02x11 - Get Real

[bunniefuu]

Mom, can you please take me
driving? Please please please?

No, honey. I'm making dinner.

- But you promised.
- I lied.

Welcome to life.

Look, kerry, could you just let your
driving obsession go for two minutes?

Your cousin c.j. Will
be here any minute.

Bridget: ew!

All right, excuse me.

If there's anything we
have learned this year,

It's the importance of family.

- And c.j. Is family.
- Ew!

- Stop it!
- Why should we care
about seeing him?

When we were kids,
he was a big, huge bully.

He stole my army men.

Yeah, and he took my
debbie doll to "entertain"

Rory's army men while
they were on leave.

They he blew 'em
all up with m-80s.

The boy is a bad egg, cate.

What's your
problem with him, dad?

I loaned him money for
his college education.

I didn't know c.j.
Went to college.

He didn't.

All right, that's him.

Now attitude
adjustment, everybody.

C.j. Is my sister's son.

So that's why we
have to like him?

No, that's why we have
to feel sorry for him.

I know he wasn't the best kid,

But people change.
And he's been in the army.

I'm sure he's grown up a lot.

- Aunt cate!
- C.j.!

Whoo!

This is it? This is
as big as we get?

Hey, everybody,
it's good to see you.

Yeah yeah, it's really great to
see you too. Can you take me driving?

Kerry.

Is that my grandpa?

Ha ha! Is that papa?

Gaga, it's me!

Please, don't get up.

How's that college
degree coming?

It's a funny story. I didn't go.

But I am paying you back.

In fact, here's a
little down payment.

It's not dope money, is
it? I don't take dope money.

- Dad. C.j., Just make
yourself at home.
- Thank you.

I'm gonna go check on dinner.

Don't worry, grandpa, I've done
quite well since I left the service.

Joined the carnival,
ran the tilt-a-whirl.

The tilt-a-whirl?

Oh, yeah, it tilts, it
whirls, it does it all.

Strap in, watch 'em heave.
Here we go, people, let's party!

Why the stink eye?

You blew up our toys.

w*r is hell, tiny. Butch up.

"$1,000 Or a big screen tv

Or a las vegas getaway

If you attend one
timeshare seminar."

Yeah, I guess you got to, uh...

Check out that timeshare
and buy a condo...

By tomorrow.

All right, everybody, come
on, let's sit down for dinner.

I think I'll pass.

Bridget, well, you
are really really...

Related to you.

Right, got any
friends who aren't?

- Can you take me driving?
- Nice try, raggedy ann. No, thanks.

So, c.j., You're really
here 'cause of our dad?

Oh, yeah, I loved uncle paul.

You know, he was the one who
drove me to the recruitment center.

He said, "join the army. It'll make a
man out of you. It worked for me."

Dad was never in the service.

Yeah... Wait, what?

Aunt cate, do you
mind if I say grace?

Well, my kids don't
usually do that,

But yeah, that'd
be a nice change.

It's nice when people
change, isn't it?

Everybody.

Dear lord, thank
you for the food

We're about to receive,
and thank you for...

I got to take this.

What's up?

You did not!

Oh, my goodness.

Amen.

It looks like c.j. Left
without kissing me goodbye.

Oh, come on, cate. I'm
crying on the inside.

In a second you'll be
crying on the outside.

He spent the night in his van.

Okay, everyone,
I need your help.

- It is candid picture
week at school.
- What's that?

It's when the yearbook staff takes
your picture when you least expect it.

They give me advance
notice every year.

Kerry, you might wanna
run a brush through that.

So I need help choosing
my candid poses.

Maybe tomorrow we can
narrow down colleges.

Mom, let's be serious for,
like, two seconds, okay?

All right, so here is me
chatting with friends.

Here is me studying
for a test for finals.

And here's me just being me.

And now do you looking mindless.

- What?
- You nailed it.

Oh, it's cold out there.

