06x19 - Lumbar Support and Old Pork

[bunniefuu]

- Hey. Morning.
- Can you grab the milk?

(yelps)

- Oh, my God. Is it another rat?
- No.

It's food.

Close it and open it again.
I don't believe it's real.

Who did this?

Not me... I've got four
dollars in my wallet

and it's got to last me till next week.

Well, it wasn't me
either and, by the way,

you have two dollars in your wallet.

Look, look. There's strawberry jam.

With seeds.

So you know it came
from real strawberries.

- Morning.
- Adam, there's food in the house.

(chuckles): I know, I bought it.

I'm tired of coming home
at 2:00 a.m. after work

and finding a box of baking
soda and a fuzzy lemon.

Okay, this jam is mine, I called it.

You know, I went crazy and bought

- some bread to put that on.
- Bread?

I want bread. I call that, too.

- Adam, how much did you spend?
- Don't worry about it.

We're doing really well at the bar

and we deserve nice things.

Nice things I get,

but what's with the fancy-ass beans?

They're not the grocery store brand?

Nope. Check out the lid.

(gasps) A pop-top!

Okay, Bill Gates, now
you're just showboating.

How's the fruit looking today?

Must we do this dance?

You're right. Cheeseburger and fries.

- You?
- I'll just have a side of mayo.

I'm not even in the mood to ask.

Is there a new mayo diet?

Is it hard? Is it working?
'Cause you look good.

I'm on the eat all
the food in the fridge

before it spoils diet.

She had a turkey leg and a box
of cherry tomatoes for breakfast.

Yeah. You could have helped out, too,

Miss "yogurt that
still had a week to go."

I usually like their fights,
but I don't get this one.

Adam's bar is finally bringing in

a little money and he had the audacity

to fill our fridge with food.

And I'll be damned if I'm
letting any of it go bad.

Here, banana-tizers all around.

That's great that his bar's doing well.

(panicked shushing)

Jinxsy! Don't say it out loud.

Um... you just salted that guy's baby.

Why aren't you happy
the bar's doing well?

(exclaims) What did Bonnie just say?

He smiled. (chuckles)

Oh, stupid baby thinks it's snowing.

Look, I'm glad it's happening,

I just don't want Adam
going crazy with it.

He bought food. And running shoes.

Running shoes.

- (phone chimes)
- Aw.

- ALL: Yuri.
- But it's even better.

It's him holding a cat.

Ooh, let me see. (gasps)

(chuckles) (meows)

(meowing)

Take the phone back.

It's his cousin's
cat, they're roommates.

(gasps) Which reminds me, Christy.

Sergei just broke up with
his girlfriend and I...

- I'm in.
- Maybe I'd fix you guys up, I mean...

- I said I'm in.
- he's pretty cute and I think you guys

Did you not just hear
her? She's about to jump up

- on this table and start twerking.
- I really am.

Okay, great, well, how about we go

to their place for dinner Friday?

No, no, not Friday.
We've got four pounds

of pork shoulder that's
best before the 17th.

I haven't touched a man in ten months.

I'm willing to take my
chances with old pork.

Picking up your entire life
and moving to a strange country?

I can't imagine. Hmm.

- You must get homesick.
- Sometimes.

But then I shove ice cube down his pants

and say, "Snap out of it!" (laughs)

(laughs) It's funny every time.

(chuckling)

How did you learn to
speak such good English?

Ah. Watching Law and Order: SVU.

"In the criminal justice system,

"sexually based offenses are...

BOTH: considered especially heinous."

It's happening.

No pressure... whatever
happens, happens.

But it's happening.

Who's ready for Duncan Hines Bundt cake?

TAMMY: Ooh.

- They raise their hands here.
- Oh.

Go relax on couch, we'll clean up.

(Christy chuckles)

- So what do you think?
- He's amazing.

(chuckles) They're both amazing.

- They cook, they clean.
- And they're gentle, sensitive lovers.

Well, mine is.

And Sergei plays the guitar,
so I can only assume...

- I could have a Russian boyfriend
who plays guitar? - (chuckles)

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I always
do this, I get ahead of myself.

Yeah, you're right.
It's just the first date. Be cool.

But we are totally
having a double wedding.

Right? (laughs)

Dessert is served.

Sergei, he make this cake himself.

It's moist because
it has pudding inside.

It's sweet that you guys are so close.

We are like Three Musketeers.

But only two.

Don't make me emotional
in front of women.

(knocking at door)

Please enjoy your moist
cake, I will get this.

(chuckles)

Yuri, your cousin is so nice.

Ah, he has good heart.

(Yuri yelling in Russian)

(overlapping arguing in Russian)

(yelling continues)

Is everything okay out there?

It's just business.

(arguing continues in Russian)

(man speaking Russian)

(yelling in Russian)

Sergei, please. We are entertaining.

I... Forgive me, ladies.

Five minutes and then Pictionary.

(terse whispering)

- Christy, how's your cake?
- Stolen.

I mean, moist. I mean, good.

Who's uncomfortable?

Is that a new hat?

I guess, maybe. I don't know.

