07x04 - Leslie and Ron

[bunniefuu]

No. No. No.

Sorry, Ron.
Doors are locked.

We've taken your
keycards and your phones

and the a*t*matic timer won't go
off until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

You're trapped in there.

We told security not to disturb
you under any circumstances.

And the phones and Internet?
Oh, they've been disconnected.

And I left a rusty
hacksaw on the table.

So, the first person who hacks
their face off gets released.

That's not...
What? Is that true?

Guys, this is insane,
okay? Let us out.

Oh, my God, babe, Game of
Thrones is on tonight!

It's the series finale.

Khaleesi is
marrying Jack Sparrow.

Oh, God, that show has
really gone off the rails.

Look, it makes sense
if you've read the books.

Look, our baby
monitor is on the table.

If you guys can talk this out and
settle your differences like grown-ups,

turn it on and I will come
to get you from my office.

Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m.
Tomorrow morning.

I am going to break out of here.

Then, I am going
to snap you in half.

Hey!

This is not his fault, Swanson.

Be a man and get
your house in order.

You, too, Knope.

Good luck, you guys.
I really hope

you can work out
your differences.

Terry. Look at me.

Is this what you want to do?

Think very carefully, son.

There you go.
That's right, buddy.

Come on.

For once in your life,
do something right.

Stop it, Terry!
Both of you. Come on.

Damn it, Terry!

Ripped By mstoll

Okay. Think. There must
be a way out of here.

I don't think there is.

They installed
these magnetic locks

two years ago.
There's no way around them.

Yes, there is. I'll simply punch
my fist through a window.

Ron, there's security wire in there.
You'll slice your arm open.

I would rather
bleed out than sit here

and talk about my
feelings for 10 hours.

There is another way.

We'll just wait a few minutes,
turn on this monitor,

and then we'll tell Ben

that we talked it
out and made up.

I'll just tell them
that I apologized

for, whatever,

heroically caring too much.

And you admitted that you
were a stubborn butthead,

and everything's fine now.

Why do I have to be stubborn?

Why can't the problem have been

that I was reasonable
and you were at fault?

Because we want
them to believe us

and not laugh really hard

at a ridiculous
science-fiction scenario.

We are not saying
I was the problem.

If we're going to lie to them,

I will not let you lie to them.

Fine, I'll tell them that,
for the past three years,

you've been a perfect
gentleman and scholar,

and I am an insane weirdo

who, despite being
the only reason

we even had a
friendship to begin with,

decided to ruin it, out of the
blue, for no good reason.

That sounds good.
Let's go with that.

Hut!

What are you doing?

I destroyed the monitor!

What if we have an emergency
and have to get out of here?

I did not consider
that possibility!

Everything's different.

I mean, the furniture,
the pictures...

Craig changed everything.

Did he?

I tried not to notice anything
when I worked here.

Or talk to anyone,
or learn anyone's name.

You of all people
should know that, Lauren.

Look, we are going to
be here for 10 hours.

We can either talk about our issues
and work through our problems,

or we can just sit
here doing nothing.

I choose "sit here."

Come on,
Ron, why don't we just...

Sit here.

Ron.
Sit here.

I bet I can make you talk.

I'll take that bet at any odds,
for any amount of money,

over any length of time stretching
from now into infinity.

Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk to me.

Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me.
Talk. Talk. Talk.

Talk to me!

Drip. Drip. One word,
and this is over.

I think wood is stupid,
and so does everybody else.

You guys, Ron loves plastic.

Last chance, Ron.

You want to talk? Huh?

Ah-hah!

Jackpot.

You know what this is, Ron?

This is a mix I made for the
summer Parks barbecue, 2007.

I asked everyone in the Parks
Department to choose one song.

You chose Buddy
by Willie Nelson.

A fact I remember
because my mind

is a steel trap of
friendship nuggets.

But I am not going
to play your choice.

I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.

Ooh! That's right.

And I'm gonna sing along.

And I'm gonna maintain eye
contact the whole time.

And guess what?
I don't know the words.

Harry Truman was a guy

America, Red China

All the countries, other people

Everyone is fun

Joe Mantegna, lan McKellen

I have to buy a new toaster

This is awesome You're so stupid

Jumping up and down

Whoo!

