06x22 - Crazy Hair and a Teeny Tiny Part of Canada

[bunniefuu]

What exactly do we know about this guy?

That he has a vintage jukebox
and wants to sell it to me.

Well, that's just what he said online.

What if we drove all the way
to Reno and it's a total scam?

What exactly would the scam be?

To get a couple to drive
three hours for no reason?

"Ha, ha, I've stolen your time."

You are so innocent. It's like
I'm in a relationship with a baby.

We get there, they
bring out the jukebox,

you give them a bag of money,

they say, "We'll box it up for you,"

they load it in the van, we get home,

the box is full of bricks and sand.

(chuckles): Who would do that?

It... Oh, no. Yeah.

I did it with stereo speakers.

Sold the same pair 78 times.

And where are they
now? In our living room.

You scare me. I'm marrying
someone who scares me.

(chuckles) Every couple needs at
least one scary person.

The neighborhood Mormons are
afraid to knock on our door.

You're welcome.

Speaking of getting married...

I wasn't.

Well, I am.

I don't think you're allowed to
bring something up and then say,

"Hey, speaking of that
thing I just brought up."

Okay, how about this?

Entirely new subject...

I've been wondering when
we might get married.

Well, why are you wondering
that? What's wrong?

N-Nothing's wrong. We
postponed the wedding

because the bar was struggling,
but now I can afford a jukebox.

- And...
- Or bricks and sand.

My point is...

no reason not to set a date.

Unless you have a reason.

Wow. Are you accusing me of
not wanting to get married?

Well, I wasn't, but
I'm starting to worry.

Stop worrying. I will absolutely
marry you at some point.

See, "at some point"

sounds like that you
don't want to get married.

So you are accusing me of
not wanting to get married.

Well, you don't seem
very excited about it.

Oh, you want excited?

(whoops) Let's get married!

Is that better?

I mean, a little bit. It
didn't feel totally real.

For crying out loud, I'd
marry you any time, any place.

If we weren't busy getting scammed

buying a vintage jukebox,
I'd marry you today.

- You're so full of it.
- I am not.

Well, we keep passing all
these quickie wedding chapels.

How about I just pull
over at the next one?

Great. That... Right up here. Pull in.

- I'm putting on the blinker.
- Blink away.

Oh, perfect.

I've always wanted to get
married next to an Arby's.

See, there it is...
That-that's the flimsy excuse

you're gonna use to
try to get out of it.

I'm not getting out of anything, Bozo.

Okay, big talker, are we doing this?

Screw it, let's get married!

- Hey, how's it going, Tam?
- Not good.

I woke up in a pleasant mood,
but then I walk into the kitchen

and there's one of
Marjorie's little notes.

"Don't forget to put the
milk away. X-O, Marjorie."

She doesn't mean the X,
she doesn't mean the O.

And who else is the note gonna be from?

The cats can't write.

And they would never
want the milk put away.

I mean, if you have a problem
with me, just talk to me.

Don't write me a note.
I'm not scary, am I?

No, ma'am.

Oh, look. There's the birthday girl.

Got to go give her a hug
'cause it's her birthday.

Happy sober birthday!

Aw, thanks. (chuckles)

Six whole years of me waking
up where I thought I would.

I remember your first
meeting like it was yesterday.

You walked in...

Please don't tell the
"vomit in my purse" story.

It's a tradition. People love it.

Always makes me feel
better about myself.

Ooh, save it for the party.

So you're gonna take
a cake today, right?

No, I'm gonna wait.

My mom's in Reno with Adam.

Feels too important
to do it without her.

Well, that's progress. You used
to only want your mom here

so you could angrily share at her.

The trick was to always share
after her so she couldn't rebut.

She'd try to bribe me with
Tic Tacs not to call on you.

I did it once for orange.

- How's it going, Tammy?
- Not good. Marjorie...

Did you wake up today?

- Yeah, but...
- Are you sober?

- Yeah, but...
- Do you have a bed, a job and friends?

- Yeah.
- Then the answer is "amazing."

"I guess it is. I'm amazing.

See, now why isn't that on a Post-it?

Hey, Nora.

This is for you.

Why are you giving me
a card on your birthday?

'Cause I just want you to know
that I couldn't have made it

through the last year
without you as my sponsor,

and my sobriety is better
because you're a part of it.

And now you know what my card says.

Well, congratulations.

And now you know what my card says.

You know, we could just keep these

and give them to each other next year.

- What?
- Come sit with me for a minute.

No. No, no, no.

I am not sitting down.
Sitting down means bad news.

Well, you can stand if you want to,

I'm still moving to Minneapolis.

What? You're not serious.

I got an amazing opportunity.

I'm going to be the new
Channel 5 meteorologist

for the Land of 10,000 Lakes

and a teeny, tiny part of Canada.

You can't go there, I'm here.

I'm sorry I'm telling
you this on your birthday,

but they need me right now.

It's better pay, a bigger market,

and the-the weather is insane there.

They have eight different
kinds of precipitation.

Eight.

But what am I gonna do without you?

Your sobriety...

does not depend on one person.

You're gonna be fine.

