02x21 - Mother's Day

Episode transcripts for the TV show "8 Simple Rules". Aired: September 17, 2002 - April 15, 2005.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Series follows middle-class parents Paul and Cate, raising their three children Bridget, Kerry and Rory Hennessy.
Post Reply

02x21 - Mother's Day

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey, girls.
- Both: hey.

Wow. You went grocery shopping.

What a pleasant surprise.

We also did the wash.

Yes, and took out the trash.

That is so sweet.

You know, I'm not
buying you cars.

We know.

We did it because we love you.

Seriously, I am not
buying you a car.

Heeki keeki, moki.

Milaki, aliki.

Moki? Aliki? I remember that.

That's that secret language
you made up when you were little.

Yes. I invented it.

Because she couldn't quite grasp

The one that everyone
else was speaking.

Oon alaki.

That was so cute
when you were five.

Both: mooku booku.

I said when you were five.

Now wait a minute.

You know, you only spoke that
way when you were up to something.

Mom, we're just playing
around. Lighten up.

Yeah, we're just joking.

Oh, chips. Fork 'em over.

You guys did buy a lot of chips.

No vegetables?

The chips are potato and corn.

As I recall... Vegetable.

So what did you do today, dad?

Oh, boy, I had a busy day.

I woke up, I shaved...
And here we are.

I started to take a nap,

But kerry and bridget
woke me up doing laundry.

Oh, grandpa, yeah.
We're sorry about that.

So we got you some
earplugs at the market.

Well, that's very
considerate, girls.

I'm not buying you cars.

Just put those in, and you won't be
able to hear any annoying sounds.

Hey, grandpa.

What's shaking besides
your hands? Heh heh.

I can't hear him, but my
sense of smell is heightened.

Hey, mom.

- Hi, honey. Where you been?
- Putting up flyers.

Don't worry, we found grandpa. He
was in the basement the whole time.

I'm going into business.

Inside and out, $10.

Call rory, the car wash king."

I am the king.

Yeah, well, the king's
getting hosed, dude.

Cheap detail goes
for at least 30 bucks.

And it's back-breaking work.

Believe me, I've
watched those guys.

It just means rory will
get more customers.

Forget it. I'm not
getting ripped off.

I'd better go get those flyers
back before someone gets my...

Don't anybody get...

Home of the car wash king.

Motor homes? Sure,
bring her on down.

How much for the
best room in the hotel?

How much for the next best?

Next best?

Next best?

Oh, is that one indoors?
We'll take that one.

- Champagne? Do we like champagne?
- Oh, we love champagne.

What's this about champagne?

I can't drink champagne.
Can't you see I'm underage?

- We've been getting
calls like that all day.
- And seeing little spots?

What, just me?

You know, girls, you're
still not off the hook.

Mom, we're not
doing anything, okay?

Moomoo boka naki?

Steeki poopoo kookoo!

What the hell is
all that gibberish?

Cate, that is
gibberish, isn't it?

Yes, dad, it's just nonsense
that the girls made up

To keep secrets
from paul and me,

Like when they stole cookies.

But you two are up to something.

Dad, maybe you can
help me figure it out.

We have cookies?

Don't worry, aunt cate.
I can figure this out.

It's no different
from army intel,

Putting the pieces
together, cracking the code.

And then bam! Yeah, over here.

You're dragging
the ace of spades

Out of his little hidey-hole.

Oh, please.

Yes. I heard steeki poopoo.

Hmm. Sounds familiar.

I think it's a root
word meaning "to farm,

To cultivate, to
govern" and such.

You're a moron, c.j.

- Tootles!
- Yeah, tootles.

Yes, tootles, tootles...

- Possibly an adverb.
- C.j., You just keep
working on that.

- Yes.
- Dad, they are
up to something.

I know it.

I mean, shopping,
laundry, cleaning?

Maybe they're just being sweet
girls because you raised them right.

Oh, please.