I got it on repeat.
Come on, Ron.

Do you want to hear it again,
or do you want to talk?

No? Okay, next verse.

Freddy Krueger
bought some pants

Oprah has a turtle farm

Peter Piper pee-pee poopy

Daddy ate a squirrel

Stop this!

I will speak with
you for three minutes.

Great.

So,

what would you
like to talk about?

Oh, come on, Ron. We were
friends for 10 years.

We were work
proximity associates.

We were friends.
And now we're not.

And once again, it is up to
me to save our friendship.

And I will do so using the most
powerful tool known to man.

A well-organized chart.

Three years ago, I accept
a job at National Parks.

You and I see each other less,
admittedly, due to my busy schedule

and your utter lack of interest

in maintaining
adult friendships.

Work proximity
associate-ships.

Three months later,
April comes to work for me.

We throw her a party.

At her request,
the party's theme

is "Zombie Teenage
Biker g*ng Pizza Jamboree."

I remember. You made
me wear a leather jacket.

That is the last time you and I see
each other for more than five minutes.

Three months later, you come
and visit me at my office

on the third floor
for the very first time.

One week later,
I return from a trip,

and I find out you have
quit the Parks Department

and you have started
your own building company

without even
bothering to tell me.

"Oh, well," I think to myself, "You
know, it was only a matter of time."

And then, two months after that,

Morningstar,

the final twist of the Kn*fe.

Oh, for God's sake.

I hear about Morningstar,

and I calmly saunter
down to your office

and attempt to have a rational
discussion with you about it.

What the hell, Ron?

You're building
your stupid building

on the block next
to Pawnee Commons?

The park that I built
from scratch out of a pit?

This building is gonna
ruin the views, you jerk.

And you're gonna tear
all the houses down?

Yes.

Ann lived there, Ron.

That's Ann's old house. That's
my best friend's old house.

That was the house where I
put on my wedding dress

the night I got married.

That is the house where April and
Andy met for the first time.

That is the house where Ann gave
me my first ever smoky-eye look.

She hasn't lived
there for five years.

That's not the point.

This building is a monstrosity.

And what's it called?
"Morningstar?"

"Oh, dear.

"We live at the Morningstar.

"That's so posh
and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."

The world needs
apartment buildings.

The park you built is nice and
people want to live next to it.

That's not the point.

You knew that I
would be furious,

and you didn't have the
guts to tell me yourself.

Enjoy your new job, Judas.

You tear
down Ann's house.

You spend the next two years
cutting down trees

and fighting zoning
laws that I helped pass,

basically spitting on everything
we did together at Parks.

That's not the whole story.

What does that mean?

It means what it means. That

is not the whole
story of why I left.

Sorry,

your time is up.
Wait.

Why then?
What was the reason?

Ron, come on.

Oh, my God, you made a key?

Ron, please, don't...

Come on, Ron.

Ron, just talk to me.

Ron, come on!

See you tomorrow morning.

Okay. Progress.

Is it that I sent you a birthday
card through the US mail

so the post office
knew your address?

No. Go away.

Oh, is it because I had Food and
Stuff temporarily shut down

due to a health code violation?

That was you?

They had fresh produce out
right next to the roach spray.

The name of the store
is Food and Stuff.

They sell food,
and they sell stuff.

If you don't like it, go to
that new place, Complete Food.

It's called Whole Foods.

And is that really the reason?
No.

How many more questions
are you going to ask me?

As many as I need to
to solve this mystery

and get us engaged

in a deep and stimulating
conversation about our friendship.

Ron, what are you doing?

I know I saw it. Ah-hah!

Detonator.

The partially defused Claymore
mine you gave me 10 years ago.

I'm gonna use it to blow
a hole in this damn door

so I can get out of here.

Ron, just wait a second.

No. I'm being held as a
prisoner against my will,

and I have the right, as a
citizen of the United States,

to blow a hole in that... door

and walk out as a free man.

It's in the Constitution.

There's no cursing
in the Constitution.

Look, before you do that...

Too late. Here we go.
Fire in the hole!

Woo-hoo!

I gave you that as a gift

on your fifth anniversary
as Parks director.

You told me

this was a genuine partially
defused Claymore mine.

Well, it was.

