02x17 - Mall in the Family

[bunniefuu]

Hey, rory, what you
doing over there?

I typed up a list of stuff
I'm gonna sell online.

People will buy anything.

Rory, give it up.

No one's gonna give you
any cash for your crap.

Rory, you can't
sell all your toys.

These are your
childhood memories.

Mom, I've got a girlfriend now.

Childhood memories don't pay for
the movies, popcorn and the lattes.

Lattes?

Yeah, missy's an uptown girl.

I married an uptown girl...

All: and now I live in my
daughter's basement.

Well, I do.

Hey, von trapps, don't get up.

I think congratulations
are in order.

You're looking at the
new security consultant

- For franklin glen mall.
- You're a mall cop?

Bridget, listen to
me, it's not that hard.

I'm a security
consultant at the mall.

Wow, first college
and now a job.

You're almost ready
for big-boy pants.

You know, I dropped your comb

In the toilet this morning,
I was gonna tell you.

Mom, there's an art program
in europe this summer,

And our teachers
recommended a bunch of us.

It's only $2,000. Can I go?

Oh, only $2,000.

Well, sure, I'll just let
one of the houseboys go.

Hey, if she doesn't go, can
we get some houseboys?

Mom, I've always wanted
to see florence and paris

And immerse myself
in the art world.

She just wants to see the
statue of david's wiener.

- Real mature.
- Yeah, come on, rory.

- She wants to see
his butt too. Nice!
- Nice!

Come on, mom. Can I go,
please please please?

Well, honey, as compelling
as c.j. And rory's argument is,

And as much as I
would love you to go,

It's $2,000.

You know, when bridget needed
extra money, she got a job.

Oh my god!

I've never been used
as an example before.

Okay, well, no one is hiring.

What are you talking about?

There are "help wanted" signs
all over the food court at the mall.

Forget it. I will
never ever work

In a disgusting food court.

Welcome to davy crockett's.

Remember the alamo... Burger.

Oh, look at my little girl.

Her first job!

Her skin's gonna
break out so bad.

All right, honey,
smile. Say cheese...

Burger.

sh**t me, sh**t me now.

It's so humiliating that
kerry has to wear that.

I know. Couldn't you
at least get her a job

At strip rags or something?

Yeah, but then we
couldn't do this.

- Ew, red hair
in my burger!
- Ew-www!

Okay, stop it. It's
still not funny.

Hi, welcome to davy crockett's.

Remember the pie "alamode."

Ladies.

Bridget, I saw you
swipe that drink.

I didn't swipe anything.
Refills are free.

No no, ma barker. Let
me tell you something.

Only free refills
are free, okay?

Guess how much 35¢-refills cost.

Don't get a brain cramp.

Tell you what, I'm gonna let you
two slide on this one with a warning.

But I got my eye on you, okay?

- Hey, mr. Rent-a-cop, we're so scar...
- Hey, no no no!

What are you gonna
do, take us to mall jail?

- Don't you laugh at me.

Don't you laugh
at... Look at kerry.

Thank you. You're number 79.

Zac, what is going on?
We're out of fries again?

Okay, here's an idea.

When you take out one batch
of fries, put another one in.

It'll almost be like we're in
the business of selling them.

God, how did you
get this job, anyway?

I was like, "I need a job."

And they were like, "okay."

That's a fascinating story.
Now get back to work.

Hennessy!

- You're scaring everybody.
- Sorry.

No no no, don't be.

You know, kerry, I think
you've got what it takes

To make it in the
fast-food industry.

What's that, more
skills than zac?

I was gonna, like, ask you out,

But you can, like,
now forget it.

Don't worry about him.

He's still gonna ask
you out, but you can't go.

Because rank and file

Can't date assistant managers!

Assistant manager?

But I've only worked
here five days.

Yeah, and you
showed up for all five.

That's a new davy
crockett record.

So what do you think?

Well, I'm mortified.

This job was supposed to
get me to italy and france,

Not become my career.

- It's an extra
buck-50 an hour.
- Merci beaucoup.

Well, the money is rolling in.

I'm this much closer to a
night on the town with my lady.

