07x01 - 2017

[bunniefuu]

I mean, there were rumors
that they were gonna

announce it next month, but they
must have gotten impatient. Okay.

Whatever they say,
we need to come up

with 10,000 possible responses
to 10,000 possible scenarios.

Okay, just to remind you,

I don't work for
the National Park Service.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are
those scenarios coming?

Okay, look. Before we go in there,
you need to know something.

- He's here.
- Who's here?

The guy whose name you
forbid me from saying

out loud because it fills you
with rage.

Look, I don't know
who he's working for,

but I guess he's part of one
of the bidding groups.

Are you gonna be able
to be civil in there?

I'm perfectly civil.

He's the stupid garbage-head
doo-doo face.

Perfect.

Thank you all for coming.

I am Trevor Nelson, legal
council to the Newport family.

The Newport family trust intends
to sell a 25-square mile parcel

of pristine, undeveloped land
containing Lake Eagleton

and the Southern
Indiana foothills.

Why now? The Newports have
owned this land for 100 years.

Thanks to the recent economic
boom in Pawnee,

real estate prices are
at an all time high.

And in the words of
Jessica Wicks-Newport,

heir to the entire
Newport fortune, quote,

"It's time to trade those dumb, old
trees for a butt load of cash."

It is. It truly is.

This land is begging to be
a new national park.

And it's in my own backyard.

This could be my crowning
achievement.

I could retire.

I mean, I wouldn't.

I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then
cut back to four days a week.

Oh, God, I'm already so bored
thinking about that one day off.

Maybe I'll go to law school
or something.

We will select the finalists

from a set of initial sealed
bids due at 5:00 P.M. tomorrow.

Good luck.

- Okay.
- Cool.

- There he is.
- What?

- Okay.
- He's here?

- He is coming over.
- I don't want to talk to him.

I should hide.
No, he should hide.

He should run.
He should run away.

He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be--

Hello, Ms. Knope.

Hello, former strange person
I used to friend.

You're looking very...

Ron-like.

- You have your same hair.
- No, I don't. I have bangs now.

I've never known what bangs are,
and I don't intend to learn.

Well, maybe you should!

I left the parks department
two years ago.

Now I work in
the private sector,

running my own building
and development company.

It's called Very Good Building
& Development Company.

I wanted to convey the quality of
our work without seeming flashy.

So your company is involved
with one of the bidders?

Hell yeah, pimp!

He's on team Gryzzl now.

We, uh, hired his company to help
plan and build our new Gryzzl campus.

Right here in town.
Oh, and that land?

Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.

- The trees and rocks and sky.
- Yes, the land has good sky.

This guy! He's so far out.

So norm-core.

You know that the National
Park System deserves this land.

Why are you trying
to screw me?

This is like Morning
Star all over again.

This is nothing like
Morning Star.

And that was
two years ago.

Well, you don't know who you're dealing
with. I directly oversee 1,200 people.

I have a staff
of creative geniuses

that will not stop working
until we win this bid.

Leslie?

I-I couldn't find that file
you wanted,

but I did find a file called
bird census, 1980.

- And... it's empty.
- Get out of here, Ed!

- I fired you.
- Right.

If anyone wants to hang,
I will be at Subway.

He's very stupid.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Babe? Just dropped off
Leslie's triplets with her mom.

All three of 'em.
Nailed it.

Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker.

- Great.
- Yeah.

Um, so hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.

And don't forget, tomorrow we
have to go to that guy's office

to sign the renter's insurance
forms.

Get ready. Go.

Everything is going great.

April's kicking ass at her
National Parks job.

Uh, I work there part time.
And I have my own TV show.

Welcome back to the Johnny Karate
Super Awesome Musical expl*si*n Show.

Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.

It's Mailman Barry.
Morning, Barry.

- I have something for you.
- Andy, no.

- Ninjas att*ck!
- No. Oh God. Andy!

Oh! That's my crotch.

Okay, guys.
Three more kicks a piece.

Uh, Jessica? Hi.

I'm glad I caught you
before you left.

Just between you and me,
what do you think your land

might sell for tomorrow?

Trevor says it'll probably be
around $90 million.

Ah ha! Woo!

- Oh.
- Oh--oh, wow.

I know. I am just--I
am so happy for me.

Would you ever consider giving
the federal government a discount?

For a very good cause?
A national park.

Oh, Leslie.
I have always liked you.

Yeah, no, you
haven't, though.

But I also like money.
And money pays for my lifestyle.

Leslie doesn't pay for my
lifestyle, money does.

So between money
and Leslie...

Uhh-uh

- You see the bind that I'm in?
- Yeah, it's a tough one.

Well, thank you, Jessica.

You did and said exactly what
I thought you were gonna do and say.

- And that's oddly comforting.
- Thank you, sweetie.

Who is Tom Haverford?

