07x09 - Pie-Mary

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the
Pawnee Bicentennial Scavenger Hunt.

Get ready for a full day of
hunting, maybe even days! Plural!

Enough talking.

Clues. Please and thank you.

Leslie warned me that Ron
was a master puzzle solver.

So, I have outdone myself.

This is the Lady Gaga
of scavenger hunts.

A complete work of genius wrapped
up in a disorienting mix

of confusing cultural
red herrings.

The treasure is buried beneath the
south-western most bench in Ramside Park.

How could you have possibly
figured that out already?

Once I determined
the cryptex was a false lead,

I realized the hidden clues
on the scrolls could be solved

within complete
columnar transposition.

The transposed words often
numerically link to numbers,

the sequence of which suggested
latitude and longitude.

Then, it was simply a matter
of accessing my mental sexton.

I'm shocked.

I ran this hunt plan by the
Indiana Puzzlers' Guild

and they gave it five out
of five Sherlock pipes.

Keep it.
And don't feel bad.

It's my curse.

Ripped By mstoll

We need to
go over the schedule

leading up to the primary.
Let's talk shop.

Ooh, shop talk. One of my
five favorite types of talk,

along with pillow,
girl, real, and TED.

Why are you wearing a poncho?

Oh, because every surface area

in your house is sticky.

Last time I was here, I found
a melted crayon on my blazer.

Okay. I have a photo op
with Gryzzl tomorrow.

Between now and then we have
a ton of stuff scheduled.

Looks like we're gonna have
to skip the pie baking event

and the ceremonial squash toss.

Oh, really? We
have to skip that?

I love watching those
squashes fly through the air.

I kind of like
the way they land.

Me, too.

Okay, excuse me, but I have
to get back to a city,

where things happen.

Okay. This campaign is
about to start in earnest.

Things are about to get real intense.
You ready?

I already made my pump up mix.

There's a surprising amount
of Pat Benatar. Nice.

I was talking to Leslie.

Me, Leslie?
Yeah.

Well, I was an actual
candidate, so I think

I can handle being
a candidate's wife.

I know all the issues
inside and out.

Mmm, see, that's the problem.

If you were just a ding-dong, I
would just slap a flag pin on you,

and pour some Valium
down your throat.

Everything would be fine.

It's the smarties
that freak people out.

I think you're
underestimating the voters.

I don't think
that is possible.

Being the wife-of
is a minefield.

Right, Ben?

You know, why don't you think of it
like sex freshman year of college?

You just want to get through it as fast as
possible without embarrassing yourself.

I'm using that as an
analogy to help you out

because I'm assuming
you were a late bloomer.

Not me. I crushed
it from day one.

Stephen, be careful!

Poncho!

I know you normally
hate foundations,

but this one I think
you'll actually like.

We take people that don't
know what they wanna do

and then put them to work doing
cool stuff all over the world.

And I start in a couple months.

Well, I had hoped you'd choose

a more dignified trade

like masonry or logging.

But you are out of
local government,

and that's a step in
the right direction.

It's definitely
the job I wanted.

But it means that we have
to move to Washington.

Well.

Then bully for you.

If you intend to move,
I suppose you should return

the spare key to my house.

The one I gave you years ago

when you were my assistant,
for emergencies.

Okay.

Good talk.

This neighborhood has been
mostly abandoned for years.

But now, thanks to
the new Gryzzl headquarters,

this district will
soon transform

into a hub of innovation
for decades to come.

Mister Wyatt.

Uh... Yes, I'm taking questions.
Yeah, what is it, Dad?

Your campaign
released a schedule.

And it looks like your wife
is skipping the Pie Mary.

Care to explain?

The Pie Mary is a Southern
Indiana tradition,

where Congressional
candidates' wives

face off in a
pie-baking contest.

The last contest's winner was June
Hartwell's buttermilk meringue.

Last contest's loser
was all women.