Rory, wait a minute.

You've already gotten paid?

But all this stuff is still
sitting in the dining room.

You haven't even
sent it off yet.

Oh, I get it.

Maybe it's just too
hard to say goodbye

To piggy mcpig-pig.

No, it's just crap.

Even though he
was your first kiss?

- Shut up and it's she.
- Oh!

Besides, going to the post
office is just such a hassle.

It's gonna be even
a bigger hassle

When people start canceling their
checks, repossessing your couch,

Taking you to court,
leaving you no alternative

But to change
your name to initials.

Hypothetically.

Oh! You have no
idea how hard it is

To run an efficient
hamburger stand.

You're right. I wouldn't
know anything about feeding

A bunch of hungry
angry teenagers

Who want what they
want when they want it.

Let me tell ya, it's not easy.

You know, I just have
to say, I think it is great

That everyone in
this house is working.

Except grandpa! Slacker.

Now now. Grandpa has
worked his entire life.

Unlike you, who's worked
for what, five minutes?

Nonetheless, I'm very
proud of all of you.

It's not easy with all
these mouths to feed.

Are you listening, grandpa?

Is that what I am,
another mouth to feed?

Now now, dad,
it's just a saying.

Don't let c.j. Get
under your skin.

Yeah, c.j., When are you
gonna start contributing?

Now that you've got that
prestigious mall-cop job.

I don't even live here anymore.

I am totally self-sufficient.

By the way, this isn't chunky.

I can't even stop
by for a snack?

Oh no, come by anytime for
a $5 jar of peanut butter.

Look at "goodbye,
mr. Chips" over there.

He's got more food in the hair
on his chest than I eat in a month.

That is such a lie.

Well, now come on, dad.

You gotta admit,
you like your chips.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying that
you like your chips.

Okay, then don't
buy the damn chips,

If I'm such a burden,
such a mouth to feed.

It doesn't count that I spent 50
years providing for my family,

Sending you and your
sister through college.

Fine, I'll just get a job
like the rest of you.

Oh now, dad, don't be ridiculous.
You don't have to get a job.

You do plenty around
here. Come on, I'm just kidding.

For the record, when it comes
to chips, you're like a machine.

There must be someone
out there willing

To hire a man of my
experience in engineering.

Hey, kerry, don't you have that
we-hire-old-people program where you work?

Bridget, no, come on.

I think grandpa qualifies.
Can't you get him a job there?

You are the boss. He is old.

Bridget, grandpa
was an engineer.

There is no way he's gonna work

In the disgusting
food court in the mall.

Welcome to davy crockett's.

Remember the alamo burger.

Okay, dude,

Let me have a triple
alamo burger, dude.

What happened to "please," dude?

Please.

Is this yours, dude?

Whoa, dude,

I don't think I remember
ordering a side of 'tude.

Excuse me, jim, is
there a problem?

"Jim"? I'm your
grandfather, kerry.

Look, I'm sorry for any
trouble you may have had.

Jim, please apologize.

Apologize? I'd sooner
eat the food here.

Grandpa... Jim!

Look, I apologize.
Your meal's on us.

Zac, can you take the register?

Jim, can talk to
you for a second?

Only for a second. I got a
cigarette break coming up

And I'm getting a bit antsy.

What are you doing? You can't
talk to customers like that.

Don't yell at me, kerry. You
know, I changed your diapers.

Ew! Did you wash your hands?

Right now you work for me.

And where is your hat?

I don't like it. It
makes my head itch.

Besides, when I put it down,
zac threw it in the frialator.

He is such a cutup.

- Excuse me, ladies.
- Oh my god!

Shouldn't you and scooby doo be out
solving the mystery of the dead-end jobs?

- Is this her?
- Oh, yeah. That's her
all right.

She's the movie stealer.

I'll take it from here,
friend. Thank you.

Movie stealer? What
are you talking about?

Move it along, people.
Nothing to see here.

Hey, you!

I said move it along.

Nothing to see
in this parameter.

C.j., What are you doing? He's
gone. Now you can let me go.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

It would violate the oath
I took as mall security.

What oath?

The oath I took that says...