He's a mentor,
a lover, a hero.

But who is my hero?
Simple.

It's me. Five
years from now.

Okay, I really only need a correct
spelling of your last name.

You are looking at one of Indiana
Business monthly's 35 under 35.

I own Pawnee's
hottest restaurant,

two fast-casual eateries,
and the Tommy Chopper.

We serve chopped salads out of
a decommissioned m*llitary helicopter.

I'm a mogul now.

Hey, Tom?

Ben Wyatt, city manager
of Pawnee.

Chamber of Commerce asked
me to introduce him

at a very fancy black
tie gala tonight.

One of the many area big wigs who comes
to me for life advice, fashion tips.

Uh, you get it.
Write this all down.

So for the introduction, I'd love
it if you could just keep it brief.

Like, stick to my
fiscal accomplishments.

Oh, wanna wake me up when you're
done boring us to death?

Am I right, Janet?

Write down that I'm funny.

Benji? Relax, come on.
When's Tommy ever let you down?

Constantly.

I'm being honored at a gala
tonight because I'm in charge

of the Pawnee bicentennial
celebration.

It's my biggest project
since ice town.

So it really means a lot that I'm
being recognized as a city leader,

instead of being yelled at
and pelted with things.

Wait, you don't think
this is all an elaborate setup

to pelt me with
things, do you?

It takes like eight hours
to cook something in this thing.

I guess I could pick up
a brisket tomorrow

and start it for
dinner Thursday.

Oh, Thursday's no good. I have
production meetings all day.

Then we've got dinner
with Joe and Donna on Friday.

Hey, you know, Sunday.

We can go to the farmer's market,
put the brisket in the slow cooker,

get a movie on
pay per view.

The new Jason Bourne movie's
supposed to be pretty funny.

Andy?

We're planning
our whole week.

Like old people. We used
to be spontaneous and weird.

We used to eat cereal out of frisbees
because we didn't have any bowls.

You once broke a rib trying
to wrestle one of those

- inflatable floppy guys
at a car dealership. - I won.

Now you sprained your shoulder trying
to clean out the stupid gutter.

You even have a job.
We have a bank account!

That's it.

We've held out as long as we
could, but it finally happened.

We're boring. We're boring people who
will bore each other by being boring.

No! We are still fun.
I'm gonna prove it to you.

Tonight at the gala, we are gonna
do something spontaneous and weird.

Okay.

Stop taunting me.

Get on the phone to Washington.

Call in every favor
that we have.

Dave, put Missouri
on the back burner.

This is top priority.

You all have 36 hours
to find me $90 million.

Go!

Whoa, $90 million?

Well, I only have $2 million
in the discretionary fund

and I've already used some of it
to make Thomas Jefferson sexier

in those Mount Rushmore
promotions.

Which, by the way,
attendance has been up.

That's not a coincidence.

Pawnee's rich and famous
will all be here tonight.

- Maybe you start there.
- That is a very smart idea.

And that tuxedo makes you look
like a sexy orchestra conductor.

- Here, wave this pen around.
- Focus.

Fine. Let's go
get that park.

That park is my dream.
I'm not gonna let it slip away.

Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron
have more money?

I have the most valuable
currency in America.

A blind, stubborn belief that
what I am doing is 100% right.

Ken Hotate.
Great bow tie, is that new?

Why, yes it is.
My son sells them on Etsy.

He is a huge disappointment.

Oh, well. Now that we're chatting,
the National Park Service

is looking to buy
the Newport land.

But we're a little
short on funds.

- How short?
- $88 million.

What do you say you put some of
that casino money to good use?

You know, we have been
considering opening a second resort.

No, it would
be a donation.

The government would
keep the land.

So you would like
the Wamapoke people to pay

the federal government millions
of dollars to buy land

that was stolen from us
by the federal government?

And we don't even get
to keep the land?

Well, when you put it like
that, I see the irony.

So are you in? No?

What if I buy some of your disappointing
son's bolo ties? Damn it.

Hey, check it out.
I'm so crazy and spontaneous,

I don't even need
this sling anymore.

- Yes.
- Pa-dow.

Oh! Oh, did you
hear that pop?

Could you hear that?

- You wanna do sh*ts?
- Yeah, I'd love to do a sh*t.

'Cause wine makes
me sleepy now.

This is gonna be fun.
What do you want to do first?

I dare you to eat this
entire jug of olives.

Done!

- What are you doing?
- I'mma take a Zantac.

All that salt will give me
heartburn.

Oh, God. You ruined it.

We--we have to figure
something else out.

Should I still
take the Zantac?

Yeah, you always feel
better when you do.

Oh, my God, I hate us!

Let's go.

Now, I know all of you are off
doing your own things

and we don't see each other
as much as we used to,

but I need my old team back
for one last mission.

