05x01 - Fight or Flight

[bunniefuu]

, , , ...

- one...
- BANG

Chain, chain, chain, chain, chain...

Pigweed, pigweed, pigweed...

Ah!

Gwlad wn vee ree...

..tray von clom...

mreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Aghh!

Take that, slayer!

HE CACKLES

A trip to the batwalks of the Old Country, he says.

Yes and a very successful one too.

Oh, just feel there.

The pelt of the Carpathian sabre-toothed panther.

You know, only three of these magnificent beasts exist.

Well, two now. Ho-hum.

So Vlad gets something and I return empty-handed.

I should have known you being nice to me wouldn't last.

You wouldn't be throwing me a welcome home dinner.

True, true.

But any time you would like a going away party, just say the word.

Oh, thank goodness you're back, Master. There's a...

Ooh, sabre-toothed panther.

There's a what? What? What?

Oh, yeah. Right. Yes, there's an assassin slayer downstairs.

But don't worry, I've overpowered him.

- Bravo, Renfield.
- Thank you.

Just get cooking before Vlad arrives.

You don't believe me...

Brilliant. The slayers have broken the ceasefire.

Just when life was getting boring.

What is that?

It's the Tibetan Chhatra. Oh, my...

The ancients used it as a...

symbol of protection.

About time!

Now show me this, this...

assassin.

Certainly. He's right here where I left him.

- You imbecile... Imbecile!
- What are we going to do?

Right, pack our bags.

- What about Master Vlad?
- We'll write him a note.

Some things don't change.

Look what the bat dragged in.

- Nice to see you too, sis.
- Out the way, out the way.

Come here.

Is that really you?

Please tell me you lost your luggage

and you're not wearing that by choice.

Oh, it doesn't matter. Come here.

, , , ...

- What is he doing?
- The five Tibetan incantations. Man!

Oh, bravo.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Dinner is served.

No weapons at the table.

Ah! they're not stakes.

These are Tibetan meditation statuettes.

One black, one white, the yin and the yang, the darkness

and the light.

I am so sorry. It's all fascinating.

Renfield, let's eat.

If I may...

Pig's bladder in a sea slug marinade,

braised brain of chimp

and the piece de resistance,

poached llama tongue on a bed of chipmunk entrails.

Oh, yummy, yummy, rub my tummy.

I can't eat that. I'm vegetarian.

Since when?

I'll rustle up something else.

Since the vampire monk Davos Ikeous taught me that all life is sacred.

We spent a month at his retreat in the Himalayas.

It's the most amazing place...

Whoa, backtrack. Who's we?

Was there love in the mountain air?

Talitha's just a really cool friend. Total free spirit.

We had a connection.

Crudites.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah...

One million...

What is it with this incessant counting?!

I'm playing hide and seek with Wolfie.

He told me to count to two million.

You haven't told him Mum took Wolfie back last week?

And risk a repeat of when his goldfish d*ed?

He was useless for days.

Sentimental old fool.

So, apart from Wolfie, has anything else

exciting happened while I was away?

Ustrel Bouderon has been deposed as the leader of the High Council.

Yes, quite the scandal.

Fiddling expenses to pay for a...

personal t*rture chamber.

He's been replaced by the Minister for Education, which means

- there's an opening for me.
- What do you know about education?

I live in a school.

Which appears to have closed. Doesn't it seem empty now?

Au contraire, dear boy.

I've knocked through here, here and here for a games room.

Bat billiards, ten-stake bowling, table fang ball. Oh, come on!

Think of the fun we'll have, father and son.

Duelling through the night.

I only popped back to see how you were

before I continue on my travels.

Continue?

We agreed you could go away for two months to get over Erin.

Forget Erin. Malik's welcome to her.

I was born to travel.

You were born to be my heir.

That was the old me.

This me has seen the hanging gardens of Junorethya, climbed

the mountains of Flamodishu and swum in the oceans of Ricolaysia.

And I've strolled in the forest of whoop-dee-do.

There's too much to see in the world. Make Ingrid your heir.

What?

Never going to happen.

Miss Dracula...

The council doesn't meet today.

I was expecting a decision on the appointment

of the Minister for Education.

Ah, yes...

A decision has been reached.

Great.

When do I start?

You don't.

When you said I was to be given new responsibilities, I thought...

That's the problem with girls thinking.

They can't.

But I do have a position that will play to your natural strengths.

Come.

You can start your rounds.

May I introduce our new Minister for Education?

Or should that be Minister for Stealing People's Jobs?

My apologies if you feel I have trodden on your toes,

but I did get this position on merit.

Indeed he did.

Warnock is something of a computer whizz.

He is bringing us into the st century.

You must be Ingrid Dracula.

Our new Head of Catering.

Catering?

She'll happily take your order.

So...

how did you manage to wheedle your way in here?

I've been telling them to go digital but they never listen.

