05x11 - Bite Me

[bunniefuu]

Ingrid's lying low.

I think Malik getting dusted hit her hard.

Ingrid with feelings? More chance of Renfield winning Miss Transylvania.

Have you seen this?

There should be more protection for minorities like us.

You're being paranoid, Dad.

You really shouldn't read that paper. It just winds you up.

GLASS SHATTERS

Garlic gas! Out!

Paranoid, am I? GLASS SHATTERS

It's another one! Go, go, go!

Someone really means business.

GLASS SHATTERS

THEY COUGH

Come on! You have to go. I'll be fine.

Or maybe not...

HE COUGHS

PEOPLE COUGHING

What's happening? It's like we're under att*ck from an army.

I saw about half a dozen of 'em creeping about outside.

When they saw me, they scarpered.

There's definitely something serious going on.

In a matter of weeks I've been imprisoned in a UV cage,

garlic gassed, twice, and generally harassed in my own home.

I haven't felt so under thr*at since the Great Peasant att*ck.

Fiery brands and angry pitchforks everywhere I looked...

HE SHRIEKS

Only me. A parcel for Master Vlad.

Knock first, you imbecile!

My nerves are in shreds - as, by the way, is my shirt.

If ever I have the misfortune to have my life saved by you again,

Renfield, take a little more care, will you?

- You really are the ungrateful dead, Dad, aren't you?
- What?

Thanks for saving us, Renfield.

Yeah, nice one.

All in a day's work.

I was wondering, Master,

if you were thinking perhaps of rewarding my heroic deed?

I don't know. Maybe bring forward my bite-by date or something?

Typical! Making this all about you, you, you!

But I so want to be a vampire, Master.

With all this bother going on, if you were to bite me now,

I might be able to help out.

You were going to bite me in leap years' time anyway so...

HE CACKLES

Oh, Renfield, Renfield...

Is there no limit to the depths of your stupidity?

A leap year is made up of four normal years.

So leap years is actually . No, wait a minute, ...

No, that's not right either.

. Idiot.

years away. By then you'll be far too frail

and dribbly to bother with.

I see. Fooled again.

Well, it wasn't really that difficult. So...

Was there anything else?

- Thanks again, Renfield.
- Goodbye.

What is it?

It's a stake - with my name on it!

Another thr*at! This has gone too far!

Why are you getting your fangs in a twist?

We all knew this was coming.

The whole vampire world knows that Golden Boy here is going to

be in a few days, get all his powers and become invincible.

All our enemies are going to want to dust him while they still can.

Right. Right...

We need to leave Garside or we'll be trapped like bats in a cave-in.

- Go outside?
- Yes.
- They'll tear us to bits.

We need to batten down the hatches in...in some way.

A lockdown! Secure Garside and lay low until Vlad's big day.

- Brilliant idea, Dad!
- Well, yes, I thought so.

- And I know just the...
- Stop!

Can't you see you're doing exactly what she wants you to do?

Excuse me. This is a family conference.

First rule of a lockdown, no outsiders,

so if you wouldn't mind flapping off...

Talitha's going nowhere!

She was nearly gassed too, when you were conveniently elsewhere.

I was on my way to rescue you.

Renfield just got there first.

You can't trust her, Count.

Of course I can't. But forewarned is forearmed.

And I shall be keeping a very, very close eye on her.

I really can't tell you what an honour this is, Your Magnificence.

Yes, yes! Now to business.

I was thinking UV lights, garlic b*mb dispensers - the whole works.

My motion sensors are already picking up a large number

of hostile vampires loitering around the perimeter.

Really? How many, exactly?

Well, difficult to put an exact figure on either, Your Greatness.

- Try.
- I'd say we're talking around about assassins and...

HE GASPS

SCANNER BEEPS

Make that .

Right. Right. Get straight to work. If anyone wants me,

I'll be barricaded in my study.

Count Dracula. The Big Daddy.

HE LAUGHS

I'm guessing he doesn't know how close we are?

We are not close. We're not even in the same postcode.

- I'm growing on you, I can tell.
- Quit being so irritating and focus.

I've only got four days left to dust my brother - so no more

slip-ups, like being spotted by Renfield throwing the garlic bombs!

- And who were the others with you?
- They were all me. Holograms.

And Renfield spotting me was all part of the plan,

adds to the idea there's a bunch of nutters out there.

Hmm. My deviousness is obviously rubbing off on you.