You mind if I plug this in and borrow
some electricity for a little space heater?

No, help yourself.

Can I borrow a
little space heater?

Why didn't you come
in the house last night?

- Somebody locked the deadbolt.
- Yeah, I know.

You know, why don't
you guys catch up

While I make breakfast?

Well, c.j., When are
you gonna be leaving?

- Dad.
- No, what I meant was,

How long is it gonna be before
you're not gonna be here anymore?

You left in a hurry last night.
What was the big emergency?

I happened to score
the last two tickets

For the aerosmith
concert this weekend.

You walked out on kate's dinner

To get a couple of tickets
to a rock and roll show?

I know you're excited, but I
only got two tickets, all right?

Mom, I'm not feeling well.

I'm not gonna go to school.

Oh, honey, you all right?

You know, there's a
stomach thing going around.

Yeah, oh, my stomach.

I'll just have my
eggs in my room.

Where's the tabasco?

All right, what's going on?

Nothing I can talk to you about.

Rory.

He's got that look again.

He needs a guy to talk to.

All right, I'll go.

He needs a guy to talk to today.

- Did you see that? Did you see that?
- I know, dad.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

I like what you've
done with the place.

Let me guess... Girlie mags
behind the headboard?

No.

Yes.

Listen, I know it's been a while

Since the whole army men...

But if you ever wanna talk.

There's this girl missy who's got these
eyes that make me forget how to walk.

And when I'm around her...

Easy, mary, let's skip
the walks on the beach.

Keep it surfacey. Okay,
she's hot, I get it. Continue.

She's got the prettiest eyes...

Uh-uh... Steady.

After we got done
studying last night,

We were saying goodbye
on her front porch

And I think she might
have wanted me to kiss her,

And I choked. I suck.

Dude, you ever try to kiss a girl and
she whips her head back real quick?

That is the worst. It's
happened to me, like, 5,000 times.

They would rather cr*ck their head
against the cement wall behind them

Than have your
gross lips touch...

Okay, mary, my story.

See, I've kissed girls before.

I've just never
kissed a girl that way.

You know, with the... Dude.

Don't... Don't do that.

There's this dance coming up.

I figure at some point, I
might have to, you know...

Dude, what did I just say?

Keep the tongue in
or I walk, all right?

It's just, I don't
wanna do it wrong.

It's a lot of pressure.

C.j., You've gone out
with a lot of girls, right?

Oh, yeah, lots...

Carny groupies, carny
groupie wannabes.

You know, kissing's
like anything else.

If you wanna get good, you gotta
practice. Lots and lots of practice.

You're pretty smart, c.j.

Well, you know, they don't
let just anyone in the army.

Really? I heard they did.

What?

Jeez, bridget, what is it?

You finally realize it's
all downhill from here?

My god, I knew it.

There is a huge volcanic growth
brewing at the end of my nose

Just seven hours before
my candid picture day begins!

Just cover it...
With a ski mask.

No, I need medicine. We
have to go to the drugstore.

Sometimes you can outsmart
them with a preemptive strike.

- What do you need me for?
- 'Cause it's dark
and I'm scared.

And I need you to buy it, because I
can't be seen getting zit medicine.

So let's go, come on.

- No. No.
- Please. Please!

Okay, I will go with you on
one condition: I get to drive.

No no, you only have your
learner's permit. It's too risky, no.

Yeah, so is being photographed
looking like a dalmatian.

I told you, you hit a pole.

I looked. I swear I
didn't see anything.

'Cause it was dark. I can't
believe I let you drive.

- Mom is gonna k*ll us.
- Ladies.

- Hi.
- Hello.

You know, your mom will never notice
that dent if you stand that way forever.

Whoa! No, you didn't.

Paint scrape, different
color, nervous teens.

Obviously, you did this
sneaking out last night.

Bridget, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.

- You drove. You let her.
- Prove it.

Seat's way up, mirror's
way down, been there.

I'm so impressed, mr. Carny man.