Leslie would be the first candidate's
wife not to enter the Pie Mary.

What kind of a statement
are you making by skipping it?

We're... I'm not making
any kind of statement.

We're just focusing
on bigger issues,

like Ben's $150 million
revitalization project.

Pardon me. I need to get through.
Pardon me. Excuse me.

Mike Patterson here.

Leslie, you made it pretty clear

that you don't think
homemaking is important.

Do you ever cook
for your children?

And who's even watching
your children right now

while you're out
God only knows where?

What are you talking about? I'm
standing right here in front of you.

Okay, take it easy.
Let's not get emotional.

Okay, we have to run.

We'll see you all at
my economic address.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

What other traditions
are you against, Leslie?

Baseball? Hugging
your children?

How much did that haircut cost?

None of your business.
And thank you for noticing.

My desk was right here.

Sitting right on top of it
this whole time.

How much money is it?
It's not money.

I told you. It's Ron's key.

I hid it in here years ago.

Hey!
Yeah. No. No key.

Just a note and a movie
ticket stub and four teeth.

"If you are looking for
Ron's key, I moved it,

"and you'll never find it.
Cordially, April."

Where'd you put it then?

I don't know.
It was eight years ago.

Oh, God. A key
to Ron's house

is lost in a
government building.

It's his worst nightmare.
Listen, babe.

All we gotta do
is train Champion

to sniff out Ron's key.

Okay. All we need is Ron's key

to give him a scent.

So give me the key

and I'll get you that key.

Welcome back to the program.
My guest is June Hartwell,

wife of incumbent
Congressman Paul Hartwell.

Now, June, we all know

what Ben Wyatt's wife
is really saying.

By skipping the Pie
Mary, she's saying,

"Women who love their
families are stupid."

Mike, we all make
certain choices.

Ms. Knope chose to
try to have it all.

I chose to put my family first.

Oh, I'm just speculating
here, but do you think that

Leslie Knope's actions indicate

that she actually
hates her family?

Well, it only took three
hours for Jen to be right.

I'm officially a distraction.

I'm gonna enter that Pie Mary.

This is just nonsense,
it'll blow over.

And the Pie Mary is
ridiculous and antiquated.

But the more they
talk about this,

the less they're gonna talk
about your economic plan.

Besides, I'm good
at making pies,

so I'll win and
then I can promote

my self-published women's
rights barbecue cookbook

The Feminine Mesquite.

Everything's fine.

Except you're gonna
need to get a new calculator

'cause I crushed this one in a blind
rage while I was watching the show.

Keep looking. It's a small, brown
box where I used to hide things.

It had an eagle
on the top of it.

I found this one, but it
has a falcon on the top.

I'll keep looking. No, that's it!
That's it, Andy!

Eagle, falcon, whatever.
Not whatever.

Eagles are more robust,
have stronger talents.

Didn't go to Bird School much?

Okay, let's see.

Garry's wedding ring, Tom's
watch, Kyle's car keys...

What the heck?

Wait, wait. I lost that wedding ring
down the sewer grate six years ago.

I know. And I fished it out, so
I can put it on my voodoo doll.

It's not in there.
I have to run away.

That's it.

Garry, goodbye.
We're disappearing forever.

You're a nice man and I'm sorry
for everything I did to you.

Goodbye.
Babe, no. Listen.

We could easily go that route.

Initiate Ghost Protocol.

We switch faces, we burn our
fingertips off with acid,

we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin.
We could do that easily.

But this is not
that big of a deal.

Just be honest. Tell him
you lost his key. Come on.

Garry, I take everything back.
I hate you.

I can't believe
after all these years...

Jeez.

I had it in a safe place,
and then I moved it

to protect it, and I
don't remember where.

I see.

Don't be mad, Ron.

She hid it too good,

and she left a string of clues.

It's an impossible puzzle.

And I love puzzles.

A minimal, unhelpful note...

These appear to be human teeth.

- And what is this?
- New Moon?

