02x20 - C.J.'s Party

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi.

Rory, were you guys just
playing video games all day?

No, we stopped to pee.

I schooled you!

- One more game.
- What do you say?

I'm such a girl.

There you go.

Mom, jenna invited me
to sleep over tonight,

So I'm going to. Okay,
thanks. Love you. Bye.

Whoa whoa, missy.

Are jenna's parents gonna be
home, and who else is gonna be there?

Take it easy, sipowicz.
It's just a sleepover.

Yeah, mom, it's
just a sleepover.

C.j., You don't have kids.

Oh, not that I know of.

Oh, good, mom. You're home.

- I need you to
take me driving.
- I just walked in the door.

But I need more
practice before my test.

I need you to take me now!

Okay, I'll take
you driving later.

Something funny, dad?

I don't know. The thought of you

Teaching somebody
to drive just tickles me.

Hey, I'm a good driver.

Tell that to the
doyle's mailbox.

Now now, be fair.

That mailbox swerved
in front of her.

Most of my friends have
never even seen an airbag.

You know, rory, it
snows a lot in michigan.

Besides, there are a lot of
indecisive squirrels on the road.

Not as many as there used to be.

All right, since you're
god's gift to the automobile,

You take kerry out.

Fine by me.

She can still be saved.

This I gotta see.

All right. I'll get a free
ride back to campus.

Big party at my pad tonight.

What are you celebrating,

Being the oldest man on campus?

You know it, sister.

With age comes an
appreciation of education,

- A maturity,
if you will.
- Shotgun!

No!

Well, kerry, I hope you
were watching closely.

That is how you drive a car.

We're home. Rory, it's home.

No offense, grandpa,
but can you see?

You almost hit a dog.

That dog wasn't on a leash.

He was on the sidewalk.

And you're really not supposed
to be flipping people off.

Oh, I was just signaling some thug
on a motorcycle to stop tailgating me.

Grandpa, it's the thug.

License, please.

Is there a problem, officer?

Oh, where do I begin?

Speeding, rolling
through stop signs,

Flipping me off.

Now, your license.

Here you are, sir.

And remove the dollar
bill wrapped around it.

What dollar... Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is an expired
florida license.

If you want to
drive in michigan,

You have to take
our driver's test.

What's so funny?

Oh, just the thought of you

Taking your driver's test

Kind of tickles me.

Officer, do you know how
many squirrels she's k*lled?

Ladies, babies,
cuties, how are you?

My party, my pad.
I'll be here all night.

Big steve, what's
up? Funnels later?

For sure. You're so cool, dude.

Hey, what's the lady
lowdown, rooney?

Yeah, so you see
haley over there?

- Yeah.
- Fresh off a breakup.

I'd go after her myself but I
just spotted this talent outside.

Ooh, nice. Thanks
for the tip, martha.

Wounded beauty seeks
shoulder to cry on. I like it.

Cover me. I'm gonna run in
the back, do some pushups.

There she is. I
gotta get to work.

Dude, that's my cousin.

Hey, I saw her first.

- What are you doing here?
- Why are you wearing
that hat?

- 'Cause it's cool.
- No, it's not.

- Five people said it was.
- Where are they?

They left. What
are you doing here?

Remember how you were printing
those flyers off our computer?

Well, I kind of saw it and I
kind of showed it to my friends,

And we all decided to
kind of surprise you.

- So, surprise!
- Surprise!

Surprise! Leave.

Oh my god, who's that?
He's so ashton kutcher.

Jailbait, I'm talking
to you guys.

Look, I'm taking you
back to jenna's right now.

Haley, meet c.j.

Your head, my shoulder.
Tell me secrets.

And you stay away
from my roommate eric.

He's after one
thing. He's a pig.

- Haley: c.j.
- Just a second.

I have to go before she
gets her self-esteem back.

How can I help?

These two girls in the bathroom,

They told me that my ex
was hooking up with them

The same time he was dating me.