Blah blah blah,

$5.15 an hour,
blah blah... Let's go.

Oh, what the hell did I do now?

$137.50?

That can't be right.

Just give me five bucks.

Okay, you got me. Ha ha ha ha!

You think mall jail's funny?

It's not plugged in.

Shut up.

- I gotta be at work in,
like, five minutes, so...
- Should have thought of that

Before you stole two hours
of motion picture entertainment.

I didn't steal anything, okay?

Maybe I went to the
bathroom and when I came out

I accidentally went into the
wrong theater for a second.

Went into the wrong theater...

You think you're talking
to some stupid rookie cop

Walking a food-court
b*at for the first time?

Huh, sister?

You're in some deep
stuff here, winona.

Movie poaching is
a serious offense.

Why don't you make
it easy on yourself?

Avoid the needle,
start squawking,

Admit it!

I am not gonna admit
to something I didn't do.

Besides, what are you
gonna do, have me arrested?

Worse. We're gonna
ban you from the mall.

Hi, rory. You fixed the lamp.

Yeah, all it needed
was a new light bulb.

- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Calico cat lady 1274
is gonna love this.

Wait a minute. You
can't sell my stuff.

But I'm all out
of my stuff, man.

Now until you buy me more
stuff, I've gotta sell your stuff.

Are you insane, mom?

Crap doesn't grow
on trees, you know?

Am I insane?

Look at this. These are your
grandfather's reading glasses.

And bridget's hairbrush?

People pay a lot of money
for hair that thick and shiny.

People will buy bridget's hair?

People will buy
jessica simpson's hair.

Well, if it isn't my
little worker bees.

Dinner's gonna be a little late.

Don't worry about me.
I've got my own dinner.

- What's that?
- Alamo chicken nuggets.

Guaranteed 100%
pure chicken products.

No beaks.

That should keep this
mouth fed for a week or two.

And I'm gonna take my shower.

Cate, I'll be sure and keep time

So you can send me my
fair share of the water bill.

Dad, I was just kidding.

I don't care if you
take a 30-minute shower.

That wasn't a
30-minute shower. I fell.

Rory sold my chair.

Okay, what's wrong?

Nothing.

All right, kerry, I
have to start dinner.

- School or boys?
- I hate my job.

But, honey, you were feeling
so good about your promotion.

I know, until I found out I have
to give everyone an evaluation.

I supervise a bunch of slackers.

If I'm honest, I may
get someone fired.

Maybe some of those
people deserve to be fired.

There's this guy
who really sucks,

But I don't wanna
hurt his feelings.

Oh, honey, let me help.

Look, it's really sweet

That you don't wanna
hurt someone's feelings,

But even if one of your little friends
has to learn a tough life lesson,

It doesn't mean that you
should shirk your responsibility...

It's grandpa.

I gotta start dinner.

- Hey, dad.
- If you're coming
to collect the rent,

I don't get paid till
the end of the week.

You made your point, dad.

You can quit your job now.

Happy?

- I love my job.
- You do?

Well, yeah, I know what it
started out to be... Proving a point...

But I enjoy having
someplace to go

And spending time with kerry.

And tomorrow I'm on fries.

It's really sweet you like
spending time with kerry.

Yeah, it is.

But you're kind
of a pain in her ass.

Did she say that?

You know, I never liked
her, cate. She's the bad one.

Dad, of course she didn't
say that. That's why I did.

Look, this is kerry's first job.

And it's her territory.
She's doing so well.

You're kind of wrecking it.

I'm wrecking it?
I'm not that bad.

No, I'm not questioning
your ability to work,

It's just that your attitude
with the customers...

Yeah, all right, I hear ya.

I mean, this is kerry's
thing. She needs it.

I don't wanna be
the one to ruin it.

Well, I guess I could
turn in my nametag,

But zac threw it

In somebody's burger yesterday.

He's such a cutup.

All right, miss hennessy,
let's try this one more time.

- Where were you at 3:57?
- Watching the cameron diaz
movie.

- How'd she look?
- Good, I guess.

Was she in a bikini or jumping
around in her underpants?

What does that have to
do with me getting busted?