Well, you either went to a store
and bought a hat or you didn't.

F-Fine, I bought a hat. (scoffs)

You might want to be nicer to me,

I'm taking you out for a surprise.

I hate surprises.

- What kind of person hates surprises?
- The kind who was

in the bath when the
DEA broke down the door.

The first time. The second time?

(scoffs) I was ready for them.

Well, this is a good surprise.

Are we shopping for expensive hats?

Oh, my God. I got it at the car wash.

Oh, so now we're going
to fancy car washes.

Yeah, I was in line behind the queen.

Uh, B-Bonnie. Bonnie, you got

to get over this. I'm making money.

You're right, I'm sorry. And I'll try.

Good, 'cause we're here.

What? No.

No, no.

I don't want a new car.

I don't need a new car.

- My car is fine.
- (stammers)

Your left window doesn't close,

you have a hole in the
floor and when you park it

out front of the bar,
it scares customers away.

Is the bar doing well or
are customers scared away?

'Cause it can't be both.

There she is, my
favorite ex-mother-in-law.

Oh, God. This yahoo?

Hey, Baxter.

Was she surprised?

Yeah, it made her super mad.

You know, everything
you want a present to do.

I'm not angry. I just
don't need a new car.

Will you at least let him show you

- the one that we picked out?
- (groans) Fine.

(claps hands) Change is uncomfortable.

But you know what is not uncomfortable?

Heated leather seats.

My ass is hot enough on its own.

Slide on in there, Bonnie.

Got the yacht rock all fired up.

Christopher Cross and you are
ready to ride like the wind.

Just don't get caught between

the moon and New York City. (chuckles)

Stay in your lane, Wheels. I got this.

I don't know how many times
I got to tell you guys I...

Oh.

Lumbar support. Shuts
the yapper every time.

Hey. I see a little smile.

Someone's starting to like it.

Okay, okay, how much?

Don't worry about
that, we can afford it.

How much?

I worked out the sweetest deal ever.

Zero down, $350 a month.

- How many months?
- Does that...

- How many months?
- 72.

72 months? Who knows if
we'll still be together!

Wh-What? We're getting married.

Yeah, you can get out of
that. This, you're locked in.

Let me out.

Get me out of here.

- There's a button.
- Well, there's a million buttons!

("Ride Like The Wind" by
Christopher Cross playing)

Will you... Bonnie, stop.

Screw it. I'm going C-section.

Be careful on the roof, these
things are not well made.

I will see you at home,

and don't be late 'cause
I'm making that ham.

- Want to get high?
- Absolutely.

Hey, Taylor. How's your day?
How's it going?

What, your friends aren't
here so now you want to talk?

Oh, come on, I'm not like that.

- Hmm.
- Don't you have a son in college?

I'm 30.

Well, this has been fun.

Hey, Tammy!

Sorry I'm late, I was at Yuri's.

We had the place to ourselves,

- and we...
- Please stop.

Oh, I need to say it
out loud. We made love.

Good for you.

Oh, that reminds me,
this is from Sergei.

An Apple Watch?

To quote Sergei, he's
"smeetten" with you.

Tammy, I can't keep this.

Why?

Despite the fact that
it looks cool and...

Oh, my God, it's taking my pulse...

I'm pretty sure it's stolen.

What? No, he knows a guy.

Tammy, we both know what it
means when you know a guy.

(scoffs) And come on,

that business in the
apartment with the TVs...

Okay, so no man's perfect,

but I really think you should
give Sergei another chance.

I'm not talking about
me. You're on parole

and Sergei's obviously
involved in illegal activity.

You're taking a huge risk every
time you're in that apartment.

Well, I can't take Yuri to Marjorie's,

it's the least sexy place on the planet.

(imitating Marjorie):
"Oh, are you two gonna get

hot and bothered?"

This is serious. You
could go back to prison.

Look, I'm not stupid, okay?

I know Sergei's a little
shady, but Yuri's clean.

Even if he is, the fact that
he lives with him...

Stop. I got this. I have an amazing
guy and I'm not screwing it up.

I think I'm just gonna go.

- Tammy...
- No, you know what, I could eat.

I just made love for three hours.

Can you believe that guy?

Men, always trying to buy us cars.

You think this is a joke?

I don't know. For as
long as I can remember,

you've always said, "If I ever
have money, I want a new car."

I just think this spending
is tempting the fates.

You know, putting a big target on us,

like, "Hey, Universe, look
over here. We got money."

Next thing you know, your
pet monkey rips your face off.

At least you'd have
money for a new face.

No, I wouldn't because
Adam spent it all on hats.

Hey.

Hello.

- Is that the hat?
- Uh-huh.

Good Lord.

- I don't want to fight.
- I don't either.

Well, good. I'm just confused.

What is the point of me busting my ass,

smelling like wings and beer,

barely spending any time with you,

if I can't at least treat my
family to a few nice things.

Aw, he called me family.

You're so easy.

It's just I've always
wanted to have money

and now that we do, I'm
afraid we're gonna lose it.

Oh, you worrying about us going broke

makes me feel like you don't
have much confidence in me.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't mean that.

