03x10 - Hot Deadly Dad

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC]

That's when Detective
Johnson realized that

Fuad couldn't be the Cook County k*ller.

There's no chance a man

with such severe rheumatoid arthritis

could have used a hacksaw to
cut through the women's necks.

So, who did m*rder Magdaline
and the six other women?

And how long will
Chicagoland live in terror?

- [BRIGHT MUSIC]
- Thanks for joining us

for this installment of "Victim."

I'm Rachel Schwartz.

Special thanks to WBEZ Chicago
and our sponsor, MailChimp.

When are they gonna
catch this guy, right?

So... so he's still out there?

Yes, Robby, but don't worry.

He only kills girls.

♪ ♪

[GASPS] Oh, there you are.

You're over two hours late.

I was worried you might've
gotten in an accident

hit your head, and were
suffering from amnesia.

Then I'd have to remind you who
I am for the next six months.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] No, sorry.

I got a call to rescue a stray dog.

But you didn't have your rescue stuff.

Oh, um, you know, uh,

I didn't need it. It was a small dog.

- Okay.
- Hey.

I hate to do this,

but I'm gonna need
a rain check on tonight.

- I am exhausted.
- Oh, that's okay.

We can just hang out
tomorrow night at dinner.

[SIGHS]

Actually, can we reschedule that too?

Why?

I, um, you know, I forgot that

I signed up to volunteer
at the children's hospital.

Well, I guess it would be selfish of me

to ask you to cancel that.

I mean, unless the kids
aren't that sick.

They're pretty sick though, right?

Yeah, I know they are.

But if you show up and
all the kids are gone,

you can just give me a call...

oh, gone because
they've been discharged,

- not gone because they...
- [DOOR CLICKS]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Okie-dokie.

I guess that's my cue.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

Good night.

♪ ♪

That little turd, Shane Coop,

just told me I look like
I ate Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

God, I hate the dirtbag family.

Who's the dirtbag family?

Can't believe you don't know
who the dirtbags are.

How can you tell? It's a public school.

Every school has one.
There's at least eight of them.

They all look the same.

They're always greasy from
working on their mini bikes,

and every year, one of them
brings fireworks to school.

At Fillmore, it's the Coops.

Artie Coop's in my class... [GASPS]

He does bring pork rinds
and a can of Jolt

for lunch every day.

Poor bastards.

They're all doomed to end up
on parole or Maury Povich.

Wait, why? Because they're poor?

No.

I refuse to believe that
these kids are bound

to a certain fate because
of their economic status.

[SCOFFS] You're such a hypocrite.

You're just saying that
because you're poor now.

That's not true. I care.

If I take them under my wing,
I can turn my life around.

You just said, "my life."

I meant their life.

Lives. Morning, queens.

Hi.

♪ ♪

Caroline, how are you
handling the breakup?

Oh, you know, uh,

some days are better than others.

If you ever need someone to talk to,

just know I'm always here.

- Ugh.
- Thanks.

- Is she wearing...
- Tights instead of leggings?

Yes.

I can't believe a grown-ass
woman's still wearing

- day-of-the-week underwear.
- It's actually helpful.

I almost forgot it was Wednesday.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Mary-Louise, did you hear another woman

went missing last night?

They think it was
the Cook County k*ller.

Who's the Cook County k*ller?

Have you not been listening to "Victim"?

This guy kills women in Thatcher Woods,

takes them to a basement,
which they know because

they found mold spores on the body,

then covers them in lacquer
to preserve them

so he could have sex with their bodies.

[EERIE MUSIC]

But I'm sorry... did you need something?

One second... I have to
wipe my mind and reset.

Okay.

Hot Dad's been acting strange lately.

He came home late last night
and lied about where he was.

And then he canceled dinner tonight.

He lied about where he was last night?

Where was he Sunday night?

- He went for a run.
- The whole night?

What about two weeks ago Tuesday?

Same as every Tuesday...

he drives along the highway
to look for stray animals.

Stray animals,

or single women with
no ties to the community?

What about August th,
May th, or January th?

