03x12 - Operation Egg Drop

[bunniefuu]

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Are you a school teacher?

Do you like to take your top off?

Have you ever been called "shameful"?

Then you need to be in the cast

of the hot new reality show

"Shameful Teacher"
where you'll live in a condo,

get shamed, scream
at other women, ugly cry,

and find love?

If you're someone who's practically

a prost*tute but still teaches,

apply now for "Shameful Teacher."

Chelsea!

I know. It's an amazing opportunity.

And it films in Skokie.

This is a sign. It's my moment.

To what, contract Hep C by
using another woman's razor?

- Can that happen?
- I support you, Chelsea.

I'm reading this book,

"There's a New You
Screaming To Come Out,"

and it says goals are an excellent way

to maintain focus
on what really want in life.

Have you set goals for yourself?

Yes, I have three. My personal goal

is to get a loan so I can buy a condo.

My health goal is to workout
three times a week.

You know, endorphins to battle
the darkness inside.

And my career goal is to win
the science fair.

But a teacher can't win
the science fair.

I claim all my students'
success as my own.

Don't judge me. I need a win.

In three short weeks,
I will finally be living

- a worthwhile life.
- In three short weeks,

I will be banging a hottie
in the Shameful suite

on semi-national TV!
[SQUEALS] Goal twins!

Yes!

♪ ♪

Okay, everyone, Ms. Snap is running late

to Selena Gomez's live Insta Story.

[SIGHS] Jeremy! Get out of my way!

- What is the...
- [BOTH GASP]

- Jeez, you just ran me.
- Sorry, I didn't see you.

[SIGHS]

[CHARMING MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, I'm Chelsea.

♪ ♪

What?

Sorry, I was running and I
tripped over my big dumb feet.

I mean, small feet.
I don't have big feet.

[LAUGHS] Well, they're like kinda big.

I don't know, I wear a ladies size .

What do you think?
Wow, I have no idea why

I'm telling you all of this. [CHUCKLES]

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm great.
- [BOOKS SHUFFLING]

♪ ♪

- I think these are mine.
- Uh, yeah.

It's an adult glove, you moron.

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

Right.

Well, see ya.

Wait. You know, I was thinking.

Would you ever want to
hang out sometime?

I mean, for me to babysit.

- Sure.
- Great.

It's a date. [GIGGLES]

Psycho.

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to
the newest member of our class.

Meet Alyssa.

- Hello, I'm Alyssa.
- Isn't that wild?

I thought it'd be a fun way
to introduce technology

into the classroom,
and she can do everything.

She knows my voice,
every Jars of Clay song,

and prepare to really have
your socks knocked off.

Alyssa, tell us a joke.

Why was the donkey's check
refused at the grocery store?

I don't know. Why?

Because "he-haw-ways" writes bad checks.

[LAUGHING]

Do the math, people! [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Hello... oh, Nolan.

I'm Caroline Watson,

and I'm here to get a loan
because I'm going to

buy a [SINGSONGY] condo!

I've been on Zillow nonstop
in anticipation.

Well, let's pull up your account.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING, STOPS]

Hm.

According to this,
you only have $ saved,

and I don't know how to put this,

but your credit score is pathetic.

Hm, I guess I did know how to put it.

Okay, I know I may not
have money right now,

but look at me. I've got rich face.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

- We can't give you a loan.
- All right, listen.

My sorority sisters all have houses

and are married with kids,
and I can't get

anymore Christmas cards
that these assholes

in horizontal stripes
always send, you got me?

Now fork over the loan, Nolan!

I'm gonna need security, please.

♪ ♪

Chelsea, are you image searching babies?

You can't wear baby clothes
as a bikini again this summer.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've been having feelings.
Like, kid feelings.

Then I feel compelled
to say that, legally,

you should not be
in an elementary school.

Not like that, dumbass.

Every time I see Hagatha
my uterus skips a b*at.

I don't even care that her thighs touch.

And I've started to think
the kids in my class

are actually cute.

- Who am I?
- A woman in her s.

This is what happens when your
friends start popping them out.

Have you ever thought about having kids?

Not really. Maybe. I don't know.

Well if you do want kids,
you should decide

- sooner rather than later.
- She's right.

At , fertility declines,

and the womb becomes
an inhospitable environment.

So I have five years to decide?