What are you gonna do
next, guess my weight?

101.

Why why why?

What could it be?

Ahhh... Hello, my
little red friend.

Wow, okay.

It's night, teenage
girl finds a zit,

And a doozy at that.

Mom won't let you out this late,

So it's midnight run time
for a little benzoyl peroxide.

Kerry, you get to drive,

But you have to buy the zit cream
'cause pamela here can't be seen

Buying that kind of goop. Should I
keep going or have you heard enough?

Where'd you learn to do that?

In the army studying
aerial photos.

In a split second
I had to decide...

w*apon of mass
destruction or just a dude?

Hi, what's everybody
doing out here?

Oh, no!

What happened?

I don't need this.

- Mom...
- We...

- I did it.
- Both: he did it.

- You?
- Yeah.

Sorry, it was late last night.

There was an emergency. I
didn't have time to unplug my van

So I borrowed your car. I found
it that way in the parking lot.

And they call it a
gentlemen's club.

C.j.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Why did you do that?
- Come on, you're family.

Blood is thicker than...
Oh my god. It's scaring me.

Mom.

I need you to sign this.
I'm kind of in trouble.

What is it?

"Improper displays of affection

In the halls without a pass"?

Did you kiss missy
in the hallway?

It wasn't missy.
It was robin radel.

She's always kind
of had a crush on me,

Plus I needed the practice.

You needed practice kissing?

You're a 14-year-old boy.
You're not supposed to be good.

C.j. Told me I should practice
kissing lots of other girls

So I'd be good when I
finally get my hands on missy.

Get your hands on...
C.j. Told you this?

Yeah.

Well, did he also tell you
that you'd be having a month

Of saturday detentions?

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Rory, give me a minute.

I love that c.j. I'm gonna
shout it from the rooftops.

Look, dad, we haven't
heard c.j.'S side

Of the story. And when we do,

Then we can wring his
scrawny little neck.

It's one thing to give someone
the benefit of the doubt,

But I cannot stand when a member

Of my own family is
lying straight to my face.

She was just practicing
her scared pose.

Good one, bridge!

What is wrong with you?

Kerry, she knows. She knows
everything. I can't take this anymore.

- I have to confess
everything right now.
- You are being hysterical.

- She knows we wrecked the car...
- Bridget!

Ow!

Calm down, bridget.
You're being paranoid.

No, I am not. Didn't you
hear her downstairs?

She said I can't stand a
family member lying to my face.

Look, if mom knew
we took out the car,

Why wouldn't she just
come out and say something?

Because she is toying with us.

She wants us to come clean,
but all we keep doing is lying.

And ow!

Hey hey, come on in, man.

Grab a seat on the bed.

I oughta mess you up, man.

It's really hard to be taken
seriously on this stupid bed.

Yeah, tell me about it.

This isn't funny. I took
your stupid advice

And kissed robin radel.

Oh yeah, how'd it go?

She said I opened
my mouth too wide.

Rookie mistake.

She said it was like
sticking her face in a bucket.

- If I had a nickel for every...
- The point is...

But then missy found
out I kissed someone else

And told me I could
forget about the dance.

She said she wouldn't kiss me
if I were the last guy on earth.

Rory, "I wouldn't kiss you if
you were the last guy on earth"

Is a rite of passage. Every
guy hears that at some point.

It's like, "you're
old and gross.

Ferrari doesn't make vans.

So help me, god,
take one more step

I'll bash your head
in with this rock."

You don't understand. Now missy will
probably hook up with someone else

At the dance and
forget all about me.

Come here. Look, rory,

I'm really really sorry that
that happened to you, pal.

But I kinda gotta get moving.

What am I gonna do about missy?

Can we talk about
it after the concert?

Or actually maybe,
in a couple days?

'Cause tonight's
gonna be really great

And this conversation seems like
it's got "buzz k*ller" written all over it.

But I'm gonna snag you a
light stick. How about that?