(hums)

You're gonna be better
than fine. Give me a hug.

You don't do hugs.

I'm making an exception.

Come on.

This makes it so much worse.

Bonnie do you promise to love,
honor and cherish Adam

for as long as you both shall live?

Yeah, whatever.

And do you, Adam, promise to love,

- honor and cherish Bonnie...
- Yep. We done?

Um, you haven't exchanged rings.

What else?

Just the kiss.

Aw. That, right there...
That's why we do this.

I'm having trouble

- getting you both in. Could you ju...
- Take it!

Told you I'd marry you.

Yep, you really showed me.

I was so excited when I got
the call, within two hours,

I had quit my job and
packed up half the house.

Then Ralph comes home and
he's like, "What's going on?"

I realized I had told the kids,
and had not told the husband.

Luckily, he's an "up and
coming" mystery novelist,

so he pretty much has
to do whatever I say.

CHRISTY: ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Everyone, feel sorry for me ♪

♪ Everybody leaves me,
everybody leaves me ♪

♪ Everybody leaves Christy. ♪

Finally, I just said,
"Ralph, all you do all day

is write at Starbucks, and they
got those in Minneapolis, too."

Anyway,

I'm gonna miss each
and every one of you.

CHRISTY: But one of
you more than others.

That's all I got. Thank you.

Come on!

Let's hear it for Nora.

How are you enjoying the reception?

This is exactly how I pictured it.

(chuckles)

You know, it's possible
I was just hungry earlier.

So we got married
'cause you were hangry?

Oh. There were five
turning points in my life

where a sandwich would've
changed everything.

But then I wouldn't have Christy.

- At least I'm in good company.
- Mm.

Oh, my God. (chuckles)

I'm married.

You're married.

Everyone in this car is married.

- This day really took a turn...
- (whoops softly)

but I'm happy.

I'm happy, too.

Look at us, being happily married.

Dude, we are crushing this.

We could run a marriage seminar.
Ooh, like a weekend retreat.

Those are big moneymakers.

Charge couples 400 bucks to get in,

and then they have to buy my book.

You haven't written a book.

Well, how hard could it be?

Just knock out a sassy forward

and then steal from a
bunch of church pamphlets.

My wife is so scary.

All I heard is "my wife."

I mean, I'm glad it's your
sober birthday and all,

but why couldn't we go to the
bistro where the food's hot

and it's not all lasagna?

I told you I was bringing my lasagna.

I told you I was bringing my lasagna.

Seems like a thing that
could've been handled

through a series of Post-it notes.

I only remind people of things

they need reminding of.

Oh, I canceled a massage for this.

Christy, quick, change the subject.

- I hate myself.
- Okay.

Maybe Bjorn's still available.

I just handled things
with Nora so badly.

I can't believe that after
six years of sobriety,

I can still take someone's good news

and only focus on how
it negatively affects me.

The Germans call that gluckschmerz.

Bad feelings over someone's good luck.

It's the opposite of schadenfreude.

I guess you had a lot of
time to read in prison.

No, my cellmate was German. Hildé.

Good communicator, never left notes.

I want to be happy for
Nora, but I'm so much better

at feeling sad for myself.

I get it. Worst part about
being in beauty pageants

was when someone else won, and
I had to stand there smiling

and clapping like I was happy for them,

but the whole time, I'm thinking,

"Well, what the hell did I
sleep with that judge for?"

Christy, it's okay to be upset,

just don't rain on
someone else's parade.

You've gotta to act better than you feel.

Like I did when Marjorie
betrayed me with her lasagna.

Yeah, no matter how
much you're dying inside,

you got to flash that
big old Vaseline smile.

Vaseline?

Yeah. You put it on your
teeth so your lips don't stick.

And hemorrhoid cream
tightens up your eyes.

Once, when I was drunk, I switched them.

My face was shiny and my lips were tiny.

- Hi.
- Hey.

ALL: Hey...

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, we stopped and got married!

What?

Yeah, we did it in Reno
in a quickie chapel.

- Oh...
- But wait...

What about the wedding
you guys were planning

that we've been talking about forever?

- Eh, skipping it.
- I love my wife.

I love my husband. Mm...

Chris, you got a little gluckschmerz
on your face.

I forgot what these looked like when
they're not covered in Post-it Notes.

"Don't forget to rinse me.
Being dirty makes me sad."

Why don't we get 'em an
Insta-Pot and be done with it?

Too nice. People who didn't
invite us to their wedding

Don't deserve tender,
fall-off-the-bone meat

in less than an hour.

Yeah, I bought an outfit for
this wedding a long time ago,

and now I'm never gonna get to wear it.

Nobody else I know is
ever getting married.

I see you there.

There goes my chance to
shove cake in Adam's face.

- That's the bride.
- I know who's who!

She told me I was gonna be
the one to give her away.

Do you know how long I have
been waiting to give her away?

That's it.

I'm gonna get her these thingies

you put on snack bags.

They're called "chip clips."

I'm not showing off, it's just...

you need them when you live alone.

I thought this was
supposed to be a group gift.

It is.

You each owe me 75 cents.

