02x22 - The Principal

[bunniefuu]

Guess what?

You got a job delivering
the world's largest pizza?

No. It's a massage table,

Which means I got into
beginning massage techniques.

Yeah!

See, if you went to george
romney community college,

You'd know that's
kind of a big deal.

Congratulations.

The world needs
more geisha girls.

All right, yeah.

Massage happens to be the
fastest growing industry in america.

Yeah, people are dying
to get rubbed down.

By you? Come on, c.j.

The thought of you touching
strangers is why people carry mace.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

Oh, great. The sink
is leaking again.

Rory, call the plumber.

Do you know what they
charge for house calls?

I can fix a leak.

Really? Is that why you
get up five times a night?

Dad, I just don't want
you to strain yourself.

I can still turn a wrench.

Well, okay.

Guess who got sent home
today with a dress-code violation?

Take your time, mom. I
know it's a tough one.

Oh, great. Your principal
wants to meet with me.

It's so unfair. Do I look
like a hooch to you?

A hooch?

Honey, I'm not up on
the latest teen slang.

Hooch. It's short
for hoochie mama.

'30S jazz lingo for hussy.
Come on, cate, get with it.

I don't understand.
You look fine.

I know. It's this new principal.
He thinks he runs the school.

- He does run the school.
- Oh, please, he's been
there one week.

I've been there three years.

Why do I get the feeling that
you are not 100% innocent?

Because inside you
know she's a hooch.

Okay, maybe my underwear band
showed for, like, two seconds.

There's this totally
dumb new rule

Where your underwear
band can't show,

Yet they assign
me a bottom locker.

Everyone knows when you
bend over, your shirt rides up

Your jeans go down, and your
underwear just stays there.

Duh, it's called physics.

So who is really to blame here,

Me, who innocently
bent over to get a book,

Or the school who knowingly
assigned a bottom locker to a hottie?

Wait a minute. You
bent over for a book?

Okay, it was a "cosmo girl."

All: oh.

Hey. Good as new.

Wow, dad, you fixed that fast.

Didn't strain myself at all.

See, what you have to do here
is loosen that coupling there...

Dad, a magician never
gives away his secrets.

Don't forget to
pick up your tools.

I gotta go, but if
you're feeling up to it,

The garage door opener
needs to be replaced.

- Yeah, I'm up to it.
- Good.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for something.

What, the disk you slipped?

Hey hey, I'm fine.

Admit it, grandpa.

You don't want to
admit to aunt cate

That you hurt
yourself fixing the sink.

If I weren't fine would
I be able to do this?

If we slipped a piano under
your hands it might look normal.

You're having a spasm, all
right? I can take care of that.

What are you talking about?

I'm the star pupil in my
massage techniques class.

Besides, these hands

Have been giving relief
to people for years.

What people?

Lots of people. Well, okay, me.

Still, give it a chance.

Massage is for sissies.

No, this is sports
massage. It's different.

It's for boxers, football
players... Tough-guy stuff.

I can rebuild you, make you
better, stronger, faster.

I swear, c.j., If you lay a
hand on me, I'll... Oh! Oh!

- Does that hurt?
- Yeah.

- I've only had one class.
- No no no.

It's all right.
It's a good hurt.

Get back with it.

Well, actually I better go.

- Are you gonna
leave me hanging?
- I've got school.

Yeah? Well I gotta fix a garage.

You got my number.

Call my girl, set
up an appointment.

What girl?

She may sound like an
automated voice on a cell phone,

But she's real sweet.
Chat her up a bit.

I have nothing
against dress codes.

It's just that up until now
we've done fine without them.

- Now, I assure you, mr. Gibb...
- I'm sorry.

Did you go to garfield high?

What? Um, yes.

- Anyway...
- I went to garfield.

Oh. Freaky.

Anyway, this morning I was
looking at how other girls dressed,

And though my
daughter is no angel,

Compared to those
hooches in the hallway,

Bridget is like laura ingalls.

What year did you graduate?

Um, it was 19...

What does this have
to do with bridget?

I'm sorry. You just
look so familiar. Do i?

No.

But then there weren't many
gray-haired kids in my class.

Anyway, um, uh,

My bridget has been known to
dress a little racy in the past,

But what she was wearing yesterday
was not racy in the slightest.

What was your maiden name?

Please, aren't we
talking about bridget?

Yes, okay, I'm
sorry. I'll drop it.

Look, my dress code is
never very popular at fir...

You hung out in front
with the stoners?

No.

Look. I am missing
work for this.

I am a nurse and without
me my patients could die.

Really?

Well, no.

But they could wet their beds.