Rory.

Come on, man, we'll talk
on the way to the show.

- Where's rory?
- Hey, aunt cate.

Where's rory?

He's coming. He's in the van.

You told rory that he
could get a girl to like him

By practicing kissing
on another girl?

I told him to practice,
but I meant, like,

On his hand or in the mirror,

On plush toys.

You kiss plush toys?

No, you kiss plush toys.

You know, c.j., I
gave you a chance

Because I thought
maybe you had matured.

But it's become pretty obvious that
we were just another place to crash

While you followed
aerosmith on their tour.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Wow. Ouch.

Some birthday.

Now ask him for my money.

Cate: dad, please.

- Hi, mom.
- Hi, mrs. Hennessy.

Hi, missy. Did I tell you
you could go to a concert?

- I didn't. I went
to the school dance.
- What?

Rory was so cute. He
came in, brought me a rose.

I felt just like
"the bachelorette."

C.j. Drove me there. I
was too scared to go in.

Then he convinced me I should.

When I got there,
she looked so pretty

- I got butterflies
in my stomach.
- Steady.

Right.

- Sorry you missed
your aerosmith concert.
- That's cool, man.

- You didn't go?
- Anyway, I'm gonna
walk missy home.

Hey, don't you two take
french class together?

Shut up!

Wow, I can't believe you
gave up your concert.

It's no biggie.

Wow, these are
really good seats.

Yeah yeah.

No, I mean incredible seats.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, well, it has been
fun. Why don't you drop by

When you can stay
a little longer?

Look...

I may have worn out my
welcome here a little bit,

And I'm sorry.

And I don't wanna sound cheesy,

But I just always wanted

To be a part of a
family like yours.

I just kind of like
hanging out with you guys.

- Oh.
- Well, that was
kind of sweet.

Yeah, can you take me driving?

I'm sorry. That
just slipped out.

That really was sweet.

Now wait one damn minute here.

Before we all soften
up like a bunch of pansies,

You look me in the eye
and you tell me the truth.

Why did it take so long

To come pay your respects
to your uncle paul?

And, c.j., Be honest for once.

I was ashamed.

He was the only guy
who said I'd be somebody.

And I never was.

I almost called him one time
when I was running the tilt-a-whirl,

But all the parents freaked
out 'cause I was dialing

Instead of paying
attention to their kids.

I'll get out of your hair.

Where you gonna go?

Thought I might see my parents.

I thought they
weren't talking to you.

I meant from a distance.

I can re-up in the army.

Oh, wait, there's a w*r.

Technically, I don't
know where I'm going,

So I'll be fine.

All alone, me and my
little space heater.

That's my space heater.

C.j., Wait.

Look, the truth is

This family doesn't really know

Where it's going either.

So why don't you
stay a little while?

In the driveway.

All right, until you
can figure stuff out.

Can I have the key
to the deadbolt?

No.

You know, c.j.,

I have to say it is so
nice to see the real you.

But there's one thing we
value in this household.

It's the truth.

Honesty honesty honesty.

Okay, mother, stop it. Just
stop your mind-games right now.

- What?
- No, bridget, shut up!

I did it. I put the dent in
the car. It was my fault.

- No!
- Yes!

Yes, I had to get
zit cream one night

And she wouldn't go with
me unless she could drive.

So she got the dent in the
car and then c.j. Came out

- And he took
the blame for us.
- What?

Oh, I feel so much better.

Thank you for telling me
to be honest. Good night.

Wait one minute.

You snuck out at
night and you drove?

You don't even have a license.

And you covered
for the whole thing?

All right, okay. Everybody,
mass groundings.

You're not the boss of me!

Oh, you mean those
two? That's cool.

And you just asked him to stay.

Well, i... Well...

Wow, rory,

Where'd you learn
how to kiss like that?

My cousin.

Your cousin? Ew!

Wait, no. It's
not like it seems.

My cousin's a guy!