How should I know?

Those were all the nights
women were abducted.

Mary-Louise, what if Hot Dad
is the Cook County k*ller?

- [LAUGHS]
- I'm serious.

This makes perfect sense.

The only reason Hot Dad's
okay not having sex with you

is because you're still alive.

Oh, that's not true.
He likes being abstinent.

He says it's a lovely challenge.

Wrong! He's gonna lacquer you!

Your boyfriend exhibits

textbook serial k*ller behavior.

He is smart, charming,
and super good-looking.

I mean, think about it...

Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez,
the Craigslist k*ller...

hot, hotter, hottest.

The writing's on the wall, Mary-Louise.

He is the Cook County k*ller.

Hey. Forgot my supplies.

She's wearing tights, right?

Yeah. I can see her tootie cr*ck.

- Do you think she knows?
- Oh.

Probably not. Someone should tell her.

Someone totally should,

but I am so busy... busy, busy bee.

Oh, my God. I have so much to do.

Why have I been talking to you?
What was the point?

[LAUGHS]

Cecelia,

your...

bangs...

look really nice.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

You should look at them

in a full-length mirror.

Okay.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Enjoy recess,

and remember what we learned yesterday.

A broken bird's egg is not a treasure.

It's trash. Uh, Artie?

I'm gonna need you to stay in today.

I didn't pee in the garbage can.

Great.

I want you to know that

I see a wealth of
untapped potential in you.

If you and I work together,

we can alter the course of your
life in a very profound way.

- Okay.
- Wonderful.

Let's start with table manners.

Why are there a billion forks?

Thank you for asking.

There's one for every course, Arthur.

- It's Artie.
- Not anymore.

This is a dinner fork.
This is a salad fork.

This is a fish fork,

and this is a spork.

If you see one of these
at a restaurant, leave.

Oh, those are for lobster claws.

To replace them, like a prosthetic?

My uncle's got a fake leg
'cause of the diabetes.

No. No.

These are to cr*ck open a lobster claw.

Man, lobster pinches me,

I'll just bash him with a crowbar.

- Bam!
- Hey, Artie?

I saw some kids b*ating up
your brother on the playground.

My dad says,
"No one hits Coop but Coop."

- I'm out of here.
- Oh, wait!

You weren't excused. Arthur?

You trying to "My Fair Lady" this kid

is the saddest thing I've ever seen,

and I once saw
Rob Schneider do stand-up.

We're making a lot of progress.

I know you're having
a hard time with your breakup,

but isn't there something else
you can busy yourself with,

like whittling yourself a dildo?

- I don't whittle my dildos.
- So you do have a dildo?

This has nothing to do with Toby.

Fine.

But even if you do get through to Artie,

there's still seven more garbage kids

to pull him back into the vortex.

[COCKNEY ACCENT] Henry Higgins.

Just you wait. I'll reform them all.

♪ ♪

♪ Knock, knock ♪

Sweetie, are you home?

Honey?

I just popped by to bring you

some surprise
I-love-you cookies because...

♪ Surprise, I love you ♪

- Don't go in the basement!
- [PLATE CLATTERS]

Sorry, babe.

The light doesn't work down there.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Didn't want you to
fall and hurt yourself.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GASPS] Beautiful bisque play, Dusty!

Croquet is the sport
of the upper class...

you don't sweat,

and you can do it while
holding an Arnold Palmer.

Can we go home now?

No. I don't wanna be alone.

Uh, I mean,

we haven't worked on our postures yet.

Books.

[HARPSICHORD MUSIC]

Remember, ears over your shoulders,

shoulders relaxed,

and always look down
at people from your nose

ever so slightly.

It helps others remember their place.

Single file. Nice and organized.

Crystal May, you're doing great.

[COCKNEY ACCENT] They'll be
back to selling flowers

at Covent Garden by the end of the week.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Are you sure he's not home?

This is so stupid.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

I should've never told you
he raised his voice.

And Pastor Ted always says,
"Thou shalt not snoop."

It's basically the th commandment.

