03x14 - Sidelined

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to
the Fillmore Fantasy Class Draft!

[ALL CHEER]

All students grade K through
are eligible to be drafted.

As you pick your players, keep in mind
that scores are calculated based on:

academics, behavior and attendance.

And if a kid gets sick, they
go on the injured reserve.

And this year the winner will receive

a $ target gift card
for school supplies

- [ALL GASP]
- May the best teacher win.

Fantasy Class Draft starts in ...
... [BLOWS WHISTLE]

- I'll take Maddie P.
- No!

She doesn't have any friends

so chook ain't got nothing
to do but study. Yes!

[GROANS]

"Pokemon Go" is screwing me.

Damn it, my class' attendance sucks.

Pink eye is k*lling me.

Don't poop and touch your eyes, animals.

Y'all thought Freddy S. was a moron,

but he just had ADHD. Oh!

Now he's on meds and bae slays all day.

Before I read the
results, let me just say,

this game is stupid.

With that being said,

Deb and Caroline are eliminated.

- No.
- Damn it.

Which means Toby and Chelsea
are in the playoffs.

- [SQUEALS]
- [LAUGHS] Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

May the best fantasy class win.

[ROCK MUSIC]

All right, and now Melanie and Tim,

let's see what you each wrote
about how you resolve conflict.

Seriously, Tim?

Everybody knows, never go to bed angry.

Well, now, Melanie, just to reminder,

you need to write something
on your board too.

You can't just wait for Tim
and criticize what he wrote.

Amateurs.

What, did they just
meet in the parking lot?

Now it's your turn, big boy.

You and... and, uh...

what's her face? Uh, your question is,

how many children do you wanna have?

BOTH: Five.

Who's gonna handle the finances?

[MARKERS SQUEAK]

- She will.
- I will.

I'm not good at math.

If there was, um, football game,

shirts and skins,

which one of you's gonna
take of your shirt?

I guess I will.

Yeah, well, heh... hey, let's
pretend that football game

is happening right now,

and you can take that shirt off.

[SIGHS] Shirt and skins. You're skins.

Ah. [CHUCKLES]

[CALM ROCK MUSIC]

I'm sure Ms. Cannon will be
along any moment now.

Does this look even to you?

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, boy.

[SIGHS] Jesus, Cecelia.

I know. Sorry, guys.

I was protesting
the use of plastic straws.

- They k*ll animals.
- We know.

That turtle video
you showed us made Lauren cry.

So, what do we do today?

Today we are using
old toilet paper rolls

to make rain sticks.

Ew, what's on them?

Oh, sh**t. My tahini must've spilled.

She's nice, but girlfriend's a disaster.

[ROCK MUSIC]

No, Annie, there's no C in "bake."

It's a K.

What are you doing with my student?

I'm just helping Annie prepare

for your vocabulary test tomorrow

because I'm a good teacher

and I want every student to do well.

You lying sack of sh*t.

Sorry, Annie.

I meant "lying sack of shirts,"
like a laundry pile.

Go ahead, Toby, tutor all you want.

I have won Fantasy Class
five years in a row

and you are not gonna break
my streak, you assh*le rookie.

Sorry, Annie, I meant "asphalt rookie."

Like someone you walk all over.

- You're going down.
- In your dreams.

I'm gonna eff you up.

What? I got it right that time.
I didn't say [BLEEP]

[BLEEP]!

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

What happened to the gender
neutral bathrooms?

When you bike to work,
you miss the morning gossip.

The LSE voted to change them back.

[GASPS]

Oh, hell, no.

Members of the LSE,
we must make all students

of Fillmore feel accepted.

Bring back gender neutral bathrooms.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

For the engagement party, I was thinking

the play settings
should be rustic burlap.

I was thinking the same thing.

And speaking of the engagement party,

I have a little surprise for you.

Is it a ranch fountain
for the chicken nuggets?

Oh, I'm gonna dunk so many nuggets.

No.

I invited your parents
to stay with me for the week.

Yeah, I figured since
I haven't met them yet,

the engagement party would be
the perfect time

- to get us all together.
- Oh, my gosh.

That's so sweet. When are they arriving?

Any minute.

Oh [GROANS].

Mary Louise, what're you doing?

They can't know I spend the night here.

- But we're not having sex.
- Who cares?

They don't even know we hold hands.

Oh, and don't tell them
we watch "Cheers."

- They hate it.
- Why?

Shelley Long's a single woman
working at a bar.

She's like the ' s Mary Magdalene.

- [BELL RINGS]
- [GASPS, SQUEALS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- Mom, Dad.

- Sweetheart.
- Hi.

- There's my little angel.
- Oh. Hi.

- Hi.
- Aw.

So nice to finally meet you. I'm...

Oh, my, look at this hip outfit.

- [GASPING LAUGH]
- Ooh, a fire. Fancy.

[LAUGHS]

Yep.

Thank you so much for coming over

to help me with breakfast, sweetheart.

That's for your father. [CHUCKLES]

- Thank you.
- Morning.

Morning. [GASPS]

- Sweet corn.
- Uh, uh, ah.

