07x06 - Wile E. Coyote and a Possessed Doll

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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07x06 - Wile E. Coyote and a Possessed Doll

Post by bunniefuu »

You know, you might
want to tell your bride

about all the self-help books
you own before you get married.

It was a phase.

And did you ever find
"the child within"?

Yeah, I married her.

You gonna comment on every box
we're gonna unpack that's mine?

You're the one who married a child.

Ooh. Patton,

The Dirty Dozen, The Great Escape.

We get it. You have a penis.

If you're only finding that out now,

I'm doing something wrong.

Ooh, Oscar alert.

Street Racer 2.

That's not the actual movie.

That's just some video
with me and my stunt buddies

screwing around on set.

- Oh, we got to fire that up.
- We do?

Everyone said I was crazy
to save this VCR machine.

Who's crazy now?

Oh, where's my phone, where's
my phone, where's my phone?

In your hand, in your
hand, in your hand.

Oh. Yes, thank you.

Now, where are my keys?

Check it out. We're gonna watch
some of Adam's old home movies.

Can't. I have to pick up
my boss's dry cleaning.

Some would say demeaning.

I say phase one of my
rocket ride to the top.

Optimism, the sober woman's cocaine.

Oh, look at you.

So cute in your little race car outfit.

That's a certified
fireproof racing suit.

Men have d*ed in those.

And I just want to
eat up your little face in it.

Oh, my God.

Hey. You're walking.

Yeah, I used to walk. I used to run.

I used to dance like a white guy.

Still got it.

Check out all the girls.
They're all over you.

Is that Cheryl Ladd?

No, it's her stunt double.

But after a few beers,

it's Cheryl Ladd.

What am I doing? I got to go.

Oh. Good. Yes, I am wearing a bra.

Onward!

Okay,

let's take all these boxes
and stuff 'em under the bed

with the rest of the stuff
I don't know why I keep.

Yeah.

Coming.

I'm about to make someone

who went to Yale Drama School

look like they know
how to drive a race car.

On fire.

Got the bra.

Forgot the panties.

So...

Christy, where the hell's
my dry cleaning? ♪

- Christy!
- I'm here! I'm here!

Stupid avocado toast took a
big green dump on my blouse.

- I'm so sorry. My car broke down...
- Blouse.

So it got towed to a shop
in the middle of nowhere,

and I think I saw a guy playing banjo.

And, of course, I couldn't get an Uber,

so I had to take the bus, and...

- Buttons.
- Yep. Yeah.

Okay. And I was so surprised,

because it's a fairly new car.

- Move with me.
- Yeah.

Um, I bought it from my ex-husband,

- which, I don't know...
- Will you shut up?

I just texted "I bought it
from my ex-husband" to a judge.

Where is my coffee?

Um, well, again,

uh, my car is broken down
and so I couldn't get it.

Well, it better be on my
desk by the time I get back.

- If I don't have my coffee, I'm mean.
- Uh-huh.

Hey.

I'm still a woman.

Yes, sir.

Well, I got nothing to talk about today.

Okay.

So, what's the deal?

You don't say anything until
I can't stand the silence

and then I start yapping about myself?

That's, uh, what they
teach you in shrink school?

First day.

Well, not for nothing,

I saw Adam walking.

In an old videotape.

He's in a wheelchair, you know.

Yes, I know. I actually
listen when you speak.

So, seeing Adam walk,
how did that make you feel?

Shrink school day two?

We all come in pretty
much knowing that one.

Uh...

it made me feel like
Adam and I don't talk

about how the accident made him feel.

- You've never discussed it?
- Early on.

He told me he flew off
a cliff on a snowboard

and snapped his vertebrae.

But he, you know, made
it sound sexy and cute,

like first date banter.

But nothing since then?

I make jokes when we
watch Wile E. Coyote.

Like when he runs off the
cliff but he doesn't realize it

till he looks down and
then he holds up a sign

that says, "Yikes."

Yeah, Adam doesn't laugh either.

The thing is...

he never gets real about what happened.

- He may not want to.
- What's your point?

He... may... not...

want... to.

But I want to.

I'm his wife.

We should be able to talk about
something as important as this.

But if he doesn't, you
have to respect his wishes

and accept that.

Okay, that's one.

You know you're only
allowed two per session.

The thing is,

I don't want to be married
to someone who's an island.

I want a real partner.

Do you know I've never seen him cry?

Well, once... when he heard the
Raiders were moving to Vegas.

That was a hard day for a lot of people.

I just wish he would open up to me more.

What are you smirking at?
You think this is funny?

I just think it's funny

that you thought you had
nothing to talk about.

No, no.

It's a bug in my mouth.