Then can you maybe try to trust me?

Yeah, Mom, for the family.

All right, I will trust you.

Good, because I bought you the car.

What? How could you do that?

What? Because I know
you're gonna love it.

Ow!

Unbelievable. You're so selfish.

- That really dinged me.
- Selfish?

Left a dent.

You know what? I'm gonna take it back.

You do what you want.

Am I bleeding?

Where'd you park it?

It's the only car out
front with a bow on it!

I'm a little dizzy.

Mama?

So he-he just threw the keys at you?

I don't really remember.
I kind of blacked out.

Anyway...

sorry for coming by unannounced.

Oh, it's okay. Lots of
people come here unannounced.

At least it's not 2:00 in the morning.

Yeah, that's kind of what I
wanted to talk to you about.

You know Tammy's on parole, right?

Yes, I love her anyway.

She could get into a lot
of trouble for dating a guy

who's living with a sweet, handsome,

but obviously criminal cousin.

Which reminds me,

please give this back to Sergei.

Oh, Sergei's not criminal,

he is what we call "middleman."

Dimitri and Misha, now
those guys are criminals.

Look, you don't want Tammy
to go back to prison, right?

Of course not.

But you live with somebody
she can't be around.

Oh, so as long as I'm living
with Sergei, she's at risk?

Yes.

I get it.

Thank you, Yuri.

No, thank you, Christy.

Shall I tell Sergei that you came by?

I'm not on parole, why the hell not?

- Hey there, can I tell you about our...
- No.

- You look like you're in the market...
- No.

- There's my favorite...
- No. Office, now.

- Want a jelly doughnut?
- No!

Well, I do.

What's wrong? Having
trouble with the Sirius XM?

A lot of our older custom...

A lot of our customers do.

I'm returning the car.

- Bonnie, sit down.
- No.

Okay, well, I'm sitting.
I'm on my feet all day.

Hey, if I showed you a thing,

could you tell me if it's a corn?

I want you to tear up the contract.

Look, I have a pretty good idea
of what you're going through.

You got jelly on your shirt.

Aw, damn it.

Dance with a jelly doughnut,
sometimes you pay the piper.

Look, when I met Candace,

I was living in my van.

Now I have a five bedroom
house, membership at a golf club,

collection of vintage
arcade games. (chuckles)

Frogger, so underrated.

Son of a...

Is this going somewhere?

What I'm trying to say is it
took me a while to get used

to having nice things, but
it turns out, it's great.

But aren't you afraid
it's all gonna go away?

Even if it does, at least I
enjoyed it while it lasted.

Huh. That actually makes sense.

Really? 'Cause when I was
saying it, it sounded weird.

I don't know, maybe I
am getting in my own way.

I've always been a "live
in the moment" kind of gal,

and now I'm obsessing about something

that hasn't even happened.

Thoughts are not reality.

Wow, listen to me,
and I'm not even high.

Baxter.

Fine, tail end of a good buzz.

Enjoy this while you can.

Aren't you afraid it's
gonna make you soft?

Oh, I'm soft, but Candace is loaded.

As long as I'm with her, I'm fine.

And you sure you two
are solid, jelly boy?

Yeah.

Are we solid?

Hey, sweetie, I just
called to say I lo...

Yeah, sure, you can call me back.

It's fine. She's just a little busy.

Hey, Tammy. Aren't you going inside?

- I've been waiting for you.
- Oh.

- (mocking): Oh.
- Oh...

Yuri told me you had
a little talk with him.

Okay, yes, you're mad,

but I just felt it was important

- that he knew...
- He dumped me.

- What?
- Yeah.

No. No, no, no, no, he
wasn't supposed to dump you,

he was supposed to dump Sergei.

He can't dump Sergei, he's family,

and he's the whole
reason Yuri's in America.

- I'm so sorry.
- I thought we were friends.

We are. That's why I did
it. I love you too much

- to see you go back to prison.
- (scoffs)

I set you up on a date,
and you ruined my life.

Tammy, come on.

Just a heads-up, I'm gonna share
the crap out of this in there,

and I'm not gonna say your
name 'cause that's not cool,

but they're gonna know.
Oh, they're gonna know!

♪ And I've got such
a long way to go ♪

♪ Such a long way to go ♪

♪ To make it to the
border of Mexico ♪

♪ So I'll ride like the wind ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ride like the wind ♪

♪ Gonna ride like the wind ♪

♪ Bah, dah, dah, dah ♪

♪ Bah, dah, dah, dah ♪

- What are you looking at?
- ♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

BOTH: ♪ Bah, dah, dah, dah ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah... ♪

This is what I wanted to see.

- You happy, enjoying this.
- I am.

And you even upgraded the model,
got all the bells and whistles.

Hey, I wanted to do it right.

We might have to live
in this thing someday.

But still, did you need
the rear entertainment system?

You guys ever see Minions?
It is so good!

I could totally live back here.

(music volume increases)

♪ Ride like the wind ♪

BOTH: ♪ Bah, dah, dah, dah ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah,
dah, dah, dah, dah. ♪