07x18 - A Judgy Face and Your Grandma's Drawers

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on
"Mom"...

I just got a text
from my son.

He hasn't spoken to me
in years.

I chose booze
over my own son.

Marjorie would love
to babysit.

Well, that's too bad.

She's made her choices,
and I've made mine.

Jerry decided that
he wants his daughter

to have a relationship
with her grandma.

Hey.Hey.

Your husband's a d*ck.

Fine. And you?

Out of nowhere,
Adam said

I'm not allowed
in his office anymore.

Well, he is a little funny
about his privacy.

You know I'm not allowed
in his jacket pockets?

We're married,
and I can't have a Tic Tac?

Hmm.
Or a twenty.

I've worked at the
bar for over a year.

Obviously, it's 'cause
I'm an ex-con.

You want me to talk
to him for you?

I'll probably forget,
but I'm happy to offer. - No.

I'm just gonna act
like I'm over it,

and really resent him
behind his back.

- That's what I do.
- Mm.

Thank you, Ginny.

This is perfect.

What's with
the baby bouncer?

Is Majorie treating her
cats like people again?

I mean, the stroller was
embarrassing enough.

She's babysitting
her granddaughter tomorrow.

That's huge!

How come nobody told me?

She didtell you.
She told all of us.

Yeah, we talked about it
for most of lunch the other day.

Well, I must've been
in the bathroom.

No, you were there, and
engaged in the conversation.

- Really?
- Yeah, you told her you didn't think

she was ready for it.

Then you ate my fries,
and told Wendy

her blouse was sadder
than The Notebook.

Oh. That sounds like me.

Look what Ginny lent me.

I know,
because you're babysitting

your granddaughter tomorrow.
I remember.

How? You weren't even
at lunch when I told everybody.

You are both mean.

Ooh. I had so much
fun messing with her head.

Can we make that
a new thing?

Let's make that
our new thing.

Oh, you don't have much
going on, do you?

Okay, uh, we both have
our cell phones,

but just in case, I'm sending
you the numbers to the church,

the reception hall
and the bride and groom.

Please don't call
the bride and groom.

I won't.

Don't worry.
Sophia and I are gonna be fine.

- Hear that? Let's go.
- I just...

I want to cover everything
in the diaper bag.

Let's go. I haven't had
a drink in 17 months.

If we're bragging,
I haven't had one in 38 years.

Should we leave her
the car seat?

Actually, I bought one.

Oh, all right.

Uh, well, then
let me double-check it

'cause 74% of car seats
are installed wrong.

I had it installed
at the fire station.

We didn't
even do that.

Thank you,
Marjorie.

Mm-hmm.

Goodbye, smushie.
I love you somuch.

Jerry, get in the car.

Okay.

Have a nice time.

Okay.

You and Grandma
are gonna have fun today.

Let me show you
around my house.

Okay, this is the kitchen,

and this is the living room.

And that's cat barf
I just stepped in.

Oh, which one of you did this?

We're gonna have
to interrogate the cats.

Thank you so much.

I've never seen
Boz Scaggs this sick.

All right, so, Dr. Feeny doesn't
work on the weekends, so,

if they say that
it's his liver, it's not.

Those enzymes
are always elevated.

And if they try to give him
amoxicillin, that is a big "no."

Marjorie?

Mm. You're right.

You can handle it.

Actually, I was gonna
say I can't handle it.

How about I stay
here with the baby,

and you take the
cat to the vet?

No. This is the first time
my son is leaving her with me,

and if anything happened... Hey.

I kept two kids alive.

They're not really talking
to me, but they're alive.

Okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

I'll be right back.

Call me if you need me.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm
blocking you in.

Here.
Oh, just take my car.

Oh.

You know we'll never be able
to do that again.

Why would we need to?

Bye, Sophia.

Hi.

My name is Christy,
and I'm an alcoholic

and a gambler
and a natural blonde.

Two truths and a lie.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Have you seen this one?

Wait. Where'd I go?

Here I am!

Oh. Oh, no, no.

Don't-don't worry.
I'm not sick.

I'm just very allergic to
kittens, and like a silly willy,

I forgot to bring my medication.

Oh. Mm.

Oh, you like that?

Yeah.

Ooh. Wait.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Ah.

Uh-oh. All gone.

Oh, no. No, don't cry.
Don't cry.

There's another box.

No, there isn't.

Uh, um... Ah!

Ha. We'll start over.

Mm. Yeah.

Ooh. Ah.

Come on. It's the same thing
we've been doing for an hour.

Or ten minutes.
Oh, my God.

Ugh. Ah.

All right, I got what I need.

