05x02 - Who's the Daddy

[bunniefuu]

No! No!

No... Help me...

His fever is growing. This is the most uncommon, common cold.

Find something to help him!

But I've tried everything, Master.

Tincture of mandrake, poultices of monkshood and toadflax,

infusions of dwarfwort and periwinkle...

Same old, same old!

If anyone discovers he has a cold,

they'll put two and two together and realise he's half human!

You need to make him well before that happens!

It's impossible.

Humans haven't found a cure for the common cold

and they've been trying for thousands of years...

One hour! You have one hour.

Great(!)

Dressed to k*ll.

Today's the day I show those old coffin loiterers

on the High Council.

Time to make a splash...

CRASHING

I'd better not give that one to Master Vlad...

But I've got to find a cure.

I can't afford to let him down.

Oh, no... I was saving that mouldy spud for me lunch.

Why is Renfield trying to blow us all up?

How's Vlad?

Fine. Fine. Fine. He's just having a bat nap.

Really? So what's with your -hour vigil then?

And how come this room looks like the inside of a weasel's nose?

The room...

The room is coming out in sympathy for Vlad's...

temporary indisposition.

So that makes this...?

Mucus. Vampire mucus, naturally.

- Oh.
- Gross!

Don't you have a Vampire Council meeting to go to?

I hear they've made you head of doughnuts.

Minister for Catering, actually.

Impressive. Impressive. Do you get your own apron?

CRASHING

Wow!

He's fine!

He's ill!

He's supposed to be the Chosen One - how come he looks like that?

Because... Because...

when Vlad reaches , he will inherit unimaginable power,

this is simply his...body preparing.

Or, it's like I've always thought,

there's something not quite right about my little brother.

My spud's gone all hairy...

You think you have time to waste polishing your empty head?

Now Ingrid's growing suspicious, I need that cure.

But it's good news, Master! I think I've found one.

It's specially formulated to rebalance the human

and vampire sides of Vlad's body.

- Only...
- Only?

Only there's a slight chance it might prove fatal

to Vlad's human side.

What we need is a guinea pig to test it on.

Someone dispensable, utterly inconsequential?

Uh-huh...

Me. Of course.

If I don't survive this, what I would like to say is...

Just get on with it!

Mmmm... Actually, it ain't half bad...

HE GURGLES AND BURPS

Curses! Oh, well, goodbye, Renfield, it's been...disgusting.

Oh! Don't worry, Master.

It was just the putrid toad I had earlier repeating on me.

- Windy pops.
- Then it's safe?

Oh, yeah. "Thank you for curing my son, Renfield."

"Oh, no, not at all, all in a day's work.

"Thank you very much. I was just..."

HE GIGGLES

Time to put the motion to a vote. All those in favour...

Aye.

The High Council denies Warnock's motion. Mark it so.

AIR WHOOSHES

SNIGGERING

Well, gentlemen, if that is all, I think we can adjourn.

I was told the meeting started at three, it's only five to.

The meeting was brought forward an hour.

Did you not receive the carrier bat with the memo?

No.

Oh, dear.

We all naturally assumed you had a hair appointment or some

important shopping trip that couldn't be cancelled.

No matter. We were discussing weighty issues and, you know...

you might have...

Never mind.

While you're here you can make yourself useful

and fetch the drinks and nibbles.

How is he, Master?

Your potion isn't working! He's getting worse.

The mucus on the walls looks thicker.

And greener.

Tasty though. The potion just needs to work a bit, Master.

I'll stay with him.

Would you like me to wait with you?

Certainly not.

HE MOANS

At-choo!

Excellent.

Oh, Vladdy! You've gone! Oh, my poor boy!

Taken from me so young.

Your ashes will be put in a place of honour and revered above...

Excuse I...

How dare you! Wretch!

First your disgusting potion destroys my son,

and now you're collecting him up like the contents of an old ashtray!

- But, Master...
- Quiet! While I tear you limb from limb!

Put him down, Dad, I'm fine.

Vladdy! I'm so pleased you're OK.

But then, who was this?

No-one. It's my dandruff.

I'm producing loads of it now I've got hair.

Oh, look, twins...

You collect your dandruff?

I recycle everything.

D'you want to know what I've got in the rest of my jars?

No, we do not!

It's so good to see you with no colour in your cheeks again.

- Yes, I'm good.
- On a roll, aren't I?

Inventing a cure for baldness and Master Vlad's cold all in one day.

Are you saying I had a cold?

Colds are for breathers.

What? What? Exactly. Exactly.

Ignore the numbskull, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

You didn't have a cold, you had a...temporary indisposition.

"Temporary indisposition"?

Yes. Yes. Renfield was just using simple terms he could understand.

Much in the same way the ancient Romans thought the world was

a giant birthday cake and the stars were the candles.

No, they didn't.

Well, that's what your Uncle Cornelius told me and he was there.

Are you hungry? I am starving. Come, come on!

I heard that Morgan knocked back another one of your proposals.

I'm so sorry.

Look at this.

