03x11 - Thoughts And Bears

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Some of the parishioners
didn't like the statue he bought,

but then Pastor Ted explained
that with all the walking

He did, Jesus probably did have abs,

so we're gonna keep it.

Oh, looks like we got a new neighbor.

Ugh, good.

That old couple was so annoying.

The husband getting wheeled out
for dialysis every day,

it's like, we get it. You're dying.

Seems nice.

I wonder if they've got kids.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[BEAR GRUNTS]

Is that a...

Yep, that's a bear.

[ROCK MUSIC]

The sitch is cray.

Why would anyone own a bear,

especially near a school?

I mean, what's to stop it
from walking onto campus?

If it's a pet, he's overcompensating.

You know what they say:
big pet, little d*ck.

I'll go talk to him.

I'm sure once I express our concerns,

he'll be reasonable and put up a fence.

- Aloha!
- Hey!

Look at your fun hair.

- Thanks.
- What are you doing here?

I thought you had two more
weeks of maternity leave?

Ugh, I needed a leave from my leave.

Compared to staying home
and taking care of a newborn,

work is a vacation.

I can't spend any more time

with that gassy, defecating blob of fat.

[GASPS] Deb!

Relax, I'm talking about Damien.

Oh, hello there,

coffee I didn't have to make
with one hand.

That's from yesterday.

Mmm, tastes like freedom.

Good morning, ladies. Uh-oh.

Oh, I never realized
there was a rug here.

How interesting.

Hmm, squares and squares.

Okay, what was that?

Yeah, I thought your breakup
wasn't that bad.

It wasn't. I just never want
to see him again, ever,

and if he gets hit by
a bus, then so be it.

Oh, good, I thought there was an issue.

I just really need a break from him.

Luckily, I have jury duty tomorrow.

I hope I get sequestered
for one of those cases

where they catch a guy
who's been eating people

and using their skulls as soup bowls.

Honestly, that sounds delightful.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Look what I drew, Miss Cannon.

Oh, it's a bear,

and you're riding it.

- Yeah.
- Another reason why art sucks.

Miss Snap, at recess, can we
please go play with the bear?

No! No one go near the bear.

Bears are dangerous.

Pooh bear isn't dangerous.

He spends all of his time
with a tiny pig,

and he never eats him.

Man, I wish I had a bear.

I'd trick it out like a Build-A-Bear

and make him look like my uncle.

I'd give him wraparound
sunglasses, cutoff jean shorts,

and put him on a Jet Ski.

Okay, I know bears seem cool
on TV and in books,

but real bears aren't like
Paddington or Yogi

or big hairy rugged masculine gay guys.

That bear across the street
could k*ll you.

If bears aren't awesome,
then why did Chicago

name a football
and a baseball team after them?

[ROCK MUSIC]

[SNORING]

Good morning.

This is the worst.

We could be here forever.

[GASPS] Oh, do you really think so?

Caroline?

Toby.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for jury duty.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for jury duty too.

Ah.

So how are you doing?

Great, really great.

I love my new apartment.

It's magical.

Even with my limited finances,

I found a place where I can't
see my kitchen from my bed.

- That's nice.
- It is.

Did I tell you I've been taking
spontaneous bike rides?

I've also rediscovered my passion

for cooking eggplant dishes,

and I just found out I have
an aunt I didn't know about.

I can honestly say I've never
been happier in my life.

I just got a new Instapot,
so I'm doing great too.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Mrs. Adler, Tommy
won't let me on the slide.

Uh, did he crap in his pants,
make you change his diaper,

then puke on you while you
wiped cream onto his butthole?

No...

Then roll with it, Jude.

The sun is shining.
The birds are chirping.

Mahalo.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hidey ho, neighbor.

Hey there.

I'm Mary Louise Bennigan.

I teach across the street at Fillmore.

I just wanted to stop by

and welcome you to the neighborhood.

Oh, I'm Gary. Nice to meet you.

My wife and I
just moved here from Wyoming.

Oh, well, welcome.

And it's lovely to see what
you've done with the place,

the porch furniture, the potted plants,

and did I happen to notice a loose bear?

Oh, yeah, that's my boy, Chaucer.
[CHUCKLES]

He's a real p*stol.

I bet he is.

It's just, I'm a little
concerned about a bear

living across the street from a school.

Don't worry, I would never
let Chaucer off my property.

Oh, I know you wouldn't, Gary,

but you can't be with Chaucer
to the .

And since it seems fairly easy breezy,

you know, maybe you could
put up a little fence

so the big guy doesn't get out.

I completely understand your concern,

but I'm a very responsible bear owner.

Actually, at one point,

I thought about getting rid of Chaucer,

but we had a break-in,

and having a bear
makes my wife feel safer.

Uh-huh.

But what if a child

tries to put his hand
in the bear's mouth?

[BEAR GROWLS]

If a kid wants to put
his hand in Chaucer's mouth,

he's gonna do it.
A fence won't stop him.