Ah. Oh, look.
It's our favorite game.

Ah.

Oh, no. That's my mean
law school professor.

Well, they're all mean,
but she makes the boys cry.

Let's pretend to look
at the stool softener.

- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me.

Aren't you in my
administrative law class?

Ah.

Professor Winslow,
I-I didn't see you.

Yes.

You look awful.

Thank you.

I didn't realize
you had a baby.

If I'd done law school
with a baby, I'd be dead.

Oh, well, no, she's not...

Well...

it is hard.

So this is why

you're always late and
distracted and unprepared?

That's what you get
for trying to have it all.

Well, I didn't realize
what you were dealing with.

But I'm gonna be more
patient with your mommy

now that I realize
why she's such a mess.

Hang in there.

I will!

Where was this treatment when
I got pregnant in high school?

Got your text.
What's going on?

I thought I was
having an allergy att*ck,

but I think
I'm coming down with something.

You can't catch
anything from a cat, right?

What were you doing with it?

- Just take over with the baby.
- All right.

All right, step aside.

Let me show you
how this is done.

40 years late, but okay.

Hey, I did something

morally questionable.

Is this about the cat again?

I ran into my professor
at the pharmacy

and let her believe
Sophia's my baby,

and now she thinks
I have a super hard life,

and she's gonna give
me special treatment.

Hit me with
the morally questionable part.

That's it. I lied to her.

First of all, that sounds
like a lie of omission,

and nobody counts those.

But more importantly,
your life ishard.

Yeah, but I don't
have a baby.

So your life is hard
in different ways.

You've got, like, 27 addictions
and 12 jobs.

Okay, it's only
two addictions.

That we know about.

Honey, your life is a crapfest

wrapped in a nightmare
on top of a dumpster fire.

Great.
Now I'm sick and sad.

Marjorie has my car.
Give me your keys.

Don't wreck my car.-

Don't leave her
in a basket at the laundromat.

Oh, come on! Aren't we laughing
about that yet?

We are not.

Wecan laugh about it.

Okay, we've been through
all your grandma's

drawers and closets,

so we're officially
out of things to do.

Mm.

By the way, women's underpants
don't all look like that.

But if you're curious
about how people dressed

in pioneer days,
you're welcome.

♪ Ooh, do-do-do,
doo-dee, boo. ♪

What to do?

See, this is what we needed.

A little fresh air,
change of scenery.

Ah, look!

I got hammered at that winery.

And that one.

Ooh, did coke behind that one
with a gentleman in long boots.

Don't look at me
with that judgy face.

Damn, it's so adorable. Hmm.

I should have spent more time
looking at Christy's face

when she was a baby.

I bet it was cute.

Ah, gettin' sad.

Let's crank some tunes.

Ooh!
♪ Do the conga ♪

♪ No, you can't
control your body any longer ♪

♪ Hoop-ah, ta-ta, ta-ta,
da-da, bah-boo ♪

♪ Bah, dee-dee-dee,
do the bomba ♪

Yeah! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Oh!

Oh! Aw, damn!

Oh.

You feel like
helping me change a tire?

Don't pretend to be asleep.

Are you kidding me?

Great, Marjorie, no spare tire,

but you got
an emergency Christmas sweater.

Oh, no.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

Sophia?

See the little button?

Open the door.

Do you know "open"?

Waah!

Oh. Don't laugh at me.

I'm trying to help you.

Oh, no. Oh, my God,
I'm failing another baby.

Okay, don't panic.

Just think. Just think.

Bad idea.

Look at me know it's a bad idea
before I did it.

Okay.

Oh.

Don't worry.

Aunt Bonnie knows
how to break into cars.

Stop with the judgy face.

Better.

Yes!

Here's Bonnie!

Hey.

Ooh.

Hold on.

I... am...

amazing!

And stuck in a trunk.

♪ Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merri...

How the hell
did you manage this?

Why do you assume
it was my fault?

Isn't this more fun than waiting
back there for a tow truck?

You are gonna love Bugs Bunny.

I used to watch it all the time
when I was a kid.

And sometimes in college
when I was hi...

hey, baby.

Huh.

I don't remember them sh**ting
each other in the face so much.

Oh, my God. He just picked
his mouth up off the floor

and stuck it back on.

I'm just gonna turn this off.

You are so sweet.

And your skin is flawless.

Do you have a specific routine,

or is it just not having been
on Earth very long?

You're right.
A lady never tells.

Oh, I want one of you so bad.

Hey, ladies.

Oh, Jill, you didn't
steal a baby.

It's Marjorie's granddaughter,

but I'm kind of pretending
like she's mine.

