you figuring out a way to get
Bonnie to not be mad at you...

You do a TED Talk on that, let me know.

It's the magic of
being on the same path.

You're smoking weed?

I thought you were sober.

I am.

California sober.

That's a thing?

It's totally a thing.

I d... I don't... I don't drink at all.

But how can you be
sober if you're smoking?

So, uh, 20 grand enough
to get things rolling?

Let me get you an ashtray.

All right. Here we go.

Quiet the mind.

Yepper-Dee-doo.

Why did I say that?

That's not a quiet mind.

Okay, here we go.

Ooh, can't forget that eye
appointment on Thursday.

Stop it.

♪ I come from a land down under. ♪

Where the hell did that come from?

My knees hurt when I sit like this.

That's probably cancer.

Can you get knee cancer?

Christy Plunkett,

you are terrible at this.

That was my seventh
grade science teacher.

What's he doing in here?

Oh, I never left.

Great.

I'm mentally ill,

and I have knee cancer.

Hey, check it out.

I ordered a new sign,
and the guy mocked up

what it's gonna look
like on the building.

Ooh, a neon barrel.

That'll really draw a crowd.

Yeah, and look at the negative space.

It's my initials.

I'm not getting that.

What do you mean? "A" for Adam,

"J" for Janikowski.

I see a penis.

What? What? No, it's clearly "A.J."

Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd.

Maybe two slightly different crowds.

It's fun spending
Mitch's money, isn't it?

You want fun? Wait'll I put
in those foam-less beer taps.

Ooh. And a new ice maker.

Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems.

Yeah, and that necklace
we saw at the mall.

Yeah... W-Wait, what?

Come on, you got a neon penis.

It's Mitch's money. But
as soon as we get our own,

you can get a much smaller
version of that same necklace.

It's crazy.

Last time he was here,

he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up.

- Now he's a new man.
- Mm-hmm.

Getting clean gave me
a second chance in life,

it's giving him a second chance,

and now it's giving
your bar a second chance.

That is the power of sobriety.

Yay, sobriety.

Adam's new sign went up today.

What do you see?

- Penis.
- Penis.

A.J.

Penis.

We see what we want to see.

I so want to see a penis.

Not yours, Barry. Keep moving.

I was hoping Mitch was coming.

I wanted to tell him he
inspired me to try meditating

and I'm a new woman.

20 minutes in the morning,
20 minutes at night,

and I haven't had to go
to the sh**ting range once.

Wait, what?

You're meditating and it's working?

Yeah, easy-peasy.

And you only hear your
own voice in your head?

Well, who else's voice
would I be hearing?


I don't know.

Maybe your seventh grade
teacher you had a crush on

until you saw him at the
grocery store with his wife

and then you cried for three weeks.

Mr. Borger?

I slept with that guy. You
weren't missing anything.

The trick to meditating
is to develop a routine.

After a 45-minute massage,
some chamomile tea,

and a long soak in the hot tub,

I go to my meditation room,

get on top of some of
my big floor pillows,

and just doze off.

That's not meditating.

That's taking a nap.

Oh, what do you know?

You can't even do it.

Look at this!

It's packed!

The new sign's working, babe.

The giant penis in the sky!

If you erect it, they will come!

This is for my pappy!

- What's going on?
- Uh-oh.

We may not have gotten
along on this Earth,

but we'll be drinking buddies in hell.

- To Pappy!
- To Pappy!

Oh, my God, he's loaded.

He relapsed.

This is all my fault.

What was I thinking, asking
him to invest in a bar?

Hey, look!

There's my bar partner.

My bartner!

What the hell is going on, Mitch?

Mm, I'm trying to hug
you, but it's-it's hard,

'cause of the chair.

How do you do it?

Let's get you some coffee.

Coffee?

Innkeeper!

Work your alchemy!

I met these guys in the bar at my hotel.

They all work in insurance.

Can you imagine? k*ll me now.

What happened to California sober?

"California sober"?