Look, dad, a mom's
instincts are never wrong.

Being a parent is a little
like being a detective.

I'm going to get to
the bottom of this.

Tootles. Tootle-loo.
Tootle, tweedle...

Tweety bird! There's something.

Hey, rory, how's the
car detailing going?

- It sucks. I'm quitting.
- No no no no no.

No grandson of mine
ever quit at anything.

Well, no grandson
of mine who's in my will.

Oh no, I was looking forward
to the basement estate.

Grandpa, detailing's way too
much work for 10 measly bucks.

A man of his word
meets his obligations.

Fine, I'll finish the cars
I already have booked.

But then I'm hanging up my hose.

If you're gonna make the kid
work his fingers to the bone,

At least you could
volunteer to help.

I did help. I just gave him
my man-of-his-word speech.

That is worth gold.

Sweet, another
treasure I won't inherit.

C.j., Did you see
that pile of change

That was in this guy's ashtray?

Hey, whoa.

The tone of your voice
is very accusatory.

- I didn't say you stole it.
- You're looking at me
like I did.

- Like you're eyeballing me.
- Just put it back!

Jim: how's it going out there?

Oh, great.

I've been working 20 hours
and I've made 20 whole dollars.

I made more than
that in five minutes...

In something un-ashtray related.

Jim: would you look at that?

You know what? Works better
if you're holding one of these.

A '59 studebaker power hawk.

This is the first new
car I ever owned.

It turned as many
heads as laura.

Oh, the times your
grandma and I had in this.

Jim and laura in the
backseat, getting down.

Jimbo the stud, down
and dirty with laura.

Gross.

Getting worked up
thinking about grandma.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, I'm just gonna
turn it over

And give a listen
to that engine.

Hear that?

Uh-oh. You hear
that pinging noise?

Yeah. Turn it off.
Leave it alone.

I'll tell you what, guys,

Why don't you just take a break?

I'd be honored if you'd let
me wash and wax this one.

Consider yourself honored.

Heh heh heh. Right on.

By the way, don't
forget. Wax on, wax off.

Like ralph macchio.

Remember in "the karate
kid," he was the guy with the...

Oh, forget it.

Bridget: ♪ who's the girl
with the pretty hair? ♪

♪ Bridget, bridget ♪

♪ Who's the girl that makes
boys stare? Bridget hennessy! ♪

Honey, are you affirming
yourself in the shower?

Mom!

Well, I did your laundry.

I thought I'd put
it away for you.

Thanks, mom.

Where's your sister?

Out. Back in an hour.

Okay.

Honey, are you okay with
me putting your stuff away?

You know how I like to
respect your privacy.

Love you for it, mom.

♪ Lather, rinse, repeat,
lather, rinse, repeat ♪

♪ Do it twice and
my hair smells nice ♪

♪ Lather, rinse, repeat. ♪

My suitcase?

Hotels?

Mom, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing, honey,
just the laundry.

You know, mom stuff.
Bridget said I could.

Bridget, get out here!

Gotta go.

Bridget: and now on to the legs.

♪ Who's the girl with
the pretty legs? ♪

♪ Bridget, bridget... ♪

- Thanks for the burger, c.j.
- Hey, don't thank me.

Thank the guy who
left all his change in...

You're welcome.

I can't wait to get out of
the car-detailing business

- And get into where
the real money is.
- Both: night crawlers.

What? Grandpa, what did you do?

I took the engine apart.

Hey, did you find
any spare change?

What? Are you insane?

Well, I'm not crazy. I'm
trying to find the ping.

I think we should probably
let the cat scan decide that.

Grandpa, I can't believe you.

You're supposed to
be a man of your word.

You were supposed
to just wash the car.

Would you just trust me, rory?

I can put this together
blindfolded in an hour.

Last night you had
trouble with a straw.

I thought it was a
bendy. It kept closing off.

Make sure you have that package
available and then call us back.

Oh, and if a tall woman
answers the phone, just hang up.