Ooh, it's cold in here.
Could you hold her for a second

while I grab her hat?

Ugh, no.
Not a fan.

You're a nurse.

Of adults.

What is the matter with you?

Babies are the most precious
things in the world.

And I am never gonna have one.

Oh, you don't know that.

It's starting to feel that way.

And I've been doing my best
to put on a brave face,

but then this little bundle
of joy lands in my lap,

and I can't hold it
together anymore.

Can somebody please take the
baby so I could get her hat!

- You do it.
- I don't know,

I'm not really into babies.

Look at the baby!

You don't think
she smells weird?

I know I'm supposed to trust
that my higher power has a plan,

but... I'm not really interested

if that plan doesn't
include me being a mother.

Aw.

See?

Adults I'm good with.

Here. I'll
take her outside.

No, you need to be
here more than me.

I was just gonna
bitch about Adam.

You're having
a breakdown.

But she could still be
my baby for a few more hours.

Ooh. Yikes. Listen. Wendy,
you start the meeting.

I'm gonna take her
back to Marjorie's.- Okay.

Ugh. The little hands.

Look at you so tiny.

Just starting out.

Good news:
it's a great time to be a woman.

You can be fierce now.

You don't have to take
C-R-A-P from anybody.

You can speak your mind.

You can tell a guy
when he's being a D-I-C-K.

Know what?
We're gonna make one stop.

- I quit.
- What?

Whose baby is that?

Don't change the subject.
I can't work for someone

who doesn't trust me.

Who doesn't trust you?
Whose baby is that?

You don't trust me.
You banned me from your office.

I mean, I get it.
Don't trust the ex-con.

We don't deserve
a second chance.

Why let us out at all?

Okay, here's a little something
I learned at home.

Do you need a meeting?

Oh, 'cause I'm feeling
my feelings?

Tammy, I told everyone
to stay out of my office.

You did? Yeah.

- Why?'
- Cause I don't trust Joe yet,

and I didn't want
to single him out.

Oh, yeah, Joe's super creepy.

Why'd you hire him
in the first place?

'Cause he's an ex-con, and
I'm trying to give him a break.

Oh. Well,
I feel a little foolish.

Do you want to un-quit?

Yes, please.
And now that I'm back, Okay.

Can I get some
free employee wings?

Hello, baby.

Never mind.
We're leaving.

Well...

whose baby is that?

We're home.

Christy?

Sophia?

Christy?

Hello?

Where are you?

I don't know.

Where is Sophia?

She's with my mom
at your house.

I'm at my house.
No one's here.

Hold on. I'll-I'll
conference her in.

Go for Bonnie.

Where are you?

I'm on the side of the road

watching Arlo change a tire.

- What?
- What?

- Where is the baby?
- Hey, Marjorie.

She's at your
house with Jill.

I'm at my house.
There's no one here.

Let me
conference her in.

Hello?

- Where are you?
- Oh. Leaving a meeting.

Where is my granddaughter?

Well, Tammy brought her
back to your house,

because I was having
a bit of a meltdown.

No good comes from babies.

Tammy's not here.

All conference her in.

Hello?

- Where's Sophia?
- Where are you? - Where's the baby?

Is this a conference call?
I've never been on one of those.

Just tell me
where you are.

I'm in your living room.

No,
you aren't! No, you're not!

Wait. Yes, you are.

Goodbye.

Oh... ah...

There's my beautiful girl!

She prefers "fierce woman."

Also, if you blow on her belly,
she giggles.

Then again, who doesn't?

Hi.
How was the wedding?

It was great.
Where's Sophia?

- Right there.
- Hi!

We had the best time!

We danced.
People filled my wineglass.

No one bit down on my nipple.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Sophia and I had a
wonderful day, too.

You know, I got to admit, I was
little nervous about this,

but you really came through.

- You're the best.
- Oh.

You really have changed.

That means a lot.

So, um, maybe we
can do this again sometime.

- I would love that.
- I would love that.

Okay.

Jerry. Wait.

Um...

I didn't exactly
do this alone today.

Uh, I had to take
a sick cat to the vet,

so I left Sophia
with Christy,

and then Christy
came down with a cold,

so she gave Sophia
to her mom, and...

Basically, everyone
on my speed dial

took care
of your daughter today.

But I guarantee you

she was safe and loved

the entire time.

Although she
did go to a bar

and attend
her first AA meeting.

I-I can't believe
you told me all that.

Well... it's just,
it took so long

to get you back in my life...
I want to be completely honest.

I appreciate that.

Okay.

Talk to you later, Mom.

Hello?

He called me Mom.

Oh, my God.

I'll conference
everyone in!