I'll do the interrogating.

You say you're in
the movie at 3:57.

That's funny.

'Cause the movie ended at 3:43.

Admit it, you left the
movie, walked down the hall

- And you snuck into
the keanu reeves one.
- No!

Banned from the mall, bridget!

You know what that means?

Nowhere to go after school.

You have to study and
do organized activities,

- Like band and glee club.
- Stop it!

Glee club!

Say the words... "I couldn't
stand the thought of missing keanu

In that tight biker outfit."

No, for the last time, no, okay?

Keanu was only in
it for five minutes.

He had this cheesy haircut that
made him look like a monkey. Oh no!

And she sang like a parakeet.

Look, please, you can't
ban me from the mall.

I'll do anything.

- Anything?
- Anything.

Rap for me.

I'm sorry, what?

You know, bust a rhyme.

And maybe make it
about how cool I am.

No no, I'm sorry.
I don't think so.

Great, have fun
cruising the mall online.

Fine fine.

I'll do it. Fine.

Fine, that's smart. I'll
lay down the b*at for you.

♪ Your name is c.j.,
You are so cool ♪

♪ Just got into
community college ♪

- ♪ School. ♪
- Yeah!

C.j., Some kids are
playing on the escalator.

Got it, okay.

What's she doing here?

There was an interrogation.

I thought I told you to charge
her the admission and let her go.

Yeah, we... Oh no, c.j.,

You're not still making
them bust rhymes, are you?

Wait, so you're not
banning me from the mall?

What are you talking
about? We can't do that.

Did you even read the oath?

All right, from the top...

Dude, I asked for this
with no onions, dude.

Yes, sir, right away, sir.

Oh. There you are, sir.

- Thanks.
- Come again, sir.

Grandpa, you handled
that perfectly.

It's easy, kerry.

When I say "sir," I'm
thinking "jackass."

Wow, you're like the
perfect employee.

Thank you, grandpa.

Grandpa? You didn't call me jim.

Isn't that against
company policy?

Are those the evaluations?

Kerry, you have
those evaluations?

Derek, you should know that jim
has shown remarkable improvement

Since I wrote this.

Oh, what a proud day. I'm
wearing a coonskin cap,

And I've shown improvement.

Okay, give them to me.

Kerry, you gave jim
the lowest score

In davy crockett history.

- In history?
- Yeah.

It's even worse than the guy
who whizzed in the frialator.

Kerry, you need to lighten up.

This is just a food court.

Thanks a lot, kerry.
You almost got me fired.

Well, I had to do my job. Besides,
mom said you don't need to work.

Well, maybe I do.

Maybe I'm saving up for
something very special.

- What, new knees?
- No, I don't make
knee money.

I'm saving up

For my granddaughter's
trip to europe.

That's so sweet.

I love you, kerrbear.

I love you too.

Now get back on your register!

Oh, for the love of...

Bridget, did I ever tell
you you're my favorite?

Grandpa, refills... 35¢, Right?

A little honesty...
Good for you.

Most people just
take 'em and go.

Yeah, well, I got caught
by the short arm of the law.

Good to see the lesson took.

No one's above the law.

- C.j.!
- I'm on my break.

Rory, could you set
the table for dinner?

Excuse me. I'm
trying to work here.

I'm auctioning off dad's
kirk gibson rookie card.

You know, there are fanatics
willing to pay big bucks for this?

You know, mister, I think you're
taking this a little too far.

Why? I figure if the saps
are willing to pay it...

Look, rory, this is not just
a stupid piece of cardboard.

Your father gave you
this and it meant a lot to him

And one day you may want to
pass this on to your children.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm gonna take
it off the market.

Yeah, I think that's a
good id... Hang on a second.

What's that number there?

That's the amount
of the latest bid.

It just went up.

Again.

Only a minute left. I better
take it off the market.

Touch that button,
I'll break your arm.

Mom, I think dad would
want me to keep it.

Yeah, he also wants
you to go to college.

Going once, going twice!

Sold!

This is so great. Go set the
table. We're gonna celebrate.

And let's use the
good silverware.

Yeah, about that...
Did you sell it?