Hurry hurry hurry hurry.

- - Hey, girls. What's so funny?

- Nothing.
- Girls, what's so funny?

Hello?

Uh, what?

I don't know, about 5'8".

Hello? Hel-hello?

Cate?

This didn't come out
of your car, did it?

No.

Damn it.

Dad, you haven't
noticed anything

Unusual going on
around here, have you?

No.

I mean with the girls.

They are up to
something, I just know it.

Don't let them drive you crazy.

I used to worry myself sick
over you night after night,

And nothing happened, right?

Right.

Man, karma blows.

Hello, cate.

How long have you been there?

Bridget, kerry; kerry, bridget.

What do they covet most, cate?

Boys?

Yes. Many many boys.

But this still doesn't
make any sense.

I was just upstairs
in their room...

Snooping, clarice?

Cleaning. And I
found my suitcase

And then these websites
to various hotels.

Hmm.

Suitcase, hotel, boys... Hmm.

One banana, two banana,
three banana, four.

What we have here,
cate, is a trash and dash.

What's that?

An underground party
thrown every year

By the cool kids at school.

They rent a fancy hotel suite,

Throw a big party,
trash the place,

Then dash out without paying...

Trash and dash.

You did that?

I said the cool
kids did it, all right?

I asked my friends about it.

They're like, "no, it's a myth."

Actually that makes sense...
Champagne, hotel rooms,

The cool kids didn't invite you.

That's it. Thanks, c.j.

You have to admit it, cate.

The world's a more
interesting place with me in it.

C.j., Why are you
talking like that?

I don't know.

This may be the coolest
thing we've ever done.

I can't believe we're
actually gonna pull it off.

- Watti mama bobo.
- Hiki mama bobo.

Okay, so you told room service

To have an ice
bucket waiting, right?

Of course, what do you
think I am, a hiki kiki koko?

All right, that's it. That's it.

- No more secret language.
- What about our freedom
of speech?

You don't have that anymore.
Now what do you say to that?

Wamma damma ding dong?


You just called bridget a slut.

I'm sorry. Now don't
play dumb with me.

I know that you are
going to that fancy hotel

For that trash-and-dash party.

Trash and dash.

Then how do you explain those hotel
websites you've been surfing all week?

And what do you
need with champagne?

Oh, and mysterious phone
callers calling to see how tall I am.

I'd like an answer, girls.

- Mom, what's this weekend?
- It's mother's day.

This is for you
because we love you.

"One deluxe spa weekend
with overnight stay

In the tranquility suite,
champagne breakfast in bed."

You can't afford this.

Well, we saved up.

Grandpa pitched in
and rory gave us a ten.

Yeah, and c.j. Gave
us a bag of nickels.

So you're telling me that
if I open up my suitcase,

I'm gonna find...

All my things.

Oh, girls, I'm... I'm
so embarrassed.

And I just thought I was
such a damn good mother.

Aw.

So you got a little conceited.

How could I ever have
been so suspicious?

Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you.

Yes, people that talk in code

Are never hiding anything.

Or are they?

Hmm... Tootle-loo; tweety bird;

Shannon tweed; shannen doherty;

"90210;" Luke perry...

Grandpa, you said
it'd only take an hour.

Rory, did I ever tell you

I drove my royal deluxe
clear across the country?

No. Why don't you tell
the guy on the phone

Who's wondering
where his car is?

Yeah, we met an
indian medicine man.

Oh, jeez. C.j., Can you help me?

Jennie garth;
gabrielle carteris;

Tiffani thiessen...
Tiffani amber thiessen.

We are so doing time.

Grandpa, c.j., The owner.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, we were just making

A last sweep of the interior.

What happened? We
just kind of dozed off.

And snuggled.

Don't you run away
from your feelings.

May I just get my
car? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, gross... Grandpa drool.

No no. I didn't deliver
on time as promised.

It's on the house.

Gotta be a man of my word.