Britney! Almond milk latte!

- Britney!
- Excuse me. I've been waiting.

I'm in a real rush here.

So is everybody, darling.

Well, darling, not
everybody's gonna get yelled at

the way I'm gonna get yelled at.

Like I'm getting yelled at now?

Leslie! Caramel macchiato! Leslie!

Seriously?

Who's Leslie banging
to get her drink first?

Oh, hey. Leslie.

Look, the next one better be "Veronica!

"Triple sh*t espresso! Veronica!"

What is taking you so long?

I have circled the block, double-parked

and bought a pair of shoes.

- You like?
- Bevel.

- Love.
- Thanks.

Don't be nice to him.

He's skipping me on purpose
because he's a giant ass.

My ass is tiny and perfect.

Look at that.

"Where's my coffee?" All caps.

- All caps!
- Getting loud.

Veronica! Triple sh*t espresso

with oat milk and caramel drizzle!
Veronica!

Not drizzle. Pump.

- I said "pump"!
- You said "drizzle."

She wants caramel pump.

Pump!

Pump, pump, pump!

- Pump!
- Okay.

Careful, honey, you're
about to go viral,

and you are not having a good hair day.

You're really not.

So, that videotape this morning,

that must've brought back memories.

I guess.

Misty water-colored?

What?

- It's part of a song.
- Oh.

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Sometimes tough to talk about ♪

♪ But it's healthy to discuss it ♪

♪ The way ♪

♪ You were. ♪

I'm not sure why you're singing,
but I'm good.

Good. Good.

Goody, goody, good, good.

Stop it.

Don't say anything else.

Go full Trevor on his ass.

The uncomfortable silence
will drive him crazy,

and he'll start yapping.

Just be patient.

He'll cr*ck.

Live in the silence.

♪ Live in the freakin' silence ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

Am I crazy or do I sound like Adele?

I should cut a demo.

He didn't say anything for a half hour.

He just sat there.
Wouldn't even talk to me.

Who does that?

Side note, if I had a cabaret,

sang a few songs, would you guys come?

Ugh.

I bet you already ordered, right?

'Cause, God forbid, you wait for us.

We haven't ordered yet.

Yeah, 'cause we're late.

Just get off my back.

What's your problem?

Abort, abort. Do not
poke the honey badger.

Guess who got kicked
out of the only place

my boss likes her coffee.

How do you get kicked
out of a coffee shop?

A homeless guy lives in ours.

You have to go to him
for the bathroom key.

It wasn't my fault.

This barista was being crazy rude,

and I told him off.

- That doesn't sound like you.
- Oh, it's her.

Ever since she started
working for Veronica,

it's like living in a horror movie.

Want to start with me?

'Cause I'll end it.

See? She's like a possessed doll.

- Know what I think?
- Oh, and now this one.

It's not just Christy.

Everybody's angry these days.

I can't even watch the news

without throwing something at the TV.

Last night, she clipped me
in the head with an orange.

Eh, it was just a Cutie.

Yeah, but you threw a fastball,

and you know I have a tender scalp.

Oh, common courtesy's
a thing of the past.

God forbid, you don't hit the gas

as soon as the light turns green.

The other day, a woman cut
me off and called me a whore.

You shouldn't have to hear
that when you're fully dressed.

I'm about to make someone...

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just thinkin' my thoughts.

You were watching that video again?

Yeah, you know me.

I love showbiz.

I want to see how the sausage is made.

You...

behind the scenes.

Walking.

Were you walking?

Wait. I guess you were.

Come on, Bonnie, just be honest.

About what?

You wish I was still that guy.

That's insane.

Well, then why do you keep watching it?

I don't know.

I do, and I don't
appreciate you lying to me.

Why don't you just admit it...

You wish that I could still walk.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.

No, I don't! I just feel sad for you.

Well, you know what?

Watching you stumble
through your life...

I feel sad for you, too.

He said he felt sad for me.

Well, perhaps you hurt his feelings

when you said you felt sad for him,

and he was merely retaliating.

No, no, no. The truth finally
came out under pressure.


It always does.

- That's just your interpretation.
- No, no, no, no, no!

No!

You should have seen him in this video.

He was full of life,
having fun, laughing,

gorgeous women draped all over him.

He's got to miss that.

We all miss aspects of our youth.

When you're young, untethered,

you can just head up to Vancouver

for a weekend of windsurfing
with your buddies.

Adam says I wish he was still
that guy, but the truth is,

he wishes he was that guy,
with one of those girls.

I think we've uncovered the real reason

why you're obsessed with this video.

We? I've been doing
all the heavy lifting.

You were windsurfing somewhere.