I offered Morgan more than just my computer skills.

Meaning?

Let's just say Morgan wouldn't be where he is today without me.

Morgan got his promotion because Ustrel was fiddling the books.

Unless...

The keyboard is mightier than the stake, Ingrid.

Technology is power.

Oh, erm...

Mine's a rhesus negative.

HUMMING

You know, I was wrong to poo-poo this, this...

what is it again?

Tibetan praying mantis yoga.

Yes. Yes and you know I feel...

I feel like a new man. Vladdy, Vladdy.

More practice needed.

Oh, perhaps you could be my teacher. forget the games room,

we shall have a meditation retreat.

Nice try, Dad, but I'm not staying.

Then maybe...

..THIS will change your mind.

Is that Carpathian panther?

Yes. Only the best for you, my boy.

I'm a vegetarian, remember?

, , ,

Two million!

- HE LAUGHS
- Coming, Wolfie, ready or not!

What are you doing with the master's best silver?

I need money and quick.

Well, I could lend you some.

At a very decent rate of interest.

Or I could just give it to you.

No, no, no. Not Piggy Petey, please?

No, don't...

pence, buttons and WHAT is that?

No idea...

A bottle of the Baroness LaTali!

Right away.

Oh, dear. Are things really that bad?

All my attempts to keep Vlad from leaving have come to nothing.

I may be able to help...

In return for some cold hard cash.

What could you possibly need money for?

That's my business.

You don't want Vlad to stay.

- What are you up to?
- If you're going to be nosy, you can

add my own private quarters to the asking price.

Very well.

Do...

your...

worst.

Right!

Rhesus negative.

It's a day late. The service leaves a lot to be desired.

I've been busy thinking through some policies.

- You?
- I'm not just a pretty face.

And I insist you take the credit.

Where is Ingrid?

So this is it. Bye, Dad.

Save us the postcards.

Oh!

Look after yourself, eh?

And remember, clean pants once a year.

BAT SQUEAKS

It's from the High Council.

It says they're introducing a Batalauriat.

To ensure the old ways are not lost between generations, vampires

must pass a citizenship exam

before the eve of their th birthday.

- Nice one, Ingrid.
- What?

What? What? What? No! No! No!

Nice one for Ingrid.

- She'll be over the moon her brother's here to stay.
- I'm not.

I'll take a couple of revision books with me and pop back for the exam.

Good luck fitting them in your backpack.

What's going on?

The High Council are introducing a Batalauriat,

clipping poor, poor Vladdy's wings.

That's not a problem. These won't take me long to speed-read.

- I'll just delay my trip by a night.
- There's more on the back.

This is your doing, isn't it?

What influence do I have on the High Council?

I'm just the tea lady.

And before you ask, I had absolutely nothing to do...

This is totally out of order!

It says here...

All those taking the Batalauriat are subject to a curfew.

Anyone caught leaving home during the hours of darkness will be...

Aah... Will be sentenced to six months in a UV cage.

Ingrid! you...

really are a chip off the old block.

- Renfield.
- Aren't you forgetting something?

No, I...

No, I don't think so...

The Batalauriat hasn't passed into law yet.

It still needs a unanimous vote from the High Council.

If I vote against, it's adios, Vlad.

Right. Right. How much did we agree on?

, ...?

That should cover it. And my private quarters?

You can have the attic in the east wing.

HE SNEEZES

Oh... Look, enough with this meditation! You have revision to do.

As soon as this is over...

We'll throw a party to celebrate your coming of age.

Don't bother. I'll be celebrating my independence

with a one-way ticket out of here.

Will you, indeed.

I designed this game myself. Vampire Rebellion.

Awesome, huh?

No. It's totally unrealistic. Where are all the women?

And who's ever heard of vampires turning invisible?

That's if they even existed, which they don't, obviously.

Well, if you're not into gaming,

why do you need such a high-spec computer?

Keeping up with the competition.

The competition must be quaking in their boots.

What are you looking for?

- The VHC.
- What does that stand for?

Very Hot Chocolate?

They're a folk band.

Right... Well, I should be able to hack into this.

It's his files I want.

EVIL LAUGHTER

Wow, this guy's got some serious security.

We need to fill in the blanks of whatever this is.

It's the family tree of some friends of ours.

OK, I've got it. Gwyndlore was blood bound to Coravlax

and their daughter was Lucrezia.

Sneaky. He's used random algorithms to change the parameters each time.

I don't know any of the Impundulus.

Well, we have one more chance before it locks us out

and alerts this Warnock that we're trying to hack into his files.

It's impossible, there are nine volumes of bloodlines.

Nobody could memorise every page.

Yes. These can.

There is an in-built camera linked to a microprocessor.

You just have to show me the books.

Out of the question.

Because I'm not a vampire?

It's pretty obvious.

VHC stands for Vampire High Council, not Very Hot Chocolate.