A long list of cutting edge ideas I've suggested

and Morgan the moron has dismissed them all.

I've said too much.

No, it's fine. Go on, it's good to share.

Apart from you and I, this whole Council are a bunch of old...

Coffin loiterers?

Exactly! And Morgan is the dodderiest old loiterer of them all!

Excuse me.

Top up?

This is too dangerous.

Warnock...

Ah, here you are. I've been looking for you.

Why? You don't have to keep fussing over me, I'm fine.

I know. I know.

Studying for your...

..Batalauriat?

No. I'm trying to find out how it's possible for me

to catch a breather's cold.

I told you, it wasn't a cold. It was a temporary indisposition.

That doesn't mean anything!

Very well.

Your ailment was due to your body preparing to receive more

power on your th birthday, so perhaps we should call it...

a transitional temporary indisposition.

Makes more sense...

But I still don't believe you.

You're starting to look like a girl, Renfield.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm getting terrible split ends, though.

I couldn't borrow your conditioner could I, Master?

Conditioner?! I am the Prince of Darkness!

- So that cranberry and jojoba...
- Is what your mother left!

What do you want?

I brought some medicine for Master Vlad.

We don't want him to have a relapse, do we?

So, I have got some Vitamin C, and some lovely chicken soup...

- All the things you'd take for a...
- Transitional temporary indisposition!

Now, get out! OUT!

Let's play Stakes and Ladders.

- No.
- Your favourite?

No. It's always the slayer, in the kitchen with the stake.

Why aren't you letting me research this? What are you trying to hide?

Nothing. Nothing.

- What's wrong?
- Odd. I've got this tickle...

HE COUGHS

A cough? I've got a cough now?

You probably swallowed some of...

HE COUGHS ..Renfield's dandruff.

HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY

Vladdy! Vlad!

HE SCREAMS

Thank you, Vladdy. Thank you.

- Hold on...
- What are you doing?

I was just sitting in the sunlight.

Why aren't I a big pile of ash right now?

It was touch and go, Vladdy. Look, there's definite singeing.

And that's all. I should be dust!

- What's going on?
- I have no idea.

Oh, I think you do. First I get a cold...

- It was a transitional...
- It was a cold!

Then a cough, and now I can sit in the sun like a kid at the seaside!

Well, the sun's not as strong at this time of the day.

- No more lies!
- It's been a long night, I really think...

Stop stalling! Tell me what you know.

There really is nothing to tell.

Fine.

Where are you going?

I'll go see Ingrid and her new BFFs on the High Council.

Maybe they'll have some answers.

No, that would be a very, very bad idea.

- For whom?
- All of us! Me, mostly...
- Then tell me what's going on.

No good can come of it.

seconds or I'm going to the High Council.

Now you listen to me, boy.

You're opening a can of bats that could ruin everything.

seconds.

Please. Please, don't make me do this!

Whatever it is, I can handle it. Now tell me!

You had your chance.

You can face the consequences.

You're half breather!

- Now, where were we...? I think you'd just called Morgan a doddery...
- Sh!

Oh, Warnock...

You're not just another Billy Big Fangs, are you?

All talk and no action.

No!

My computerisation of the High Council's library raised more

than a few eyebrows.

Computerising the library?

Does that really count as action?

I made it available in three different formats.

Still...

You two huddled together again?

What exactly are you up to?

We're plotting to overthrow Morgan.

Priceless! Absolutely priceless.

What were you thinking?!

Relax.

I'm a girl, nobody takes anything I say seriously.

Even for a vampire you're twisted!

Aw, sweet.

Are you all right?

I can't think straight...

You're still weak, you haven't recovered properly,

but no matter.

Once they come of age all vampires get a power boost.

Once that happens...

It was Mum, wasn't it?

She cheated on you with a breather?

She was always cold and unfeeling... Now I know why.

She was ashamed of me.

Why didn't you kick her out?

You know me.

No matter what she did I could never stop loving her.

When you arrived...

..I agreed to raise you as my own,

to protect her reputation...

And I've never, ever regretted that decision for one moment, Vlad.

I'm the good guy here.

No, you're not.

You've lied to me my whole life.

I've always felt like an outsider,

like I didn't fit in as a vampire,

and you knew why!

If you'd told me, I could've made sense of things.

I couldn't tell you.

Why not?

It would have been too dangerous.

Look, having a child with a breather

breaks the vampires' most sacred rule.

It's the biggest taboo.

As Head of the Clan I would've been ex*cuted and you...

You would have been seen as an abomination, Vlad.

The abominable vampire.

- It's not funny!
- It's hilarious.

If I'm half human, how can I be the Chosen One?

I was more than a little surprised at that myself,

but then vampire law moves in very mysterious ways.

So who's my real father?

There's no point in dragging up the past...

Who is it?!

HE COUGHS

This is too much for you in your condition, you need to rest.

No chance.

Where are you going?

If you can't or won't tell me who my father is...

I have to go and find Mum.

Warnock the Great!

That is how you want to be remembered, isn't it?

- How did you...?
- That's not important.