Oh, come on, ladies, we're not gonna

punish Bonnie with her wedding gift.

Even though we should,
because they literally

wouldn't be together
if it weren't for me.

Ooh, everybody grab your phones.

It's a rare sighting of Mad Marge.

How many times did I
talk her off the ledge

when she was ready to blow
everything up with Adam?

I deserve to be a bridesmaid.

At the very least, recite a poem.

What happened to "act
better than you feel"?

Trust me, I am.

Well, now that we're
getting things off our chest,

where the hell are the
free samples around here?

I smell apple cider.

Where is it?!

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Keep coming back.

(cheering)

(sighs)

Christy. Alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Christy.

I want to thank the
women who gave me my cake.

If it wasn't for your love and support,

I wouldn't be standing here.

Or anywhere.

And that goes double for my mom, who...

You know...

I was gonna take this
cake the other night,

but I didn't, 'cause my mom wasn't here.

I didn't want her to miss

a big event in my life.

Silly me...

I thought it might hurt her feelings

to be left out of
something so important.

That's why I waited
until she was here...

So she could enjoy

how friggin' far I've come.

I've come really far.

Got that, Mom? Really far.

And you already shared, so suck it!

Yep, that's how I'm ending it.

- Do you believe this?
- Wait'll you hear mine.

Look, I am using and enjoying

my chip clips.

I know they were a gift of spite,

but I'm gonna go ahead and say it...

game changer.

Listen...

I need to say something.

I am sorry for the way I shared today.

It was not very "six years sober" of me.

Well, there was some chatter
about it at the cookie table,

mostly from me.

The truth is...

I'm just really hurt.

We have been through such
horrible stuff together,

and finally, something
wonderful happened

and you didn't let me be a part of it.

(sighs)

This may... come as a surprise,

given my delightful narcissism...

but deep down, I always
assume that what I do

doesn't matter to people.

You know, it-it just didn't occur to me

that anyone would care.

Well, that's stupid.

I cared a lot.

And it's not just me.

Everybody's upset they missed it.

I heard Marjorie share, I know.

Strange as it may seem,

people want to be a part of your life

because they love you.

He Honey, I am so sorry.

If I ever get married again,
I promise you'll be there.

- Mom?
- Yeah?

Can I please be the
next one to get married?

Everyone's mad at me.

I'll need more context.

Turns out I'm beloved.

There was, like, a Royal
Wedding level of interest

in seeing me get married.

You mean seeing us get married.

I don't remember anyone
mentioning you, but maybe.

Our wedding was a gigantic mistake.

- Well, that didn't take long.
- No...

I am serious. You really
screwed us this time.

- Me?
- Yeah. Pressuring me to get married.

And then tempting me with Arby's.

I mean, how could you
forget I have a daughter?

You forget all the time.

Well, she's devastated.

And what about my friends?

You certainly didn't think about them.

You robbed those people
of a moment of joy,

and they have so little
to look forward to.

So what do you want to
do... Have another wedding?

- Oh, like you'd do that.
- Of course I'd do that. I'd marry you

at the bar tomorrow in front of everyone

if it'd get you to shut up.

Well, I'll never shut
up. See you at 2:00.

- Fine!
- And fix that crazy hair.

Thank you for asking me to officiate.

Oh, let's face it... we
wouldn't still be together

if it wasn't for you.

Oh, that's a wild exaggeration.

Are you nervous?

It's my second wedding in three days.

I'm getting the hang of it.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Are you ready?

I can't believe I ever
did this without you.

- I'm so glad you're here.
- Me too.

Wendy?

(playing "The Wedding March")

Now I've got something
old, something new,

something borrowed and something weird.

(sighs) She's all yours.

No give-backs.

Ck Oh, God, I forgot my tissue.

No, Marjorie left me a
note to remember them.

She's the best.

Friends, we are here today

to witness a miracle.

Two lasagnas... seriously?

It's my signature dish.

It's my signature dish.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present

Mr. and Mrs. Adam and Bonnie
Plunkett-Janikowski!

(cheering)

(playing "When the
Saints Go Marching In")

(playing off-key)

Wendy, as beautiful as that is,

we've already picked out a song.

- Well, I'm here if you need me.
- Uh-huh.

Christy, C-7.

♪

May I have this dance, Mrs. Janikowski?

You may. (chuckles)

♪ Fly me to the moon... ♪

But we're gonna have
to talk about that name.

♪ Among the stars... ♪

Are you feeling good
or just acting like it?

I am genuinely happy for them.

- It's a very unfamiliar feeling.
- (chuckles)

Here's hoping you get used to it.

♪ Hold my hand ♪

Hey, I've been thinking. Mm?

I owe so much of my six years to you.

I... I was wondering if there's

- any chance...
- I would love to be your sponsor again.

- Really?
- Of course.

You've gotten a lot less
needy than you used to be.

Oh, God, I was hoping you'd notice.

♪ You are all I long for... ♪

Damn it! Got lasagna on my outfit.

- Whose lasagna?
- Whose lasagna?

I'm enjoying this.

Me too.

Where do you want our
third wedding to be?

Can a gal cut in?

Oh, I'll check back. I'm sorry.