It's a movie, but
I've never seen it.

It's, like, about lame werewolves
and vampires and stuff.

Donna likes those things.

Dollars to donuts
this points us her way.

Finally, a scavenger
hunt worthy of my time.

Onward!

Okay, snacks given, kids
tucked in, books read,

three simultaneous
meltdowns for no reason,

kids tucked back in, one of them
briefly got outside somehow,

kids back in bed, they're
all napping. Good.

I got everything you
need for pie domination.

I even got an extra
whipped cream can,

one for baking, one for
directly into mouth.

You know me so well.

That might be one of the kids.

Hi, Leslie.

Elise Yarktin, from the Indiana
Organization of Women.

Oh, my goodness, Elise.

Please, come in.

Wait. Are you
here to give me

the Woman of the Year award?

I have a speech prepared.
Would you like to see it?

Right now?
No.

Leslie, we were
thrilled to find out

you were boycotting
that ridiculous Pie Mary.

But we just got word
you've decided to enter?

Yeah, well, I agree
that it's dumb.

But this is not about
me, it's about Ben,

and he will do more for
women than Hartwell.

So, you know, lose a
battle, win the w*r.

That kind of thing.
It's the way to go.

So, the way to go
is to set women back decades.

Look. The Pie Mary is
retrogressive and misogynistic,

and if you participate,
we will have no choice

but to protest you and
Ben at the event.

Hope you like pies...

In your face.

Metaphorically.
We'll be civil.

Elise. There is no
bigger defender

of gender equality
than Leslie Knope.

And my husband, Ben, is a progressive
champion of women's rights.

Babe, the oven's ready.

Chop-chop,
time to get bakin'.

Daddy want pie.

Hi, Ben Wyatt.

We have a wonderfully
small number of clues.

One is this ticket.

Did you see this movie
about vampires and such?

New Moon? Yeah,
I saw it with April.

She was so hopped
up on painkillers

from getting her
wisdom teeth out,

I convinced her
to see it with me.

The teeth.
They're yours.

You were super out of it.

You kept yelling
"Team Voldemort!"

At the screen and
we were kicked out.

I was furious.

You only get to see the second Twilight
film for the seventh time once.

Do you remember
anything about a key?

Or April doing anything
unusual that day?

She did make us stop by the
shoeshine stand before we left

because she wanted to drop
something off for Andy.

She had a real bad crush on him.

Oh!

Babe. You had
a crush on me.

That's embarrassing.

We're married.
Still.

To the shoeshine stand!

- Ooh! Chase me.
- Stop.

Garry? What the hell
are you doing?

Oh, gosh.

Well, I dropped my wedding
ring down this grate,

and then I was
trying to get it out

and I dropped my
keys down there too,

so I can't leave.

But you know what? The light
from the phone. I can see it.

I just...

Oh!

Dang it!

My Jitterbug.

Damn, this takes me back.

Mind if I stay and watch?

Not at all. I
appreciate the company.

Oh! You know how
I can get the ring out?

I will use my driver's license and
my only credit card like chopsticks.

Garry, don't...

Mmm.

Nuts.

Never fear. I still
have my passport.

Wait, let me see your stamps.

The IOW
does not mess around.

Which normally is
why I love them,

but now I'm on the other side.

Oh, my God, Ben, I gave them
$100 in their annual pledge.

Do you know how many anti-me
signs that could buy?

Or even banners.

You just don't do the
pie contest, obviously.

Then we're just
back where we started.

Then it just seems
like I'm saying

I'm better than the
women who bake.

What should we do?
Should we get a divorce?

Well, how about this?

What if I register
for the contest?

I bake the pie.
I act as my own wife.

Oh, that could work.

We sidestep the controversy,

we refocus the campaign

onto the actual candidate.

And then we flip the antiquated
tradition right on its head.

Exactly.

But more importantly,
we change the idea

of what a pie is.