You've just shown me a family tree of the Impundulus,

who took their name from the legend of the Thekwane.

What can I say? I am really into my biters.

You really need to get out more.

Is that an offer?

Wolfie! Wolfie!

You haven't seen Wolfie, Master...

You don't look at all well, Master Vlad.

- I feel terrible.
- Nothing obvious.

You're going to have to open wide.

Oh, no, you don't.

But Master Vlad's not very well.

A severe case of Skivalitis, no doubt.

I'm not putting it on.

My head is pounding, my nose is blocked and my...

expl*sive SNEEZE

You're probably allergic to that pungent pong.

But they b*rned incense all the time at the retreat...

He probably picked something up on his travels.

There was that deadly outbreak of Transylvanian swamp fever last year.

Renfield, if it was swamp fever, he'd be covered with purple spots.

Yeah, but you don't know what other nasties there are out there.

So find out. I've mapped everywhere I've been in my travelogue.

It's in my backpack.

I suppose some research can't do any harm. But no testing!

Well?

I have some grave news, Master.

What's wrong?

We think you have Tibetan fangcephalitis.

And it's highly contagious.

So why aren't you wearing a protective suit?

It only affects biters.

My head's k*lling me. What's the cure?

There isn't one.

So I'm going to die?

MUFFLED SPEECH

I'm a blinding bore?

What's the score?

You want some more?

- He says find a cure!
- Find a cure. Find a cure.

Course, it's obvious when you think about it. But I can't.

Why not?

The Master said no testing.

That was before he knew it was fangcephalitis. Do you think he wants me to die?

So do the test!

All I have to do is look at each page.

The glasses scan all the information and store it.

So you can just sit back and decide where we're going on that date.

A date?

You, the nerdy gaming breather, me the sophisticated and deadly biter.

They do say opposites attract.

"They" being desperate breathers.

Come on, it'll be fun. What do you say?

k*ll me now?

OK, OK! One date.

Brilliant.

We could maybe check out one of those folk bands you love so much.

You're not as funny as you think.

Come on! Admit it, that wasn't bad.

Strange.

Doubly strange.

Atchoo!

Atchoo!

I've caught it! I'm going to die.

Do not go gentle into that good night!

Oh, master. Woe is me! I've tested...

I told you not to do any tests!

I couldn't find a cure without...

No more tests!

Perfect timing.

All done.

Oh, yes! We are into Warnock's files.

Now, when are we going on that date?

You didn't really think I'd let you go after what you've seen, did you?

I suppose not.

Which is why I've sent a copy of everything

to my own computer on a timed release.

If I don't get back within the next hour,

the name of every living vampire will be on the internet.

I am loving those by the way.

Can't be.

I thought I said no more testing.

Sorry, Master, but Vlad's DNA is...

Is what?

Half of it is biter, like yours...

Mine?

I ran a test on one of your hairs.

Whatever you thought you saw, you didn't!

You are mistaken.

Don't hypnotise me.

I'm sorry I ran the tests but Vlad's life depends on them.

And your life depends on forgetting what you saw!

But you don't understand, the other half of Vlad's DNA is like mine.

He's half breather!

Does Vlad know?

No! And he never will!

It's a burden I swore I would carry alone.

I always say a problem shared is...

A problem for you if you even think about telling anyone.

HE SNEEZES

Sorry, Master, it's this fangcephalitis.

Renfield, you're a breather, you can't catch anything off...

Oh, wait a minute, that's it!

Brilliant! What is?

Vlad's half breather.

He hasn't got a biter illness. He's got a cold.

He's got a common breather cold!

expl*sive SNEEZE

Find a cure.

So it was you who dished the dirt on Ustrel.

Game on!

Right. How's the cure coming on?

Oh, yeah... About that...

It does seem like an awfully big secret.

And one you can take to the grave if blackmail's your game.

I thought you would say that,

so that's why I wrote it all down and hid it.

You did what?!

Insurance. But if you were to bite me as you always promised...

You are a devious little...

Very well.

I promise to...

bite you...

in leap years' time.

- years?
- leap years!

leap years! - to Renfield!

What's he so happy about?

The prospect of finding your brother a cure.

What is that smell?

That's tripe. Wolfie's favourite.

Wolfie's gone. Magda took him away last week.

My Wolfie?

He left you these.

I'll keep them close to my heart for ever.

Oh, Wolfie.

Here it is!

Get it away, get it away!

Renfield... What have you done?

It was only my old dad's recipe.

Honey, lemon, elderflower, menthol and a little hint of garlic.

Garlic?

Well, now we know Master Vlad's a...

He must never know about that.

And remember one thing, my son will always be more biter than breather.

That's what I'm worried about.

In the olden times, common colds used to k*ll breathers...

What are you saying?

If Master Vlad's half biter,

he might not have a breather's natural immunity.

It could be fatal.

He doesn't look good, does he, Master?