I have been a teacher for ten years

and I'm still not sure it's for me.

- It's not.
- [GASPS]

♪ ♪

Sorry to interrupt but Mavis
asked me to drop this off.

Oh, for me?

I wonder who it's from.

Maybe it's from Hot Dad.

I mean, regular dad.

"Hot" is what you guys call him, not me.

Y-you know who I'm talking about.

Just open the box.

Huh.

Yesterday I said I wished
I had a three-hold punch,

but I didn't order one.

Um, it's probably your Alyssa.

They listen to you.

Alyssa, did you order
a three-hole punch?

Yes, and I saw that
you were looking at the book,

"Your Virginity: What to Expect

When You Finally Lose It."

Would you like me to order that as well?

♪ ♪

I am sorry to say,
but Gertie's personal hygiene

did factor into her grades.

She takes a bath every night.

I don't know what to tell ya.
She smells.

Before you go, would you mind answering

a few questions for me?
I'm compiling research.

You know, to be a better teacher,

and I was wondering,
do you think your kid

- was worth it?
- What?

Do you ever look at Candace
and think to yourself,

"Why am I taking this brat to ballet

when I could be drunk at brunch?"

Have you ever thought that
woman in China had it right

and you two were suckers for adopting?

When you realized Sam's head
was too big for his body

did you want a do-over?

Do you ever wish Jerry hadn't been born?

[MUSIC STOP ABRUPTLY]

I guess that's a "no." Wow.

That says a lot about motherhood

because Jerry is a nightmare.

Everybody, shut up!

After exhaustive research,

I have discovered that
most parents find their lives

more fulfilling after having children.

Are you gonna have a baby?
You're not even married.

That's okay. I'll help you.
Two women and a baby.

I'll be Steve Guttenberg.

No, Mary Louise,
I am not ready for kids now,

but I might want them someday,

so I have decided to freeze my eggs.

- That's so brave.
- Isn't that kind of drastic?

Drastic or empowering?

Freezing my eggs gives me
options in the future.

If Maria Menounos, Olivia Munn,
and Sofia Vergara can do it,

- so can I.
- Wow.

No mention of a Kardashian.

You really are growing, Chelsea.

Thank you.

And none of the Kardashians
have frozen their eggs.

Read the internet, Deb.

This is a great option

for someone your age, and
all your bloodwork looks good.

[GASPS] Did you heard that?
My blood is looking "fo-ine."

I'd like to walk you through the steps

so you know what to expect.

The whole process can take
about three weeks.

Okay, okay.

- It includes sh*ts.
- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

No, injections.

You'll have to administer them
to yourself every day.

You'll also need to come in
for vaginal ultrasounds.

- Huh?
- Possible side effects

from the medication include
headaches, cramping, nausea,

bloating, and there's always
a chance of it not working.

- Say what?
- Well, unfortunately,

we can't guarantee
how your body will react.

So I can't just take a pill
and push out an egg?

You're not a hen. So no.

It's a commitment.

Much like having a child would be.

Thank you, Dr. Meier.
I am hundo-p ready to do this.

Speaking of, how many hundos
will this cost?

- hundos.
- $ , ?

And it's not covered by insurance.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[BRAZILIAN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

You didn't get the condo,
but this workout is yours.

Be the goal, do the goal,
become the goal.

- I'm on top of the world!
- Casa bonita

- [YELPS]
- Oh! Sorry!

I heard Brazilian dance music,
and I got excited.

[GROANS]

♪ ♪

To make a geode, you mix
hot water with Epsom salt.

How much Epsom salt do I mix in?

Uh, let me check.

Mix / cup of hot water

with / cup of Epsom salt

- then stir.
- Oh, thank you, Alyssa.

Add some food coloring

- if you desire.
- I know, Alyssa.

Place the egg shells in your container.

I was gonna say that, Alyssa,
so thank you. I got it.

- After that pour your
- Alyssa!

- solution into the eggshell.
- I said I got it!

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

The procedure is insanely expensive,

and it might not even work.

Now my only options are
to settle down with some loser,

adopt, or deprive the world of my spawn.

Why is this something only
rich women get to do quietly?

Chelsea, this is the most
responsible thing

I've ever seen you try to do.

I refuse to let it end
because you can't afford it.