Wait. You're telling me

There's two other hurt girls
here, now, in my bathroom?

What, did I rub a magic
lamp or something?

How are you feeling?

You know what I feel like doing?

I feel like getting even,

Hooking up with
the first jerk I meet.

Technically that's me.

Hold on one second,
and please don't cheer up.

Is that beer in
those cups, children?

For the last time we
are not drinking beer.

Hand over them cups, in case
you plan on spiking them later.

Spiking them? What's that?

Nice try, boozy suzie. Cups.

Soda pop.

Diet soda pop.

Cran-raspberry.

Ow! Hot coffee!

You could have warned me.

Listen, haley is very
important to me right now.

Stay here, behave, and
stay away from sleazy eric.

- Hey, dude.
- Yo.

Where were we? You were gonna
get even with your boyfriend.

And he's out of state, I hope?

You know what? I'm going
to have one wild night,

Just like he did.

How wild?

I mean, should I stretch? Oh.

No!

You just got beer
all over my new shoes!

- So it was beer!
- It was?

All right, josie, you and the
pussycats are out of here.

Sorry, mom. I'd help you but I
gotta keep studying the manual.

Dad, why aren't you studying?

"'Cause I've been driving
for over 50 years!"

Have you?

I don't think so.

You still need to study.

- A lot's changed since
you first got your license.
- Like what?

You can't sh**t buffaloes
from your car anymore.

And they have engines now. They're
not foot-powered like "the flintstones."

Oh, a family full of comedians.

I feel like I'm sitting here
with red buttons and jack oakie.

Topical.

Okay, grandpa,
let's test you out.

True or false? Honk your horn to show
other drivers when they make a mistake.

- True.
- False.

Honking may upset them so
much they make more mistakes.

That's ridiculous. How the
hell are they ever gonna learn?

Dad, you are so taking the bus.

All right, that's
it. I am out of here.

I'll go read my paper in peace.

No, wait. Okay, what do you do
when there's a funeral procession?

It depends. How well
did I know the deceased?

Grandpa, you don't
know them at all.

Then to hell with 'em.

- Hey, mom.
- Hi, bridge.

How was jenna's last
night? Did you girls have fun?

Yeah, it was fine. We just
went to see a boring movie.

What movie did you see?

You know, it was so
boring I don't remember.

You only don't remember
movies when you're with a guy.

So, uh, who was in it?

Um, yeah, that was
in the... Monkeys.

There are no monkey
movies currently playing.

I think I would know.

Thanks, rory. She fooled me.

Rory, would you take this
down to the basement, please?

All right, bridget, you and I
have got to talk about this.

A little weird, but whatever.

What are you doing to
my sock, you little perv?

Nothing. I just find it
interesting, and, well, odd

That it smells
exactly like beer.

What?

Give me that.

Oh, my god, it does
smell like beer!

What is going on?

It's this new beer
perfume. The guys love it!

Nice try. I was your age once.

I invented beer perfume
and monkey movies.

You mean we're rich?

I want the truth now.

It might have something to do with
this flyer printed off our computer:

"C.j.'S beer bash."

Beer on bridget's sock.

Beer bash.

Sock.

If only we knew who
this c.j. Fellow was.

- Rory, laundry.
- No, rory happy.

So this is where
you were last night...

C.j.'S college party where
they were serving beer?

You were there? You should
have said something. I didn't see you.

- Bridget.
- Yes, I went. Whatever. I didn't drink.

Yes, but you lied
straight to my face.

You are grounded, young lady.

Rory: take away
her cell phone too!

Shut up, monkey-movie lover!

This is unfair. I should
be able to do whatever...

I do not want to hear
another word about it.

End of discussion.
Now go to your room.

And you cannot have
that cell phone either!

Rory yells: sweet!

Well, I'm gonna
skedoodle. I got some...

What am I supposed
to think about this, c.j.?

