03x08 - For Poorer Or Poorer

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mr. Beetle Boo ♪

♪ How do you do? How do you do? ♪

♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do? ♪

And he says... [GIGGLES]

[KEYS JINGLE]

What the...

[HANDLE RATTLING]

- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- Oh.

Hi, Camille. Sorry.

I was dropping off my groceries
before school,

and my key isn't working.

Do you still have a spare copy?

No. They changed the locks on you.

We don't want your kind here.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT, WREATH THUDS]

[WHISPERS] Oh.

[OMINOUS MUSICAL FLOURISH]

What?

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

By "your kind,"

I meant "poor."

Yeah, I got it, Camille!

It's a new dating app I'm on

called Silver Smooch.

It's basically Tinder
but for old people.

So it's a hookup app.

Okay, first of all,

whether or not Tinder is a hookup app

is one of the great debates of our time.

And secondly, I'm using Silver Smooch

to find a fulfilling adult
relationship with a mature man.

You do know you're too flat

to be the next Anna Nicole Smith, right?

[GASPS]

I am not looking for a sugar daddy, Deb.

I'm looking for someone
with perspective.

Wow, Chelsea. You really are evolving.

Thank you.

And if his pubes are gray,

I'll just close my eyes
when I'm down there.

[SOBBING]

- Caroline, what's wrong?
- I've been evicted.

I didn't even know that was possible.

I thought it only happened to people

on gritty TV dramas.

- Why'd you get evicted?
- I can't pay my rent.

I told my landlord he'd get it

as soon as my accounts were unfrozen.

A Watson always pays her debts.

- Like a Lannister.
- Oh, no.

Mr. Lannister was kicked out
of the yacht club

after he brought an escort
to the Commodore's Ball.

Okay, we're gonna need
to circle back to that.

How much is your rent
that you can't pay it?

Normally, I wouldn't answer
such a gauche question,

but now that I'm eviction poor,

nothing matters anyway.

$ , .

- Oh, boy!
- What?

My AC/DC-themed Alaskan
cruise didn't cost that much.

Sounds like you're
going to need something

that's more in your budget.

- I can help you.
- [LAUGHS] Budget...

We used to make fun of people
with those when we were little.

I mean thank you.

Ugly.

Fugly.

Fugnacious. Fug life.

- Fugsly Addams.
- Hi, guys.

Hey, Botox.

I didn't get your attendance
sheets this morning.

Do I have to ask for them every day?

Stop exaggerating.

We don't come in on the weekends.

They're right there.

I'm waiting.

So am I.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

Ugh.

Looking up "symptoms of chlamydia"?

If you must know, I'm on Silver Smooch.

Oh. That'll work out well for you.

If they're hard of hearing,
maybe they won't

be able to tell you're an idiot.

Maybe they will be able
to tell you're an idiot.

Sweet burn. If you're lucky,

maybe you'll find someone who's blind.

Of course, it'll be over once they do

that "feel your face" thing.

At least I have both
of my original knees, bitch.

Sorry. Language.

You can go now.

Or do you need someone to wheel
you back to your coffin?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Gross. Sick. Ugly. Pervert.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Now, what you're smelling is cat piss

with a hint of dead possum.

Don't worry. They're long gone.

Raccoon k*lled 'em both.

Chewed right through the wall
and dragged the carcasses out.

Did our job for us. Hakuna matata.

How quaint.

Now you never have to worry
about a glare in this apartment

because the sun is almost
completely obstructed

by that prison across the street.

- [SIREN WAILING]
- [MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

- Uh, listen, Darnell...
- Mm-hmm.

I'm not quite sure
this place is to my taste.

It's, um...

You know what? I can't be polite,

so I'm going to stop talking.

Personally, I see a lot of upside.

The six bolt locks on the door mean

you don't need an alarm system.

- [GASPS]
- Before you ask, uh,

the owner of the building insisted

those are not b*llet holes.

Those are from termites.

Maybe you can get 'em
to split the rent with you.

Oh, no, one of my pearls fell out.

It's a human tooth.

- We're leaving.
- If y'all change your mind,

got to let me know quick, all right?

It's the only unit that
no one's been m*rder*d in!

[ROCK MUSIC]

Miss Bennigan?

Oh, hi, Benji.

What are you doing here?

I'm grocery shopping.

But you're a teacher.

Yeah. So?

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll see you at school.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[GASPS] Oh, no.

[BEEPING STOPS]

[WINDOW BLINDS CLATTER]

Caroline?

What are you doing?

I just thought it would be fun

to work in my nightgown today.

Fine.

I slept here last night.

What? Why would you do that?

- Because I got evicted.
- And you didn't tell me?

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

- I was embarrassed.
- Oh, Caroline.

I was hoping to find a place
before you found out,

but unfortunately, all the apartments

on the Craigs place
are former m*rder dens.