Okay, people, we are going to contact

every sorority sister, former stepdad,

and tanning salon esthetician
to get donations.

If Chelsea ever gave somebody
a baby gift,

bought them a sh*t,
or held their hair back

when they puked,
she's calling in the favor.

I see here that Chelsea paid

for an unflattering bridesmaids dress

and threw you bachelorette parties

in Nashville and Vegas,
so we're gonna be looking

at about a $ donation today.

You were married to
Chelsea's mom for nine months

in during which time
she had to live on a house boat

- Have you ever heard of Venmo?
- Karen, you got married

in Ireland and had baby showers
on two different continents.

That was bullshit.
Now give us your damn money!

♪ ♪

Okay, everybody, I've had a few setbacks

achieving some of my other goals,

so my dignity and will to live

now hangs solely on one of you
winning the science fair.

So, what do you got?

I brought in my hamster, Demetri.

For the last time, people,

just owning a pet is not an experiment.

But Demetri has really big balls.

Logan, we do not say "balls."

[GASPS]

[CAPTIVATING MUSIC]

Oh, my God,

[WHISPERS] Those are the
biggest balls I've ever seen.

♪ ♪

Okay, I can work with this.

[ROCK MUSIC]

I can't believe we raised enough money.

I'm actually freezing my eggs.

I know. I'm so excited.

I already created a list
of possible names.

Again, you don't name eggs.
You name babies.

This is the problem with you Christians.

[SIGHS] Thank you for helping me, girl.

This process is hella complicated.

I need someone next to me so
I don't mess up the medication.

Plus, you have to give me the sh*t.

Let's get started. Pull down your pants,

[SINGSONGY] and your unders too.

Mary Louise. The sh*t goes
in my stomach, not my butt.

- Oh.
- Moving on.

For the first week, we will mix
milliliter of sodium chloride

with two vials of Menotropins,
then inject milliliters

of follitropin alfa at exactly
: p.m. each night,

then after four days start milliliters

of ganirelix acetate
and take the Menotropins

that you mixed with the sodium
chloride up milliliters.

- Uh-huh.
- Got it.

So I mix milliliters of soda-cola

- and vial of menopause...
- Forget it.

Neither of those were right.

I'll start with the follitropin alfa.

Wipe the injection site
with an alcohol pad.

Tap out the air bubbles,
and then inject.

And... [SCREAMS] What are you doing?

I thought it would hurt less
if I surprised you.

You didn't tap out the air bubbles.

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, my God. I feel an
air bubble moving up my body.

- It is moving towards my brain.
- It is?

Yes, it is moving up my chest!

This is all my fault! I've k*lled you.

I'm gonna inject my stomach
with air bubbles too.

I don't want to live
in a world without you.

[BELCHES]

Oh, never mind.

I feel fine. Whew.

[SINGSONGY] Which one
do we wanna do next?

Okay, I bounced this idea off
of several teachers,

and I've got our science project.

Do adolescent hamster testicles

predict adult hamster size?

How are we going to do that?

Each day we will measure Demetri.

If the torso and tail continue to grow

while the testicles
remain the same size,

then that would suggest that the hamster

grows into his testicles,
like puppy paws.

Now start measuring.

- Ms. Watson.
- Hm?

May I have a word with you?

I heard about your science project

and how you're turning
large testies into a sideshow.

He's a hamster, Toby.
I don't think he cares.

As someone who can relate
to Demetri's predicament,

I don't think his large
testicles should be mocked.

I'm not mocking anything.

I'm conducting what will be
an award-winning experiment.

Extremes in nature can be fascinating.

You know, when they're not
slapping against your thighs.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING] Okay.

[MUTTERING] Come on. Come... [GRUNTS]

Are you pregnant?

No, Gus. It's a side effect.

- So, you're just fat now?
- [GASPS]

[PHONE BUZZES, PLAYS DANCE SONG]

♪ Snap out of my life, boy,
snap out of my... ♪

Hello?

Yes, I applied to be
on "Shameful Teacher."

[SHRIEKS] I got it? Are you kidding me?

Ah! School is cancelled for life.

Ms. Snap just got on TV, my babies!

I'm gonna be so famous

and I'm never gonna remember any of you.

Ah! What show you gonna be on?

"My -lb Life"?

Oh, no.

♪ ♪

Ooh, I have a question.

Alyssa, what's
the world's largest geode?