I bought the empty
shell off of eBay,

and then I filled
it with, you know,

balloons and confetti and such.

You mean to tell me I have had
a toy on my desk for 10 years?

You mean to tell me

you've thought you had an
actual land mine on your desk?

Congratulations, Ron.
You've been doing an expl*sive job!

Come on, Ron. It's funny stuff.
Who gets angry at balloons?

Good talk.

What's all this?

I'm just reading back through
some of our old projects,

trying to figure out what
happened that made you quit.

Good God, woman.

This is a code.
I am going to break it.

And this is my best sh*t.

- Is that nuclear waste?
- No.

This is my job application
from when you hired me.

How did you get that?

Freedom of
Information Act request.

But here's the thing.
I've never read it.

This application contains your
very first impressions of me.

It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron.

The beginning of
the whole shebang.

This is all you wrote?
Three lousy lines?

Why would anyone need
more than three lines?

I'm describing a person,

not something complicated
like a wooden sailing ship

or proper dovetail technique.

I forgot what I wrote.
Can I hear it?

Why don't you read it yourself?

"Leslie Knope is
an absurd idealist

"whose political leanings are slightly
to the left of Leon Trotsky."

So far, so accurate.

"If we were to work together, she
would undoubtedly drive me insane,

"and it is possible that we
would m*rder each other."

You forgot the last sentence.

No, I didn't.

I remember that part.
It says, "Hire her."

Did you hear that?

It's a person.
It's another person!

Hello! Hello! Janitor!

Hey! Hey, we're trapped in here!
Hey!

Please, Mr. Janitor.

If you just look over
here for two seconds,

I'll do anything.
Hey!

I'll watch a foreign film. I'll
talk to a man with a ponytail.

Oh! He's gone, Ron.
He's gone.

Why did you give me the job?

And that's what I don't get.

We should've never worked together.
Why did you hire me?

Because of your interview.

Okay, that doesn't
make any sense.

I mean, I remember
that interview.

You were wearing
that exact outfit.

And you said to me, "Ms. Knope,
I have one question for you.

"What do you believe the role
of government is in America?"

You blathered on for 10 minutes

about social safety nets
and honest governance

and improving lives.
Basic nonsense.

Then you said, "Everything that
just came out of your mouth

"is basic nonsense.

"Good day."
And that was it.

No, that was not it.

After I said you
were full of it,

you got very angry
and scrunched up your face

and said, "Excuse me,
sir, but I disagree."

Did you let me have it?

That was one of your
top-10 tirades, I'd say.

You were pounding
your fist and shaking.

You called me a heartless thug.

I most certainly did not.

You were tough and honest,

and you stood up for
what you believed in,

even though it might've k*lled
your chance to get the job.

I would rather work
with a person like that

than with a
milquetoast yes-man.

Should be one more
thing in that file.

Oh, it's the thank-you note I
wrote to you after the interview.

You kept it.

"Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry for
raising my voice in the interview,

"and I'm sorry I called you a heartless
thug." Oh, well, okay. There you go.

"If it matters,
I promise I would never

"raise my voice at you
if we worked together."

Liar. Yeah, I was being
really optimistic.

"Please enjoy
these homemade brownies

"as a gesture of
goodwill. Leslie Knope."

That was the real
reason I hired you.

Those brownies were damn good.

Ron,

look how far we've come.
We're doing so great.

Let's just bring it home, okay?

Let's just talk
about our issues.

Leslie, don't push it.

Okay, fine. If I guess and guess
right, you have to tell me. Ready?

Two years ago, you found out
you were a quarter French

and you had a nervous breakdown.

Okay, playtime is over.

I'm getting out of
here once and for all.

No, Ron! God, no!

That alarm is
just for sprinklers.

April kept pulling it. So the
fire department disconnected it.

I see.

Ron?
I found some towels.

You okay?

Wow.

Apparently,
Craig is studying yoga.

These are the only dry
clothes I could find.

Well, you look great.

I feel extremely angry.

Oh, come on. Stop
whining, you big baby.

I've seen you with
your eyebrows blown off.

I've seen you without a mustache.
I've seen it all.

There's nowhere to run, Ron.

You have tried every
possible means of escape.

There's nothing to do but talk.