- Can we just stick
to the subject?
- Yes, of course.

I will drop it. Won't
bring it up again.

My dress code works.

Test scores go up,
discipline problems go down.

Egan! You're cate egan!

Oh, for god's sake!

- Am I right?
- Yes!

Ed! Ed gibb!

Oh. Well, h...

How are you?

You have no idea
who I am, do you?

Not a clue.

Really?

Uh... Back to bridget?

Yes. Yes.

May I show you something?

This is a photograph
taken of bridget

To document her
dress-code violations.

Now I ask you, is that
proper school attire?

Let me see this.

She did not leave the
house looking like this.

I think it's pretty obvious
what happened here.

Yeah. You put bridget's
head on some hooch's body?

Or she altered the outfit
once she left the house.

Both valid theories.

You know, I used
to go by "eddie."

People would say, "ed-die!"

Nothing.

C.j., Are you ready for me yet?

What's taking you so darn lng?

I'm just getting the
massage table ready.

Okay, come on in.

What the hell is all this?

I sense a lot of
tension, grandpa.

Take a whiff of this. Inhale.

Get that away from me!

This was supposed to
be a sports massage.

You turned my room into bangkok!

It is a sports
massage... With a flair.

- Now breathe.
- C.j., I swear

If you don't put my room
back the way it was, I'm gonn...

- Is that patchouli?
- Yeah, with a dash
of lavender.

Sort of... Delightful.

It is. See? I know
what I'm doing.

Okay, now lose the robe
and get under the sheet.

Just holler when you're naked.

- Not yet.
- Was that a holler?

No!

- Hi.
- Hi, mom.

So, bridget, I just had a
little talk with your principal.

Just so I'm clear,

The only dress-code
violation you had was

A two-second flash
of underwear band?

Yeah. I told you they
assigned me a bottom locker.

I saw the photo.

The totally put my head
on some hooch's body!

No, god did that.

This principal has some
sort of a grudge on me.

It's almost like he's jealous.

- Why would he be
jealous of you?
- I don't know.

Why is everyone jealous of me?

Your earning potential?

Why don't you see if you
can help your grandfather

With the garage-door opener? Go.

- Kerry, what's wrong?
- What's wrong?

I'm walking through the hall back to
debate class, where I left my backpack...

Oh, we get it. Whoo!
What a depressing story.

Bridget, let her finish.

Debate class,
backpack... There's more?

This custodian is
putting up these posters,

- And I'm thinking, please
let this be a nightmare.
- What?

"How not to dress for school"?

Oh my gosh, I look
horrible! Give it to me!

There's that. I am
upset about this.

God, you guys,

The one time in my life
I ever wear overalls...

I look like a total geek.

Yeah, blame the overalls.

Go, now.

Oh, c.j.

Oh, c.j.!

Incredible.

Look, I want you to
relax, but seriously,

If you say my name like that
again, I'm walking, all right?

I think you finally found
something you're good at.

What did you say?

I said I think you found
something you're not terrible at.

You said I'm good at something.

You can't take it back.

Rory: grandpa, are
you down there?

Mom wants me to help
you with the garage.

I'm not decent. Stay away.

Close those shutters.

- Is he gone?
- Yes, he's gone.

Why don't you lay a little more
of that vanilla papaya lotion on me?

Oh, maestro!

Mom, now you have to
admit he is singling me out.

Yeah yeah yeah.

What are you doing
with your yearbook?

He seems to remember
me but I don't...

Oh my god!

It's eddie! Oh!

Ed-die!

Wait, ed. You know,
I really like you

As a friend.

I think I may know why
mr. Gibb is a little mad.

I can't believe mr. Gibb is
making examples out of us

Because you wouldn't kiss him.

Yeah, mom. You might
want to think twice

The next time you tell
us to be good girls.

Well, the garage door shouldn't
give you any more problems.

Dad, you are so chipper
and resilient these days.

What's your secret?

Yes, grandpa,
what's your secret?

There's no secret. You
just underestimate me.

And I apologize.

And as a token of that apology,

I would like to give you a list

Of all the things that
need fixing around here.

Oh, great, yeah.
Consider them done.

- Okay.
- Bridget: mom.

- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, come on, mom.

Bridget needs time to
hooch it up before school.

C.j., I'm gonna need
another treatment.

That damn garage
door almost k*lled me.

Yeah, I feel bad for
you. See you later.

Is something wrong?

Of course not.

I finally do something
you approve of,

But you're too embarrassed
to say it in public.

- Everything's fine. Later.
- Oh, c.j.

You're embarrassed 'cause
rory almost walked in on us.