Bonnie, do you think it's possible

that you're afraid that
Adam wouldn't have chosen you

if he could still walk?

Oh, my God. You're right.

He'd never be with me.

No, that's not what I said.

- I said you're afraid of that.
- You totally nailed it.

"Walking Adam" would be
with perfect Cheryl Ladd,

not nut-bag Bonnie Plunkett.

Cheryl Ladd? From Charlie's Angels?

I was his last-call,
closing-time pickup.

- I'm in a pity marriage.
- Again, not what I said.

You know, just when I think
you're a fraud, you have

these amazing revelations.

Don't even respond.

Just let her punch herself out.

She'll get tired eventually.

Cheryl Ladd.

Wonder if I still have that poster.

Hey, Sean!

Listen...

I know things got a little
out of hand the other day.

- How about we start fresh?
- Nope. You're banned.

Excuse me?

Banned. Rubber banned.

Boys in the Banned.

One Time at Banned Camp.

Sean...

You can't ban me. I'm lovable.

Not so much.

Nicholas!

Mochachino! Nicholas!

Come on, come on, we can work this out.

We got to stick together.

We're both tiny cogs in the big machine.

Well, when you put it that way...

still banned!

Well, in that case...

Banned on the Run!

Hey, that's not yours!

That's Nicholas's!

Ooh, the good stuff before we open.

Are you celebrating,
or is it a cry for help?

- It's about Bonnie.
- Cry for help. Got it.

She found a stupid old tape
of me before the accident,

and she keeps watching
it over and over again.

Oh, yeah, she told us about that.

Of course she did, 'cause
she wishes I could still walk.

No, she doesn't.

Bonnie's crazy about you.

You're the only thing she talks about.

- Nice try.
- No, it's true.

The others get sick of it, but I don't.

No, Bonnie would love you
even if you were just a head.

'Cause, you know... you
have classic features.

Yeah, but up until now,

she didn't have the
old me to compare it to.

Adam, all she wants is
for you to open up to her

and talk about how you feel.

That's all any of us want from you men.

Just let us in, damn it!

- Why are you getting angry?
- I don't know! It's going around!

What is that?

What remains of your coffee

after I got tackled on a sidewalk

by a surprisingly strong barista.

Honestly, a trained poodle
could do your job better.

You know, I am doing the best I can,

and I would appreciate it

if you didn't belittle me anymore.

Oh, God.

My assistant has feelings
and I don't have coffee.

Christy, I am at the gym
at 6:00 a.m. every morning,

punching a heavy bag to
get my frustrations out,

so I can suffer through
another 12-hour day

of coddling clients and
sucking up to judges.

So when I "belittle" you, be grateful.

Because what I really want to do

is wring your ridiculously tiny neck.

Seriously, it's smaller
than a sparrow's.

How does your head not just
flop around all over the place?

I'm gonna ask to be
transferred to another lawyer.

Why? You're not happy?

No!

I gave you advice.

Why not just say
"thank you" and take it?

What? Gain weight in my neck?

No. Go to a gym.

Punch a bag, sack up,

come back here and do
your job without whining.

I can't afford a gym membership.

Oh, my God, fine. I'll
give you a freakin' raise.

Really?

Yes. Get out.

And take your dirty
street coffee with you.

Hey.

What are you doing up?

I met with my therapist today,

and, um, everything has
become very clear to me.

If you want out of this marriage,

I totally understand.

What are you talking about?

Trevor made me realize that
if you could still walk,

you would be with someone else.

- Your therapist said that?
- His exact words.

Obviously, if the
accident hadn't happened,

you'd be with one of those
women in the video, not...

someone like me.

Okay, first of all...

the women in the video...

Rebecca was a coke addict,
Laura was a coke addict,

and Jenny was a practicing witch.

And a coke addict.

Second of all,

the Adam you saw in that video...

Not a good guy.

I don't believe it.

You're just trying to
make me feel better.

One of the reasons I don't
talk about those years, Bonnie,

is because it reminds me
of who I was back then.

Which was what?

A guy that didn't treat women very well.

The accident, as awful as it was...

I got humbled.

I guess that's where I come in?

It is, because that guy
wouldn't have deserved you.

This guy does.

I mean, think about it.

We've both changed.

If I met you before you got sober,

how would that have worked out?

Oh... honey, ha,

I would have left your
bleached bones by the highway.

So you think maybe we found each other

at the right time?

Yes.

I can't wait to tell
Trevor how wrong he was.

You don't know how to
cross-reference a file!

You call me on the weekends!

You don't know how to spell "affidavit"!

A-F-F-I-D-

A-D-I-

T!

She's just a patient!

She does not define you!

You're not a fraud. You're not a fraud!
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