So, if the baddies don't exist, why the security system?

Operation Divide and Conquer.

That's for me to know and for you to watch and admire.

I don't know why I bother with this family.

They don't appreciate my cleaning or my cooking.

- What's that?
- Cup of cold beetles' spit, your fave.

Oh...

Why?

I actually felt sorry for you when Dad laughed at you.

Crushed dreams, thwarted ambition - it's the story of my life too.

You need to stand up to him.

Hah!

Too scared.

You know, I've always been fascinated by your potions.

You have? Really?

Hey, I remember when you gave your Great Aunt Repugnia

a dose of love potion.

Old battle-axe chased me all over the castle for a kiss.

Her false fangs kept falling out.

I got suck marks all over my face.

- Happy days.
- Oh, yeah. Happy days.

Why don't you let me

put a little bit of backbone in your beetles' spit?

Help you stand up to Dad.

No, I couldn't.

It's the only way you'll get what you want.

Maybe you are right. I mean, what harm will it do?

OK then, do it.

Just two drops, mind - my potions are very potent.

Oh. One of your pots is boiling over.

Oh, no!

Keeping a eye on me, eh, Dad?

You won't see this one coming.

It's a summons from the High Council. They need to see me.

Urgently, apparently. What's going on?

- Someone's trying to get me out of the way.
- Ingrid.

- Who else?
- You have to go.

If you shun a summons from the High Council, you'll be dust.

Don't worry, I can handle her.

It'll be a challenge without my vampire powers

but I'm going to be Vampire Number One in a few days.

- I ought to be able to deal with my own big sister.
- OK.

But maybe I'll leave her a little going-away present

that'll give you an edge.

- What do you want?
- I'm off to the Vampire High Council.

Big news. Say hi to Councillor Hack for me.

How did you know I was seeing Hack?

He's Head of Vampire Resources.

Anybody who goes to the High Council goes through him.

Are we done now?

Just one more thing...

If anything happens to Vlad while I'm away,

I will take great pleasure in turning you into a pile of dust.

Let go of my arm.

Now we're done.

A bat tag!

Insolent biter trash!

WHIRRING AND BEEPING

Here she comes.

HE CACKLES

We should have thought of this years ago.

I am the daughter of the House of Dracula -

practically royalty - and she has tagged me like...

Some scheming, conniving, treacherous vixen?

Good call I'd say.

DOOR OPENS, WHISTLING

About time! Dinner's late, Renfield. You really are becoming very sloppy.

- There you go.
- I didn't order these. What are they?

Armadillo fondants.

I don't eat fondants! And armadillo gives me wind.

That's tough. I love 'em.

- Get off of there!
- No.

I am sorry. Did he just say no?

- Yes!
- Are you all right, Renfield?

You know what, I am marvellous!

I've finally woken up and smelled the coffin.

I'm not doing anything more for you until...

Bitey, bitey, bitey.

You dare give me ultimatums?

I'll take that as a no, then.

In which case, I'm going to make your life a misery.

In fact, I'm going to make all your lives a misery!

You mean just Dad, surely?

No! I've had enough of the lot of you.

Come here, son.

Come on.

Don't forget I know all about a certain secret box full of evil.

Look, Renfield, let's talk about this.

- Don't bargain with the rodent!
- Dad! Leave this to me.

HE SIGHS

Come on, Renfield, you're part of the family. Sort of.

When's my birthday, then?

And I bet you can't remember my first name either.

Keith! Nigel?

- Susan.
- Susan!

It's Percival! Per-ci-val! You're all going to pay for that!

Enough!

I'm going to throw the insolent newt off the roof.

Did he just walk through the wall?

No. Of course not. He just slipped into one of the secret passageways.

There're hundreds of them under Garside.

And Renfield probably knows them better than me.

How else do you think he gets around the place with that

ridiculous trolley of his?

Oh, great! Thanks for the heads up.

That means he could creep up and stake any one of us.

Yes, yes, quicker than you can say...

P... P... What was his name again?

- Hi.
- I'm Councillor Hack. Thank you for coming.

Smoky Panda, very rare, would you like some?

No, thanks.

I'm in a bit of a rush so I'd appreciate it if...

- Sorry. No special treatment.
- No, but I really need...

No exceptions. You'll have to take a ticket and join the queue.

Queue?

SHE SIGHS

- That explains a lot.
- Ah!