- You're ashamed of us.
- I'm not ashamed.

Ashamed, grandpa!

There's nothing
wrong with two men

Rubbing oil on
each other's bodies.

Hey, you rubbed
me, I didn't rub you!

Shame talk!

That's fine. From now on you can
go rub yourself. How about that?

Fine. I don't need your
stupid flowery oils.

Papaya's a fruit, not a flower.

Well, you would know.

- Well, hello.
- Look, ed-die...

- Oh, you remembered!
- Yes. The yearbook
jogged my memory.

And I am sorry that, like, a
million years ago I rejected you.

But that is between you and me,

And I would really appreciate it

If you would take down
those awful posters.

Okay.

Okay?

This may not have
been my best idea.

In fact, I had to break up a
shoving match over those posters.

Boys were fighting
over the posters?

Actually it was two teachers

Who will remain anonymous.

I'm thinking the math
or history departments.

Maybe they were
fighting over my poster.

Anyway, I have agreed
to take the posters down.

And girls, you are
gonna miss the first bell.

- Thank you.
- Bye, mom.

Well, thank you.

I know it's not easy to
admit when you're wrong.

Yes, well, you're
walking proof of that.

Excuse me?

Oh, come on, cate. If you
really remembered us,

You'd remember the facts.

Wait. I really like
you, cate, as a friend.

That is impossible.

No boy in high school ever
said, "I only like you as a friend."

Cate, I just wasn't into you.

But your sister was
hot... Maggie. Oof!

Mag-gie!

Maggie? I was the hotter sister.

What did maggie get
in honors chemistry?

Maggie never took
honors chemistry.

And what did you get
in honors chemistry?

- An "a."
- Yeah, you
were the hot one.

I was hot and smart.

No shame in being smart.
I respected that in you.

In fact, that's why I
liked you... As a friend.

You know, I don't really care.

- It was a long time ago.
- Yeah, it doesn't
even matter.

- Water under the bridge.
- We agree to disagree.

Fine by me.

- I rejected you.
- Sure you did.

Yes! I found it!

Who's the geek you're with?

This is the principal.

Huh! And he says he rejected me?

Look at him. He
looks like leo sayer.

Kids: who?

I'm gonna go down
there and show him this.

You're making
this all about you.

Who cares if you
were hot or not?

The man took down the posters.

This was about our high
school humiliation, not yours.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

So you liked being worshipped by
pathetic losers who steal your picture?

Hey, I don't pee all
over your dreams, okay?

Just like bridget, all you
care about is your image.

Maybe I have been a
little self-obsessed

About this whole
misunderstanding with mr. Gibb.

Yeah. Who cares if
he broke up with you?

I broke up with him!

See? Like bridget, you care too
much about what other people think.

Ecch. Mom, you don't
have to take this from her.

Actually I think
your sister's right,

And I know this is silly.

But I just wanted
to rub his nose in it

That back in high school
I was studious and hot,

Just like you, kerry.

- Like me?
- Mm-hmm.

What are you waiting
for? Come on, go!

Go, right now! Go!

You see? I was cool,
and you were a geek.

What are you talking about?

I look like leo sayer!

Yeah.

I have done everything
that you asked.

Why are you here?

To set the record straight.

You care that much what I think?

No, I don't care what you think.

I care about justice.

Look, I get it.

- Get what?
- Well, I think
it's pretty obvious

You have a hard time
staying away from me.

- What?
- I am a principal.

I think I recognize a
high-school crush when I see one.

I didn't even remember you.

So you said.

This picture proves it. I
was cool and you weren't.

The only thing that
this picture proves

Is that white guys can
look fantastic in afros.

Oh, unbelievable.

You are even wearing
rainbow suspenders.

Look, cate, I'm flattered.

I'm just not
interested. I'm sorry.

You are the most pompous,

Arrogant man I have ever met.

You'll get over this.

And don't worry. Because
when I leave this time,

You won't have to worry
about me stalking you,

Because I will never voluntarily
set foot in this office again!

- Good day, mr. Gibb.
- Oh, I think you'll be back.

Oh, no I won't!

Thank you.

You're doing just
fine without me.

All right, you win.

Rory, there's nothing
wrong with a good massage.

Excuse me?

Yeah. I've always
been hard on c.j.

But he finally did
something right.

He has found a career path.

He gave me a massage

And I felt like a
million bucks after it.

Wow. So you're telling me...

Yes, c.j. Is good at something.

And I'm proud of him.

Ah. That's all I wanted to hear.

Get some props. Come here.

Wow, that's something.

Why don't you guys get a room?

I forgot. You already have one.