- Hey, what...
- Oh, boy.

Joanna, honey, open your eyes.
He's gone.

What are you thinking?

Coming to breakfast
with my parents in the nude?

- I'm not nude.
- You practically are.

My mom saw your nipples.

For her that's a romantic encounter.

Go put on a long sleeve
button-down shirt.

Okay.

Wait, what're you wearing?

Clothes. Now, go.

But he didn't even
have hair on his chest.

- [SIGHS]
- It's unnatural.

♪ ♪

Well, well, well, if it isn't Tim Brady.

It's Tom Brodie.

And what a great comparison.

We actually wear
the same style UGG boots.

Mm.

- I have a trade proposal for you.
- I'm listening.

I'm interested in two of your students.

Bianca B. And Harry L.

No can do. They suck butt individually,

but their cooperation is stellar,

and there's a group project coming up.

Too bad, 'cause I was gonna
offer you Bobby G.

Bobby G.?

Isn't he your academic standout?

He is, but my fantasy class
is skewing a little too

"Big Bang Theory," so I'm in the market

for behavior and attendance.

- What do you think?
- You have yourself a deal,

- little lady.
- Ooh [LAUGHS].

Shazam. Bobby G.'s dad
left them this week,

the kid's life is in shambles.
Ah, enjoy, jackass.

- Uh!
- Up the butt, Chelsea.

[GRUNTS EXCITEDLY]

You got me right up the butt.

- You okay, Ms. Cannon?
- I'm sorry, guys.

I'm just a little bummed.

I tried protesting
for gender neutral bathrooms

but no one took me seriously.

- Can we be honest with you?
- Sure.

No one takes you seriously
because you're a mess.

I mean, look at what you're wearing.

Are you a teacher or someone
selling non-food items

at a farmer's market?

And after five minutes

of hearing you talk
about your macrobiotic diet,

people wanna hang themselves.

Wow. Okay.

We're not trying to be mean,
but people make decisions

about you based on how you look and act.

Yeah, if anybody knows how
judgmental the world can be,

it's kids in Special Ed.

We're just trying to look out for you

- like you look out for us.
- Thanks, guys.

[WIDELIFE'S "ALL THINGS" PLAYING]

Combing your hair once a day
says to the world,

"I'm not off my psych meds."

For style, I'd like to see you simplify.

Wearing jewelry from different
ethnic groups can look like

a potpourri of cultural appropriation.

- Try this.
- Mm, how chic.

Ants on a log is a simple,
healthy vegan snack.

And it won't leave you
smelling like the dumpster

behind Panda Express.

♪ Yeah, it's true ♪

♪ All things just keep getting better ♪

♪ All things just keep getting better ♪

Mr. Pearson, may I go
to the nurse's office

to get my ADHD medication?

Let me just check something, Freddy.

Mm, Ms. Snap's team.

Instead of your medication today,

how would you like a little treat?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, that's it.

Eat up, every last bite.

BOTH: [SCREAMING]

Freddy, no.

I think we're gonna have to send him

to the principal's office.

I can't afford another
demerit on my team.

Drop the stick, Freddy.
Drop the stick... ow.

Freddy. Drop the stick, Freddy!

[GIGGLES]

- Mary Louise, hand check.
- Ah.

And you better get going
if you wanna get home by : .

Why do you wanna be home by : ?

For bedtime, you silly goose.

You know that I go to bed at : p.m.,

and I don't know what time you go to bed

because I'm never here. Night night.

Mm.

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Psst.

Psst.

Hey, what're you doing here?

I missed getting a chance
to say goodnight to you.

Well, isn't this a nice surprise?

♪ Ba dum ♪

♪ Ba dum ♪

- ♪ Ba dum ♪
- What's this?

Oh, it's just a little show for you.

♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪

[IN A DEEP VOICE] ♪ Ba dum ♪

[IN NORMAL VOICE] ♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪

♪ Ba dum Ba dum ♪

♪ Ba dum ♪

Mary Louise Rebecca Cleinice Bennigan.

- Ah!
- Ah, John-Paul.

Go home. Now.

Okay. Sorry, Daddy.

[WHIMPERS] Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

- We... we were just...
- Are you erect?

What?

Are you erect?

- Uh... uh, no.
- Good.

Goodnight.

[ROCK MUSIC]

We need to talk about your parents.

I think I was able to
convince my dad it was a dream.

No, Mary Louise, you need to be honest.

You can't keep lying to them.

I'm not lying to them.

They have a very ideal vision
of who I am

and you're ruining it.

I'm ruining it? How?

By being a part of your life?

How do you think that makes me feel?

The only people that you seem
to care about lately

- are your parents.
- That is absolutely not true.

Okay, hottie.

Hotshot. Hotshots.

First question.

Whose opinion matters most to you?

[SIGHS]

- Mary Louise.
- My parents.

- Mary Louise.
- Okay, fine, fine.

I'll talk to them.

- Losers.
- Melanie!

Shh.

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

And as someone who's always
been on the outside,

I believe we should
celebrate our differences.