Yeah, I guess you have a point.

Plus I checked the ordinances
before I moved,

and there's no law
saying I need a fence.

Oh, really, no law?

Oh, you can't argue with that.

- Snickerdoodle?
- Oh!

Mmm, now, these are dangerous.

[BEAR GROANS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

We got so lucky with the weather,

and nobody's hanging off my tits.

Life is good.

[GASPS] How'd it go with grizzly man?

- Great.
- So he's gonna put up a fence?

Oh, no. Legally, he doesn't have to.

Right, but he should.

Yeah, but he's a responsible bear owner,

so I don't think we need to worry.

So, what, he's just gonna
Jedi mind trick the bear

into never leaving his yard?

Yeah, this is ridiculous.

After school, we're
taking some real action.

Okay, Cecelia, but don't dump
red paint on the bear.

It's his own fur.
He's allowed to wear it.

We're going to the city council.

So, Councilwoman Taylor, that's
why we'd like some legislation

requiring bear owners to have
fences around their yards.

You want me to ban bears?

No, never said that.

Didn't even imply it.

What's next, you don't
like the way some Shih Tzu

looks at you,
so we outlaw all Shih Tzus?

"Oh, that Shih Tzu
might bite my finger."

- Bye-bye, Mr. Scrunch!
- Who's Mr. Scrunch?

- My Shih Tzu.
- Oh.

Listen, my constituents
all have varying beliefs.

I can't force your particular
opinions on everyone.

Okay, first of all, enough
with the condensation.

- [WHISPERS] Condescension.
- Do not correct me in public!

Second of all, we don't
want to get rid of bears.

We just want our neighbor

to take some extra safety measures.

Okay.

Ladies, I understand your concerns,

and I promise you that
I will look into this issue

and find a fair
and reasonable compromise.

Ew, who are you, Howie Mandel?

[CHUCKLES]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[LAUGHING]

I'm telling you, Apollonia,

you've got to watch "The Golden Girls."

Fair warning: you will crave cheesecake.

[LAUGHS]

I don't have good English.

Apollonia, you flirt. [LAUGHING]

- What is this guy's deal?
- I know, right?

Jacob.

Hi, Caroline.

What are you doing here?

I'm defending a client.

You finally went back to law school.

Wow, I'm so glad you improved yourself

after we broke up.

[LAUGHING]

So when was the last time
we saw each other?

When I proposed to my wife
and you told me to eat sh*t...

repeatedly.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, we did have some fun, didn't we?

That's too much, way too much.

You're pathetic, bringing your
ex-boyfriend to jury duty.

What? I didn't.

And you should talk,
trying to make me jealous

with that woman
in the jewel-toned tracksuit.

I didn't think it would bother you.

How's your stupid new aunt?

How dare you talk
about my new Aunt Connie!

That's it.
You need to get a postponement.

Go up to the woman
behind the bulletproof glass...

This is exactly why we broke up.

You have to control every situation.

We didn't break up
because I'm controlling.

We broke up because you
can't handle a strong woman.

Jacob, my man, you get it.

Whose fault do you think it was?

I'm just here for a client.

Oh! You want to bring
other people into this?

Great, we've got a room
full of jurors here.

You want to take me to court?

Oh, absolutely.

Then consider me subpoenaed.

♪ Bum, bum ♪

[ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH]

They're gonna teach me how to teach?

I don't want to be taught how to teach.

I'm a teacher. That's why I teach.

Change of plans, people.

There's a new agenda for today.

- [BOX SLAMS]
- Oh!

Councilwoman Taylor talked the district

into mandatory
bear preparedness training.

I will be taking you
through a series of exercises

and familiarizing you
with various weapons...

[GRUNTS]

In order to protect yourselves

in the event of a bear att*ck.

Are you kidding me?

Cantaloupe, grocery store muffins,

hard-boiled eggs. [GASPS]

And I'm the only one I have to feed.

Is being sad and having low
expectations a hormonal thing?

[ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH]

Mr. Pearson,

would you say that you
can sometimes be insecure?

No, I don't think that's true.

Do you remember the events
of August th, ,

when I hired an electrician?

Vaguely.

Let me refresh your memory.

You made me fire the electrician

so you could prove what a man you were

and do the work yourself.

And what happened?

[QUIETLY] I zapped my testicles.

I'm sorry?

A little louder so the jury
can please hear you?

I zapped my testicles.

You zapped your testicles.

The outlet was waist-level.

Anyone my height would have
zapped their testicles.

No further questions.

Mm-mm.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

"When you encounter a bear,

shield yourself and slowly back away."

[GASPS]

I know it's tempting to eat me
because my ass

looks big, plump, round, and juicy,

but it's actually just gel pads.

That's not true.

I was just trying to trick the bear.

Pass, and no one thinks
your ass looks like that.

[GASPS]

"River rocks are an excellent way

to deter an attacking bear."