The world's largest geode
is Crystal Cave.

- Ow!
- Carla, are you okay?

I cut myself with the scissors.

Don't worry. It's okay.

Keep the wound clean
as severe infections

- can become life-threatening.
- What?

Am I gonna have an infection?

No. It's a minor cut, Alyssa.

Untreated, bacteria can get
into your bloodstream

and vital organs can shut down.

[WHIMPERS]

Stop it, Alyssa. You're scaring her.

Should an infection lead to gangrene

- amputation is...
- Alyssa!

[CLATTERING]

Sorry, Carla.

We definitely don't have to amputate.

We'll just get you all cleaned
up and put a fun bandage on it.

- How does that sound?
- Pretty good. [SNIFFLES]

I guess Alyssa can't do everything.

No, she can't.

[SWEEPING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

There's free Malibu in every room.

[GASPS, LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

Oh.

This is everything I've ever wanted.

Mmm.

Hi. Chelsea Snap, reporting for "booty."

I just want to say
I am so honored to be here.

This has been my dream ever since

I watched "The Joe Schmo Show."

Are you pregnant? This is perfect.

It'll get the viewers all riled up.

Uh, no, I'm not pregnant.

You don't have to convince me.

I don't care if you drink.

Oh, I can't mix with my meds right now.

Yeah, me neither,
but we're gonna need you

to drink in the evening,
you know, inhibitions.

Also, bikini only after : a.m.

What about a sheer poolside cover up?

No. Here. Just fill this out.

Just says you're gonna be available

/ for the next three weeks.

Sure. Oh, I do have one thing.

I have this procedure scheduled.

I just need to sneak out for
a couple of hours on Tuesday.

Sweetheart, there's no exceptions, okay?

You have to be available to film

the whole time or you're out.

You gonna sign or what?

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

Cheers [LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mmm, yum.

You know what, I think I'm good.

This looks like
an incredible opportunity

and I have always wanted to be
in a nipple clamp challenge,

but my priorities are different now.

I'm in the middle of freezing
my eggs and I don't want to let

alcohol or trashy women,
whom I'm sure would become

lifelong friends, ruin that for me.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm going to choose
maybe motherhood over fame.

- Thank you for your time.
- Okay.

We're gonna need another
deluded, old psycho, stat.

♪ ♪

Let me guess.

- You're in Ms. Bennigan's class.
- Yeah.

Interesting area to explore,

but we have to deduct points
for aggression.

It's okay, Logan. We got this.

You and I are going
to accomplish our goals.

This wasn't my goal.

Here they come. Be professional.

Hello. Thank you
for coming to our booth.

This is Logan and his hamster, Demetri.

- He has very large testicles.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm talking about the hamster,

- not the child.
- Those are not testicles.

They're tumors.

- How do you know?
- Because I'm a veterinarian

- and that is a female hamster.
- No.

Sorry, Caroline. Unless it's a cure,

cancer disqualifies you.

No! I need this.

Are you sure they're not balls?
How could they not be balls?

[GROANS]

I can't believe I gave up my career

for my maybe future baby.

He/she better be grateful.

I know this must be hard,
but you did the right thing.

Are you sure you should be eating

the science fair project?

I think we found our winner!

Follicle Stimulating Hormone

and Its Relationship to
Excessive Weight Gain.

- Congratulations, Gus.
- I did it!

I won the science fair!

- [LAUGHS]
- No, you didn't. Gus did.

Yeah, and I helped you raise
the money to freeze your eggs,

which made you bloated
which inspired Gus

to the project, so I win!

[LAUGHS] I achieved one of my goals!

[LAUGHS]

I win, I win, I win, I win!

- We're here for you, Chelsea.
- Yeah, we love you more

than anyone in the whole wide world.

Well, not all of us,
but good luck, girl.

Dr. Meier, if you want to suck out

some of the fat while
you're down there, go for it.

That's illegal, so no.

Oh, dear Lord, please give me
my pre-freezing-eggs body back.

We'll be right here waiting
for you when you get out.

ALL: Bye.
- Ms. Snap, wait!

- Gus? What are you doing here?
- Follow-up research.

I need a picture of your
stomach at its fattest point

if I have any chance of going to state.

Get me out of here!
God, I hate children!

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Give what you need ah ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪

[SNORING]