Amazing what a comb and
a little deodorant can do.

It's our job as educators
to protect our students,

not alienate them.

The more accepting we are of others,

including our transgender students,

the more we grow in turn.

No!

What?

Oh, sorry.

Not "no, I don't support
people's gender identities."

No that Davey P. just got pink eye.

It's like these little freaks
are farting directly

into each other's eyes.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Mm.

Thank you, Cecelia, for that
very impressive presentation.

But we can't vote on
the same issue twice in a year.

- [GASPS]
- Official policy.

Then why'd you let me get
through my whole speech?

Because it was so good.

And I can promise you this.

Gender neutral bathrooms
will be the first thing

on the agenda next year.

I wish more people would show up

with such well-thought-out
presentations.

And the next time that
you have a concern or idea,

I think that I speak for the council

when I say we are all ears.

Also, I couldn't take
my eyes off your blazer.

Is that Ann Taylor LOFT?

- Ann Taylor.
- Damn.

[ROCK MUSIC]

BOTH: [GRUNTING]

We need to see the attendance
sheets for the other classes.

Are you still playing that dumbass game?

Hi. I need to pull my son
Howie out of class.

His Pop-Pop just moved to hospice.

I wanna make sure he says goodbye.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Yes, of course, let me...

No, he can't...

go, because he has a spelling
test I really need him to take.

But didn't you just hear

how he has to say
goodbye to his Pop-Pop?

Yes, so why don't you...

I'm sure the old man
can hold on for one more day.

- He has cancer.
- Which one?

- Some of them aren't that bad.
- All right, enough.

Mrs. Gower, I'm terribly sorry.

You can go ahead and wait
for Howie in the hallway.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

These are children's lives
you're messing with.

Shut it down now,

or I'll report you both
to Principal Duffy.

Here. Merry early Christmas.

A $ Target gift card?

[GASPS]

You know, Mavis, sometimes...

Sometimes I do lose my faith
in humanity...

Don't make this a thing.

- Okay.
- Your mustache is uneven.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Mom, Dad.

Sweetheart, where's your khaki skirt?

I don't really wear those anymore.

But you look so pretty
with your ankles covered.

Yeah, but I'm an adult now,

and I choose to dress like this.

And there are some other things
you should know.

We watch "Cheers."

We hold hands.

And dancing with my pants down
isn't a regular thing,

but I did enjoy it.

I knew it wasn't a dream.

I really appreciate all
the values you instilled in me

as a child, but I need
to make my own decisions now.

I just wanna be honest with you both.

Well, this is a lot to take in.

It really is. "Cheers"?

You know how we feel about
that druggie Woody Harrelson.

But we want you to be happy, sweetheart.

Thanks, Dad.

- [STIRRING MUSIC]
- [CLINKS GLASS]

Attention. Attention, everyone.

I'd like to make a toast.

I just wanna thank you all
for coming out tonight.

And I also wanna thank my partner,

my main squeeze,

the Lewis to my Clark,

the peanut butter to my jelly,

the chips to my dip,
the cream to my corn.

I have a lot of those. They're all food.

My life is so much richer
with you in it.

The hamburger to my helper. [SNORTLES]

I'm sorry, I had to.
That one was really good.

Cheers.

- ALL: Cheers.
- Again with that show?

Mm.

[SNIFFS] Mm.

Listen.

I might have taken things
a little too far.

Me too.

I shouldn't have told Maria S.
it was Spring Break.

She has completely missed her
times tables.

I'm just so sick of
paying for school supplies

- with my own money.
- Same.

Also, this is dumb, but I think
the reason I get so crazy

about Fantasy Class is
because it's the only time

I get recognized as the best teacher.

Hopefully, some day, if I work hard,

I'll get recognized
as a great real teacher.

[LAUGHS]

- What's so funny?
- Oh.

- You're serious?
- Of course I'm serious.

You thought I was joking about
wanting to be a great teacher?

Yes. You put no effort into teaching.

And historically, you have been bad.

That is so offensive. I take my kids

on more field trips
than anyone in this school.

Great speech.

You must be the 'rents. I'm Deb.

- Ah, nice to meet you.
- Thanks for coming.

My pleasure. Where's Blake?

You made your class use Bunsen burners

to heat up your bikini wax.

They were learning science.

- Who's Blake?
- My son.

- He's at my ex's.
- That is not science!

- You have a son?
- You were married?

- I can explain.
- You never told them?

- Ah!
- [GRUNTS]

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [THUMPS]

- ALL: [GASP]
- Oh.

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

I'm sorry.

Please tell us that
the marriage was annulled.

I'm not apologizing to you guys.

I'm apologizing to you.

I'm so sorry about this week,

and for not being completely honest.

You and Blake are my whole world

and I'm so proud of the family
that we're building together.

I'm sorry I ever hid that,
and I can't wait to marry you.

[STIRRING MUSIC]

And because I want everything
on the table,

- we've tongue-kissed.
- Mary Louise.

No. No secrets.

- And he's had a finger in me.
- Mary Louise.

And he's eating me out.

Big time.