But don't worry. I'll find something.

Care Bear, this is silly.

Just move in with me.

But we've only been dating
for six months.

I think we're ready.

I haven't even stayed over.

We always sleep at my place
because of the...

BOTH: King-sized bed
and cappuccino maker.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Caroline Beatrice Lavinia
Watson, move in with me.

I won't take "no" for an answer.

Okay. Okay! Oh.

- Okay!
- Let's move in together!

Oh, you've made me a very happy man.

I have?

Celebrate with a quick trip
to the Pacifica?

Oh.

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

Chelsea, you're not
swiping right on anybody.

I have high standards
when it comes to men.

The last guy you hooked up
with had his nose sh*t off.

He was in a Hummer stretch limo.

Context.

Look at these guys. These suck.

Here we go, "Orland,

" , German expat.

"Has had to make some hard choices.

Don't ask too many questions."

Yikes.

"Abdul, .

Proud grandfather and veteran.
No limbs."

Too high maintenance. Oh, my God.

This guy is a piece.

"Miles, .

Retired CEO of Fortune company."

[GASPS] "No kids.

I enjoy sushi and sailing
my boat to Key West."

Oh, my God, I love sushi,

and Key West could be the name
of Kimye's next baby.

[GIGGLES] This guy's perfect.

[GASPS] It's a match!

[GIGGLES]

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]

You just got catfished, bitch.

[CHUCKLES]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Toby, do you mind
if I move these laser discs

so I can put a doily on this side table?

Not at all.

Those are ones I pulled out to watch,

but I can just write down the titles

and pull 'em out again later.

Do you mind if I put these dishes

in the bottom of the closet?

We don't really need 'em since
I've already got my dishes.

Sure. Oh, but do you mind

if we keep just one of my bowls
in the cabinet?

It holds just the perfect
amount of cereal

- for breakfast in the morning.
- Sure thing.

If it's a different size
from the rest of my bowls,

I'll just put it on the bottom
or top of the stack.

It's bigger than the rest of my bowls.

So we'll just have to lift up
the stack of bowls

and put it on the bottom.

Great.

Do you mind if I unplug your lamp

so I can charge my phone?

Not at all.

It's my reading light,
but if I want to read,

I'll just unplug your charger,
plug in the lamp,

and then when I'm done,

I'll unplug the lamp

and plug your charger back in.

- Easy peasy.
- Easy peasy.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Miss Bennigan?
- Hi, Benji.

- What are you doing?
- I'm jogging.

- On the street?
- Yeah.

I live right down the street.

- You live down the street?
- Okay.

I thought you lived at school!

Why don't you live at school?

[KEYS CLICKING]

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[SNORTS] Liar.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

♪ ♪

No.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[WHISPERS] Class it up.

This bitch is heinous to her anus.

- Oh.
- So how's home sweet home

- with Toby?
- Oh, it's lovely.

His studio's turned
into our little love nest.

- Aw, that's great.
- Yeah.

It's been easy peasy.

Question.

Do you ever... eat in bed?

- Like breakfast in bed?
- No.

More like... before you go to sleep.

Do you ever just...

chew taffy?

Like cud?

- No.
- Toby does.

He sure does. [CHUCKLES]

You know what else is interesting?

He has inspirational quotes everywhere.

Everywhere.

Like the kind you buy near the checkout

at Bed Bath & Beyond.

What's wrong with inspiring quotes?

Nothing.

It's just interesting.

You know what else is interesting?

He highlights every other word

of Vicki Lawrence's autobiography.

I mean, what could
Vicki Lawrence have to say

that's so important?

- Everything okay?
- I don't know.

Maybe we moved in together too soon.

I'm realizing there's so much
we don't know about each other.

The first time
I moved in with a partner,

we fought every day for the first month.

But with all the intense arguing

came the most rewarding
lovemaking of my life.

You're right.

- I'm sure it'll work out.
- Yeah.

Although, in the end,
she did steal my laptop

and give me HPV.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

[ROCK MUSIC]

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]

Showtime.

♪ ♪

She's wearing real clothes.

No tube top. What the hell?

♪ ♪

[MOUTHING WORDS]

♪ ♪

She wrote out what she's gonna say.

Oh...

crap.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS AND EXHALES]

[HUMMING "MR. BEETLE BOO"]

- Care Bear.
- Hmm?

Could you not hum, please?

- Oh, was I humming?
- Yes.

It's a little distracting.

I didn't even realize.

Guess it's just what happens
when the music's in you.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS, MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

[LIPS SMACKING EXAGGERATEDLY,
MOUTHING WORDS]

[EXAGGERATED SQUELCHING]

Toby, honey, could you not
mouth the words when you read?

Your lips are smacking.

- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- That's okay.

Could you not light that? [SIGHS]

Every time I smell toast,
I think I'm having a stroke.