So hands in.
Defeat Ron on three.

- One, two, three!
- Ooh.

Actually, Ron promised me
I could build a restaurant

on the new Gryzzl campus so I'm
kind of totally on Ron's side.

Okay. Tom's dead to me. Donna?
Waiting for your hand.

Yeah, Ron hired Regal Meagle
realty to broker the deal.

And I'm gonna need
the money for my wedding.

Shia LaBeouf-designed wedding
dresses do not come cheap.

Oh, my God, you're
getting married?

That's amazing.
And you didn't tell me earlier?

How could you?

Joe popped the question
a few days ago.

I didn't post anything on Gryzzlfeed
'cause I wanted to tell you in person.

This is very beautiful.
And I'm furious at you.

How are you?
How are the kids?

Oh, they're great. You know. They're trying
to destroy us. There's three of them.

It's insane.
But they're great.

We gotta run, Les.
Sorry for totally crushing it.

And you in the process.
Later.

Well, never fear,
because Terry is here.

Yes, I go by Terry now.

Because there was a guy
at National Parks,

he was already
named Larry.

So they suggested
I go by Terry.

And then I said my real name is
Gary and they said, who cares.

So. It's just a fun group.

Good evening, and welcome
to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala.

Not long ago, this town
was barely on the map.

Unless you were talking about a map of
the cities with the most obese pets.

But then, one great man came along
and he lifted all of us up.

And that man was me.
Tom Haverford.

Owner and proprietor
of the effortlessly chic,

celebrity-packed Italian
restaurant, Tom's Bistro.

- And several other establishments.
- Ron? How could you?

I simply took a skewer for one
shrimp and added many shrimp to it.

They're long enough
for five or six.

First you try to steal my park
and now you steal my team?

I didn't steal them.

They're independent people who have moved
onto better things, just like you did.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp.
I fit seven on this one.

It's a masterpiece.

Why don't you shove them all
in your dumb mouth

and then when I turn around, you can
s*ab me in the back with the skewer?

People come up to me
and they say things like,

Tom, given all that you've
accomplished,

is it hard to stay humble?

And I say... not for me.

I'm pretty amazing
at being humble.

But, enough about me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

Pawnee's man of the year 2017,
Mr. Ben Wyatt.

Thank you. Thanks.

And thank you to Tom for that
moving tribute to you.

And thank you to the boys and
girls club for the incredibly

lifelike paper-mache statue.

You know, when I first moved
here--

Oh, uh. I guess
it's time for cake?

Okay. Great. Perfect.
Timing.

Oh, how about this?

We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on,
everybody's fancy jewelry is missing.

Meanwhile, you and I are already
on a boat to the airport.

Let's put stink bombs
in all the vents.

- Yes.
- Wait, no.

I forgot. I got rid of all the stink
bombs before you babysat Leslie's kids.

Being responsible adults
sucks butts.

Butts, that's it.
I'll streak across the stage.

Yes, I love it.

I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.

Everyone is gonna
see my weiner.

I mean, you've seen it.
You know how dumb it looks.

- Uh-huh.
- Perfect plan.

Why are you even here?

What have you ever
done for this city?

My company has stimulated
Pawnee's economy.

You're just still upset
about Morning Star.

I told you to never say
that word to me.

No one should ever say
that word out loud.

It's like Voldemort.
Or Ron.

You know what?
You don't deserve that candle.

- Gimme that candle!
- Let go. Let go.

This candle's mine.
No, give me this candle.

You steal my team,
I steal your candle.

- I stole nothing.
- Neh.

- Guys? - I want it!
- Leslie.

Stop!

It's okay.
Everything's fine.

Just wheel out
the backup cake.

There is no backup cake.

Who doesn't bake
a backup cake?

Okay, well that seals it.

Even Leslie is
crazier than we are.

They're still gonna serve
that cake, right?

And then I said, uh, you might
want to check with the penguin.

I get it.

You Gryzzl guys
are a real hoot.

- And you have so much money.
- Thanks, Jessie.

And, hey, enjoy that new
prototype Gryzzl tablet, huh?

I will. I just love it.

Thank you, Jessica.
I love you too.

I love your skin.
Give me your skin.

- Oh. - There's still a couple
bugs with the A.I. software.

But, uh, maybe just turn it off
before you go to sleep.

All right, Donna.
Let's hit it.

- About to get some peddies.
- Okay.

Peddies on peddies
on peddies.

Okay. You're next.

Hello, Ron.

I just want you to know
that I am not sorry

that I pushed you into
a giant cake.

Well, I am sorry.
That I attended a public event.

Yo, Ron? Come on, bud.

We're gonna go play some video games
and we want you to watch quietly.

After we drop off the renter's
insurance forms,

we need to stop by
the grocery store.

And then we need to sign
a su1c1de pact,

because our lives
are meaningless.