I feel like that's not
more important,

but I like the energy that
we have, so let's hear it.

Okay, picture this... Crust on the bottom.
Filling. Crust on top.

What am I describing?

A pie.
No.

But you're in the
right "zone." Oh.

Calzone!
Sure!

Pies are just
sweet calzones, honey.

And I'm good at making calzones.

You're amazing.

I can win this thing.

Of course you can, baby.

Get in there and start baking.

Talking 'bout the
highway to the calzone zone

I'm having some serious d?j? vu.

How many times have you
lost your wedding ring?

Too many times to count.

And it causes real
trouble with Gayle.

And any time I lose my ring,

she turns into
a real grumpy goose.

Is that so?
Oh, yeah.

She'll say, you know,
"Garry, you'd lose your head

"if it wasn't
screwed on tight."

And then she makes me go for the
fresh oranges for the morning OJ.

And she says,
"Hey, Mr. Forgetful."

I mean, those words...

They rattle
around here for hours.

That's why I've gotta
be extra careful

with this replacement ring,

because if I lost...

I'm gonna order us some dinner.

The shoeshine stand is gone.

Or maybe it was never here.

They must have moved
it during the remodel.

It's probably in
basement storage.

To the basement!

Tighter.
You sure, dude?

Yeah, dude.
Tighter. I can do it.

Do what, exactly?

Nothing. We're not
doing anything.

And we definitely
do not live down here now.

Guys, where's the old shoeshine
stand from upstairs?

We don't know
anything about that.

Boys, think.

We are on a quest and we are not
leaving until we get an answer.

Well, we're on our own quest,

which is to squeeze
this just tight enough

to make my eyes
bulge out a little bit,

but not so tight that I die.

I've been there. That's
a real tightrope walk.

Oh!

Hey! Last week
this real scary ghost

came down here looking for it.

It had black hair, but you
could see through his skin.

And it wouldn't talk to me.
It would only talk to Harris.

No, dude. That was just that
bonk's dream that I had.

How are we gonna have
the same dream, dude?

'Cause we're best friends. I
love you, dawg. Man, I love you!

We're dreaming together

We're sleeping together
But not like that

Can you tell us anything else
about this ghost?

It didn't like me,
but that's just 'cause

I got a soul of a Ghostbuster.

Yeah, it said
something about how

it was worried Brett
was gonna mug it.

Okay. So we're looking
for a r*cist ghost

with black hair
who likes shoeshines.

I think I have the answer.

The chase continues!

Okay, wait. At the
time that you told us

you were mugged in the park,

what were you reaching
for in the river?

A burrito.
That's right.

You fell in the river
reaching for a burrito.

Yes, ma'am. That was not
one of my finer moments.

Ooh. It's getting late.
We need to bounce.

I can give you a ride.
Oh, thank you, Donna.

Probably gonna get an earful

when I get home tonight.

Gayle might even
call me the B-word.

"Bozo."

Wow.

We are very different people.

This is my pecan pie recipe.

Straight from my Mema's kitchen.

Mema was no Leslie Knope.

She didn't have a PhD, but she
sure knew a lot about P-l-E.

Did you hear back from Elise?

Oh, yeah.
We're good.

The IOW is not gonna protest us.

How's your pie?

I don't know.
I didn't make a pie.

Okay. How is
your dessert calzone?

It's ready.

The question is, are they?

All right, our next
contestant

Is candidate Ben
Wyatt's wife, Leslie.

Let's see what
Mrs. Wyatt

has baked up for us, shall we?

It's actually
Ms. Knope.

And actually, right now it's Mr.
Wyatt.

Leslie has her own busy life

and I happen to be
an excellent pie maker,

so we figured we'd
switch it up a bit.

Now, pack your suitcases,

because we're going
to a little town

Called Napoli...

In Italy.

Free Ben Wyatt! Free Ben Wyatt!
Free Ben Wyatt!

Excuse me, free me from what?

From the tyranny of women.