Well, you did a nice job.

Baby looks great.
Here's a tip for you.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Hey, wait a minute.
What's going on here?

There wasn't any
change in there!

No, I mean the engine
is... Is not pinging?

Yeah.

You know, some chump was gonna
give me a grand for this old heap.

I'll give you a grand right
now. This is my dream car.

Sorry. I mean,
listen to that engine.

I wouldn't let old betsy here
go for anything less than five.

Grandpa, he tipped me 20
bucks. Boy, you were right.

- Being a man of my word really...
- Oh, put a sock in it.

Okay, girls, the
number for the spa...

Girls: is on the bulletin board.

Mom, we know. Come on.

Go, have a good time.

Not so fast.

Before you go, I think you should
know I broke your little code.

Oh yeah, and it was so simple.

What is "spa" spelled backwards?

"Apes," and that
means monkey business.

It spells "aps."

This isn't over.

- I am so exhausted,
I'm going straight to bed.
- We're gonna do some vacuuming,

So you might want to use
those earplugs, grandpa.

Good idea. I've been wanting
to test drive those babies.

You enjoy yourself, cate.

Thanks, dad. Bye.

Well, that's weird.

Travis stevens just
invited me to stay over.

Travis stevens?

Isn't that the brother of
bridget's friend marissa?

I didn't even know
you were friends.

We're not. I hate him.

But he's got a home
theater in his basement

And all we've got
is a grandfather.

All righty then. What are
you girls up to tonight?

We rented a movie.

Oh, what movie?

We rented "evergreen." I
hear it's totally fresh and fun.

All right. Well, I'm
off to la bella pax spa.

- Bye, honeys.
- Bye.

- Merci beaucoup.
- Have fun.

That is so cute. Mom's trying
to make up her own language.

Oh, this... This feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

I feel as comfortable
as a giant baked potato.

All right, while
you ladies relax,

The seaweed and the eucalyptus

Will soak all of the
toxins out of your body.

Where are you going?

To preheat the oven.

God, I hope she works here.

Oh, best present my
husband ever gave me.

My girls did this
for me... Mother's day.

Aw. Teenagers?

Yeah. It's not like I
really deserve it.

I haven't been the
best mother lately.

Boy, if my teenagers sent
me away for the weekend,

Oh ho, it wouldn't be five
minutes before a party started.

Oh my god.

I know, I was in heaven

When she took care of my corns.

Corn?

Bridget: the chips
are potato and corn.

Kerry: we rented "evergreen."

I hear it's totally
fresh and fun.

Cate: overnight stay
in the tranquility suite.

Travis stevens just called
and invited me to stay over.

We're gonna do some
vacuuming, so you might

Want to put your
earplugs in, grandpa.

What do they covet most, cate?

Many many boys.

Oh, those girls,
they are so dead.

- Mom?
- Mom.

- Is everything okay?
- What's going on?

Well, i, uh... I just, uh...

You know, I realized
that I forgot to...

Forgot to what, mom? Trust?

You couldn't even spend
a weekend of pampering

Without thinking we
were up to something.

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. Forgive me?

- Sure, mom.
- Yeah, forgiven.

Just know somebody
missed getting

- A truffle on
her pillow tonight.
- And that someone was you.

I am a terrible
mother. Come here.

Come here.

Now what should I do?

Should I drive back to the spa?

- Absolutely.
- Yes, you totally
deserve it.

Okay.

Come here, my angels.

Okay, bye-bye.

She's gone!

Mom, seriously, this trust
thing, you have got to work on...

Surprise!

Happy mother's day!

Nice try.

All right, everybody
out of here.

Say good-bye to moki and aliki.

You won't be seeing
them for a while.

Good night. You
can just keep it.

Bye.

Call me.

So, mom, how'd you know?

How did I know?

Because I am a damn good mother.

Okay, I broke the
code. I broke the...

They're having a party?

That would make more sense.
Post Reply