I knew the pusillanimous little reptile

wouldn't stand up to me normally.

This has Ingrid's name written all over it.

Oh, yes. Always missing when the bats come home to roost.

Don't worry. We'll soon track her down.

First things first,

we need to find the antidote in Renfield's potion book.

I am sure if Renfield can work it out, so can we.

- I've got it! I've got it!
- Really?
- Yes. Yes.

Let's abandon this and simply crush Renfield out of existence.

- He just saved our lives. He deserves better.
- And?

And we've got vampire-assassins.com queuing up outside.

There's dozens of them and only three of us. We might need him.

HE SCOFFS

It says the main ingredient are lily-livers.

Lily-livers.

Lily-livers, you say?

You don't want to cure me!

You just want to turn me back into your personal doormat!

Well, guess what, it isn't going to happen.

HE LAUGHS

There goes any chance of an antidote.

COUNTER TURNS

ALARM SOUNDS

'Fire alert! Would everybody please leave the building.

'This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.'

No!

At last, Piers! Where have you been?

I've been bat-tagged so they know my every move.

Is the security system up and running yet?

- Yes... Erm...
- Great.

Renfield might be a bit of a problem but looks like we're still on track.

- I'm not sure that's the case...
- Evening all!

- I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry. I...
- Oh, no!

Oh, yes! He's been glued to the chair. To be fair...

Master always said my hamster porridge

was like wallpaper paste. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going

to have lots of fun with your security system.

Toodle-pip.

- You gave this to Renfield, didn't you?
- Me? Why would I?

- What was that?
- Yeah, I was going to mention...

Renfield's got control of the new security system.

Why would Piers put UV beams on the inside?

In case one of the assassins broke in.

He's thorough - what can I say?

Renfield's playing with us.

Worm! He's going to pay for this!

# I don't feel like dancing

# No, sir, no dancing today

# Don't feel like dancin', dancin'

Now you're dancing to my tune!

# Don't feel like dancin'... #

False alarm. What a surprise.

You are kidding me!

We'll be OK here. No UV beams or cameras.

How can you be so sure?

Just guessing! All the other beams have been in wide open spaces.

Are we just going to stand here and wait for Renfield to obliterate us?

No, I have a plan.

Renfield's not the only one who can use the secret passageways.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Oh. Come on!

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

- Me first.
- Pa-pa-pa! You need to take care.

Some of these passages go on for miles.

One wrong turn and you could get lost for years.

Some have disappeared forever.

- But you know the safe way?
- Of course I do. It's...thatta way.
- Left?

- LASER ZAP
- Ah!

SHE SCREAMS

Dad!

What was that? You said you knew which way to go.

I lied. I needed a guinea pig and who better than her.

- LASER ZAP
- Dad!

You can't hide forever. I'll find you.

We can't just leave Ingrid in there. We should go back.

No chance.

Our enemies are lining up outside to finish us off

and thanks to her, I'm not even safe in my own home!

DISTANT THUMPS

Renfield! I'll rip him limb from limb.

For the last time, you will not harm Renfield.

If you insist.

UV beams on the inside? Not your finest moment!

- Easy.
- Put your fangs away, Dad, he can help us.

How did you get here without Renfield seeing you?

I fed false images to the CCTV cameras. Where's Ingrid?

- Gone. Forever, with any luck.
- What? Where?

She's lost in the secret passageways.

But we'll find her, I promise - as soon as we've sorted Renfield.

Will you help us?

- If I can have the alarm unit for Ingrid's tag.
- Sure.

Incoming!

SPOOKY NOISES

SHE SHRIEKS

This is not good. Not good at all.

What exactly are you doing? He'll work out we're back here soon.

- I just need a few more seconds.
- OK, I'm ready.

You sure you want to go after Ingrid alone?

- If you just wait...
- I can't, she might be in trouble.

Don't worry, sweet fangs! I'm coming!

- Sweet fangs?!
- Ingrid involved with a breather?

Does run in the family. Me and Erin, you and Miss McCauley...

you and my mum, you and Jonno's mum, you and Robin's...

All right, all right. Point made. Can we just get on?

Wow!

This feels like I'm the hunter in Search for Warriors' Gold !

GROANING NOISE

OK, now it feels like I'm the hunted in Search for Warriors' Gold .

SCANNER BEEPING

Gotcha!

Hi, Renfield! Think he can see us yet?

Bound to. Even that buffoon must have found us by now.