You heard her lie straight to
my face about going to jenna's.

You knew that she was not
supposed to be at that party.

Look, she just showed up
and then she wouldn't leave.

There was a smokin'
hot girl after me

And I blew her off to
keep an eye on that one.

You call that responsible?

In my defense, you didn't
see how hot she was.

That's it, c.j. I've had it.

Every time my
children are with you

They get into trouble.

And I just can't let
it slide anymore.

You... You're banished.

What, are we going
back to the middle ages?

- You're serious?
- Uh-huh.

I just think we will
all be better off

If you don't come around
this house for a while.

How long is a while?

A day?

Two?

Longer?

Fine. You know what? I
don't need this dummy house.

I won't bother you anymore.

I don't need to be hanging
out with a bunch of teenagers

And I certainly have more
mature friends at school.

I'm so psyched! Can
you believe it, mom?

I'm actually getting
my license today.

No more embarrassing
rides in the minivan with you.

I'll miss them too, honey.

Dad, how about you? You
happy to get your license back?

Yep. No more embarrassing
rides in the minivan with you.

Oh, no no no. That's c.j.

Just let the machine pick up.

Hey, it's c.j. Again.
Anybody there?

Aunt cate? Bridgie?

Kerry? Rory?

Grampy, if you're there,
limp over and pick up.

I hope you guys aren't
screening my calls,

Standing around
staring at the phone.

That would be embarrassing.

Seriously, no one's there?

Okay, bye.

Mom, please let him come back.

I miss having a worthy
video game opponent.

Grandpa's reflexes are sh*t.

No.

Oh, come on, mom. It was
kind of like having a family pet

In a giant human suit.

No, not after he was such
a bad influence on bridget.

Yeah, like that was the first
college party I've ever been to.

Explain, please.

Okay. We went to the party uninvited
and c.j. Tried to get us to leave.

But you cannot reground me because
you should have already figured that out.

C.j. Had to have
something to do with this,

He just had to.

His name keeps coming up.

Dad, back me up.
Did I overreact?

I do miss having someone
to swing my cane at.

Oh, not again.

Oh, aunt cate, I
forgot one thing:

I wuv you.

Seriously, you're not there?

All right. Bye.

Okay, you may begin.

Please bring your tests
to me when you're finished.

Good luck.

I'll be fine.

Pssst.

Pssst!

Ow!

What are you doing?

Just let me take a peek.

What? No way.

Just give me the answer to #1.

And #2.

Come to think of
it, #3 is a mindbender.

Grandpa, I'm not cheating.

No talking during
the test, please.

That's just what
I was telling her.

- Hey.
- I said no.

Oh, stop being such
a goody-two-shoes.

I'll buy you a car.

Now you're bribing me?

I told you a million
times to study.

Hey, I thought I
said no talking.

Dude, what are you doing home?

I thought you said you
were out doing laundry.

Yeah. All the machines
are full. It sucks.

I'm just gonna go
commando for a while.

What's with the deer
in the headlights?

Oh, you got a chick
here, dude? Score!

Eric, your
bathroom is disgust...

Flag on the play!

C.j.! I came by
because I missed you.

Lie one! You came by to see him.

And dude, I told
you to stay away.

Yeah, well you also said
you were doing laundry,

So who's the liar now?

Don't tell my mom,
please. She'll k*ll me.

Of course I'm not! We gotta
get you out of here right now.

C.j., It's aunt cate.

- Bathroom.
- But it's gross!

Hide! You too.

- Hey, aunt cate.
- Hey.

Did you do something to
your hair? It looks great.

Look, c.j., I just
wanted to, uh...

I may have been a little hard on
you, and it just got me to thinking...

You know what? Apology
accepted. I'll walk you out.

No, I wasn't necessarily
going to apologize.

You see, I'm a single mom now...

And you should be out there
circulating. I'll walk you out.

And because I'm a single mom,

I need all the help I can get.