We are the Male Men.

We are a men's rights
activist group,

and we are fed up.

I'm sorry. What's
happening now?

Behind every successful woman

is a man she has oppressed.

First Leslie Knope poaches
her husband's campaign

by making it all about her.

Now she's forcing
him to bake pies

and enter a contest for her?

Excuse me! I'm not forcing
him to do anything!

He loves to cook.

Yeah. He has five
personalized aprons.

Oh. So I guess he
was asking for it

because of the way
he was dressed?

We are sick and tired

of this feminized society.

Men have had a very
rough go of it, for...

Just recently.

And it ends now.

Male and proud!

Male and proud!
Male and proud!

We can all agree that no
one likes Leslie Knope.

But the question is, "Why?"

Marcia Langman.

Leslie Knope exemplifies

the feminist att*ck
on our values.

She could learn
a little something

about traditional
family structure

from me and
my husband, Marshall.

Um. Fierce alert.
Eat 'em up, honey.

The idea that feminism is an
att*ck on family values is absurd.

Ooh. So you're defending
Leslie Knope?

No. Absolutely not.

Frankly, I don't think
she's done enough

to distance herself
from this misogynistic lunacy.

Let's turn now to Sasha Dunkirk.

She is head of the group
Women Against Feminism.

What a surprise.

The woman is only
talking to other women.

Can we have one conversation

about feminism where men
get to be in charge?

I actually agree with him.

I don't need your pity.

Joan, Leslie Knope
and I are united

Oh. In our disgust of
this week's events.

Leslie, if you're watching,

I, Brandi Maxxxx,

star of 69 Jump Street
and Fifty Shaved Old Gays,

have your back.

Oof. You really stepped
in it this time, Knope.

Told ya. Being a candidate's
wife is a tough gig.

This is crazy.

Why isn't the other candidate's
wife being scrutinized like this?

Because June Hartwell is a
lukewarm bowl of nothing.

She started an awareness campaign
called "Bring a Sweater."

She calls it
"goose bump prevention."

Okay, you know what?
We can fix this.

Ben and I will just schedule
some appearances together,

and we'll create a new group.

Feminists and pie makers
united for equality

despite our philosophies on equal
rights and crust flakiness.

Okay, you could do that, and this could
drag on for another three weeks.

Come on, you guys,
you know the drill.

Just ignore the
fact that you're right,

put on your blandest outfit...

So that one, hopefully,
and then just go out there

and publicly
apologize. Done.

What? Apologize for what?

Doesn't matter.
Just say you're sorry.

It's like taking
a sh*t of tequila.

You just gotta force it down,

suddenly the world feels
so much more pleasant.

I do three sh*ts every time
I have to enter this house.

Donna. What are you
doing here so early?

I come bearing gifts.

First off, I got a
dude in maintenance

to open up that
grate this morning.

So here's your rings,
keys, credit cards,

and I found some heart
medicine I assume is yours?

Yeah, no. That's mine.
That's mine. Oh, my gosh.

Also, I thought I'd bring over

some fresh oranges
for you and Gayle.

Okay. Well, that is just
so kind, Donna. Thank you.

You're one of a kind, Garry. Oh.

And I just wanna thank you for
taking me down memory lane,

ya big B-word.

"Buddy."

So much has
changed around here.

I just wanted to remember

the good old days,

when a shoeshine was two bits,

and there were no Mexicans
in the music business.

If you don't mind,
Councilman Milton,

we just need to
search this stand.

Yes. Found it.

"Hi Andy, I hate people,

"but you are okay.
It's weird.

"Woof, woof.
April."

My God, babe, you were so into me.
That's hilarious.

That's it.

It's a dead end.
No more clues.

See me in my office.

If it makes you feel any better,

I had a big crush on you too.

That does make me feel a
little better. Thanks.

Oh! Thank God.

Get off my boat!

And so, I'm genuinely sorry
if I offended anyone,

and here's to my three favorite
things, Pawnee, America, and pies.