What happened to these workplace
proximity associates?

Hmm?

Spill it.

You left.

Then a month later,
you took Terry with you.

Yeah, well, we needed a mindless
factotum, and he's the best there is.

Amen.

Then you took April.

I didn't want her to go,

as she had become one of my
closest workplace acquaintances.

But your offer was too good to pass up.
So I didn't try to stop her.

Then Tom left to run his business.
Donna left to run hers.

One day, I looked up.

Just didn't recognize anyone.

So I made a decision.

An unthinkable decision.

Hey.

Well, my, my, my. Do my eyes deceive me?
Is that Ron Swanson?

Hello, Leslie.
Hello, April. Larry.

Uh, It's Terry now.

Okay.

As luck would have it...
One second.

Did you talk to
Randy about the vote?

Tell the Northeast that we
need to put pressure on them,

or else we're gonna
be waiting forever,

and I'm tired of waiting
on them, okay? Okay.

Sorry, this is a crazy day.

So what's up with you,
you big lug?

Nothing important.

Just thought you might want
to have lunch. Tomorrow?

I would love to.
It's been too long.

JJ's Diner, 12:30?

Excellent. See you then. Okay.

So Randy says the House
is voting tomorrow,

and they need us in
Washington to prep.

Oh, my God, really?
Yeah.

Okay, get us the first flight out of
here and grab the Missouri files.

Meet me at my car.

Hey, babe. I got to go to Washington.
Can you pick up the kids?

Oh...

Oh, no. Ron,
I stood you up for lunch.

You did, yes.

I waited for a while,

but it was pretty easy to
figure out what had happened.

Your life seemed pretty hectic.

Is that the rest of the story?

That I stood you up?

You were going to
ask me something.

That's why you
wanted to have lunch.

Ron, you were going...

I was gonna ask you for a job.

In the federal government.

Just saying it out
loud feels dirty.

You missed your friends,

and you wanted to come up to the
third floor and work with us again.

I can't even imagine how hard
that must have been for you.

God, why didn't I see that?

Ron, I am so sorry.

I should've been
a better friend to you.

Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.

It was a punctuation mark on a sentence
that had already been written.

My time in government
work was over.

Sure, I loved
shutting things down

and bleeding the rotting
beast from the inside.

Your metaphors are so beautiful.

But it was time for me to leave,

and I didn't feel like
explaining why to you or anyone.

Everything that happened
after, the fight we had,

not giving you a heads-up
when my company took on

the Morningstar development

and bulldozed
the nurse's old house,

I do regret that.

I had a good run here.

But after you and Tom and Donna
and April and Terry left,

when I looked
around this office,

nothing was the same.

Yeah, well, there's
a way to fix that.

England's got a new queen

Everybody's really mean

We didn't start the fire

It was always burning

Since the world's been turning

Well, this is different
from what I expected to find.

Morning, guys.

Good morning, Leslie. What
did you do to the office?

Ron, you're
wearing my yoga clothes.

You're gonna
stretch out the elastic.

We're sorry.

Fire and money and people

Hey. I moved our
meetings to tomorrow

because you are
drunk and hungover

simultaneously at
2:00 in the afternoon.

Yeah, good call.

Also, you have a visitor.

No, whoever it is,
I have zero interest in...

Hello.
Ron!

Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron.

We just spent 12
hours together, woman.

Don't care.

I have three
years' worth of hugs

to force upon you
against your will.

I have a small object for you.

Call it an official
peace offering, I suppose.

Wow, this is very sweet.

But you do realize I gave you
this picture six hours ago.

The frame is the gift.

When my company took on the
Morningstar development,

and I realized it meant
bulldozing Ann's old house,

I salvaged her front door.

Then I stripped off all the
terrible paint and lacquer...

People really don't know how
to finish wood properly.

And I made it into this
frame for you in the event

that you and I ever...

Ron.

You big, fat, giant sap.

That seems unnecessary.

I love it.

But I feel bad. I don't
have anything for you.

For the first time in my life,
I am present-less.

How about you buy me a meal?

You hungry?
I'm starving.

April, Ron and I
are going to JJ's

to eat too much breakfast food.

Why does anybody in the world
ever eat anything but breakfast food?

People
are idiots, Ron.