I need you to be on my side

And tell me when my
kids are lying to me.

You mean rat 'em out?

Come on, I'm, like, their
cool older cousin.

Uh, no you're not.

I just can't have you helping
bridget to sneak around.

I'm kind of cool. I mean,
I'm not like big steve,

But when I got the hat
crooked, it actually works.

Look. Bridget is 17 going on 25.

And she is bound to
get into some trouble.

You could be responsible.

Okay, so let's say

She was here in the bathroom
with a guy or something.

That's something
you'd want to know?

Oh, yeah. That is exactly the
kind of thing you should tell me.

It's your lucky day.

What?

Bridget, get out
here this second...

- Bridget!
- Mom, you should have
banished c.j.

He's a terrible influence.

When I got home she
was already here.

- You are so uncool.
- I'm kind of cool.

We were just cleaning.

Bridget, what is a 17-year-old
girl doing in a college boy's room?

17? We're just friends.

Yeah, mom, is there a rule
against me seeing friends?

Eric is a very nice
guy and very smart.

Tell her about the
toilets in australia.

Yeah, when you flush, the
water swirls the other way.

For that?

If I may? This will go over big.

So eric, you guys are
buddies. That's awesome.

Can you tell us three
things bridget's interested in?

Besides herself.

You mean you can't name one thing
after all our phone conversations?

How can I believe anything that
comes out of your mouth, you jerk?

And you probably lied about
the magic toilets in australia.

Bridget, go home.

We'll talk about this later.

All right. Problem solved?

- Thanks, c.j.
- Thanks, c.j.

- I thought you were cool.
- I'm kind of cool, damn it!

Whatever. I let you crash here.
Now pack up your crap and get out.

- Fine. I'm moving back
in with aunt cate.
- Oh, no no no no.

I'm gonna get my stuff
and get out of here.

Oh, no, uh... I'll
send for it. Let's go!

I promise this
will be temporary.

I'll get on the apartment
waiting list tomorrow.

How long is temporary? A day?

Two?

Longer?

Yes! You're back! It's go time.

I'm gonna smoke you, dude.

Wait. Did you clean your room?

No.

Upstairs.

Clean behind your ears
and say some prayers.

Please, you don't have
to be sickening about it.

Hey mom, don't
ground me, please.

I'm not.

Oh wow, it worked.

Mom, give me $20, please.

Tomorrow you're
gonna help me garden

And clean the rain gutters.

What about my nails?

Yeah, you might want
to cut those back.

This is all your fault.

Hey, I just realized
what c.j. Stands for:

Benedict arnold.

That one really hurt,
if it made sense at all.

Bridget, you must believe me.

I know it's hard but I did what I did
because I actually care about you.

C.j.

Bridget, nails.

Nails, bridget.

Get upstairs!
You're nailed! Ha ha!

Cut 'em down!

See? I'm more adult already.

You see this is what I mean

About needing all
the help I can get.

This is just really really hard.

My daughter just ended up
at some college with a guy

And I was clueless.

What kind of parent is that?

Well, if it matters,

I had two parents growing up

And you could run circles around
both of them on your worst day.

You're a great mom.

You really think so?

But you're only gonna
get it out of me once.

I'm gonna go get settled.

Well, congratulations,
new driver!

I failed!

I passed.

Wait. You failed and you passed?

I failed because of him!

The teacher busted
me for talking

When I was telling grandpa
to stop cheating off me!

Now I have to wait
to take the test again!

Well, you just have
to try harder this time.

Oh, and I suppose you passed

Because you're a
world-class driver!

Well, I guess this proves it.

You want to see
what one looks like?

Look at that grin on your face.

You child.

Well, try to wipe it off.

C.j.'S moving back in
the basement with you.

You're bluffing.

Is that grampy I hear?

Me and you, buddy,
back in the basement!

Roomies! We're gonna
tell stories, stay up late...