That is bland. You know,
you really don't have to do this.

Babe, I want to. Let me just put it all
to rest, and then, we can move on.

Good afternoon.

I'm here today
to share with you all

my vision for the economic
future of Southern Indiana.

But first, Leslie
Knope, my wife,

has a brief statement.

Hello, everyone.
Thank you. Wow.

How about this
weather we're having?

Very temperate.

Okay. Recently,
I made an attempt to...

Actually,
hang on. Stop.

I'm sorry, this whole thing
just makes me queasy.

I love how independent
my wife is,

and because of that,
I will not let her speak.

That came out wrong.

The point is, Leslie
is a great mother,

public servant,
all-around person,

and I am tired of everybody
constantly telling her

that she's making
the wrong choice.

So you can say
whatever you want,

I couldn't care less about
the political consequences.

Thank you, Ben.

Well. The first thing I'm
gonna do is say sorry.

I'm sorry that the spotlight
is on me and not on Ben,

because he is going to
make a great congressman.

Second, the Male Men...
Where are you? Ah.

You're ridiculous, and
men's rights is nothing.

Third, I'm now gonna give
you permanent answers

to all the silly questions that
you're gonna end up asking me,

and every other woman in this
election, over the next few months.

"Why did I change
my hairstyle?"

Oh, I don't know. I just
thought it would look better.

Or my kids got gum in it.

"Are you trying
to have it all?"

That question makes no sense.

It's a stupid question.
Stop asking it. Don't ask it.

"Do you miss your kids
while you're at work?"

Yes, of course I do.

Everybody does.

And then, you know,
sometimes I don't.

Yeah. And by the way, no one's
ever asked me that question.

No one asks me,
"Where are your kids?"

Or, "Who's taking
care of them?"

By the way, who is taking
care of the kids right now?

My mom, babe. Everything's fine.
Right.

So, Leslie is really smart,
which is great,

because if you're like me, you
get twice as many good ideas.

And, maybe she doesn't fit
your personal idea

of what a candidate's
wife should be.

So what? That's good,

because there shouldn't
be just one idea anyway.

That's right. If you wanna
bake a pie, that's great.

If you wanna have a career,
that's great, too.

Do both, or neither,
it doesn't matter.

Just don't judge what someone
else has decided to do.

We're all just trying to
find the right path for us.

As individuals.

On this Earth.

I'd say that's fifty-fifty
boos and cheers.

Yeah. That seems
about right.

Let Ben speak!
Let Ben speak!

He just spoke.

Oh. Sorry. I just got here.
I had a broken bike chain.

My bad.

So I guess we are
celebrating that

you trusted me
and I let you down.

Great.

I change my house
locks every 16 days.

That key has been useless

since the second Tuesday
after I gave it to you.

What matters is that I trust you

and admire you as a person.

I will be sorry to see
you leave this town.

For many reasons.

Not the least of which
is that you created

a puzzle that even
I couldn't solve.

And boy, oh, boy,
did you love Andy.

"Woof, woof."

It really is embarrassing.

Oh, my God. I totally
know where the key is.

How'd you remember?

"Woof, woof."

Bark.

Why here?

Because this tree
reminds me of you.

It's strong.
And quiet.

And always here
when you need it.

Or whatever.

I have always felt a
certain kinship with April,

and this is proof
that I was correct.

Not the nice things
she said about me,

the fact that I buried
a large amount of gold

under that same tree years ago.

I have since moved it.

Or have I?

Or was I lying the whole time?

Or was I lying about lying?

Or was there never
any gold to begin with? Or...

Elise?

What did I do wrong now?

No. Actually,
we at the IOW

loved what you said
in your speech.

Really?
But...

What we loved even
more was how you, Ben,

gave Leslie a platform in
which to speak her mind.

Congratulations, Ben Wyatt,

you are this year's
IOW Woman of the Year.

Son of a bitch.