- Ow!
- And after seeing you throw,

it's no wonder you teach art.

Pass.

Okay, now, distract him.

Spray the bear musk.

Spray the musk!

Spray the musk!

Mr. Franklin, as someone who was

romantically involved with Ms. Watson,

how would you describe that experience?

Uh, fun at first.

She was smart,

put together, beautiful,

could wear the hell out of a headband,

but, uh, after a few months,
she became very controlling.

Oh?

Can you give us an example?

She used to make me listen
to a lot of Broadway musicals.

I mean, what man really wants to listen

to the soundtrack to "Carousel," right?

Right? I mean, real men prefer
something sexier, like "Pippin."

Also, she used to go, "Eh, eh, eh"

every time I didn't use a coaster.

Members of the jury, there you have it,

proof that Ms. Watson destroys
every relationship she enters.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

Okay, you guys huddle up
by the vending machine

and decide who did the m*rder.

[ROCK MUSIC FLOURISH]

"Congratulations on completing

"your bear att*ck preparedness training.

"Use these skills wisely

"to save the lives of your
students and colleagues.

Be the hero your local
government knows you can be."

This training was stupid.

It would have been so much
easier to build a fence.

Really? I legit enjoyed being here.

The food was great,
the time was relaxing,

and the company was enjoyable.

Five stars.

Come on, Chelsea, chase me.

Try to eat me up like a bear.

[GASPS] Mary Louise, no!

[GASPS]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[BEAR ROARS]

[BEAR ROARS]

Oh, sh*t.

Remember your training.

[BEAR GROWLS]

Okay, Mr. Bear, just so you know,

I do wear gel pads.

- [BEAR GROWLS]
- [ALL GASP]

- [BEAR ROARS]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

[BEAR GROWLING]

[CUP BANGS]

Will the woman with
the bald spot please stand?

Yeah, girl, you.

Have you all decided who's guilty?

No, we got close, but Henry pointed out

that she wears loafers,

which turns some people against her,

and Ned thinks that he wears makeup,

and, well, that threw everybody off,

so, no, we ended up with a hung jury.

No! You have to tell us
whose fault it is!

And we have to clear up
this makeup thing!

Your Honor, I'm sorry, I know
this is highly unorthodox,

but I... I need to say something.

I can see that you both
have a lot of anger,

but anger is almost always downstream

of some other strong emotion,

and, in this case,
I think that emotion is love.

[TENDER MUSIC]

Relationships are a two-way street,

and... and for whatever reasons,
it didn't work out for you two,

but you both tried your best, right?

And... and I don't think
either of you are to blame.

Thank you, Jacob.

That was really touching,
eloquent, and thoughtful.

But you can still eat sh*t.

Mary Louise, spray the
wall with the musk!

Oh, oh, great!

Now he's gonna [BLEEP] us
before he eats us!

[BEAR ROARING]

Ow!

Oh, God, I didn't sign up for this!

I just want to teach!

Oh, my God, ow!

Literally none of these
rocks are hitting the bear!

[BEAR GROWLING]

Caroline, I'm sorry for the way I acted.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy too.

You're a good man, and I'm sorry

if my issues with control
ever made you doubt that.

And I'm sorry if my insecurity

sometimes caused me to act like a fool.

I think I just...
didn't want to lose you.

- [MOANING]
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!

- [INTENSE MUSIC]
- Chelsea, take off your shoe!

No! These are Aldo!

Come on.

Oh my God!

[BEAR GROWLS]

This is crazy!

He's never gonna stop chasing us!

I'm gonna fight the bear!

[SCREAMS]

[BEAR ROARS]

[WHIMPERING]

[WHISPERS] I think he's gone.

[BEAR GROANS]

Excuse me, Miss.

You forgot your headband.

You never fail to bang it right off.

Care Bear, what are we doing?

We clearly still have
feelings for each other.

Why don't we get back together?

Uh...

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why?

I think we should just be friends.

Friends?

We just made love in the bathroom

of the county courthouse.

I know, and it wasn't smart.

Seeing both you and Jacob today
made me realize

that I have to stop depending on a man

to make my life complete.

I need some time to focus on myself.

So it was just sex?

You... you trollop.

Oh, give me a break.

You got your rocks off too, assh*le.

[SOFT MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, I want to make this work.

Oh, Apollonia.

♪ ♪

Today I join with you
in mourning the loss

of property and productivity

caused by yesterday's
senseless bear att*ck.

I feel your pain,

but I urge us all
not to politicize this moment.

Sadly, there is no way

to prevent something like this
from happening.

I wish there were.

But today my thoughts
and prayers are with all those

affected by this tragedy.

God bless.

[SCOFFS]

Hi, Gary!

I got your check!

[ROCK MUSIC]

[BEAR ROARS]

Miss Snap, that bear sucks.

He ruined all of my artwork.

Paddington would never have done this.

I know.

If there's no fence, the bear
can still get out, right?

That's right.

So what do we do now?

We wait.