You know, he gets
high but doesn't drink.

That's not a thing.

You told me it was a thing.

You knew it wasn't a thing.

W... Wait,

you knew he was smoking
pot and you didn't tell me?

Well, by that time, we were partners,

and then I ordered my penis sign.

This is for my old ma!

May she rest in peace,

whenever she dies.

She's in a home.

I can't go. It's too depressing.

- To Ma!
- To Ma!

Okay.

Quiet the mind,

quiet the mind.

A peaceful lake.

A gentle breeze.

Is this it?

Am I doing it?

Look at me. I'm doing it.

Suck it, Jill.

Mitch!

Bonnie!

Bonnie's daughter!

And I'm no longer doing it.

Hello?!

Coming!

Bonnie's daughter!

Oh! I've missed you so much!

You have?

Don't you remember?

We were gonna stay in
touch and be friends.

I texted you, like, a
million, jillion times.

I never gave you my number.

Oh.

Must've been a different Teresa.

How 'bout you let go of me now?

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry, Teresa.

Oh!

I got to be honest with you,

I've had a few drinks.

Yes, I know.

I think I got drunk from our hug.

Wouldn't it be great
if it worked that way?

Anyway,

thanks for coming over.

You came over here.

And please tell me you didn't drive.

No, no, I boobered.

That's when you get in a cab and
you show the driver your boobs

instead of paying.

Where's Mitch?!

He owes me money!

And why are you sleeping with him,

you nasty skank?!

Oh!

How'd we get here?

I told you!

Boober!

I'm s... I'm sorry.

Sambuca makes me mean.

You want some?

Easy, easy.

It's a $1,200 sweater.

You were never sober, were you?

Sure, I was.

When I was nine.

You went to a meeting with us!

Why'd you lie?

I want you to like me.

Is it working?

Hey!

Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater!

The Tooch!

Larry said you didn't
charge any of those people

for their drinks. What are you doing?

Listen to me, listen to me.

Listen to me.

- We're listening!
- I have an idea.

I was in a bar in Prague,

and they had hookers.

And people seemed to like it.

Oh, great. My first brawl.

I'm just saying,

no one fights in a hooker bar.

Mitch, you miserable prick!

You broke my heart!

That's not Mitch!

I'm not Mitch.

You're not Mitch.

What's she doing here?

She showed up at our
apartment looking for Mitch.

I figured if I brought her down here,

she'd cease to be my problem.

Forget about Mitch.

I like you now.

Everybody, I like Not Mitch!

And now she's his problem.

Oh, I feel so safe here.

What are we drinking?

I can't believe I fell for this again.

Well, to be fair,

I am a Hollywood-level liar.

Well, I should know better,

because I'm whatever's
worse than Hollywood.

Nothing's worse than Hollywood.

As much as I want to
strangle you right now,

I can't, because I am you.

Well, I was you.

A drunk tornado ripping
through people's lives.

They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3.

Shut up!

I'm taking the high
road, you toxic cesspool!

What I meant to say was...

... as long as you're drinking,

I don't want you in our lives.

No calling, no e-mailing, no texting.

What about Chapsnatch?

Nothing. No contact.

But if you ever sincerely want help...

I'll be here for you.

Ah.

I see where this is going.

Who's a pretty pony?

Adam.

You were always the good one.

Why'd I stop sleeping with you?

What happened to us?

Give her a minute. She'll come back.

What's your name?

Leanne, y-you got to get off me.

My fiancée has a temper.

Adam!

Bonnie hit me!

See?

Mitch!

Leanne?!

Why'd she hit you?

No reason.

Seriously? We should all be hitting him.

You poor thing.

I know, right?

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Let's make a baby.

It's true love.

What's wrong with me
that I'm jealous of them?

Cosmopolitan, you've done it again.

Believe it or not, this time,

Redbook.

- Really?
- Yep.

Right next to an article
about one-pot winter meals.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Mitch's check bounced.

Go again.
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