You are the only member of the Council with the vision,

the drive and the charisma to take us out of the th century.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

In fact, that's exactly what I wrote in...

You owe it to yourself and vampires everywhere

to step up, sweep away the old guard,

take charge and deliver us into a new, golden age.

You can't let Morgan get in your way.

You...are so right!

It's time to seize my destiny!

You're not going to stop me, get out of my way.

Do my feelings count for nothing?

Your feelings? You don't have any!

I've been a true father to you, treated you like my own.

Am I just to be cast aside now?

You know what, you're right, you have done all that, haven't you?

Why? You don't do noble.

I told you, it was to protect your mother.

No, no. There's a limit to what you'd do, even for Mum.

Bringing up another man's child is definitely way, way over it.

Stupid! I've been so stupid!

You're lying, aren't you?

It wasn't Mum that was unfaithful, it was you!

Vladimir! You have my word.

Your word means nothing!

HE CHOKES AND GROANS

If you're not my real father,

I have no further use for you or your lies!

HE SCREAMS

I had no idea that collecting old capes could be so fascinating.

One day, my dear, if you're very lucky,

I shall let you clean them.

That would be such an honour.

What's this?

For the greater good of vampire kind!

I don't understand.

Allow me.

I cannot thank you enough for alerting me to...

..Warnock's treachery.

Your loyalty will not go unrewarded.

Thank you, sir.

Do you know...

..if only you weren't a weak and useless girl,

I would make you my deputy in a breather's heartbeat.

I've learnt to know my place, sir.

I'm just happy to be your humble servant.

Stop it, Vlad, stop it.

You're k*lling us both.

- Then tell me the truth!
- I have told you the truth!

HE SCREAMS

Master!

What are you doing to your dad?!

According to him, he's not my dad!

- Of course he is.
- Shut up, Renfield.

I did do a DNA test to work out what was wrong with you

and there's no doubt about it, he's definitely your old man.

Get off me.

Go get make more of your potion for Vlad, he's having a relapse.

Why lie? Why make it out that Mum was the unfaithful one?

Because... Because...

If you thought I was the victim, I hoped...

I hoped you'd go along with what I wanted and let sleeping bats lie.

All right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I met your mother at a Goth festival in Whitby.

I saw her across a crowded room full of depressed youth.

At first, I really thought she really was one of us -

some of those Goths are very convincing.

Anyway...

We talked, we got on... We, erm...

I don't remember her name...

I'm not sure I ever knew it, really.

Did she know you were a vampire?

No, no, no, of course not.

But when I found you were about to be born, I had to adopt you.

You'd never have survived in a world of breathers, Vlad.

So how did Mum...

sorry, Magda, fit into this sordid little story?

Magda, Magda, Magda.

She agreed to pass you off as her own.

It took the pressure off her to produce a male heir

and it meant she could go off and do what she wanted.

She certainly grabbed that baton and ran with it.

So my whole life has been a total lie.

You are one piece of work.

I did what I thought was best.

Really? Where's my real mum now?

Don't even think about looking for her.

You don't get to tell me what to do any more.

I am still your regent!

Oh, I think we're way past all that!

Very well.

There's no point looking for your real mother.

After the adoption I bit her and left her a lifeless husk.

No wonder you didn't want to tell me.

I feel sick.

I had no choice.

If the truth had ever come out,

the Vampire High Council would have ordered my destruction.

I couldn't afford to leave any loose ends.

Loose ends?! That was my mother!

Right then.

I expect you want to get on with k*lling me now.

Just do it.

No, that'd be too easy.

I'm going to the High Council to tell them what you've done.

I want to see you totally humiliated.

Leave me alone!

HE COUGHS

I'll get there,

even if I have to crawl every inch of the way.

HE COUGHS

HE SPLUTTERS

HE BREAKS WIND

That's better.

Sorry. It's been lovely, it really has, but you're out of control.

I can't let you come between myself and my duty to Master Vlad.

You're going to have to go.

Fetch me a cold one, girl.

Silence!

Miss Dracula.

I think you and I need to have a little talk.

Thanks.

What's the matter?

My hair was out of control...

- CRYING:
- ..so I got rid of it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Most people just switch hair gels.

Out.

- Vlad...
- Nothing you've got to say is going to stop me

going to the High Council...

as soon as I'm strong enough.

All right.

All right, all right.

Your mother's name is Sally.

She was only when I met her in Whitby.

Magda and I had separated again...

..so I decided to go to the festival to, er...

HE LAUGHS

..cheer myself up.

She was the most bewitching of women, Vlad.

I was very, very fond of her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

You'll do or say anything to stop me going to the High Council.

No, no. This is the truth now.

I only lied to protect her.

Protect her? She's dead!

You k*lled her!

Look at me.

I could never have done that.

I didn't even bite her.

I just told you that to try and stop you looking for her.

Believe me, tracking her down could put her life in mortal danger.

Breathers and vampires...

..they are a dangerous mix, Vladimir.

You have to forget her, please. For her sake...

..and ours.