Who's he calling a buffoon! Take that!

Boring!

We're not running away any more, Renfield.

We know you haven't got the guts to actually hit us.

Once a spineless amoeba, always a spineless amoeba.

You think so, do you?!

Well, let's see how you like these apples, then, eh!

Is that the best you can do, you pathetic pile of bat droppings?

Take that, and that, and this. And try one more of these, eh?

I've done it.

I've dusted Master Vlad.

And the Master.

DOOR OPENS

Good news, I can see you now.

Is this going to take much longer?

- Right then, Tabitha...
- My name's Talitha.

Really? Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, dear. There appears to have been an error.

Sorry.

COUNT KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

- Guess who?!
- What? How did you...?
- It was very simple.

I CGI'd a picture of two piles of dust,

overlaid it onto a still of the living room,

and then relayed it back to you, giving you a false feed on the CCTV.

That's my boy.

Well, Piers showed me how to do it, and it was kind of his idea...

But apart from that, it was all me.

And now I intend to cause you enormous pain and suffering.

I wouldn't if I were you...

You see, as a precaution,

I've programmed the security system to shut down in ten minutes' time,

leaving you open to att*ck by that army of assassins.

Of course, there is an override sequence, but I'm the only

one who knows it - and I'll only input it on one condition.

Bitey, bitey.

GROWLING AND HISSING

SHE GASPS

Wow! You are pleased to see me.

Momentary lapse, won't happen again. How did you find me?

Turned this into a receiver and tracked you using your tag.

Just need to link it back to the main unit upstairs...

No, wait - did you steal it from Vlad?

No, he gave it to me. He was worried about you.

Were you seriously going to dust him?

We're Draculas. It's what we do.

But he's your brother. You'd miss him.

Look. Can we just get out of here, please?

GROWLING

As much as I've dreamt of this moment,

I didn't intend it to be my last on the planet.

Come on, it's this way.

You're going to have to bite him.

Never.

Dad, if those defences go down, we'll be

invaded by dozens of assassins all desperate to dust us.

Do you really want a Ramanga sitting on your throne?

Pfft! Less than three minutes left.

In a few days, I'm going to be The Chosen One and I am going to have to

accept all the responsibility that comes with that.

I don't want to - but apparently, it's my destiny,

and I'm stuck with it, forever.

All you're being asked to do is put your family first.

Is that really too much to ask?

You're certainly growing into your new role.

Very well.

Do that computer-y thing and I'll bite you, you snivelling slug.

Oh, no, you're not tricking me again.

Bite me first, then I'll give you the code. Two minutes.

You doubt my word?

Course I do, cos you're a big, fat liar. Two minutes.

Fat!? I am the same size now as I was in .

Will you just do it!

Can we please at least wash his neck first? Look at it!

I've got a hanky. You could give me a quick spit wash with that, eh?

HE GROANS

Never mind.

We're back! Thank you!

DRACULA CLEARS THROAT

Oh, you made it. How very disappointing.

Good job, breather! What happened with Renfield?

Ah. Ta-da!

Ta-da!

Oh. Ah!

- So you actually bit that flea-ridden...
- I had no choice!

The insect threatened to lower the defences

- and let in the horde of assassins.
- Oh, the assassins, right.

Get us something to drink, Renfield.

No.

Actually, that potion seems to be losing effect

since I turned into a biter.

- How about a squirrel smoothie?
- Anything!

Anything that'll take the disgusting taste of you out of my mouth!

- Tomato juice.
- Whatever!

Taken the reins already, eh, bro?

OK, Master Vlad. Back in a jiffy.

LOUD CRASH

THEY LAUGH, RENFIELD GROANS

I'll walk.

- Is everything OK?
- How was the VHC?

Total waste of time.

Wait a minute, how did you get past the security system?

Ah, you know.

Well, if you can get past it, so can the assassins!

- Assassins?
- Yes.

I didn't see any assassins.

SHE WHISTLES

This is awkward.

I bit...that slimy, unwashed...

For nothing!

OK, look, look, we'll hold our hands up.

We've not been % honest with you

and we're really sorry.

But Ingrid has learnt her lesson and from now on,

she just wants to be a team player.

Right, sweet fangs?

Possibly, just maybe not as wussy as you said it.

It's not like you have much of a choice, is it?

In three days, Vlad will be master of all he surveys.

Don't count your bats, Dad, a lot can happen in hours.