Do you know what the
th commandment should be?

Thou shall not k*ll.
Ever heard of that one, Jesus?

He's hiding something, Mary-Louise,

and it's probably
multiple m*rder victims.

Well, being here without
him knowing feels wrong.

Do you think Clarice Starling
felt guilty about

snooping around
Buffalo Bill's k*ll lair?

He's not a k*ller.

I'm just doing this to
prove to you he's innocent.

[GASPS] It's locked.

- [TENSE MUSIC]
- Oh, my God.

- This is getting juicy.
- [CUPS CLATTERING]

There's gotta be a key
around here somewhere.

Chelsea, be careful.
You're making a mess.

Ugh, my God. He won't even notice.

He's too busy getting up
in some lacquered puss.

Please don't say, "puss."

They haven't found the
latest missing girl yet.

She's probably down there
in a soundproof room,

dirty, naked, and eating baked beans.

Why baked beans?

Because that's all he gives her.

Mary-Louise, look.

k*ll trophies.

They're probably just
leftover from Sharon.

Oh, really?

Because the initials
on this locket are "L.K."

So unless Sharon's
real name is LaSharon,

this locket belongs to missing
-year-old dental hygienist,

Lauren Klubshire.

[GASPS]

Be on the lookout for a red hoodie.

The woman who just went missing
was last seen wearing one.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

He's pulling women's teeth out
and jerking off to them.

How could you know that?

We have gotta get in this basement.

Ugh, got it... [GASPS]

[DOOR CREAKING]

BOTH: [INHALE]

[WHISPERS] Lacquer.

Hey, Deb, you just missed
a great yoga club.

You're wearing tights, you idiot.

- These are leggings.
- No, they're tights.

I can see your bush coming out
the side of your underwear.

The little curls make
your crotch look like a rabbi.

Oh, so that's why
there were so many boys

in yoga club today.

[GASPS]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

I told you. He said the light's broken.

- And you believed him?
- Find a light switch.

Oh. I think I got something.

Mary-Louise, get off me.

I'm just looking for the light.

Really? Because you just
cupped my breast.

Maybe it's lower on the wall.

That's my ass! Oh, my God, Mary-Louise!

[GASPS] Got it.

- Oopsies.
- [SIGHS]

I guess those weren't light switches.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

Is that... blood?

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. I was right.

Oh, my God. I was right.

Oh, my God! I was right!

- We gotta get out of here!
- [WHIMPERS, YELPS]

- [DOOR CLICKS]
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

[WHISTLING]

[WHISPERS] He's home.

Come on, otherwise
you're not gonna be alive

when you lose your virginity.

♪ ♪

[SHAKY BREATHING]

It's okay, girl. I got your back.

I won't let anything happen to you.

Thanks, Chelsea. I love you.

- I said, I love you.
- Yeah, I heard you.

[WHIMPERING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

♪ ♪

Mary-Louise? What are you doing here?

[GASPS]

Uh...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh... [YELPS]

Oh... [YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

Oh... okay.

I, uh, didn't want you
to have to go out of your way

to pick me up for our dates, so...

[GULPS] Here I am.

Great. You ready to go?

We're gonna be late for dinner.
It's a little cold outside.

You might wanna put on a jacket.

Oh, I... I don't have one.

Here.

You can wear this.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

I couldn't be more proud
of you children.

You've come such a long way
from where I found you...

hitting a dead squirrel with a stick.

Together, we're proven that

you can change your station in life.

KIDS: Thank you, Ms. Watson.

Thank you for thanking me.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- [ENGINE TURNS OFF]
- You must be Mr. Coop.

[LAUGHS] Missy Watson, huh?

So you're the one thirsty to show me

what a good ma you could be to my kids.

Yeah, I've been here before, right?

Everybody wants head from nut.
I'll tell you what.

You're gonna have to find somebody else

who's sitting on a fat welfare check,

'cause I'm not gonna be
your human vibrator.

Excuse me?