Babe, we are not
boring people.

Would boring people get
renter's insurance,

even though it's not
legally required?

Where are we?

I have never once been
to this part of Pawnee.

It's the creepy
warehouse district.

It's mostly just raccoons
and old car batteries.

Whoa, hang on.
Pull over.

Look at that.

- This place is amazing.
- Let's go in.

What up, playa?

Just wanted to apologize
for my intro running long.

But, uh, you know. When it comes
to inspirational Will Smith quotes,

how are you gonna
stop at ten?

You know, when the Chamber
of Commerce asked you to introduce me,

I was a little worried you would spend
the entire time talking about yourself,

which is exactly
what you did.

I'm sorry.

Truth is, they didn't ask me
to introduce you.

I asked them if
I could do it.

I was gonna talk about
how I owe you so much.

How you stood by me through all
my failures and I stood by you

through all your
terrible outfits.

But when I got up there,
I got pretty emotional.

To make it up to you, I'd like
to read you the speech now.

I've known a lot of
ballers in my day.

But no man balls harder than
the man I'm about to bring up.

He's kind, he's intelligent.

He's a person I'm deeply proud
to call my friend.

Pretty good speech.
I mean, it was, um...

a little sappy, maybe.

I think I liked it.

Jessica, Mr. Nelson.

You are going to hear
a lot of bids today.

But this is the only one
that matters.

Is this a circle?

Or, is it an "O"?

Is Oprah involved
in your bid?

It's a zero.

I bid zero dollars.

I have to say, that's one of
the lower one's we've seen.

Pawnee is celebrating its
200th anniversary,

and the Newport family has
been here since day one.

Through feast and famine,
transformation, upheaval, celebration.

The Newport family is part of
the fabric of this town,

and not always
in a good way.

Like when your hot fudge
pipeline exploded.

Oh, boo hoo.
It all ran off into the lake.

Well, yes. Admittedly, it did
make the fish taste delicious,

but it was a P.R. nightmare.

My question is this.

What do you want the Newport
name to mean in the future?

If you donate this land and you let
me turn it into a national park--

the Newport National Park--

your name will stand
for something good.

For generations to come.

How much was
her bid again?

It was, uh...
zero dollars.

Oh. That's the part
I don't like.

Just keep me in
the running.

Give me a chance to prove
to you how great this could be.

Says here there are 12
closets, three b*mb shelters,

five dumb waiters, two
and three eights baths.

No kitchens.

It's a fairly
standard layout.

Cool, is that a staircase
to nowhere?

Yes, it is. Good eye.

What was this place?

Remember the Pawnee
doll head factory?

- This was a doll head factory?
- No.

This was a holding cell for people who
went insane on the assembly line.

What's behind this door?

Fire poll.

So this place has had
zero offers?

People seem to be
scared off

on account of it
being haunted...

and disgusting.

After 47 years
living here,

I decided to move to Orlando
to be closer to Disney World.

We are responsible adults.

- You know what that means.
- I know.

We have money and we are going
to buy the sh*t out of this house.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

Who needs rental insurance?
We're gonna live here.

We now go live to the press
conference.

Good evening.

I'm attorney Trevor Nelson
with the law firm

Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt,
Babip, Pecota, Vorp, and Eckstein.

Legal counsel
to the Newport family.

Here to announce that the
Newport family trust

has narrowed the search
to two final candidates.

The Gryzzl Corporation
and the National Park Service.

Okay. I'm in the game.

All I have to do is convince
them that it's better taking

no money than taking
$90 million.

Well, you did convince three
unsuspecting toddlers

that peas turn into cupcakes
in their tummies.

I started my career in Pawnee by turning
a pit into a cool, little park.

And now, I have the chance
to give this town a massive,

beautiful gift that
they can use forever.

In the words of
Jason Bourne,

"This is where it started
for me, this is where it ends."

Yeah, you know, I still think Kevin James
was a weird choice for the reboot.

Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.

So I'm thinking in addition
to the Tom's Bistros,

we have a hyper exclusive lounge
area called Tommy's Lounge.

Attention! This is w*r.

You guys are going down.
And that's all I wanted to say.

Except Donna, Tom. Hey.

I'm--I'm sorry I haven't kept in
better touch with you recently.

But I've just, you know, I'm a little
preoccupied with my kids and my job.

so it's really good
seeing you both.

And also, prepare for w*r.

Because you chose the wrong side
and we are gonna smoke you.

And also, I made cookies. But
Ron is not allowed to eat them.

And they say prepare
for w*r on them.

But the "O" in the word
for is a heart.

And...

I ate a lot of them on the way
over here, because we're at w*r.

- Hey, Tom.
- Hey, man.

- Buddy, good to see you.
- How's it going?

- It's pretty good.
- Hey, Andy!

Let's go.

w*r.