The scent isn't "toast," Toby.

It's "Santa's Christmas Cookie."

How about we just go to sleep?

[GROANS]

What's this?

Whoops!

That's... some folded toilet paper

I keep in my underwear
to catch any residual leakage

after I urinate.

Ugh! Disgusting!

Wha... sorry!

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

Caroline, we can't go to bed angry.

[GASPS] Wh-what is that?

Moustache cream.

Oh, what? So I'm revolting

for bleaching my upper lip
but you can have

a pee-spotted man-pon in the bed?

I'm sorry! I prefer not to go to bed

- with Wilford Brimley!
- [GASPS]

How dare you?

You know what?

Maybe I should never have moved in
in the first place.

- Maybe!
- BOTH: Fine!

I have to wash this off.

Not because of you.
Because it burns like hell!

[ROCK MUSIC]

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

[MUFFLED] Yeah, you can put
that right there, thank you.

Mmm.

- Chelsea.
- Mavis?

♪ ♪

What are you doing here?

I have to tell you something.

Make it quick. I'm on a hot, hot date

- with a hot, hot guy.
- No, you're not.

Yes, I am. He's just...

in the bathroom taking a hot, hot dump.

- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is.

- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is!

No, he isn't! I'm Miles.

♪ ♪

- What?
- [SIGHS]

I'm Miles. I catfished you.

♪ ♪

So you were...

The whole time?

Yes. I'm sorry.

I realized watching you that...

You were watching me?

[SPOON CLATTERS]

You are sick! You know that?

I didn't think you would
take it this seriously.

You took my dignity,
but you don't get my desserts!

[ROCK MUSIC]

I'm taking a Lyft.

♪ ♪

[CLOCK TICKING]

[SIGHS]

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

Good night, Toblerone.

♪ ♪

[SOBBING] It really does burn like hell.

[SOBS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Benji, time to put your book away

and work on your math.

Why should I listen to you?

You're not a teacher.

You're just a regular person.

You're all just regular people!

Yeah. That's right.

Teachers are just regular people.

We have feelings and opinions

and crappy cars.

And I wake up every morning at : a.m.

and drive in traffic on the Dan Ryan...

the Dan Ryan...

to come here and teach all of you,

and I make less than a party clown!

So, yeah, Benji,

I'm just a regular person.

Now take out your dang worksheet!

[ROCK MUSIC]

Thanks, Mavis.

So... how was your date with Miles?

He was a total loser.

He was one of those weird older guys

with a jacked up upper body

and tiny little legs.

So... yeah.

I'm sorry, Chelsea.

I know you were really
excited about him.

Yeah, I was, until I realized

old people are lame, really lame.

Well, we'll get you
some cookie dough for lunch.

Yeah.

Chelsea...

I am so sorry for what I did last night.

Here are my attendance sheets.

- Look.
- Mm.

You hurt my feelings
a lot over the years,

and I thought making you
feel small and unimportant

might make me feel better,
but it didn't.

You're a really bad person.

You're no angel either.

I know I've been sometimes
a little bit kind of

barely at all rude to you,

but I have basically
been polite and respectful.

What's my last name?

Mavis...

Maaa-visss.

My name is not Mavis Mavis.

[SIGHS] Fine.

I am sorry.

I know I can be a ratchet beast,

but I'm trying really hard to be better.

I should've been nicer to you.

Apology accepted.

And I believe there's a good person

somewhere deep inside
that ratchet beast.

You're gonna make me cry again.

[GIGGLES]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

- That felt weird.
- Yes, it did.

Let's not do that again.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Toby.
- Caroline.

- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you moved in with me.

Me too.

We're just experiencing
some growing pains.

Maybe we need
to establish some house rules.

That's a great idea.

You know who could help us with that?

Caroline, Toby asks that you refrain

from doing your vocal warm-ups
until at least : a.m.

Fine, I'll save it
for the ride to school.

And, Toby, uh, Caroline has proposed

that you stop calling Target "Targets."

I don't do that.

Where do we get our paper towels?

Targets.

Okay, I'll stop.

Caroline, Toby asks that you
not refold his T-shirts.

So you want your T-shirt stack to look

like something out of a Dr. Seuss book?

Caroline.

- Okay.
- Great.

And, Toby, Caroline proposes

you take down the signs
of inspirational quotes.

- I'd rather not.
- Fine.

- But that's a big one.
- Moving on.

What's a "man-pon"?

Toby?

[ROCK MUSIC]

"No one had seen Harvey in the dress.

"When he walked out
with breasts like torpedoes,

Tim immediately broke"...

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ahh.

"My eyes widened.
My lips began to quiver.

"But I didn't break.

I knew I deserved my place in the show."

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, good for Vicki.
- I like that about her.

- Yeah.
- Know it. Own it.

Yeah, own it.