All right, maybe as
a constellation prize,

sometime I take you
in the back of the van,

give you a quick fingerblast... [GASPS]

Two of them at the same time.
Anyway, Coops, in the van!

Let's go!

Take off those dumbass bows.

You look like a bunch of ice dancers.

Wait, are you mine? Yeah, all right.

Go, go.

Bigger ones, tie the
little ones down to the seats.

You know the routine.
I don't need that ticket again.

- [ENGINE TURNS OVER]
- All right. Coops ride.

[ENGINE WHIRRING]

Once a Coop, always a Coop.

[WOLF HOWLS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

This isn't the way to the restaurant.

Yeah, I gotta make a quick stop.

There's a hurt deer in Thatcher Woods.

[SOFTLY] Thatcher Woods?

Hot serial k*ller.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[SOFTLY] Hail Mary, full of Grace,

the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women...

♪ ♪

Come on.

This is it.

I'm not gonna eat baked beans
in your basement!

[SCREAMING]

- [SCREAMS]
- Girl!

- Stop!
- Mary-Louise!

- No!
- Run!

He's the Cook County k*ller!
Save yourselves!

Girl! Stop!

We were wrong.

A k*ller?

Mary-Louise, why would you think that?

The lying and the canceling plans.

And Chelsea and I found
all your k*ll trophies.

k*ll trophies?

The red hoodie and the jar of teeth...

That's one of Blake's old hoodies.

Are you talking about his wisdom teeth?

They pulled them out early
due to his accelerated growth.

[PANTING]

What about the locket we
found in that box of jewelry?

"L.K."?

That is my mother's jewelry.

I couldn't bear to donate it
after she passed away,

so I kept it.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so...

wait.

Why are all of you
out here in the woods?

[SIGHS SOFTLY] Well,

this isn't exactly how
I planned for it to go.

But...

You are an idiot.

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Mary-Louise,
from the moment that I met you,

I knew that there was
something special about you.

From that first
parent-teacher conference,

I found myself wanting to
spend more time with you.

And every time I did,

I liked you more and more, and...

I fell deeper and deeper
in love with you.

I brought you here because it's...

when we were camping with Blake,

then I realized that you were the one.

[GIGGLES SOFTLY]

♪ ♪

Mary-Louise...

Will you marry me?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

♪ ♪

Congratulations, you two.

Ugh, these idiots didn't tell me

about the engagement until an hour ago.

They said I would blow the surprise...

Oh, crap.

- My water just broke.
- [GIRLS GASP]

Someone get some wet wipes.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

You're doing great.

As the incomparable Faith Hill
said, "just breathe."

- Caroline, don't ruin this.
- Damien's in Detroit.

He would like permission to
use the Uber app to get here.

- Fine.
- It's a go.

Say hi, girl.

I have people watching you
on Periscope right now.

- What?
- Here.

I found this in the waiting room.

We'll use it to save the afterbirth

so I can make you a nourishing,
post-partum smoothie.

Everybody get out!

- Jeez.
- Okay, fine.

But someone needs to
take off their underwear

and spread their legs 'cause
I am not losing these viewers.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

[SOBBING] I love her so much.

I just love her so f*cking much.

She's so f*cking beautiful, isn't she?

She's so f*cking perfect.

- She's gorgeous.
- You're a mommy, girl.

We're so proud of you.

Having a baby is one of the most pure,

beautiful things in the universe.

Yeah. It's amazing.

Although, I did tear the skin
between my anus and vag*na,

sh*t the birthing bed,
and now I'm wearing a diaper.

[GAGS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GIRLS GASP]

Deb, you didn't tell us
you were coming in today.

I thought we'd surprise you.

Oh, there she is.

Did you decide on a name yet?

We went back and forth for a while

between Kathryn, Kathleen,

Kate, Caitlin, and Katy,

but we finally decided on...

Hagatha.

[LAUGHTER]

Like a troll?

It's not a joke.

Oh, my God. That's gorgeous.

- It is.
- It's beautiful.

- An elegant... so elegant.
- Beautiful name.

- Wow.
- Classic.

Do you care if I borrow it?